no. Huh? Hello, and welcome to self aware millennial, the podcast whose tagline keeps changing because the host can't land on anything that feels right. I'm your host. Live had in, um and I'm attempting Thio give people resource is and tools they need Thio uncover their deeper truths align their behavior, words, actions, thoughts and perspective to those deeper truths. So you can access a more authentic and joyful version of your life. Um, and the why behind that goes really deep and is also part of why I struggle with attack. But enough of that. That's my problem, not your problem. Welcome to a brand new year. A brand new decade. It's 2020. I don't know about you, but 2019 for me was hellish, to say the least in really, really good transformative ways, but definitely very fiery. Definitely felt like I was walking through pits of hell at certain points in time. Today I want to talk about New Year new you resolutions while Bob Bob Loblaw all the shit that we get marketed because really, New Year's is essentially essentially a consumer kind of thing. It's been commercialized like almost everything, especially in the Western world. But there there are things about the New Year just energetically, and I think mentally that we can capitalize on. And so I want to talk about how to do that in a way that isn't the same old bullshit in a way that feels authentic and aligned to you as opposed to just trying. Thio, I don't know, download some new class and through this class, somehow you're gonna magically transform into this version of yourself. You've always imagined that's at least in my experience. I've only got 28 a half years a little more than that under my belt. So I can't say with certainty that it doesn't work like that for some people. And I can say for everyone I know and for myself, that is not how life tends to you pan out. I know I've mentioned this before on the show. Um and I don't know if you follow me on Instagram, I I've said it a couple times. I don't like to set resolutions. I stopped doing that, I think in 2015 New Year's of 2015 because what I realized was true for me. I'm you know, I'm high achiever. I'm self motivated. I grew up with my A self worth being attached to my achievements, and I have a lot of perfectionist tendencies, which I have talked to death in this show as well. And inside of that, what becomes a problem is the rigidity with which I will set out to achieve goals and that rigid structure, the inflexibility kind of baked into it is where I run into problems, because what we all need to recognize and realize and no off the bat before we even start is any time you are pursuing anything, there are many, many variables and factors that are going to change your trajectory and may even re shape and change the goal itself. So a really great example of this in real life, where starting finish line is far more clear, is any kind of race that you might run. For example, um, like a 13 mile half marathon race as you're running, especially if you're in a hilly area, it might look like you're going to go straight and straight and straight, and it's just gonna be a straight run. But the way that the hills work the way that your perspective is what you can see in that moment is actually limiting what's true, which is that in about five kilometers, you're gonna have to curve to the right, and then you're gonna curve back to the left down the hill, and then you're gonna come back up. But all you can see is the road in front of you, a slight downturn and then more road in front of you. And so it kind of looks like it's going to be the straight path within. The closer you get, the more visibility you get more perspective. You have you realize you're actually going to curve right and then back and then up again. And that is true for anything. You are going to pursue anything. Whether that's internal, external, tangible, intangible, it doesn't matter. The path is never, never straight, and what you think is going to happen is rarely exactly how it goes in those moments when exactly what you thought would happen does happen. Celebrate that cause those phones, they're few and far between. Um, all that just to loop back around to say when we set resolutions the way that they're traditionally set or we consider them the way they've been traditionally considered, we kind of basically lock ourselves into a big prison and then get frustrated when we basically are like, Well, let me out of prison. I don't want to be in prison. I'd rather just be my old self. Yeah, no shit. Me too. So what I started doing in 2015 is instead of setting a resolution, which my resolution might have been pre 2015 might have been like, um, I'm gonna get healthy this year. You guys, I talked to you about my party journey a lot that's actually continuing this year, but in a much different way. But I might have said I'm gonna get healthy this year, right? And so to me, get healthy. Would be, you know, eat better. You know, quote unquote get a better diet and exercise more. Right? And so great. Cool. What does that look like? Well, then you go do a bunch of research. If you're meeting, you do want to research for you ask friends or or you you pay a trainer and a nutritionist or whatever it is you do, and they give you very set guidelines on how to get from a to B What, what what happened for me and this is a pillar of perfectionism. I would go in. I would do really well for a period of time and then because a lot of times these things, they're not actually a sustainable or you didn't actually get to the root of what's causing you to not behave in a certain way. I'd relapse if you will, which is also very common on a journey. It's very common and to be expected that you'll make some forward progress, trip up, fall, slide back a little bit and then continue forward. But when you're not kind of perfectionist, hustle for my worth. I need a beautiful instagram feed. I want everyone to think my life is great when you're running all those kind of subconscious programs. What happens is when you have a setback when you meet an obstacle you don't overcome immediately, that feeling of failure starts to set in, and the big problem with the feeling of failure is most of us, in some sense or other, are addicted to it. And I don't mean addicted in the same way that I mean like addicted to substances. I mean, addicted in the sense of failure so familiar you're so used to not doing well and not overcoming this behavior pattern that you feel comfort in the failure. And that might sound crazy to you because it feels so bad to fail. But when you need to remember is that your prescription that that feeling is bad isn't actually how your system registers thinks so. Your body, your subconscious doesn't assign value when it comes to survival on good or bad feelings. What it does is say, life or death at a very basic level your subconscious, your limbic system, all of the things that you don't have direct control over on a day to day basis, which is most of your thought processes. All it's looking for is, Are we gonna stay alive today? Is this next thing we do going to keep us alive? Is this next thing we're going to do, keep us alive? So if failure is something, you know how to survive, which at this point in time, if you are listening to this, it means you're old enough to understand what I'm saying, which means you have failed many many times already. So you know how to survive failure. It's a comfortable feeling to fail. Now. I don't mean comfortable like you enjoy it. I mean, comfortable, like you know what to do with it. And so your system will go. Oh, we're doing something new. This is new. This is new. I don't know if we're gonna survive. I don't know if we're gonna survive, and at some point when you fail, it's gonna go. Oh, we know how to do this. This is good. We know how to survive. This failure is something we could do. We can handle that sensation. We know that sensation success. We don't know that so much. That's kind of scary. We don't know what that's going to. D'oh. So again, maybe you pushed through that initial failure and you keep going and you keep going. But most of the time, especially when it comes thio changing something that's so behaviorally based, like like weight or diet or the way you communicate with someone or if you're if you're doing anything on a regular basis, like posting on your social regularly, if that's something that feels important to you and your business or whatever you're doing, actually sitting down and working on those things in your creative life that make you happy and give you passion like let's say you're a painter and your resolution is to paint more. And so you're gonna three days a week, set aside time or four hours a week, set aside time or whatever you d'oh any time you're trying to change that kind of behavior, the key isn't perfection. The key is consistency, and that is so much easier said than done. Being consistent in the same way, over and over and over again. For a lot of people isn't a matter of weeks or months or even a year. It's actually a matter of many years of practice. We severely underestimate the amount of time it actually takes to recode and re cement new behaviours. Ah, lot of these things that are baked in a lot of these ways that we move through the world. Those were built over years over the course of your childhood, all the way up through the point that you really were quote unquote independent. That that took a long time. It took you. Let's say you know the stereotypical average in the U. S. 18 with a point your that your quote unquote, legally an adult 18 years. It took you to build up all these things that you take into adulthood. It's gonna take you a little bit of time to unwind and reestablish new patterns. And so instead of doing resolutions which I feel are basically the personal equivalent of a get rich quick scheme, you kind of have this mindset. New Year New me blah, blah, blah. Well, that's not how it works. It's New Year. Same u same fn you. How can you be with the same you in a different way, really, truly from a very rooted, consistent, loving, compassionate, self aware space. And so for me, what feels better is to set an intention. And so when I say set an intention, I usually try to keep that to, ah, word or a phrase, just something that's very simple and high level enough that I get to play with it. Now I have removed the pressure of having to achieve something, and instead I'm telling myself we're going to play with this word or this phrase, this intention we're going to test it out. I'm going to treat this year as an experiment around this intention. And so the very 1st 1 I ever did was know thy self. That's the year I got it tattooed on my chest. That's the year I really went face first, fully into becoming as aware as pop as possible of my own bullshit, my own patterns, my own desires, my needs. You know, I had been doing a lot of that stuff beforehand, but not so intentionally and not with his much purpose. And Dr So then that here I said, Okay, What? I'm gonna play with what? I'm gonna experiment with this. This intention of know thy self? Um, last year's and I'm mentioning this because this is going to be pertinent for the rest of this season. Last year's was freedom. So in 2019 I chose to set the intention to explore what freedom really means to me because it's been such a recurring theme in my life. Ever since I was a little girl, I have been what I like to call obsessed with the idea and feeling of freedom. And I mean that in every possible way, not just what seems obvious, like another personal pressing another person or a system oppressing a person. I even mean the ways in which I owe press myself the behavior patterns, the thought patterns, the things I inherited from my ancestors, from my family, from society. How have I kept those things in my body, in my perspective, in the way I walk through the world? And how are those causing me to live in these prisons? Essentially, that I've created and maintained for myself and in some cases didn't even create just inherited, didn't ask any questions, just wilfully walked into the cell, you know, locked it and swallowed the key kind of situation. So as I was playing with that, it might have been obvious. It might have been obvious for me to say, Oh, freedom is financial freedom and freedom from the oppression of being a woman or the freedom of um expressing myself through my body. However I want which a lot of those things did did come to the surface. I did realize I am not financially free. I have a significant amount of debt. Um, I'm not tending to my money, and I'm not in a relationship with my money the way that I would like to be the so that that kind of came up. If you've been following me for a while, then you do know I did do a lot of work on my perspective of my body and learning to love that and expressing myself through my body. Um, whether that's, you know, through dance or through posts on instagram, anything like that. So those things did come up. But if I had been so prescriptive as to say those were the only things I was gonna focus on, I would have missed the most important, the biggest, the most crucial aspect of what was holding me back and keeping me trapped. And for me, it was my silence. It was not speaking my truth. It was not saying what was riel and tough and potentially hurtful to the people in my life. And that's everything from at a restaurant once when when my order was wrong, just sucking it up and not getting what I actually asked for or wanted all the way to my client's not actually speaking up in telling them what I need from them to do my job well or or pointing out when they were not being accountable to the thing they said they were gonna be accountable to or standing up for myself and telling them, You're not paying me on time, you're going to get a fee. This, that and the other thing and perhaps the multi? No, not perhaps, for certain, the place where I mean not speaking up, not using my voice caused the most damage was in my relationship in my marriage. And so what happened was over the course of 2019 I committed to freedom, that intention, and the second, the second I became aware that my silence that me not speaking my truth was one ally. It is lying first and foremost nous the second that realization came to me. I just woo. That was heavy because I want to be authentic. I want to be honest. I want to be transparent. These are things that I deeply desire, and here it is a whopping behavior where I'm doing the exact opposite. So that was rough. Um, it's lying. It's extremely unkind because what you do is leave the other person to either guests or fail. So meaning they have to guess what you need and want or they try. They attempt to do what they think they heard you say or what they guess you said, And then they fail because they don't they don't know. They can't read your mind. They don't know what's in the deep recesses of your soul. Um, and and it's also unkind because it's not how I would want to be treated. And so for me to expect which I was expecting, I was expecting my partner to do all of these things that I was not doing now. It wasn't conscious. I wasn't consciously running around like he has to know what I'm thinking and feeling without me sharing anything. And then he should just tell me everything he thinks. And that wasn't happening at all. Um, I definitely I had a lot of wounding patterns and childhood relating templates around using my voice. And so I protected my voice by not using it toe, which I now ask myself on a regular basis. If you are protecting your voice by not speaking, then why exactly are you protecting it? What's the point if you're never going to use it anyway? all that to say As I started, Thio not only admit to myself that I wasn't speaking up, that I wasn't being a good as good of a partner as maybe I'd imagined I was that I wasn't contributing some of the most important pieces of a relationship that there are to contribute. Um, I was also aligning with my my deeper truths and uncovering those, because again, that's another place where where I was lacking freedom and creating, you know, constructs for myself that were very prison like. And so the more aware and attuned I became to my own truths, the more responsibility I felt to actually speak them. And so I started doing that, and we started working with our coach, Keith, as we were going through all of that so he could kind of help us navigate the waters. That's something I talked about a lot last season, and ultimately, at the end of our journey together, we just came to a point where the work we were gonna have to do to undo all of this was so grueling and so heavy it felt like there was nothing, almost nothing left to the relationship. It was getting hard to remember the good things and we were starting to get bitter and resentful and on top of that, it was just becoming more and more clear that our wants and needs as individuals or really, really tough to bridge the gap. Now I'm not saying it was impossible. I'm not saying that there is an aversion off my relationship where we couldn't have done the hard labor and overcome all the things and built the bridge is to somehow make what looks like disparate wants and needs come together. And the chances and the likelihood were just becoming slimmer and slimmer and slimmer. And we both just We were at a limit and it was one of those situations, almost where we just kind of I had to look at each other and say, I love you with all of my heart and this is breaking me. This is breaking us and I want you. I mean, ultimately, the the reason I married this person, besides how I felt with him, is because I wanted him to be happy because I loved him with. I do love him, um, with everything I have and for someone to be suffering. The way that he was suffering with me was really hard to watch. And it wasn't what I wanted. I didn't want to feel bad about who I was. And at the same time, it gets really hard to not feel that when everything you say and do feels like another nail in the coffin for your partner. Um and I'm not going to speak, even pretend to speak to his experience at all whatsoever. I just know for me I couldn't I couldn't de prioritize my truth anymore. Not because I'm number one and I gotta love me first ended it not the narcissistic side off of self awareness. And individual is, um But the side of it that recognized me pretending to be someone I'm not is not loving you. Me pretending I can offer and give you something that I actually can't offer and give wastes your time. It's unfair to you because you deserve to have that need and desire fulfilled and met. It's just super shitty to be with someone in a way that is not really because they deserve riel. They deserve someone who truly, genuinely wants to be in relationship the way that they want to be in relationship, and I just didn't want what he wanted at all. But I couldn't do it anymore. I had done it for eight and 1/2 years. I had done it the way that he needed it and and he's not his on idiot. He he knew he knew, and it's just it's just so crazy. It's so crazy because you think you think you think that you're doing everything right. Quote unquote right Hint. Hint. There's no right. You think you're doing everything right and you feel the love. You feel the immense amount of love. And still, sometimes things just end. They just come to a natural conclusion. And I firmly believe if I had not, if I had said a rather resolution at the beginning of the year, instead of an intention instead of something to explore and play with and really be with and figure out how to bring into my body and into my awareness and into reality one, we would probably still be in the relationship which at this point I don't even want to know what it would look like. It would look like some bastardization of how it started and what we wanted it to be. And two, the unhappiness levels would be just steadily climbing for certain, because the things that he and I want out of a relationship in a relationship, they're just not cohesive. Um, yeah, they're they're just really rough. And we would have we would have maybe if at the beginning of the relationship, we had been more aware and had more tools. And resource is, honestly if we just had more life experience. I was 19 when I met him 21 When I married him. We were young. We were really, really young. We didn't know what we didn't know. We just knew we loved each other and we made each other laugh and it felt good to be in each other's arms. And and I feel blessed that that's all true still, and the power of me setting an intention instead off just a resolution feel so apparent to me through this example on. And that's one of at least seven or eight different things in my life that just blew up last year, things that I know. I commented on some things that are still taking time to integrate for me. But, man, what a what a hell of a year. And so inside of all of that upheaval, the intention that I the word, the intention, the energy I'm going to be within 2020 is embodiment and embodiment is essentially taking the things that are intangible. So feelings, perspectives, theories, a lot of what I share with you. You know your thoughts, your ideas of things and making them tangible. So bringing them into your body into your being into your behavior into the way you walk through the world. Into your perspective, it's it's grounding those things and making them quote unquote riel in the physical plane. And so, for example, um, curiosity, especially in conversation and conflict, is a really good idea. It's a really good concept. So if you're in a tough conversation or situation with someone, the quickest way to shut down, uh, the conversation ended. The flow of things is to start barking statements at each other is to start asking yes or no questions that lead to a dead end. So if you want a conversation to go absolutely nowhere, just say things. Don't ask any questions tell that person they're wrong. Tell them this that this that this that However, if your intention is to build a bridge, if your intention is to keep conversation flowing if you actually if you actually care about that relationship on any level, the best tool you can bring with you is curiosity. An inquiry. However, taking that idea and embodying it are not the same thing. So you can know the idea and think it's great. And then the next time you get into a tough conversation, you don't ask any questions. You just tell them you did this. You said that you made me this. This this. Now I'm over here. This, this, this, this this blah, blah, blah, blah me, me, me. That's pretty much how the conversation will go. They'll probably return it in kind. Unless, of course, they even bought it. This idea of curiosity. So I bring that up because curiosity is something I have been actively working to embody for a few years now and toe loop back to the beginning of the podcast episode. It didn't happen overnight. I this concept got introduced to me. I want to say in 2013 2014 When I was doing work with my mom's company, we were building, um, communication and strengths curriculum for people we were working through vital smarts, crucial conversations, the difficult conversations stuff, you know, using all of those tools and things. And so I was absorbing a lot of these communication tools and really trying to integrate them into how I I behaved and how I spoke inside of conversations. And so we're talking back in 2013. I still I still have to actively remember to ask a question like actually before before I started recording this episode, I am in a tough spot in a relationship that I care deeply about. And, um, I I typed out a wall of this, made me feel this Doctor, doctor and I just looked at it and I thought, This isn't gonna be helpful in the slightest This isn't going to get me where I want to go because where I wanna go is actually being back in connection with this person and right now are extremely disconnected. That doesn't mean that I deny my feelings and try to make it OK for them. What it means is, I deleted all the statements and it said I asked two questions that that the subtext of which was I have a problem with this Don't have to say it. I know you're gonna pick up on and I'm gonna leave it open so that you can respond to me and perhaps say something I wouldn't have thought of or or lead us down another path that I couldn't possibly imagine. But point being to embody that takes practice and practice and consistency and practice and practice and consistency and practicing insistence E and practice, practice, practice, practice consistency. Because Lord knows I'm gonna be 65 I'm still gonna write a wall of text somewhere and go live. Are you being curious right now? No, you're not. Ask a question instead. So that's why I really want to play with embodiment. Especially because last year I had so many things come up. So much of my behavior, my patterning, my bullshit. I just calling it all my bullshit. So much of my bullshit was was presented to me on gold patters by the kind ist most loving, beautiful people in the entire world, which was such a huge blessing. But nonetheless, it stinks and it's messy, and it feels it feels like a lot to clean up. It feels like a lot to do something with. And so I wanted I wanted 2020 to be the year that I don't excavate as much because I've been excavating purposefully with a ferocity for four years straight. So I want to say, OK, we did a lot of digging. We did a Grand Canyon's worth of big and now we are going to actually do something with what we dug up. We're not gonna keep making piles of things that we slowly chip away at. We're actually going to let that sit. We're not gonna add anymore. And we're going to start embodying all of these things that that we talk about and think about and and actually want to have happen. And so for me, a huge, ah, huge thing that I want to embody more of is transparency because it became very clear to me last year that as communicative as I am, as much as I like to talk as as quote unquote, easy as it is for me to access my emotions, I actually don't share them with the matter. Most. I share them when it's easy to share them, and it impresses everybody else enough that they think I'm doing the thing. But really, all I did was put up a shield of Oh, here. Here's some pretty emotional vulnerability. Here's some pretty emotional availability. So you think you're getting something from me. But this is actually a shield to what's brewing underneath. And so, too. And and I'm telling you, this is a tough one for me, for sure. I I have a lot of beliefs and stories and evidence to back these up. And just so you know, evidence can be you look at it from one angle. It looks like this. You look at it from another angle. It looks completely different. So, evidence I use that loosely because it's not definitive proof. It's just I've spun it to be proof for myself. I have a lot of stories and limiting beliefs that people cannot handle my emotions, that people cannot handle my truths, that people cannot go as deep with me as I need to go without letting their own crap get in the way. And then I end up having to do all of this emotional labor, which we're going to talk a lot about emotional labor because I feel pretty confident that if you listen to this show, you are someone who does emotional labor to a disgusting degree, and we all need to stop doing that. We just all need to. It's not good for anybody, and I think it keeps people in this lake horrible pattern of acting like a baby and then also enabling baby behavior. So point being transparency feels so important for me to to embody on on a soul level and tow walk through the world with equanimity and transparency and oh, my, there's just there's a lot going on for me right here. This is this. It feels very important and very crucial to my mission in the world, which I still don't fully know. I'm just I'm just following one foot in front of the other, um, and so to me that means even more radical honesty on this platform and on my instagram. And it's funny because if you if I step back and look at things objectively, I'm definitely in comparison to the world at large, far more transparent than most people, and that's not going to be my bar. I was letting that be my bar. Oh, this is more transparent where honest, more raw than than anything else out there that I've experienced at least most things. And the truth is, if I I leave my bar that low, how much change in my actually affecting? How am I making the world better? By being a mediocre version of myself? I'm not. And so to me, that means I'm gonna I don't even I don't even know how this is gonna play out. I feel like I feel like I've gotten so much feedback from people who listened to the show over the over the last three or four months, which, if you are one of those people who reached out to me, thank you so much, you you break into a lot of dark places for me. I just remember thinking, Wow, if this is happening while I'm not recording what happens when I put a little more purpose, intention, transparency, life embodiment into the show, what happens when I when I actually push my energy into this, which is something I'm really excited to experience and learn from this year, but when I get feedback from people on the show, it really is. It really is all the same. It's You don't know how many people you're impacting. I've been watching your journey this that this that and so it just seems to me, Okay, what people, What people enjoy what they get from the show has a lot to do with the way in which I walk through the world and sharing how I fail on how I succeed in in real time as real time is possible. And I say in real time, because once I've gotten through a situation and I have intellectualized the understanding of it, I don't know that there's a CZ much value and sharing it. It's not that there isn't value, because now, basically that that experience has become quote unquote life wisdom. If you will what I feel there might be more value in taking you along while I go through it, and I have done that in pockets and moments here, and I certainly do that on my instagram as much as possible. But I think there's a little more intention I can bring to that that I feel we'll embody the spirit of what I'm trying to share, which is that no matter who you are, where you are, what you're doing, the external circumstances of your life, you have all the power you need to move through it, to move through it well, and by well, I mean healthfully. I don't mean perfectly or without incident, because that's just fake. You have the tools you need inside of you to continue to move forward and grow whatever that means for you, whatever that looks like for your life. I fully believe that. And I haven't I haven't experienced otherwise. I just haven't and I don't I don't think sharing digested information is as potent as I'm eating this food right now in front of you and telling you exactly how it tastes to me in this moment. I think that is more powerful than Here's a review I wrote in The New York Post about that dinner I had last night, because what's gonna go on in this thing? This thing that I put out in the Post is not gonna be raw. It's going to be a memory at that point, which maybe we'll do an episode on how terrible our memories are because everybody thinks they're memories, good or bad or whatever. Whatever you think about, remember your memories Air ship. Which is why eyewitness accounts are just so dumb in court. But, um, then it's gonna be edited, right? It's gonna I'm gonna change sentence structure and I'm gonna put flowery language in it. And I'm going to try to make it some poetic and murdered, like the symphony of flavors from the cardamom in the dirt. Like whatever I put in my thing to make you want to eat this dinner or not eat this dinner, there's there's an agenda there, whereas if you watch me eat it, the only agenda is me describing what I'm experiencing and then you can take from that what you will. And that's kind of how I want to approach things this season. So I had I have I don't even know at this point, cause I haven't. This is my 1st 1st day back it back at the show. I think I have three or four pre recorded interviews that I don't even know if I'm gonna post them this year. And if I do it might be, they might be bonus episodes, I don't know, but what I would much rather dio is start interviewing people who are going through some shit life. And let's just talk about it on air. Let's workshop it on air. Let's do some some kind of, like live coaching style stuff because I think that that's gonna bring up a lot more variety of ways that people approach things. Ah, lot more variety of ways that people sabotage themselves a lot more variety, real nous and grounded nous into what's actually happening for riel instead of theoretically, which I think I I still feel like pre planned or professional, like interviewing professionals. There is an element of theory to that, and and that's not bad. I think that's I love that stuff. I miss such an avid learner. I love theory. I love philosophy. I love things that give my brain food. My brain loves to chew on shit, so I absolutely love that, and I feel like we have enough of that. I don't think that that's a gap that needs to get filled myself. Where millennial I feel self weren't millennial can fill the gap of Okay, here's 700 theories floating above us in the sky. We're down here, feet on the ground. And here's the actual problem. How do we take what's going on up there and bring it down into an embodied experience on the ground in real time with real people in real situations? How can we do that? And that's what my whole year is gonna be about, for myself and for you. And just to loop back to the beginning of why I feel this is a better approach, at least for me and then resolutions. There is no way I could do this wrong. I mean, the only way I could do it wrong is to sleep all year and do absolutely nothing or to go the complete opposite direction of embodiment and start, You know, get a drug addiction or some some crap like that and associate from myself entirely. There really isn't much room for failure. I, no matter what I do, if all I did was what I just said about my show, or if all I did was actually practiced curiosity with just this reckless abandon that to the point where people are like Can you give me your opinion? Because all you're doing is asking questions like, if I if that's all I did all year, I will have been successful. And what do you think that's gonna mean for me next year, when I have a new intention or the next time I want embody something like, I want to embody someone who speaks consciously from their heart. That is something I want in body. If I was that successful with curiosity, what's going to stop me for going after that? That other thing that I want in body or I want to embody equanimity, which is is this beautiful word that just has so many textures and layers. And for me, the layer that feels really good to me right now is is moving through the think of everything with just this lightness. This not that doesn't mean not taking things seriously. What? Treading lightly? That's something I wanted a body. Anyway, The point the point I'm making us if you are someone who likes the idea of New Year renewal of taking this construct of time that we choose to live in and capitalizing on the energy around a new year or a new quarter or a new month or a new week or a new day, try being less prescriptive and beam or intentional. Next episode. I will talk. Well, maybe not the exact next episode, but in an episode or two or three, I will talk about intentions because I know people hear that word thrown around a lot, and they don't necessarily know how to make an intention or how to get into with what they want their intentions to be. And so I will talk through that a little bit. Maybe I'll even find a guest to work through that on who actually wants to set an intention. And we can do it in real real time and workshop that all that to say instead of telling yourself I am going to do X by blessed date because to me that's more of like a That's more like a checklist item, um, set an intention of what you're hoping to accomplish at the end of all of it, um, and then reverse engineer it from that. So I don't want to get too much into this because I think people that there's enough information out there about gold setting and how to successfully achieve your goals. I'm not saying set an intention and then put absolutely nothing behind it. It's not just gonna happen out of thin air. So, for example, when my intention was to explore freedom, I specifically put myself in situations that were wildly uncomfortable for me. Um, and that we're going to kind of forced me, forced me out of my patterns because I recognize my patterns were what were keeping me the same and keeping me feeling trapped. Um, so I practiced using my voice Ah, lot in different spaces. Um, one of the things that I did with Keith that I believe I even talked about some episodes was research. So for one week, I would have a research project. So, for example, around speaking, my truth for an entire week, I had to pick a fight, and that's my definition of picking a fight because the point he was making is that I don't really actually pick fights, and my relationship to anger was pretty skewed at the time, because to me, anger automatically equal violence. I still feel some of that in in moments, but I've definitely peeled that back a lot through this practice of voicing myself, but for a whole Ah, whole week I had to pick a fight every day, once a day. I had to pick a fight with someone, which was just to say something contrary out loud to what they presented. And let me just tell you. Doing that for one week changed a lot. It changed a lot. I actually got think to buy people for speaking up. And then I was like, Oh, what I have to say when I consciously speak from my heart is actually adding value, not detracting value. It doesn't feel like violence. It feels like love. Oh, maybe I can reframe this thing for myself. So that's not to say I set an intention and the universe takes care of it. And Law of attraction and blah, blah, blah. No, not at all. I'm a very practical, pragmatic person. There were absolutely actions on, and plans and things I was doing. There were checklist. There were all kinds of things, But the end goal at the end of the day wasn't the checklist. The end goal at the end of the day was to get a better understanding of what freedom meant to me and where I did not feel free in my life and that was achieved. I absolutely did that 10,000%. So even though 2019 was a really fucking tough year and it was the end of a relationship or not the rule, it's the end of my marriage. It's not the end of my relationship with Jesse. At least I hope not. So far. It doesn't look like that. It was the end of my marriage, which anyone might go. Oh, divorce. That's a shitty year. It was still a successful year. It was absolutely exactly what I intended to do. It didn't look anything like I thought it might what I got exactly what I asked for and what I wanted. And so that's basically my baseline argument for setting intentions as opposed to resolutions, huh, Man, I also would just love feedback from you guys on what you get out of the show And what you think the show is about really struggling with this whole tagline thing? Marketing is just ah friggin It's a ridiculous beast. I haven't even really done that much marketing for this show. But I really want to start to this year again. That's me embodying what I want, which is to reach as many people as they possibly can. And so, for my part, I need to be marketing the show a lot more than I'm doing now, which is almost not at all. I need to be making it more visible. I need to be reaching out to people. And so the messaging becomes extremely important in that sense. And I'm just really kind of stuck. If you will hear some transparency, I'm fucking stuck on what the show's about because this has been one of the most organic projects I have ever done. I am just literally following my intuition and my heart on this. So far, so good. But my intuition and my heart aren't necessarily languages that translate well in marketing. Um, almost every time something comes from that place, it's way too esoteric, and I get told that, and I don't disagree. It's just it's a little too fluffy and woo, and it doesn't feel grounded enough. And so that's That's a space that I'm the growth edge for me, and I would just absolutely love help, um, from people who listen to the show and love it and actually get something out of it, you know? What are you getting out of it? And I mean, maybe you're someone who's great with taglines or it just kind of comes to you, comes through you and you have a tagline idea. Please send it to me. I'd be super, super grateful. Um, and I really I really have hope and love and energy around you having a fulfilling and nourishing 2020. And I want you to note that those words don't have good or bad attached to them. Nourishing might mean you have a really fucking hard here. Fulfilling might mean you don't get anything you wanted or thought you wanted. There's no prescription about whether this year is easy or smooth or happy or sad. I hope this year is exactly what you needed. And I hope that you have the courage and the motivation and the self compassion to see that recognize that, embrace that as much as you can ask for help every single time you need it. Be quiet when you need to be allowed. When you need thio. I'm just going to send you all the love in my fucking body that you get have do be exactly every single thing you need to do have B for this year. The funny thing being that it's already happening, you're already always doing all of those things. And what I really hope for you is there's a little more consciousness brought to that so that you can actually start seeing seeing those things, being grateful for those things so you can reap Repin so much, much more of it. All right, I'm gonna stop talking because at this point, I'm probably just talking cause I enjoy the sound of my voice and I like talking, So we'll call this episode complete. I just want to think everyone in the whole wide world for everything that they're doing every day to to make the world better, because right now I know things look freaking bleak. Australia's on fire were possibly waging war, which ultimately is just gonna lead to a lot of deaths of people that aren't American. I mean, besides soldiers, but it's not gonna happen on our soil. So oh, that's a whole other topic. And not not not for this show. But all that to say shit looks oblique, his flock. And for all of you out there doing anything at any point in time, whether that's opening the door for someone smiling at someone saying Thank you whatever you're doing to play your part to make the world not super shitty Thank you truly. Thank you so much. Let's keep going. Love you and like you.