Hello colleagues whenever or wherever you are.
Welcome to episode 3 of the Joyful Attorney Podcast. Today, I’m going to talk about integrity, primarily integrity with yourself - and how you deserve much more of it.
This will come as no shock to any of you but lay people don’t really trust attorneys. They see us as sharks, snakes, weasels, slippery, slimey, willing to say or do anything to win. Many of them think that constitutional violations are mere “technicalities.”
More often than not they think we work for the man and not the little guy. I mean how many of us have heard that opposing parties have even gone so far as to leave negative reviews on lawyer’s social media accounts?
I think the only profession that has the worst reputation in the mainstream may just be used car salespeople. But frankly, all the used car salespeople that I know are extremely honest, fair and hardworking. You know what? That goes for most attorneys I know as well.
But we can always improve on our integrity. This is good for us, our souls, our reputations, and for our profession as a whole.
What does integrity mean to you?
The standard definition of integrity is being honest and moral. It comes from the Latin Integritas, from Integer as “intact.” Related words are entirety, integral, integer, and integrate.
Think about that...it means the state of being whole and undivided.
When we lack integrity...we are incomplete...divided in ourselves. And when we lack integrity, it feels awful. Sure, if we get away with a white lie or a fib, we may get a certain level of excitement...but even the smallest of lies can weigh on us.
At times we may even convince ourselves that certain lies are meant to protect others...their feelings. However, to live in dishonesty doesn’t really protect anyone.
I try to practice radical honesty. I try and I do mean try. I don’t always live up to my own expectations of myself. That doesn’t mean I offer up more information than a situation requires or I act without tact. I think most so-called brutal honesty is unnecessarily mean and self-serving. Brutal honesty is what you find on Real Housewives and look how well that normally goes.
But I try not to speak dishonestly to spare people’s feelings. I am sensitive and tactful when the situation requires it. But this is what makes me a great coach (if I do say so myself!) I will tell it like it is. Without judgment. Without meanness. With love.
But how did I get here? Well, first I read the book “On Lying” by Sam Harris. It’s really more like a pamphlet, so I highly recommend it. Then, I had a lot of coaching. And then I recognized the absolute first person I had to have integrity with was myself. It always starts with ourselves
We spend so much time and energy lying to ourselves. Well, really it’s our primitive brain trying to win out over our prefrontal cortex. Remember, our prefrontal cortex is our modern brain, our highest selves. Our primitive brain is our reactive brain.
We tell ourselves so many lies that we lose all trust and confidence in ourselves. We say “I’ll start tomorrow.” “I don’t have enough” “I have to do this” “I don’t have a choice.” These are all lies and they all keep us from our own truth and our inner empowerment. We actually believe that we are powerless against external forces. But the reality is that every single thing that we do is a choice. We have no obligations. Certainly there are consequences to all action and inaction. But aside from force feeding us, no one can make us do anything. I’ll talk more about this in later episodes, but I want to let this little nugget marinate. Everything you do is a choice. There is liberation in that.
Something you will hear me repeat often is that what we practice, we get good at. When we practice lying to ourselves, we get very good at it. As I said, we lose trust in ourselves. This is ultimately debilitating to our goals. When we don’t have integrity with ourselves, our goals become mere dreams...always out of reach or always with some obstacle in the way.
So how can you start to rebuild trust with yourself? First, break your goals into manageable pieces and put them on your schedule. Something I teach in my courses and one-on-one coaching is how to schedule effectively.
It means following through with what you say you are going to do or write on your schedule...without exception. That requires commitment.
When you start to accomplish what you set out to do, you rebuild trust and integrity with yourself. It is mindblowing how much good energy you can build with yourself when you start to truly hold yourself accountable.
When you are impeccable with your word and with your schedule, you live in complete integrity. Complete wholeness. Complete freedom. Colleagues, this is not something out of reach, but it does take practice.
Willpower will not do it. Negative self-talk will not do it. Remember, we have practiced lying to ourselves for a long time. We are very good at it. So it will take some time to practice getting good at living in integrity with ourselves. Small, consistent steps over time is how we achieve anything.
I would love to hear from you about how you are practicing living in integrity. In fact, I’d love to hear from you about anything at all. Please send me your questions, comments, tips at laura@thejoyfulattorney.com
That is also where you can go to learn more about how you can work with me. I can help you get authentic and honest with yourself, so no goal of yours is out of reach. Thank you so much for listening to the Joyful Attorney, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.