10 Tips to Guide Children Through Grief

Grief is hard, especially when you’re trying to help a child process loss. In this episode, Melanie and I share 10 practical ways to walk alongside kids as they navigate sadness, whether from the death of a loved one, the loss of a pet, or even disappointment over unmet expectations. From preparing them for what to expect at a funeral to offering comfort in ways they understand, this episode will equip you with tools to provide the support and reassurance children need. Discover helpful ideas, encouragement, and real-life experiences. 

Helpful Links from this Episode:

• ABCJesusLovesMe Facebook Group
• When Technology is Out of Control in Your Home
• 5 Tips to Keep Your Child Quiet During Church
• Raising Emotionally Resilient Children
• Potty Training Tips
• How to Teach Kids about Emotions
• Teaching Kids about Pragmatics
• Books to Guide Children Through Grief

Episode Sponsor:  ABCJesusLovesMe.com, an educational ministry that equips adults with the materials needed to be intentional in educating children.

Get connected with Parenting to Impress:
Facebook Group:  /groups/ABCJLM
Facebook:  /heidi.franz.2911
Instagram:  /abcjesuslovesme/
Subscribe to Blog & Newsletters:  forms.feedblitz.com/5r0

Thanks for listening!

Transcript

Copy

This transcript has been lightly edited for clarity.

Heidi Franz, Host 00:01

Today, on this episode, we are going to discuss one of the most frequently asked questions in the ABCJesusLovesMe Facebook group:  How do you help children through grief, whether that is the loss of a relative or a pet, or just the grief of an expectation that was not met. So today I invite you, as Melanie and I share 10 tips that we've learned along our journey.

Welcome back to Parenting to Impress your go-to podcast, to learn practical ways to love God and love others, and impress this on the hearts of your children. I am your host, Heidi Franz, and I am joined by my dear friend, Melanie Simpson, two moms who have made a lot of mistakes but have found grace and truth along the way.

Melanie, you and I have experienced grief in our life with the passing of my sister, the passing of your mom, as well as just other situations that did not turn out how we thought they were going to turn out. Tell me about your situation.

Melanie Simpson, Co-host 01:12

I would say, the first experience was when my mom died 16 years ago. At the time, our oldest was six, our next was four, and then we had our baby. He's now the second boy. He was literally an infant. He was there with me when my mom passed. We had the privilege of being with her in the hospital room, and so they were quite young. Since that time, though, we have grieved the loss of a grandmother, some great grandparents, lots of pets along the way, and most recently, we are walking through a really hard season of grieving a fractured relationship that is very personal and very difficult for me and the kids.

Heidi Franz, Host 01:56

Absolutely. So, what we're going to share today are these 10 tips, and then we're going to add in our personal stories with each of those tips to kind of give you a little bit more ideas, understanding for you to be able to take back into your own home.

So, Melanie, let's dive in. #1:  Tell the child what to expect, especially at the funeral. What have you found was really helpful for you?

Melanie Simpson, Co-host 02:22

We've had a couple different circumstances. We had one that was a cremation, one that was a casket. At each time we just said to the kids, “So, when we get to the church or the building, there's going to be a lot of people there and they know who you are, but you probably don't know them. So just be ready.  You're going to have a lot of people that want to talk to you or hug you maybe or pat you on the head or whatever. But just know that they are sad for you, and they want you to know that.”  For example, when there was a casket, just say, “It's called a casket, it's going to be up at the front of the church.”

You really have to be mindful because in some circumstances it's an open casket and you don't want the child to be caught by surprise that there is their deceased loved one. I mean, it's very confusing, and so the way my mom always explained it to me was that the person in the casket looks like your grandmother, but we know that that's not who we remember. So we're not saying that's not who she is or she was, or we're not saying she's in heaven or anything like that. We just say but that's not the grandmother we know, and that was just a way to help us understand that, while my eyes see this person that looks like my grandmother, there's nothing to be afraid of. If I don't want to look at it, I don't have to, so how about you, Heidi?

Heidi Franz, Host 03:41

I think those are all really good tips. I would also discuss with my kids the funeral process.  There's going to be a person who talks, there may be some songs…and kind of go through what the program is going to look like. There's going to be a meal, there may be people who are crying and why they are crying.

As much as possible, if you can prepare that child for what they're going to see, what they're going to experience. I would encourage you to think about what can you take, depending upon the child's age, with you to that funeral or to that visitation to give that child a purpose, to keep them busy during this time.  You know I am very anti-electronics, but it might be that they have some video game time because there's a lot they're not going to understand and we need to be understanding about that.

Obviously, if you have trained them to sit through a church service, that's going to be a huge help for sitting through a funeral. It might also be the best thing that you can do for yourself, as well as the rest of your family and that child, is to have that child be with a sitter during the funeral time so that you can really focus on family.  In review, think through what that child will see and what they are going to experience.

Melanie Simpson, Co-host 05:12

Think through the cultural expectations of that particular service. Globally we have so many different ways that we honor our dead, so you just really need to be thoughtful and intentional to prepare as much as you can. It's not going to be perfect, but just do your best and I think that really helps to mitigate the confusion and stress that can come. For a kid, a funeral is a lot.

Heidi Franz, Host 05:38

It is. It's a lot for an adult to take in, considering the age of the person who passed away or the relationship. Very good. #2:  Model healthy emotions in grief. This reminds me of what we talked about in the last podcast about raising emotionally resilient children. Our children will piggyback on what we are doing.

Melanie Simpson, Co-host 06:07

I think it is hard.  I mean, grief is hard for adults. While I don't want anyone to hear me say don't grieve, hide all those things…I do think that, as responsible parents, we might need to buffer that with our kids. Yes, they need to see us sad. They need to see us grieving. But I think in my experience, we do a disservice to our kids when we go into full-out meltdown mode because what that signals to the child is, “Oh, this is out of control, and this scares me.” Now go get in the shower and cry your eyes out. I have done that. Go get in your car and go for a drive. Let that emotion out. Absolutely being angry, that's okay too. When we don't understand why something's happening or something has happened, it's natural to say, “Gosh, I just feel really angry about this.” But just to be sensitive, to not go into full meltdown mode.  We can't place upon children what they don't understand.

Heidi Franz, Host 07:13

Getting extremely emotional puts the child into a situation where they don't feel safe because they are concerned about you. And some of those kiddos also go into the mode of trying to fix things for you. And we want them to realize that moving through grief is a good process, it's a healthy process. But when we get stuck in one area of grief, that's when it becomes dangerous. Model to our kiddos what it looks like to be sad, to cry, but not that far extreme emotions. Keep that behind the door and not allow our kids to build up fear because of what we are experiencing.

#3:  Provide age-appropriate truth. Melanie, there's a lot of disagreement on what you should tell a child.  Whether we're talking about a funeral or as you were talking about a relationship broken, what do we tell a kid?

Melanie Simpson, Co-host 08:30

And you're right, it absolutely depends on the age and development of a child. I think that's the first thing to think through. What really can my three-year-old understand about grandma's dying? Or what can my 10-year-old really understand about this fractured relationship?

Heidi Franz, Host 08:42

It is perfectly fine to say to a child, “I don't know how to answer that question, but I would love to pray about that with you or to talk to a pastor with you to get some of your questions answered.”

I also think it's important to base what you say to that child upon their questions. If they're not asking questions about it, you maybe don't need to talk about it yet, but if they are asking questions, that's what's going through their minds. I think a lot of times we give kiddos way more information than they are ready for, because that's what we are thinking about, but they are looking at everything through the eyes of a child, which is completely different.

Melanie Simpson, Co-host 09:35

Yeah, and that's where you ask them, “Do you have any questions?” and “What questions do you have?” And just letting them know that it's an open conversation. It's not like they only have this one chance to ask a question. “I'm here. When something pops up in your mind, please come to ask me. I'd be happy to talk with you about it.”

Heidi Franz, Host 09:52

Very good. #4:  Don't try to get the child to understand heaven.

Why do kids not understand heaven?

Melanie Simpson, Co-host 10:00

It's so abstract. When I think about heaven it's an idea that I kind of get intellectually, but it's beyond my comprehension really. And we're asking children who value permanence:  my bed is here, my house is here, these are my shoes. We're asking them to suspend their reality. And they can't, Heidi. I mean developmentally young children just can't.

Heidi Franz, Host 10:23

The idea of a loved one being in heaven is so much peace for us. It's not going to be for that child.

Melanie Simpson, Co-host 10:33

We all know those precious precocious little kiddos. The, “Why, why, why?”  Just being really thoughtful and intentional about which questions you can and want to answer, and which questions you can just defer to. You can either say, “I really don't know” and walk away, or “That's a really good question.  Maybe we can talk about it later.”  And I'm not trying to pass it off, but a lot of times they’ll forget anyway.

Heidi Franz, Host 10:54

That's right. That response can be an “out” for you to just to say, “Let's talk about that later,” and then see if they really bring it up again on these topics that you emotionally are not ready to discuss or you don't know how to answer them.  That gives you time to figure out an option.

Melanie Simpson, Co-host 11:21

That's especially valid on things like cremation. How on earth are you going to explain to a four-year-old that we cremated grandma?

I would also add in this be really, really careful about the conversations you have with other adults in front of your child. You're going to have phone calls. You're going to have to make arrangements. Put Timmy in front of a TV show, if that's what you need to do, or books, or whatever, and step into another room and have the conversation.

Heidi Franz, Host 11:47

And the fact that Melanie and I are supporting electronics and TV right now is a true testament of:  It's okay sometimes to use electronics.  I remember my mom telling me that it's not going to hurt my kids to watch Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood. And these are those times so you can focus on what is important at that moment.

Melanie Simpson, Co-host 12:12

We found it very helpful to have very short Scriptures for the kids to memorize. We would say, “God really cares about your sadness.” Or in the Bible it tells us that Jesus is close to the people who are really suffering and are really sad. Did you know that the Bible tells us that God holds our tears in a bottle? How cool is that he cares so much about us. This is a wonderful opportunity to bring your kids close to the One who cares the most about them.

Heidi Franz, Host 12:44

Yes, oh, I love that idea. #5:  Understand that emotions are going to ping pong.

Melanie, I think both you and I can say a huge amen to this. I remember when my sister died, I was angry, and then, 10 minutes later, I was distraught.

Melanie Simpson, Co-host 13:09

Yes, grief is never a linear path. Imagine like an EKG with it's ups and downs.  You never know how long the ups are going to last, and then you never know how long the downs are going to last.  Just being prepared for yourself, even to be aware that it is completely normal to yo-yo.  In fact I would say it's healthy to experience grief that way. 

Then, anticipate that you might see some unusual behavior out of your kids. You might have a very well-behaved child that all of a sudden starts acting out.  Don't panic, redirect or calm them down.  Just know that it's most likely just a temporary response to the intense emotion that they don't know how to express.

Heidi Franz, Host 13:52

Yes, and especially if this is their first time.  If they have never experienced a funeral or other situations where grief is large, they don't know what to do with what's inside, and so that can come out in many different ways. It can come out in anger.  It can come out in a child regressing. Let's say they're potty trained and suddenly they're having accidents again. This is very normal, but that it should be pretty short-lived if you are healthfully demonstrating grief in front of them.

#6:  Have open communication, but don't assume how the child is feeling. We kind of addressed this one a few moments ago where we talked about as adults we see things so differently. Everything we're looking at is through adult lenses, where they're looking at it through their experience and their exposure.

Melanie Simpson, Co-host 14:56

Obviously, as a small child, is very limited.  Going back to that point of having a difficult time understanding abstract ideas like death and heaven.  It's like reading the same book a child a hundred times. Just know that you're probably going to repeat a hundred times the same things. “I'm right here. If you want to talk, come sit on my lap. Is there anything you want to talk about?”

Heidi Franz, Host 15:14

Absolutely.  One of the things that I learned through mistake when my husband's dad passed away is I was continually trying to prepare my teenagers for what was going to happen - which was a great thing. I wanted to be proactive!  But what happened? Especially when you're dealing with hospice, you don't know.  The doctors don't know.  I kept telling my kids, “It's probably going to be today,” and then it wasn't. “Well, it's probably going to be today” and then it wasn't. And this was incredibly difficult, especially Little Man with his Autism, where he's so black and white. So, if I had to do over again, I would have prepared them, but I wouldn't have been so emphatic about today or tonight or tomorrow. I would have been much more general in my answers, especially after my kids had had their goodbyes.

Number seven goes right along with this one.  #7:  Help the child put their feelings into words and allow a creative outlet for those feelings.

So this is where we talk about emotions, and in the show notes I'm going to put a link to how to teach kids about emotions and I encourage you to check that out. But a child may be feeling things that they don't know what they're feeling. Is it sadness? Is it fear? Is it anger? What are they feeling inside? Help them by naming those emotions.  Saying things like, “I can see that you are angry right now. Why do you feel anger right now?”

Melanie Simpson, Co-host 17:19

That's why it's so important to, on the front end, teach them about emotions and teach them the pragmatics of somebody who's got a sad face and tears.  You're better off preparing your child to be able to express and talk about emotions before a major event like this happens.

Heidi Franz, Host 17:41

That is why we're always talking about laying the steppingstones of education in front of our kids, so that then, when the situations happen, those stepping stones are right there and they can walk across them.

Let's talk about some creative outlets that kids can do. One of the things I can think about is having the kids draw a picture of what they're feeling. Or, if you have a kid who really likes play dough, “Mold something to show me how you're feeling.” Give them a way to express it without words. What other ideas do you have?

Melanie Simpson, Co-host 18:19

For us it was being outside taking walks, playing basketball, drawing with chalk on the sidewalk, those sorts of things, because it was a physical activity, and they were still thinking about their feelings. I could be alongside them, and the conversation just seems to happen differently. It's not forced. It doesn't have to be, “We're only going to talk about how sad we are on the couch at 3:00.”

Heidi Franz, Host 18:44

Which goes right into the next one. #8:  Stick to routines as much as possible. Stick to the norm. So, like you said, shooting baskets, jumping on the trampoline, swinging on the swing, taking nature walks, reading books.  But there are things out of the norm.

Melanie Simpson, Co-host 19:05

You may have travel. But here's the thing, even in travel you can maintain pretty standard meal times for the child Maybe not for you, but for your child. Maintain the habits that you have at bedtime:  reading a book and praying together. Stick to those as much as possible. And I want to say this there is nothing wrong with the child being excited about a first plane trip, even in the midst of grief.

We don't have to put a black cloud over every part of our lives because our children don't live that way. They are still going to laugh and giggle and have fun and we don't want to squash that because we feel overwhelmingly sad.

Heidi Franz, Host 19:45

Very, very wise and when we stick to those routines, that helps the child not feel like their entire world's been turned upside down. There's still something that they have learned to expect, and those expectations are continuing.

And again, we understand that it's not going to be exactly the same. It can't be exactly the same, but as much as possible I just encourage you to keep that child's routine, boundaries, purpose, etc. intact for them.

Melanie Simpson, Co-host 20:22

And, Heidi, you also talk about making sure that our kids continue to have purpose. That can be a chore or a job, or even something as small as helping dinner or whatever it is.  But just making sure that they know that who they are hasn't been altered by this.

Heidi Franz, Host 20:44

Right.  Also, for the child to feel that they are still wanted, that you're not going anywhere, you're not angry with them.  Pull them alongside you. This can go a long way.

#9: Read books. There is a slew of books available like

• The Goodbye Book
• The Invisible String
• The Fall of Freddie the Leaf
• God Gave Us Heaven
• I'll Always Love You

I will put the list of these, as well as links, in the show notes.  I encourage you to check out these books. If you know that somebody is going to be passing away in your family in the near future, grab these books, read them over so that you can gather the vocabulary that is going to be age appropriate for these kiddos. If you have a family member in Hospice, talk to the Hospice Chaplain and see what suggestions they have for you to use. Books are a great avenue to provide vocabulary when you don't know what to say.

Melanie Simpson, Co-host 22:03

That really lends itself to the final point, which is, #10:  Do not hesitate to reach out for professional help. We have benefited greatly from wise counselors who are educated and trained specifically with childhood grief. There are great places that have therapy dogs, and they do play therapy.

Heidi Franz, Host 22:23

So, Melanie, when would you say is the time you need to go see a counselor?

Melanie Simpson, Co-host 22:29

When a child becomes fixated on a specific aspect of the grieving cycle or the loss of a pet or a friend, whatever it is.  Or if you see the regression is sustained and they're not coming out of it. Or, if you notice that your child's become really withdrawn or sullen.

Heidi Franz, Host 22:48

It’s when you see a marked change in a child's personality and it is more than just a handful of days. I think it's important, and I would say that no matter what age the child is, whether you're talking preschool, elementary or teen, anytime you see a child have a big personality change, that's when it might be a good idea to seek some counsel and just make sure there's not something more going on with them.   

Melanie Simpson, Co-host 23:20

In this stage of life, we've got two adult children. There are still two teens at home.  The circumstances that we're working through right now, I actually preemptively got them into counseling.  What I mean by that is, I didn't wait for behavior changes because this is something that's brand new. We've never walked through this before and I knew that we were going to need help figuring out our emotions and how to grieve.

Heidi Franz, Host 23:44

And praise God that there are godly counselors out there for young children - through play therapy, for teens, for adults, to help us walk through grieving.  Melanie, this is a tough subject. It is a hard one. I'm very prayerful that this has been encouraging to our listeners, that the products and the books that we have linked to in the show notes will be helpful to them.

Let's close in prayer and, Mel, would you just pray for those listening that God would just use this to encourage them and empower them during this time.

Melanie Simpson, Co-host 24:25

Heavenly Father we are so grateful that in Your word, You are so clear about how You feel towards those who are grieving. You are our Shepherd.  You are with us in these dark places and You love us so intimately and so kindly when we are suffering. And so, Father, I just pray that for the folks who are listening right now, who are in the thick of grieving, that they would feel Your presence, they would know that You are with them in this season. And, Father, I pray too for the parents and caregivers, the teachers. God, would You just go before them?  Would You, by Your Spirit, empower them to remember the tools that they might use to help their children? Remind them that, above all else, You are loving and kind and good.  You are always working all things out for our good and Your glory. Amen.

Heidi Franz, Host

Amen. Thank you, Melanie.

Announcer

We want to thank you for listening to the Parenting to Impress podcast. Be sure to visit ABCJesusLovesMe.com and check out the show notes for more information on topics shared in this episode, please subscribe and share with your friends.

Read the corresponding blog post: 10 Tips to Guide Children Through Grief