Dialogue Dynamics and the Art of Connection

In this soul-baring return of the **M3 Bearcast**, Malcolm Travers explores the intricate machinery of human communication. Moving beyond surface-level dating advice, Malcolm dives into the psychological and spiritual dimensions of how we connect—or fail to—with one another.

Drawing insights from Charles Duhigg’s *Super Communicators* and Jefferson Fisher’s *The Next Conversation*, the episode breaks down communication into three core types: **the need to be helped, heard, or hugged.**

### **Key Takeaways from the Episode:**

* **The "Why" Behind the Mic:** Malcolm reveals his personal journey as a "notorious recluse" and conflict avoider. He discusses how podcasting serves as a ritual to externalize internal conversations and practice openness.
* **The Miracle of Language:** An exploration of language as an "underrated technology." Malcolm uses a fascinating analogy from the video game *Destiny 2* (The Last Wish raid) to illustrate how we create shared meaning under pressure.
* **Honesty vs. Violence:** A nuanced look at "reading" culture and the thin line between being vulnerable and being destructively honest.
* **The Power of Listening:** Shifting the perspective of listening from a passive act to a "spiritual practice" and a high expression of love.
* **Panel Discussion:** Malcolm is joined by **Greg** and **John** from the Patreon community to debate the "bullshit" of common relationship advice, the fear of response, and the importance of establishing "patterns" in communication.

---

### **Join the Conversation**

If you enjoyed this episode and want to dive deeper into themes of Afrofuturism, self-development, and radical honesty, connect with Malcolm across the web:

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* **Blue Sky:** Find us at @malemediamind

### **Support the Mission**

Malcolm has committed to **48 episodes in 2026**, but this grassroots work is only possible with your help. Become a part of the inner circle to access the Telegram group, exclusive after-shows, and full video recordings.

**Become a Patreon Member:** [patreon.com/malemediamind](https://www.patreon.com/malemediamind)
 

Transcript

 Ep 88: Dialogue Dynamics and the Art of Connection

Ep 88: Dialogue Dynamics and the Art of Connection

Speaker 20: [00:00:00] Hello, and welcome to the M three Bear Cast. My name is Malcolm Traver. Male Media Mind is a grassroots organization dedicated to uplifting and unifying our community through dialogue, insight, creativity, and knowledge. And on this podcast, I discuss things in detail, which I bring up on my live streams, which are usually around communication, connection, community.

Spirituality, mental health and self-development often get into some of the advice that people give about around relationships, and I am often left wanting or feeling like it's shallow, that there isn't enough detail, and certainly not enough accountability for the ways in which. We can do better ourselves rather than just complaining about how people don't know how to date anymore.

And one of those common themes that comes up a lot is around communication and the lack of communication skills that [00:01:00] people have. Oftentimes, that discussion is about how other people are unable to. Either hold a conversation, maintain contact with them over time, unable to

un unwilling or unable to tell them important things about themselves. And I think the interesting thing about communication is that it touches on so many things in our lives beyond just the skills and the words and the way to manage. People through our words. It gets into feeling vulnerable and being able to express our emotions when we feel them.

And having enough safety to express ourselves, when we feel like we need to be heard. Are we, do we have enough self-esteem and self-worth to stand up for ourselves? I think all of these are. Brought up in this episode. I originally got some of these ideas from Reading Super Communicators by [00:02:00] Charles Duhig and the next Conversation by Jefferson Fisher.

Both of those I'm making available to our patrons, and I will let you know how you can become a patron at the end of the show. But first, let me get into. Some of the topics that came up. I also, towards the end of this episode, I brought the topic of communication up with our panel on Tuesday night. You'll hear the voices of Greg and John from our Patreon live show.

Alright, here's the episode.

Speaker: I think first, 

Speaker 2: one of the things to recognize when having a conversation about communication is the idea that you need to communicate at all. There is a.

Speaker: Beauty, I believe 

Speaker 2: in sometimes keeping things to yourself. I think in the current age of everyone has a podcast and everyone is a content creator that we really need to do that. Not [00:03:00] everyone does. And I think. The question you have to ask yourself is, do you have something to say? Is there something that is burning within you that needs to be expressed or communicated?

And if you're just trying to receive validation from others to know that you matter by receiving adulation from other people, that may be silence is more. What is necessary in that CI circumstance. But assuming that there is something that you wanna say, something deeply personal that you want to communicate, and there is a reason to break the silence, then I want to investigate what are some of the ways that we can do that in the most constructive way 

Speaker: possible.

I've been doing live streams now for 

Speaker 2: almost 10 years. And one of the major feedback,

some of the most common feedback that I receive is on how to start a podcast and what does it [00:04:00] mean to put yourself out there. And I can't say that I am the one to answer that question because. For instance in this podcast, this is episode number 85, and I've had six months since my last episode. One of the things I've been trying to do is recommit to podcasting, and so one of the ways that I found that works for me is speaking to someone else as though I were speaking to myself.

It's interesting, like I am so much easier for me. To provide someone else advice than it is to look inward and talk to myself about what I need. And so the reason that I am doing a podcast is that I'm externalizing an internal conversation. And by answering someone else's question about how do I start a p podcast, the answer that I would give them is.

To get to why, start with why you're doing a podcast and that will dictate how, because how isn't really that difficult? The very [00:05:00] simple how's the real question is why? For me, my why is exactly what I said is I am trying to understand some of my deeply held values. Through communication, through community and reaching out and trying my best to, connect to people because I am an avoider.

I avoid conflict. I am, notoriously reclusive. When people reach out to me, they wonder where I've been for the past, who knows how long because. That's what it is. And so I am looking at ways to, ritualize being open in a way that is, 

Speaker: Constructive.

And so if you're asking yourself. 

Speaker 2: Does the world need another podcast? The answer of course is no. The world doesn't need anything. The question is why do you need to make a podcast and follow that to 

Speaker: [00:06:00] its logical conclusion?

So one of the things that I do 

Speaker 2: when I am getting ready for live is I pick topics from TikTok and reels and, YouTube and sometimes things that I've read that. I think I have a perspective on, but could use some alternative perspectives, right? Like basically bullshit detecting. I think in every aspect of my content creation, it is just a way for me to amplify ideas that I think are valuable, but the reason I'm drawn to those ideas.

Have nothing to do with me. They're just my set point idea of what is true, what is real, what is valuable. And so sometimes it helps to have people who are not on the same page as you about everything, check you on what is valuable or what isn't. And so for me, [00:07:00] communication. Is key to making that process work.

And communication means a few things. Often when we speak to someone, we want them to hear us, and we use that term. I want to be heard as a proxy for I want to be understood, or if you don't agree with me. I want you to agree with the way that I see things. You want, the way that you see the world to be understood.

Basically, even if someone completely disagrees with you, when you communicate the way that you see the world as someone else, you want that communication to be accurate. And I think one of the best ways to begin. With better communication is the assumption that you will be misunderstood. That understanding is not the default.

That communication through language, through images, through music is a minor miracle to say the least. [00:08:00] It is pretty impressive that, through language we're able to communicate ideas as well as we are. It is probably, it still is the most underrated technology that humans have ever created.

Point blank. When I think about the attempts to. Turn language into consciousness with the current large language models just expresses how incredible language is at approximating ideas and thinking. And we have to remind ourselves that language is just a medium for ideas not thinking itself.

So I play this game called Destiny, and there's a raid in it called The Last Wish, and there's an encounter in the raid where you basically have to create a language for your team. So you're in a team of six, [00:09:00] you break up into three teams. One person is a reader and one person is a fighter. And when you are the reader, you stand on this plate and it shows you three.

Randomly generated symbols. And this is true of all three teams. So all three of the teams have three randomly generated symbols. And you have to figure out, which two players share a symbol between the three players. The person who's left out is the call out. If this makes sense. If this doesn't make sense, don't worry about it, but.

The idea is these randomly generated symbols are basically the attempt for you to create a language because you have to communicate over voice chat with the other three people about what you're looking at in front of you. And when you first start playing as a reader in the raid. It is really difficult to explain exactly what you're looking at.

It's it looks like a fish, [00:10:00] kinda look like a snake. It's going up and down it's squiggly and has a whatever, and then my second symbol looks like blah, blah, blah. Now the reason why, you could probably figure this out if you were given enough time right, to do this, but you have about a minute and a half to figure this out.

And the other three players are also fighting for their lives while this is happening and the pressure is on and there's this music in the background that's like really making it nerve wracking. It's really fun. I enjoy, it's one of my favorite experiences in a game. And the reason why is it is paramount about what communication is like.

In fact, the entire rate is about that. I, the last encounter also includes those same symbols, which I can't do ' cause they, they ramp up the difficulty so much that you really have to be an expert in order to communicate it clearly and concisely. But there's something about [00:11:00] that reminded me that, language, the English language is a miracle in the sense that we have such, a.

Agreed upon determination of words and expressions. Even though there, there are lots of misunderstandings, for the most part, we are 

Speaker: able to understand each other and that's just amazing.

I think there are times though 

Speaker 2: that we allow power and class to dictate. How unified our language is, and we don't allow space for certain dialects to exist. A perfect example happens to be African American vernacular. It has actually been proven that there is a rule structure and syntax to the way that black people speak.

And if we didn't live in a white supremacist culture. African vernacular English would be its own dialect of English, of American English. But what we say is speak proper. When a black [00:12:00] person speaks black, we don't recognize it as its own vernacular. And that's part of white supremacy.

Now I am not gonna be one to defend, 

Speaker: Speaking a VE in, 

Speaker 2: in an environment in which you're expected to code switch. I think there is a time and place for everyone's speech, but I think at its core is at a times people want to say that someone's dialect is wrong. When it is just another dialect, there is no actual floor or basis for which English is correct other than power.

And if you are under able to be understood, over time that understanding can change and be a new way of saying a thing. Say for instance, there is, somebody I know who will die on the heel of not saying Happy New Year's with an s we wanna say Happy New Year [00:13:00] because that is correct, but in our common vernacular, saying it in a possessive tense has just become the norm.

I guess it's because of happy of saying things like New Year's Eve, because it is the eve of the new year. It's a possessive New Year's Eve. We celebrate our New Year's Eve. And so it's not New Year's, it's Happy New Year. We also often say a New Year's resolution. It, the resolution could be the possessive of the new Year.

And so is that New Year's? I don't know. Regardless. I'm not gonna die on the hill saying Happy new, happy New Year. There's another one that used to get to me, which is unique as being different or very different versus one of a kind. That ship has sailed unique, is no longer one of a kind literally.

Literally means nothing. You literally used to mean in, in actuality, [00:14:00] right? But now it just means directly or specifically, when we, and that's, those are little minor things, but it's important that we care about what words being and, we shouldn't allow the drift to happen without our acknowledging it happening because specificity is important in understanding each other, and communication is important enough for us to be a little litigious about the way that we 

Speaker: choose our words.

So I want to talk a 

Speaker 2: little about honesty and why honesty can often feel like violence and it can be wielded in particularly horrible ways. I thought about this when. We were thinking about in groups and the attacks that people make on each other. The ones that hurt the most are the ones that are most honest.

There was a, I guess a campy, gay lingo [00:15:00] known as reading. And the best reads are the ones that the person when it lands knows that it's true and. The funny thing is, of course there can be certain things reads that someone has of a person is about their appearance or their behavior or their history, but I think the honesty read the one that probably hurts the most.

It's something that you may have not wanted to be public and it is put out for everyone to examine and to, 

Speaker: Criticize.

And so I think I take that 

Speaker 2: idea into consideration when making this podcast. Is that I am determined to be as honest as possible, but without giving any body free ammunition and being honest in a way that can be destructive and to leave yourself vulnerable to attack. And so I think I, I wanna say that upfront that yeah, I'm [00:16:00] definitely holding back.

I'm holding back because I think there is a benefit to, 

Speaker: I think you can be, Ben. 

Speaker 2: I think you can be honest without being. Unnecessarily risky in your honesty. And, not everything needs to be, for public consumption. Like I said, I think that there is a level to which silence is a benefit. But we are only as sick as our secrets as well. So I'm trying my hand at walking that balance line between, being honest.

So as to not

exacerbate my own issues, but not so vulnerable that I feel

foolish for, 

Speaker: Having expressed myself.

I think that one of the major 

Speaker 2: reasons why communication can be so difficult is our inability to listen to someone. And I think listening is its own form of spiritual practice. It is a way in which you are not trying to figure out [00:17:00] what you're going to say next, but you're listening to what the person is saying and truly attending to them.

I think there can't be a higher expression of love to someone other than to truly listening to what they have to say. And. Not try to relate it to yourself, but truly listen to the words that they're saying. Listen to the context in which they are saying it. Try to see something from someone 

Speaker: else's point of view.

When we talk about vulnerability, it is this idea that

you're telling the truth 

Speaker 2: in a way that can be turned against you and hurt you in some way, and. 

Speaker: What that means is

if you're constantly feeling 

Speaker 2: vulnerable. There's an indi,

there's an incentive to lie, to fill in the gaps, to make people believe that something you care about is something that you're rather neutral on. Because if you express to someone that this is a vulnerability of yours, that. It's [00:18:00] something that is sensitive. Then you have handed them a weapon that they can use against you.

And so there's the lie. There's the lie that you believe allows you to be in community and relationship with someone else without being as vulnerable as you could be if you were being honest. And those lies multiply. They can become the norm. And what it is really a separation between you and this other person.

Oftentimes, whatever lie that you're telling to mask your vulnerability is a barrier to true relationship, to true communication. Not only because you are not saying what you want to say, but the other person isn't given complete information. When communicating with you and what matters to you, and so those laws complicate the ability for you to be in 

Speaker: community or relationship with them.

[00:19:00] I think one of the questions we have to ask 

Speaker 2: ourselves is if we are truly vulnerable with another human and it does end the relationship, is that always a bad thing? I would say in the immediate aftermath, it definitely feels like it. Is,

I think there are very few times when, you ask for something from someone and they say no, and you recognize that it's a deal breaker for you that you are happy to leave, that you know that connection. But living in that lie is not any better. In fact, I think it's much worse. For one, you're not happy in the situation, but also.

You are limiting what you could call the opportunity to meet someone else. There's a cost to limiting that opportunity by being in relationship with the wrong person, and that often can be obscure by the fact that this person is here with you now and you're living in this lie that you have constructed, to mask your vulnerability.

Speaker 3: I was telling my sister, I said, look at all these Instagram models up in here.

They on the machine. There's a lot for the machine.

Speaker 7: Yeah, I want the evidence, but I don't know. I'm posting it. But, no, I [00:20:00] have a question for you guys. Yes. So I'm working on my podcast and I figure like I can get some of your input. I'm doing a episode on communication and oftentimes the thing that people will say online when they talk about, the key thing for relationships is communication.

Speaker 3: Bullshit. More than that homie. 

Speaker 5: It's one of the key. It's one of the key things. That's not the only key thing. 

Speaker 7: I wouldn't say it's the only key thing, but what do you think people mean when they say that? 

Speaker 3: Just talk to each other. Maybe, just keep a open line. Don't be, I know some people that are afraid of their partners.

You 

Speaker 7: know what I mean? Yeah. 

Speaker 3: It's oh, I can't do that round you Uhuh bitch. You don't know who you are if you don't know. You fought and smoke, tobacco on the weekend. 

Speaker 6: I usually rephrase it and say it's reciprocal communication, not just communication. It has to be reciprocal because some people will think they're not communicating mean that I gotta call you every time and tell you everything I'm doing, but you ain't gotta call me 

Speaker 7: so back.

So there are two things I want to touch on both of them. One, I think what [00:21:00] Greg said hits home for me in the sense that I feel like people know how to communicate to somebody. They're just afraid of the response they'll get. So they choose to chicken out and they don't say anything. 

And what you're saying.

John sounds like people who are just not interested, let's be honest,

Speaker 3: be totally interested, but they missed the mark. I'm like, oh, 

Speaker 7: they missed the mark by not communicating enough to show that they're interested. Is that what you mean? Or 

Speaker 3: No, I think he means more they're mis like one person's doing more of the heavy, be lifting 

Speaker 7: all the talking.

So what do you think that means? Why are they doing that? 

Speaker 3: That's how it depends on the, that's their mo No, I just wanna know, 

Speaker 7: John what theory do you have as to why people don't communicate the way that you need them to?

Speaker 6: I think that I have to feel, 'cause I, I'm a person that you ain't gotta call, you ain't gotta tell me good morning every day.

I don't need that. You don't have to tell me good evening every, I don't need that. But I don't want it to be seven days and I ain't heard shit from. I'm not meeting like that. 

Speaker 3: Come on. 

Speaker 7: So do you ask for the amount of communication that you want or do you expect them to know, or is that something you explicitly say I want to hear from you X amount of times, or I will feel like you're not interested or 

Speaker 6: In my first initial conversations with people and there's an interest to get to know, I'll tell them, you ain't gotta call me every day.

You ain't gotta text me every day. But I want there to be some type [00:22:00] of, reciprocation. Yeah. And don't be, and no long durations in between our conversation.

But that's just me. And I could get, when I'm talking to somebody initially, I can feel how they may like to be communicated with,

I think if people just take the time to do that in the first initial, or by the second or third conversation, you should know how that person likes to.

Speaker 7: Communication. 

So would you find it weird if someone just said you don't have to talk to me every day, but if we could go like two or three days, I'm just gonna start thinking something's up. Is that like a reasonable thing to say to someone? 

Speaker 6: For me? Not to me. That's like using up too much energy to be wondering what they doing.

I'm gonna assume that you're doing the right thing okay. That's just me, like I said, but yeah, I'm not gonna be invested that much in the initial time of getting to know 

Speaker 7: with 

Speaker 6: you. 

To be that worried about it now. 

Six months, seven months down the line when there's some more [00:23:00] emotion and feeling.

Yes, I probably am gonna be like. What's going on. But in the initial month or two 

Speaker 3: They don't really owe you anything really. No. Yeah, that makes sense. What were you saying, Greg? I'm sorry. In the initial, I don't expect, but I think you develop a pattern and then it's, its expected. I think that what you developed a pattern, or as people saying New Jersey is the patterning, you develop the pattern and you go from, people 

Speaker 7: really do say that, don't they?

Yes, they do. 

Speaker 3: They do. 

Speaker 7: I thought it was a Yeah. People really say pattern. Anyway, go ahead. I thought it was a joke and I make, 

Speaker 3: No, I make. Yeah. 

Speaker 7: Yeah. So 

be 

Speaker 3: set the pattern for what it is that you want, 

Speaker 7: right? 

Speaker 3: Yeah. You know what I mean? It's, and I think by the time that the month or two passes, you're in a rhythm.

If the rhythm is, you're going to hear from me at some point during the day. 

Speaker 7: Yeah. 

Speaker 3: The rhythm. And then if it changes, you're gonna be like, you okay. We gonna go, what's expected? 

Speaker 7: One of the things I wanted to put in my podcast was [00:24:00] like a piece of advice for someone who might receive the criticism that they're bad at communication.

What is a good, what do you think is a good piece of advice for someone who is considered a bad communicator? 

Speaker 3: Try to learn and understand how you communicate. If more than one person is telling you that, look, check with yourself. You know what I mean? Because it happened to me like. My friends would tell me, Greg, you only listen to half the sentence, and then you check out,

Speaker 7: you ready to answer someone's problem before they finish the question? Yeah. I would say, 

Speaker 3: Or, yeah. That was a problem of mine not Yeah. Getting in because I was always in a hurry to go on to something else. Okay, you got it. Let's go. You get it? Yeah. No. And so as I grow and learn and understand that everybody doesn't learn like me, everybody doesn't, 

Speaker 9: right?

Speaker 3: Take basic concepts and people, some people need granular things, so you check with those who, if somebody, everybody keep telling you the same fucking thing, you are the problem. Clarice. Okay, listen, you're the [00:25:00] problem. You should take that as not, and anything people have to understand when people tell you things, that's not out of being a hater or malicious.

Sometimes people love you and they'll be like that. You need to tone it down. You ain't got no man because it's okay. You have a friend that it's okay to say that to. I mean that you Go 

Speaker 6: ahead Joe, somebody that is wanting a good morning. Good afternoon. How's your day? Good evening. I feel smothered by all of that.

I don't, yeah. Need all of that. I even have some of my, a good friend of mine, oh, this boy called me. He, we not, he just, he's just a friend. 

But he has to call me two, three times a day to tell me about this and that. Oh. And sometimes when I see him on my phone, I'll be like, oh, Lord, what he want?

So 

Speaker 5: sometimes I don't answer 

Speaker 6: or sometimes 

Speaker 5: I. And did I get, are you ignoring me? No, I just 

Speaker 6: don't. No, I just didn't feel it. 

Speaker 7: I'm often. Frustrated by [00:26:00] that thing.

Oh, you need to communicate better. Which bitch? What do you mean, right? What do you mean? What do you mean by that? What do you mean? I'm getting better at it. One of the books I read, I put it in the group, was this book called Super Communicators. And the thing they said is that there's three basic types of communication, three conversations.

And you can remember it by do you need to be helped, hugged, or what was the other one? It's, they're h words help hugged or, hinder. No. Heard. Heard. Heard. Okay. Heard. Helped or hugged. Yeah. Okay. And what those indicate are like in the case of someone like your friend Devon, who calls, they just want to talk, so all they want to be is heard, right?

They want someone to hear 

Something that they're doing. Other people are calling 'em out problems. That's the people who wanna be helped. The hug things is when someone wants an emotional connection and it's like trying to share something personal. And those three types of conversations have very different ways of unfolding.

I would say the most [00:27:00] common conversation is just people who wanna be heard. 

Okay. Like they just want someone to hear what they're saying. Oftentimes, I think it, when I get into a conversation with people, I feel like I'm often just monologuing and I have to stop, oh, hold up.

I'm talking too much. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Did I say too much? Yeah, because I'll just go on and on. And know.

Speaker 2: And so all of these things are the ideas that I'm going to express throughout the podcast that I'm working on. This is gonna be one of the first episodes that I do, for 2026, and I'm making it an effort to be as consistent as possible. I have a few guests lined up. One of the things that I want to do is.

Talk about and around some of the books that I've been reading and oftentimes that's gonna be nonfiction, but also fiction 

Speaker: as well, and.

And just the idea 

Speaker 2: that I am going to be as open as I can about the [00:28:00] process. Of creating these podcasts as well as, my motivations behind them because I think that is the motivational force that I need to be more consistent this year. I, and making the effort and the promise to myself to make at least 48 episodes this year.

There, I was gonna say 50, but I should take some vacations. But I'm really excited about moving forward and what the year has to offer. So if you would like to participate in this journey that I'm going on, I I have a Patreon for Male Medium Mind. That's to support all of the live streams that I do on YouTube.

As well as this podcast, you can go to patreon.com/male MediaMind subscribe, and you'll get access to our telegram groups as well as after shows for our live [00:29:00] streams and video recordings of the podcast. Again, thank you for listening to the M three Bear Cast. I will catch you in the next episode. Peace.