#YNF EP09 - Ghosting & Mental Health

Brittany describes the mental & emotional effects of being ghosted, provides insight on why people might be prone to ghost their relationships, and shares her experiences.

To support Haiti:
Convoy of Hope | Nonprofit | Humanitarian Organization
Responding to the Earthquake - Hope for Haiti
Breaking the Cycle of Poverty Across Haiti- FONKOZE

To support Louisiana:
Mercy Chefs – Feeding Body and Soul
GlobalGiving: donate to charity projects around the world
United Way of Southeast Louisiana | (unitedwaysela.org)

To support Afghanistan:
Convoy of Hope, Global Giving, & Afghanistan | International Rescue Committee (IRC)

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:14

[inaudible]

Speaker 2: 0:14

Hey everyone. Welcome back to the urinal finished podcast. My name is Brittany Franklin and I'm the host of this podcast. And today I'm not going to have a trigger warning at the beginning of the episode, unless the topic of ghosting causes you emotional or mental distress, then of course, please refrain from listening or listen with caution. If it does now,

Speaker 3: 0:37

Before I go any further, I want to acknowledge the losses that people are experiencing right now in Haiti and Louisiana, as well as the war and violence and loss taking place in Afghanistan. I am praying for and standing with everyone affected by what's going on in those areas of the world. And if you want to help, you can send a donation for Haiti to organizations like convoy of hope, hope for Haiti and Fonzo that's F O N Z O K E for Louisiana. You can donate to mercy chefs, global giving and the United way of Southeast Louisiana. And if you want to support the people of Afghanistan, you can donate through the international rescue committee if you're listening via YouTube, but those links will be in the description below. If you're listening through any other digital platform, I will include those links in the description. So we're just going to jump right into it. Um, I'm going to start the episode off by reading a text. I received from a former friend in 2014. Before you wonder why I still have this text. I discovered that Google voice literally never deletes texts unless you do so manually or more than likely. I just didn't set the text to delete automatically after a certain time period. Um, in normal circumstances, you would obviously want old texts to be deleted, especially if you no longer talk to the person you were once connected to, which is the case for this message, but for the purpose of healing, I'm actually glad I have this. So I was ruminating when I found this, which I would not recommend for obvious reasons, but I thought I would share this since it still has relevance today. So after this message and through this experience, I want to share some of the effects of this experience, what I've learned from this experience and what the effects of ghosting are in general. Now, to give you some context, this person and I were talking about another individual that I was struggling in friendship with, and this was their advice to me. Okay? So here we go. They said, I think that forgiveness is a solitary action, not dependent on the recipient, but reconciliation takes two willing parties. And I don't know if I have all the ingredients needed for reconciliation right now. I think that forgiving is releasing. And maybe right now you need to release them to be who and what they feel they need to be and work on healing wounds. They may have caused a reopened because I'll say it, it all hurts all of it to let someone in deep and for it to go the way it's gone, it hurts deep. I think you should allow yourself the space to mourn your loss more than what it was and what you thought it would be as far as we're concerned. I love you. And I meant what I said, that last sentence that they texted me was their reassurance to me that our friendship would be just fine. And I really think they meant that at the time. I really do not think that either one of us thought that the friendship would actually be over, or I didn't think that I would be ghosted by this person twice. Funny enough, though, at the time of reading this message, I missed the indicator that there might be a good chance that this friendship could be over swiftly when they said, I don't know if I have all the ingredients needed for reconciliation right now. And I believe this is true because I trusted in the emotion that I believe to be behind the text rather than the facts that were in it, as good as their advice was about the other friendship involved, their truth was that they didn't have the ingredients for reconciliation or conflict resolution in 2014. And apparently they still didn't have those ingredients in 2018 when our friendship ended. Now, the reason why I'm bringing up this conversation is to demonstrate how it is evident to me that most, if not all people who decide to ghost do not have the ability or maybe even a desire to reconcile handle conflict or have difficult conversations, whether they're reconciliation in regards to maintaining the friendship or relationship is the end goal or not. Now, before I go any further, I want to say two important things that I am not saying, first of all, reconciliation with the intent to restore connection is never required, especially when it's unsafe to do so in any friendship or relationship, I'm fully aware that people are well within their right to discontinue any relationship for whatever reason, right or wrong, as long as they do so in a way that is emotionally healthy for both parties involved when it's possible. I also want to say that when it comes to this friendship that I'm referencing in particular, I've accepted what it is now and their choices. So I'm not going to disrespect them for any reason now or ever. And it is definitely not my intent to do so by talking about this experience. So just to make it clear of this person, or I guess to this person, I will say, as someone who tries to reconcile, I hold you back from being who and what you feel you need to be. So I respect you and I release you. I love you. I forgive you. And I mean, what I say, I can also say that knowing that I have knowledge to both you and myself, my role in things ending, as you should know, and I have no problem apologizing here again. So it's clear for whoever listens that it's important to take responsibility whenever necessary or applicable. And I have to be a hundred percent transparent. I've even goes to people, myself by isolating, due to not believing that I had the mental or emotional capacity to be somebody's friend or the friend that they needed in the moment during depressive episodes or moments of extreme mental distress and anxiety. And I've taken step backwards in my relationships with people due to being triggered by past experiences or in an attempt to protect myself. So with all of that said, I think it's important to go more into depth about ghosting in general, especially from a psychological standpoint, because it does have an effect on your mental health and on your current and future relationships. So in an article on psych central.com, Dr. Lori Lauryn's a clinical psychologist in Hawaii says ghosting people is a coping mechanism. It's often done as a psychological tool to protect the one who's ghosting. Often it's a shortcut to avoid difficult relational dynamics. I found this on another article posted on psychology today, which says ghosting is a fear-driven choice that fosters emotional immaturity and chronic fears of intimacy, ghosting, lowers, emotional resilience, resulting in relationships that remain fragile and unstable ghosting inflames feelings of guilt and shame that lower self-esteem and increased symptoms of anxiety and depression. I also want to continue by sharing part of an amazing article, which is also on psychology today by Dr. Jeanice.[inaudible] probably saying that wrong, but she says, and I'll do some paraphrasing here and there to try to keep things short. She says social rejection active, it's the same pain pathways in the brain as physical pain. There are some specific factors about ghosting that can contribute to psychological distress. For example, when you're ghosted, you're not sure how to react to the situation without answers as to why someone has disappeared. You may worry about their wellbeing, wonder what you did wrong, or wonder why you didn't see this coming, or even question your own value. Now, I want to quote this directly because I believe that this perfectly sums everything up here. She says, and this is Dr. Vil hour. Again, ghosting is the ultimate use of the silent treatment, a tactic that is often been viewed by mental health professionals as a form of emotional cruelty. It essentially renders you powerless and leaves you with no opportunity to ask questions or be provided with information that would help you emotionally processed. They experience it silences you and prevents you from expressing your emotions and being heard, which is important for maintaining your self esteem. Regardless of the ghosters intent, ghosting is a passive aggressive interpersonal tactic that can leave psychological bruises and scars. And I have to say that really resonates with the experience that I had. And I'm sure it does for those of you who either know the pain of being ghosted or have been the ghoster. I want to add to that, in my opinion, ghosting strips people from the opportunity to mature as a person for both the person who wants the relationship to end and the person at the other end of it, it strips people from being made aware of and accountable for any harmful thoughts or actions they might have, have, or do. And it removes the opportunity to apologize or makeup for any wrongdoings, if possible, because in these cases, the ghoster doesn't have the emotional maturity to have the hard conversations I said this earlier, but I really want to reiterate that I'm not saying that having the hard conversations with people, it doesn't mean you're automatically remain connected to them, especially if people are unapologetic or unwilling to see things from a different perspective, or if the relationship is just unsafe. But what I am saying is those hard conversations and moments of conflict are almost always in one way or another, the starting point for personal growth that have positive effects on your life and your interpersonal relationships in general, it's especially helpful in practicing good and safe communication with friends and loved ones for advice on dealing with being ghosted. I'm going to remind you of what my former friends said to me, forgive and release, release them to be who they feel like they want or need to be and work on those wounds that their might have caused the reopened more than what it was and what you thought it would be. I'll add to that. You might have to forgive and release repeatedly depending on the closeness or the history of the relationship. And also don't attach yourself worth to the actions of someone who didn't think you were worth the conversation focus on who stayed, not who left and focus on the fact that you're still here and have been given another day to love others and yourself. Well, I would also recommend seeking comfort and counseling with a safe friend and a licensed therapist. If being ghosted has had a significant impact on your mental and emotional wellbeing and your relationships. I know that realistically with so much going on in the world and in our personal lives, it can be really hard to stay connected to others, especially with COVID-19, but we really do need people and they really need us. We need our friends, we need our loved ones, and we can't do life all by ourselves, especially those of us who struggle in our mental health. I want to end this with a Bible verse that I think will really sum this up, especially in the area of friendship. Proverbs 17, 17 says a friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity. I really hope that the information and the experience and the scripture that I shared can help you in the area of your friendships and relationships, or if you're dealing with someone who goes to you, or if you have a tendency to ghost other people, um, I really hope this is helpful to you. So if you're listening to this on YouTube, I will post the article links in the description below so that you can take a look at them for yourself and find the sources cited. Um, but yeah, that's it for today's episode. Next time I will finally be talking about spiritual abuse and how it takes a toll on mental, emotional, and spiritual health. If you need additional resources for mental health addiction and suicide, head over to www dot you're not finished.com and click the get help section. If you want to share your story or your journey as someone with a diagnosis, mental health or mood disorder to be shared publicly or anonymously on

Speaker 2: 14:14

The Y and F website, shoot me an email to you're not finished@gmail.com and make sure to follow me on Twitter at Y in finished and on Instagram at YF F cast stay up to date on latest episodes and for encouraging content. And I will see you again next time. Thank you so much for listening and I hope you have a great name.