The Invisible Influence Shaping Our Decisions and Life's Direction

Ever wondered why some tasks feel effortless while others are like pulling teeth, even if they're things you desperately want to do? 

It all comes down to a powerful unseen force... your values.

Values aren't just words we toss around casually; they're the invisible influence of our lives, guiding our choices and actions whether we're aware of it or not. 

You can give yourself the most inspiring pep talk to hit the gym, but if exercise isn't a core value for you, it'll always feel like an uphill battle.

These aren't the things we wish were important to us or things we think we should care about. I'm talking about the deep-rooted values that quietly drive our every move.

Many of our values are formed during childhood, shaping our paths without us even realising it. 

In this episode, I dive deep into the world of values, sharing insights on how to uncover yours and conflicts within values that may be holding you back.

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Transcript

Sian 0:25

Hey, hey, and welcome to the Vibrant Mind, Vibrant Life podcast, or welcome back, I should say, last week, there was no podcast episode. Right. Full disclosure. I had planned on recording a podcast episode, and then I got busy moving house, and I hadn't really. accounted for how much stuff I have and how many boxes it would take. There are two of us and we filled van after van after van. It was absolutely crazy. Uh, so anyway, moving just became the priority and I thought I could record a podcast episode. My head wasn't in the right space. I wouldn't have been able to deliver any value whatsoever. So I thought I'm just going to give myself the room to have a week off and focus on the thing that was important to me in that moment, which is what I want to talk to you about today. Now, today's episode is all about our values, which are those things that are important to us. And it was prompted off the episode that came out the week before that, which was about my knee and not being able to exercise for a while and the stuff that it for me. Now, if you haven't listened to that one, head on back to it and you'll know what it is that I'm referring to, and today is all about values, which was prompted from two things, partly not recording the episode last week because it wasn't as important to me as all the other stuff that had going on. And also a message that I received from somebody asking about exercise and what if it's important to us and wanting to kind of. decipher and dissect how that fits in with the previous episode. So that's what we're talking about today, our values. So first things first, why is this important? Well our values are exactly that. They are the things that are important to us. They are the why behind what we do. They give us that internal drive, that motivation. So our values, you can think of as exactly that. They give us the energy to carry out the things that we do. So they give us that upfront motivation, the energy to do what we do. They're what we're willing to invest our time and energy into. They're also how we assess whether what we did was right or wrong, good or bad. So they are the things that we look back on as information for all the actions that we're taking in alignment with what's important to us. They also give us information. So if somebody oversteps the mark, if somebody oversteps out a boundary of ours, they violate our values, so something that's important to us. They act as a feedback mechanism to us. So when people overstep the mark, this is when we feel negative emotion, so we can use it as an opportunity to enforce our boundaries, to take action, or to let something go. So they're there as information. So, now values play a big role in how we operate in this world, particularly when it comes to our goals, because as I mentioned, they are that why, they are the motivation behind everything that we do. Now something that is very common, it's very popular, is to talk about values and what's important to us, but from an aspirational standpoint. So when you discuss values, maybe you've done this yourself or in a workplace, we can talk about the things that are important to us, but it may be things that we aspire to be important to us. For example, it could be that somebody says money is really important to me because maybe they want to create money. But when you dig deeper and look at actually what is important to you, even if it's not wanted, money may not be present. And that can be an indication as to what's getting in the way of somebody achieving their goals. The deep unconscious values that we hold are just that, they are deeply unconscious and many people aren't even aware of what they are. Yet you can discover them really easy and one of the ways to do that is actually look at how you spend your time. If you say something is important to you and then you invest no time in it, the chances are that it's not an unconscious value. You're not motivated to fulfill it, otherwise you would find the time to make sure that it's fulfilled. So even if there's something that you really wish was important to you, like exercise, if you're not motivated by exercise it's always going to feel like hard work. Now, I can imagine there are going to be some of you listening that are thinking, that's just not true, Sian. There are things that I just don't have the time to do. They are important to me, and I can't fit them in. This is where values become interesting, because when something is important, you find value. the time. But that's when it's deeply important at the unconscious level, not something that you wish was important. You've probably heard it said many times, if something's important enough to you, you'll find the time, you'll make the time. That is true. And the question is, Is it important to you at the unconscious level, as in the 95 percent of the power of your mind is giving you that motivation? It's important to you at the deeper level, not just at the surface level where you maybe aspire for it to be important, or you have a desire to be, for it to be important. Now because of that, our values are something that we fulfill automatically. So if, for example, exercise is important to somebody, they'll automatically find times to exercise. It becomes an unconscious process rather than something that they have to make themselves do. And this plays out not only in the say the scheduled kind of workouts, this is also the day to day activities and how they're carried out. This could be something as simple as, if there's the option of taking the stairs versus the lift, if exercise is important to somebody, unconsciously, they will just take the stairs without question. So it plays out on that unconscious level. It's not something you have to think about all the time. You just do it on autopilot, and then you also find time to fit it in. Let me give you a real life example of how this has played out in my life. Exercise is something that has always been important to me. It's always been a high value of mine. So I always find time to fit it in. Now, when I was in the middle of. training, learning NLP to become a trainer. I was working a full time job as a sales manager. I was working a part time job in the training and coaching industry. I was doing my training work. I was doing a lot. So the hours in my day were maxed out with stuff to do, let alone the day to day cooking, cleaning, shopping, all the stuff that happens, and it felt very overwhelming. Now, at the time, I was a member of a gym, and going to the gym was on a 10 minute drive, and then there was the workout, and then the drive home. And I looked in my diary and thought, I'm struggling to fit this in, without waking up at stupid o'clock, which I was already doing, I was going to struggle to fit that workout in. Yet, working out was something that was important to me. So at that time, it wasn't that I sacrificed working out, What I did was quit my gym membership and then I fitted my workout in the morning. Even if it was just 15, 20 minutes, half an hour, jumping around the lounge, dancing, going for a walk, whatever it was, I found time for it because it was important. And this is where it can get a bit sticky with people in that they may have reasons or excuses as to why they can't do something, yet if something is important, you'll find the time. Even if it's not in the exact way that you want it to be, you'll still fit it in somehow. Now, if for some reason, you don't do that, so your values aren't being fulfilled, you will feel negative emotion. It's feedback that something that's important to you isn't being met. Now, following on from last week's episode, there was a bit of that going on initially, as in exercise is important to me, I wanted to do my exercise, and I knew that it was only a temporary thing, and there were other ways that I could move if I wanted to, Not in the usual way, but I could do some sit ups, I could, you know, move my arms, there were things that I could do. So it wasn't that my value of exercise wasn't being met, it was some deeper stuff and the meaning that I placed around that. So again, if you haven't listened to it, head to the previous episode to listen so you know what it is that I'm talking about. Anyway, so values are the things that are important to us. So the question is then, where do these values come from? How do we create values? Because everybody's will be different. Many of our values are inherited. As in, we don't choose them. They're formed between the age of nought and seven, when we are a little unconscious sponge, just absorbing the world around us, and being told what's important to us, and observing people to see how they act, how they spend their time. So we're taking that information and this is what is programmed into our mind. That was what creates our core values and the beliefs that are associated with them. And many of those values can stay fixed. forever. give you some examples, it could be that a child is brought up in a household where family are important. So it's ingrained at the unconscious level that you have to make time for family or achievement, success, making money, being active, being humble. So all of these different values that will be individual to everybody. And we have values for every area of our life, for everything that we do. So we'll have a set of values for relationships. We'll have values for career, for our health and fitness, for life in general. Now, whilst many of those do stay fixed in place, values can also change. And the thing that usually promotes that change, is a significant emotional event. Now, these significant emotional events can be either, what you would call positive, or negative. Let me give you an example for each. So, a positive significant emotional event could be, somebody has a baby. And suddenly, all of the things that used to be important to them, like spending time with their friends, going out partying, going to the gym, whatever it might be, all of these things that used to be important, have just faded into insignificance and their values have changed. Then we have the flip side of that, which would be a negative significant emotional event. So this could be, for example, somebody comes home and finds their partner in bed. with somebody else. So they've been cheated on. Now prior to that event, in a relationship, it could be that monogamy wasn't even in their awareness. It just wasn't a thing they thought about. And yet off the back of that event, suddenly monogamy, trust, honesty, all of these things become really important to them because of that event. So their values shifted and changed in that moment. Something that never used to be important to them now is. So that is a creation of the value. Now, your values, as I mentioned, give you your motivation. They give you energy. That you, they give you that drive. And there are different types of motivation. There is what's called away from motivation and towards motivation. So let's break these down, starting with away from motivation. Now, away from motivation is created from a negative significant emotional event. Let's say, for example, somebody grew up in a household where their parents struggled with money. There was never enough. And so, security became really important to them. It became a value that was way up there in their hierarchy of criteria, as in it's one of the most important values. So because of that, they then choose to maybe stay in a job or relationship, even if it doesn't make them happy, even if they're not fulfilled, because it fulfills the value of security. They feel secure in that position, so they stay there regardless, because security is more important to them at the unconscious level. So that overrides any desire to maybe go and find a job that fulfills them or a relationship that makes them happy. Security becomes the thing that they look to fulfill first. Now you've probably heard the saying that you get more of what you focus on, um, or what's the other saying? Energy flows where attention goes, and this is where the issue of away from values comes in. Let me give you an example in a different context to explain how this works. So, think of it in terms of health and fitness. Imagine somebody has, A health scare of some description, so it could be that they go to see the doctor and they're told you're borderline type 2 diabetes, or if you carry on the way that you are, X, Y and Z could happen. So that gives them enough motivation to go and take action. Suddenly, maybe, I don't know, weight loss becomes important. So they are motivated to go and do the things that will help them to lose weight. So this could be that they, you know, they start taking action. by going exercising. They start running a couple of times a week. They replace their Friday night takeaway with something healthier, so they start eating more healthy. Maybe they cut out on the alcohol. So they start taking all of these steps to avoid the consequences that will happen if they carry on the way they were. That significant emotional event has given them enough oomph to get away from it. I don't want that thing anymore. I need to avoid it. The thing that's important to them is giving them that energy to go and do that. So they start doing all of the things until eventually they maybe lose a bit of weight, they feel a bit healthier, which is wonderful. Now, here's where the problem comes in. When they get far enough away from the thing that they wanted to avoid, the consequences that they wanted to get away from, the motivation wears off. Because it's no longer painful enough and they've kind of forgotten the reason why they started in the first place So it could be they've lost a bit of weight and then this is where the reasoning comes in. So, oh, you know, I've been good this week I'll just have a couple of drinks. Or I'll only go running twice this week. You know, it's raining outside. Missing one session won't hurt. Until bit by bit by bit, they get back to the problem. And then the motivation kicks back in again. Oh no, I've put the weight back on. Now I'm going to start exercising again. I'm going to start dieting. I'm going to do whatever it is that I do. This is how yo yo dieting works. This is the cycle of boom and bust when it comes to money. And the problem in this instance is think about where that person's focus is. The focus is on what they don't want, the thing they want to avoid. I don't want to have diabetes, I don't want to be overweight, I don't want to be, fill in the blank. So their whole energy is focused on the thing they want to avoid, and they're motivated by it, yet their focus is on it. And because of this, away from motivation can feel really exhausting. It's got no direction. So it's a constant to ing and fro ing relationship of avoidance. So that's away from motivation. Towards motivation is the flip side of that. So this is when you're motivated towards what it is that you want. You could say this is a positive motivation. So let me explain this using the earlier example in relationships so you know the difference. Imagine somebody comes home and finds their partner in bed with somebody else. So suddenly, honesty, trust, monogamy, all of these things become important to them. Which all sounds okay, and you may be thinking, well those things are important, Sian, and maybe they are if they are your values. Yeah let me share with you some towards values to give you that contrast so you can appreciate the difference. Towards values in relationships may be things like fun, connection, love, happiness. Laughter. Things like that. So, they are focused towards what it is that a person actually wants in a relationship, versus what they want to avoid. Now, it is important to mention here that a value could sound towards. So, for example, somebody could say that connection is important to them. But if you dug deeper to understand why that's important to them, it could be because they don't want to feel disconnected. Because they've had an experience in the past where they didn't have that connection. So although it sounds towards, the drive behind it, the motivation behind it, could actually be away from. They want to avoid not having connection. So it does go a lot deeper than it sounds on the surface. Now, the words in and of themselves can be an indication that a value isn't away from, and it's important to dig a little deeper to understand, is a towards sounding value, is it really driven by an away from motivation? A towards value, has direction, so you're actually heading towards something, whereas an away from value, all you're doing is avoiding the thing that you don't want, so you could end up anywhere. It's got no direction, and this is why people confine themselves in situations and places and experiences and think, how on earth did I end up here? So that's a bit about the motivation and the direction of the motivation behind values. And it goes even deeper than that. So you have your values. And within your values, there can be conflicts. As in, it could be that two things are important to you. And you don't believe that you can have both of them. at the same time. They conflict with each other. So for example, in career, it could be that somebody wants to make money, that's important to them, and freedom is also important. And they don't believe that the two can co exist. So they've got this internal tug of war going on within themselves about the things that are important to them. So they look to fulfill both of them, but those values are in conflict. in and of themselves are in conflict. So it creates an inner turmoil within people. And this is where you can go round and round and round in circles, wondering what's wrong with me. It's no wonder that people get stuck in cycles where they keep looping, creating the same problems, and not understand what it is that's going on. Values are a big subject. So the question is then, how do you uncover your unconscious values? Well, firstly, as I already mentioned, you can look at how do you actually spend your time, because that will give you a good indication of what it is that's important to you. Then you can also sit down, get yourself a pen and paper, and ask yourself, what's important to me about career? What's important to me about career? What's important to me about relationships, or whichever context it is that you're focused on, and ask yourself that question three times. There is a process that takes it even deeper than that, yet for now that's a good starting point. So ask yourself three times what's important to me about, and fill in the blank. and list them in order of importance. So if you could only have one value and not the other, which one would be first? And then again, if you could only have one value and not the other, which one would be second? So you can go through, I know they're all important, they will all be important, they're your values, yet you want to find out which are the most important. Your top five values in any area are the ones that are the most important. They're the ones that really give you the drive. So that's what you want to uncover. Then you can check, are there any values that if I have one, I don't think I can have the other? So are there any conflicts going on where the two can't exist together? And this will give you an indication of where you've maybe got a push pull kind of relationship going on. Using the earlier example, if money and freedom are important, maybe you start making money, but then you think, I don't feel free anymore. So you stop and you lean more into, I Whatever freedom means to you, but then you haven't got the money, so then you go and make the money and there's this whole kind of backwards and forwards going on. even uncovering that will give you an indication about Why your life is the way that it is. It is one of those moments where you elicit your values and you think, Oh yeah, that makes total sense. Even though I don't want this to be important to me. And that is key. This isn't what do I aspire to be important to me? It's what is important to me, even if I don't like it. Cause remember a lot of the programming happened between the age of nought and seven. So there's no judgment around this. There's no right or wrong. It's just what is important to me. And the good thing is that you can absolutely change your values. You can resolve any away from motivation, releasing the negative emotions that are driving it. You can resolve any internal conflicts. All of this stuff can be changed by doing the inner work. This is what I do with my clients. This is what I teach to my students. End, it has a massive impact on people's lives. Now, it is an NLP Master Practitioner topic, it goes way deeper than what we've spoken about today. We've only scratched the surface. So if you are an NLP practitioner, and you want to build your knowledge, you want to take it to the next level, then by all means, get in touch. I am going to be running a Master Practitioner training in the next few months. And there are limited seats. This is a small training, and I only do it once a year. There is a massive difference between practitioner and must practitioner, both in your own personal evolution and also the results that you get with your clients. And there's many other topics that are covered during must practitioner. It's really getting Deep into the unconscious, the stuff that maybe you're not even aware of. Practitioner is amazing for state control, for being able to change the way that you think, for releasing limiting beliefs. Master Practitioner takes it to a whole new level. So if that's something that you're interested in joining me for, then drop me an email, drop me a message on Instagram, let me know and I can share some information with you about it. If you're already a practitioner and you haven't trained with me or you've trained elsewhere and you don't have the Timeline Therapy Accreditation, which is the process that I use to release negative emotions and limiting beliefs, very, very powerful, happens very, very quickly, then I do have an amazing offer for you. If you join me for Master Practitioner, I will also include the Timeline Therapy accreditation, which is valued at 600 on its own, and you'll also have access to the practitioner videos, so you can go through a whole refresh prior to starting Master Practitioner. So, again, drop me a message and I can tell you more about that. Now, you may be thinking, Sian, this all sounds fabulous. I totally get it. And I don't want to learn about it. I just want somebody to do it with me. I want to get the results. I don't want to have the knowledge and get an accreditation. So if that's you and you want to change your values, you want to clear up the past baggage and be away from motivation and you want to make sure that the values that you have in place are toward and they're fully aligned and support you with your goals, then I can absolutely work with you one to one. Again, you can head to my website for that, book a discovery call, links are in the show notes, or you can drop me a message. And if this has piqued your interest and you're thinking, wow, you can release negative emotions. You can release limiting beliefs and you can do it all quickly. I want to know more. Then you can absolutely come and join me for a free session that I'll be holding over the next few weeks, where I will be taking you through the process to release a limiting belief. So we'll be working with a single belief, yet a single belief could be something as big as, I am not worthy. I am not good enough. I'll never succeed. Something that has a major impact in your life in many, many areas. So you are welcome to come and join me for the free session. Again, drop me a message, send me an email. Hello at I am seanhill. com. Links in the show notes to let me know that you want to come and join me and say, it's a free session where we'll be spending the time releasing a belief so you can experience it for yourself and how powerful and how quick it is. Anyway, that feels like it's been a jam packed episode with a lot of information, possibly some things that you'll want to go back and listen to again, and then let me know what do you discover about yourself? What values do you uncover that maybe you didn't even realize were present? What values are missing that could explain why it is you're not getting the results that you want? And of course, ask me any questions that you have. I'm here to support you. And in the meantime, have an amazing week. I'll see you next time.