The Middle Aisle Podcast
The Middle Aisle Podcast
Science Socks
The debut episode of The Middle Aisle Podcast, four friends discuss the obscure and bizarre purchases made that week down the middle aisles of popular German supermarkets.
In this first episode we learn that Romans are just Italians of the past, Ernie bought all the eating mugs in Spain and Paris Hilton is worried about Digital terrorism.
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Episode: Episode 1 - Science Socks
Duration: 0:19:55
[Jingle]
Rob: Positioned between the Mexican cheese and the ground coffee beans, a look down the central section of the German connection, the [centre of plentor 00:22] and what lies between the fridges and the freezers, it’s the Middle Aisle Podcast.
Hello, and welcome to this, our very first ever episode, er, a look into some of the anomalies found over the last week in the middle aisles of our favourite German supermarkets. I’m your store manager, Rob.
Al: And I’m your cashier Al, and this week we’ve been joined by the pondering wanderers, the savviest of shoppers, our Raiders of the Middle Aisle, Tom…
Tom: Guten tag.
Al: … and Josh.
Josh: Hello.
Al: For the last week, we four have been loitering around the middle aisles of well-known German supermarkets in search of the most obscure and bizarre items money can buy. We’ll be taking it in turns to show our items which none of us have prior knowledge of.
Rob: Without further ado, let’s see who’s at the front of the queue and spin the wonky trolley wheel of fate.
[Wheel spinning]
And it’s me.
[Chime]
Announcer: Checkout one is now open.
Al: I’m really excited for this, Rob, what’ve you got?
Rob: So, this week I have brought some diabetic-friendly socks. (Laughter)
Al: Erm, okay. Erm, er, I don’t even know where to start with that.
Rob: It kind of nods to the existence of diabetic-unfriendly socks, which is kind of worrying.
Josh: That’s what I was gonna say, yeah.
Tom: I’ve got a pair on right now.
Al: I know, yeah. Should I be worried?
Rob: I mean, I tried a pair out this week, and I was in Tesco the other day and, erm, I just heard a voice, “Excuse me, love, your insulin’s a little bit low,” and my socks were informing the lady next to me, erm, that her insulin was low.
Tom: Traitor.
Al: Right. What makes them specifically good for diabetes? I mean, do they lower your blood sugar or…
Rob: I’ve no idea. There is nothing- erm, it says you need to wash them before you wear them, which is bizarre for brand new socks. Erm.
Al: Well, I know why that is. It’s because if you wear brand new socks and you haven’t washed them, you always end up with your feet covered in all fluff, don’t you?
Josh: Yeah.
Rob: There is no information at all that suggests why they would be friendly towards people with diabetes.
Al: So, they’re just socks.
Josh: They taste bitter. (Laughter)
Al: They’ve got no added sugar.
Rob: Yeah.
Al: Yeah.
Rob: Yeah, no idea.
Al: So, erm, is that gonna stave off your diabetes, then?
Rob: Well, I’m hoping, yeah. Like I say, I’ve been trialling a pair this week, and so far…
Josh: A single pair.
Rob: … no diabetes.
Al: Right, okay.
Rob: Yeah, they’ve been really kind and friendly.
Tom: They’re not diabetes preventative.
Rob: No, they’re just friendly towards diabetes.
Tom: Right, okay.
Josh: So, like, it’s [coming 02:56] but it welcomes it nicely.
Al: So, effectively, they’re gonna give you diabetes, then? If they’re friendly towards it.
Rob: Potential- I suppose if they’re friendly towards, that maybe attracts diabetes. I’m not sure of the-
Al: I think you need to go and take them to a doctor and get a second opinion on those.
Rob: Yeah.
Tom: Can we have a look? Are you allowed to-
Al: Yeah.
Rob: Yeah, [Crosstalk 03:18].
Al: I wanna feel the material.
Josh: What’s the tog saying? What’s the tog? (Laughter)
Al: What tog do you normally wear in your socks, Josh?
Rob: Sugar-free.
Josh: About 4%.
Al: Does anyone know what a tog is?
Josh: I don’t actually, no.
Al: I know, like, a 12 tog duvet is quite- you know, it’s a winter grade, isn’t it? It’s very warm.
Rob: It’s a measurement of thickness of your duvet, isn’t it?
Josh: Imagine, like, a 50 tog.
Al: Is it just the thickness or is it how much heat it keeps in? You know, I don’t know what a tog is.
Josh: I think it’s the fabric and how it’s, you know, [Crosstalk 03:51].
Al: Well, I’m assuming it’s the insulation, but we don’t use tog in anything else. That’s why- yeah.
Tom: There’s no tog on these socks.
Josh: Thanks for taking two minutes to find out, mate.
Tom: ‘This product contains biocide active ingredient zinc pyrithione’.
Al: Oh, right. Well, that’s interesting. Right.
Tom: Make what you will of that.
Josh: Science.
Rob: Science socks. That’s [better 04:13]. “Pull your science socks up, Rob.”
Tom: These are actually 78% science, (Laughter) 20% polyamide, 2% elastic.
Al: Right.
Tom: Hand-linked, pressure-free toe seams as well.
Al: They are, they’re very soft them, yeah. I like it. Right, okay. Well, yeah. I don’t know what else you can say about them, Rob.
Rob: I think-
Tom: There’s questions.
Rob: Yeah, shall we move on?
Al: The only thing I’d say is if you didn’t have diabetes and then you started wearing these socks thinking that you’re not gonna get it and you just started drinking loads of, you know, sugary drinks and whatnot like that and you got it, could you go back to the shop and get a refund? (Laughter)
Tom: If you’ve got the receipt, I think.
Josh: “Excuse me.”
Al: Anyway, I think we’ll put that on there. That’s your first one there, Rob. Very nice. Shall we move onto the next one?
Rob: On we go.
[Chime]
Announcer: Checkout two is now open.
Al: And that’ll be you, Josh.
Josh: Well, looks like I’m up. So, you know me. I’m always, liking to, er, disseminate knowledge, so I’ve brought 100 Facts About Ancient Rome.
Al: Oh yeah, this is gonna be good.
Josh: Pocket Edition, which, I mean, obviously you can’t see the size of it but it’s massive. It’s not fitting in anyone’s pocket.
Al: Yeah, it’s about, what, 10 inches long or something? Yeah.
Josh: So, here we go. Random fact, ‘The Romans liked music and dancing’. As opposed to other people (Laughter). That was the first one that came up as well.
Al: That’s a great fact, yeah. I’d be more surprised if they didn’t like it.
Josh: Exactly, that was the point. Yeah. Er, here we go, Fact number 32, ‘Clothes told the world who you were’.
Al: What?
Rob: Like your diabetic-friendly socks. (Laughter)
Al: Yeah, they didn’t have any, er, diabetes in Ancient Rome, did they?
Josh: Eh, and the pre-cursor to Nancy Sinatra’s big hit here, apparently ‘Boots were made for walking’. As opposed to using them as hats.
Al: Boots were made for the Colosseum.
Rob: Julius Caesar, well known for wearing boots on his hands.
Tom: Boots were made for raping and pillaging. (Laughter)
Al: Oh god, yeah. So, erm, yeah. Any other good facts in there?
Josh: Yeah, I’ve got fact number 15, ‘Most Romans are little during the day’. I do not have a clue…
Al: What does that mean?
Josh: … what that means.
Al: Hang on, it doesn’t just say that. Surely it explains it.
Josh: Oh, I’ve read it wrong. ‘Most Romans ate little’. My mistake. We’ll go with the first one, it sounds better anyway.
Al: Yeah, I’m assuming it just explains what the facts are.
Josh: Yeah, it’s just a book filled with, er, various Roman graphics.
Tom: Is it written in Roman lettering? Is that why you can’t…
Josh: Yeah, it’s all Xs and Is.
Tom: … distinguish an R-
Josh: All I’m seeing is numbers, do you know what I mean?
Rob: Are you still a Roman if you come from Rome? Is that the-
Al: No, you’re Italian, Rob. (Laughter) Yeah.
Rob: Yeah?
Al: Yeah.
Rob: Is that just-
Al: No, that civilisation, kind of, ended.
Rob: I mean, you’re a Sandgrown’un if you come from Blackpool, yeah? Are you a Roman if you come from Rome?
Al: Oh, I get what you mean. Yeah, yeah. I know what you mean. I don’t know, to be honest, on that one.
Tom: Romanian.
Al: No, that’s a different country.
Tom: Okay.
Al: Yeah.
Josh: Here’s one I actually did know. Er, ‘The Romans developed under-floor heating’.
Al: Did they?
Josh: Yeah.
Al: Oh, that’s pretty cool.
Rob: For their conservatories. (Laughter)
Josh: I mean, Italy’s well known for its cold weather, do you know what I mean, like? But yeah, they, er, used to heat stones and put them under the floors, and that’s how we get under-floor heating.
Al: Nice, okay.
Rob: I think it says one thing we’ve, er, we’ve worked out, it’s that we could all do with having a good read of the 100 Facts About Ancient Rome.
Tom: Definitely.
Rob: Yeah.
Al: Okie doke. Well, I mean, that’s very informative.
Josh: Yeah.
Al: Thanks for that. I think we’ll move on.
[Chime]
Announcer: Checkout three is now open.
Al: So, erm, yeah. What I found this week, with it- you know, we’re getting into summer. And, er, what happens when you get into summer? You end up sitting outside and getting burnt and getting lobstered up, so I got a Knit-Your-Own Lobster. (Laughter)
Josh: Can’t hear it scream. (Laughter)
Al: Yeah, you know, actually, to be honest, my misses was like, “I really want that. Do you have to have that one this week?” So, we’ll have to raffle it off anyway, but, erm, yeah. So, inside this kit, you get your own needles, your yarn, your stuffing, a darning needle (if you know what that is - I don’t, I’ve never done knitting) and instructions, luckily.
Erm, but when I was reading the back of this thing, it says, ‘The end product is for decorative purposes and should be kept out of the reach of babies and children.
Rob: Who else would a soft, cuddly, stitched lobster be for?
Al: What world are we living in where you have to warn against having a bit of knitting round the child in case they injure themselves with it, you know?
Josh: [Crosstalk 09:14].
Tom: And that was in the child section, right?
Al: No.
Tom: With all the kids’ stuff, the colouring in?
Al: Well, it does make it absolutely clear that, ‘Warning, this is not a toy. This is an adult craft kit’.
Tom: Well, it was in the wrong department.
Al: Well, it does have sharp objects in it.
Rob: Is the wool diabetic friendly?
Al: I don’t know, it doesn’t have the zinc in it, probably.
Tom: That lobster looks diabetic to me.
Al: The other thing that stuck out to me here, it says, ‘Age recommendation 14+, colours and contents may vary’. It’s a lobster, so if you’ve got a red lobster on the front of the packet, if it came blue you’d be like, “Well, that’s not a lobster, is it?”
Rob: You can get blue lobsters.
Al: Can you?
Rob: Yeah, the blue lobsters are incredible.
Josh: [Crosstalk 09:51].
Tom: [Crosstalk 09:51] purple.
Al: Oh, right.
Rob: They’re really rare. I think they’re, like, 1 in 100,000, something like that.
Al: Are they?
Rob: Blue lobsters, yeah.
Tom: Bollocks, no. Lobsters, er- (Laughter)
Josh: “Bollocks.”
Al: Yeah, well I’ve never seen the blue ones.
Tom: No, the ones that you get over here, you can get them out the Thames, can’t you?
Al: I don’t know, I don’t live in London.
Tom: And they’re, like, a purple colour, dark blue.
Rob: You can pull the blue lobsters out of-
Tom: Have a peek in the box and see what colour it is.
Al: I’m sure it’s gonna be red.
Tom: I mean, it’s gonna be a ball of wool.
Al: Yeah. Pretty much, yeah. So, erm, that’s my thing for this week, so make of that what you will. So, yeah, we’ll move on to our last item, for Tom.
[Chime]
Announcer: Checkout four is now open.
Tom: What I’ve got is a mug.
Al: Okay.
Tom: Mind-blowing stuff.
Al: Yeah, yeah. Not seen one of them before.
Tom: What’s special about this mug is it’s got a letter ‘E’ on it.
Al: Right, for what?
Tom: Oh, hang on.
Josh: Because his name begins with an E.
Tom: No, I’ve just noticed, it’s got a gold handle effect as well.
Al: A gold handle effect.
Tom: A gold effect handle, new bone china mug with the letter E. And what’s special about it is there were no other mugs with letters on. (Laughter) You could only have an E.
Josh: There actually was as well.
Al: Maybe every week they change it up for a new letter.
Tom: It’s 11.5oz, or 330ml.
Rob: Do you think that, I mean, names that begin with an E-
Tom: Doesn’t have to be a name, could be a word. You could eat an egg out of this mug, (Laughter) it wouldn’t go unnoticed.
Rob: What about an escallop.
Tom: Yeah.
Al: Yeah, or an elephant.
Tom: You just eat out of it. I think that’s probably [? 11:31].
Rob: It’s an eating mug.
Tom: It’s an eating mug, yeah.
Rob: It’s an eating mug for slurping cups of beans, or egg.
Al: Beans? That doesn’t begin with E.
Rob: No, but you’re eating.
Al: Oh, sorry. Right, I get you.
Rob: It’s an edible- oh no, that’s a whole different world of, erm, mug. Chocolate mugs. Producers of chocolate mug. Is that- oh, it’s the chocolate fireguard, innit? Sorry.
Josh: Yeah. You can make cakes in mugs in the microwave, you know.
Rob: Yeah.
Josh: Put a big cup [? 11:57].
Rob: Yeah, I tried that, I was not very impressed.
Josh: Yeah. Oh, I’ve never done it.
Rob: Maybe it’s because I didn’t have an ‘E’ on the front of my mug.
Josh: That’s it, yeah.
Tom: The gold effect handle, you can’t really see it because it’s facing into the box, but the packaging is slightly damaged so you can get a little glimpse of it, and to be honest, it does look pretty special.
Al: I always find, like, erm, fake gold or gold effect, I think..
Tom: Excuse me?
Al: … what’s the point? Sorry, I’m not trying to insinuate that…
Tom: 99p, that cost.
Al: … your 99p cup doesn’t contain…
Tom: Mug.
Al: … sorry, mug, doesn’t contain real gold, but I’m gonna guess it’s just a cheap imitation. Now, it’s the same thing as if you’ve got, like, you know, a Rolex watch. It’s a status symbol, isn’t it? But people buy fake ones so-
Tom: That’s not a fake mug, is that what you’re trying to say?
Al: No. I mean, I know it’s a bit of… I’m just trying to say, why the hell would you buy a fake Rolex? Because basically, what you’re saying is, “I can’t afford a Rolex,” or you’re just saying, “I’m just full of shit,” you know?
Josh: It’s three for a tenner in Spain, though.
Al: That’s normally where you get them from.
Rob: Not anymore, actually, I was over in Spain recently and it’s just full of gold-effect-handled mugs. (Laughter)
Tom: You’ll not find one with an ‘E’ on, though, [Crosstalk 13:09].
Rob: Well, I was gonna say, that’s because in Español…
Josh: Err, ‘E’ for Español.
Tom: No, no. They’ve all got bulls on them, because that is bull.
Rob: A lot of Ernies. A lot of Ernies in Spain.
Tom: There are a lot of Ernies, yeah.
Rob: Buying the mugs up. Buying all the mugs up.
Tom: [El Ernio 13:24].
Josh: El Ernio.
Al: So, erm, are you gonna go back next week and see if they’ve got a D?
Tom: I’m gonna check.
Josh: It’s gonna take him half a year to get the alphabet.
Al: I was about to say, just make sure you come in every week with a different letter and we’ll just go through those.
Tom: If it had a ‘T’ on it, it’d have been completely pointless.
Rob: Tom’s learning mugs.
Tom: My spelling mugs.
Al: If you want to teach your kid the alphabet in the slowest way possible.
Tom: I think there’s a ‘T’ and an ‘A’ out there.
Al: Yeah, you could be right, yeah.
Tom: They got snapped up the quickest, there was only an E left.
Josh: Get in touch with the company, mate.
Tom: Might do.
Josh: My new bone china mug.
Al: If that’s bone china, I’d be surprised.
Rob: It’s produced in China for the Aldi stores, so…
Al: [Crosstalk 14:09].
Josh: The ‘T’ and the ‘A’ are probably stuck in the Suez Canal.
Rob: They’ve gone to the trouble of making sure you know it’s only a ‘gold effect’ handle and not just gold.
Tom: Yeah, they’ve put it on about three times.
Rob: So, I mean, why wouldn’t it be new bone china?
Al: They’re making a big deal out of that, like that’s the main selling point of it rather than the fact that you can just drink something out of it.
Josh: It’s a bit like Spandau Ballet, innit? [Crosstalk 14:30].
Tom: It’s a multi-use item, receptacle. You can do all sorts out of that.
Rob: Wear it as a hat.
Tom: Exactly. Grow some plants.
Rob: Bling.
Josh: Yeah, like the Romans did with boots. (Laughter)
Tom: It’s endless. It’s ‘E’ for ‘endless opportunity’.
Al: Right, well very nice, Tom.
Tom: Thank you.
Al: I like it. So, erm, I thought as a little bit of a bonus for the first episode, I’ve seen something interesting as I was walking round and I thought, “Well, I’ve got to put this on.”
So, these are celebrity scandal cards. And basically, it’s a game where there’s a quote from a celebrity scandal and then you have to, erm, guess who it is that’s said it. So, are you guys keen to play this game?
Rob: Sounds like we’re walking on thin ice, here.
Al: I know, yeah.
Tom: Oooh.
Al: I honestly don’t know what any of these actually say, so this is new to me, to be honest. Erm, so here we go.
‘I’m moving around, travelling from country to country. I’m a famous person who can clearly be the target of a terrorist attack and this is sometimes terrifying’. Who do you think might have said that?
Josh: Dion and the Belmonts.
Rob: George W. Bush.
Al: No, no. I mean, that would make sense.
Tom: Osama Bin Laden.
Al: Yeah, that would make sense as well in some weird way, but the terrorists wouldn’t be his own.
Tom: It’d be suicide.
Al: Yeah.
Rob: I mean, it depends which side of the fence you’re on, doesn’t it?
Al: So, this is a major, major terrorist, erm, attack, erm, target. Paris Hilton. (Laughter)
Tom: Oh yeah, of course.
Al: Apparently, yeah, yeah. So, err, she was on some show and she claimed to be a potential target for ISIS [? 16:07].
Josh: That’s some, err, self-inflammation if there ever was one, innit? You know, you’ve got a person who was famous for six months in 2001.
Rob: Just in case, you know, one of the terrorists has had a bad stay at one of the hotels. (Laughter)
Al: Yeah, “You’re getting it.” Or, like, “Yeah, I’ve seen you DJing and you were rubbish.”
Rob: “The mattress was lumpy, ‘ave it.”
Al: Yeah. Okay, right.
Tom: The more you think about it, the more it makes sense, really.
Josh: Digital terrorism, mate.
Al: Yeah.
Josh: Worst TripAdvisor reviews in Britain.
Al: Right, here’s another one for you. ‘It’s about experience with the supernatural but in a sexy way’.
Josh: Derek Acorah. (Laughter)
Al: ‘I had a couple of experiences with the supernatural. I don’t know his name. He was a ghost and very open to it’.
Rob: Bubbles the monkey? (Laughter)
Al: Oh, god. No, no, no. It was, erm, Keshia, the singer, isn’t she? Yeah, so, erm, here you are. This one, you might get this one, [? 17:12].
‘I got tiger blood, man. My brain fires in a way that is, I don’t know, maybe not from this particular terrestrial realm’.
Tom: It’s the Sheenster. It’s the Sheenster.
Al: It is, he’s got it. He’s got it right.
Tom: Of course it is, tiger blood.
Josh: Winning.
Al: Winning, yeah. So, I mean, it says here ‘blah-de-blah, and he told the audience he was living with goddesses, and finally admitted to being on a drug called Charlie Sheen’.
Rob: Amazing.
Al: What a guy.
Rob: Amazing.
Al: Where’s he gone?
Tom: That was a fun time.
Al: Where has he gone? I miss Charlie Sheen. That was absolute bonkers, what went on then.
Rob: Probably some sort of celebrity scandal, I’d imagine.
Josh: Yeah.
Al: That’s right. This one’s a little bit topical, actually.
Rob: Did that member of the Two and a Half Men grow up?
Tom: Yeah, it’s just One and a Half Men now.
Al: No, it’s just two men.
Josh: Two men.
Tom: Just two men.
Al: Two men, yeah.
Tom: Two Men and the Cleaner.
Al: Right, this is the last one. Erm, ‘He permanently scarred me above my temple because he had a ring on, but the good news is that he broke his little finger hitting my head because I’m that hard’.
Rob: [Bleeped].
Everyone: Woah!
Tom: Hold up. (Laughter) Oh, you can’t say that. That’s not funny.
Rob: That was a genuine answer.
Tom: Jesus Christ. Go on, if that’s [Bleeped]…
Al: No, it’s Piers Morgan.
Josh: Piers Morgan?
Tom: Who hit him?
Rob: Oh, Jeremy Clarkson.
Al: Jeremy Clarkson, yeah.
Tom: Jeremy Clarkson hit him?
Al: Yeah.
Josh: Yeah.
Al: Apparently so, yeah. It was, erm, something at some, erm, show though or something. He hit him in the head.
Rob: Yeah, I saw Jeremy Clarkson said of it, erm, that he’d never been in a fight, and I thought, “There’s no wonder you prance around with that gob on you having never been punched in the face.”
Al: Right, well, that’s all I’ve got of the cards for this week, we might pull them out another time.
Tom: I liked them, they were good.
[Jingle]
Rob: So, there it is, the first week of the Middle Aisle Podcast wrapped up.
Al: For your chance to get involved, head over to Instagram and search for ‘The Middle Aisle Podcast’. We’ll be letting you, the listener, vote on your favourite items from each show. At the end of the series, the item with the most likes will be crowned the winner. All the items from this series will be raffled off and the proceeds will go to the winner’s nominated charity.
Rob: Er, we’re also on Facebook and Twitter, so don’t forget to give us a like and keep up to date with all things Middle Aisle. Er, if you find any gems yourself, please feel free to share them as we’d love to see them.
For now, it’s thanks for listening and goodbye from me and a goodbye from Al.
Al: Goodbye.
Rob: Er, big thanks and goodbye to Josh…
Josh: Thank you very much.
Rob: … and Tom.
Tom: Auf Wiedersehn.
Rob: Catch you next week, guys.