A Slow and Gradual Disappointment

Navigating Dating as Middle-Aged Gay Black Men

In this episode of the M3 BearCast, host Malcolm Travers speaks with G.H. of the Bent Quarter Podcast about the challenges and nuances of dating as middle-aged gay Black men. They discuss the concept of 'slow, gradual disappointment' in relationships, dealing with misconceptions and fantasies, and the differences in dating dynamics across age groups. Travers shares personal experiences and reflections on dating older and younger partners, the impact of social media and dating apps, and the importance of self-awareness and boundary-setting in romantic pursuits. The episode also touches on the evolving nature of dating and how older gay men might navigate the dating scene differently in the age of technology and social shifts.

00:00 Introduction to the M3 BearCast
00:15 Dating as Middle-Aged Gay Black Men
01:38 Challenges of Dating Across Age Differences
06:34 The Reality of Dating Apps
07:48 The Importance of Shared Interests
21:02 Navigating Wealth and Relationships
22:54 The Evolution of Dating in the Digital Age
30:12 Conclusion and Support for M3 BearCast

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Transcript

  📍  Hello, and welcome to the M3 BearCast. My name is Malcolm Travers. In this episode, I'm speaking with G. H. of the Bent Quarter Podcast, and we have extended conversations on several subjects that will be on the M3 BearCast over the next few episodes. And in this first installment, we're going to be talking about dating as middle aged gay Black men.

So we have a few contexts to talk about. One of the major ones has to deal with letting go of your representative and disabusing your partner of their fantasies of you. That's where the title of this episode comes from and at first it seems cynical, this idea that relationships are a slow, gradual disappointment.

But that's only because we come to relationships Fantasizing about someone of what they might be when in reality. We know that people are imperfect. We know that no one's ever going to be exactly what we want. And if things are working out you allow yourself to be known slowly over time. And so I think part of that dating process is understanding at what pace do you disclose yourself?

And how much do you reveal and when? I think those questions are things that we also have to just suss out. Something that comes with wisdom. Maybe that's one of the advantages of dating at an older age, knowing yourself better and knowing how to gauge someone else's receptivity to your unique, flawed nature.

But I think Understanding how people think about these things is valuable. And I really appreciate GH taking the time to break down some of these with me. So without further ado, my conversation   with GH   of the bent quarter podcast. 



 I had two experiences today that kind of gave me fodder for a whole bunch of different things to talk about. And one of the things that both experiences had in common was dating. At my age, right? One of the people that I met today, he was 10 years older than me. The other one I met was 17 years younger than I am.

And I think the two dynamics, even though very different, still had certain commonalities in them that made each situation difficult. To say explore or even, respond to, because I think with the younger of the two people, the conversation, the lack of mental stimulation wasn't there.

And then with the older one, there was the conversation, the mental stimulation, et cetera, but there were other features or aspects of his life that I found to be somewhat uncomfortable. So I want to explore the topic of dating. Okay. 



Yeah, no, I thought that was actually one of the things.

I think Derek, he wanted to do topics on. aging in the gay community. And I thought about what is the most difficult thing. And I think it's just that dating at an older age. And I think this is true for whether you're straight or gay. I think there's just the added, idea that as you're, if you're gay, that you have a much smaller pool to, select from.

And I remember when I don't really watch television. I'm not going to say I'm snobby about it, but I remember when the golden bachelor came out. I did open up this discussion about dating when you're older and the concept of I think, I don't know if this is true, but people seem to be a lot more cooked when you're older.

Like you have your set ways, right? The idea of dating is almost being a little flexible and allowing people to, almost like. Be ambiguous and be whatever it is this person wants for a while until you slowly reveal yourself to them. That's the concept of things like, at first you are an enigma you're a mystery and slowly reveal yourself to them and hopefully, you know build a bond built on, mutual interest but At first, it helps if you're not still like rigid in your needs and wants and everything.

And I've noticed that as people get older, like they don't have time for the bullshit. Like they want, they know what they want. They're not thinking about it to be the opposite in that. I figured people who are older. They've come to a stage where it didn't have to be clandestine or had to do everything on hush and now there's a candy stores open up as a free for all.

They don't want to operate the way they used to because they don't have to anymore. You know what I'm saying? Because back in the day, 30, 40 years ago, when you met somebody, it was so you could have, and it was like just between the two of y'all, you put more effort into making it work, but now you can walk down the street, look at somebody as you home with them in 20 minutes or less, you know what I'm saying?

It's like all the way, let me know. So I think the older generation have, has come to a place to wherein they want to explore the things they couldn't explore when they were older. When they were younger, but I think the younger people, they, I don't know how much age, social evolution, social media, et cetera, has affected the older people.

And I think that's something I want to explore in this, in these discussions, because I think for me, I was an atom for atom. And then I went off out of Adam for a while, for like about five years. I went back out of Adam recently, like within the past couple of days, and the same 58 people who was there when I left five years ago, they still there.

And I'm trying to figure out what are they looking for? Is That's sexual gratification enough, but I for myself, the answer to that question is definitely no. I'm not, I'm looking for more than that. I'm looking to make memories. I'm looking for stimulating conversation outside of penis size or sexual role.

And I think for me, that's one of the things I find hard going back into this five years later. Five years. May seem like a short amount of time, but a lot of things could happen in five years. So I think that my mentality has changed and one of the things I've come to and realizing my position in life right now Ask myself what am I willing to tolerate?

Once I find that question, I navigate under the parameters Of the answer to that question, I'm going to, I'm going to tolerate, tolerate, just talk about sex all the time. No, I'm not. So I don't think I want to operate in that parameter at all. You know what I'm saying? I might want to talk about some life and the pursuit of happiness.

That's something I do want to talk about. So I figured yeah, pick your shoes, but then the pool, even though it may be vast, it's still the water murky in every depth of the pool that you find yourself, familiar Like with the younger guy, they had no conversation off for me at all.

None whatsoever, but I would try to ask questions and just have a conversation. And he would give these one word answers like, yes, no blue, green, Chinese, you know what I'm saying? It was like, just, no, no introductions or any kind of discussion whatsoever. And we went to a movie, so you think that we could talk about the movie after the movie was over, but that didn't happen at all.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah. And how did you meet? Yeah, so I've been having this discussion on my live stream, maybe over the past couple of weeks, and that is I have made an executive decision in my own life to remove myself from any of those apps. And now this is, I think, just for myself, because I find myself to be maybe a little bit more sensitive.

I take things a little too more seriously than some other people. I recognize that I see a lot of options on these apps, but they're not really options, right? First of all, you have to match with those people, you have to like connect. And then when you do. They really are on some bullshit like 99 percent of the time.

And for me, like that interaction is absolutely draining for me. Like a lot of people, it's not as draining, but for me it is. And then when you do make a connection, like you were saying, it tends to be a pretty shallow, right? I think a lot of times people are just going through the motions to get what they want.

And, you're just being cast in a role that they've already written for themselves. They're not really interested in you. You're just wondering, will you fit into the movie that I've written for myself? And, so there's not much there. And the alternative is a lot of dry spells, a lot of time waiting.

And that means it's maybe not putting so much interest in dating, but like working on yourself and pursuing interests outside of work. I always said literally getting a hobby, going out, doing some sports, maybe. Taking a class volunteering and, actually getting involved in something that you really care about.

And when you meet people in that context, you automatically have something to talk about. So like I was giving an example of like in 2008, I went and volunteer for the Obama campaign. And I've always been interested in politics. Like I studied communications and was interested in, maybe being a political analyst.

Like I got a chance to do that for the campaign for free. I was a volunteer. But. I was actually getting to do the things I wanted to do. And I met several people, mind you, nothing ever popped off from it, but I can say I have really good, positive experiences, like I actually got a few dates out of it, and they were good dates and the only reason they weren't anymore is because they were not gay,

but I'm saying like the opportunity was there, and the experience was positive and I just feel like. If you can get into a room where people are. There for a shared value that is beyond dating, that it's just like networking meeting people who are like minded, maybe you meet someone through someone.

It's like just being open and receptive to meeting the right person. Being friendly and open and sociable even if you're not particularly meeting the right person, maybe you're building the skills that when you do meet that person, that you will have a deeper connection because you have something to talk about.

For me, I've been actively. I have to believe, pursuing relationships, but put it up with that train was 21 years old and I have been in probably three solid relationship, three or four solid relationships from 21 to 57, what that is 36, 36 years, and so I've always been the same pressure because I don't believe in.

Not living my life when I'm not in a relationship, the things I do when I'm single, the same thing that I do when I'm in a relationship, I love to travel. I don't want to play without even asking the question, saying, and another thing too, that I've integrated my interests with my dating with dating because If I met somebody back before Facebook and back before TikTok and all these other social platforms, there was like Yahoo Messenger and all that stuff.

I would meet people on Yahoo Messenger. I jumped on a plane flight to California to meet somebody big, that's lovely. I jumped on a plane flight to Orlando, Chicago, wherever the person was. And so I was combining two, two interests in one, the interest to travel and interest to meet somebody. Now, granted I've never, but I did one time pursue a long distance relationship.

There's going to ask a considerate relocation for that relationship, but that didn't work out. I was glad it fell apart when it did fall apart. But I just think that people often say, Oh, you don't like your own company. I do like my own company, but I do think that when you're in a relationship, it's like getting a raise.

If your boss says, Hey, look, I'm giving you a 10 raise per hour. You're not going to say gosh, you know what? I'm happy. We can, 25 to be too much for me to handle, I don't want it. So I look at relationships a bit because you get to see life through two other lenses, the lens of that person's perspective, and then the lens of the shared perspective between you and them.

So I look at life, Optimistically and how I pursue anything. And I feel as though nothing wrong with trying, you know what I'm saying? I figure I don't want to be Jade and not a one. So just because Joe hate me, Tom, Dick and I go hit me too. You know what I'm saying? And I don't want to live my life like that because I realized individually.

We all bring different things to the table. We would have the same desires, but we might bring different things to the table when we try to pursue or push those desires forward. Yeah, and I, and I wanna judge people on their own words. I give people a blank slate from Jump Street. It's up for you to write on that slate.

Whatever you want me to know about you. Now, one of the things I discovered from one of the people I've met with today, I feel uncomfortable with people disclosing a lot about themselves. Off the bat, I regret it. People say, Oh, I won't do everything I want to do about you. I'm not like that.

I don't want to know everything about you. Cause I know I did one guy who went to jail for robbing a bank in South Carolina. I didn't want to know that, it was, that was like when he was in his late teens, early twenties. And that was it. He was in his late forties when I met him. I didn't need to know that, like how was that going to enhance our relationship?

Oh, you were at the bank years ago. You know what I'm saying? So I don't know. I don't know. To me, the dynamic in relationships nowadays, what are you supposed to disclose? You know what I'm saying? What are you supposed to keep secret? What are you supposed to keep close to your chest? I don't know.

And I think I may be unique in my perspective in that I don't want to, I don't want to know a lot about you relative to what's going on right now. Yeah,



it's funny. Do you mind watching a video with me? This is as you were talking about that is I have a video plan for my live stream literally about the same topic.

It's about three minutes long, but it's just about this idea of I think sometimes people disclose too much and I want to know if you agree with this or is it like too cynical I'm going to play what is useful to get. A man or a woman is not the same thing as what works to keep a man or a woman.

Those are two different problems. Some people actually make great long term partners, but they're terrible at attracting. They're terrible at the marketing. Other people, they get the marketing down, but they lack the substance, or they can't really go the distance from one way or the other, and so it's harder then to keep their partners around.

They're two different problems. The solution for one does not apply to the other. In particular, the vast majority of attraction is based on projected fantasy. I don't know who you are. I just see the outside and I'm going to approach you because I like that outside and my attraction is going to fill in the gaps in my knowledge base with what I want to see there.

That's why I talk about, I made an episode about how most men blow the first date. They blow the first date by talking too much. They talk too much out of the misguided desire to prove their value to women. They usually do it in a very heavy handed, ham fisted way. And generally, all they do is succeed in disabusing that woman of the fantasy that she had of that man, which is why she was sitting there on that date tonight.

Because the likelihood that anything I say is going to match up with what you want to see in the privacy of your own mind is functionally zero. So I need to tread very carefully because you're not on this date because you like me, because you don't fucking know who I am yet. You're here because of what you hope I might be.

And so I need to be very careful not to disabuse you of that hope too quickly. It's actually the key to transitioning from one phase to the other, it's gonna sound real bad, but it's a slow and gradual disappointment. Be, and you have to do this because if you don't do it, then what do you end up with?

You end up in a relationship where you're not truly known and you're just performing all the time. And that's probably not sustainable. But it's certainly not very satisfying. And there'll be a sudden disappointment. There generally is. I talk about that in the book. The crisis of disappointment is one of the first crises that all nascent relationships must pass through.

And on some level, the relationship doesn't even begin in earnest until couples go through the crisis of disappointment. Where either through one significant betrayal or the accumulation of small inconsistencies, the fantasy on which the relationship has been based up until that point shatters. And the person is really no different from who he or she was the day before, but he or she's going to feel completely different because it's almost like you're the scales have dropped from your eyes and you're seeing this person and maybe what sound what seemed cute and lovable and adorable.

Just. A week ago now is completely infuriating and difficult to live with. Sometimes the very things that we're most attracted to tend to be the things that we dislike most about our partners further down the road. It's a cruel irony. So I agree. I agree. I agree that 100 percent because I do feel that when we first meet somebody, They've been a representative and not us, because we are saying that he's at the fantasy of, Oh, he looked cute or whatever the case is.

And I think that he might be this or might be that but I don't know how to kind of transition from that representative to the real person smoothly, because is there a smooth transition between the two people? Yeah, that's what he was talking about. He said that a relationship, and I thought that was, to me, it sounded somewhat cynical, but obviously honest.

A relationship is a slow and gradual disappointment, because not only are you bringing your representative, but they are bringing a fantasy, those are like going to have to fall away at some point. If you want to be in a relationship where you don't have to perform all the time, you have to let down the performance.

and eventually they're going to have to be disappointed about the fantasy that about what they thought you might be. Eventually, you're not going to live up to that. I think any forces you take to meeting somebody, I think it's in that there is a representative because Who are you truly?

You know what I'm saying? Because when you meet somebody, it's going to ask them, but even how are you doing? My name is so and that in itself initiates what happens then. If you look to pass gas in front of your partner, you're going to have to do it on the first date. You know what I'm saying?

So how do you, so the transition, like I say, from one to the next, because you definitely put your best foot forward first because no one going into the relationship, doing the things they do. Five years down the road or whatever the case is. And I think there's a learning curve or like a testing phase you gotta go through in order to understand not only the person, but understand yourself in the situation with the person.

Because I think a lot of times too, people tend to shrink themselves to fit into somebody else's situation or somebody else's mood because we'll put it again, so nice. That's why I don't like the word compromise because I think to me compromise means somebody got somebody lose it. I don't understand that was not compromise.

It's because compromise means somebody lose it. I think so. Compromise typically means that each is giving up something right. And like I said, this is true. Like you're giving up your representative, you're giving up the comfort of not being criticized, or or making yourself vulnerable.

I think you're giving that up. I think you're also giving up on your fantasy of what this other person might be, like People are not always nice. Sometimes people are tired. Sometimes they're grouchy. Sometimes they fart. Do things you're not going to like, and they're going to annoy you. And yeah, that's a compromise.

This is, it's like reality, but I think there's also a recontextualizing that can occur. Also why that disappointment needs to be slow and gradual, because I think there is a magic in something real versus fantasy, right? It's I don't know. I think about CGI in movies or whatever.

And, no matter how cool it is, I think the practical effects are always just better, because, it's real because, someone actually jumped off a plane or something. There's something awe inspiring about people, even in their, flawed nature, but you got to let it go that need to have the thing that you want and accept the person for who they are.

I think that's part of the compromise. Now, also, I think there's a realization, and this is what I was talking about earlier. About what, where your boundaries are. I think this is something that someone who's older kind of should know after some experience in relationships, because I feel like something that is true about just being human about having an identity is that part of learning about who you are is found in relationship to other people, right?

Like you don't know where your boundaries are, where things, We're going to hurt until it hurts.

And so if you've been through those hurts and you remember those hurts and you learn from them, then you don't have to do that on the third or fourth try, but like in your early relationships, you are going to make mistakes. Hopefully you learn from them and are like, have enough self awareness to adjust your expectations.

And to be able to exert those boundaries, making sure that you are not so desperate or longing for some sort of connection that you disregard your own boundaries. But, like for me, talking about boundaries, like or even say I don't believe in lists. I know you go, a lot of say, no facts, no FAMs, no this, no that, no.

Et cetera. I don't believe in lists, but I know what I want, right? I think if I had to say, if I had to highlight the things on my list, I don't like pretty boys. I don't like, like guys who like me, say, I know it sounds stupid to have my phrase, but guys that are beautiful or guys that's so self indulgent into their physical appearance.

I I don't find that attractive because I figure you spend more time. Try to pretty yourself up then, then committing yourself to the relationship or the situation. And then I'm intimidated by people that are wealthy, which might sound silly, but I feel as though if I was dating someone that had a lot of money, I was really well off.

And they, I would feel as though be obligated to them. If they did something for me, you know what I'm saying? And I think those are some of my list items. I think that might be silly but for me, I got to realize what my comfort level is, as we mentioned earlier, but your comfort level is, and I don't think.

I'm comfortable with somebody else telling me what to do, you know what I'm saying? And I think that, but that might not be the case with everybody that is wealthy. They may not be where they figured they, their relationship as an employee, I don't know how that is but for me I tend to find myself shying away from situations like that.

And I like that. I like that struggle of love. Let's struggle together. Let's, let's build this love together from the same place. You know what I'm saying? You up there, I can't catch up with you up there. You know what I'm saying? Let's start right here and then let's work our way up together.

You know what I'm saying? Have you had experience with someone who had a great amount of wealth? I talked to a doctor, I talked to a famous baseball player one time too, and I was I can't mess with you because to me, I would be uncomfortable. In, in those situations. Cause I've heard this complaint and I've had two relationships with people who.

Had a certain amount of money. Now, I think in both cases, they both had money from family and maybe that's different because they just, it's not really their money. It's just that they're comfortably well off, and in those scenarios, I did have a certain amount of resentment for their lack of understanding of my situation.

I never asked anything of them, but it was like completely, foreign to them to actually me. Money to, get through the month. I can look in their closet and they had clothes that were more than my rent, yeah, that was a little troubling, but they never were controlling. They were never audacious and put it in my face.

Oftentimes I didn't even know that they had this amount of money until later.  And so I think it really is about, I don't know, I don't really know what that's about because I was just saying in my personal experience, I, like I said, two people, they both had issues outside of. Their wealth that were concerning, but wealth was never used.

Bad thing for me. If I found myself in that I can shut down. Like I don't even wanna walk down that street, saying let's avoid this particular path. Be because to me I don't like confrontation and I made ation of any kind. And once in my life I was involved in a relationship that.

That ended in physical abuse, and it ended that same day, the day the abuse happened, because I don't believe in subjecting myself to anything that makes me uncomfortable. You know what I'm saying? I may shrink myself in some instances, depending on what it is I wouldn't tolerate, but again, when it gets to the same point where it becomes abusive, whether it be emotional or mental or physical, I can't operate in that.

Yeah, no, I think that is like a whole discussion itself on One thing we thought about talking about like I know this, but I was in my twenties and thirties and I go digging before social media. You go to the bar, you play that stare down game and it's there. Somebody goes through the room and then when they smile, that means that they were okay.

Let's come on, let's talk. And then, things used to work out like that. But nowadays, like the conversation I had with the guy this morning, okay, people who don't believe in meeting people online still meet people the old fashioned way. Then the people online who believe in meeting people only online, but don't believe in meeting people outside of that.

You wonder that how does each party kind of navigate. Successfully, because to me, like, how do you like we will nowadays we it's strange from each other now that everybody's working from home, everybody, doing their own thing, everybody online, so forth and so on.

So people didn't get an idea and looking at someone from head to toe, talking to somebody face to face, et cetera, et cetera, because I know a friend of mine told me that he was on the train one day and just 2 people talking to each other, but it's doing it by text message. And they will sit 2 feet from each other.

But you were talking to a tech person at DOT too, how does that work? You know what I'm saying? Like, how does that work? And I try to figure like, what is the thrill in that? You know what I'm saying? Because even if I meet someone in real life, I don't want to have no long texting discussion and just talk to each other on the phone.

Let me hear your voice. Let me hear the nuances in your voice. Let me hear the emotion and what is you got to say. Let's talk that way. I know this with text messages nowadays, half of the things that I've sent via text messages are the things I've said. It's just like I press the button because that's the predictive responses that show up and I just answer the predictive responses or pick the one that kind of suits the response to what it is they're asking me.

So it's basically a long conversation with me having a conversation with technology and I'm trying to figure out, I'm not comfortable with that, yeah, it's going to get a lot worse. Actually, it's funny that you mentioned that. The new Siri apparently is going to be announced tomorrow at the Apple event.

Which is one of the things that they're going to have is like much more aggressive, predictive text, exactly what you're talking about. They're, it's going to try to mimic your responses, but it's not, and it's worse because like you were saying it's. It may not even give you the full message anymore.

So like someone writes you a whole message or whatever, it's just going to give you like a summary and then they'll give you some responses that you could pick from. Cause one day I, one day I noticed I've been doing a lot lately. I've been. I've been emoji texting if I type a word, if I type the first word, the emoji pops up that kind of, fits what I'm trying to say.

I just said that emoji, not even, bother writing in text anymore. Just emoji talk now, oh, you know what's so funny is I think the biggest feature that they're looking forward to is getting to make your own emojis. Now I know that there's this thing called Bitmoji, which is close to that guess.

You can say, yeah. Say, yeah. But the more we, lifting ones definitely gonna be scary, I don't, and I say all of these things make me wonder as I get the older what's it gonna be like, you know what I'm saying? I'm 57 right now and I'm trying to figure like when I turned 65 what do I have to look forward to?

And I thought for me, when I was in my twenties, my big deal was, I want to make memories. I want to do things together. I want us to go blah, blah, blah. And I made a lot of memories alone. I went to Europe like three times when I was in my twenties and early thirties. And I, I've traveled all different places.

I look back at photographs. I used to go jet skiing in the Bahamas. I go out for a ride in the Bahamas. I was always by myself, you know what I'm saying? So I always thought that when I get into a relationship, it'd be one of those things to where, and I want to make memories. And I still think that's what I, my, my goal is right now to make memories.

You know what I'm saying? I don't think the sexual component is a, is a. Predominant component in my life right now. I think it's more like lessons are taught. Let's go to dinner. Let's go to a movie. Let's take a walk in the park and let's, go to Miami tomorrow. And I'm saying that, some things we've never explored before, yeah. It's funny. I was looking at a TikTok video and I need to explore this app a little bit, but it's probably only available in certain cities, but it is a. App where you only get to meet the people in person. And it's something like where you put in your basic information, your profile and the people on the app match you with four other people.

You basically, it's like a table of five at a restaurant and you meet for dinner, hopefully, make some connections or whatever. I remember this person was talking about it and they really did enjoy it. Because, it was getting into your, Interests and, pairing you with people who had mutual interests and things like that.

And because you didn't have any visual component, you only got to know like the name, age, description of the person so that, at the restaurant, you can know that it was actually them. So this is down. You're not like being scammed or something, but generally speaking, everyone's anonymous and meeting.

And what's interesting is that all the tables are within a certain radius, right? In a city, there might be like five or six restaurants with, tables of five, and then they have a meet and greet after dinner. So you meet with all the other people who did that experience as well. And from what I could see from some of the people's experience with it it's just a different way of dating.

Like it's networking, it's dating. It's. Meeting people for friends and of course, relationships, in there it seems like the anti dating app, I think I'd be someone that would enjoy that because I've been watching a lot of YouTube videos lately about, dating and there's this one thing called pop the balloon.

I don't know if you ever seen it or heard of it. And I've seen a lot of them that were a gate. Gay themed or gay participants in them. And I like the concept, but I don't think I like the execution because I think the people that they, I don't think they fitted the contestants, adequately or whatever the case was because lots of times people who would be looking for a date and people in the line to be doing so they were exes or the friends of an ex or whatever the case is.

So I don't know how much, production that went into putting together this show as far as say, making the contestants more viable or mean somebody interesting, you know what I'm saying? Cause to connect to the people was basically the same people who just multiplied over, it was like, at least the gay ones that I've watched to have been, I've been like that.

You know what I'm saying? I have watched a few. There were several ones that seemed more interesting and the people definitely have been treated a whole lot differently than the ones on the gay ones. But I look at the gay ones or they went to the club last night. Hey, I show me at this apartment tomorrow at two o'clock.

We can go online, you know what I'm saying? So I don't know how that works. But I, but again, I think you described about dating and, going online, putting the information and they do it anonymously. Then you meet a person. I like that concept because you can't hide behind anything.

And I think for me, that's one of the things that kind of frightens me nowadays because people hide behind fake pictures, hide behind fake profiles, they can put a profile picture up there, but it was 10 years, it was 10 years old, a new thing, but they walk up to your door and it's like, where's grandpa, why you left your nephew at home, you know what I'm saying?

So it's like that type of thing. Cause I was online. Before I started talking to you, there was one guy who was on Adam for Adam, and I talked to him a couple of years ago. This is like about seven to 10 years ago, and he on his profile said he's 37. I, 37 years old, you know what I'm saying, because, but I knew he was in his early 40s, you know what I'm saying, that he was talking with you.

So I think for me, that might be the trap that he uses to pull people in oh, he's my age group, so let me talk to him. And then when they, oh, by the way, I'm not blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. It is. Really sad too, because it's just wasting everyone's time 

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