Hello Colleagues whenever or wherever you are. Welcome to the Joyful Attorney podcast, I’m your host, Laura Kelley.
Today, I’m going to talk about Human Giver Syndrome - basically it’s a grown-up term for what we all know as ‘people-pleasing’.
I learned about this specific term from the book ‘Burnout’ by Emily and Amelia Nagoski. While the term “Human Giver Syndrome” may be new to you, the concept of people-pleasing is not. And that’s exactly what human giver syndrome is; it’s chronic people-pleasing.
Emily and Amelia got the term Human Giver Syndrome from “philosopher Kate Manne’s language of “human givers” rather than “human beings” - a cultural code in which ‘human beings’ have a moral obligation to be their whole humanity, while human-givers have a moral obligation to give their whole humanity and give it cheerfully.
According to Emily and Amelia, the symptoms of Human Giver Syndrome include:
They go on to say that to suffer from Human Giver Syndrome is to be convinced, on some level, that everyone should suffer along with us. Also, if we see someone who looks like they are not even trying, we feel outraged.
Let me tell you how this is chronic people-pleasing.
‘People-pleasers’ or ‘human givers’...hope that by giving, sacrificing and saying ‘yes’ to others, they will feel accepted, liked, needed, and wanted. It’s an attempt to receive external validation because we do not accept ourselves, we don’t like ourselves, and we feel like we don’t belong. Unworthiness lies at the heart of people-pleasing and human-giver syndrome.
However, people-pleasers and human-givers are liars. The first time I heard that from my teacher, Brooke Castillo, I was aghast. How could she say that about me? I am not a liar? Look at how much I give? Look at how much I sacrifice? Look at how nice I am?
You see, I am a lifelong sufferer of people-pleasing and human-giver syndrome.
But when I let my mind turn that over and over in my head, I had a realization. Omg. When I am people-pleasing I am absolutely a liar. I am not showing up authentically. I am trying to project a version of what I think other people will like, appreciate, value, and love, rather than a true version of who I am.
YIKES, right?
When we are people pleasing or human giving, you are pretending to be someone you are not. You agree with or go along with others, even when you don’t actually agree. This may be really subtle. For me, despite being generally very opinionated, when it came to picking restaurants or activities with my friends, I would never express an opinion…I would go with the flow and let others decide. I was afraid that I would pick wrong or they wouldn’t like what I had chosen.
People-pleasers feel responsible for other people’s emotions. We think we can make others happy or sad. We even think that we can make people like us or not. Guess what, we can’t. We can certainly influence how others perceive us, but we can’t make them think or feel anything about us.
Just like no one can make us think or feel anything either. Remember, our thoughts cause our feelings. Our thoughts are entirely our responsibility.
Also, people pleasers and human givers say sorry all the time. For many of us, “sorry” is an impulse. We don’t even think before we say it. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. I apologized so much I would say sorry if someone else bumped into me. But guess what, when we say sorry on impulse, the word loses all its meaning. We aren’t really sorry. We just don’t want to feel responsible. We definitely don’t want to make anyone else uncomfortable.
We also find enormous difficulty in saying no. When we are unable to say something like no, we tend to make excuses, rather than just saying, “no, thank you.” This is not honest and authentic.
When any kind of negative response is too uncomfortable, we often agree to do things we do not want to do. This makes us feel burdened. Overburdened. When we think we are overburdened, we tend to feel resentful.
When we are people-pleasing, we are often expecting others to read our minds or to act the same way we are. We use ourselves as a reference point. We have a tendency to get angry when others act in ways we deem selfish.
You see people-pleasing and human-giving is really about trying to control how people view us. It’s not altruistic. It’s not merely to give without the expectation of return. We have expectations. We set our expectations so high (using ourselves as a reference) that no one can really match up.
What happens when we give, give, give, please, please, please and do not receive in a balanced manner? Before you answer that…Let me ask you this…for all your giving and all your pleasing? Are you receiving it in a balanced way? I think if you were, you probably wouldn’t be listening to this podcast. So again, what happens when you give, expect to receive, and do not? I imagine you feel drained, depleted, unworthy, unappreciated, overburdened…what else?
Now, I am not suggesting that you be disagreeable or force your opinions on others. I am certainly not saying that it’s a crime to be kind. But what I would suggest is that you get honest with yourself.
You can start by examining your feelings. Do you find yourself feeling resentful due to other people’s failure to meet your expectations? Do you have this nagging feeling that no one likes you? Do you find yourself purposefully trying not to rock the boat?
Now examine thoughts. What thoughts are causing these feelings? Do you think that people won’t like you? Do you think it is your role to always give? Do you believe that you do not deserve to receive? Do you find yourself in a scarcity mindset.
Remember, whenever you are in a scarcity mindset, you put off needy, repellent energy.
When you start to establish boundaries, say no to things you don’t want to do, and think thoughts that allow you to feel worthy, likeable, loveable, valuable, you will be in abundance. And that abundant mindset will allow you to receive like never before.
If you are a natural human-giver, all this will be against every one one of your people-pleasing instincts. But sometimes by saying ‘no’ to the needs of others, you are saying ‘yes’ to the needs of yourself. Maybe, it’s time that the person you please is a lot closer to home.
As always, if you’d like help finding your abundant potential, contact me for some transformative one-on-one coaching. Laura@thejoyfulattorney.com.
Also, I wanted to let you know that my next course on Extinguishing the Flames of Attorney Burnout starts on September 2, 2021. It is a 6-week course where you will learn how to manage your time and your mind.
Not only that but it is approved for 10.5 CLE credits in Florida. If you sign up before July 31st, you can take advantage of the early bird discount, which is $50 off.
Because I love to overdeliver, I am giving away a ticket to my burnout course. You can enter the giveaway on my Instagram or Facebook page. You can find both of them by searching “the joyful attorney” no spaces.
The entire course is usually $297. It’s an excellent value for a class that will transform your time management and productivity and give you some great CLE credit. If you are not a FL licensed attorney, you can still get CLE credit by petition. If I get enough advance interest from a particular state, we can absolutely request CLE credit from that state. That’s why I’m letting you know with plenty of time in advance! If you’d like to sign up, you can check out the “Upcoming events” tab at www.thejoyfulattorney.com
I am also having a free webinar on July 1st at noon eastern called The Mindful Lawyer: Bringing the Practice of Mindfulness to Your Practice. It is approved for 1.5 CLE credits in Florida. You can get more information at themindfullawyer.eventbrite.com or my website.
As always, I hope you found these tips helpful. Until next time….