Ep. 33: Perfectionist Fantasies

On episode 33, we are going to be talking about Perfectionism. Perfectionism is so common in this culture and it's really just a desire to want to avoid failure and judgement. Sounds nice right? 

But so often we get caught up in elaborate schemes to make things "perfect" before we take any action that we never actually launch or get out there in the world - so we end up with little to no real results. We basically fail ahead of time - we guarantee failure by getting so caught up in the "how" verses just getting out there, taking action by doing & trying. 

On this episode you will learn:

• What perfectionism is & how it stops you from taking action
• How "perfect" is just a self-defined idea and is actually different in each person's brain
• How to shift from being stuck in perfectionism to taking your power back and getting sh*t down in your life you desire

Follow me on Instagram @katweissner and check out my website at www.klwcoaching.com

By listening to this podcast you agree to the following Disclaimer: https://klwcoaching.com/disclaimer/

The Wildly Confident Podcast, LLC is a wholly owned subsidiary of KLW Coaching, LLC, all rights reserved. 

Transcript

Speaker 1 0:49

Hey, all I'm super excited. You're here. We are going to be talking about perfectionism. You might already know you have it. You might think you have it. This might not be for you, but you have a friend you wanna help with it. Listen, in this, one's gonna be super fun. Perfectionism is so common in this culture, and it's really just a desire to want to avoid failure or judgment. That's really the nature of perfectionism. We want to appear a certain way or, or be a certain way in order to avoid the feeling of failure or to avoid our own self-judgment. We think it has to do with avoiding other people's judge of us. We think if we perform a certain way, if we control the way that we are, if we can control the way that we're built by telling parts of us that that's not good enough, or we shouldn't be that way. So we think that by basically abandoning parts of us, such an interesting concept, we will be more lovable by others, but of course we can't read other people's minds. And since we can't do that, we actually will never know if we're more lovable or not. The only thing we know for sure is what we can feel inside. And of course, whether or not we love ourselves. And so often when we're coming from a place of wanting to be perfect of wanting to avoid failure or to control what other people think about us to avoid judgment, we're really just trying to control our own internal judgment. We're trying to control our own emotions because we don't really love ourselves all the way we don't fully love ourselves. So perfectionism is just a number, another one of those great mentors, great guides, uh, where we notice where it's coming up in our life. When we notice perfectionist tendencies, which I'm gonna talk about in a little bit, that that part of our life, we might not love ourself so much. We might be a little afraid that if we're authentic in that part of our life, if we, and in our full power, in that part of our life, that we might judge ourselves. And if you're getting all caught up on, if the idea that other people, if we're not perfect, other people will judge us. I just wanna tell you being in the position I am, I hear all sorts of stories from people all the time, all sorts of belief systems being a life coach. And I can tell you,<laugh> also just from my own experience that we can never really guess what's going on in somebody's head. And actually sometimes if we show up and what we think is a perfect way, that might be not the perfect way for them. So what we think we got an a plus and they should love us. That person might just be like so angry at what we're doing, cuz we triggered something in them and it can be very confusing. Again, we cannot control other people's thoughts or emotions about us ever, ever, ever<laugh>. And if that is at all in your logic on why you're wanting to be perfect or behave a certain way, we know that we have a fundamental issue right there. We know that that is simply not true. You can't control other people's emotions and thoughts, but you can work on learning to love your own emotions and thoughts, learning how to nurture and have compassion for them. So the real gift and perfectionism, when you know, it's showing up, when you know that it's showing up in your life is again connecting into what part of me doesn't feel loved. What part of me is afraid right now? What part of me is afraid of feeling failure, afraid of self judgment. That's really what perfectionism is. It's afraid of you internally judging yourself. And often these perfectionist tendencies came again from the culture we are raised in it's the culture again, where we're told from a young age that we should be a certain way. We're not good enough. We're not really appreciated for authentic self. And there's a lot of scarcity in this culture. And again, it's not your fault that you have some of these perfectionist tendencies, but you do have an ability in this lifetime to help transform them. So beautiful. And that is part of what I'm gonna be talking about today. So I've had plenty of clients in my life and I've also had some of the, these own, some of these thoughts myself, about all the things I need to have in order to get the things I want in my life. Now these are perfectionist. Fantasies is what I call them. So for example, you might have a perfectionist fantasy that you need to have this like perfect website with this great mess. You have to have like a concise program at the right price point. And if you do all of these things, magic, you will have succeeded. You can avoid any sort of discomforts, any sort of emotional discomfort you might feel. And your ideal clients will just show up for you. And that that day<laugh>, if that is all you do, if all you do is build your website and you build your beautiful program and you get your message together and you do all these things, you know, your, your, I, I do not believe your ideal clients will suddenly show up because you're missing out a huge part of the equation, which is actually telling people about your program and getting enough of an audience and or order to sell, get enough visibility and a perfectionist fantasy what's happening is at least some of my clients. And I've seen this, you know, even people who aren't my clients, they have this idea that, well, they're not gonna go out to sell yet. They're not gonna tell people really go promote what they're doing yet, because they don't have it together yet because it's, they have this internalized judgment that it needs to look fancy, or it needs to look, you know, polished or whatever their brain is telling them. It needs to look. So first off, if you were stuck in that place on anywhere in your life, it might even be, let's say with your body. I know people that have been struggling with weight issues for like 20 years in their life. And they don't think that they can go on a beach vacation until they get to the point where they feel good about their body. I know people that don't wanna go out and date until they get more in shape, they have this judgment. And the first thing I wanna point out to the, these people who don't wanna launch their programs or their new business that are worried about going on vacation that are worried about dating, is that their definitions of perfect or where they think they should be is all coming from inside them. It's all coming from inside you. I think sometimes we get confused and we think there's like a rule book out there about how things are supposed to be done. And if we follow that rule book, we're gonna be successful, but there is no rule book. There is no rule book to dating there. Isn't like, if you do exactly all these things, you'll find the love of your life. There is no create your perfect program and website and all, all this stuff. And then all your ideal clients come and that's like magic. And it works every time. No, that is not how it works.<laugh> the way it works. In my opinion is you have to go out there and take action in the world and connect with people, you know, in business, that's connecting and selling and having visibility. And it's this same thing in dating, right? It's all about visibility. It's all about getting out there and meeting people. You know, I, I like to say like for my clients, when I help them with dating stuff, I'm always like, Hey, you just gotta go on. You know, it's not about being perfect on those dates. It's about going on enough dates and being clear about what you want. So it's about clear, the end result. It's about being clear on what sort of business you wanna have for yourself and really making sure that, you know, what you desire, like how many hours that you're really looking to work. What sort of clients do you wanna work with? What topics generally do you wanna work with? And that can get refined as you go along for dating. It's like, what sort of relationship do I wanna be in? Who do I wanna date? Like just basic things like that. And then it's the process of going out there and actually taking the action to date or to sell<laugh> to be visible, to get in front of people that actually will buy from you. And your definition of perfect is so different from somebody else's. And it doesn't mean they're not gonna buy from you. If you don't have have a website, it doesn't mean you're not the people aren't gonna wanna date you. If you don't have the quote unquote perfect body, you imagine because your body, the way it is might be exactly what someone else is looking for. It might be exactly what needs to happen in life. So all of our perfectionist fantasies are always made up definitions and rule books, own head, and we have the power to change them. Isn't that wonderful. You don't have to have a website to make money or a beautiful message or a program. And even if you have all those things, there's no magic pill that that's gonna work. There's no a hundred percent guarantee that's going to work. In fact, I would bet that it probably doesn't work because who are you gonna sell it to? And you know, when people have that idea of like having to get all these perfect things done, it's such an unattainable task. In fact, their brain almost makes it unattainable because their brain is so afraid to failure. So as soon as they finish the website and they get the program, they get the message together. Then it's like their Instagram. Account's not perfect. So they're, they can't really start doing their visibility in sales work. So then they have to get that right. There's always like one more thing that gets added on, and this is a protection is strategy to help you avoid feeling negative emotions, help you avoid your own self-judgment and failure. So basically you're trying to avoid failure by doing all of these right, quote unquote, three things your brain is telling you to do again, those aren't the rules for life. They're just the rules. Your brain has come up with to try to protect you from negative emotions, negative self judge, judgment that you have inside of you. Which again, isn't a fact, it's not a rule. You can change those judgements. You can change what you think about yourself. You can change your rule book about what it means to be successful, but basically what these people are doing, who are stuck in these perfectionist fantasies is they're failing ahead of time by delay in getting out there and living their dream. So they're basically, instead of maybe having failure by getting out there and doing things, maybe, maybe not having failure in it, they're guaranteeing failure by being stuck in a spin cycle of perfectionist to-do list items and never really getting out there and starting to live the dream. So here are a few antidotes or tools you can use to help yourself. If you are noticing you've some of these perfectionist fantasies or perfectionist tendencies, the th first thing I always recommend to people is to get really clear on their rule book on when they think they'll be ready to launch something in their business or take their business to the next level. So write out what those different steps are. And if a lot of the steps are all about avoiding failure or all about creating something like that's like, perfect, see, you don't have to feel negative emotions. Then I am really gonna suggest in that case, you should hire a coach.<laugh> I, you don't have to obviously, but I think this is exactly where a coach can come in and help you redefine what that means and hold you accountable to get, get, getting more balance in your life and starting to see that some of that per those perfectionist ideas you have are not helping your business go to the next level. In fact, it's keeping you stagnant and there's really, really, it will be really hard or really no way for you to go to the next level, without getting some external opinions. I think some things to help you expand. Another thing you can do, if you don't wanna hire a coach is get into like a mastermind, get in with other businesses. Other other people who have the same business as you, and just start to pick their brain about what they're doing. You're gonna start to notice that other people who are a level above you are not stuck in this perfectionist mindset, or if they are it's in certain areas, but not in the same as yours. And so you can also figure out how to expand outta this perfectionist state and expand your definition of what it means to be able to be ready, to launch, to be successful by hearing about what other people's definitions are, who are already successful. And the last tool's a little unconventional, but I've seen it work with people. And so I think the opposite of being a perfectionist is being empowered. It's about standing in your own power, authentic authentically. And so the way to get back into a state of empowerment is listening to your own desire, figuring out what you desire in your life and connecting in with that as a practice every day. And I always just suggest people start out small here, just keep a little desire journal and write down just a few things you desire every day, and then go ahead and do those things. So it might be as small as going and getting a latte and eating a piece of chocolate. And it might be a lot bigger than that, but by learning to meet our own desires and learning how to please ourselves without judgment, that is a great way to help expand out some of your views around perfectionism a perfectionist fantasy. So that is my little tip and secret desire is really power seeking to manifest. So if we're looking to bring more empowerment, power into our life, tap into some desire in your life and just do small practices to start. And before you know it, you'll be stepping and to some big stuff. And<laugh>, you know, that's how big things happen in your life. How, how big changes, um, successful businesses happen often is really getting alignment with your desire. And then you have the energy of that empowerment behind it. Thank you for coming. I hope you come back next week. I'm gonna end podcast with this beautiful quote from Theodore Roosevelt that I have had hanging up in many, many offices of mine over the last 15 years. Here it is. It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood who strives valiantly, who HES, who comes short again and again, because

Speaker 2 15:39

There is no effort without error and shortcoming, but who does actually strive to do the deeds? Who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions who spends himself in a worthy cause who at the best knows in the end, the triumph of high achievement, a and who at the worst, if he fails at least fails while daring greatly so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.