Deconstruction, Perfectionism, and Narcissism

Podcast Description: M3 Bearcast Ep. 96 – Deconstruction, Perfectionism, and Narcissism

Welcome to another deep-dive episode of the M3 Bearcast. In Episode 96, host Malcolm Travers and the Male Media Mind panel take the "bullshit test" to popular social media advice, dissecting the psychological and philosophical layers of how we navigate the modern world.

This episode isn’t just about reaction; it’s about insight. We explore why moving away from religion is a neurological battle, why narcissism is actually a cognitive limitation, and why so many of us choose "exciting" chaos over "boring" stability in our romantic lives.

Key Discussion Points:

• The Neuroscience of Religious Deconstruction: Why "cradle atheists" often misunderstand the trauma of leaving faith. We discuss the disruption of the "meaning network" in the brain and the loss of a divine attachment figure.
• Narcissism as a Hindrance to Intelligence: A fresh take on narcissism—not just as an insult, but as a cognitive ceiling. If you can’t admit you’re wrong, can you ever actually grow?
• The Language of Men’s Emotions: Why "How does that make you feel?" is often the wrong question for men. We discuss meeting men halfway by focusing on physical sensations and actions to unlock deeper emotional truths.
• Perfectionism & The "Master Teacher": A powerful conversation on why perfectionists rob themselves of their best lessons. Learn why "failing forward" through real-world projects is the only antidote to a fragile ego.
• The Tension of "Aliveness" in Dating: Why does decency bore us? We look at the "Campsite Rule" of dating and the specific challenges within the queer community when it comes to balancing the thrill of liberation with the need for substance.

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Transcript

 Deconstruction, Perfectionism and Narcissism M3 Bearcast Ep 96

Deconstruction, Perfectionism and Narcissism M3 Bearcast Ep 96

Speaker 40: [00:00:00] Hello and welcome to the M three. Bear cast. My name is Malcolm Traverse. Male Medium Mind is a grassroots organization dedicated to uplifting and unifying our community through dialogue, insight, creativity, and knowledge. And on this podcast, I go into detail about some of the topics I bring up on my live streams on YouTube each Wednesday at 7:00 PM Eastern, where I discussed topics around communication, relationships, spirituality, philosophy, and mental health.

And. I grabbed videos from TikTok and Instagram and I play them for my panel and for the audience. And we sort of bullshit test, um,

the advice that we get from the videos. And so I grabbed five of the videos that I, I

saw, grabbed five of the videos. I played on the livestream as well as some of the commentary, and I plan on going into detail about what we thought about it and why I chose the videos.

The first was on religious deconstruction and how sometimes people who have always been [00:01:00] atheists are.

Adversarial to those who are newly deconstructing from religion.

Then we watch a video about why narcissism might be a 

Speaker 41: hindrance for growth and intelligence.

We discuss how we might talk to men who lack language to discuss their emotions.

Then we talk about perfectionism and failure as a teacher,

and while people who are romantic may be not looking for stability in their relationships, alright, let's get to the videos.

Speaker 40: So I'm a person who was religious as I was younger, and not for any particular reason other than the fact that I went to church and I wanted to believe in something. And I can't even say that I fully believed in anything. I just thought, well, this is what you're supposed to do. You're supposed to believe.

Um. I did my best. I gave it a, you know, the, a good college try, but eventually I couldn't stand, um, lying to myself about [00:02:00] the questions that I had about religion. That didn't mean that I didn't have a thirst for some form of spirituality. And certainly when dealing with mental health challenges and. Deep sense of nihilism and meaninglessness.

You know, religion offers an answer that I wish worked for me, and so I did a lot of personal, um,

investigation into different spiritual practices, seeing if any of it would work for me. And I found some advice from Eastern philosophy. And mysticism useful, but honestly, um, I think it's like figuring out what really means something to me. And I think at the end of the day, I care about consciousness and the experiences of conscious beings.

This is often expressed by existentialist philosophers and the idea that meaning is something that conscious beings create. It's not [00:03:00] necessarily something that exists outside of consciousness, and that's okay. Like I think a lot of times, uh, for myself when going into religion, I was looking for some sort of meaning outside of myself and um, that may never be there.

But one of the problems that some people who have been atheists all their lives, uh, may have towards my investigation of. Spirituality and religion might be, why do you need to do all that? Just be a good person and you know, love the people who love you. You know, it's not that complicated and I think this creator kind of says, well, you know, that's nice.

I'm glad that works for you. But there's a lot of us who really wanted religion to work for us and you know, I think this content creator was deeply. In the sauce of Mormonism. And so, you know, deconstructing for her was not just painful in a psychological sense, but also in a social sense that she had to alienate herself from a lot of the [00:04:00] people in her life.

So I'm gonna play the video and some of the commentary that we had after her and, um, pop, enjoy.

Speaker 34: Here's something that really annoys me about secular people lately. Yesterday I was on the YouTube channel Myth Vision. It was one of my favorite conversations of the year. I really enjoyed it, so go check it out. But a lot of the comments were just really against me, and when I'm getting in the comments section, a lot of lately is that atheists aren't resonating with my story and think that I'm full of shit.

And this isn't about me getting negative comments like I'm a big girl, I can handle it. This isn't me being a victim, but I think it should be okay in the secular world that some people were raised in secularism and some people had some kind of deconstruction, and those are different experiences and that should be okay.

Because when you were raised secular and you listen to me talk about religious deconstruction or nihilism or existential crisis, that may not resonate at all with you because when I'm talking about these changes, but you've always felt that there was no God. You look around and realize that [00:05:00] everything dies and you accept it.

You just be a good person for the sake of being a good person, and those things were all normal for you. Those were just how you grew up. Then it can be hard to understand why that was. So hard for us coming from religion and why our brains sometimes shut down when the anchors that we built our life on fall away.

If you just look at the neuroscience, just the neuroscience, what a brain goes through with religious deconstruction is incredibly difficult and takes a long time. Brains filter information based on narratives and story, and so the brain doesn't know what to do. When you've lost that story, there's attachment system disruption because you've lost your divine attachment figure.

Your meaning network has been disrupted in the brain, which means the brain no longer knows how to set goals and accomplish them because it doesn't know what the hell it's doing anymore. There's huge amounts of heightened anxiety in response to existential uncertainty. Not only that, you're getting a lot of danger signals in your brain because you are losing your community and it feels like [00:06:00] dying because when you lost your tribe thousands of years ago, you actually did die.

So when I go onto these podcasts, especially with a secular or atheist audience, I'm talking about how to work with your existential fears. I'm talking about nihilism. I'm talking about building up rituals for your psychological stability and frameworks. I'm talking about how do we borrow tools from existentialism and absurdism and optimistic nihilism and Buddhism and mysticism and stoicism to help you recreate a life.

And so many people just say, you don't need to do that. You're crazy and you're full of it. And I'm so glad, like I'm. So happy that you didn't have to do that. Like I'm glad that secular people who are raised secular are just out there living their lives and they're just good people because they wanna be good people and they just know that they have this one life and they're doing their best to live it and with their friends and family and that it's no big deal.

It, I just want to say to secular people, that was not the experience for everyone. I'm so glad you had that experience, but that was not our [00:07:00] experience coming from religion and that should be okay. 

Speaker 35: Yeah. You know what's funny is I can fall into that even though I didn't really have a super religious upbringing.

I just have this, this desire, thirst for knowledge, uh, thirst for meaning, uh, curiosity about the way things work. And even though I was in a fairly open denomination growing up, you know, the answers were. It's subpar, right? I understood where people are coming from. I understood the idea that the sort of metaphors that they were giving and it just didn't click because of course people took these things to be literally true and not metaphors.

So I think when I left religion, I really did have to rebuild because that those desires didn't go away, even though my. My faith did, right? The underlying desire to, to find meaning in things, but also recognized when I did get around [00:08:00] other secular people and people who are atheist or agnostic or non-religious, whatever you wanna say.

Yeah. A lot of them are like, what are you doing? Who cares? These stories are meaningless. Who cares? It's just some shit people came up with and I'm like, it must be nice. I don't know. I don't understand why. I'm like this. I'm not saying you have to be any sort of way, but to me it just feels normal to wonder why and to ask questions.

Right? 

Speaker 40: So there's a lot of talk about narcissism on the internet, and I think it's just because people have had shitty exes and they wanna call them narcissist, but narcissism is real. I think it's on a spectrum. I don't think everyone who's mean is a narcissist, but the concept of narcissism is that you think the world revolves around you and you have no problem.

Um. Manipulating other people to get the things that you want for yourself. Uh, thinking about other people is clearly just a strategy that you do to get more of what you [00:09:00] want. Um, and I think this creator makes the point that narcissists, while we loathe them all the time, any narcissist in your life you're gonna probably despise.

Once you recognize what they are, there is some pity to be given to them because a lot of growth comes from. Recognizing when you're wrong. And also the idea that empathy, emotional empathy, not just psychological empathy is a deep form of intelligence, um, that they lack. So, uh, here's the video maybe gave me some, uh, perspective.

Speaker 37: Here are five reasons why narcissists are, I don't wanna use the word stupid. 

Speaker 35: Why not? '

Speaker 37: cause it's not meant to be an insult, just like a genuine observation. Let's put it this way, five reasons why I would never take the words or opinions of a narcissist seriously. And. Any capacity for any reason.

Number five, they will reject any opportunity to have a different perspective, even if that different [00:10:00] perspective would like greatly benefit them because ego over any logic, right? Number four, because supply is their main goal, and if you don't know what supply is, this is pretty much what the narcissist is after.

This is what it's all about and what it ever will be about. It's your emotional reaction. Any. Emotional reactions, time, energy, engagement in pointless conversations. Pretty much any energy and attention that you exert towards them is what they are feeding off of. And yeah, it's as.

Ridiculous as it sounds like it is, because it is number three, the fact that they could have just not treated you like shit to begin with, and they would've just gotten supply anyways without having to work too hard for it. But hey, we can't reason with unreasonable people. So number two, in my opinion, I think empathy is like the most primitive form of intelligence that a person can have.

The cavemen probably figured out pretty quickly, Ooh, this [00:11:00] hurts. I don't like this. I'm not gonna do this to somebody else. And this is not to be confused with the cognitive empathy that narcissists have. Like they can perform empathy, but they don't actually have empathy. Because if they did, they would've never done all of this shit that they've done to you.

And number one, if you're like a grown as. Adult and you genuinely believe that the world revolves around you. That just tells me you have the mentality of a toddler and no offense to toddlers, but like I wouldn't necessarily go to one for any kind of serious advice or opinions on anything. Maybe once they've gained wisdom in adulthood, potentially if I needed information, but.

Yeah. Narcissists don't grow out of that mentality. Yeah. 

Speaker 35: It's say interesting take honestly, because one, I think there's a lot of discussion about narcissists online that is very popular and I think, how do I put this? A lot of people [00:12:00] want to deem anyone who's been an asshole to them as a narcissist and who are we to say whatever.

If you wanna do that. But there are narcissists in this world, and if you've ever encountered one, I have never really thought about the fact that they are limited in some major ways. So the one they said emotionally emotional intelligence is intelligence, right? Empathy is a form of intelligence, probably the most basic form.

Then there's the idea that you could probably have gotten what you want without having to control people and manipulate people. You say you could have just asked.

You don't have to have it your way all the time. And another point that they made was they have a difficulty changing their minds much more so than other people. And we're all wrong about something at some point. So if you are wrong, you just stay wrong. If you're a narcissist, you can't change your mind because [00:13:00] then I have to admit to myself that I was wrong.

Yeah, you dumb you. If you can't change your mind, you dumb. And I honestly never really heard that, so thank you. That helped because it's true. It helped a lot. I was like, oh yeah. Yeah. 

Speaker 40: So we talk a lot about men. Um. Most of the, uh, men on our panel are bisexual, pansexual, gay, trans. We have, you know, it is a very, uh, queer podcast. And so oftentimes we also so kind of pick on, um, the constrictions that society places on straight men, especially people who are afraid of being considered queer or gay or.

Um, trying to exude a sort of, um, toxic masculinity. And one of those traits that some people, um, engage in is, um, purposefully lacking the language to talk about their own emotions. Now, anger, of course, is perfectly fine. Uh, sexual [00:14:00] desire is perfectly acceptable. Um, both of those not recognizing our emotional needs.

Um, needs for intimacy and anger are both emotions, but, uh, those are acceptable. Um, everything else not. And so if you're having a conversation with a man about, um, things that are deeply emotional, maybe hurtful or traumatic, or even embarrassing. You might need some other way to get to the emotion. And he talked about actions.

Um, something that men have been socialized to do is to, to act on our emotions, right? Like when someone comes to a man with an emotional conversation, he'll often give them advice on things they could do. And oftentimes this is what men might do for themselves. Let's say they. Are in a situation that is deeply emotional.

Ask 'em what they should do and why they should do it. You know, instead of saying, how does that make you feel? Ask 'em, what do you think you should do? [00:15:00] And there may be an emotion underneath that action. Let me play the, the video. And I thought it was, uh, fascinating, uh, to think about if you have a person in your life who doesn't have the language to talk about emotions, that you can meet them halfway.

Speaker 36: If you're a therapist working with men, please stop asking. How does that make you feel? I'm serious. Most men do not have the vocabulary to answer that question, and when they cannot answer it, they're likely to shut down and you're likely to lose them.

Okay? Ask him what he did next, or ask him what's happening in his body or ask him if there was something that he wanted to say but he didn't. When you give him a door that he can actually walk through, he'll open up. Men do not open up because you ask. Them to, they open up because you ask the right question.

I know it's work, I know, but the right question is never the one that requires a language that they were never taught. 

Speaker 35: Yeah. So I found that one interesting as well, because I think we were talking about how sometimes people are limited, men might be limited in their language for describing their [00:16:00] feelings.

So like it, like you was saying, instead of saying, how did that make you feel? You can ask, what did you want to do in response to that? What would be your next steps? How did, how did you feel in your body when you heard that? So they could actually describe the physical sensations. And the other thing is to offer people, and it sounds really basic, but like options.

Instead of saying, how did you feel today? You could say something like, was there anything that upset you or made you angry or made you sad today? Was there anything that had, you could actually name the feelings that you're interested in hearing about? Was there anything that upset you today or was there anything that was interesting to you today?

Did you notice something different today? Or something like that. If you wanna have a conversation about things that are beyond feelings, but often bring up big feelings. Talk about the actions or events that might bring up those feelings rather than the feelings themselves. And I think this is all just because [00:17:00] of socialization.

Boys are socialized into acting directing. Interacting with people in a physical way. If you take, let's say what you'll call it, the stereotypical ways that children play. Boys are like the cowboys and Indians, the action figures, the train building robots and Legos or whatever. You're building stuff. It's a very physical thing.

Girls are playing house and tea parties and having conversations in the Royal Court of Princess Donut or whatever, whatever, princess 

Speaker 38: Donut. 

Speaker 35: Yeah. There's a, they will have a total imaginary friend that they are going around with and having conversations and like they from a very young age, have internalized emotions in the things that they wanna feel.

You know what I'm saying? 

Speaker 38: Yeah. 

Speaker 35: Yeah. The Easy Bake Oven was a girl's toy because they wanted [00:18:00] to experience the feeling of what it's like to feed a family. Like seriously. It's like 

Speaker 38: it was 

Speaker 35: the 

Speaker 38: girls toy. 

Speaker 35: It's, it is a girl's toy, but guess what? It's okay. It. I had one. I know I did too, so,

Speaker 36: okay. 

Speaker 35: It is a girl's toy, but guess what?

Or cookies. 

Speaker 36: And cakes. Or cakes. 

Speaker 35: I know, right? I had little oven. Yeah. But no, yeah, it of course, I'm sure boys play with it differently 'cause we are gonna eat, our girls will bake a cake and four, an imaginary friend. And they will sit there and have tea, whereas we eat it 

Speaker 38: bingo. 

Speaker 35: So we're not having tea. And crets with imaginary people say, oh, it's so good.

Oh, thank you. 

Speaker 38: Make my 

Speaker 35: cake 

Speaker 38: watch and watch Woody Woodpecker. I sure 

Speaker 35: did. Exactly like we eating it. [00:19:00] They're presenting it to Ms. Penelope, their invisible friend. I'm talking about it. 

Speaker 40: So I loved this video from this creator who was talking about how being a perfectionist and avoiding failing is one of the biggest problems about being a perfectionist, is that. Failure is the best teacher you'll have in your life. And you can welcome failure by trying more difficult things. Um, jumping in before you have everything figured out, failing, and then having new questions to ask yourself about what it is uh, you need to do.

And recognizing that failure is just. One point in a story. So if the story ends with you, not ever trying that thing again, of course you failed. But, um, if you failed at a thing and then you go on to do something different or to fix the problem that caused that [00:20:00] failure, that's not really failure, right?

That that's just a turn in the story. That's a, a plot point and not failure. It's, uh, growth. So, um, I love the way that she puts it in her video, um, about how failure is a teacher. Uh, here we go.

Speaker 39: I think it's very sad that perfectionism robs you of the opportunity to learn from failure. I actually feel really fortunate that I failed at some tremendous things early in life because failure, she's a master teacher, like I sit at the feet of failure and I just respect her because all of my deepest, truest, cleanest, clearest, most infallible knowings come from failing from knowing what the fuck doesn't work.

And I'll tell you what doesn't work. Hiding from yourself. You can pretend to do it. You can distract [00:21:00] yourself with people and jobs and hobbies and drugs and sex and video games and whatever the fuck else. Like you can eternally distract yourself, but you cannot hide. Failure holds your face up to the mirror and says, bitch, look.

Speaker 38: Oh 

Speaker 39: look. Now what will you do about it? When you allow failure to be a teacher, you take the shame out of it. It becomes part of the learning experience instead of this destination you're supposed to avoid. 

Speaker 35: Yeah, I would say, yeah. For the perfectionist out here, you are robbing yourself of your life's biggest teacher, which is that feeling.

Of embarrassment that that hurt. Whatever it is, feel the shit out of it, but then have a really come to Jesus moment and be like, what can I do to keep that shit from happening again? If you don't ever try something, [00:22:00] that's a great way to never do anything. 

Speaker 38: Yeah, exactly. 

Speaker 35: And I was thinking about that, going back to the topic about if you feel it's too late in your life to do something that you've always wanted to do.

Yeah, it's, it is really easy to not do something until it, it's not easy until that, that, that feeling of regret kicks in because there are, there, it, it does, yeah. Like it's a lot more instructive to try something and fail at it. I'll give you an example. It's so silly on certain things that I will be doing on my computer, for instance.

It helps to have a project. Instead of trying to learn something abstract, say, okay, I'm going to try to code an app that will weigh out my food and count my calories quickly, and then I go through the process of creating the app or whatever, and. When I run into a problem, I try to [00:23:00] solve the problem, and then instead of trying to do all the studying ahead of time before you contemplating what you're going to do, just start, fail and learn.

In fact, this is on a much smaller level, but if there's something big you wanna do, try it. Fail from it, and keep going. The quest, the point is to get back up, learn what doesn't work. Hopefully your ego will be intact. 'cause I think that's the biggest part that a lot of perfectionists have. As a fragile ego, you're protecting your fragile ego from getting smashed.

Your face is gonna crack. You gonna feel bad and you'll be okay. You 

Speaker 36: will be awesome. 

Speaker 35: You, you'll get over it. You'll learn from it. You'll be better. Yeah, I think so. Yeah. If you're not better, at least you won't be afraid anymore. You won't be wandering anymore. 

Speaker 36: Yeah, 

Speaker 35: you have a good story. 

Speaker 40: So this [00:24:00] is the last video I'm talking about our hidden desires when it comes to dating. And what we really want out of a romantic partner. And are there differences between straight and queer love? Um, now first of all, obviously there's a wide variety of the ways that people love one another. I'm thinking in generalities about how a lot of queer people use the same template that straight people use in, uh, monogamous relationships.

And I've noticed that it just doesn't work for a lot of them. Um, and the reason being is that, you know, a lot of people have had pent up sexual urges from such a young age that once they are free to do what they want, um, monogamy just doesn't feel good to them anymore, and they're often looking for excitement and validation in sexual encounters.

That seems antithetical to a stable, uh, monogamous relationship. And I, it's a [00:25:00] long conversation that I'm probably gonna have on a lot of different, um, podcasts to try to do it without judgment or, um, just kind of observing the ways that we say we want relationships to be, um, stable and.

Enriching, but in reality want, you want excitement and validation, and I think there is a tension between the two and, uh, this content creator talks about that, and then we comment on it. Uh, here's the video.

Speaker 5: Well, I always ask single people, have you ever been on a date with somebody? Truly kind and compassionate, considerate, interesting. And the answer is always yes.

And then I ask, you know, why are you not with that person? Uh, and I get many answers. The answer I never get, which is true for so many people, actually, is, is that decency bores them. Many people aren't actually dating for companionship. They're, they're dating to feel alive. And how do I know this? Well, I've lost count, uh, the number of men I've known, uh, to who pursue selfish and volatile women while passing over perfectly kind and emotionally stable women.

Um, and I've also lost count of the number [00:26:00] of women who pursue clearly unreliable and volatile men, uh, while passing over loyal and consistent and generous men. So decency bores them. Um, so they're shopping around for a person who's gonna give them an adventure and a thrill, a feeling of aliveness. When a person has serious purposes and interest in their life, they're not wanting in fulfillment, purchasing, aliveness at the expense of stability is just a terrible bargain for them.

For many people, dating is how they ward off. Meaninglessness dating is their purpose. It's where the action is. It's where the hope is. It's where their identity is. And married people are not immune to this either. A man can have a loving wife in a happy home and still find himself one day sneaking off to have an affair.

People who have no higher purposes operating in their lives, transgression then becomes very attractive. People think you need to be evil to have an affair. You don't. You actually just need to be sufficiently bored with your life. Gen Z is drowning in dating terms like do it for the plotted situationship.

Soft launch, hard launch, have a roster. Uh, [00:27:00] cuffing season half these terms are just branding, cute branding for instability. You wonder why anyone would volunteer for this kind of pain. Well, because heartbreak gives you something to obsess over, something to overcome. It provides adrenaline. It provides meaning A decent partner would actually ruin, uh, the thrill.

A decent partner would actually calm them down and steady them, thereby exposing kind of the gaping lack of real meaning and purpose in their life and, and what is the end game in a few short years. They and their dream partner will be wrinkly and have joint pain. That Batty will have thyroid problems and that lover boy is gonna have back pain.

So the club's gonna close, the lights are gonna come on, the music is gonna stop. So no one outsource, aliveness and purpose to romance. Do what you should have done years ago. Take something seriously and become a great person onto yourself. 

Speaker: Well, this is actually the topic that I wanted to bring up. I actually brought this up on the Patreon last night, um, and just so randomly came up as the first one.

And the reason [00:28:00] why is I think one of the major purposes of my content in the show has been like a message in a bottle to some younger gays out there because I don't think that we give our community, um, some of the best advice we do, and I don't think they're getting it from their parents and so forth.

And I don't know, like the way that he described this may not apply to us particularly. It just reminds me of the idea that there is a certain amount of joy that gay people take in their freedom and liberation of their sexuality that then does not extend well to relationships. And I think a lot of times what I've noticed from my perspective, and I don't know if it's accurate, but just from.

What I see oftentimes is a lot of delusion as to what people really want. They say they want a [00:29:00] stable, you know, um, reliable partner, but what they really want is excitement. And so if they do get into a relationship, they're often avoidant of someone who's loving, right? So if someone shows them a little too much attention, they feel like clingy, like, why you gotta be over here all the time?

Why? You know, um, they feel anxious about, um, someone showing too much emotion too quickly, you know? Um, and at the same time when they do find a stable partner, um, like I said, I think he was just saying they find it boring. They get antsy and they start looking for the, the bigger better deal. Right? 

Speaker 2: The 

Speaker: bbb.

Speaker 2: Exactly. 

Speaker: The bbd, because it's just like, because this isn't what you really want and you've been 

Speaker 2: right, 

Speaker: you've been lied to in a sense. How, how, how do I put it? We may not be like straight people, honestly. 

Speaker 2: No, we're not. You know, that's funny about what you said. Swag and I were on our way in, uh, midnight journeys to the train station, you know, running, running for the border.

Um, and we were listening to somebody else's [00:30:00] podcast. I'm not gonna give anybody else a shout out. So the woman on there, she had met this other woman. They were, they were dykes. Lesbians. So 

Speaker 7: lesbian. 

Speaker 2: So lesbian. The lesbian. So the one lesbian met the other lesbian, but she clearly told her she did not want monogamy, right?

Like, nah, she's like, we can date, I'll treat you special. You know, but the other ones, and so she writes into them and she says, well, now I really, after six months of dating, I really wanna love her. I'm really into her, you know? And she goes to the bar and, and they hold her hands and stuff. This woman was like, well, how do I tell her, you know, I mean, I, I want monogamy, but she doesn't.

And I thought it was cruel at first. They were laughing at her, you know, they were like, bitch, you stupid. And I understand why, because if somebody tells you straight up, like they don't, right. Well, no, I mean, and, and you can feel like you, she is not disrespecting her, you know what I mean? Mm-hmm. She's treating her like a equal partner.

They're holding ass and kissing. So they ran into somebody at the [00:31:00] bar and it's like, oh, is this your girl? And the woman said sometimes and the other woman fell the pieces. 

Speaker: Oh, wow. Yeah, I guess so. 

Speaker 2: Yeah, because she wants, you know, but it, but so I, the thing that came out of that was like, you have to, and I tell people all the time, 'cause same thing with steak, potatoes.

You have to state your intention in the first place. And, and sometimes. The gays, I'm talking to you. If you just want to date and fuck and be a come dumpster, state that intention. Don't, don't meet someone that wants another intention or another outcome and you just along for the ride. 'cause you don't wanna be by yourself.

You know what I mean? Right. That that's the part that makes it disingenuous. And we're not like, like our heterosexual counterparts. We, um, some of us made for life, like old people, like old lesbians. But the plurality of us, especially when you're young and hot, you want to go and do young hot shit. You want to go down to here and do that and go here and go there and that's okay.

And then once [00:32:00] you, you know 

Speaker: Right. 

Speaker 2: You, 

Speaker: I think that's a really good one. I actually had a friend tell me about a situation he was in, so 

Speaker 2: mm-hmm. 

Speaker: Um, this is like a fairly high profile person Okay. Who he started dating and from the get-go he said, I'm not monogamous, but for you, I will be monogamous for a year and see how it goes.

Oh 

Speaker 2: wow. That's terrible. 

Speaker: Right. So when someone says that to you and you know, dead set that you do not want anything but monogamy, do you leave right then or? 

Speaker 2: Yes. Yes. But you, they told, but it's your fault because they've told you from the gate. Right. They like, Hey, you know, so why would you want them to, to sacrifice that?

Like you, they like, it's some type of weird con because you know, they just look at the calendar, they'd be like, woo, bitch, next year, March the 10th it is on, I'm fucking everybody, 

Speaker 8: I'm 

Speaker 2: everybody [00:33:00] nigga about, right? 

Speaker: Yeah. I think it was kind of the person who was Polly was like, he was hoping that over that year that this person might change their mind.

Speaker 10: Mm-hmm. 

Speaker: Um, that their relationship would deepen enough. But at least at the very, at the very least, he was honest from the get go that I'm not a monogamous person. I never will be. I could be monogamous for short period of time, but like, I can't go much more than a year with 

Speaker 2: Well, but lemme tell you, it is the other thing too.

They'd be like, look, if this pussy don't get him, I ain't, ain't nothing gonna get him. Like, yeah. You know what I mean? They'd be like, oh, you gonna change my mind? This snatch is the best snatch in America, you know? 

Speaker: I was like, well, you know, the honest response I gave to them was like, if it was a good year, then you know, I'm actually okay with it.

Like, if you learn something from it, you, oh. Uh, I've heard this idea of the campsite rule if you've ever been camping. 

Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah. The 

Speaker: idea was, um, it's a public space. 

Speaker 2: Okay. 

Speaker: You can use it, but you don't just clean up, you try to leave it better than what you found it. [00:34:00]

Speaker 2: Yeah. 

Speaker: You know, so like, if, if it's not dirty, you stock it with certain things, you know, you, you actually try to.

Leave something for the community that uses this thing. And so like, if you know that your relationship has a, um, a in by date, you know, like you want to leave them with some experiences that they will enjoy, some lessons learned, some experiences to remember and, you know, and it, I don't see that as necessarily a bad thing.

However, in this situation, it was a shit show. I mean, it 

Speaker 2: was, yeah, because you're still waiting for the end of the fucking year. You are still like, biding your time. Yeah. And then I, I dare say, I'm sure they broke up way before then because they, 

Speaker: they did, they do. 

Speaker 2: Right. Because it becomes a trust factor.

The point because lemme tell you something about the town of Straighten. I love the boredom. I love the, the idea of, you know, like when you're in grade school, you lick something and be like, eh, it's mine. Got it. Are 

Speaker: you like, uh, do you like daydream about splitting up chores either? Like I [00:35:00] You do the dishes.

I do the laundry.

Speaker 2: I'm gonna tell you like I one of my favorite memes on Instagram. I do not dream, I do not dream of labor. Of any sort of any sort. No. I don't mind doing, I just clean my own kitchen, but I don't mind doing that kind stuff. Yeah. But the point like when you get a certain age, like. So I was, I was in Tiana picture this, right?

Yeah. Last week I was in Tijuana. Right. Picture this. Right. And, and I was thinking to myself, you know, I live in a very loud, I've lived in very loud places, you know what I mean? Very loud. Yeah. New York, DC very loud, boisterous. Let's go here, let's go that. But this last two weeks, I've spent time in very quiet places.

Extremely small, mousy, quiet places. 

Speaker: That's interesting. Yeah. 

Speaker 2: Right. Well, I only knew a few people, you know, and you know, the friend circle was small, but everybody came to see me. You know, that was Chuck and Ja, and Hey y'all, what's up? You know, that kind of thing. And I thought to myself, I think I am at 50, [00:36:00] almost 3 53.

I am finally read. I can make that leap to suburbia without feeling like I'm missing anything. I think the same thing with relationships. You get to a certain place in life. 

Speaker: Yeah. 

Speaker 2: You feel like, okay, I don't need the flash and the dash. You know what I mean? I don't need Yeah. My boyfriend to have a helicopter, a ski boat, and, and you know, and access, yeah.

To the Epstein Island or whatever, whatever. It's, but you, you get to a place where you don't need those things now. 

Speaker: Yeah. 

Speaker 2: With that said, Malcolm, if someone tells you, Hey, from the gate motherfucker, this ain't my shit. Please stop trying to make it. They shit. Yeah. And that, that's all to that. Like it doesn't, and we are not going to be slut shaming people that believe in poll, because that's, 

Speaker: yeah.

No, it's, it's okay. It's all a matter of perspective, right. From a very conservative person, you're [00:37:00] gonna look like a slut and a horrible person. And so be it. Let them think whatever the fuck they want to think. And you live your 

Speaker 2: life. Know how DJ went off on me about steak, potatoes? 

Speaker: Yeah. 

Speaker 2: And he was just, and we've been friends for years.

I don't think we've been right since. Yeah. And I, I just, because he made the point to me that I led them on, because I simply said, I'm in a new place. I want to make friends. I got to find, I, I, I'm in new housing, I gotta find furniture and blankets, and I need to find a circle of friends. Right. Ass is not on the menu at the time.

It just was not on the menu. So let's, let's come on now. 

Speaker: How about, uh, how about you swag? Do you have any advice you would give the youngins, um, about, say excitement versus stability and like, knowing yourself? You know, what sort of advice I'm, 

Speaker 4: I'm gonna tell you what, what Judge Judy used to always say, uh, beauty fades.

It's like, yes. I mean, I get it. Like, you know, when you young, you want the. Dude who, you know, has got the six pack abs [00:38:00] and the chisel features and all that other kind of stuff. But does he treat you well? Does he treat you like you want to be treated? Or do you feel like, Hmm, I I'm telling you, it's like, I think you just have to just, you know, and I get it 'cause it is exciting, you know, you got this hunk on your arm and you think, you know, oh, you know, he, he loves me, he wants to be with me and all this other kind of stuff.

But then it's like, but is is there any substance there? Not to say that, you know, pretty people can't be of substance, but in my opinion, pretty people are just like, they rely on pretty, and they like, I have no substance. And, you know, I mean, it gets 'em through life and that's okay. Why take 

Speaker: offense to that as a pretty 

Speaker 4: person?

Speaker: I'm just saying substance is expensive. 

Speaker 4: Right, exactly. So, you know, 

Speaker: expensive. 

Speaker 4: Don't, don't, don't be like the mean, like, you know, oh, you know, I'm so lonely. Nobody wants to be with me. I can't find nobody. And then somebody walks up to you and be like, I wanna be with you. And you look at 'em, you're just like, I just, I just can't find nobody.

Nobody [00:39:00] wants to be with me. Oh, why, why is 

Speaker 2: substance expensive? I wanted 

Speaker: to. It takes, it takes, uh, dedication. It takes discipline, it takes introspection, self-awareness, you know, it is difficult. It, it is uncomfortable, you know, uh, a person of substance actually has to change their mind and feel the sting of being wrong and being okay with that.

It's much easier to just, you know, just, you know, be a fluffy, you know, popcorn person and not, I mean, it's just easier. 

Speaker 2: It just, well, I, I do, I say this all the time, and Malcolm made me realize this. There is, there was a different Gregory before my mother died, and after there was a dis there was a demarcation line that, that, and, and it was about her death.

Yes. But it was then, you know, time became real and how treated other people [00:40:00] became real. So, yeah, you're right. It is expensive, but I don't know. Some people ain't willing to pay the cost now, you 

Speaker: know? 

Speaker 2: No. 

Speaker: And they don't really need to. I think sometimes the circumstances of their life are such that, why would you need to if you're hot 

Speaker 40: Alright, and that'll do it for this episode of the M three Bear Cast. I appreciate you listening to this point. If you would consider becoming a patron, go to patreon.com/male MediaMind. We have, after shows from our live streams, we have, uh, telegram groups. Um, we have a book club that you can join. Uh, we can read together, we can talk about the news.

You can, uh, advise us on topics that you want to do on the show. And of course, like I said, uh, we interact with our patrons after the live show. It's off for everyone else. And so come join us, uh, mail media mind live.com. We'll connect you to all of our social media platforms and, uh, thank you so much for listening to this episode, and we'll catch you in the next one.

Peace.