AM I OLD YET?
Coz I am starting to think
I’ve heard everything there is to hear
That I might already know
Everything that there is to know.
I don’t mean that literally, of course.
I’m not that stupid.
I know enough to know that
There is always more to know
I just mean there is nothing on the radio
Or on the tv
That I haven’t heard before.
Am I old yet? Because
I don’t fear death. I fear pain.
And yet I experience pain all the time.
I fear that the pain will get worse
Till I cannot bear it.
And yet, each time it increases, I bear it.
And if I make it to 96
And you want to acknowledge
Any achievements I may have managed
Do not include being 96
Among my achievements.
Am I old yet?
Because sometimes
I feel a little bit lost.
But then I wonder
Is that even a thing?
What does it mean to be a ‘little bit lost’?
Is it like being a little bit pregnant?
Or a little bit defrosted?
Am I old yet? I hear myself
Saying things my mother only started saying
When she was definitely old in my eyes.
Like “No! I don’t want a new phone
With more computing power than a spaceship."
I don't want or need a cooker that talks to me
Or a washing machine that talks to the fridge.
I don’t want to watch films or read books
About horrible people doing
Horrible things to each other
No matter how well made
Or well written they are.
Why would you?
Am I old yet?
Because I still have questions.
Such as: where does infinity start?
Where does it go?
How can you see the shadow of something
That cannot, itself, be seen?
Is there another life form on this planet
Quite as self-destructive as humanity?
Am I old yet?
My friends rush to reassure me that I’m not.
They are kind. I suspect they are afraid
That if I am old, they either are
Or soon will be, old too.
But I no longer dread discovering that I am old.
There is no law that says my ‘old’
Will be the same
As my mother’s. Or yours.
Any more than there was a law that said
My ‘young’ was the right
Or the wrong kind of ‘young’.
Drifting between the event horizon
And the singularity
My body is a space ship, and
There is an end to the universe. It is
Out there, somewhere outside of
Me. And also inside of me.
And that, I think
Is probably, possibly
How old I am.
(c) Flloyd Kennedy, 2020