Perspectives, Chaos, and the Power of Boundaries

 M3 Bearcast Ep 94 – Perspectives, Chaos, and the Power of Boundaries

In this episode of the M3 Bearcast, host Malcolm Sadat Travers takes a deep dive into the videos and dialogues that shape the Male Media Mind community. From the infinite scale of the cosmos to the psychological warfare of cinematic villains, Malcolm and the M3 panel explore how perspective, mental health, and personal development intersect in our daily lives. This episode transitions from philosophical wonder to practical strategies for maintaining your peace in a chaotic world.

Subject Matter & Key Segments

1. Astronomical Perspective: The Discovery of Galaxies Malcolm reflects on the paradigm shift in astronomy when humans realized the Milky Way was not the entire universe. Using the discovery of the Andromeda galaxy as a metaphor, the discussion highlights how being "unseen" by others doesn't diminish your inherent value.

• Key Themes: Self-worth, the scale of the universe, and the "Overview Effect."

2. Philosophy of the Villain: The Joker & The Prisoner’s Dilemma A look back at Heath Ledger’s portrayal of the Joker in The Dark Knight. The panel discusses the Joker as a "chaos agent" who uses psychological pressure to expose the fragility of human goodness.

• Key Themes: Social constructs, manipulation, and the "Prisoner’s Dilemma" in philosophy.

3. Navigating the Chaos Scale: The 2000s vs. Today Malcolm compares the current political and social climate to the tumultuous decade of the 2000s (bookended by 9/11 and the 2008 financial crash). The conversation explores how our perception of chaos shifts as we gain distance from historical events.

4. Rest as Resistance Drawing from the book Rest Is Resistance, Malcolm discusses the radical act of napping and slowing down in a society that equates productivity with human value.

5. Forgiveness vs. Acceptance The panel debates the practicality of compassion. Malcolm defines acceptance as a mandatory tool for survival—recognizing who people are without the expectation that they will change.

6. Rules vs. Boundaries: Workplace Survival with Dr. Raquel Martin A breakdown of Dr. Raquel Martin’s framework for black professionals. This segment clarifies the difference between a rule (an attempt to dictate someone else’s behavior) and a boundary (a decision about your own behavior).

Connect & Support

Male Media Mind is a grassroots organization dedicated to uplifting our community through dialogue and insight. Join our growing community and stay updated on all our content:

• Watch Live: Join us every Wednesday at 7:00 PM on the M3 YouTube channel for live engagement and panel discussions.
• Follow on Facebook: Stay connected with our latest updates and community posts at Male Media Mind.
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Rating & Review: If you enjoyed this episode, please leave a 5-star rating in your favorite podcatcher!

Peace.

Transcript

 M3 Bearcast Ep 94: Perspectives, Chaos, and the Power of Boundaries

M3 Bearcast Ep 94: Perspectives, Chaos, and the Power of Boundaries

Speaker 40: [00:00:00] Hello and welcome to the M three Bear Cast. My name is Malcolm Traverse. Male Media Mind is a grassroots organization dedicated to uplifting and unifying our community through dialogue, insight, creativity, and knowledge. And on this podcast, I go into detail on topics that are around conversations about co.

In this podcast, I go into detail around videos that are about communication, community, mental health, personal development, and spirituality. And I try to go about my thinking about selecting. Specific videos for my live streams, which are every Wednesday at 7:00 PM on the M three YouTube channel. On the YouTube channel, I try to have a lot more fun and engage with our audience.

I also have a panel and you'll hear clips from the live stream as we discuss some of the more deeper topics that I bring up. I like to have a variety of.

Videos to discuss. And so we go from laughing to crying, to thinking, to being upset. [00:01:00] And on this one I try to go into much more detail on specific topics. So let me get into it. I.

So in my first video, I'm discussing perspective and specifically the perspective of us in the universe, how very small we are, and what does that mean about, and how does that change our perspective of who we are.

In the video, stark talks about how. We could apply this to our own lives about the way that astrologers

star kid goes into detail about how astronomers discovered galaxies and how they were always galaxies, even if we did not recognize them to be such. But what about our place in the universe after. We recognize that we're not the only galaxy in the universe. It was a paradigm shift to go from the entire universe being the Milky Way galaxy to the Milky Way, just being one of many galaxies.

I, for one, find it fascinating that. Where we position our mind in a specific [00:02:00] place completely changes our perspective of self. It's one of the reasons why people have such change of perspective when they go into outer space, when they see a sunrise from orbit or a earth rise from the moon. The perspective shift is so great that.

You started to see yourself as part of a whole that you were not able to see before, even if conceptually you were able to imagine it.

Speaker 32: There's this parable in astronomy about when we discovered the other galaxies. Some people theorize that there are other galaxies. A lot of people thought that the milky wave was the only galaxy, the stars that we see, but you could see these faint objects. Clearly not a star. Kind of look like clouds of dust or gas.

Edwin Hubble makes some observation. Now you use this new spectroscopic technique. To realize that this enormous gas cloud, it couldn't be something that was in our galaxy. This thing had to be incredibly far away. He did this for several other of these [00:03:00] nebula and realized actually just a ton of galaxies all over the place.

So overnight we realized that. We are not the only galaxy. It's not just the Milky Way. The universe is teaming with galaxies. People didn't know that for so long. You think about early humans who looked up in the night sky and they saw a little fuzzy Andromeda, like nobody knows what that is. Nobody has any idea that that's actually another galaxy with a hundred billion suns or maybe millions or maybe thousands of Earth-like planets and probably life.

Nobody ever knew that. That was always a limitation. We didn't have the ability to see it for what it was. It still was. We just didn't know that. And now we do. Now we appreciate it more from the perspective of the galaxy. You can't let what humans think of you. You know, it wasn't a a gas cloud just 'cause we didn't have the ability to observe it.

And that resonates with me when you think about other people, somebody else not being able to see your value or your ability or your vision. Is not a commentary on whether or not you have good ideas. You cannot let an [00:04:00] external observer that may never be able to see. There was a chance that we were never gonna develop that technology.

Yeah, and never know, but that wouldn't make the Andromeda Galaxy any less remarkable. 

Speaker 33: And yeah, the scale of the universe is so massive. I remember when people were talking about the aliens. Barack Obama was on a podcast and someone asked him, are Aliens real? And bar was like, yes. But you know, they didn't show them to me.

We didn't know anything about him. And people were saying like, oh, the aliens were real. That's what triggered Trump to say, I'm gonna release the alien vials. What? I know this is the thing that happened in 2026. But if you understand the scale of the universe, it's obvious that there is. Alien life.

Somewhere in the universe, it's probably alien life on the moon and Mars and Europa. There's probably alien life, like microscopic life. There are these little microscopic animals called tardigrades. 

Speaker 35: Mm-hmm. 

Speaker 33: That can live in absolute like zero temperatures. Mm-hmm. Down in the crest of the earth and the bottom of the ocean.

They can live [00:05:00] inside comets. There's probably life. The problem is the vastness of the universe is incomprehensible. So in our galaxy, alpha Centura is the closest star to us is about four light years away. That would be about 50,000 years at the top speed that we can currently travel to get to that star system.

50,000 years. That's the closest star. 

Speaker 34: Mm-hmm. 

Speaker 33: There are about a hundred billion stars in our galaxy. And all of them are much, much further away than that star, then consider that the Andromeda Galaxy, the Galaxy closest to us is so far away whenever, I don't know, I haven't watched too many sci-fi movies about like, are they traveling between galaxies?

But truly, even if we had faster than light travel, it would not make any sense to travel to another galaxy. All the travel [00:06:00] would be within our own Milky Way galaxy. Because of the way light works and because of the universe, we can actually still see those galaxies. The light years that they are away is one of those numbers that's incomprehensible.

Billions upon billions of stars at that distance looks the same as a star in our own galaxy. So yeah, not only their. Aliens in our galaxy. There's probably aliens in thousands of trillions of galaxies. There's probably another, you somewhere out there, someone probably just like you that you will never know.

Quantum mechanics is the idea that there are probably parallel universes with different outcomes from different results on the probability scale, and you have that, uh, collapsing of the wave function. So there's just like a nearly infinite number, but that doesn't mean that you ever come in contact with them and that's okay.

Speaker 34: Malcolm, there literally could be an anti Mr. Manners out there. 

Speaker 33: There is probably, 

Speaker 35: I mean 

Speaker 33: the reality is it probably is, and not only that because time and space are kind of linked. You're not talking about just right now, but thinking about in the past, there's probably past civilizations on this planet that we don't know about, just 'cause they didn't leave any evidence.

We've had five different ice ages. It doesn't necessarily mean that we would leave artifacts of our existence.

Speaker 40: Now in this [00:07:00] video, we listen to a content creator talk about. What made Keith ledgers joker so impactful? And it tied into a conversation we had a few weeks prior about who your favorite villains were in that previous discussion. I actually chose Hannibal Lecter as my favorite, and that had to do with the way that he was able to be frightening even when he was completely restrained.

And the way that he was able to manipulate people even when he was at a disadvantage. I found that fascinating and powerful in some way that you can be in the powerless position and yet still be somewhat in control. Um, and in the case of the Joker 'cause he would be definitely high up on my list if it weren't Hannibal.

It also ties into this idea of control. Um, the joker in, [00:08:00] uh, Christopher Dolan's Dark Night series was a chaos agent, and he was trying to show that the idea of control and safety and civility and society was merely a construct within people's minds that could be destroyed if the correct pressure was placed.

On it. And it got into these philosophical dilemmas, one of which is often called the prisoner's dilemma, in which even though it may be in your best interest to stay together, to hang together, um, there's this external pressure for you to sell the other one out. It almost invites you to be selfish. And it was a.

Just an enjoyable look. It's into chaos and our ability to try to keep things together. Uh, the Joker will still be one of my favorite villains of all time.

Speaker 35: The Joker wants to show [00:09:00] people who they really are. When fear shows up, a message doesn't negotiate. It moves through a belief system to expose truth. He doesn't care about money or territory or even power.

He cares about proof. The Joker embodies an ancient role, a trickster, a tester. He puts pressure on people to reveal what's already inside them. He breaks the rules to show that rules only exist when life feels safe. People believe they're good. People believe they're gonna do the right thing. People believe they're different from criminals, and the Joker removes all of that.

He knows every soul has a breaking point, and that makes him a poison. A poison that moves through Gotham's body to see what it can endure. Batman's trying to protect people. The joker's trying to expose the people for who they really are. He's not trying to destroy Gotham, he's trying to expose its weakness, and that's [00:10:00] the genius of Nolan, how he shows the joker's true power.

He doesn't want to end the world. He wants to expose the lie that's holding it together. What is your favorite heath ledger? Joker line in the dark night 

Speaker 33: from before when we were talking about favorite villains, Heath ledger's. Joker is probably high up there for me, and one of the reasons why is exactly what he was saying about the reality testing towards the end of the movie where he does the prisoner's dilemma thing, where he is like trying to get them to kill each other was actually a philosophical, I forgot what you call it.

It's a treatise from philosophy basically. And so like. He's one of the more philosophical villains that exist. It's interesting.

Speaker 40: We're going through some of the most chaotic news cycles that anyone can imagine Donald Trump in his second term. Flouting all the norms of presidential politics. He is breaking the law. He is breaking norms. He's starting wars without any sort of announcement or buy-in from Congress or the American people.

And yet it may behoove us to look back into the two thousands and recognize that what we have survived already. Was incredibly chaotic in and of itself. So the 2000 presidential election, the [00:11:00] terror attacks of nine 11, the growth of the internet and of the surveillance state, the financial collapse in in 20 2008 and 2009 still has replication.

The financial collapse in 2008 is still echoing in our

economy and culture today. So will this decade be more chaotic than in two thousands? I mean, I guess so. I don't know. Like this, it's pretty bad. Uh, starting off with a pandemic. It is a really great way to beat the two thousands and, you know, go into another war. Um, but it's just interesting how perspective sort of shifts.

Um, as we get further away from it, the less chaotic it seems.

Speaker 36: A lot of people think we are living through a uniquely tumultuous or crazy period. This is not obvious to me. The 1910s, 1940s, 1960s, and two thousands all seem at least as crazy.

Okay, well I was only alive for one of these decades to two thousands. But if what we're going through right now in the [00:12:00] 2020s, let's say that's an eight on the chaos scale. If so, I would rate the two thousands at about oh, 127. This is not a competition, but I think when people look back and they see that the decade was bookended by the nine 11 attacks and the 2008 worldwide financial collapse.

They tend to think of those as singular events. Like, yes, nine 11 was bad, but it wasn't one thing. It was 10,000 things. It was the same fire hose of headlines and outrage that you see today. Only, we just didn't have smartphones. I don't ever hear anybody talk about the anthrax attacks. This was a week after nine 11.

Somebody sent a bio weapon through the mail. It killed several people. Everyone was scared to open their mail for months after this. And I don't hear anybody talk about this anymore. It's one of the many stories that just got lost in the chaos. The reason you have to take off your shoes at the airport is because just a few months later, somebody [00:13:00] tried to blow up a plane with a bomb they built into their shoes.

If this had gone off, it would have brought the plane down just two months after nine 11 nearby, another airline went down in a residential neighborhood in Queens. When this happened, everybody thought it was a terror attack and it turned out to just be an accident, but that plane had a nine 11 survivor on it.

Before that you had the wildest election ever. The 2000 election was so close that it came down to a few hundred votes. They had to count the votes by hand, but counting them by hand damages the ballot so much that to this day, we do not know who should have won. The Supreme Court declared George W. Bush the winner, and world history pivoted on that decision.

So like the war on tarot after nine 11, that was an avalanche of daily or even hourly headlines. In 2003, there were worldwide protests of this war that included 36 million protestors. It [00:14:00] was the largest protest of anything ever, and this was all organized in an era prior to social media. All of this was happening under the umbrella of the internet, which was brand new in the two thousands.

It was becoming mainstream. Within that decade, we went from a world where most people still did not have an internet connection at all to a world where the internet ran absolutely everything. We still don't grasp the fundamental cultural changes that came with the internet. Religious belief in the United States fell off a cliff with the internet, and then you get to the financial crisis of 2009.

We never recovered from this. The country was permanently different after this point. You can look on almost any graph. Look at the birth rates, look at the rates of people having mental health issues, and you can find 2008, 2009 on the graph. And keep in mind, the wars are still happening this entire time, and as that war went on, you kept getting this drip of revelations of scandals and [00:15:00] failures and abuses.

You got the surveillance state and the total loss of privacy for citizens. It was just a combination of a series of huge world changing events that came with the technology that let us all monitor it on a minute by minute basis. The amount of crazy, outrageous headlines the average person saw in a day probably went up by, I don't know, 10000%.

So yeah, this is not a competition, but having lived through both eras, most of the crazy stuff happening now is still just an offshoot of what happened in the two thousands. 

Speaker 33: I think one of the things, I feel everything feels worse when it's actually happening, especially if you don't know what it's about to happen.

When you look back at it, it's like, oh yeah, that could have just been fine. 

Speaker 34: So weird because I was just talking about the pandemic and remembering is this the way it's going to be forever? We just gonna be closed off from each other, and so you're right. Yeah. Like looking back at it now, it's just like.

Speaker 33: The pandemic was fucking 

Speaker 34: time. What a time we had. 

Speaker 33: Yeah, that was [00:16:00] pure insanity.

Speaker 40: We're going through some of the most chaotic news cycles that anyone can imagine Donald Trump in his second term. Flouting all the norms of presidential politics. He is breaking the law. He is breaking norms. He's starting wars without any sort of announcement or buy-in from Congress or the American people.

And yet it may behoove us to look back into the two thousands and recognize that what we have survived already. Was incredibly chaotic in and of itself. So the 2000 presidential election, the terror attacks of nine 11, the growth of the internet and of the surveillance state, the financial collapse in in 20 2008 and 2009 still has replication.

The financial collapse in 2008 is still echoing in our

economy and culture today. So will this [00:17:00] decade be more chaotic than in two thousands? I mean, I guess so. I don't know. Like this, it's pretty bad. Uh, starting off with a pandemic. It is a really great way to beat the two thousands and, you know, go into another war. Um, but it's just interesting how perspective sort of shifts.

Um, as we get further away from it, the less chaotic it seems.

Speaker 37: It's not selfish to take time for yourself so that you can be more available to the people in your life and to our society and to our planet. That's like the Bodhi Safa vow, right? I'm doing this practice for the benefit of all beings, not just so that I can feel better.

That's okay too, right? When I'm able to be more of the person I want to be, then I can be more available. That is what Engaged Mindfulness is really all about. It's that balance, that push pull. I'm taking care of myself so that I can show up, rejuvenating this body, heart, mind system, [00:18:00] not only for myself, but also so that then I can show up for everybody else around me, whether that's a child or a parent.

Or a spouse or a refugee, or a migrant or somebody in a vulnerable position. 

Speaker 33: I'm gonna have to put it in the group. There was this book called Rest is Resistance. It's been a while since I read it, but she had a ministry in Atlanta where the service was like, you did a prayer and then you took a nap. The idea was that there are so many people who have.

Believe that their productivity is their usefulness to the point where it drains you for the people around you in your community. Just saying that your value is not determined by your output, that you are enough as you are. That just by existing, by thinking, by perceiving the world, you're special, you're a miracle, you are enough, and [00:19:00] it's okay to take a nap.

And I think black folks in particular. Have had a problem with because of the stereotypes of black people being lazy. 

Speaker 34: Yes. 

Speaker 33: Now, the stereotype of black people being lazy actually comes from resistance. One of the ways that slaves were able to have some autonomy while being enslaved was to slow down when you're being forced to work and you're not being paid.

Right. Yeah. One of the ways you did it was like, break the instruments. You know? Like if you had to sell saw wood, you wouldn't sharpen the saw, you know? And oops, the saws broken. I can't do anything. You know, like, 'cause you're fucking forcing me to do things. I'm gonna put some gunk in the gears. I don't want to work.

I'm gonna full speed. But I do feel like some people have internalized that idea of don't look like you're lazy. And some people feel like to be lazy. Truly to be lazy is a sin. It is not. [00:20:00] Laziness is just a sign that you are not aligned with what you're doing. It is not 

Speaker 34: mm-hmm. 

Speaker 33: Energizing you, and it's not motivating you to do what it is you wanna do.

Because if you are actually aligned with what the work that you're doing, there's never enough time in the day to do everything you wanna do. There's just not enough hours. If it's something you really want to be doing, it's like, God damn, I gotta go to bed. I thought about that with Dr. Pookie when he tells me about what he's doing.

Writing grant proposals and bringing education to people within the school system is basically what he does is education grants and he will work till two in the morning and not realize. Oh yeah, I need to go to bed. Yeah, I 

Speaker 37: need to sleep. 

Speaker 33: I think when you like what you're doing, you try to do it as much as you can, and laziness is a sign that you're misaligned.

Our ancestors were, even if it wasn't intentional, they were misaligned, like they didn't wanna be there, like who wanted to be there, [00:21:00] like people who wanted to be there. The scariest part is that there were people. Who are diluted enough to want to be there.

Speaker 40: And so we talk about the difference between forgiveness and acceptance. Two different concepts, but they have a similar. Valence, right? So forgiveness is in a sense saying that you come to some sort of understanding as to why someone did a certain thing that you no longer feel the need to get even with that person.

Acceptance is similar to that, even though there may be some sense that you want to get even, or that they deserve punishment. Forgiveness, I feel like is acceptance plus grace, right? Acceptance is saying, I can still say fuck you, but I can accept the fact that I'm never gonna be able to change you. I'm never gonna be able to change the situation.

[00:22:00] And no matter what my opinion of it is, I've got to learn how to live with it. And you know, I feel like forgiveness is optional. Acceptance is mandatory. For any sort of situation that you find yourself in. Um, and we had an interesting discussion about that on the live because, you know, even as the video was playing, we were not feeling the concept of acceptance.

And I think it's perfectly natural not to want to.

Speaker 38: I want you to think about one thing or person in your life that you dislike and think about all of the circumstances that made them this way.

Recognize that this person maybe even is being an asshole on purpose. They have lived a life where they have learned to be. Assholes where they're rewarded for being assholes. So why would I expect them to be any different? And once you realize who they really are or what the situation really is, take a deep breath and have some compassion towards it.

So how do you practically do this? Recognize that [00:23:00] this person is the way they are, they're entitled. Told because they have lived a life where that kind of behavior has been rewarded. Maybe their parents were somewhat narcissistic, so they inherited a set of genes surrounded by people who tolerate this behavior.

So it just gets worse over time. But even then, the things that you dislike about them have been selected in their life. So once you notice that they are the way that they are, that this is basically in their nature and even if they have the capacity to change, they have chosen not. To, which is fine. They get to live their life the way they wanna live it.

You get to live your life the way you wanna live it. Once you have compassion or acceptance, once you realize who they are, think about your situation dispassionately, and start to develop a plan. How am I going to deal with this person? I'm not gonna wish they were different, right? Because that doesn't really help you very much.

It's not a good way to go through life wishing the people around you were different. This is the way that this person is. Accept it as a fact. Do it dispassionately. [00:24:00]

Speaker 34: I am not doing that because one of them is running the country. So Yeah, no, I'm not doing that. Sorry, bud. 

Speaker 33: Why do you think he wants you to do that?

Speaker 34: I mean, if it's somebody not like kales, I get it. That's their circumstance, but they still. Assholes, and 

Speaker 33: I'm not, 

Speaker 34: I'm not, I get what he's saying, but it's just like, no, I don't agree with that. Because they have the capacity to change and they gotta realize, well, here's the, well here the thing. Yeah. A lot of people probably don't like me and they're okay with that because they're an asshole.

So no, I'm not rewarded. 

Speaker 33: Right. Well, I think what he's getting at is that people are the way that they are for reasons beyond who they are. You know, like they are here because their parents brought them into this world, right? They didn't choose to be here. They didn't choose the circumstances, which formed their personality, and they didn't choose the reactions that people had to the way that they responded to the world.

Like certain people, I've heard people say it like this, you know, there are some people in this world who just hadn't gotten punched in the mouth hard enough yet. You know, like if Donald Trump, when he was 12 years [00:25:00] old, pulled some of the shit that he did and just got. Hit so hard that he has flashbacks, that the first time he even, he be a different person, moves his mouth to say that shit again.

He'd be like, oh no, I'm not gonna be an asshole right now because I remember that ass whooping I got. People don't choose the circumstances of their life. So I think the point that he's getting at is not necessarily that forgiveness for its own sake, you know, it's so that you can move easier through the world instead of moving through the world thinking that people should.

Behave a certain way. They should be good. They should be kind. They should be intelligent. They are the way they are because of the circumstances of this world. Acceptance is different than forgiveness. Acceptance is just saying they're gonna be that way. There's nothing that can, how do I move through the world?

Either avoiding them or not triggering them as much, not feeling resentful for them being the way that they are. 

Speaker 34: Mm-hmm. 

Speaker 33: With Trump and. [00:26:00] First administration resenting the fact that he is not gonna get caught. I get into it with Greg all the time about him losing, and I do love Amanda's ELs for the week, but he's not losing.

He really isn't. He loses a lot of little battles, but he's gonna be fine. He is gonna get away with billions if he dies, which honestly, I don't know, he's approaching 80 years old. Eventually the stress will get to him, but even then it won't be good enough. 

Speaker 34: Right? 

Speaker 33: And I have accepted 

Speaker 34: that they still find a lot of makeup on the back of his hands.

They had a picture of his hand during the state of Union, and it is caked up. It's like, yeah, I don't know what they're doing, but he is. He is. 

Speaker 33: Well, 

Speaker 34: not 

Speaker 33: really, from what we know, those are IV ports. 

Speaker 34: Right. 

Speaker 33: What they are pumping into his body is up for debate. 

Speaker 34: Right. 

Speaker 33: But I think that's easily. Determined that that is an IV infusion of some sort.

I 

Speaker 34: mean, he's not the healthiest person in the world, although he likes to pretend that he is. But 

Speaker 33: yeah, no, [00:27:00] he's such a liar.

Speaker 40: So this perf, uh. We then listened to a video about the differences between boundaries and rules. And I've heard her talk about this before, but I think she spoke about it in, in such joy and clarity in this video. And my takeaway from it was that, uh, boundaries create rules for other people that you can try to get them to follow.

Ultimately, your boundaries are things that you respect within yourself. Whatever rule that you want other people to do, whatever behavior you want other people to follow, that doesn't change what you have to do for yourself in order to feel safe, to feel respected, um, to maintain and to stay in relationship with other people.

You get to decide if it's worth staying or if you want to leave the situation. And, uh, it's, it's really eyeopening because [00:28:00] sometimes there are boundaries that we may want to implement for ourselves, but the cost of leaving are so high that maybe we have to choose other boundaries that, or more.

Defendable because you know, certain boundaries you know, will be violated. You may have to choose something a little bit more creative in order to have respect for the boundaries you set for yourself. I

Speaker 4: Okay. Three different types of boundaries that you have to have in order to thrive in your workplace. Hello, my name is Dr. Raquel Martin. I'm a licensed clinical psychologist, professor, scientist, and podcast host. And if you're here, you're here to learn. So let's talk about some practical strategies for setting workplace boundaries without the fear of career consequences.

So black professionals often have to navigate a tricky line between self-advocacy and the perception of being difficult or ungrateful. And the key to setting boundaries is strategy and consistency. So let's start with three boundaries that you need to [00:29:00] have in the workplace. Now, just a reminder, there's a difference between boundaries and rules.

Boundaries guide your behavior while rules attempt to dictate someone else's. And there's places for both of those in relationships. But the reason why it's so important to know the difference is between someone can violate a rule and a boundary can stay firm. For example, the rule can be the fact that you cannot scream in any space.

It's disrespectful. However, your boundary can be. I don't stay in spaces where I feel disrespected or unsafe, and something that may make you feel disrespected or unsafe is being screamed at. So you get into that work meeting, someone raises their voice, they broke that rule. However, the boundary is the fact that you do not stay in any space that makes you feel uncomfortable or unsafe.

So you get up say, this is making me feel uncomfortable, and you leave. You see what I'm saying? Rule was violated. Boundary stayed firm. So that's the difference. Let's keep going. Now. One is a time boundary. If your work hours are 9, 2 5, stop responding to emails at 9 0 1 because if you are responding to them, they gonna think you working.

Now here's the difference between a boundary and a rule. The boundary is that I don't respond to emails after five. Oh, after five [00:30:00] o'clock. The rule could be, oh, don't send me emails at 5 0 1. Now somebody gonna send you emails at 5 0 1 'cause you can't dictate their behavior, but you can dictate your own and not respond at 5 0 1.

Okay? So once again, rule would be you can't send me that email boundary would be, I'm not responding to that email. And the reason why it's so important is because what? You can only change what your own behavior. Let's continue now. Next is an energy boundary. You need to protect the emotional labor that you have.

You do not have to be the office therapist or the one who's always fixing the diversity issues. 'cause here's the thing, I'm a licensed clinical psychologist and I'm not out here working for free. 'cause this is not therapy. This is psychoeducation. Okay? You will know you're in therapy with me because you will receive what?

An invoice. All right? So if that's not your role, if you're not the person who's dealing with diversity, equity, inclusion, and belonging, and there's not many of you, so you'll know if it's you, that's not your job. All right? All right. So what's the difference between a boundary and rule in this scenario?

So let's start with the rule. The rule would be don't talk to me about your feelings. I don't wanna hear about your feelings. Okay, don't [00:31:00] talk to me about the first time that you read. So you wanna talk about race, which is an amazing book, by the way. I just wanna put that out by Ija. That's, that's beside the point.

Don't talk to me about it. I don't wanna hear it. That's a rule. 'cause you're telling them what they gonna do, right? However, your boundary will be something different. Your boundary will be, I'm not gonna ask a million different questions, uh, when it comes to querying about what's going on in your personal life.

Because not only, um, do I not particularly care, I'm also at work and I'm trying to get work done. I'm not gonna take on that additional test when it comes to, um, starting that new employee resource group. Even though, um, it's needed, I'm sure someone else will do it. And if someone asks me and provides me with any additional compensation time or energy, I will think about it.

But that doesn't mean it's gonna be a yes. You see what I'm saying? You see what I'm saying? It's the difference between a boundary and a rule. Okay? Because a boundary guides whose behavior, your behavior, a rule, guides, attempts, attempts to dictate someone else's. So once again, so, so far we have had, uh, what kind of boundary time and energy.

So the next boundary is communication. Communication boundaries mean that you need to practice firm, but professional ways to say no. And you know [00:32:00] what? It's really important to realize that no doesn't always mean forever. It could mean not right now. So lemme give you some examples of how are we gonna do that.

I cannot take that on right now, but I'll revisit it next month. I have no problem on taking on that task, but I do wanna discuss which tasks you're gonna take off my plate so that I can divert my energy to this one. And one of the reasons why, uh, this is really important is because communication is the contributing factor, or lack of communication is the contributing factors to so many boundary violations and difficulties.

Okay? For example, if someone says they need something asap, you need to have some communication boundaries. Your communication boundary needs to be that I always need to have a date and time when something needs to be due because by having a date and time, I will know if I met or missed that standard.

So, for example, someone tells you they need something asap, done ASAP on the calendar, someone says asap. What's your communication boundary? Your communication boundary is the fact that you do not take on tasks that you do not need, that you do not know the exact day and time that they need to be done.

So how do you, how do you make sure you stick to that boundary? How do you make sure you stick to that boundary? You say, thank [00:33:00] you so much for providing me with this task. I totally understand it needs to be done. Just for clarification, I do need the date and time when this is due so I can make sure that I miss and that, that I meet and not miss the mark.

All right? Boundaries are not about being defiant, they're about being clear and consistent so people can learn what to expect and learn what to provide you with. In addition, the reason why it's so important to know the difference between boundaries and rules, because when someone violates a rule, that's one thing, but when someone violates a boundary, that person is you and you need to take, take some time within yourself to see what contributed to you violating that boundary.

'cause you're the person who creates it. So you're the person who breaks it. If you want more about, uh, questions that you should possibly ask yourself or certain ways that you can get to the bottom of what contributed to you violating your boundary. 'cause who violates the boundary? You Good job. Let me know below.

Below. I know I do this for a living. I'm here for it. 

Speaker: So I did love that because I've heard her talk about boundaries and rules before, and honestly it didn't click for me until she gave some really, like, concrete examples. Um, and it, 'cause I think we often talk about people violating our boundaries, you know?

Right. Um, but what that is, is you're, they're violating the rules that those boundaries, you know, contributed to setting, right? 

Speaker 5: Mm-hmm. 

Speaker: You ask someone not to do a certain thing, um. And you can call 'em rules, you can call 'em boundaries, you [00:34:00] can call 'em whatever you want. But like, the difference is a boundary is, I guess you could say the rules that you set for yourself.

Right? And you're the only one who can violate your own rules for yourself. Like when you decide not to leave a room where someone's yelling at you 

Speaker 3: mm-hmm. 

Speaker: You're saying now to yourself that it's okay for me to be here when I'm not comfortable, you know? 

Speaker 3: Right. 

Speaker: Um, you say, well, they might be having a bad day.

I'm just gonna stick this out. Like, you gotta, you know, if you have a boundary, sometimes, you know, for the benefit of the doubt of the other person, you might want to violate your own boundaries. I get that. But when you do that, obviously you are setting an example for them to break the rules that those boundaries set.

Right. Right. And um, you're saying that it's okay for you to disrespect any of those boundaries of the relationship because you don't respect them. You know, like when you say you're not gonna do something and you do it, you know, and they're like, well, I can do it whatever I want. 

Speaker 5: No, you can. Yes I 

Speaker: [00:35:00] can. So, yeah, no, that was clarifying.

I like those, all those too, like. The rule being don't email me after five. The boundary being, I don't respond to emails after five. You know? 

Speaker 2: Mm-hmm. 

Speaker: Yeah. So you can email all you want, 

Speaker 2: right? You can all you want.

Speaker 40: All right. And that will do it for this episode of the M three Bear Cast. If you enjoyed this episode, please. Give us a five star rating in your pod catcher, and if you would consider becoming a paton at patreon.com/male MediaMind. You'll get access to our after shows for our live streams as well as our telegram groups.

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And so thank you for listening and I will catch you in the next episode piece.