Ever feel like you're walking through life with a perpetual frown? Are you tired of how your grumpy moods are impacting your relationships, especially within your family? You're not alone.
Today, we unpack the mystery behind our random, or not so random, bouts of grumpiness and how they can hinder our connections with loved ones. We highlight the role of basic needs and we disentangle how our view of God can significantly influence our attitude and consequently, our interactions. We also debate the critical importance of being selective about what influences our lives and how that can fundamentally affect our overall mood.
Join us in this journey of exploring and navigating crankiness to build stronger relationships within your family.
Helpful Links from this Episode:
Get connected with Parenting to Impress:
Facebook Group: /groups/ABCJLM
Facebook: /heidi.franz.2911
Instagram: /abcjesuslovesme/
Subscribe to Blog & Newsletters: forms.feedblitz.com/5r0
Thanks for listening!
Ever feel like you're walking through life with a perpetual frown? Are you tired of how your grumpy moods are impacting your relationships, especially within your family? You're not alone.
Today, we unpack the mystery behind our random, or not so random, bouts of grumpiness and how they can hinder our connections with loved ones. We highlight the role of basic needs and we disentangle how our view of God can significantly influence our attitude and consequently, our interactions. We also debate the critical importance of being selective about what influences our lives and how that can fundamentally affect our overall mood.
Join us in this journey of exploring and navigating crankiness to build stronger relationships within your family.
Helpful Links from this Episode:
Get connected with Parenting to Impress:
Facebook Group: /groups/ABCJLM
Facebook: /heidi.franz.2911
Instagram: /abcjesuslovesme/
Subscribe to Blog & Newsletters: forms.feedblitz.com/5r0
Thanks for listening!
Melanie Simpson: 0:00
On today's podcast, we want to talk about what to do when you are just feeling grumpy. If you haven't listened to the podcast where we talked about gratitude and thankfulness, hit that one first and then come here for those days when you are just not feeling it.
Heidi Franz: 0:18
Welcome back to Parenting to Impress, your go-to podcast, to learn practical ways to love God and love others and impress this on the hearts of your children. I am your host, Heidi Franz, and I am joined by my dear friend, Melanie Simpson. Two moms who've made a lot of mistakes but have found grace and truth along the way.
Melanie, I think what you just said resonated with a lot of moms and a lot of teachers. We shouldn't be grumpy because it's Thanksgiving and it's November…right? It's no-grumpy November.
Melanie Simpson: 0:53
And then we've got Christmas coming and all the things and all the people we're going to be around, and we should be so happy.
Heidi Franz: 1:00
So, what happens when you don't feel happy? That is what we're going to discuss today, because you and I have both been there. There are just days, weeks, dare I say, seasons where you're just cranky, and we're going to get into that today.
Melanie Simpson: 1:13
We're going to talk about why you're cranky and then what you can do about it.
Heidi Franz: 1:18
So, let's hit the whys. I'm going to hit the easy ones. I'm tired, I'm hungry. A situation has happened that's just set me off. What else are some reasons why you can be cranky? The basic needs are important. So, I don't want to gloss over those.
Melanie Simpson: 1:34
We have to take care of these vessels that God has given us, our bodies. We've got to be good stewards, do basic mechanics checks. Are you getting good rest? Are you eating good food? Are you moving your body? Are you spending time with the Lord, connecting with people who fill you up? And I would direct you also to another podcast that we recorded about loneliness in parenting. Are you in a season of loneliness? Because that can absolutely contribute to feeling grumpy. Once you've cleared the deck of those things, then I would say let's get practical. Is this grumpiness an external situation or is it an internal situation?
Heidi Franz: 2:11
So, explain the difference between external and internal.
Melanie Simpson: 2:14
It is a fact of life that even Christians are going to encounter people with whom they just don't get along. It can even be a fellow Christian. In the body of Christ there are going to be people with whom you just don't get along. That's okay, but we can rightly feel cranky. It's like sandpaper when we interact with those people and it feels uncomfortable, and especially when it is situations where maybe we feel like we're right and they're wrong or we feel like they're not doing the right thing and it just rubs us the wrong way.
Heidi Franz: 2:47
I even have external situations where I get cranky because my internet's not working. Or I can't fill out this form that the bank is requiring me to do. The traffic is unreal and I'm tired of being in traffic. So that's what I consider external situations and circumstances that are adding to my emotional state.
Melanie Simpson: 3:10
Typically, an external situation is something that's fleeting. It's not going to last very long. In all likelihood, an external circumstance is not going to cause a prolonged season of grumpiness.
Heidi Franz: 3:31
For example, Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Melanie Simpson: 3:35
Unless it's people and situations that you have to deal with all the time. It could be co-workers if you work outside the home. It could be co-ministers if you are in ministry. It can be co-laborers in your community group, a church group or something, but it could also be family.
Heidi Franz: 3:49
And that's what we want to focus on today in this podcast.
Melanie Simpson: 3:56
As a Christ follower, how can we navigate seasons of intense family time? You often spend hours, days, weeks with people, and if you don't have a great relationship or if it just brings out that, “rrr” in you.
Heidi Franz: 4:12
Exactly, you started out by saying there's external and internal. What we're going to focus on is the family and the relationship aspect, but I think we've got to go back to the internal as well because at the end of the day, if you're talking about prolonged grumpiness, it's internal.
Melanie Simpson: 4:29
There's something that's off, and it could be one of a couple of things. First, your theology is skewed,. What I mean by that is you don't have a right view of God, and that is causing you to blame him or to be stuck in a situation where you can't fathom another way. You're without hope. And so those two things are antithetical to who God is. So, God never changes, and he always has good for you, even if it doesn't feel good. That's the first right way to think. The second thing is that our God is a hope giver that's found in the embodiment of Jesus Christ himself and his promise of eternity. And then the other thing is just by way of knowing humanity, things change. You will never be in the same day. It's not Groundhog Day around here.
Heidi Franz: 5:15
Right and the reminder that the battle is going on between God and those who are enemies against God. We're not battling each other, and we have that reminder. We'll put the scripture reference in the show notes for that verse but the battle is not here.
Melanie Simpson: 5:33
Then I would say the other piece of the internal is, what sin in me is causing me to not be able to be a Christ follower? And what I mean by that is in the New Testament Jesus says the greatest commandment is to love God and love others. As we are loved, so we are to be known by that fruit of that love, the love we feel from God, the love we feel for God, should be out poured into our relationships. Of course, by nature it's not going to look the same in every relationship, but we should still be able to be Christ followers in any relationship. When that falters, often, it is because of sin in us. It is selfishness, laziness. Sometimes it's just outright pride. My way is right and your way is wrong. The list goes on. So, what do we do then when we encounter these situations where we have family members close and far, you know the third cousins that show up for Christmas, and it is that knee-jerk reaction. We just see them, and we feel the hairs on the back of our neck rise. What do we do?
Heidi Franz: 6:43
We've got to first look at it internally and figure out what do we own in this. I tell my kids on a pretty frequent basis you have a choice. You control your emotions. You have a choice in how you're going to respond. You have a choice in if you're going to let that situation get to you or going to let it roll off your back. You have a choice whether to get angry or to release it, because the truth of the matter is anger and bitterness only hurt you.
Melanie Simpson: 7:24
And they are not the fruit of the spirit. When we think about who we are called to be, to bear that fruit of patience, love, joy, kindness; yet, anger, bitterness, and grumpiness are not included. We must navigate those relationships. This is the thing too that I think it's so skewed in Christian circles. This isn't fake. You're not putting on a mask of kindness and niceness because that's what you're supposed to do. But when you are at that humble, low state in front of the Lord, you've got nothing else but gratitude and just an overflow of love because of what He did for you then you can then turn and extend that to others.
Heidi Franz: 8:11
Exactly. Let's make a list here of these practical things, and I think what you just said is number one, of being able to see I am not better. I am not worse. I am a child who is loved by God, just like this family member that just kind of rubs me wrong is also not better, is not worse, is a sinner with the opportunity to be saved by grace just like me.
Melanie Simpson: 8:43
And I would add to that…if you have family members who are not Christ followers, then what an opportunity to not show up as the world shows up and have this "I've gotta prove my point and I've gotta be right and I've gotta be bigger, better, stronger and I don't have to take your stuff." Again, we're not talking about situations where there are unhealthy boundary issues. We're just talking about your average everyday family stuff. Just praying in advance of these interactions, “Lord, give me words that are kind, encouraging, that would, in spite of our differences, would demonstrate love.”
Heidi Franz: 9:23
And next, as a practical tool, is choose what to let roll and what is something you need to say, because you are going to have topics that you know you are not going to agree on. I had a phone call from my brother several years ago and he said, "Heidi, I'm going to a wedding. I know that the people who are going to be there are not going to either agree with me on morals, on political, spiritual, on any of the things that are core beliefs of mine. Can you help me come up with some topics of conversation that do not hit these touchy topics?" I love that that he was willing to sacrifice. So be prayerful and get your mind set that this is going to be a tough situation but I can sacrifice and come with a different posture. And so, he went in with some topics that were neutral that he could talk about.
Melanie Simpson: 10:38
Unicorns, bunnies, rainbows... I mean, what else is there? Nothing else.
Heidi Franz: 10:40
But just being able to talk about a local restaurant, to be able to talk about the weather. The weather is an awful option, but it is an option.
Melanie Simpson: 10:50
There are other things that you can talk about, and what I'm hearing you say is prepare. Prepare in advance. Think about some things and be willing to let things roll. Not everything has to be a big deal. We've seen this so many times. How often have you seen a situation where families get together and in one day, over one meal, you change somebody's mind about something?
Heidi Franz: 11:16
Not going to happen. If you are a strong personality, most likely the rest of your family is a strong personality, which makes it even less likely that you are going to change anybody's mind and so to be able to just not go there and be prepared that when somebody does go there, what's your one-liner going to be? We talk about one-liners with kids all the time the one-liner of I love you too much to argue. You wouldn't use that with an adult, but what is a line that you can say to get across that I'm just not going to go there and change the subject with your spouse? Have a secret code. Look, help, I'm drowning. Please come stand by me and help me in this situation. I love that idea.
Melanie Simpson: 12:02
That's a practical tip right there - just being prepared and brainstorming some ideas for how to navigate those sticky situations. We've talked about also spending time with the Lord, getting right with God, so to speak, in advance, which should be a daily practice anyway. How can we offer some advice for those encountering the “grumpies,” just overall? If that's become a habit, that knee-jerk response is automatically to go to grumpiness. How do we build a new pattern, or how do we establish a new pattern or get out of that pattern?
Heidi Franz: 12:36
I really like that question, because it's one that I've had to answer on my own. When I realize I'm just barking at everybody and I have to step back and go whoa, what's going on here, what is causing this? And to get to the root of it, a lot of times I find that it really doesn't have anything to do with the people I'm barking at. If I truly get down to the issue, it's over a text that I got that I maybe even misread, or it's over an email situation or a phone situation or something I saw on the news that bothered me, or something that I saw on social media that raised a sense of doubt or insecurity in me that's wrongly directed. I found this to be true when my husband and I have had a disagreement and then I realize I'm just being crabby with everybody that day.
Melanie Simpson: 13:38
Kids, co-workers, friends they're all getting a little dose of it, right? So just maybe naming the real thing, the real cause of your grumpiness and being willing to have self-control, which is a fruit of the spirit.
Heidi Franz: 13:54
To truly look at what is causing this, and when we can name what is causing it, then we can step back and go, my family has nothing to do with this.
Melanie Simpson: 14:05
If you are in a season of weariness, where there's a lot of hard right now, it's OK to tell the God. Tell him you're angry, grumpy, or cranky, whatever the thing is. Pour that out to the Lord in prayer. He is faithful to meet you there. He wants to be your companion in that. He wants to walk with you through that dark valley. But it is far better, I think, for everyone in your life if you can tell God first. Ask him to help you sift through those feelings. There might be somebody you need to talk to. Maybe there is a friend that has hurt you and you really do need to go chat with that person. I don't know about you, but I have come away from a time of prayer, maybe a day or a season of prayer. The Lord has revealed to me this is really the cause. It's not all these other things, but I needed the Lord to clarify for me. I couldn't see it because I was so cranky, so tired and so weary.
Heidi Franz: 15:03
So, one of the things that I have found that has been specifically helpful to me in tiredness, weariness, and crankiness and just a lack of gratitude, is to focus on what I have been given and the blessings that are around me. I've had my teenagers more than once come and talk to me and they are just grumpy and mad at the world and I've sent them to their rooms and said I want you to come back with a list of 10 blessings, 10 things you're thankful for. Bring that list back to me and then let's talk, because until that grumpiness and that attitude is gone, nothing is going to be successful in our conversation.
Melanie Simpson: 15:50
1 Thessalonians 5:18 tells us to, "Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." The context is still the same. In the midst of situations that aren't peachy-keen, jellybean, we can still be grateful and give thanks, because our identity and our spirit of gratitude comes from the Lord and our gratefulness for what He has done for us. It has nothing to do with what's going on around us now. Once we do that, though, that often opens our eyes to be able to see those other things that He has given us. I was thinking back when you were talking about seeing something on the news that maybe sets you off. I don't know how many times I will choose to listen to praise and worship music, or choose to read things that are encouraging and edifying and I notice that when I will make choices to intake things that are helpful and hopeful and turn away from, turn off things that are not helpful it is helpful in getting me out of that funk.
Heidi Franz: 17:02
A couple of years ago I made the decision that I would not watch the news in the morning anymore. I just could not do it. And if you know me, you know that I am a huge news junkie. I read the newspaper every single day and watch the news every single morning. I love all things current events. To do that was a little hard and I still want to go back to it, especially the newspaper. But I had to focus on Philippians 4:8 - think about whatever is true, noble, right, lovely.
Heidi Franz: 17:40
I still do, to a point, keep up with current events because I think that is important as a Christian, but I don't dive into it and I don't let it start my day there's something that we said for being picky, being choosy about what you're willing to let in.
Melanie Simpson: 17:57
We know that God has made us in such a way, with eyes and ears and all the senses, and it is easy to become overwhelmed with the negative. So that's just a good, practical step to think about the things that you are allowing in and maybe get rid of some of those things or make some switches, make some changes.
Heidi Franz: 18:16
I have a friend who deleted all social media apps on her phone. She didn't get rid of social media; she still really enjoys some of the aspects of it, but she didn't want it to consume her, and she doesn't sit down at her desktop very much and so she just has it there to look at every once in a while. Social media can add to the grumpiness. I would also add be careful of the HGTV shows. We talked about this in earlier episodes, of just how they can create beautiful things, but how fast it can turn into a heart of ingratitude. I think another reason why we can get grumpy around the holidays is fear of our children not matching up. It's this idea that our children have to be perfect. My kids can't mess up at Thanksgiving dinner or they can't be ungrateful when they're opening gifts, and we put these pressures on our family because we are trying to create a perfect image.
Melanie Simpson: 19:27
It comes back again to expectations and to comparison. I remember a Christmas card I got five or six years ago from a sweet family. And the entire Christmas card was a whole collage of pictures but it was all the outtakes. It was every time that one kid was pulling another kid's hair, or the dad was trying to get somebody to smile. It was all of the things that didn't go right. It was such a good reminder, Heidi, that's really the bulk of our Christian walk are things that don't go right. And that is where God wants us, because when things don't go “right,” we need Him.
Heidi Franz: 20:09
We are desperate for Him, and that is how we have the opportunity to show Him to other people. That's one more thing that I would encourage us all including myself to think about. Are we putting pressure on ourselves, are we putting pressure on our kids, on our husbands, to look a certain way in front of family, and thus it's causing us to be short tempered? It's causing us to be harsh with our kids, when we really just need to let them be kids. Let our husband be himself and not who we think our family is perceiving him.
Melanie Simpson: 20:57
The fruit of that is hypocrisy and our kids will see it. Our family members will see that we're putting on a show. We're striving in our flesh to make things work out a certain way and we are not resting in the gospel.
As we land the plane for this episode. I would just also remind myself and y'all that being grumpy is nothing new. When we think about the Israelites, God chosen people, He rescued them from severe oppression in Egypt. He gave them the desires of their heart, which was to be a people on their own with their own land. But at every step, at every point, they were dissatisfied with what God gave them. It wasn't enough, it wasn't the right thing, it wasn't the right place, it wasn't the right food. Whatever it was that God provided, they were satisfied for a little bit and then they're like no, that's not good enough. I just feel like coming full circle. How often is our grumpy attitude a result of a wrong view of God, a distorted view of ourselves? In other words, we elevate ourselves to a position of “god” and, by the way, we are horrible gods. And then, what are the things we need to own. Things we need to take ownership of so that we can steward God's love and be in relationship with people in a way that points them back to God and draw people to Christ?
Heidi Franz: 22:23
I hope in all of this, that you realize you're not alone. It's so easy to get bogged down by the yuck and the hard times of parenthood, but I hope that you will take time this holiday season to look at all the blessings God has given you and that your grumpiness can be turned into gratitude.
Announcer: 22:43
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