Choosing Your Discomfort

Following Your Dreams, Honest Obituaries, and Relationship Advice

In this episode of the M3 BearCast, host Malcolm Travers discusses the challenges of following one's dreams while balancing a day job. The episode reflects on a conversation from a previous M3 live broadcast regarding a woman struggling with not being an artist, and a TikTok creator's response about finding joy in menial jobs. Malcolm also delves into an unconventional obituary that sparked controversy due to its honest portrayal, exploring themes of legacy and social expectations. Finally, the episode touches on relationship advice, particularly the complexities and emotional struggles in situations. Please share your feedback and reviews, and help the show improve

00:00 Introduction to the M3 BearCast
00:04 Balancing Dreams and Day Jobs
01:08 Finding Joy in Work
01:49 Creative Pursuits and Realizations
03:43 The Reality of Indie Filmmaking
05:09 The Artist's Way and Daily Effort
07:32 Choosing Your Discomfort
09:02 Honesty in Obituaries
14:26 Respectfully Truthful Reflections
19:41 Relationship Advice and Situationships
23:35 Emotions and Decision Making
25:40 Conclusion and Appreciation

Transcript

  📍  Hello, and welcome to the M3 BearCast. My name is Malcolm Travers. In this episode, I'm going to be discussing following your dreams, being an artist and paying the bills at the same time, um, we brought up this conversation in the M3 live broadcast. I believe it was on July 31st. And it was a video of a woman who worked at the post office and she does like a And that morning she was despondent with the idea that she was a clerk at the post office and not an artist.

And we discussed a response to that video of a author and TikTok creator who's fairly successful, just rebutting the idea that you have to be sad about having a menial job. And he discussed his time working at Dairy Queen when he was a young man. And trying to find some joy in the daily grind of working in fast food.

And he thought about this idea of all the screenplays and books and videos that he had written. He would give up any of his favorite artists for a moment just to have fast food. And of course, a fast food worker is not going to see what they do as integral to someone's day, but it is. And so,  What I think he was getting at is the idea that our attitude towards our work is a choice.

And I think a lot of people make the choice to be dissatisfied with their work because it is a form of rebellion. That isn't to say that working at a fast food place, isn't, you know, difficult that the hours are bad. The work is hard. Um,  the money is awful and it's a struggle. But at the same time, not recognizing what you do is in a way, choosing to be upset about where you are. And this in some ways makes sense, right? Like if you are upset with where you are, maybe you'll be more motivated to strive for something more. And there is some truth to that. But there's also truth in the sense that if you are working at a place That is beating you down and you want to do some art on the side if you want to write or paint or make music you need to have some energy at the end of the day to pursue those creative goals and if you just take your day to be the worst thing that's ever happened to you if you can't see the good and what you do for your community and for the individuals that you're helping on a daily basis you're less likely to have the energy To be creative at the end of the day. And so Some of the conversations that we had around this were very interesting because I think we've all had some creative pursuits that we've had to drop And I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Um, Realizing that you're not cut out to be An artist is not necessarily a bad thing. So Jeff talked about his love of photography. You know, he has a lot of very expensive photography equipment that he bought over the years and he's done some professional photography worked for different people and realized that he had to set that down for his career and I don't think that there's any what he expressed on the show and what we've talked about in the past. I don't think there's any regrets there. And I think that's because he finds a lot of joy in the work that he does for a living. I think there's a lot of purpose and joy in the work that he does. And I think that's sort of the point that I was getting at that if you can find joy in your work, then that can be your identity as well, right? Like I know someone for instance, who would Absolutely find joy in working at the post office to have a job that is stable, where you have benefits that you have the ability to advance, um, that you are a part of the community that, um,  you know, these things are sometimes overlooked, taken for granted, mainly because we might compare ourselves to other people. Thank you. Other people who are doing much better and we don't see necessarily the sacrifices that they made to get to where they are. So when I think about someone who was thinking about going to film school, for instance, they're going to compare themselves to their favorite, their favorite filmmakers, Bob, probably someone who has, um, a large amount of success. You know, they have wide critical acclaim or they actually have quite, um, You know, a large, um, studio backing, you know, large budget films. And I'm thinking about the fact that I know a lot of small indie filmmakers who are doing GoFundMes on a yearly basis to try to fund movies that might have a budget of 50 to a hundred thousand dollars. And when someone thinks about being a filmmaker, that is not what they're really thinking about. But when I think of those filmmakers. Who are doing that kind of work. They do it with a great amount of joy, right? They are absolutely enthused at seeing their vision come to life. And I know it's a struggle, but they've, they find joy in it for a lot of people who've imagined going to film school instead of say, uh, something that Greg said, like he was thinking about that for himself, you know, I'm pretty sure that the vision he had for himself. and going to film schools, not being a small indie filmmaker and having to raise funds to make independent films year after year. And yet that's what I think a lot of times happens, you know, that is the life of an artist in some cases. And I remember, um, listening to an audio program. Julia Cameron has this book called The Artist Way and she talks about Having self expression, um, as an artist means you have to have a self to begin with, right? And so there is something outside of your art that you would pursue as a way of having some sort of identity. And she sees it as additive to your creative output, to have a day job, to have people who are Um, who have their own stories, who have their own life outside of your creative pursuits that, you know, can inform the type of art that you create. And, you know, and so I just see it as a choice in some ways. Like, obviously we don't get to choose our circumstances, but in a lot of ways we get to choose our reaction to those circumstances. And so this young woman who's sitting outside the post office despondent about The fact that she's a clerk and not an artist. I mean, she could give up art, you know, if it's not the thing that she wants to pursue or, um, she can find some way to have energy at the end of the day to learn something small. It's, it, it's actually pretty incredible, uh, something that I haven't necessarily pursued in my own life. But after reading some of these books is. A small step forward every day can make a huge difference. And the way that she described it in the artist bay was that the artist and the most productive, creative people that she knows work at it every day. They have a very consistent schedule of output. And that's not really the way that we think about artists. We think of them being erratic and, you know, I iconoclastic, erratic. Different, you know, and maybe they are in their art, but in their output, it's like a day in, day out, self improvement, um, stepping forward, you know, it may take years to figure out how to create just the perfect scene that you enjoy, or, you know, structuring sentences and paragraphs and chapters and in just a certain way is a process that takes time, um, of, you know,  trial and error. And that sort of trial and error requires a consistent input, a consistent effort. And that can definitely come while doing a day job. It's just trying to do everything at once is not really the way, the way to getting there. And so I found that really fascinating. I, uh,  really enjoyed the conversation that we had on The live stream about it. And I think it is just this idea that, um,  we choose the discomfort, um, either by omission or commission, right? It was something that I was listening to in another program that you can have the discomfort of not following your dreams. And that, that sucks. Or you can have the discomfort of following them. You know, the, the daily input is probably uncomfortable. It's probably going to be, um, pretty bad at first to like, you're not going to be working at the level that you want to right away and putting in the work is uncomfortable, especially if you, you want to hang your identity on your output. And when you take a look at it, it's awful, you know, that can have some really negative implications about your identity. But choosing that discomfort is in within your control. And so this idea that this person put forward was that happiness is getting to choose the discomfort. Like life is hard. Life is going to be uncomfortable. But happiness comes if you have the opportunity and the wherewithal to be able to choose the discomfort. You know, because Choosing your discomfort, having a choice in it, have, you know, making that decision. I don't know. It has, um,  don't know. It has some sort of, um,  a way of mitigating the pain, I suppose. Right? Like if it's something you chose, it's easier to accept it. You know, uh, if you know that it's leading to something good or a better, um, outcome, obviously. But even if you fail, there's a choice that you make. And, um, there's something about that I'm going to have to explore later, but I am going to move on to my next topic. 

 So my next topic is going to be on choosing honesty over respect, and I'm just going to play this video that reads a obituary for a man named Mario from Canada. His children wrote this. Take a listen. 

  📍 This obituary generated some controversy, and I think when you hear it, you'll understand why. This is Mario.  It is with mixed emotion that we announce the passing of Mario Greco, who departed from this world on January 25th. While it is customary to remember and honor the lives of those who have left us, it is important to acknowledge the impact they had, even if it was not always positive.

Ready?  Mario was known for their abrasive personality and their knack for making others feel uncomfortable. They had a unique talent for pushing people's buttons and causing unnecessary strife. Their actions often left a trail of hurt, feelings, and strained relationships in their wake.  Despite their less than pleasant demeanor, it is important to recognize that Mario was a complex individual. 

They had their own struggles and insecurities that may have contributed to their behavior. It is a reminder that we should always strive to understand the underlying reasons behind someone's action, even Even if they seem hurtful. While it is tempting to focus solely on the negative aspects of Mario's life, it is crucial to remember that they were human too.

They had their own strengths and accomplishments, albeit cruel. overshadowed by their less desirable traits.  It is important to acknowledge the full spectrum of a person's life, even if it includes moments of difficulty and discord. In the end, Mario's passing serves as a reminder of the importance of kindness and empathy.

It is a call to action for all of us who strive to be better, to treat others with respect and compassion.  To learn from the mistakes of those who came before us. While we may not mourn the loss of Mario in the traditional sense, we can use this opportunity to reflect on the impact we leave on others and strive to leave a positive legacy.

May their soul find peace, and may we all learn from their example, both the good and the bad. Rest in peace, Mario. May your journey beyond this life bring you the understanding and growth that eluded you in this world. world.  Hmm?  As you know, I've read quite a few scorched earth obituaries, and of course they generate controversy.

This is from Canada, and, um, and it did. So, in fact, so much so in fact that the newspaper had to turn off the comment section on this obituary. And then another newspaper in the community did a piece on this and interviewed his kids who wrote the obituary. I will say one thing that if Mario  It's produced smart kids who are good, thoughtful writers who have more than their fair share of empathy, it appears. 

Um, it's brutal, it's brutal, but it's kind of like with a velvet hammer, um, because of the language and because of how ultimately respectful it is, but still sad. Um, so the newspaper, um, interview with the kids who wrote the obituary, I just wanted to,  to share some of the quotes that they had because it seems, Relevant here,  the kids, they said, we want people to know the truth about the type of man that he was.

It was a lifetime of poor choices, not taking responsibility for your actions, blaming others. He was not an honorable man and did not treat people with kindness and respect. The idea of an obit was a struggle to express our sadness. We weren't to share values and accomplishments. There weren't any. To list family members, he either didn't know them, or others removed themselves from his life.

So why bother?  While we could have not written one at all, we decided to move forward as we did, feel the notice of his death was necessary. Why sugarcoat just because society has an expectation?  Most that are complaining may also not be skilled enough to interpret the obit as it was meant. An awakening to reality.

Strangely enough, I have received more positive reactions than not. In fact, a friend thanked me. She is in a similar situation and realized it's okay to be tastefully honest. That says volumes.  Hmm.  Another spicy one from Canada.  So as always with these  kind of risky,  sort of burn it to the ground obituaries, that this isn't really, this is tastefully honest, as they say, I'd be curious.

As to your opinion, generally, when I share these people say that they honor the desire to speak one's truth.  And that's ultimately more important than an airbrushed portrait of somebody who maybe didn't really earn that airbrushing. So,  tips from Mario, from his kids, I say, I agree, tell the complicated story.

We all benefit from it. And side tip, just being practical here, if you can, Squash all your beefs before you die, then you won't have to deal with something like this being said about you. Try to repair as much as you can, if you want to.  So, thanks Mario!

 So what I found interesting about this conversation that we had after this, we played on the live stream was how discomfort.

Um, comes from this sort of obituary, and I think for the reasons that I stated in the live stream has to do with the fact that we tolerate a certain amount of dishonesty when it comes to obituaries and respecting the dead, because I believe that we want to be remembered in his sort of airbrushed way, and we certainly do. We want to have our legacies, our, uh, immortality projects, as some have called it, where we are remembered in ways that are better than we actually lived, and, um, I think that gives us a great deal of comfort. However, for people who are expected to grieve, you know, people who, I don't know, maybe the, they themselves are, Suffering from mental health disorders or challenges that don't allow them to feel grief, or if someone is so mean, so surly, so, um, disrespectful, um, in such a negative presence in someone's life that when they die, it's almost seen as relief, if not outright relief. Someone might feel even more isolated in This in respect that, you know, they don't feel like they do. Oh, that person, you know, because there are other people involved. I think we feel the need to, um, sugarcoat the way things are. But I think in this situation, they are some of the people who might have been closest to him. So it's coming from inside the house. As they might say, the, the call for honesty is coming from the would be most affected by the death of this person and putting it in the paper is saying that we feel you for all those people who are expected to grieve someone who was not respectful to them in life you know you don't necessarily have to feel this sort of Um  Fake respect in, in death.

So take for instance, um, 

There was a, um, article about a,

I remember having this conversation about, um, You know the death of someone close, of a close friend, Where their siblings were expecting them to, um, Have the sort of emotions that they were having, Um, But what they didn't seem to understand was that this person in their life had always been their bully. They had always been, um, the one who felt like they were wrong, that they were the black sheep of the family in a sense, and they would never allow them to forget it. And so when they died, there was a certain amount of grief for their siblings, for grief, for the grief of the people that it did affect. You know, sort of bank shot grief, but directly feeling something, you know, they didn't feel it. And so the thing about this obituary that, um,  I liked was the fact that it made space for people who may not have felt that direct grief and having the expectation for them to feel it. I think the other interesting aspect of this is, um, some of the reactions that we had on the live stream, I was expecting, um, very little pushback on this because I think a lot of people feel relief when this happens, but you know, like Greg kind of surprised me on his reaction to it.

Um, and you know, his idea was maybe they shouldn't have said anything at all, you know, and that would have been the most respectful thing, you know, rather than coming up with a lie. And he told the story of someone in their life that he was asked to write an obituary for. In fact, it was sort of passed along from person to person. And I think it's for the reason that this person wrote the obituary that they did. They couldn't really think of anything good to say about this person. And, um, you know, maybe he just felt like not saying anything was the best thing. And for sure, I don't think I would have been able to write the obituary that was written for Mario in this case. But if we had been given permission to be respectfully truthful, um, to actually say the piece, maybe that would have given. All of those family members who had passed that responsibility to him, you know, freedom to feel what they were feeling, which is that this was such a wasted opportunity, you know, that this person's life who, you know, he was a complicated person who we don't fully understand. And that even though our experience of this person was almost wholly negative, that we hold space for the fact that. He probably have reasons for being the way that they were and that we don't really know everything about it. But here's our experience of him and it was not good. You know, being respectful in that way means that, you know, people are given permission to feel their feelings in an honest way. And, um, I don't know how any of that changes, you know.  I just want to celebrate and highlight those people who are able to be respectfully truthful in in sensitive situations like this. I think it's kind of like a little superpower, right? Because I don't want to rock the boat. I don't want to be the cause of someone's discomfort. You know, by writing something truthful that still upsets people and, you know, maybe they just wanted the airbrushed, you know, obituary that most people expect. But, um,  I give kudos to those who are able to be honest in the face of social pressure, not to be honest. And, um, yeah, thank you for that. 

  📍 So in my third and final topic for this episode, I want to talk about relationship advice and sort of how I relate to it. So for myself, I've always been a fan of relationship podcasts, columns, uh, where people write in with their problems and the columnist or advice person, podcaster. gives their best advice. And I think the reason why is the problems themselves took me away from my own problems. And I'm also looking to be in a satisfied relationship, but for some reason, I just have difficulty understanding the complexities of relationships. And so I am one of those observers who constantly consumes, uh, time. Relationship advice and hear how other people approach relationships and in this episode I went into the discussion of what is known as situationships  where people appear to be headed toward a long term committed relationship but one of the two people are hesitant. Either they are not interested in commitment or moving in together or maybe they're just not in the right place at that time in their life to make such a commitment.

But the other person doesn't have the wherewithal to leave. And I think that's where the interest comes in because I think people know what they want but once they're in a situation Um,  And they're getting some of what they want, maybe just enough. People aren't always willing to leave that situation. And it is a very sad, sad thing to happen. I know a lot of people who have put up with a lot of shit. And, you know, from the outside in, it seems like you can do better. But that's so much easier to say from the outside rather than on the inside. I would say like this, I am often unable to, um,  regulate my emotions in the way that other people are. So, for instance, when people get upset about something, they might have an argument, and, you know, maybe 30 minutes to an hour later, they've almost completely forgotten what the argument is about. And I am sitting there ruminating about it for weeks, you know, like, I wish I could let it go. But my body, my nervous system, my mind will not let me let it go. And so it's a lot easier to say, you know, letting someone go when you have attached yourself to them. Um, you know, seeing that there are serious incompatibilities, the person Doesn't value the same things that you do. You can't really have deep, meaningful conversations with them. But you know, they touch you in that spot. The spot that you need to be touched in, whether it be physical or metaphorical. Um, and so I get it. I do. And I think, hearing the stories of other people who have decoupled themselves from situations that are just good enough to keep them stuck, is sort of, um, cathartic for me because I know I've been in that spot far too many times and it's not easy.

I don't think there's a guidebook for how you should feel. You know, you can ask someone that like, uh, this person did XYZ. How should I feel about this? You know, it's almost ridiculous because, um, I think the best that anyone can do is tell you. How they would feel in that situation and, you know, um, we're not complete slaves to our emotions.

I think that's a misnomer. We are the origins of our emotions. We cannot blame other people for making us feel a certain way. But at the same time, the origins may come from us, but they come from us, on a subconscious level, for the most part. We don't necessarily understand how we cook up the recipe for sadness or for anger or for vulnerability or so many other things that we need to survive, right?

Those emotions are signals that our body creates so that our thinking mind can then make decisions easier. I remember hearing about a I'm going to chat a researcher about emotions and there are people who really do lack the ability to feel emotions. Things like alexithymia. It's there. It's one of the symptoms of severe depression. And in, in some cases, what people have realized is that without emotion it's almost impossible to make decisions. I see that in The characters of, like, Data and Spock on Star Trek, where these, um, rational, purely rational beings, one synthetic, one organic, um,  make the best decisions because they base them all on logic. And what researchers have found is actually the opposite. That sometimes the data is ambiguous at best. And, and it's, there is no clear, good decision to make. And so, um, in most cases, what we do is, we go with what feels best. And those feelings are a form of computation. It's just not a rational, logical computation. It is, it's a, a gut feeling. It is, um,  it's based on something. It's not based on nothing. And it is it's own form. of intelligence and so I think we get it wrong when we think that logic is the way that the best decisions are made. What we have come to realize is that logic is the best way to guide the emotional gut feelings in the right direction, right? But those emotions are the fuel that get us to move towards one choice or another. And so,  Yeah, I think in these situations where people are in relationships where they're not getting what they want, they've asked their partner, say, to get married or to move in or to take an interest in something that matters to them or maybe the sexual connection isn't there and they know they should move on, but there isn't the emotional drive to leave. Like,  They're stuck. And I think hearing the stories of people who have gotten unstuck, um, people who have, um,  who have suffered because they haven't gotten unstuck, those can be eye opening and, um,  cathartic. And it's something that I enjoy, uh, listening to and reading about. So, I think that'll do it for this, uh, episode of the M3 Bearcast.

I really do appreciate all of our patrons who have stuck by me while I have done the live stream and haven't really recorded new episodes of the BearCast, but, um, I am taking that time that, uh, we have done the live streams and really improved our techniques on, um, recording and broadcasting so that we can bring you a more consistent, uh,  product.

And, um, I'm, I'm looking forward to your feedback on this episode. If you would, please drop me a review on whichever podcatcher you're listening to this on and tell a friend about it. I'm always trying to grow the show organically. Uh, and again, thank you for listening and I will catch you in the next episode.