S3:E5 Sexual trauma, masculine wounds and religion

This one’s personal, raw and real as fuck and it might be better WATCHED than listened to: https://youtu.be/EKoJdqiwxBA

In this episode, I crack myself all the way open (ugly cries and snotty nose) and tell the truth about what it’s actually like to untangle yourself from toxic conditioning — religious, societal, relational — of the patriarchy and reclaim the parts of yourself you were told to hide, especially your sexuality, your power and your voice.

I talk about growing up feeling unsafe and unprotected, and how the absence of strong male figures shaped the hyper-masculine armor I wore for decades. I share stories I’ve never said out loud before — including early sexual traumas, painful memories from adolescence, and the root of the deep masculine energy that made me feel safe… until it didn’t anymore.

This isn’t just about pain — it’s about the power I am reclaiming while going through the pain.

It’s about finding emotional safety inside a relationship (so delicious) and within myself for the first time as a grown woman.

It’s about healing through trust, pleasure, expression and telling the whole damn truth — even if it offends a lotta people.

I talk about the collapse of my marriage, exploring ethical non-monogamy, and navigating desire as a conscious, powerful woman. I unpack how religion taught me to feel shame about my body and my sexuality — and how I'm burning that shame to the ground.

This episode is for any woman who’s ever felt silenced, scared, shamed, or spiritually suffocated.

It’s for the rebels, the seekers, the rule-breakers, and the ones who know their pussy power is a sacred portal to purpose and prosperity.

And yes — some people won’t like it.

I lost followers and it "stung" ... but not really.  Because if I'm pretending to be someone just to keep you around, then I can't blame you for leaving when I actually show you who I am.  Right?

We all know I’m not here to play nice just to make others comfortable.

I’m here to start a f*cking rebellion.

You comin'?

Transcript

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Kristen Lena: There are just some times when. You just have to do the thing.

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Kristen Lena: Because if you think about doing the thing. Anymore. You're not going to do the thing.

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Kristen Lena: And so. I'm.

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Kristen Lena: I might cry. Just so, you know.

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Kristen Lena: Because I feel this well. I feel this well of emotional shit.

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Kristen Lena: That's been. Bubbling up.

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Kristen Lena: Within me. About this.

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Kristen Lena: Topic that I feel. Like. If I don't say it, it's gonna kill me.

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Kristen Lena: Now I know that sounds dramatic. But I really believe.

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Kristen Lena: That one of the things that's happening. Has been happening for women.

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Kristen Lena: Is happening for me right now. Is.

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Kristen Lena: There are things that I've known. Since I was a little kid.

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Kristen Lena: That. I never trusted or.

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Kristen Lena: True, accurate, right. Provable.

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Kristen Lena: Um. And so I've just.

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Kristen Lena: Kept my mouth shut. Because everything that I, the majority of the things that I believe about what I'm going to say.

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Kristen Lena: Fly in the face of. Organized religion.

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Kristen Lena: Societal paradigms. What it means to be a woman.

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Kristen Lena: Um. What's really important, how we take our power back.

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Kristen Lena: And. I'm.

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Kristen Lena: Exhausted. I've been exhausted for a while.

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Kristen Lena: I'm exhausted from holding it in. I mean so much different.

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Kristen Lena: Good. Just when you need attention.

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Kristen Lena: Just. It's just so tired.

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Kristen Lena: I'm so tired. There was so many women yours.

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Kristen Lena: So tired. Just bear with me, because.

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Kristen Lena: I have to. Do they have any?

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Kristen Lena: Say these things, that. Have impacted me my whole life and things that I've known.

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Kristen Lena: Who knows if I'll ever like put this up. On, my Podcast.

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Kristen Lena: I just feel like I've been trapped. And where I've been trapped is.

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Kristen Lena: Knowing things. Inherently.

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Kristen Lena: And be so afraid to talk about it, because. Of people like, you know.

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Kristen Lena: Judgment, and. Being being called something. I don't know what the word is. We're new.

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Kristen Lena: When you question. Any question that.

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Kristen Lena: Big paradigms that you are. The human race, then I can't even.

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Kristen Lena: It's like I just can't. I can't. I'm like sacrificing my own well-being. Because I'm so afraid of.

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Kristen Lena: The backlash, or. Losing friends, or.

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Kristen Lena: Look like a. Looking or sounding like.

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Kristen Lena: I don't fucking know. I'm just tired. I'm just so tired.

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Kristen Lena: When you. When you have things like.

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Kristen Lena: This which I will eventually share. Once I like. Pass through this emotional.

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Kristen Lena: Reaction says, Thank you for sticking with me. If you choose to stick with me. When it's something that's in you for so long.

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Kristen Lena: And. You are like.

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Kristen Lena: Taking a step to actually say the. Thing that needs to be said. And you're.

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Kristen Lena: Faced with like. All of the worst case scenarios like.

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Kristen Lena: It's like, um. It's like terror and liberation at the same time.

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Kristen Lena: It's like. Like. I have these flashes in my mind right now. I was like I can't.

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Kristen Lena: Cause. I just want the world to change for them. And I know that the only world, the only way that the world changes is, if I.

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Kristen Lena: Open my fucking mouth. And say.

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Kristen Lena: The thing that. Because it gets wet. Holy cat!

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Kristen Lena: Everyone. When I look out into the world, whether it be social media or my friends.

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Kristen Lena: When I say the thing that was going to go against everything, I'm terrified of the backlash. I'm terrified. But I'm also.

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Kristen Lena: So done. With being.

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Kristen Lena: Heart way, here. Because I'm not honoring this part of what.

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Kristen Lena: I believe to be true. When I hit pause I can blow up my notes, and I'll be.

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Kristen Lena: I'll be right back. Interesting.

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Kristen Lena: Wow! Okay, so.

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Kristen Lena: Compose myself for the time being. For the moment.

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Kristen Lena: Um. So.

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Kristen Lena: So fascinating because I'm like. Had like these, just massive like, just.

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Kristen Lena: These downloads, and I'm like, Oh, my God! I have to talk about this. I have to talk about this, and then I hit record and. I'm like.

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Kristen Lena: Concerned about conciseness. It's already been 10 min. And all these.

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Kristen Lena: It's always like somebody's voice is in my head. And the people whose voices are in my head are.

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Kristen Lena: Leadership trainers. Telling me that it's.

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Kristen Lena: Not in your leadership to be emotional. People who like. I just can't.

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Kristen Lena: I just I just. I just can't.

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Kristen Lena: It's like. Living inside the confines.

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Kristen Lena: Of like societal rules. Societal rules. Just rules about.

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Kristen Lena: How you're supposed to lead and. How you're supposed to communicate, and I'm just like.

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Kristen Lena: Fuck off. Fuck man fuck off because.

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Kristen Lena: How I'm supposed to is how I do. I mean, it's exhausting.

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Kristen Lena: I literally am exhausted. So.

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Kristen Lena: I was 8 years old. When.

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Kristen Lena: My brother's best friend, who was 14. I woke up in the middle of the night with him on top of me. My only real memory, from that.

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Kristen Lena: Was. Just making out with him.

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Kristen Lena: Um. In my bed.

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Kristen Lena: In the middle of the night he was sleeping over. That was the only.

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Kristen Lena: Thing I remember don't know if he touched me anywhere. I don't know, but what I do know is, I had a massive crush on him. So that was very confusing.

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Kristen Lena: The next time. A boy was inappropriate with me.

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Kristen Lena: It was a. Step cousin, who was.

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Kristen Lena: Playing catch with me, and kept throwing the ball at my crotch and asking me to spread my legs open. More and more, and he would throw the ball right at my.

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Kristen Lena: Vagina. And then, of course, it was when I lost my virginity at 15.

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Kristen Lena: To, my. Boyfriend, who was 18 at the time, who I had been.

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Kristen Lena: Fending off for 6 months because I wasn't. Ready. I was scared. I didn't feel ready.

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Kristen Lena: To have sex. And then the night that he just. Stopped listening to me. Say no.

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Kristen Lena: And I said, No, please stop, please stop! No. Please stop the entire time.

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Kristen Lena: Those 3. Instances. Along with.

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Kristen Lena: I'm really getting it. So.

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Kristen Lena: He was the 1st one, and then. And then.

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Kristen Lena: My mom moved us. When my parents split.

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Kristen Lena: She moved me and my brother, my sister, to Colorado. And.

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Kristen Lena: No dad. Hey! My brother!

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Kristen Lena: Well, always felt safe with. Was now gone.

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Kristen Lena: So I had no. No male figure, no.

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Kristen Lena: One, that. Felt like was was there to protect me, and I felt like.

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Kristen Lena: The most alone and the most scared that I've ever felt. My entire life was at 9 years old. Went from this complete cohesive nuclear family to.

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Kristen Lena: Yeah. I'm now the oldest, because my brother.

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Kristen Lena: Would to go live with his, his dad. And then I was the oldest, my younger brother and sister. My mom was now.

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Kristen Lena: Full time, working. Single vault.

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Kristen Lena: And I felt petrified in the world. And so, when I chose the boyfriend.

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Kristen Lena: I looked at him. And I had an experience of something.

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Kristen Lena: Something similar. A couple years before, but I looked at him, and he reminded me of my dad like.

00:15:08.000 --> 00:15:12.000
Kristen Lena: What they call. A brick shit house.

00:15:12.000 --> 00:15:17.000
Kristen Lena: Stacked muscles just strong. Powerful, dominant.

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Kristen Lena: Alpha male energy, which is the energy of my dad, which made me feel really safe because I knew. I knew that no one was gonna fuck with me.

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Kristen Lena: When my dad was around, and then. I didn't have that feeling because he wasn't around, and so I felt scared all the time.

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Kristen Lena: And so. I consciously decided to be.

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Kristen Lena: Tough. I consciously decided to be really strong, and I was really angry too.

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Kristen Lena: And there was an incident when I was like in like 7th grade. And there was this boy. And he looked like the Mexican version of my brother like spitting image. So my brother, blonde hair, blue eyes.

00:16:04.000 --> 00:16:08.000
Kristen Lena: In this uh. This boy was like.

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Kristen Lena: Dark skin, brown hair, brown eyes, but look exactly like my brother, like exactly. And this boy was in 8th grade, and I was in 7th grade, and I just.

00:16:36.000 --> 00:16:43.000
Kristen Lena: Like. I thought he was cute, but more than anything I like, he reminded me so much of my brother, and I just.

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Kristen Lena: I just wanted to feel safe. So I remember I said something to him one time, and he was just a complete Dick to me. So it was like this heartbreak of like, Oh, my God! I have this like like.

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Kristen Lena: Pain in my chest, because I miss my brother so much, and then. There's this boy!

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Kristen Lena: And like the heartbreak. The heartbreak that women feel.

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Kristen Lena: Being unsafe in the world is like the worst feeling. Especially.

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Kristen Lena: If you have it, I can only speak to having had it and then losing it. Because I know what it feels like to feel safe and protect.

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Kristen Lena: And I didn't think I was gonna cry this much, you guys, I'm sorry, and I'm not sorry. And. What it feels like to be a woman.

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Kristen Lena: In the world. Is terrifying.

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Kristen Lena: And it's constant. Like.

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Kristen Lena: You know. I had to just blow my nose. I'm so sorry.

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Kristen Lena: Stop apologizing. For being.

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Kristen Lena: I'm going to stop apologizing for being a deeply emotional human being. Because I really believe that's 1 of like my.

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Kristen Lena: Superpowers. It just sucks to like.

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Kristen Lena: You know. It doesn't suck to be witnessed. It really doesn't. But.

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Kristen Lena: I am self-conscious about like, Hey, get on with the story right. So I have these like.

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Kristen Lena: Micro. Maybe they're not micro heartbreaks. Felt awful. He felt massive.

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Kristen Lena: Um. It was just this hole in my heart that my brother and my dad were both not in my life anymore. At 9 years old.

00:18:59.000 --> 00:19:05.000
Kristen Lena: 9 years old. And I felt unsafe in the world.

00:19:05.000 --> 00:19:09.000
Kristen Lena: And what I did with that. Lack of safety.

00:19:10.000 --> 00:19:15.000
Kristen Lena: As I became an angry. Ball, busting.

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Kristen Lena: Dominant. Trolling.

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Kristen Lena: Like. I don't want to say bitch. It was more.

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Kristen Lena: It wasn't bitchy. It was like aggressive. Highly dominating masculine energy.

00:19:35.000 --> 00:19:45.000
Kristen Lena: And it served me in a lot of ways. Was rewarded in a lot of ways. I felt I was very competitive in sports. I was very like.

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Kristen Lena: Like there's a level of resilience in me that's like I'm not fucking, going down. I'm not going down like.

00:19:53.000 --> 00:19:56.000
Kristen Lena: Literally over my dead body. I.

00:19:56.000 --> 00:20:04.000
Kristen Lena: Um, resilient and confident and strong. And also always.

00:20:04.000 --> 00:20:15.000
Kristen Lena: Scared. And I'm so exhausted from being scared, and I know so many women who are scared in the world.

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Kristen Lena: Like, just. Terrified to be in the world.

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Kristen Lena: We are. Acutely aware.

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Kristen Lena: Of how vulnerable we are. And how much we need protection.

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Kristen Lena: Hike! I crave protection. I feel like I need it.

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Kristen Lena: I desire it. I want to feel safe. Now before those of you who.

00:20:45.000 --> 00:20:55.000
Kristen Lena: Want to like. Get on your. Whatever soapbox about like creating safety within. Yes, I got it. Great gotcha.

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Kristen Lena: Fuck off for now just fuck off, for now suspend your suspend your advice and coaching for me, please, because I'm. I'm making a a larger point here, and the point is that.

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Kristen Lena: The world has not been safe for women. For my entire life.

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Kristen Lena: It's less so now. And also. As I was going through my divorce and really figuring out like, so what like? What was the thing? There's obviously there's not just one thing that.

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Kristen Lena: And that ruins marriage right like that ruins that. That relationship.

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Kristen Lena: And. Um.

00:21:49.000 --> 00:21:58.000
Kristen Lena: My kids texting me. It's not just one thing.

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Kristen Lena: Or one person, that. In the marriage.

00:22:01.000 --> 00:22:07.000
Kristen Lena: It's um. It's all of the stuff that we carry right. It's all the stuff that we carry.

00:22:07.000 --> 00:22:12.000
Kristen Lena: The wounds that we carry. Over from childhood, like the ones that I'm explaining to you.

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Kristen Lena: So in 2020 I started doing work with my brilliant friend, Christina Maglino, inside of her mystery school of intuitive intelligence. It was lots of feminine. Just lots of feminine work. I was with her for 2 years.

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Kristen Lena: And then I. Really started looking at. That was around the time that I.

00:22:37.000 --> 00:22:49.000
Kristen Lena: Started having conversations about with my ex. About ending the marriage, and. And I was looking at all of the ways that I was just so hyper masculine in the in the relationship, and those are safety.

00:22:50.000 --> 00:22:55.000
Kristen Lena: Mechanisms. Those were. Those are ways of being for me that felt.

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Kristen Lena: Like I had some semblance of control. I'm not.

00:23:03.000 --> 00:23:10.000
Kristen Lena: Hold on! Yes. Okay.

00:23:12.000 --> 00:23:47.000
Kristen Lena: Well um. Um.

00:23:48.000 --> 00:23:56.000
Kristen Lena: Like safety mechanisms. Ways of being that feel protective ways of being that are in response to pain.

00:23:56.000 --> 00:24:04.000
Kristen Lena: In fear. And so mine were the ways that I responded to feeling alone and afraid and unsafe.

00:24:04.000 --> 00:24:08.000
Kristen Lena: Is to just be. Masculine to just be like.

00:24:09.000 --> 00:24:14.000
Kristen Lena: You do not want to fuck with me like my whole air was like. Just.

00:24:14.000 --> 00:24:23.000
Kristen Lena: Just test me. Like. Test me and see what the fuck happens like I was like, I've tried to get into fight fights with dudes like that's.

00:24:24.000 --> 00:24:29.000
Kristen Lena: That's the extent of like. Trying to fight guys like.

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Kristen Lena: And so. We decide to split. And I obviously, um, I want to know. Okay, so what contributed to this.

00:24:40.000 --> 00:24:45.000
Kristen Lena: All the things I just shared. Plus. He had his shit that he brought in.

00:24:45.000 --> 00:24:49.000
Kristen Lena: Um. And then um.

00:24:51.000 --> 00:24:55.000
Kristen Lena: And then. I realized how.

00:24:55.000 --> 00:25:02.000
Kristen Lena: In my like dysfunctional, masculine I had been, and how much that. Ruined.

00:25:02.000 --> 00:25:07.000
Kristen Lena: The relationship between me and my ex-husband. And it was from the start.

00:25:07.000 --> 00:25:12.000
Kristen Lena: I mean. It was from the start. He came in with his wounded. Feminine like his whole, like.

00:25:12.000 --> 00:25:16.000
Kristen Lena: Mother, wound the father, wound. We're perfect for each other.

00:25:16.000 --> 00:25:25.000
Kristen Lena: And we would have been perfect for each other if we had both decided that we wanted to individually, and then. As a as a couple work on our shit, and that just wasn't the case.

00:25:26.000 --> 00:25:29.000
Kristen Lena: And then. I started to get into.

00:25:31.000 --> 00:25:35.000
Kristen Lena: Um. Wanting to have experiences with men.

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Kristen Lena: To put me in positions to be. To feel safe, to be.

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Kristen Lena: Um. I don't want to say submissive.

00:25:44.000 --> 00:25:49.000
Kristen Lena: Because I don't really. I'm not really sure that that's my thing.

00:25:50.000 --> 00:26:02.000
Kristen Lena: But to be so, to feel safe. To be trusting to be open, to allow to receive. I mean, those are those are massive in and of themselves, let alone being submissive to someone.

00:26:03.000 --> 00:26:14.000
Kristen Lena: But I started to investigate ethical non-monogamy and. There's an app called Field. At the time this was in 2022 I started to.

00:26:14.000 --> 00:26:24.000
Kristen Lena: Explore ethical non-monogamy, specifically looking for a Dom. That could consciously help me work through some of these masculine wounds.

00:26:24.000 --> 00:26:32.000
Kristen Lena: Because I knew that unless and until I was willing to. Even attempt.

00:26:32.000 --> 00:26:41.000
Kristen Lena: To be with a very masculine man. I had to look at my own wounding. Which I did, and then I.

00:26:41.000 --> 00:26:45.000
Kristen Lena: I attempted to be in a dom sub. Relationship with.

00:26:45.000 --> 00:26:49.000
Kristen Lena: 3 men before I actually figured it out. And.

00:26:49.000 --> 00:26:59.000
Kristen Lena: The 1st one didn't go anywhere. The second one, I think he was just. Cheating on his wife, or something I don't even know is just lame. And then the 3rd one was a complete catfish.

00:26:59.000 --> 00:27:01.000
Kristen Lena: It was a fake. Fake, profile.

00:27:02.000 --> 00:27:11.000
Kristen Lena: Then I got onto Field. So all of this was traditional dating apps like bumble and hinge. Then I got onto field. It was very clear.

00:27:11.000 --> 00:27:17.000
Kristen Lena: What kind of man I was looking for. And I knew he had to be masculine and dominant.

00:27:17.000 --> 00:27:21.000
Kristen Lena: But also emotionally intelligent. And I found someone.

00:27:22.000 --> 00:27:25.000
Kristen Lena: And his name. Is Adam.

00:27:25.000 --> 00:27:34.000
Kristen Lena: And he's still in my life. I met him in January of 2020. 2020.

00:27:36.000 --> 00:27:42.000
Kristen Lena: It's like 2 and a half years, 2023. I'm pretty sure I think it was 2023.

00:27:43.000 --> 00:27:46.000
Kristen Lena: And. He created.

00:27:46.000 --> 00:27:52.000
Kristen Lena: A space for me. To break the fuck down like I just did.

00:27:52.000 --> 00:28:01.000
Kristen Lena: Whenever I needed to, and we're talking I had. I was going through all of the shit with my ex-husband. I was going through I mean.

00:28:01.000 --> 00:28:05.000
Kristen Lena: All of the things with divorce. And this man.

00:28:06.000 --> 00:28:15.000
Kristen Lena: Just kept showing up, and I just kept thinking. Oh, this time he's he's gonna he's gonna leave. He's gonna be like, Yeah, you're too much. This is too much emotion, like.

00:28:15.000 --> 00:28:29.000
Kristen Lena: Call me when you've got your shit together like you're just. You're just a fucking basket case like you're a wreck, and that's been. That's a story that I've had. Like I. My emotions are too deep. I feel too much. I express too much. I am too much.

00:28:29.000 --> 00:28:33.000
Kristen Lena: And this man was like, I, fucking love it. And.

00:28:33.000 --> 00:28:42.000
Kristen Lena: If you know anything about me, you know I love the pattern app, and it's fucking amazing and literally my like relationship. Astrology is like you need someone.

00:28:42.000 --> 00:28:46.000
Kristen Lena: Who loves the fact that you're fucking intense. And if that's not there.

00:28:46.000 --> 00:28:51.000
Kristen Lena: It's not going to work. And he provided that for me, 1st time in my.

00:28:51.000 --> 00:28:55.000
Kristen Lena: 50, something years on the planet. Where.

00:28:55.000 --> 00:29:01.000
Kristen Lena: I felt emotionally safe with the man, and I knew that I could bring anything. Anything.

00:29:02.000 --> 00:29:09.000
Kristen Lena: And he wouldn't be like, why are you being so emotional? Why are you so hysterical? And he just kept saying to me, I got you.

00:29:10.000 --> 00:29:16.000
Kristen Lena: And he kept saying to me, You're going through a lot. This is a lot for a person to handle.

00:29:16.000 --> 00:29:18.000
Kristen Lena: He knew. He knew what was going. He knew what.

00:29:18.000 --> 00:29:22.000
Kristen Lena: He knew my life. And He created.

00:29:22.000 --> 00:29:25.000
Kristen Lena: An environment where I could fall apart. With him.

00:29:26.000 --> 00:29:29.000
Kristen Lena: And I did. Multiple times.

00:29:29.000 --> 00:29:35.000
Kristen Lena: Anytime I needed to. And he just kept saying, I got you. I got you. You want to know guys like.

00:29:36.000 --> 00:29:42.000
Kristen Lena: For any man listening to this. Saying.

00:29:42.000 --> 00:29:54.000
Kristen Lena: The words, I got you to a woman. And actually meaning it like backing it up with like, I'm not going anywhere. I got you, whatever like whatever you need like. I'm holding you.

00:29:54.000 --> 00:29:58.000
Kristen Lena: Even just. Emotionally, energetically. I've got you like.

00:29:58.000 --> 00:30:02.000
Kristen Lena: Don't worry. It did something to my nervous system.

00:30:02.000 --> 00:30:06.000
Kristen Lena: Over the 2 and a half years. That like.

00:30:06.000 --> 00:30:16.000
Kristen Lena: I. It's like I trusted him like he proved himself to me. He and he did. He had me.

00:30:16.000 --> 00:30:23.000
Kristen Lena: No matter what. And I was like I have never in my life experienced this. Now I went in looking for that.

00:30:23.000 --> 00:30:32.000
Kristen Lena: I went in asking for that. Looking for that, requiring that in whoever the partner was going to be, that I was doing this dumb sub thing with.

00:30:32.000 --> 00:30:36.000
Kristen Lena: And we did some of that. We did some of that.

00:30:37.000 --> 00:30:42.000
Kristen Lena: Towards the beginning. But it was the emotional.

00:30:42.000 --> 00:30:49.000
Kristen Lena: Is the emotional holding. It was the space that he held for me emotionally. That made the biggest difference for me.

00:30:50.000 --> 00:30:55.000
Kristen Lena: And so. The reason I'm telling you this is because if you're listening and you're a man.

00:30:57.000 --> 00:31:07.000
Kristen Lena: The greatest thing you can provide to a woman is safety. Hands down. The number. One thing you can provide to a woman is safety. Now, safety could mean.

00:31:07.000 --> 00:31:14.000
Kristen Lena: On all levels, physical safety. I want to feel safe, knowing like if someone rolled up on me. My dude is fucking. I've got your back.

00:31:14.000 --> 00:31:20.000
Kristen Lena: Um, I would. I'd hate a motherfucker to even mess with me, and I had that feeling.

00:31:20.000 --> 00:31:23.000
Kristen Lena: Like. I was like.

00:31:23.000 --> 00:31:31.000
Kristen Lena: He did not want to mess with me, because I got 6 foot 5 over here like he will end you. And I love that feeling. I love the feeling of being protected.

00:31:31.000 --> 00:31:44.000
Kristen Lena: And then. But then it was also the emotional piece, emotionally holding me, no matter fucking what, no matter what. He's a cancer never been with a cancer deeply, deeply emotional as well. He understands my landscape. It was awesome.

00:31:45.000 --> 00:31:49.000
Kristen Lena: And so. I, just over the last 2 and a half years, have just.

00:31:50.000 --> 00:32:01.000
Kristen Lena: Healed so many of those wounds, so many of this kind of like. I'm too muchness. Especially in relationships. And I got to experience what it feels like.

00:32:02.000 --> 00:32:05.000
Kristen Lena: To be gotten. I got you.

00:32:05.000 --> 00:32:08.000
Kristen Lena: I got you. And like.

00:32:08.000 --> 00:32:16.000
Kristen Lena: I collapsed on that man multiple times, and I mean emotionally. Physically, like all the things, and he held this space for me that.

00:32:17.000 --> 00:32:22.000
Kristen Lena: I was coming out of a divorce. Was it his stuff?

00:32:22.000 --> 00:32:25.000
Kristen Lena: But he held it. Like.

00:32:25.000 --> 00:32:30.000
Kristen Lena: Guys. We are mysterious creatures, but we're.

00:32:31.000 --> 00:32:37.000
Kristen Lena: There's kind of a formula, and the formula is. Hold a powerful space.

00:32:37.000 --> 00:32:43.000
Kristen Lena: For us to do this. Because this is what we do.

00:32:43.000 --> 00:32:48.000
Kristen Lena: We are cyclical. Women are cyclical in nature. Cycles.

00:32:48.000 --> 00:32:53.000
Kristen Lena: Every month cycles throughout the month. With. I mean all the things.

00:32:54.000 --> 00:33:02.000
Kristen Lena: And the fact that he could do that and not judge me. I've never felt it before. It was literally healing to my nervous system.

00:33:04.000 --> 00:33:10.000
Kristen Lena: But here's what I want to. The the whole thing that I wanted to talk about was. Sex.

00:33:10.000 --> 00:33:16.000
Kristen Lena: And religion. Sex from the standpoint not of like the act of sex.

00:33:17.000 --> 00:33:22.000
Kristen Lena: But the sexuality and the creative. Power.

00:33:22.000 --> 00:33:26.000
Kristen Lena: That women have. Through their sex.

00:33:26.000 --> 00:33:29.000
Kristen Lena: Energy. Now.

00:33:31.000 --> 00:33:50.000
Kristen Lena: I just got done watching the S. Factor documentary on Netflix, called. Strip down, rise up, or rise up, strip down! I don't know. Rise up, strip down. Can't remember fucking Google it. Watch it. If you're a woman. I think this is a rite of passage. Every woman should should watch this. Why is it about stripping? No.

00:33:51.000 --> 00:33:54.000
Kristen Lena: It's about the shame. That women have been.

00:33:54.000 --> 00:33:58.000
Kristen Lena: Deeply conditioned to feel about. Their looks.

00:33:59.000 --> 00:34:02.000
Kristen Lena: Their sexuality. Their attractiveness.

00:34:03.000 --> 00:34:07.000
Kristen Lena: Their body. The power that they have.

00:34:07.000 --> 00:34:14.000
Kristen Lena: Like pussy power. And I say that because it's actually like a thing pussy power. And the creative.

00:34:15.000 --> 00:34:19.000
Kristen Lena: Powerful nature. That women just have naturally.

00:34:19.000 --> 00:34:29.000
Kristen Lena: And. I am going to say this.

00:34:32.000 --> 00:34:35.000
Kristen Lena: I don't feel safe. With Christians.

00:34:36.000 --> 00:34:40.000
Kristen Lena: Catholics. Protestants. I don't feel safe with any.

00:34:40.000 --> 00:34:43.000
Kristen Lena: Religion. Any religion.

00:34:44.000 --> 00:34:51.000
Kristen Lena: And this is my judgment. Okay, I'm giving you full on admission that I am judging you.

00:34:51.000 --> 00:34:58.000
Kristen Lena: Because I believe you are judging me. The thing that has kept me quiet. About this thing called.

00:34:58.000 --> 00:35:03.000
Kristen Lena: Female empowerment. Which happens through our fucking pussy.

00:35:03.000 --> 00:35:08.000
Kristen Lena: Not our sex. It's through that portal.

00:35:11.000 --> 00:35:23.000
Kristen Lena: And. And.

00:35:27.000 --> 00:35:40.000
Kristen Lena: The the amount of shame that a woman feels for her sexuality. And I'll just talk about myself. I started masturbating at like. I don't know. 12. I didn't. I didn't get my period until I was almost 15 years old. I.

00:35:40.000 --> 00:35:44.000
Kristen Lena: Was a late bloomer. But I was masturbating a lot.

00:35:44.000 --> 00:35:59.000
Kristen Lena: And feeling a lot of shame. And wondering why I was doing this, and I felt dirty and wrong, and I had to hide it, and I did it all the time, and then I became kind of obsessed about it, and then I would sneak away and figure out ways that I could do it, and all of that shame and secrecy.

00:36:00.000 --> 00:36:04.000
Kristen Lena: Led to more shame. So when we hide things.

00:36:04.000 --> 00:36:12.000
Kristen Lena: When I hide, I think. I believe that you judge me based on what you believe religiously.

00:36:12.000 --> 00:36:19.000
Kristen Lena: And I'm judging you for your beliefs, because I believe you're judging me. I hide.

00:36:19.000 --> 00:36:26.000
Kristen Lena: And it's secrecy and shame that keeps secrecy. In place.

00:36:26.000 --> 00:36:29.000
Kristen Lena: Like. Think about it this way.

00:36:29.000 --> 00:36:48.000
Kristen Lena: If you have a desire, or you have something that you want, let's just talk about like sexuality. Let's say you're a man, and you're secretly attracted to other men, but you could never admit that, because out in our culture that means all kinds of things. And it would mean something like you'd have to like.

00:36:48.000 --> 00:36:54.000
Kristen Lena: You'd have to admit all kinds of things. So you hide that. Do you think that doesn't go anywhere.

00:36:55.000 --> 00:37:08.000
Kristen Lena: It absolutely like it generates within you, and the amount of energy that it takes for us to hold in secrets. Is mind boggling. That's why I cried at the very beginning of this.

00:37:08.000 --> 00:37:18.000
Kristen Lena: Recording because. It felt like this like this, this geyser, this like thing had opened up. And I was just like, I'm about to confess.

00:37:19.000 --> 00:37:26.000
Kristen Lena: I'm about to confess. Why? Because I believe. Secrets are literally robbing us.

00:37:26.000 --> 00:37:31.000
Kristen Lena: Of life, Force, Energy, joy and purpose. And what I want.

00:37:31.000 --> 00:37:39.000
Kristen Lena: People who are religious. And I'm using this in a very broad term. People who are religious.

00:37:39.000 --> 00:37:46.000
Kristen Lena: I believe that you look at the Bible. And you believe that shit that they talk about with women like.

00:37:46.000 --> 00:37:51.000
Kristen Lena: Eve. Ate the apple and tempted Adam. No one talks about Adam.

00:37:53.000 --> 00:38:02.000
Kristen Lena: Taking an action. It all starts with Eve. When you talk about Jesus was born, he was born to a woman who was a virgin.

00:38:03.000 --> 00:38:11.000
Kristen Lena: How is that even fucking possible. How come no one's talking about the Virgin Mary? How come no one's talking about the miracle.

00:38:11.000 --> 00:38:16.000
Kristen Lena: Of the woman who birthed Jesus so in my mind I'm like. Why is this fucking.

00:38:17.000 --> 00:38:26.000
Kristen Lena: Why is this paradigm. And listen. I'm not talking about whether or not Jesus Christ was like a good guy like a good person. Y'all believe what you want to believe.

00:38:26.000 --> 00:38:36.000
Kristen Lena: I've never believed any of it. What does that make me? I don't know if you don't want to be friends with me, because I don't believe I'm going to hell, and I believe my pleasure center.

00:38:37.000 --> 00:38:45.000
Kristen Lena: My sex center is where all my power is. And if you actually want to know what I mean by that, just ask me.

00:38:45.000 --> 00:38:48.000
Kristen Lena: Women have been. So shamed.

00:38:49.000 --> 00:38:57.000
Kristen Lena: So shamed about their bodies, about everything, about having periods. You know that period. Blood has stem cells in it. It's a life.

00:38:58.000 --> 00:39:03.000
Kristen Lena: Affirming is, it literally makes life. But women have been.

00:39:04.000 --> 00:39:10.000
Kristen Lena: It's it's infuriating to me. And because I feel this pressure of secrecy.

00:39:10.000 --> 00:39:13.000
Kristen Lena: And this pressure of. Secret.

00:39:14.000 --> 00:39:22.000
Kristen Lena: I don't want anyone to know about my sexual past. I don't really actually care. The only reason I would care.

00:39:22.000 --> 00:39:27.000
Kristen Lena: Is because I believe you will judge me. And I have really good friends.

00:39:27.000 --> 00:39:37.000
Kristen Lena: Who are. Christians. My entire fucking Facebook feed right now is talking about New Age women who need to be saved by Christianity. I want to vomit.

00:39:37.000 --> 00:39:44.000
Kristen Lena: I want to vomit. Do you want to know why I want to vomit? It's not that what I believe. It's not that I believe that you're wrong.

00:39:44.000 --> 00:39:52.000
Kristen Lena: It said. I believe that you, believing you're right, is what's wrong. Because listen, I believe what I believe is right.

00:39:52.000 --> 00:40:02.000
Kristen Lena: But I would never. In a million fucking years tell you that my rightness needs to be your rightness ever. That's the problem.

00:40:02.000 --> 00:40:13.000
Kristen Lena: The problem is, you believe Jesus is the way right? Otherwise you wouldn't be a Christian. And I've I've grappled with this. I mean more times than I can count.

00:40:13.000 --> 00:40:24.000
Kristen Lena: Maybe it is Jesus. Maybe it is Jesus, and you know what maybe it fucking is, but want to know what's keeping me from Jesus, if it, if he, in fact, is the way. The righteousness about it.

00:40:25.000 --> 00:40:29.000
Kristen Lena: Because what about Buddhism? What about Hinduism.

00:40:29.000 --> 00:40:35.000
Kristen Lena: What about every single. Faith before Christianity. What about it?

00:40:35.000 --> 00:40:49.000
Kristen Lena: What about my personal beliefs? I'm like, I don't really believe a lot of that shit that's in the Bible. Sorry. Why man wrote it. God didn't write it. Men, men, not even women. Men, wrote the Bible. I've had an inherent problem with it.

00:40:49.000 --> 00:40:53.000
Kristen Lena: From the time I was 7. In Catholic school.

00:40:53.000 --> 00:41:02.000
Kristen Lena: And for those of you being like, Oh, yeah, Catholics are really fucked up. Y'all are fucked up. Every single one of you, because you think you're right.

00:41:03.000 --> 00:41:06.000
Kristen Lena: I. Believe what I believe.

00:41:06.000 --> 00:41:14.000
Kristen Lena: But I would never fucking. Say, I'm right about it. Ever, and the righteousness is the problem. So.

00:41:15.000 --> 00:41:21.000
Kristen Lena: I fear I will lose friends. By taking the stand. And I'm okay with that.

00:41:22.000 --> 00:41:28.000
Kristen Lena: I'm okay with that, let me ask you this question. If you being right about your belief.

00:41:28.000 --> 00:41:32.000
Kristen Lena: Not that something that you can prove. It's all based on faith.

00:41:32.000 --> 00:41:42.000
Kristen Lena: It's all based on what you've read in the Bible. If you believe that you're right about that. Something that you believe that it's right. It's the only way.

00:41:42.000 --> 00:41:49.000
Kristen Lena: It's the only way to have a relationship with God. Then you wouldn't want to be friends with me.

00:41:49.000 --> 00:41:56.000
Kristen Lena: Because I don't believe that, and you're not going to change my mind now. I could maybe change my mind. I'm open to it.

00:41:57.000 --> 00:42:04.000
Kristen Lena: But it's never going to be, because. You're trying to get me to see a certain way.

00:42:04.000 --> 00:42:11.000
Kristen Lena: You'd have to be just as willing for me to convince you. That the opposite is true, or that that's not true.

00:42:11.000 --> 00:42:14.000
Kristen Lena: And I don't think that you are. So.

00:42:14.000 --> 00:42:28.000
Kristen Lena: I might lose. I mean I live in like in Arizona alone. It's like, I swear everybody you throw a rock, and you hear you're hitting a Christian. And then there's Mormons, and I'm not. There's no judgment like you're gonna fucking. Believe what you want to believe.

00:42:28.000 --> 00:42:32.000
Kristen Lena: Just don't crucify me about mine. It's all I care about.

00:42:32.000 --> 00:42:37.000
Kristen Lena: Like. The problems that we see out in the world aren't because.

00:42:37.000 --> 00:42:42.000
Kristen Lena: People are sinning. Sin isn't the fucking problem. Righteousness is.

00:42:44.000 --> 00:42:50.000
Kristen Lena: Gnaw on that for a minute. And you would have to question.

00:42:50.000 --> 00:42:57.000
Kristen Lena: The tenets, the very tenets of your beliefs. In order to even hear me.

00:42:58.000 --> 00:43:01.000
Kristen Lena: And I get that. I absolutely get that.

00:43:02.000 --> 00:43:08.000
Kristen Lena: But until and unless you can actually consider. That what I'm saying is could be true.

00:43:08.000 --> 00:43:14.000
Kristen Lena: Why? Because anything anything could be true, and we don't know.

00:43:14.000 --> 00:43:19.000
Kristen Lena: We literally don't know. We have 0 clue.

00:43:19.000 --> 00:43:23.000
Kristen Lena: 0. So.

00:43:23.000 --> 00:43:26.000
Kristen Lena: I'm. I'm saying this.

00:43:26.000 --> 00:43:46.000
Kristen Lena: Because it's always in my space. I go to like post something on Instagram, and I'm like my Christian friends are going to be like what the fuck? What are you talking about, pussy Power? And what do you. And I'm just going to say this, the last thing I'm going to say, because my kids about to be home, and I got to clean up myself and look like I don't even care, I can tell it. This has been a thing.

00:43:46.000 --> 00:44:01.000
Kristen Lena: I posted something a provocative video of me on a chair like kind of just like feeling I was topless. But I was facing away from the camera. So it was just my back, and I was in underwear. And I don't have 2 shits about that.

00:44:01.000 --> 00:44:07.000
Kristen Lena: I don't. Because if you because if I can't express myself through my body.

00:44:07.000 --> 00:44:14.000
Kristen Lena: In a way that's like, I want to show you what it looks like for a woman to be. In her body.

00:44:14.000 --> 00:44:18.000
Kristen Lena: Feeling, her power. Getting really connected.

00:44:18.000 --> 00:44:22.000
Kristen Lena: If I can't show that. We should. We shouldn't be friends.

00:44:22.000 --> 00:44:34.000
Kristen Lena: And I lost 10 followers from that video. But what happened was my worst fear, which is one of my daughters. Now listen. Let me just also tell you this, my kids.

00:44:34.000 --> 00:44:42.000
Kristen Lena: Instagram accounts are locked down for content. They can't see content. That might be not appropriate for kids, because.

00:44:42.000 --> 00:44:47.000
Kristen Lena: I lock their profiles down so they can't see that shit. Now.

00:44:47.000 --> 00:44:54.000
Kristen Lena: Other kids. Their parents don't do that, they can see the shit. So some of her friends saw my stuff, and it went around.

00:44:54.000 --> 00:44:57.000
Kristen Lena: Her Friend Group. And she was mortified.

00:44:57.000 --> 00:45:05.000
Kristen Lena: So I pulled it down, and I sobbed my like fucking eyes out. I was so. I was so mad.

00:45:05.000 --> 00:45:09.000
Kristen Lena: And I was mad because. Of a couple things.

00:45:10.000 --> 00:45:28.000
Kristen Lena: I don't need her friends to see me gyrating on my one of their friend, one of their friends was like, What's Reese's mom doing twerking on a chair on Instagram. So right like, this is what kids want to do. But, boys, I want to tell you something like if you're a boy and you're listening to this, or you have sons, and you're listening to this.

00:45:28.000 --> 00:45:34.000
Kristen Lena: You all need to stop shaming women. And girls, you fucking better stop shaming each other.

00:45:34.000 --> 00:45:42.000
Kristen Lena: This is such an epidemic that. I'm 54 years old, and I still am fucking, dealing with it.

00:45:43.000 --> 00:45:52.000
Kristen Lena: And so my whole point is. The power of women is in our creation. We literally create life.

00:45:52.000 --> 00:45:58.000
Kristen Lena: I could just put a period right there. But see, we've grown up inside of a male paradigm.

00:45:58.000 --> 00:46:29.000
Kristen Lena: That says you're not as good as we are, and that's changing. I see it changing. I feel it changing. But we were still conditioned in there. So it's a lot of deconditioning. It's a lot of like breaking down of like, what are people gonna think of me? Oh, my God, I'm a slut. Do you know how sexual I am? It's fucking nuts, how sexual I am. And I turn myself on. This has nothing to do like, I think, about creating something and putting it out in the world, and I have to go masturbate because I'm so turned on by it. It's so coming through my body.

00:46:29.000 --> 00:46:39.000
Kristen Lena: And my body is so alive, and I'm so connected to it that that's just a part of my self-expression. And because that is a.

00:46:40.000 --> 00:46:49.000
Kristen Lena: Something that you don't know about me. It limits my ability to actually manifest in the world. Because I'm worried about what you're going to find out.

00:46:51.000 --> 00:46:56.000
Kristen Lena: The more women that I can free. To not be worried about their freak.

00:46:57.000 --> 00:47:02.000
Kristen Lena: And when I say they're freak, I mean. What's your jam like? What do you love.

00:47:02.000 --> 00:47:11.000
Kristen Lena: How do you want to experience life coursing through your body? Is it sex? Is it dance? Is it art? Is it. You know like, is it business.

00:47:12.000 --> 00:47:14.000
Kristen Lena: Is it babies? Is it? I don't.

00:47:15.000 --> 00:47:19.000
Kristen Lena: Is it? Dance? I mean, like, what? What is it? Cause.

00:47:19.000 --> 00:47:25.000
Kristen Lena: You can do that. But we have to get through all of this fucked up programming about.

00:47:25.000 --> 00:47:28.000
Kristen Lena: Piety. And purity.

00:47:28.000 --> 00:47:31.000
Kristen Lena: And fucking, being a good. I'm done.

00:47:31.000 --> 00:47:37.000
Kristen Lena: Literally I'm done. I've outgrown it like I'm shedding the skin. And.

00:47:38.000 --> 00:47:45.000
Kristen Lena: The safest place for me to do this is my podcast. It feels like the safest place for me to do it.

00:47:46.000 --> 00:48:01.000
Kristen Lena: I highly doubt any of my daughter's friends. 1st of all, I'm not gyrating. I will share that video somewhere, because I I took it off of Facebook. I took it off of Instagram. And I locked my whole shit up. I fucking, archived it. I was so mad. But I'm actually gonna.

00:48:01.000 --> 00:48:06.000
Kristen Lena: Put content like this over on substack. And.

00:48:07.000 --> 00:48:11.000
Kristen Lena: Is that what it's called. Substar. I think it is, anyway.

00:48:11.000 --> 00:48:17.000
Kristen Lena: I just got. I just got like. Found out about what sub what the fuck sub stack is.

00:48:17.000 --> 00:48:23.000
Kristen Lena: All right, so. So my coming out is, I'm highly sexual.

00:48:23.000 --> 00:48:33.000
Kristen Lena: I desire to have sexual experiences that are not traditional. And I want to experience life coursing through me in those ways.

00:48:33.000 --> 00:48:40.000
Kristen Lena: In those ways, and. It isn't just about sex, because when I'm connected to these centers, I create magic out in the world.

00:48:41.000 --> 00:48:45.000
Kristen Lena: And I want to connect more women to their sacral. Sex.

00:48:46.000 --> 00:48:52.000
Kristen Lena: Center. Because it's their center of creativity. It's also their center. It's also our center of.

00:48:53.000 --> 00:48:57.000
Kristen Lena: Receptivity and magnetism. And I don't mean this.

00:48:57.000 --> 00:49:10.000
Kristen Lena: As like from a sex place. I mean this like. When I feel threatened out in the world. Do you think that I'm going to be receptive to a man coming up to me? No, I'm going to be closed off. I'm going to be guarded.

00:49:10.000 --> 00:49:19.000
Kristen Lena: And I'm not going to be receptive. Well closed off and guarded, that that includes opportunities that includes money that includes impact.

00:49:19.000 --> 00:49:26.000
Kristen Lena: So my sex center. Is the source of my creativity. My creativity is the source.

00:49:26.000 --> 00:49:31.000
Kristen Lena: Of my abundance. And I have had a visceral.

00:49:31.000 --> 00:49:35.000
Kristen Lena: Full body. Experience of this. And I am.

00:49:35.000 --> 00:49:40.000
Kristen Lena: Really excited to actually. Share this with the world, because.

00:49:41.000 --> 00:49:50.000
Kristen Lena: We need to be liberated. Women need to be liberated, and the one way that we are enslaved right now is through sexual body.

00:49:50.000 --> 00:49:54.000
Kristen Lena: Beauty, shame. Put a put, a.

00:49:54.000 --> 00:50:01.000
Kristen Lena: Put an adjective on it, but it's shame. And we're when we're shamed and when we're wrong, and when we're all the things.

00:50:03.000 --> 00:50:05.000
Kristen Lena: What do we do? We hide.

00:50:05.000 --> 00:50:10.000
Kristen Lena: We cover up, we, we shove our secrets in the closet. I'm done.

00:50:10.000 --> 00:50:27.000
Kristen Lena: I'm done so the freak flag is about to start waving. I will lose friends. That is okay. I know that I will lose friends because that my friends will probably not want their kids to be friends with my kids, it's going to be a whole thing. I have a really really good friend, Carrie Skirdla, whose dad was.

00:50:27.000 --> 00:50:39.000
Kristen Lena: You know, in the Marches with Martin Luther King, Jr. And he was a preacher when she was growing up, and she goes. We we took fire for what he was doing out in the world. And I am committed to liberate women.

00:50:39.000 --> 00:50:48.000
Kristen Lena: I am literally fucking out of my mind, committed to changing the landscape of what it looks like for women in the world. Why?

00:50:50.000 --> 00:50:56.000
Kristen Lena: Because we deserve it. And because I have 2 daughters, and I'm not going to leave them a world like I had to grow up in.

00:50:56.000 --> 00:51:00.000
Kristen Lena: So. If you're interested in this.

00:51:00.000 --> 00:51:03.000
Kristen Lena: Movement that I'm creating. I am. I'm.

00:51:03.000 --> 00:51:12.000
Kristen Lena: My next offering is going to be a very, very deep dive, retreat for women to help them. Come out of that kind of toxic.

00:51:13.000 --> 00:51:31.000
Kristen Lena: Overdriven masculine energy and come back into their body. And I'm going to do it over a 7 day. Very deep. Dive, very luxurious retreat. And we're gonna recalibrate nervous system. And we're gonna do some embodied. Movement work, and we're going to get you reconnected to your sex center. Um.

00:51:31.000 --> 00:51:36.000
Kristen Lena: Because. I know, for an unequivocal.

00:51:36.000 --> 00:51:44.000
Kristen Lena: Unequivocally. I know that women turned on women, women who are turned on. Who feel safe enough to be turned on.

00:51:45.000 --> 00:51:53.000
Kristen Lena: Will create magic and miracles in the world. And there you go. There's my freak flag. So for those of you who.

00:51:53.000 --> 00:51:58.000
Kristen Lena: Are Christians, and think I'm going to go to hell. Or you're just Christians, and you just think I'm wrong.

00:51:58.000 --> 00:52:04.000
Kristen Lena: You can. You're free to think that. You really are, because I'm not judging you for thinking that.

00:52:04.000 --> 00:52:16.000
Kristen Lena: My judgment comes from feeling judged, my judgment comes from feeling like. Well, if this is the only way, then anything outside of that is not the way and is wrong. Tell me if I'm wrong.

00:52:17.000 --> 00:52:27.000
Kristen Lena: Tell me if I'm wrong. And we can have a conversation with it about it, because I'm I'm down for that shit I'm open. Thank you for if you've listened this long. Thank you.

00:52:27.000 --> 00:52:37.000
Kristen Lena: Um. I'll probably will have some links. I know that this will be up on Youtube, but I'll probably have some links in here, so that if you wanted to get involved with. Um.

00:52:37.000 --> 00:52:41.000
Kristen Lena: With what I'm creating next. Just contact me. Let me know, because I am.

00:52:42.000 --> 00:52:50.000
Kristen Lena: I'm creating a movement. I'm creating a movement, and it's just to empower women to be fully, wholly.

00:52:50.000 --> 00:53:11.000
Kristen Lena: All of themselves, all right. Oh, I feel like I need a cigarette, but I don't smoke, or I need a nap, or I need a sandwich. I don't know but um! I appreciate you listening. If you've listened this much or listened this for this long, I appreciate it. Um! And thank you. Appreciate it, and I'll talk to you soon.