Modern Grand Parenting, Boundaries and In-Law Dynamics

Are you a grandparent?  If so, listen to this episode.

 Boundaries, burnout, and big feelings—grand parenting can be a joy and a minefield at the same time. We invited Dee Dee Moore, founder of More Than Grand, to help us navigate the messy middle: when “free” childcare starts costing a family its energy, when in-law dynamics get prickly, and when love needs the guardrails of a clear agreement to thrive.

We start with a listener story about an eager grandmother who slid from helping to shouldering everything—until resentment and health issues made the arrangement unsustainable. Dee Dee helps the listener with her question and adds lots of tips when you are deciding to help with childcare. 

Then we turn to feeling shut out by a daughter-in-law. Dee Dee reframes the “gatekeeper” idea and urges us to build a direct relationship with her as a person, not just our child’s spouse. We share examples of compliments that actually land, small trust-building gestures, and how counseling can open space when everyone is stuck. 

We also tackle overbuying—why today’s parents want fewer things—and offer better ways to show love, from experiences to intentional support that fits their home and values.

Underneath it all is an identity shift: moving from fixer to “privileged bystander,” present and steady without calling the shots. We discuss preventing estrangement with early expectation-setting, learning modern safety and care practices, and staying curious instead of reactive. If you’re a new or seasoned grandparent looking for clarity, scripts, and a calmer path forward, this conversation offers tools you can use today.

If this resonated, tap follow, share with a friend who needs it, and leave a quick review—your support helps more families find their footing.

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Huge thanks to Connie Gorant Fisher, our audio engineer.  

Transcript

Welcome And Listener Questions

SPEAKER_01 0:03

Hey everyone, welcome to Bite Your Tongue the Podcast. Join me, your host, Denise Gorin, as we explore the ins and outs of building healthy relationships with our adult children. Together we'll speak with experts, share heartfelt stories, and get timely advice, addressing topics that matter most to you. Get ready to dive deep and learn to build and nurture deep connections with our adult children. And of course, when to bite our tongues. So let's get started. Hello, everyone, and welcome back to Bite Your Tongue. I'm your host, Denise Gorrand. And I have to say, I say this a lot at the beginning of every episode, but I'm truly excited about today's episode. And of course, our guest. We're answering a couple of listener questions that came through the Bite Your Tongue listener line. And just a reminder: if you have a question or story you'd like us to tackle, you can call us at 719-347-1106. Everything is confidential. Just share what's on your mind and we'll take it from there. Now let's get to today's episode and our guest. If you're on Instagram and not following Dee Dee Moore, the founder of More Than Grand, you're truly missing something special. Dee Dee is one of the most grounded, sane voices on social media, which says a lot because most of you know I don't like social media so much, but I listened to Dee Dee. I reached out to Dee Dee after receiving two questions about grandparenting, boundaries, and in-law dynamics that really stopped me in my tracks. And she generously agreed to join us. The first listener wrote about something many families are navigating right now. Grandparents providing regular, sometimes full-time childcare. The second listener feels increasingly shut out by her son's wife since the birth of their baby. At its core, the episode is about boundaries and relationships as our adult children build their own families. And that's exactly why Dee Dee is here. She understands that modern grandparenting is not a sentimental role, but a complex, evolving relationship that requires clarity, compassion, and courage. And many times biting our tongues. So welcome, Dee Dee. You can't imagine how happy I am to have you with us today. I've told you how much I love you on Instagram, and you're probably the only person I listen to. So thanks for joining.

SPEAKER_02 2:26

Well, that is a high compliment indeed. Thank you so much for inviting me, Denise. I'm really looking forward to this conversation.

SPEAKER_01 2:33

Yeah, it should be interesting. We have some great listener questions. But before we get into the nitty-gritty, I want you to tell me a little bit about yourself and how you created this more than grand, I guess, group. I only watch you on Instagram. Are you on Facebook too? And TikTok.

SPEAKER_02 2:48

I'm on Facebook and TikTok and You are, okay. And I put videos up on YouTube also.

Redefining The Grandparent Role

SPEAKER_01 2:53

So tell us a little bit about how you got into all this.

SPEAKER_02 2:55

I was working as a communications consultant several years ago, and I was having trouble managing all of the deadlines that other people had for me to do that job well and be there for my family in the ways that I wanted to be. I was a new grandmother. I had children in college and lots of demands on my time. So I decided to stop working as a communications consultant. And it took me about two weeks to get bored. I decided I wanted to start a blog, and I started a blog about grandparenting because I just didn't find a resource out there that talked about what new grandparents need to know to do the job well, to really support parents and create the kinds of relationships with parents and grandchildren that are important. With the communications background, that helped me build the website and also get the message across that it is communication that's really important. It very quickly became apparent that I was sharing a message that people really needed to hear. Things just kept growing. That's about six years ago now that that happened, and now it's a thriving website. And so many followers, so many followers.

SPEAKER_01 4:05

Let me ask you a question. You became a new grandparent then around six or seven years ago, I'm assuming, or was it earlier than that?

SPEAKER_02 4:11

It's nine at this time. Oh, nine at the time.

SPEAKER_01 4:14

What mistakes did you make initially that made you realize, ooh, this is a whole new world out there?

SPEAKER_02 4:20

I had a big advantage. I come from a big family that is really spread out in age. So my grandson was born just seven years after one of my nieces. I was aware of how much changes from not only generation to generation, but just from year to year as far as what parenting involves, what's the advice is to new parents. That gave me a really big advantage when I came into being a grandparent. But I did have the shift that we all need to make, which is recognizing that being a grandparent is very different from being a parent. It's something that we need to approach as a new role and learn about it. And that was something that caused me to start the blog in the first place because there wasn't somewhere to learn that, to learn what's important to know, how to prepare for this role, which is very different. Grandparents say all the time that this is one of the most important, most rewarding roles that they have in life. And yet we all assume that we can just go into it with no preparation. There's not a single other role out there that we would go into thinking that we knew everything we needed to know about it.

SPEAKER_01 5:32

Isn't that so funny that you say that? Because even going into parenting, you read so many books before you're a parent, you think about how to parent, what to do, and yet you figure you've been a parent, so how hard could it be to be a grandparent? But you are so right. I became a new grandparent just nine months ago. I made a lot of mistakes at the beginning, mostly because of overexcitement. And realizing immediately, I'm very lucky I'm have a very good relationship with my daughter, but I could be open about those mistakes. Everyone said to me, having a grandbaby is such an amazing experience. What I realized is what makes it an amazing experience, at least for me, is that you play with them so directly. When you have many children, you were on to another task. Not that you weren't loving and caring, but the one on one, yeah, the one-on-one you have with a grandchild is remarkable.

SPEAKER_02 6:23

Yeah, absolutely. And the fact that you aren't responsible for every aspect of their care and nurturing and shaping their personality, you're not responsible for any of that. You first of all, you have the perspective to know that there's very little you can do to shape their personality, right? Right.

unknown 6:45

That's true.

SPEAKER_02 6:46

You also don't have those day-to-day responsibilities so that you really can just focus on the relationship.

SPEAKER_01 6:52

Sometimes that can also be a problem, just in the whole thing of the adult child parent relationship, because you're watching your child and her spouse or his spouse do that, and you're thinking, Oh, I would never do that, or they need to do this, but you can't say anything. So sometimes that can also be a problem and not a gift.

SPEAKER_02 7:12

Absolutely. You need to really be able to step back and let them figure it out. That can be so hard to do.

Listener Story: Burnout From Free Childcare

SPEAKER_01 7:20

That's why we call the podcast Bite Your Tongue. Yes. Okay, let's get on to these listener questions. I told you a little bit about it beforehand. The first listener question begins with an energetic, well-intentioned grandmother who desperately wanted to help with child care for this listener and her siblings. At the time, her mother had a part-time job working from home, but she was eventually fired. The listener says, in part because the babies were a distraction. The loss pushed her mother into full-throttled granny daycare.

SPEAKER_00 7:49

She jumped in wholeheartedly, physically, financially, and emotionally, but she never sets limits for herself. Now she's burned out and dealing with health issues, but refuses to acknowledge the toll it's taken and the resentment that's built. She has a that's just what moms do attitude. As our children's needs have grown and gone beyond what my mom can provide. Any conversation about heart-handing care or preschool press turns into guilt. When we try to set boundaries or intimate rules, she becomes defensive and things that feel emotionally fresh. We don't want to hurt her, but we also want to do what we want with our children. And our flexing isn't our children's making her feel attacked. Like we don't think she's gonna be a job, and we don't appreciate the sacrifices she has made. Even if we'd rather she has taken care of herself and not make the sacrifices that we didn't have. And it's affecting the sibling relationship too. Because my sibling is using more of the grandma and daycare time, she passed out by the time that I need her. So I feel like I'm not getting any of that help. So my questions are how do families navigate these grandparents and childcare situations? How do adult children let their parents know that we need honesty when it comes to their capabilities and it's okay to prioritize their own health, finances, and time? How do we communicate that taking on childcare is a different beast and it requires routine and rules compared to just having a fun day with grandma? I really love the podcast. Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 9:25

So let's talk about what they can do now, but then I want to go back to when this begins for a family, what they can do to set it up more properly.

SPEAKER_02 9:34

What they can do now is very difficult because they now have a problem that's not going to be solved in an easy way. The boundary has to be set, and the conversation is going to be difficult. I think for grandparents, there is that danger in making your whole identity based on your grandchildren. We see this even when grandparents are not providing regular care for them. Their grandchildren are their whole life, and that's not healthy for any of us. We should not go into any relationship and put all of our eggs in that basket. We need to have other interests and other people in our lives to have a healthy life. For this grandmother especially, I think her kids need to let her know that it's not a repudiation of who she is or how important she is. They need to help her find some other ways to channel that energy. And maybe they can go to a part-time arrangement for a while. Maybe it can be one day a week or just in the afternoons, or whatever might work so that she gets the break she really needs, and the kids can get what they need as well.

Setting Boundaries And Hard Conversations

SPEAKER_01 10:43

Are there words you can advise them to use when they approach their mother? Because it sounds like whatever they say, she may retaliate. This just went through my mind. Come to a pediatrician appointment one time with the parents and talk to the pediatrician beforehand. The pediatrician could say, what a great gift this was, but it would be great for the kids to start having some different experiences so that the advice would come from an expert. What do you think about that?

SPEAKER_02 11:10

I think that's a great idea. I know another resource for these parents, there's a wonderful book called The Next Conversation by Jefferson Fisher. Okay. It's really about how to have these hard conversations. It gives you some really great guidelines for going into a conversation like this. I think one thing that I can say is for the kids to go to the mother and ask grandma, tell us what you're feeling. Tell us why this is so important to you. Have them really listen to her because obviously it's hugely important. When she reacts with defensiveness or anger, it's because she feels like they're not listening to her. They don't hear what she wants to say. That listening is an important part of any conversation. When you want to get your point across, you need to start by listening to the other person.

SPEAKER_01 12:02

That's so true. Okay, so let's go to the beginning when you have your baby and mom or dad or whoever it might be, Auntie offers this wonderful gift of childcare. People always say, set boundaries, plan it beforehand. What does that entail? How do you do that?

SPEAKER_02 12:18

I have a post about this on my blog. So you need to set boundaries about things like who's going to be making the food? Who's going to be preparing, providing the meals? What is nap time going to look like? What are your expectations for the baby's day? Will they be at your house or at grandma's house? What if grandma's sick? Will grandma get time off? Will grandma be paid? Because you know, some people give up their jobs so that they can provide child care. Anything that you would work out with a nanny agency with a daycare, you need to work out with grandma or grandpa. You need to spell everything out and have an actual agreement. And then you also have to have regular check-ins. So after the first month, hey, how's it going? What's been hard? What's been good? What can we do to make things easier? And everybody, again, needs to listen to each other.

SPEAKER_01 13:12

I was gonna say that listen is probably the most important thing during this conversation. This sounds so formal for a family.

Building A Family Childcare Agreement

SPEAKER_02 13:19

It does sound formal for a family, but it avoids so many problems. I had a good friend who was caring for her granddaughter one day a week, and it was the highlight of her day. She had not become a grandmother until she was 70. She had waited a long time, and this was just the best thing. She was gonna travel for three weeks, and that was great. The family found a backup for her for the time that she was gone. But when she got back, she was sick. She was sick for two weeks. At that point, the family said, We just realized we just can't count on you. So we're just gonna put her in daycare that day, too. She was crushed, absolutely crushed, because there hadn't been something in place to navigate when things didn't go as planned.

SPEAKER_01 14:06

I wonder in that case, and again, I adhere to you, you're the expert. My grandson is in childcare and doesn't live nearby. So when we go to visit, and we usually try to rent an Airbnb, thankfully we can do that, because I hate to all be on top of each other. They will let us just pick him up from daycare or pick him up from the house for that day and he'll skip daycare. Well, they have the backup there. Maybe every so often she can say, This month, can I take him for a day or two out of the daycare? That's the only way I think you could probably deal with that. It would be less pressure on the mom to have to be there every time because there's a backup in place.

SPEAKER_02 14:40

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 14:41

For the grandma, I mean. Yeah, yeah. Right. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 14:43

Right. Well, and less pressure on the mom too, because she doesn't have to be able to do that. Yeah, that's right, just a poor. That's exactly right.

SPEAKER_01 14:48

That's right. So why is this free child care sometimes the most expensive option emotionally?

SPEAKER_02 14:54

Because it just can damage a family's relationship so much.

unknown 14:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 14:58

Um because people can feel as though they're being taken advantage of. We can have so much trouble setting boundaries sometimes that we don't realize how resentful we're getting until it's too late. And that can happen on either side. I had one grandparent write to me who said, I cannot physically keep up with these children, but my daughter will not put them in daycare. She doesn't want to give them their vaccinations, so they can't be in daycare. She pays me$60 a month to watch a newborn and a three-year-old. I just can't do it. But I'm afraid if I say anything to her that she won't let me see them anymore. What's the answer to that? The answer to that is grandma's got to find a way to help them get these children into daycare because she had serious health issues at this point. And it was just too much of a problem for her to be providing care. She wasn't providing the care that these kids needed.

SPEAKER_01 15:55

You sometimes think, because I sometimes think this, my kids don't understand how old I am. When you are an energetic grandparent and able to do things, travel, take hikes, ride your bike, whatever it might be, you still are more exhausted than they will ever be taking care of a baby for a full day. And I don't think they get it completely.

SPEAKER_02 16:15

No, I don't think so. And you know what? We don't get that until we've done it. I know there was a period of time a couple years ago that I had to step in to help my son and his wife, my daughter-in-law, got sick. So I was in charge of the three kids. They were three, five, and seven. All the meals, all the getting them to school, all the everything, all the laundry. After about two days, I called my husband. I said, You've got to get down here because she's not getting better and it's gonna be a while. I'm gonna be here a while, and I am wiped out.

SPEAKER_01 16:49

I think that's so true. What's interesting because a friend of mine whose daughter lives overseas, and in some countries, it's very common for them to have a live-in nanny that travels with them and everything. They're not extremely wealthy, but it's just a common practice in this. My friend will say, Oh, yeah, she's coming to visit. She's bringing her nanny. I'm thinking, why does she need her nanny if you're there? And after having a grandchild, I realize how great it is to have that help.

Why “Free” Care Gets Expensive

SPEAKER_02 17:14

Anyone. Absolutely. An extra pair of hands I've gotten so that if my grandkids are coming to visit, I try to get one of their aunts to come too.

SPEAKER_01 17:22

You know, it's just like it's a great idea. Well, I could not do it without my husband. I'm so grateful. The other thing that I find hard, these are things I struggled with. My daughter would show me once how to do the stroller or how to do the car seat or how to do the whatever. And then I'd say, okay, I swear I should have videotaped it. Then she would leave. There was one time I could not open the stroller. Okay. He was like five months old. I was holding him, dragging a stroller that maybe I'd run into a mother that could help me open it.

SPEAKER_02 17:52

Oh, it's so true. And you hit the nail on the head saying you should have videotaped it because you absolutely need to have that video of how to buckle them into the car seat, how to get them out of the car seat, how to open and close that stroller. They're not intuitive. I don't care what they say. There's you got to press this button and that button and hold that and flip that at the same time.

SPEAKER_01 18:14

Isn't that so true? And people told me this, but I did not believe them. Anyway, all right, so let's get on to our second question here. This is a tough one because this was a really long message, which is the reason I didn't put it all in. I just tried to sum it up. Since the birth of their first grandbaby, they feel very shut out by their daughter-in-law. They did say the daughter-in-law definitely rules the roost in the family, and the son follows her lead. They live a few blocks away and they say they hardly get to see the baby who's turning one shortly. They're not asked to help very often, but always offer. Sometimes her son and his wife will stop by with the baby, but it'll be for a very short time, sort of an obligatory stop, see the baby, or on our way home. The daughter-in-law is also overly tight with her mother, who lives about an hour away and seems to call on her mother much more frequently. And sometimes we're literally cut the other grandparents out of something that might be happening. The daughter-in-law's mother has also been very short with them. What she's most worried about is the stress she senses in her son caught in the middle. They're very close to their son. They've always been a close family. He's their only child, and she can tell he's struggling, apologizing, and trying to bring the baby by on his own.

SPEAKER_02 19:29

What can they do? It's very hard. One thing that I tell people is, how much have you worked on that relationship with your daughter-in-law as a separate person? How often do you think of her as Jenny instead of Ron's wife, right? You need to recognize that she's a person that you need to have a relationship with independent of that marriage. That can be a hard thing to do, but it's not impossible. A situation like this, I honestly would recommend that the grandparents seek counseling and maybe seek family counseling with their son and eventually the wife, if possible. There are just some things that can't just be wished away. Sometimes you need a professional to come in and help you figure out what the best next steps are. This grandmother needs to remember, too, that it's very natural for her daughter-in-law to want her mother be more involved. That's natural. That's the order of things. Now there are cultures that the daughter-in-law, you know, is expected to cast off her family and join the husband's family completely, but that's not the culture that we live in. It's very common for the daughter-in-law to want her mother around more.

Practical Help: Tools, Routines, Backups

SPEAKER_01 20:40

I loved what you said about seeing the daughter-in-law as an individual person. I was talking to a friend of mine over the last couple of years, and she has several sons and no daughters, so she's got several daughters-in-laws, and they're all very different. And after I'd been doing this podcast for a while, I said to her, I would compliment the daughter-in-law as often as you can. They're always feeling like you're not questioning them, but judging them a little bit. Yes. Because they've come into your family as a stranger, but as the person your son or daughter loves very much. And this friend said, Boy, it really works. She would just say, You're so great with the baby, or what a wonderful meal you made. Instead of, why don't you do this with the baby or why don't you do that with the baby? Find those perfect times.

SPEAKER_02 21:23

Absolutely. I was speaking with one grandmother who had a very difficult relationship with her daughter-in-law. And I said exactly that. I said, Do you take opportunities to compliment her and tell her what a good job she's doing? She said, Oh yeah, I'm always telling her, Oh my gosh, the baby's out. It looks so cute today. I'm like, that's not a compliment to her. That's the compliment to the baby. Right. What do you say to her? It stopped her in her tracks and she thought, Oh, I think I'm saying nice things, but I'm really just saying nice things about the baby. That's an important distinction. You can't come in and say, I love the outfit you put him in. That's not saying anything about the relationship you have with your daughter-in-law at all.

SPEAKER_01 22:05

I'm gonna go off course a little bit, but I want to ask you a couple more things. The whole gifting and grandparents, how about this overbuying all the toys? What do they say at the beginning to stop this or to make an agreement on it? Or what's your advice for this?

SPEAKER_02 22:19

Yeah, for the parents out there who are inundated with gifts from grandparents, one thing that really helps is sharing why, right? When parents explain their reasons behind things, it's much easier for grandparents to accept and abide by those wishes. For the grandparents out there, remember we are being marketed at every turn in a way that is very hard to resist. You have to be almost have blinders on to go about the world and not be tempted with things for your to buy your grandchild. From the shops in the airport, when you go to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription, you open your phone and you're being served ads to for things to buy for your grandchild. Remember that's somebody trying to take advantage of you, not somebody offering you something that you need. Really stepping back and being intentional about gifts is important. And here's what I always say: if you can't control yourself, if you have to buy these things, great, but find a charity to donate them to because there are a lot of families out there who need these things in ways that your kids don't and your grandkids don't.

SPEAKER_01 23:29

So let me ask you this: how has grandparent changed in this way? I mean, I remember when I had my children, my parents were very generous, my in-laws were very generous. Sometimes I guess I thought it was too much, but I loved getting all the clothes and the toys and whatever it was. But it seems like across the board, this new generation of parents is less things-oriented and more particular about what they want in their homes. Do you think that's true?

Listener Story: Shut Out By Daughter-In-Law

SPEAKER_02 23:55

I think that's true. And we just saw consumerism rise and rise and rise and rise. And I think we're watching the it fall again with this generation. Another thing is, I don't know about you, but for me, my parents and my in-laws definitely bought my kids too much stuff. But it was really at Christmas and birthdays.

SPEAKER_01 24:15

That's true.

SPEAKER_02 24:16

It was not all year long. It was not another Easter basket at Easter and a Valentine's Day present and a Halloween present and oh, I saw this and thought of you, and oh, I'm coming over, so here's a present. It was not the same as it is today. I mean, grandparents are definitely buying too much too often.

SPEAKER_01 24:36

We talk about this a lot in the podcast of parents of adult children, like you said, find another purpose, that sort of thing. Have we all lost ourselves as we've gotten older and defining ourselves? We lost our role as moms, so we're throwing ourselves into the role of grandparenting without finding something we can be passionate about other than your grandchildren. I feel like our generation has lost that track. Maybe because we're living longer or healthier longer.

SPEAKER_02 25:02

I think there's definitely part of that. Absolutely. You know, we have the luxury of good health for much longer than our grandparents did, and in some cases, than our parents did. What we haven't figured out, or what a lot of people haven't figured out, certainly many people have figured this out. But for those of us who really saw our identity as mother or as the head of the family or whatever it was, it can be hard to shift away from that. And that's an important shift when you become a grandparent to recognize.

SPEAKER_01 25:34

Or I don't mean to interrupt you. Absolutely both a grandparent and a parent of an adult child. Go ahead. I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_02 25:39

Absolutely. No, you're right. And I'm glad you did interrupt me because that's when it starts, right? You have to recognize early on, and we were the generation of helicopter parents. It's really, really coming back to bite us as our children are becoming parents because now we bring that same energy of wanting to be involved, wanting to be updated, wanting to be on site, wanting to know everything and direct everything, bringing that to grandparenting is a recipe for disaster.

SPEAKER_01 26:12

So true, so true. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 26:14

But making that transition and being able to see your adult child as separate from you, and being able to see them become a parent and take on that role, being able to see them, you know, your son become a husband and then a father, is such an amazing privilege. When you are able to look at that as a privileged bystander rather than someone who is in charge, still intimately in charge, it's such a rich relationship.

SPEAKER_01 26:47

You are so right. You say the privileged bystander, I love that. That brings me to I've done a lot of episodes on estrangement. And I just did one yesterday. I'm hearing one in four are estranged from their adult children, and it seems to build as grandchildren are brought into the picture. Do you have anything to say? Or what are you observing?

Strengthening The In-Law Relationship

SPEAKER_02 27:07

It's tragic. I really feel so strongly that so often it happens because there is not open communication and there is not listening. When somebody feels that they're not being listened to, they don't want to keep talking to that person. It's really, again, it really comes back to being open to hearing negative feedback, being open to hearing that what you want to provide isn't what that person needs. One of the reasons on my website, especially and on social media, I really focus on new grandparents. I really focus on getting this message to expectant grandparents or grandparents who just have a new baby, because it's when you can avoid those mistakes and when you can curr make those course corrections so that it doesn't become something that's harder and harder to dig out from.

SPEAKER_01 28:00

As long as you can look in the mirror.

SPEAKER_02 28:02

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 28:03

Because I find a lot of times, like you said, the woman saying I'm giving them compliments, sometimes you don't see what you're doing.

SPEAKER_02 28:10

Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 28:12

I think that's the hardest part. Either your child will point it out to you, or over time you'll realize what you were doing. But that's hard, and especially in the throes of being a new grandparent, because the excitement is so overwhelming. Since you love talking about new grandparents, I'd love you to talk to new grandparents right now. What would your few pieces of advice be as they enter this new role?

SPEAKER_02 28:35

I think every new grandparent should sit down with the parents or the parents to be and say, How do you see my role in your child's life? What does a perfect grandparent look like to you? I can't guarantee that's what I'll be, but I want to know how you see my role in this. And then share what you would like to be as a grandparent. But again, start by listening to them because so many families struggle with mismatched expectations. If you can have those conversations about expectations to begin with, it's gonna change the game forever. I sell something called New Grandparent Essentials, which has all of the information a new grandparent needs to really thrive in the role. And one of the things that I lead them through is a conversation with parents about what are your plans for childcare? Grandma may be assuming she's gonna be involved, and the parents have lined up, they're gonna share a nanny with the neighbor. The sooner you can have that conversation and get that out in the open, the better.

SPEAKER_01 29:38

Tell me a little bit about this thing that you sell because I'm listening to you thinking this would be a great gift for a friend that's having a new grandbaby.

Gifts, Consumerism, And Overbuying

SPEAKER_02 29:45

It is an amazing gift for a friend that's having a grandbaby. So yeah, it's a digital course, but it's all a PDF. There are no videos that you have to watch. So it's nice because you can download it, you can print it up, and then refer back to it. It has four sections. One is about setting your intention as a grandparent. What is your vision of being a grandparent? What do you want to pass on? What do you want to be able to do with your grandchild? Then you share that with the parents because it's really important to make sure that they understand what you want and can tell you if not so sure that's going to work for us because I don't like the way that you are focusing on gender-specific roles, right? Okay. Continuing gender stereotypes or whatever the objection might be. There's a section on partnering with parents, which really goes in depth on how to have a healthy relationship with the parents of your grandchildren. There's a section on modern baby care and safety because things have changed. And there's a section on parenting trends, which is the things that we didn't, you know, what's body autonomy, what's baby-led weaning.

SPEAKER_01 30:52

Gosh, I'm in that right now. I was like, oh my goodness. And then I thought, this is the best thing I've ever seen.

SPEAKER_02 30:57

So different.

SPEAKER_01 30:58

When they're born skin-to-skin contact.

SPEAKER_02 31:01

Yes, yes.

SPEAKER_01 31:02

Never heard of it before.

SPEAKER_02 31:04

I know. And I'm like, oh, I wish.

SPEAKER_01 31:06

Baby-led weaning, my goodness, it makes life so easy. Right. But it's hard seeing all these things and keeping your mouth shut.

SPEAKER_02 31:14

Right. My goal is to provide grandparents with this information. So they'll say, Oh, so they're doing baby-led weaning. Which foods are you starting with? And they're able to come from a place of information instead of a place from of panic, right?

SPEAKER_01 31:28

Yes, you're so right because it was panic for us. The one thing that you said, and I've heard this before, sit down with the parents and talk about what you think they would need. What I found in this situation is they have no idea before they have the baby. Yes, absolutely. Well, there has to be a come together again or something.

SPEAKER_02 31:48

Absolutely. And here's the thing though, once you've established that you want to have conversations like this, that's the main point of this conversation. To establish the fact that you want to be involved, you want to be able to come to them and have them come to you over whatever it is. You're right. They don't really know yet what they're going to want. Now they are going to know what they want in the way of their childbirth plan. Do they want visitors at the hospital? All of these things. So the main point is to be able to talk about these things, find out what their expectations for some of these are, and just establish that pattern of communication.

SPEAKER_01 32:26

Opening the door to communication throughout the relationship. That makes so much more sense. That's the best answer I've gotten to that. We're going to close now with you leaving two takeaways. I like to ask all our guests to leave our listeners with two takeaways. Anything that you want to share as a wrap-up.

Identity Shift And Letting Go

SPEAKER_02 32:41

Well, first of all, and I think it's probably been obvious from my answers and conversations so far, communication. You have to talk to each other and you have to listen. And that is the most important thing as you take on this role of grandparent. And the other thing is this is a really important role, and it really deserves you preparing for it. You wouldn't go into a new job and say, hey, don't worry. I don't, you don't need to tell me anything because I did this, I did something like this 30 years ago. I'm fine, right? Oh, well, the tools look different, but you know, I'm it's fine. I'll figure it out. It's not fair to do that to your adult kids and your grandchildren. The time to to figure out what's different and what this role is going to look like for you now.

SPEAKER_01 33:32

Thank you so much, Dee Dee. I thank you for what you're doing for a whole world of grandparents and your calm, sane approach to all of it. So I really appreciate your joining us today.

SPEAKER_02 33:43

Thanks so much, Denise.

SPEAKER_01 33:45

Let's wrap up. I hope you enjoyed this conversation as much as I did. And I hope each of the listeners that sent in questions got the information they needed. I had no idea that Dee Dee offered this new grandparent essentials. I checked it out on her website. It's a wonderful roadmap that all new and even seasoned grandparents should have. I loved her emphasis on communication and listening. It's probably the one thing none of us do well in any of our relationships. This is true in general for adult children, but even more so when they become parents and we become grandparents. Remember that loving families can still hurt each other, and being prepared before stepping in is important. It may sound formal, but setting the groundwork is vital. If this episode resonated with you, we'd love to hear your story. You can leave us a voicemail at 719-347-1106. And also, please take a minute to support us for as little as$5. Visit our website at BiteYourTonguepodcast.com. Click the Support Us button. It really helps keep us going. Finally, if this conversation helped you or you think it would help someone you love, share it. These conversations that are hard to start but powerful to hear. So share the episode. It helps us grow. Many thanks again to Didi Moore of More Than Grand for her insight, honesty, and deep respect for both sides of this relationship. You can find her work at more thangrand.com and on social media. Links are in the show notes. Thank you again to Connie Bourne Fisher, our audio engineer. And until next time, remember, sometimes, probably most of the time, you're gonna have to bite your tongue.