Welcome to this Gain the Lead podcast on the fundamental leadership tools. And in this podcast, we're going to deal with a topic that everyone is encountered with resistance. We all don't like it, however, it's just typically a part of any leader's life. And mastering how to deal with it smoothly can make life so much easier in the workplace and also at home. Now, maybe you can relate to this story before we even get started. You're in a meeting and you get some resistance. It could be a team member, it could be your boss, it could be someone from another team. And this resistance leads you to give a really good answer. Yeah , you act, you answer, you work well with it, you work through the resistance. Maybe you get some more back, however that meeting ends. And then about 10, maybe 20 minutes later, you think, oh, why didn't I say that? Or you think, oh, why did I say it that way? Or I could have just done this. It would've been so much easier. Why that happens and why that's a very important part of resistance. Uh, we will get to throughout this podcast. However, the steps we're going to follow before we get there is we're going to look at what is resistance, what do we mean by resistance? We'll take a look at the top mistakes typically made, look at the neuroscience behind why. That's just biologically normal to do. Obviously then decide how we can change and adapt that and look into solutions of what we can do to smoothen out resistance. Turn these challenging conversations positive as quickly as possible, and at the end of the day, come to a good result with the people. I personally love resistance. The story of me becoming a , a lover of resistance was back in about 2006, 2007 when a big company in Germany decided they want to encrypt all of the television. And they knew that that's going to be rather challenging thing to do. So instead of sending their sales reps out to all of the electronic stores in Germany to explain that, well now the electronic store people are going to have to tell everybody that they have to pay for normal television, including all of the adverts. They decided to get communication trainers to do this. And our task was basically go in, talk to the salespeople, talk to the managing directors, tell them that very soon all of the TV will be encrypted and that lots of people are going to come to them and be not very happy about having to pay for encrypted TV for them. That, of course sounded like a lot of work. So these situations were about 10 minutes of explaining the concept and then 45 minutes of full on resistance. And that's where I love to enjoy resistance. We did this for months and months on end, and at the end of it I was so calm and comfortable with all kinds of resistance and it actually became rather fun to think, okay, let's see how long it will take for you and me to get to a solution oriented space where we can start looking at the actual business benefits for you and your store in this 'cause . There really were some there. Obviously that never happened at the end of the day, and this , uh, company was then not allowed to encrypt the television, so it went away. However, it was a great lesson on how to deal with resistance. So what is resistance? Well, what we mean with it is you may be talking to an employee and you'd like them to take a task and they don't want to do it. So they bring up resistance or you're in a meeting, you make a suggestion and someone from another team explains quickly why that won't work. Or you're discussing with your boss, you have a great idea and they tell you there's no time or no budget for it. And all of these situations can be intense and they can of course look to us like this is difficult and it's something in the way of us achieving our goals. And of course, we want to achieve our goals so it can also feel personal. So what are the key mistakes that people make in resistance situations? Well , number one is getting to answers quickly. Now , of course, we want to resolve the resistance. We want to solve the situation. So does the resistor typically. Um , so we hear resistance. Maybe an employee says to us, oh, I don't have time to do that. And maybe our initial impulse is somewhere along the lines of, ah , but it's very important because the management wants this. It needs doing. I don't have time for this right now. Please just get it done. And that usually leads to the other person being more resistant. Let's think from the other perspective. That other person who says, I don't have time for this. Are they just trying to get rid of this task? 'cause they don't like it? It's a possibility. There's also a high likelihood that this person who thinks they have no time is actually thinking about all of the things that they need to do, wanting to actually do them. Well. Now this extra task on top of it is a bit of a danger to them achieving the quality or the deadlines that they know they already have on their table. So their first impulse is to say, I don't have any time. The second mistake is to try and use killer arguments, like really strong arguments that will obviously convince the other person really, really quickly. They're completely obvious to you. And once we say them, all it does is make the other person typically more resistant. Now, why does this actually happen ? Well, I've already talked about resistance can be experienced as a danger, a danger to achieving our goals. And if we take a look at this from the perspective of neuroscience and how our unconscious mind works, and one of the core functions of our unconscious mind is to protect us from danger. Um, that's historically obviously grown throughout the stone age and millions of years before that. The part of our brain that controls protecting us from danger is something we have similar with nearly all animals, in fact. And as soon as it notices a danger, it starts using programs that are called fight and flight programs to try and get away from that danger. Now, obviously in business, an objection is not a threat to our life. However, our unconscious mind perceives it as such. Do we notice we're having a fight and flight reaction? No, but I've already started this , uh, podcast with a question about have you ever had the situation where you're in a tough meeting and then 10 minutes later you have a great idea of what you could have said That is a sign of a strong fight and flight reaction. Why is it that? Well, in fight and flight , the body and the brain does lots of things to protect us. And one of the things that in a very difficult, dangerous situation, like for example, there's a tiger sat next to us wanting to eat us, would be thinking, yeah, we need to get outta that situation very quickly. So slow, logical, reflective thinking would be rather dangerous in that situation. So as soon as our brain registers a danger, it sets off a small fight and flight reaction and starts switching off the part of our brain that actually has reflective, logical, cognitive structured thinking in the heat of the moments. We have plenty of quick answers there, you know, we're smart, we can get through the situation, and then 10 minutes later, 20 minutes later, we think, ah , I could have said it this way. That's because it takes 10 to 20 minutes for this fight and flight reaction to wear off blood flow comes back to the frontal lobes of the brain, and then we have our reflective creative structured thinking back, and that's why 10 to 20 minute later we have these great ideas that just were not there in the meeting in the heat of the moment when the pressure was on. So it's very human and very natural to do that. However, as soon as we push back, we push back with a strong quick answer, a dominant answer that has the target to convince quickly. Um, all it does is put the other person in a fight and flight mode too . And then you basically have two people with switched off brains discussing a topic with each other without their structured reflective cognitive thinking. And that makes this situation extremely difficult. Which leads us to the concept that skilled leaders know about this. They know that when someone is bringing up resistance, their brain is already switched off. They also know that their own brain has a tendency to switch off basically in those kind of situations and utilize the knowledge of that to build a better strategy, to be much more effective. And turn this conversation positive. Basically, the first step is make sure my brain stays on, switch the other person's brain back on, and then we can discuss solutions in a much more creative way, in a much more positive and solution-oriented atmosphere. So let's talk through how we can do that. Now, let's imagine we hear a resistance. We're in a meeting, we make a suggestion. Somebody else says, that's definitely not gonna work . Your idea isn't thought through, right ? Especially in front of other people that can have a fight and flight reaction with us. So step number one is just breathe. Make a pause two or three seconds. Think about your response in these two or three seconds. There are other things that can happen. Maybe the other person keeps talking and they start explaining why it won't work, what impact that will have on them, or that that would mean a lot of replanning or restructuring for them. It would make their life more difficult and you can understand where they're coming from and their perspective. That's one possibility. Another possibility is that the other person makes a retreat and they start by saying, oh, that idea idea won't work. You know, it's, it's not well thought through. You just pause for two or three seconds and they say, Hmm , maybe we could do it this way though. And just by doing nothing, the resistance, the objection has gone away. Uh , I'm obviously not saying that that happens every time. It is however, something that can happen. Maybe you've done that yourself. The third option, potentially the most common is that , uh, nothing happens in those two to three seconds. You win time to think, gain control of your thoughts and start working on how to gain control of this situation and influence the tone here. Step number two is then switch the brains back on, especially the other persons . Now, the techniques we're going to talk about here are often known or some of them at least often known as deescalation techniques. So let's say someone says that idea's not very good. We've tried it five times before, it didn't work in the past, and I don't want to do it again. One of the strategies we can use there is to just summarize what they've said . It's kind of the default strategy. The other ones tend to be a little bit more creative. This is kind of a default strategy that we can always do. Um, all we need to do is just summarize what they've said and say, okay, you thought about my idea. You are seeing some difficulties there from your experience and especially the situations where this didn't work in the past, and , uh, you are concerned that it won't work again. You obviously don't want to waste time. The other person will say, yes, you understand me, right ? And that switches the other person's brain back on a bit, maybe a lot depending on how well you word it. So summarizing exactly what they say, that shows that we're taking them seriously as a human being with their , uh, with all of their skill, with all of their experience and their thoughts. And that deescalates the situation. Other versions summarize the emotion you are hearing in the same situation. I could also summarize the emotion. I could say, okay, if I understand you correctly, you're a bit frustrated that I've suggested an idea that , uh, you know, won't work or have tried and invested time in before, and , uh, it feels like it would waste your time. So we can summarize what people are thinking, not just what they're saying. The more emotion we can hear in the voice, the more impactful this strategy is. Now, if you're like many people actually seeing what emotion someone's really having maybe is rather challenging , um, in that case, you can also change the way you approach summarizing the emotion. You can just say, okay, it , it sounds like you know you're really not happy. It sounds like you're frustrated , um, with this , um, you know, could you , could you explain please to get them to tell you about the emotion or what's really behind that? Uh , which also shows you are interested in them. You are taking them seriously rather than pushing back. You're willing to work with them. And here as a leader, you are leading the situation to a more positive outcome with a better cooperation level. Other options we have, we can value the person , um, for the sake of the argument. Let's use the same objection. Someone says, that doesn't work. We've tried it before, it didn't work. Then I can value them in this situation by saying something like, okay, I am , I'm really glad that you are here in this meeting , um, because your experience of what didn't work would really, really help you. I'd love to understand that. Now , let's put the idea by side for just a moment and, you know , could you explain what happened in the past? Again, you know, you are valuing them, you're showing interest in them. Um, you're not pushing back. You are making a suggestion to collaborate, cooperates and let them influence the situation that works wonderfully to deescalate and bring you closer as people. My personal favorite is summarizing people's attention , intentions, not attentions , summarizing people's intentions and with intentions, what I mean is what they actually really want positively. Let's take the , uh, objection. I don't have time to do that task. Now we could interpret there that what the person wants is just get rid of a task they don't like. Maybe that's true, right? That that could be the case. That, however, is rather a negative interpretation of their intentions. So what I would recommend is look at what's the positive behind that. What's the potential positive intention that they have? Sometimes we need to think a bit around the corner to come up with a positive intention here. So if someone's saying, I don't have time to do that, there's a good chance they have a lot of things on their desk already. Um, and they want to complete those things. They want to achieve their task in the deadline or at a quality that's important to them. And now the extra task on top , um, looks like a danger to that. And if I can verbalize that along the lines of, okay, if I understand you correctly, it sounds like you've got a lot on your desk and you want to make sure you're doing that well. And, and you know, this task looks like , uh, a danger to that. And they will probably say yes. If they say no, that's fine, right ? Summarizing emotions, summarizing intentions, summarizing what someone has said. Um, if we summarize it and it's incorrect, that's great. Um, it means we've shown that we want to understand them , we've understood them incorrectly. All we need to do is then ask a question. Okay, if I've got it incorrectly, could you explain so that I can understand? And you know, again, you are moving towards them, deescalating the situation, switching their brain back on, and also giving you plenty of time to think. And once they've talked, just summarize again until they say, yes, you got me now. We're now on the same page. And in those situations, you very often feel it in the conversation that it just becomes more positive, it becomes more easy to do. So summarizing the intention, if we get it right, great, if we get it wrong, ask for the intention. You know, what are you really worried about? What do you want to achieve here ? Let's find a way together. Finally, you can use iMessages. Well , sharing your intention, if we say to someone, okay, it looks like you want to complete your tasks effectively and you're worried if you add this to it, you know it might compromise your deadlines. They say , yes, yes, yes. We say , well , look, I want exactly the same. Uh , we're on the same page here and the last thing I want is to endanger any of your quality or deadlines. Now I've got this extra task here. Can we brainstorm a bit and see when and how it could fit in? Or maybe what we could reprioritize so that you know, you can do what you want and also this task gets done and open them up to a nice fresh discussion about it. So, so far we have two steps. We just be quiet, silent, two or three seconds, see what happens when time to think, then go for the step , switch the brain back on , um, make sure we notice the differences there in the tone of voice that they come down. We start working more together, it becomes less resistant, and then we can start doing what we all really want to do. And that is find some solutions together. Now , finding solutions can have three or four different possibilities. Typically, we'd start off by asking questions to understand, which is kind of counterintuitive. Uh , intuitive in this situation. Mostly is explain and try and convince. Taking a step back, asking for details to understand the other person summarizing that. Again, then we can maybe suggest solutions from our side or even more powerful. Ask for solutions from their side. Um , and in many cases, there's information missing. You know, things that they don't know yet. So you might need to share information and ask them how they see it Now, to be able to discuss the real solutions. And this step of asking for solutions, asking to understand, making your solutions suggestions. This works considerably more powerful when the other person notices. You're not trying to beat them, you're not trying to push them because you've switched their brain back on. You've made a human connection. And that makes both parties much more willing to resolve this resistance and come to a solution. In addition to that, if you do this in front of a group and one person is being very resistant and you are being valuing, moving towards them, controlling the discussion, it will make you look , uh, a very powerful communicator and gain considerable amounts of respect. Now, in the ideal world, all we need to do is go through these steps. Once, yeah , we're silent. We use one or two of those strategies to switch the brain back on. And then we, we find a solution together. Uh, reality is often different, especially if you and the resistor have some history , uh, that's maybe less positive. And in those situations, we might need to go around this resistance two or three times until we really find out what's going on. Or if it's, let's say a big change, you're communicating and you have a ty , a very, you know, resistant employee, then just going through this once will usually not be enough. Yeah, they bring out the first resistance and then comes the second and the third and the fourth. And then we just silence every time, go through the steps, use a different strategy to switch the brain back on. And after five, 10 minutes , um, the brain switch back on and all of a sudden the conversation becomes more positive. That's my personal challenge. Whenever someone is resistant to think, okay, how long do I need till you and me get back to a solution oriented state ? It's never taken much longer than five minutes in typical situations. And even that is a rarity. So I hope you learn to enjoy dealing with resistance. Enjoy utilizing these techniques. If you'd like to practice them or exercise them, please reach out to us. Um , we love doing this and , uh, hope to inspire that. And I strongly believe that the more people love resistance and enjoy dealing with it, the more positive workplaces become. And, and yes, you can use this at home as well. So thank you for listening to the end of the Gain the Lead podcast on the fundamental tools of leadership. This one being dealing with resistance.