271: Surrendering in Recovery

What does it mean to surrender in recovery?

How do you surrender in recovery?

Today on the podcast, Dr. Greg Miller is joined with Faithful & True’s Elizabeth Hardesty.

Listen as they discuss the importance of surrendering to the process of recovery and what that looks like.

Transcript

Dr. Greg Miller:
Yeah. One of the things that is true is when we are in our anxiety and fear… I’ve heard it said—and I say—that anxiety and fear are indicators that we perceive ourselves as unsafe. They’re kind of like warning lights on the dashboard that something is going on: I don’t feel safe in this moment, or I don’t perceive myself as safe in this moment.

And one of the ways we try to create safety is through control. I often tell the men at the workshop: if anybody’s ever called you a controlling person—if they’ve called you a control freak—that’s simply an indicator of how unsafe you feel in your own life.

So the great irony is what is so counterintuitive: when I’m feeling anxious because I feel unsafe, I want to take control. And what we’re actually talking about is counterintuitive. Instead of trying to take control of something I can’t control, it is surrendering to my out-of-control-ness.

Randy Everett:
Welcome to the Faithful and True Podcast. I’m Randy Everett, your co-host, and we’re happy to be here today with our usual host, Dr. Greg Miller. Greg, you’re looking great in purple.

Dr. Greg Miller:
Well, thank you very much.

Randy Everett:
And our special guest today is right here from our Faithful and True team, Elizabeth Hardesty.

Elizabeth Hardesty:
Hello.

Randy Everett:
Elizabeth, so glad to have you back with us again today. We are here today to talk about a very special subject, and that is the subject of surrender.

Dr. Greg Miller:
Absolutely. And not only is it a special subject, but it’s a very complicated subject—this idea of being able to surrender to what is.

Using the language that we use here at Faithful and True: wise people surrender, whereas survivors acquiesce. And what we’re really wanting to do is have that choice of surrendering to what is—versus just letting our circumstances consume us and define us.

Randy Everett:
I want to hear a little more from you, if you don’t mind, around “acquiesce.” Can you say a little bit more about that?

Dr. Greg Miller:
Yeah. Sometimes we are in a very difficult situation, and instead of choosing to surrender, we passively just acquiesce. And when we do that, it does take away our agency. It can easily move us more into that victim place where I’m letting myself be defined by my circumstances—versus naming and acknowledging my circumstances for whatever is true and then surrendering to that.

There is this aspect of choice. A lot of times we think that surrender is a passive thing, but the reality is surrender occurs when I, in truth, acknowledge my circumstances, name my reality, and then give myself over to what is happening—versus just acquiescing like a wave that’s washing over me where I’m powerless. Surrender actually empowers us.

Elizabeth Hardesty:
That makes me think about a phrase I often hear from women I work with—couples we’ve worked with—where it can come up: “I feel like I’m giving up.” And we often talk about surrender being… it’s not giving up, it’s letting go.

And I think, as you said, it’s nuanced—what’s the difference between the two? But I think there’s that intentional choice: I am choosing to accept the reality of what is. I’m letting go. I’m accepting my powerlessness. I’m accepting the reality of what is and letting go—versus giving up.

Dr. Greg Miller:
Well, and there’s another aspect where we are actually resistant to our reality. We don’t want to engage it. We don’t want to name it. And so we give ourselves this false hope or false belief by not beginning with whatever is true and whatever is real.

That wishful thinking—that kind of magical thinking or fantasy—is when we begin outside of our reality, hoping for something better, when in reality there’s no evidence identifying that something better is going to happen.

It really is challenging to live in truth. But one of the things we talk about is: all truth sets us free, and some truth is painful. Some truth has consequences. But even that truth creates freedom when we embrace it. When we’re resistant to the truth, we step into another falsehood that actually holds us hostage.

Elizabeth Hardesty:
That’s a good way to slow this down a little bit and pause, because I think this comes up a lot in the work we do with women, with men—being able to start to face whatever is true. What is my reality? That can feel like an easy thing to say, but that’s a difficult step.

Dr. Greg Miller:
Oh, absolutely. Especially for women who are just surprised by this information—they are genuinely shocked. It is a new reality, and new reality always takes time to embrace, because there’s this competition between what we thought we knew and now this new information that we’re getting. It takes time to integrate those two things.

I often hear women and men at the beginning of the journey talk about how surreal it is—like this new reality has been created so quickly that I’m not really able to engage it.

Several years ago, for one of my birthdays, I asked for the opportunity to jump out of a plane—a tandem jump with a parachute. Fortunately, all I had to do was jump, and the other person did all the work, for which I’m thankful.

But one of the things I was aware of is the experience was so intense and so quick, I could not stay in the reality of what was going on. It was almost like after we landed and I had an opportunity to think about it, reality caught up with me.

Many times when we get this intense new information, it’s like somebody pushed us out of a plane. All of this stuff is coming at us quickly. So it makes sense: it takes time to get our feet back on the ground again and live into this new reality.

Randy Everett:
Is that when you got scared—after you had already jumped?

Dr. Greg Miller:
I think what’s true is falling out of the plane was so unlike anything I’d ever done. I did not have a context. At the beginning, we were 10,000 feet up, so even the distance felt far. It felt like wind blowing in my face.

I actually had to get closer to the ground and see that we were falling for it to come into context. And again, when new information is coming at us, we have no context to put it in. Our depth perception is blurred. Our ability to see clearly is distorted. So it takes time for reality to catch up with us.

Elizabeth Hardesty:
Absolutely. An example in my own life is my father passed away about eight months ago now. That has been a hard reality. I told someone last week: every morning I wake up and it’s the first thought—“Okay, that’s really true.”

Dr. Greg Miller:
And I hear stories of waking up and you forget it for a moment, and then something reminds you that he is no longer with you.

For women who have been given new information about betrayal, it’s like they can wake up and for a moment forget what’s going on, and then suddenly they’re consumed with the reality and the experience again.

So as we talk about surrender, I do think it starts with our ability—as best as possible—to live in the truth.

And what’s also a part of this is we tend to swing toward minimizing it—“it’s no big deal”—and that’s one of the things we work with men on a lot because it’s their tendency to minimize.

But the other end of the continuum is to catastrophize it. One way we know we’re catastrophizing is that there is no hope. I often say: if you’re not experiencing hope, somehow you are outside of the truth. Because of who God is, no matter what our circumstances are, there is still hope.

So we can either minimize it or catastrophize it. One of the most difficult things to do is just to right-size it. Another way to say right-size it is: live in the reality of it—in the moment of it.

Elizabeth Hardesty:
In some ways, just being present to where you are right now—in this moment, the reality of this moment. What is true in this moment?

Dr. Greg Miller:
Exactly. And as we talk about surrendering, we talk about living in this reality—knowing it’s challenging and it takes time.

Part of this is getting clear about what we are powerless over. We talk a lot about agency—there’s so much we have agency around, so much we can do.

And there are many things in this journey that we are powerless over. I am powerless over somebody else’s choices. I am powerless over somebody else’s circumstances. And in some cases, I’m powerless over my own circumstances if something came my way that I didn’t choose or didn’t want.

So the clearer I get about my powerlessness, the clearer I get about what I need to surrender to. But naming that powerlessness is incredibly scary.

Elizabeth Hardesty:
Absolutely. And the need to slow all of that down—to become aware of what is my reality, and then what in that do I have power and choice and agency over, and what do I not?

It’s really that Serenity Prayer: what can I control, what can I not control, and the wisdom to know the difference. And that wisdom piece can take time and discernment.

Dr. Greg Miller:
Yes. And I may be out of control of somebody else’s choice, but what I do have some control over is how I’m going to live in my powerlessness over somebody else’s choice. That’s where agency comes in.

So I may surrender to the fact that I have no power over whatever choice my spouse is going to make, but I do have agency as I determine how I want to live—no matter what my spouse’s choice may be.

Elizabeth Hardesty:
And I think it really can become such a prayer: first, what is the reality I need to see and face? And then, God—what do you have for me? What choices can I make? What options do I have? What are you asking me to release, and what are you asking me to take on?

Dr. Greg Miller:
And one of the things that is true is when we are in our anxiety and fear—anxiety and fear are indicators that we perceive ourselves as unsafe. They’re warning lights. One of the ways we try to create safety is through control.

If anybody’s ever called you controlling or a control freak, that’s an indicator of how unsafe you feel in your own life.

So the great irony—what’s counterintuitive—is when I feel anxious because I feel unsafe, I want to take control. But instead of trying to take control of something I can’t control, it is surrendering to my out-of-control-ness.

Elizabeth Hardesty:
Yep. It feels counterintuitive. It feels crazy—and yet it’s so powerful.

It’s like when you’re driving and you hit ice. They tell you what to do and it feels counterintuitive because you want to do everything else. When your car goes into a spin, you’re supposed to turn in the direction of the spin.

It’s like being caught in a rip tide—what do you want to do? You want to fight it, swim against it, and you’re going to wear yourself out. Most likely you’ll go under. Versus going with it and swimming sideways—don’t swim against the current. Trust the flow of where it’s taking you, and eventually you can get your way back to shore.

Dr. Greg Miller:
What a powerful thing to say: to trust where it is taking you. That is one of the hardest things on this journey.

I use this imagery: it’s like when you are whitewater rafting. You’re going to go where you’re going to go. The river is going to take you downstream.

However, you still have choices about how you’re going to navigate the currents. The wise person goes with the flow—recognizing the current is going to win—but I can choose how I want to navigate the rapids so I can survive the journey.

And that little bit of wisdom in how to navigate the rapids is so appropriate to what we’re talking about. We’re in a situation that’s going to take us where it’s going to go. The choice is: how do I want to move through this? What are my options?

Elizabeth Hardesty:
And I think about the analogy of being in the river—when we feel unsafe, we want control. So what are some of my options? What are some tools I can put on my tool belt that will help me feel safer as I’m going down this road?

Community is a big one—your life vest. Having your oar. Having a good whitewater guide.

Dr. Greg Miller:
Beth and the boys and I have done a couple of these whitewater trips. It’s great to be there together, but it is very empowering to know there’s somebody in the boat with you who has gone down the river many times and knows what they’re doing. They’ve got a general sense of where we’re going.

So there are resources and things that help us go down the river better. But it is surrendering to: this is the direction we’re going. Swimming upstream is going to be futile—even though everything in us wants to do that.

But trusting the process, trusting where it is taking you, believing there is still hope no matter what our circumstances are.

Elizabeth Hardesty:
Yes—there is still hope. That where it’s carrying you is going to be good. That can be hard to see sometimes along the way.

Dr. Greg Miller:
That’s why we need other people, especially in the early days, who are familiar with the journey. They can encourage us and support us and have hope for us when we’re unable to have hope for ourselves.

So part of this surrender thing—and the difference between surrender and acquiescing—is: in surrendering we get clear about what choices we do have and what choices we don’t have.

We get clear about where we can apply agency and where it can make a difference.

Wise adults always have choices. They may not like the choices they have. The choices may seem really difficult. And we still have choices.

So if a person feels trapped, that’s a good indication that they’re in their survivor and they’re not seeing all the choices they have.

Part of surrender is recognizing: what is my circumstance? Where am I powerless? Where do I have agency? And how do I want to steward that agency so I can navigate this journey well?

Elizabeth Hardesty:
And there can be moments where we feel overwhelmed and it’s difficult to see what those choices are. That’s where a helpful guide is great—or even safe community: putting it out there—“What are my choices? I feel stuck. I feel overwhelmed. I don’t know where to go.”

Others can put potential options on the table, and then we can assess: are any of those ringing true for me for just the next step?

Dr. Greg Miller:
Here’s an example from our context. Let’s say a wife comes to you in an appointment or group and says: “My husband has decided he’s done enough in recovery. He doesn’t want to go to appointments anymore. He doesn’t want to be part of his group anymore. He thinks he’s done.

“I have a lot of anxiety about that because I still see some things in him that concern me. I feel overwhelmed. I feel hopeless.” What might encouragement look like for her?

Elizabeth Hardesty:
This is a very real example. I’m working with a few women in this exact scenario.

First, it’s permission to grieve—permission to validate that this is a hard place to be in. And for quite a few women, they flail against that reality for a while: wishful thinking, hopeful thinking, “Maybe if I say it this way, he’ll be willing.”

And coming to the place finally of: “Okay. I can’t. I am powerless. There’s nothing I can do or say that will make another person change.”

Then it comes back to my own hoop: accepting what is, and what are my options from here?

I was talking to a wife recently in this exact scenario. She’s doubling down in her own recovery: “I am powerless over that and I have to let him be where he is. But in the meantime, what choices do I have? What is grounding for me? What creates safety for me? What creates stability for me? How do I work through my own traumas?”

Not to punish him, not to teach him a lesson—just to say: “I am powerless over that, but I am not powerless over this.”

Dr. Greg Miller:
And one of the things we have agency to do is create boundaries when we are in relationship with someone that we perceive is making choices that are unsafe.

I may not be able to change what they are doing, but I can begin to create boundaries for myself so that I can find safety in the context of a situation that feels unsafe.

That little shift—“What can I do? How do I live in this space?”—is so important when we’re helping people find options.

Another part is living in the reality of today. Right now he’s resistant. Right now he’s not wanting to do these things. And that doesn’t mean he will always be where he is now. At one point he may change.

We often talk about future-tripping. Part of our anxiety is trying to make decisions about what we’re going to do in a year—and we don’t have all the information we need. We don’t have a year’s worth of information to make that choice.

So sometimes surrender is right-sizing it: “I’m surrendering today.” Maybe I need to make plans if this continues for a week or a month. But trying to live my life in the future—that’s part of that control piece where I’m trying to manage outcomes I don’t even know yet.

So: this is where he is now. He’s not making choices that I think are wise. How do I live in this moment? That’s part of surrender.

Elizabeth Hardesty:
Absolutely. And this applies to every person who comes through the door here. It applies to women navigating their healing journey and steps. I’m mindful of the men coming in for the Men’s Journey Workshop as well.

This applies to their own powerlessness around their sexual behaviors and addiction—accepting the reality of what is and not looking too far into sobriety and recovery, but asking: what are the next right steps along the way?

Dr. Greg Miller:
Right. The first step is that surrender step: “I admit my powerlessness over this behavior or this substance.”

Sometimes we misinterpret that and someone says, “Well, if I’m powerless over it, I can’t stop it.” What I want people to understand is: I am powerless in my addiction, and I am powerful in my recovery. That’s where I find my agency.

But understanding the significant role this has played in my life—the way it has controlled me—is part of the beginning of surrender. That’s why the first step is admitting our powerlessness and surrendering to that truth and reality, so then we can make wise decisions about how we want to live going forward.

Surrender is not weakness. Sometimes we see surrender as passive, but surrender is empowerment through truth—living in my truth and making the wisest decisions I can based on what is going on.

For those afraid surrender means giving up: I don’t think surrender is giving up. I think surrender is choosing to move forward with whatever your options and possibilities are.

Elizabeth Hardesty:
It’s definitely not weakness. It takes trust. It takes courage. It takes bravery to pry our fingers—one at a time—off of whatever we’re holding on to.

Okay, I’m going to do what I can, but also go with the flow. It’s like a secret portal into a whole new world sometimes. I didn’t know there was a world like this. I’ve been trying to swim upstream the whole time. Had no idea that if I allow it to carry me, where it’s going to take me might be somewhere unexpected.

Dr. Greg Miller:
Another image I use is those old Tarzan movies—when Tarzan is swinging from vine to vine. There’s a place where you have to let go of the old vine so that you can grab the new vine.

That’s an image of surrender. If you’re trying to figure out where you’re struggling to surrender, a great question is: Where am I clinging? Where am I holding on? What am I gripping that I’m afraid to let go of?

Some of it can be: I’m afraid to let go of my image. I’m afraid to let go of some aspect of my story. I’m afraid to let go of my control. But until I’m willing to let go, that surrender piece is difficult.

Beth has this magnet on our refrigerator that says something like: “Either let go or be dragged.” And I think those are the options. If we aren’t willing to let go of something, it will drag us. And letting go is part of surrender.

Elizabeth Hardesty:
That’s powerful. It continues to have so much power over us, right? We keep giving whatever that thing is—control, addiction—so much power over us, versus flipping that script.

Dr. Greg Miller:
And I know for a lot of men who come to our workshop, one of the things they’re struggling to let go of is their image—how they are perceived, their reputation, what people think about them. I understand that. We put so much of our sense of value, identity, and safety in how other people perceive us.

But when I get to the place where I’m willing to surrender and let go of my image—so I can live in truth—that’s where I’m going to find the freedom that I desire. Breakthrough.

Randy Everett:
Very good. Well, that’s a great subject. I didn’t think we were going to get into Tarzan quotes today.

But you never know where the podcast is going to take us.

We’d like to thank you all for joining us today. We hope today’s podcast has struck a chord with you and given you some deeper understanding about the subject of surrender.

We hope that you’ll visit our website, faithfulandtrue.com, where you’ll find many resources available to you, as well as additional podcasts like this one—too many to count—many there to help you on your healing journey.

We also have information and online registration available for our 3-day intensive workshops. We host the Men’s Journey Workshop every month. We have the Women’s Journey Workshop quarterly.

And then we have two different varieties of our Couples Journey Workshops. The information for those is all on the website, and you can call our office for registration for those Couples Journey Workshops. The other two are available online.

In the meantime, we’d like to thank you again for joining us. We hope that this coming week will be a week for you filled with many blessings and with great vision.