Ep. 19 - Listening: Listen, Don't Just Hear - Be an Active Listener!

One of the greatest compliments you can receive is that you are a great listener. This is because in a society where we are constantly distracted with technology and a fast paced life, taking the time to give someone undivided attention can feel like a gift. 

There are so many benefits in cultivating this character quality. It can help create better connections and relationships in your personal and professional life, as well as give you a magnetism where others will be naturally drawn to you. 

However, the greatest benefit is that it gives you the opportunity to grow and learn from someone else. When you do less of the talking, and actually listen to what others have to say, you are filling yourself up with knowledge and insight you couldn’t get anywhere else. 

This is why we have picked this topic to discuss on today’s episode. We want you to learn the importance of active listening, and give you tips and tools you can start using today to strengthen your listening skills.

Topics discussed in this episode:

• Importance of listening in communication
• Who is that one person in your life that listens to you with undivided attention?
• Which pillars does listening fall under?
• The difference between listening and hearing
• Importance of leaders being good listeners
• Four ways on how to become a good listener
• Benefits of being a good listener

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Transcript

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Welcome back everyone. We have a great episode for you today on listening. The importance of listening, the difference between listening and hearing why it's important to be great listener and how to become an active listener. Here we go. Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back, everyone. Great to have you back here at true U character building again, character building as finest. We are here to help you build your true self. There is no right or wrong. We want to help you build the best version of you by covering all character qualities, diving deep into them. Hey, let's go. Couple updates real quick. First. Interviews just did the Patrick Haney interview released at last week. Hopefully you listen to that. We got more coming up. Oh my God. I got three interviews on tap this week. Plus I am getting interviewed. Uh, we have more interviews next week. I have interviews coming up, uh, over next couple weeks. So be really excited. Stay tuned. Keep up with us. Subscribe to us. Please write a review. If you can. Um, check out our website, www dot Tru you character, building.com. Everything is moving in a positive direction right now. It's very exciting times and yeah, there's gonna be more motivational speaking opportunities. Hopefully you also saw my dream 100 interview. it was a great interview and I know I posted it on social media as well. Again, if you're not following us on social media, please do we are on Instagram. We are on Facebook. We are on Twitter. It's all great, great stuff. So without further ado, I'd like to get right into it. So let's go with today's topic of listen. so first off, why did I pick listening for today? Well, last week, as you know, I really see a podcast episode with Patrick Harney on communication. And by the way, great episode, I really enjoyed talking to Patrick. So when I was looking over the list, I was like, okay, what should we cover this week? What should we cover this week? Listening just made sense. It was a great follow up to communication because listening is one of the most important things that we can do when we talk about communi. are you listening? Are you being heard? And we're gonna talk about the difference between listening and hearing in a second. But the thing is, is that people want to be heard right with your friends, with your spouses, with your workers, with your boss, any situation, and again, This whole podcast is to help you build your character qualities for your relationships, for your career, for just to better your life. And so when we talk about communication, one of the most important things is listening. People want to know that what they're saying matters and that the person that they're talking to is taking it in. Think about anyone that you. Love to talk to. So that's what I want you to do again, I love to be engaging with you guys. Think about the person in this world that you most love to talk to, and I'll even go a step further that you most like to dive deep with, that you most like to talk to when you are going through bed times when you need somebody with a listening ear, because when you go to this person, You know that he or she will absolutely listen to everything that you say and that they will take in what you are saying. And they will be very thoughtful and very intentional with making sure that they understand and hear what you are saying. We all have those people. We all have those people in our life that we go to that we know that when we go to this. They will give us their undivided attention. They will listen to us and they will be the best person that we can talk to. Cuz we know that they will listen to every word that we say for me. I can tell you right now that that person is my wife. I know that when I go to my wife, she will listen to everything that I. She will sit down with me and she's wonderful about this. She will carve out time and she'll say, okay, let's sit down. Let's talk about this. And if she's not in the right frame of mind to have the discussion that she knows, I probably need for the topic that I wanna bring up. Then she'll say not right now. Let's talk about later. And that is wonderful. We do that. We separate time for, as you know, we have two kids and our house is. So for example, we do a lot of our talking after they go to bed at night, 8 30, 9 o'clock at night. If we have stuff, talk about that's when we do it and same with her, if she has something to talk about with me, I always tell her I'm like, let's do it later. Let's do it when the kids are in bed. So I can give you my undivided attention. I'm sure we all have those people. You may have a mom, a dad, a friend, I hear that all the time, especially from my student. I have a friend that I know that if I go out and get coffee with him or her, that they will listen to every word I say. And that is so important. Listening is at the heart, or it's really the foundation of communication, because in order for you to communicate with somebody, you have to listen to what they. So when we talk about listen, and again, I, I said to you a couple episodes go, everything goes back to three pillars of character and a triangle of view. And in this case, when we talk about listing, I really, I thought a lot about this. When I was putting this episode together, it really falls under two of the pillars growth mindset, for sure. Because listening to someone. is when you grow as a person, when you listen, is when you learn and grow. That's when we can learn so much by listening and people that don't listen as much. We're gonna talk about this a little bit later in the episode, people that don't listen as much and wanna talk more. They're not the ones that grow, so it absolutely falls under growth. But the more I thought about, and the more I was working out this episode and running it all out, I said to myself, you know what? It also falls under integrity. It really does because when you are in a conversation with somebody and when you are listening to what they're saying, the way that you are going about listening to them shows how much. Do you have towards them, it shows your integrity. It absolutely does. Remember integrity is doing the right thing. And so when you listen to someone, your bilanguage if you make eye contact, if you repeat what they say back to them and help work through them, what they're experiencing time, what they're feeling. The different negative thoughts or whatever it may be that are going through a time. You are showing them respect. You are showing. I care about you. I care about what you're saying to me. You have taken time on your left to come talk to me and I want to be there for you. That's integrity. That's doing the right thing. So this is an example of a quality of a character quality that absolutely falls under. and so that's why it is so important to be a great listener. So let's dive into this a little bit more. Are you listening or are you hearing you hear those words a lot listening and hearing. What is a difference? Do you hear someone or are you listening big difference? Big, big difference. Let's break it down, right? I intentionally use the word listening for this podcast. Why? Because hearing and listening are not the same. Unlike just hearing listening requires us to interpret and understand what the person is saying. We need to know, not just what words they are. But what they mean by the words. In other words, we are to be intentional with our listening capabilities. it's an intentional activity. When you are listening, you are actively trying to hear someone in contrast hearing is something that happens. Without any intentional effort, examples, Of each, when me and my wife sit down at night and we talk and we are looking at each other and we are hearing each other and I may have my hand on our shoulder or whatever may be to help her know that I am here. I am present while she is talking. And when I. actively hearing her words and really being intentional about hearing the words that is listening when I am just going about the house. And I, all of a sudden hear my kids, like something happens in their playroom, like Jade says this, or all of a sudden she screams at I'm hearing. Okay. It's not an intent. It, it happens without any intentional effort. I just was in the kitchen. I hear something, blah, blah, blah. And I respond to it that it's not the same. It's not the same listing is an intentional effort. So it's very important to understand that when you are in communication with somebody, you are listening, you are not hearing, hearing. Can be distracted hearing can be, oh, I heard some words, but not other words. It's very different. So why is listing important first off, not only does listing enhance your ability to understand better and make you a better communicator. It also makes the experience of speaking to you more enjoyable to other. Let's unpack that a little bit. So first off you learn and grow. When you listen, you learn from the other person you grow as a human being. It is important in your relationships. As I say, with my spouse, I I'm giving you that example. Me and my wife, one of the reasons that we work so well together and that we knew that we were met for another, is that we listen to each other very, very well. We communicate openly about everything and I really gotta thank my wife and I really gotta give compliments to her cuz she is an amazing communicator. She and me and her have this philosophy that if anything, we overly communi. And that means in turn that the other person needs to overly listen. And I will tell you we're not perfect. There are times when she's distracted or I'm distracted, but in a relationship, it is very important to show that you are listening because that is important for our relationship to stay strong and that we stay together is important for your work or for your career. If you are meeting with your boss and he, or she calls you into a meeting, you need to be a good listener. You need to listen to what he or she is saying. And you better be taking for example, notes and showing through your body language that you truly care what they are saying. Leaders are great listeners. I'm gonna say that again, leaders are great listeners, and this is something you get lost a lot of times when you think about leaders, oh, that leader is such a great speaker. And that leader says so amazing things. What doesn't get said lot of times is that leaders are great listeners. We're gonna do a whole podcast episode on leadership. We really are. But one of the things, one of the main things I'm gonna talk about with leader. is that every great leader out there is a great listener. He or she listens to the people that they lead. They listen to their workers, they listen to their team. They take in what they say, and they make sure that the people on their team feel valued and know that yes, what you are saying to me, it matters. Think about anybody that you have ever had in a leadership position, if they, for whatever reason, in a certain situation, when you approached them and you tried to communicate with them or tried to speak to them and he, or she did not really take in what you say or did not really respond in a good way, you probably walked away being like, wow, that, that kind of. I, you may have lost a little respect for him or her and that's, and that's very normal. That happens every day because when you're a leader, you need to listen to the people that you're leading. And that's why it's so hard to be a good leader a lot of times as a leader, we have a lot of people that work underneath. Workers team players, whatever it may be. And so to be a good leader, you have to be learned to be a great listener. So what are some re some of the reasons why we do not listen properly? Well, first off, a lot of times we're wrapped up in our own thoughts. We don't compartmentalize and that's something really important for us to learn to do is that when we are in that. That we are communicating with a person that is sitting there with us. We need to focus on that person and we need to compartmentalize and push off to the side. The stuff that is in our own thoughts, because that can wait right now. I am here with this person. They deserve my undivided attention, which is the second point we're being distracted. Okay. I could easily go into social media phones technology. you know how it is. You're talking to somebody all of a sudden their phone buzzes. Oh, they got texts. Is that text really more important than your conversation with them? I know it's happened to you. It's absolutely happened to me. I've been out with people, friends, et cetera, et cetera, where I'm talking to them. And then all of a sudden their phone goes off. Boom. That's more important. Or they're looking around and they just do not seem to be interested in what I'm saying at all. It happens all the time. I experience it all the time. Whereas I'm like, is this person even taking in what I'm saying? Cuz they're just looking around. They're very distracted. Third point. This is a big one. We're gonna talk about this for a. We are just waiting for our turn to talk. let me ask you that question. When you are in a conversation with somebody, are you ever self aware enough to realize are you listening or are you listening for your turn to talk? There's a difference. There's a big difference. There. Are you listening to the prison? Are you listening to see when they stop? So so they, you know, now it's my turn to talk. It's one of the things we all do, we all do it. We all like, okay, this person's talking, but I just can't wait for them to stop because I already know what I'm gonna say and whatever else they say right now, doesn't matter. Cuz I wanna talk, I already have formulated what I wanna talk about and I'm gonna say it out and that's, that's so hard and God knows I've been there too. And I've really been working on this. I really have. especially again, I always go back to the situation with my wife, cuz again, me and her are in such great communication with one another, We need to be conscious of this. Are you listening to what the other person is saying? Are you listening for your turn to talk? It's a big, big question. It's awful because if you're waiting for your turn to talk, you're not listening. You're not, you cannot convince anyone that. Are listening to them because you're just waiting for your turn. You're not intentionally taking in what they are saying. Listen to them fully, let them finish and then pause, like give a good ten second, 22nd. Pause. Really be C. and intentional with doing this. Why? Because that long pause will make you take in what they said, and it will make it so that you are not just looking for your turn to talk now that, but respond first and repeat or address what they just said. I have really tried to work on this with my wife. She'll talk all thoughts in my. And I know, like I need listen to her. So I listener her, I listen to, I listener, I then pause and I really try to digest everything that she said. And then I, when I respond first, I respond by making sure to acknowledge what she said. I'll say, yes, sweetie. You're right. When this happens, I understand you feel this way by saying those words or something like that. I've acknowledged. What she said, and I've acknowledged how she's felt. That is so important before I get into my rationale, my reasoning, why I did what I did, cetera, cetera. No, I have acknowledged what she said and I've acknowledged her feelings and that is huge. And that's something that me and her have absolutely worked. So I challenge you to be conscious and work on this. And that's, that's what this is all about. That's what these podcasts are all about is knowing where your weaknesses are and working every day to get better, cuz nobody's ever gonna be perfect. I'm not perfect. I'm far from it. I'm still working on this every day. Every time me and my wife have a communication situation where something like this happens, I try to work on this. I need to be very self C. Pause acknowledge what she's saying. Acknowledge her feelings then respond. It's not about what I wanna say. Listen to her in our world today with technology, social media, phones, emails, et cetera, et cetera, all that technology stuff listening is at an all time. Low studies have shown that most of us are poor or int. Listeners these days have shown that when you talk to somebody for 10 minutes, like a boss, a coworker, et cetera, et cetera, you lose attention for about half of the time. On average. That's a lot. That's a lot. That's how we have gone as a society. Now that's not every. Some people and you know this, if you think about going back to the beginning of the episode, there are people that you know of that are great listeners. And there are people that you know of. They're probably pretty bad listeners. I can right now in my head, I can think of some people in my life that man, when I talk these people absolutely listen. And they're great listeners, but there are people in my life. I will tell you right now that I don't really open up to that. Because I know I'm gonna be honest with you that I think that they're pretty terrible listeners, you know? And I don't know if they're self-aware enough to realize it, but yeah, like I feel like when I say something they're distracted they're they don't really care. They don't show much interest. I feel like they're just waiting for their turn to talk Absolut. Yeah, those people are in my head right now. I absolutely know those people. And I'm sure if you take a second right now, even pause this episode, you'll see that you have those people too. So here's what I challenge us all to become. I challenge us all to become an active listener, an active listener. What does that even mean? Tell you a quick story in my class when I'm teaching one of the first days of every. I always say, all right, students, I want you to become an active learner. And my students always look at me with this weird look. They're like, okay, well, I'm a learner. What do you mean by active learner? Like you want me to run around circles, Java? You know, I always wonder what's going on in their head. but anyway, here's what it means. Be an active learner. I explain them. I say, when you're learning, I want you to be active. I want you to. For example, if you are studying for tests, you better be writing down notes, you better be highlighting, underlining, circling, you better be doing something while you're learning. I always tell'em that they're, if they're just sitting there staring at a Google slide or PowerPoint or whatever, and they're just going over it and they're just looking at like this and they're just singing their chair or whatever, that's not an active. you're not learning the best way you can. The exact same thing applies to being a listener, all great listeners. And here's the thing. All great leaders for all of you people in a leadership position, please listen. All great leaders, listeners, et cetera are great. Active listeners, active listening is fully concentrating. And what is being said, digesting it without prejudgment, rather than hearing the general message. It is being in the moment and intentionally taking in what they are saying. This is big. This is, this is what separates a great listener from a not great listener. So you may be asking, okay. So what are ways to go about. Active learner, how can I become an active learner, couple things you could do first off eliminate distractions. When you know, you want to have a real important communication talk, whatever it may be, what the person you're gonna have with. For example, I just said at the beginning of the episode, me and my wife, when we have something important to talk about, what do we do? We wait until the kids go to bed. 8 39 o'clock at night. No distractions. I can focus on her. She can focus on me. Great way to be an active learner. Two show that you are engaged. Have good goodbye language. Look at them in their eyes and make sure you are not having your attention anywhere else. Absolutely. It's all about bilanguage. Am I leaning into the person? For example, if I'm at a coffee shop, am I leaning over the table? Am I having eye contact? My bilanguage speaks volumes about whether I am listening to this person across from me or not three, do not interrupt them. That is one and I'm laughing because me and my wife, we have problems with us. Well, I will tell you right now and very open about it. Um, I will tell you right now that I get very frustrated at her. I think that honestly, maybe she. If you wanna say she needs to work on this a little bit more than I do. I definitely do it. I will fully admit it, but she knows that it's a very sore subject with me. for lack of a better term, because I feel like sometimes I cannot get out even a sentence or what I'm saying. You need to let them finish talking. You need to take in what they are saying. And again, like I said earlier in the podcast, even wait. This is a great way to be an active listener. Fourth thing I'll even tell you this, write down just like I would tell my students when they're active learners to write things down and be active that way, write down what they're saying or what points they're making. And this could even give you an opportunity for you to write down your thoughts so that you do not interrupt. so think about, we've all been in a situation where the person's talking and as they're talking, you're like, oh my God. Point, point, point, point, point in my head, all of a sudden you have like three points in your head and you're worried you're gonna lose those points before he, or she is done talking, right. If you are writing down what they're saying, first of all, you are sending a message saying, Hey, I care about what you're saying and you are intentionally running it down. So you show them I care. But secondly, this gives you an opportunity to write down your thoughts so that a, you don't lose them B you don't interrupt them so that you have'em down right there. And you say to yourself, okay, when they are done talking, I'm gonna wait. I'm gonna be patient. I'm gonna give it a, a pause and I can come back with my turn. After they're done, even after I acknowledge what they have said and validate what they have said. Listening is more important than talking. When you become a great listener, more people will want to talk to you. People will be attracted to. One of the biggest compliments you can ever get is that you are a great listener. This will make your relationships in life more rewarding, more meaningful. Plus you are opening up this huge gate to learn more when you need to talk to communicate and carry conversation. You will be better at this because you have listened. Learning happens when you listen. So when you listen, you can communicate better. You can carry better conversation. Everything gets better when you become a better listener. If you are good listener, when you do speak, you command attention, you have their. Because you listen to them and they know it, they saw it. They visually saw it in the way you were with your bilanguage, how you looked at them, how you took in what they say and how you responded in conclusion. Be an active listener, be intentional with your listen. Work on it. We are all a work in progress. If you work on it, people will want to talk to you and they will respect you more. Here we go. Thank you very much. Thank you very much for listening to this great episode on listening. For our Tru U podcast as always, please subscribe, write a review, go to our website, www.truucharacterbilling.com. Follow us on social media. And if you ever want me to come out and do a presentation or workshop, I'll be more than happy to do so as always we're crushing it. And so are you.