Parenting Collective
Hey beautiful parents, welcome to the Parenting Collective Podcast! I am your host, Donna Moala and around here we believe it takes a village, so I have brought to you a village of experts who give you all the tools around anything parenting and beyond.
Each episode, I invite brilliant minds in parenting, health, relationships, and beyond to share their knowledge and support you in creating calmer homes, stronger connections and more rested nights. Think of this as your weekly coffee date with people who really get it and who can give you the tools to thrive, not just survive.
I am Certified Secure Sleep and Conscious Parenting Coach, certified with the incredible Dr Shefali Institute, wife & mother of 3 teenage girls. Empowering and supporting families throughout the WORLD with my 1:1 guidance, via in home consults or zoom.
Nurturing & supportive and NEVER Cry It Out. Working with expectant parents through to children 10 years old. I am the founder @parentingcollective.au
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Parenting Collective
First-time Dad: The Side Men Rarely Talk About
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What does it really feel like to become a dad for the first time?
On this episode of The Parenting Collective Podcast, Donna Moala sits down with Zachary Perez, first-time father, screenwriter and author of Becoming Dad, for an honest and deeply relatable conversation about the side of parenthood men don’t always talk about.
Zachary became a dad at 41 and began documenting his journey through pregnancy, birth and the first 50 days of fatherhood, capturing the emotions, uncertainty, anxiety, joy and complete overwhelm of becoming a new dad in real time.
From the moment he discovered he was going to be a father, to supporting his partner through birth, bringing his newborn son home and navigating those first sleepless days, Zachary shares what fatherhood actually looked and felt like from a dad’s perspective.
In this conversation, Donna and Zachary explore:
• The emotional reality of becoming a first-time dad
• The anxiety and uncertainty that can come with pregnancy and impending fatherhood
• What it feels like for dads watching their partner go through labour and birth
• The surreal moment of bringing your newborn baby home
• Why new dads can feel completely unprepared, even when they think they have done their research
• The importance of support, community and connection for fathers
• Why dads need spaces where they can talk honestly about fatherhood
• How Zachary’s experience inspired his book, Becoming Dad
• The raw reality of the first 50 days of life as a new dad
Zachary also shares the story behind his dads’ walking group, an initiative that began with just a few dads and grew into a community of more than 50 fathers and their children.
Because becoming a parent isn’t just a huge transition for mothers. Becoming a dad changes your world too.
This is a conversation about fatherhood without the filter, the beautiful moments, the unexpected emotions, the anxiety, the humour and the things no one quite prepares you for.
If you're a new dad, expecting dad, partner of a new father, or simply interested in the realities of modern fatherhood, this conversation is for you.
Follow Zachary Perez:
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/nonpractisinggenius/
Tiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@nonpractisinggenius
Buy the book, Becoming Dad. An honest companion for new and expecting dads - https://www.penguin.com.au/books/becoming-dad-9781761625107
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Donna Moala
Parenting Collective
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Hello, hello, and welcome back to the Parenting Collective. Now, if you're a newborn parent wondering, is anyone else finding this as hard or as funny? Then today's guest is going to feel like a real mate. I'm joined by Zachary Perez, screenwriter and the honest, hilarious voice behind non-practising genius, where he shared the raw, unfiltered reality of becoming a first-time dad and with a following right around the world. He's also the creator of One's Day Waffle. That beautiful little idea for staying connected with his mates that took off globally and landed him on Today's Show and NBC in New York. And now he's just released his debut book, Becoming Dad, an honest companion for new and expecting dads, where he shares the lead up to the arrival of his beautiful son, and then he documented in real time the first 50 days of becoming a new dad, the ups and downs and all the messy middle. So today we're going deep into his own journey into fatherhood and how he felt around the pregnancy, the birth, and those really raw early months, all from a dad's point of view. So whether you're an expecting dad or a dad for the first time or somewhere in the thick of it, this one's for you. So I hope you enjoyed it as much as we did. And until next week, remember to be kind to yourself. Hi, Zach, and welcome to this week's podcast episode.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, great to be here, Donna. Thanks for having me on.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I'm super excited, just talking about social media world. And I saw you on our amazing Maggie Dent here in Australia, who is the, I don't know what everyone, she's just the guru in parenting, but she is like the grandma of Australia. You know, I've met her and she's just the most beautiful woman, but she's one of the most well-known parenting support country. What she's she's just a guru. And I found you through her because she was talking about you. So we're talking about finding everybody's geniuses out there in the big wide world. And there's so many wonderful things that you've been doing in your life. But the most important thing that I wanted to talk about today was your journey into becoming a father. Talking about that, what you've created in your space. You have created, you know, lots of a really quite a big following and audience in regards to becoming a dad. You're really honest, real, trying to be positive all the time, which is great in this crazy world. But yeah, I'd love for you to sort of introduce yourself and yeah, a little bit about you and becoming a dad, your daddy. Sure. Yeah, all of that sort of stuff.
SPEAKER_01Can do. Well, yeah, I'm Zach. I'm 42. So I became a dad as a 41-year-old. And I guess throughout my earlier years, I probably always expected that becoming a parent would be a part of my journey. When I was a teenager, I was living in the country, and it wasn't uncommon to marry your high school sweetheart and have kids in your early 20s, even though this was back, whatever, 25 years ago. Um yeah, that that's sort of still the way it went. It was certainly the way for the generation older than me, anyway, my parents' generation. So that's kind of as much as I thought about it in those early days. By my mid-20s, I had not sort of fulfilled what I thought was going to be that destiny. And luckily, luckily, so no. Um, because I had so many other years and experiences to have before then. And by the time I was 30, I started thinking, I don't know if it'll happen. By 35, I was thinking, well, it may never happen, and I'm okay with that. I've got lots of other passions and things in my life that bring me joy, so that's fine. And then yeah, it did it did end up happening when I was uh 41, which you know feels like a perfect time in many ways. Yep. As far as the evolution of me and experience and whatever wisdom I'd captured, but on the flip side, I'm sure I would have made it work whatever time it came around, had it at work.
SPEAKER_02Oh, that's great. And that's often is what's happening for men, they can have babies until they die, basically. You know, the evolution of that. For us women, our ticket top clock keeps ticking. So, you know, that's you you can't force finding the someone that you love that you want to have children with and and all of that. So it's great that it's happened. And and like you said, you would have made it work in your 20s, but actually finding that person to have a baby with, you can't force that. So, you know, for sure. Um, it's great. I think, like you said, you've had some really great experiences in your life and you've got lots of things to look forward to. And this is just a beautiful added bonus with a lot of wood.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah, no, that's right. I mean, um I'm glad it happened when it did. Um, knowing what I know now about it, yeah. I'm glad I sort of squeezed everything out of the toothpaste container leading up to that. And totally, yeah, definitely happy, content, and this is the stage. This is the stage I'm I'm ready to embrace.
SPEAKER_02Oh, that's wonderful. That's wonderful. So a little bit about your journey as a father, because we often talk to the mums, hear the mums, you know, post note, all the things because the mums, yes, they typically are the ones growing them and going through the transformation. And the dads aren't often talked about, but the dads are really, really important. And I really wanted to sort of say a good dad, and I know that sounds awful to say that, but you know, all the men I work with and all the fathers I work with are working really hard to do the best they can. So they, you know, whatever that might look like. FIFO dads have to fly in, fly out, working, trying to support mom. So there's so many dynamics in the world that we're in now. But a good dad is so important. And a good dad doesn't mean that they're there all the time. It doesn't have to mean that, but when they're there, they're very involved with their children, they're very engaged, they're able to learn to regulate, which is hard. Us mothers and us fathers and the fathers, particularly with stress of life. So I'd love to really deep dive into your journey in regards to what it looked like for you, how it felt like for you, from like the moment that you found out you were going to have a baby, like when that moment became real, was there, did you have much of a feeling around that, or just it's exciting, or was there something like, oh goodness, now I'm gonna have to provide? And was there any sort of that thought, or was it just like super exciting that you found it you're having a baby?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I I do kind of recall it relatively sort of strongly because I wrote about it at the time. I remember my partner coming into our bedroom, sort of asking me to pull the blinds, and she'd already seen that we had a positive pregnancy test. And I sort of jumped up, did that, and then she sort of asked me to clarify or confirm I was I was saying what she was seeing. And immediately I felt just this flood of like gratitude that it has happened for us, you know. As I said, I'm I'm 41, there's no guarantees that these things happen. There's people very close to me that have had extremely long pregnancy kind of infertility complications and journeys. And you know, I I never knew whether that could be what we were in for. So I was extremely grateful. I was extremely kind of I was filled with joy, happiness, all those sorts of things. But being who I am, and that we found out really around four weeks, extremely kind of early.
SPEAKER_02I think these days you can find out before.
SPEAKER_01Is that right?
SPEAKER_02So early, yeah.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. So the other big part of me is someone who's you know, lived with anxiety in many forms for basically my entire life. And I was certainly wary of not celebrating too soon, and that you know, a lot can happen between week four and say week 12 when you might feel a lot more comfortable that it's probably going to, you know, end up being a full-term pregnancy. I guess the instant gratitude, happiness, and then you know, the anxiety kicked in. And that's something that I wrote about a few times in throughout the pregnancy, just how long it felt for me. And I wasn't even a person carrying a child, but just not feeling like I was able to completely let myself, you know, believe it was happening until I and also maybe she had it.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, did you share the anxiety or did you want to keep it to yourself because you were concerned about your partner being worried? And if you worried as well, would it make you might keep it to yourself a little bit or I didn't share it in you know, in such a formal way?
SPEAKER_01I definitely was sharing it and processing it on paper. Um, and I was also you know bringing it up in ways that were a lot more subtle, I suppose, like oh, you know, each I guess each scan, each milestone really kind of celebrating those um as they came and went. But before each scan, too, like it really coming back strongly, like this feeling of, well, we don't know what's gonna happen here. And if something has gone awry, we're we're about to find out. So getting almost a sudden panic about that. But yeah, I mean, I shouldn't sort of make it sound like the entire time I was scared of the street. Oh no, I don't think you're saying that either, but you know, like it's it was just a it was a thread or a theme that was there in the background of all the gratitude.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01So so that was kind of the experience. Then as we got a little closer to the due date, we ended up having a particular scan that was like, oh, maybe he's not growing so much and maybe he's going to come earlier, which sort of flipped us into, again, a little bit more of a heightened state of awareness, I would say. We've gone, you know, my partner had just commenced her maternity leave. And we're like, oh no, we we thought we had four weeks up our sleeve to tie up all these loose ends, buy all these things we need that, you know, I specifically have been putting off. But then it ended up, you know, extra monitoring, extra things, it all cleared up, and he ended up, you know, being slightly overdue in the end. Um, so yeah, that there was that was sort of the the pregnancy experience. There was sort of a few other things that cropped up that I I really started to, you know, feel like I was becoming a dad, which I guess is the the name of my book. But yeah, there was like there was just our interactions with Facebook marketplace. We're buying lots of things secondhand, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Parents who were a little bit further along than us, you know. If you're buying their bedside sleeper or bassinet thing, yeah, they might have had their baby 12 weeks earlier or whatever, or six months earlier. And just the the real joy they had, and you could tell it was sort of an emotional exchange for them, giving these things up, but they really did it with like such warmth towards us, I guess knowing what we were in for while we while we didn't. So that was one of the things that really stood out and was an incredible, kind of little moment. And then just something I did a month out from the due date was I sent a text message to all my friends that were dads and other dads that I knew, just asking for their one tip, one piece of wisdom or advice. And as those came in, I guess I started to sort of slowly transition to this is what's coming for me. This is a good time to think about how you want to do it and you know your journey thus far and the good bits and maybe the bits you don't want to pass on.
SPEAKER_00I know.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, so that was sort of the other major moment I think that cropped up.
SPEAKER_02And I think some men, and this is not a negative at all, I think men are can be quite good at compartmentalizing. Again, try not to generalize, just married to one with and you know, men that I work with. And that's great. It works really well typically in a you know opposite sex relationship, but men can often just sort of do do it. It's okay, it's fine, love, support, and then until they're in it, they're like, oh, you know, so for you to understand that you've sort of had some worries in your life and to prepare a little bit. And the thing is for me, that was my journey as well as a mum. I hadn't been diagnosed with anxiety or ADD, you know, being older, but I had worries, and those worries were obviously when I was having my first, which is a long time ago, there was only books, no internet. Can you believe that? No Instagram, uh, which is great. I think we all should go back to that. That'd be nice. You can't shove that teeth toothpaste back in the tube, that's for sure. But um, I, for my stress or worries, anxiety, having a little bit of information really helped me, you know, too much information sends me over the edge. But and we live in this world of constant information, so it's like also trying to balance getting it from your community, amazing, trustworthy, or then getting it online somewhere and the scary stuff, you know, it's like that fine line of getting stuff that's going to encourage you and support your concerns and worries, not add to it.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. You know, yeah, no, that's right. There's so much information out there, and you do have to kind of find out how you're going to wade through it all. And yeah, I kind of went back to what I'd always done, which was leaning on the people I know and have known my entire life who, you know, I know I can relate to as closely and comfortably. And then in terms of the expert layer, there's so many of them out there too. But you sort of you find the ones that seem to resonate with you the closest. And that's enough, I think, from there. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Oh, totally. And that's I wish everyone felt that way. And us women, on the other hand, seem to our brains are on fire a lot more.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Whatever that, why that is, we don't know. Hormones, you know, maternal, whatever. But yeah, it's harder for us to not go down those rabbit holes and things like that, but you know, stop at the positive stuff. You know, we don't need to know all the scary stuff too much. So, you know, yeah, thanks for sharing that. That's a beautiful insight. And again, everyone is different. Like this is your view and the way you feel, but uh reflective of what uh man could possibly be feeling with that because it's not talked about a lot unless you've got, like you said, friends that you can. Often men just don't share that. So then let's move on to the birth. Was it uh natural? Was it a Caesar? How did that all go for you? Your view on that.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, it was. It ended up being uh induction, uh natural birth, well, an induced yeah, labor. And yeah, I kind of don't know what exactly to say. I've kind of gone down this road a few times. Have you?
SPEAKER_02Oh, okay.
SPEAKER_01No, I just mean I've given my interpretation from you know, from sitting in the sidecar and that's what I'm asking.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, my partner's probably had her version of events and it's sort of her story to tell. But in terms of yeah, I I've found that to be just an extraordinary like day, an intense day. Um but hard to kind of picture a little bit like I was watching, you know, I was watching a a movie of it happening without necessarily feeling like I was there at all times. Yeah, it was absolutely surreal and in a you know, inner birthing sweet ward type thing that is a very like uninspiring room, to be honest, like quite a quite a blank sort of yeah, dull in of appearance. We did our little bits to put some fairy lights up and put some affirmations on the wall, but it still just felt like I don't know, it just felt like a quite a medical kind of experience for me as a person not going through it. So, yeah, that that's sort of the way that unfolded. It was, you know, we got in there at 6 30 a.m. We had a baby by 11 45 p.m.
SPEAKER_02That's nice and fast.
SPEAKER_01No, no, 11 45 p.m.
SPEAKER_02Oh, p.m. Oh, sorry, that's not too fast. Okay, sorry, sorry, mama, if she was easy. And the thing is, you know, uh, you know, I of course, like you said, your partner would have very different views on everything, of course. But I'm asking of you, I and again, I'm not sure what the birth was like, but I would think for the men sometimes, if they're person that they love before they've met the child, even though they love the child, they understand it's the child, but it's still not their mum's growing it, you know, you can feel it moving and touching you, and I and there's a connection there, I have no doubt. But until that child's out, it's I think must be again a bit hard, not hard, but like a bit surreal, I suppose. But then if you see the person that you love in pain, it's not pretty intense pain, unless I've got uh epidural, that would be very confronting for a lot of men too, I would say.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, no, it definitely is. Yeah, you sort of have some picture of what it might be like based on what you've seen in film and depending which ones you've seen. I mean, it can be relatively unrealistic, I suppose. But yeah, so I guess it's hard to feel prepared for that. And we did do hypnobirthing classes and different things, and you know, honestly, until the first hypno birthing class, I'd never seen a birth of a baby. We watched about five of them, and I I was getting more squeamish as they went on, not less squeamish.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, totally. That's what I think. Yep, yep.
SPEAKER_01Um, so yeah, that was probably the the most real it kind of got is in terms of okay, this is this is the end, this is what the end's going to look like. You get snippets of other people, you know, again saying affirmations and totally remaining quite zen during the experience or you know, managing in whatever way that's possible. But yeah, very, very difficult to at that stage picture your own partner in that situation and how you're going to best look after them and support them during that situation as well.
SPEAKER_02And I think look, to should not overcomplicate it, us women just need to feel loved, loved, and supported. And sometimes it's doing nothing other than that person's in there, you know, like that person that loves you. Is it was mama okay? Was the birth okay? I mean, yeah, she was okay. Oh, that's good.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, um, we did end up, and I actually I've written about this in my book, but we did end up with a situation where she got a temperature um and then that combined with how long it had been since her waters had been broken, led to protocol meaning that our baby had to go to the special care unit for 36 hours. So that was a little kind of complication of sorts, yeah, which meant I went off with him feeling just you know, my mind had been blown, but then being asked questions about are we okay to give him this, are we okay to do that?
SPEAKER_02And I'm like, I don't know what yeah.
SPEAKER_01I mean, I've been in the job five seconds and I'm making decisions about this.
SPEAKER_02And how's how's my partner too? You know, you having to leave the loved dearly, who's just done push this baby out there.
SPEAKER_01I've never kind of missed her more in my life. Yeah, I don't know if that's the right or say, but I've never missed her more in my life than just then. Oh, really?
SPEAKER_02You're in no man's land, you were like, What has happened? And then yeah, you're in love with this baby that you don't even know yet, really. Like you know but don't know. So yeah, that would have been really scary.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, well, yeah, it was just very thrust into it. Yeah, it felt like where you could have a picture of maybe sitting there holding your baby together in a nice, beautiful kind of scene. Yeah, um, but it was really nothing like that, and not for not because of anyone's fault.
SPEAKER_02It's just it was what happened.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and this I haven't seen that movie. That movie. No, no one wants to see that movie, like honestly.
SPEAKER_02No, and this is the thing, we don't need to go down the negative route of anything because there are awful things that happen, and we can't live a life like that. If we live a life like I was saying to you um before we started about trying to be positive and I'm moving through things, and my last week wasn't great, and it wasn't any particular thing, but you can see how if you go down paths, mindset paths. So, for example, if you started to look at complications, why would you do that? Much more fearful going into birth. Like even now, if you had a crystal ball given to you that that was going to happen, I don't think it would have made you feel any better. Like, you know what I mean? Like you don't need to know that stuff, and everything's good and he's fine and and your you know partner's fine. But yeah, it's yeah, absolutely. You can't live a life of of what ifs is what I say. Get out of the what ifs or the future too much. It's like live in the now. Live in the now. Um so and then I suppose a little bit in regards to then bringing him home and those first few weeks, nights, or whatever of like the oh, this is amazing. Oh my gosh, what the hell are we doing? Um and sort of explain expressing a little bit about that as well.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. So the way it worked out, he was born just before midnight one night, and then by 7 a.m. that morning, we really only had one more day in the hospital. So it really didn't feel like we were in there that long for for very long, considering 36 of the hours were going to be spent with him. Really, once he was out of there, he was back with us, and then they were telling us we were okay to take him. And I genuinely walked around to the nurse's station and was like are we like are we actually okay to go now um yeah yeah and walked down got the car and put him into this new car seat that we had which wasn't new i mean it was actually yeah yeah but his it was your new you hadn't used it before yeah he was just screaming as soon as we sort of took off on the road home he was screaming and we got about 500 meters before we pulled into a 7 Eleven and just were like is there something wrong with this seat is something digging into him what is the situation and we pinched his skin in the in the yeah and like you know just feeling like what is going on here like how are we equipped to be yeah how are we allowed to take this child out we don't yeah like no one's really told us anything like liter literally no one has said anything to us and sure they can't either just prepare you for absolutely everything but no one's like saying well on the drive home it might get a little hairy 50% of babies really cry their eyes out because they're like just exposed to something for the first time or whatever it is. It was just like because we we probably would have had someone have said that we'd be like okay we're probably just gonna have to grit our teeth and get home with this crying going on and I know whatever you don't want to go too much you know and and like I I again things have changed so much since you know all about kiddos but you know we were went going we went private which again a lot of people don't do as much these days but you know I got to stay in hospital for like five six days.
SPEAKER_02Yeah this is great because breastfeeding and you know and I think about and I'm again I'll ask the questions but I think the nurses might come to the houses now they're not in the hospital I'm not quite sure which it doesn't matter you just need some people to come and come to your house and show you how to get the boob in there if you're going to breastfeed and like then that's normal. Those cryings happen like you said like having having experts that you trust in your space uh giving you some of the tools um yeah but if you're sort of left with that with then nothing else you're like what yeah no so that's it and that was a fantastic process.
SPEAKER_01So once we got home I guess things settled he'd settled yeah we had a quick moment to think okay like this is life for us now as a trio because we really hadn't had a second to take it all in until then and then yeah I think the next day we did have a maternal and child health nurse come to the house which was just really needed at that stage it was just a welcome visitor and then this person was like so spot on at just you know making us feel like we're doing a good job but then helping point us in the direction of whatever we needed to know. Then they were back again a few days later then we went to see our actual maternal child health nurse at the local sort of site where that happens and yeah that that was a really nice process um yeah that I can't speak more highly of but yeah we we definitely needed those there's also the sort of I don't know the baby version of some sort of nurse on call that we had to ring on about night four I think because there was just like a real cluster feeding episode where we just didn't seem to be able to get in to settle or sleep and you know after hours and hours of him kind of wanting to feed or who knows what was happening. Yeah we had to call that service too which was extremely valuable for us to make that call. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Yeah and it is literally just having the resources in it like explaining to everybody that this is so normal and you don't want to scare people because it is wonderfully like it's the most you know again on reflection I've always wanted to be a mum and I loved it. It was challenging and amazing in all different ages but it's just having the right people that support you not make you feel like crap because I've also met people that haven't had the same experience and the midwives or nurses weren't able to sort of ease that stress.
SPEAKER_01So you know having the right people that you can trust is like imperative isn't it you know like to phone someone to go it's okay this is what you do and you're like okay okay yeah 100% and you know there was so much so many positive interactions but there was a lot of mixed messages too between sort of appointment to appointment or visit you know to visit which did have our heads spinning and did add to the kind of yeah certainly yeah and it's again what we're talking about before is just funneling into what makes you feel comfortable and happy and I say this all the time to everybody and I know everybody knows this but if something if you're following something or some information's making you feel a bit wobbly stop looking go back to what makes you feel okay because you'll know you know we don't know we don't we okay we we are humans we can become parents but we actually don't know we're always looking every day is a new day I say this to my big kids sometimes when they're mean to me I'm like this is my life too and I'm not just a mum and you're the most important things in my world but this every day is new you know so a new baby first time's huge.
SPEAKER_02So thank again thank you for sharing those insights because I think it's beautiful to be honest about that because it is a whirlwind isn't it for sure. So a little bit about your social media and your following which was great to have a look you you try and bring humor into things which I love there was one that I you were I don't know again how far into doing these now but you had a little baby in your career and you were trying to create some dad walks in your local area and the one that popped up was no one turned up right and you were just so positive and you like um it's okay you know and not like this you know toxic positivity like it's fine you were just really honest you're like it's okay we'll try again next time it's such a beautiful day and you know you were walking in the trees with in a park and I'm like that's literally what we've got to come back to the simple stuff you know yeah you're gonna get disappointed let down with all different things in life and parenting but it's like stopping and smelling the roses like you know I loved I loved seeing that for you.
SPEAKER_01Yeah you still doing the walks or trying to yeah yeah so the kind of origin of that dates back a little bit back in October November when I was a very new dad I was fortunate enough to not be working so I could go along to all the parents group meetings. The thing I found there was that no other dads could um and while I was able to create a good bond with all these mums there um and my partner has and still does have a great bond with them I was not really getting new that new dad time with guys who are in a similar situation.
SPEAKER_02And it is different it does feel different for a man.
SPEAKER_01Yeah so I used my social media to put a bit of a call out me and the mate who has two kids we just thought let's try and get a dad's walking group going and the first week you know like history repeating itself but the first week no one came it was just he I and my baby even his kids didn't end up being able to come so um but we just thought that's okay like we treated as a bit of a soft launch and we'll go for a wander you know whatever. Then two weeks later we had another one there was three people which was fantastic. Two weeks later there was five people I think a couple of weeks later there was something like seven or eight and then it was getting around the Christmas sort of period and we just put it on hold to come back in the new year. It didn't end up playing out that way until about a month ago now I thought I I want to get this back up and going I want this you know connection I feel like I kind of need it. My baby's at a bit of a different age now but what I'd learnt from the first time was how valuable it was not just for me but the other people who'd gone so I went and did the same thing put out on social media probably could have promoted it a bit better or given people more lead time. Yeah um but as it turned out no one turned up so me and my boy did what we normally do which is just Yeah I love that beautiful so yeah and I the only reason I actually made a video about the fact no one turned up was because well I've posted in my stories a couple of times that I was doing this and I thought I need to just be honest about the fact no one came. Yeah but I was really at pains to make sure it wasn't a sob story like because it was just anything from it. I just would have done this anyway and I literally had a perfect morning because the weather was nice. It was just a beautiful thing to do.
SPEAKER_02It is it's simply coming this is the thing again you know with all my I support families around sleep and now conscious parenting is a bit big part of it. Conscious parenting is actually being conscious about ourselves. So it's the nervous system stuff. And I say often to my parents go outside hug a tree like go for a walk and and just seeing you do that it's like we get so caught in the house or we just go to the park or we do whatever for even a pram but just like enjoying like you said it was a beautiful day and being in nature you know even if it's just the beach or something like that you know just or the grass like just outside is really nice you know yeah exactly that's sort of what I did.
SPEAKER_01And then next thing I know that video really ended up blowing up really really blew up and in the best possible way like just got so many shares nothing but positive sentiment and encouragement and well wishes and people just urging me not to you know not to give up and you know either saying I'll be there next week mate or I'll send my hubby along and kids whatever it was and yeah it ended up sort of snowballing into the next week which was just the worst possible weather had the worst possible forecast and I was like oh like don't tell me Melbourne's weather's gonna you know ruin this thing that's now building put several ring jackets on. Yeah but anyway it the the rain held off despite it sort of forecasting that it wouldn't and there would have been over 50 dads that came along with kids. Oh that would be goosebumps that's the best it was fantastic and like I found myself in a bit of a role of like well I didn't really know what to say I was like I'm not really a lead I'm not a lead over exactly it was just like I feel like I need to say a few words but really I I hope we're just all able to go for a nice wander and just share and you know meet new people and it'll take care of itself and it it really did.
SPEAKER_02And then the week after um it ended up similarly sort of supported some new faces some returning faces and just felt like you know there's there's really something in this which I I did know totally there is yeah and then like I said not none one a few 50 yeah and and again it's it won't stop now you know like it you just have people talking about that and other men needing to speak about it like it's beautiful.
SPEAKER_01Really really beautiful to be doing that. Exactly and it's just I think one of the great parts about it is it's just a new option for men or for dads rather than I don't know I sort of for most of my life the options were the sporting club or the pub or I don't know but it it it feels like it's just uh quite a welcome and accepted new option. Yeah there's run clubs and gym as well which are both fantastic but this is like a low-key sort of yeah and bringing the kids if they can you know well definitely yeah so the has the sort of flow on effect that depending who or what the situation is I know in my household it's just an opportunity for my partner to get a little rest hopefully a little extra rest or some time to herself that beautiful she isn't getting uh you know while I'm off at work or whatever.
SPEAKER_02That's right. Oh it's beautiful look we could talk all day but I do really want to talk about this amazing book that is going to be released soon has just been released. Yeah no just been released uh August August 11th came out oh gosh so it's very very this month so I'd love for you obviously there's reasons why you've written this book Becoming a dad is what it's called um but yeah tell us a little bit about what made you decide and what's in it you're obviously really good for first time parents but first time dads are probably really but yeah I'd love for you to talk a little bit about the book.
SPEAKER_01Yeah so it's called Becoming Dad and it's about I I sort of committed to writing about the pregnancy and that was just a way of processing. And then before the baby was born I thought I'm gonna write about the first hundred days I don't think anyone's ever done it in real time or not that I could find. So that was the goal I got a week into it and well it might have even only been a handful of days and I was like this is going to kill me if I keep trying to do this. So I wound it back to 50 days. I thought you know that seems more achievable. Yeah although you know only the naivety of a guy who didn't have kids could think he's going to write a book you know during the first 50 days of having kids.
SPEAKER_02Good on you that's you did it I'm sure you did it you know good on you.
SPEAKER_01Well I made it happen and it meant staying up later than I should have been despite already being sleep deprived but the beauty of that is it's just very in real time no sort of just extremely raw quite a roller coaster ride of emotions um but not you know rewriting history with the benefit of hindsight or making myself look better than I was or it's just like so that that was the beauty of it and the reason I think I was compelled to do that was I didn't know what I was in for. So I was learning and discovering all these experiences you know while I guess the reader will be too if they're an expecting dad or a new dad. But also we just had so many parenting books or birth books and pregnancy books and different things and I you know it's not like I read them cover to cover but even thumbing through them even looking at the covers I was like this is this isn't written for me and you know they were quite big intimidating um and I just thought you know what I know about men having been one yes you are one for quite a while yes um was like we need something in our tone of voice we need it you know written by well not necessarily by one of us but you know I think this is my way of being able to make this accessible to dads in a nice digestible kind of book non-scary hopefully reducing concerns but like reducing the anxiety of the expectations but being honest like yeah and definitely not a how-to thing there's so many great experts out there as we know that you know pick an expert and and follow that and buy their book if you want but this is you know more about what you might feel and you know what surprised me and you know some of the arguments we had you know some of the I love that ways I really struggled to adjust like the just the things that you know having thought I'd prepared myself well I would was never able to prepare for I suppose but I'm not even as a yeah and even as a woman you know like you I've been working with families for over 10 years now but all my also my lived experience is that no one can prepare you like no one no book you can have some idea but for what you've created and again like you said there's you couldn't find anything else which probably hasn't I think it's exactly what men need is like that that conversation like a friend like this is actually the reality of it like rather than not talk about it you've been able to share your real experience it's what people need. Yeah I hope so yeah and that's what I'm hearing too from those who've read it lots of people who are you know newish dads similar stage to me or their baby might be kind of just a few months old and it's just nice to know that parts of what I was doing I don't expect anyone to have lived the same 50 days as I did and I might have experienced something on day 40 that they felt on day seven or vice versa. But just nice I think it's fulfilling what I really hoped it would which is that people feel seen and that they feel like they're not the only one and they don't feel like what they're feeling is wrong or you know because well everything I experienced which was a real range of emotions I'd like to think are just all part of what's you know coming for any new dad.
SPEAKER_02It is and it might look different like you said everybody's different every baby's different but again working so many families and children there's all science for us humans and our mental health and all that sort of stuff but then we are actual humans living different experiences, different relationships and but with like you said the thread is always similar and that meaning to be authentic the more authentic and the more stories I share about my own life the more connection I get with people and I had it last week I was asked to do a like a a speech on a 10 year anniversary of a woman in business and I was like okay I was very grateful for it but I had a lot of people come up and say that it was a great speech which was not expected and not why I'm saying it this story but I went into that a bit worried I've been doing this sort of stuff for a long time like do they really want to hear about my life I don't want to make it too much about me. And then having people actually come up after I'm like oh okay I am on the right path because I am authentic and vulnerable to share. That's what people need. Because if we're not we you know we can act like we're experts at everything and everyone might be impressed for whatever reason but they're not going to actually be impacted and be able to change their lives unless you're sharing your experience. And that's you're you're an expert at your experience.
SPEAKER_01For sure. I'll I'll just add one sort of point too that my publisher of all people said but she happened to be pregnant throughout this book writing experience and this publishing experience. So she and her partner were kind of you know living the book or it was kind of a nice it came at the right time for them too but she was just saying how having all the expert books and all the advice and all the great literature that exists she said the thing that she really found with my book was that it's you know something people can read they are stories that you could just pick up and read from start to finish like any other novel. And she said it just really sticks with you. It just has that stickiness factor because of the way it's delivered. So so I'm really proud that that's the way it came together and that's the choice I made with it too. So yeah I'm hoping that's that's the case for more people.
SPEAKER_02I know oh well it will be there's no doubt I'm going to purchase mine as I get off this podcast because I also work with newborns and their parents and their sleep with a few practices here in Perth I love that because the same thing it's not to increase fear or worry or anxiety. It's just a little bit of you're doing amazing try that or this is quite normal. That's the other thing is like when you share your experience and people might be feeling that they think oh I'm not by myself I'm not going crazy or like I haven't got this perfect you know so I'll definitely be sharing I want to get the book to be able to read it to be able to share as well so fantastic. Yeah I appreciate that thank you so much for your time because again we were talking about your poor mama uh had a migraine she was suffering from a migraine there was some drilling going on you know your bugs woke up from the drilling just before we got on um but it we've we've been able to successfully record so thank you for your time Zach it's been a thank you Donna yeah no I really appreciate it thanks for having me on no worries take care bye bye so if you enjoyed this episode be sure to leave me a rating and review. I love reading all of your messages just shoot me a DM over on Instagram. It is parentingcollective.au I also offer a free 15 minute no obligation phone chat. If you'd like to book one head over to my website www.parentingcollective com.au and request one there. So try to remember to be kind to yourself and always know you're doing the best you can every day no matter what your day is looking like. Until next time much love
