Hello Colleagues, whenever or wherever you are. Welcome to the Joyful Attorney Podcast. I’m your host, Professional Certified Coach and practicing attorney, Laura Kelley. 

Here’s the thing. Starting off with a front page shocker to set things off…it’s the podcast equivalent of click-bait - pod bait perhaps. 

I am not a perfect person. I know, take a moment to absorb that information. It can come as a shock. But here’s why, and it all starts with a certain new puzzle craze. 

Lately, there have been a number of articles about what your Wordle starting word says about you. Well…my starting word without fail is “spite.” Once I saw a delightfully whimsical cross-stitch pattern that said “I can do all things through spite, which strengthens me.” 

I often catch myself playing out revenge fantasies or bathing in the warm glow of schadenfreude. Alas, I am but an unenlightened human being trying to do my best. 

Is it so wrong to take pleasure in the misfortune of others, especially when they have done us or others wrong? That’s the definition of schadenfreude, a German word that has no English equivalent. ‘Malicious Joy’ is the best we have come up with. 

On a slight tangent, German is an amazing language. When a new invention comes along, rather than making up a whole new word, it tends to jam lots of other words together. Take ‘hovercraft’ for example. In German it’s Luft-kissen-fahr-zeug. In English, that translates loosely to ‘air-pillow-drive-thing’. Amazing. 

But back to ‘malicious joy’. For those that tuned in, think back to that moment in Tinder Swindler when we find out that Ayleen pulled a reverse Uno and started selling all of Simon’s designer clothes for herself. Delightful. 

Or the moment in Inventing Anna when she is arrested after obnoxiously leaving rehab. If you don’t get the pop culture references, no problem. 

How about when the Q-Anon Shaman couldn’t get vegan meals in prison or when…actually there are a lot of examples. 

I was reading a Guardian article written by Zoe Williams on schadenfreude, which I’ll link in the show notes, and it highlighted three elements at play when we delight in others misfortune. 

The first element is social comparison. In other words, our egoic mind is rewarded when we perceive ourselves as better than others. It’s a sense of superiority. The article describes “this is the schadenfreude that is rooted in envy or resentment, the kind you would be likely to feel towards a friend who was also a rival. It is more intense than the kind you might feel towards someone you don’t know.” This seems to be where the spite comes in. 

Second, Zoe describes “schadenfreude as being motivated by the establishment of intergroup dynamics.” As human beings, we are evolutionarily driven to be tribal, to belong. It makes sense that we would want to ostracize those that step out of bounds. It’s a way of protecting our in-group.  

Finally, the third element of schadenfreude is the idea of divine retribution, cosmic justice, payback, or what is sometimes called (incorrectly) karma. It feels good because the comeuppance feels right. We want to believe that there is a force for justice at work in the world. We want to know that wrongs will be punished and rights will be rewarded. But I’d like to point out that this element points right back to the ego. Who are we to ultimately decide what punishments or reward should be meted out by the universe? It’s not the universe’s justice. It’s our justice. We are right. The other is wrong. 

I would argue that there is nothing at all wrong with experiencing schadenfreude per se. I think the elements described above show that it is a natural human emotion. It has an evolutionary purpose. 

But what I would ask is whether delighting in others misfortune serves you. Yeah, sure in the moment it feels good, but carrying that negative energy with us must have a consequence. I do believe that what you put out into the world comes back to you…threefold. Call in reverse schadenfreude…you schadenfreude is then turned back against you by the Powers That Be on Mount Olympus. 

That’s kind of the deliciousness of schadenfreude, no? So when we take joy in others pain, even if we think they deserved it, aren’t we setting ourselves up to be doled out some pain as well?

When I catch myself in revenge fantasies like leaving a verbose review for the accountant that did me wrong or the private parking garage that charged me $53 for an overstay violation, or when the smug smile sets in as I see the terrible driver being pulled over by the police… I try to catch myself. 

I sense where the feeling is coming from. I take account of what unmet need in me is being triggered by my desire for revenge or spite. Usually that unmet need is, unfortunately, an egoic need for respect or a sense of superiority. I also question how it serves me to continue to engage in the negative emotion. And then I practice letting go - It worked for Queen Elsa in Frozen, so it has worked for me. I allow the ego to be diminished and just recognize that no amount of justice will change the past. Also…y’all as Beyonce says “the best revenge is your paper.” 

There is an antidote  to schadenfreude as well. It’s called sympathetic joy. Simply put, sympathetic joy means being happy for other people. It’s rejoicing in others' good fortune. It feels absolutely amazing to set aside envy, jealousy, superiority, etc. and just celebrate the good fortune of others. That’s why you’ll find me liking and loving all your posts. Think about it. If you get what you put out…threefold, imagine the possibilities when you are spreading all the joy and celebration you can. It has completely changed my outlook…

Even if I still, more than I’d really like to admit, find myself enjoying some schadenfreude. 

Identifying and understanding all the complexities of how we think is just one aspect of mindset coaching with myself,the Joyful Attorney. Please contact me by going to the JoyfulAttorney.com for a free mini-consultation to talk about how we can work together to restore balance and harmony to your practice of the law and your personal life. 

If I were to put that into German it would be translated back as cooperation-support-learning-coaching-enlightenment-mindset-sessions! 

Until next time.

Spread joy.