Heidi Franz Host 00:00
When I think back on those early years of parenting, the word that comes to my mind is exhaustion. Melanie, can you relate to that?
Melanie Simpson Co-Host 00:08
Unfortunately, yes. There were some nights that went beautifully, so smoothly, and you got in bed at the end of the night with joy. And then it seemed like there were three nights in a row right after that that were complete disasters.
Heidi Franz Host 00:23
And it took a toll on everybody in the family. I mean, when I did not sleep well, everybody felt the consequences of it the next day. But in parenting alongside you for the last 20 years, we have both figured out some little tips, some little hints that made it a lot better.
In this two-part podcast, we're going to cover how to create a healthy bedtime routine, what to do with those early risers, and how to train kiddos to stay in their bed. Let's dive in.
Welcome back to Parenting to Impress, your go-to podcast, to learn practical ways to love God and love others and impress this on the hearts of your children. I am your host, Heidi Franz, and I am joined by my dear friend, Melanie Simpson. Two moms who have made a lot of mistakes but have found grace and truth along the way. Melanie, why is sleep so important?
Melanie Simpson Co-Host 01:26
The first thing is just happier, healthier kids. They are better able to follow the routine that we had in our house. There were fewer behavioral problems and in general it just made for a happier, calmer household.
Heidi Franz Host 01:42
Yeah, you said healthier kids. I truly believe we had less sickness in our house because bedtime was so important and getting a full night's sleep was something we very much focused on when our kids were young. Did you find that same to be true?
Melanie Simpson Co-Host 02:04
Yeah. All the research that we're hearing in the past couple of years about having good sleep hygiene – that’s what it's called - is invaluable to protecting our physical health, let alone our mental health. Think about that in terms of a child who is still developing.
Heidi Franz Host 02:20
We're looking at 10 to 12 hours of sleep for these little ones, and that even flows into the elementary age. These kiddos need quality sleep.
As adults, it's so important for our kiddos to have a good bedtime routine. So, we're not fighting that, “I want another drink. I want another hug” because had I done that, my husband and I would have had no time for each other. And if we don't invest now, when our kids are gone, we're not going to have a marriage.
Melanie Simpson Co-Host 02:55
Right, it impacts both ends. It impacts your nighttime and then your morning time. You and I both, our routines are to get up before our kids to have a quiet time with the Lord by ourselves. You can't do that for very long if you're not getting good sleep yourself.
Heidi Franz Host 03:15
Absolutely. That morning time with the Lord and not having those constant interruptions was absolutely vital to me. We talk a lot about that in the podcast, How to Have a Quiet Time. We'll link that in the show notes. What were some of the things that were in your routine when your kids were little?
Melanie Simpson Co-Host 03:34
We started earlier than you would think that we needed to because inevitably a bath took longer. We had four kids under seven. There was an infant to a seven-year-old and that's a lot of jammas and teeth to be brushed and stories to be read. We had a routine or rhythm that we did, and I think that's key. Kids want to know what to expect. It doesn't have to be inflexible, but they know that there is wind down time coming prior to bed.
Heidi Franz Host 04:06
Absolutely so. These are the things that we included in our bedtime routine. First of all, getting ready. That could be a bath, putting on pajamas, brushing the teeth, and then those final needs like water, snack, potty or diaper change. And then the third one was just what I'm going to call “wind down” time. That's reading a book, reading the Bible, having prayer time, maybe that's family devotions for you. And then those final little good night talks. The time when you're sitting with that kiddo in their bed, beside their bed, talking about their day. And this routine can be something that takes 20 minutes. This routine could take an hour, depending upon how many kiddos you have. So, you have to think about how much time do we need, add some buffer and then start that in your evenings.
Melanie Simpson Co-Host 05:03
I think, when you consider your child's personality, just go in knowing this child is going to want me to sit with them and read a book in their bed, this one is going to want me to sit out on the couch. Obviously, you have control, but I don't think bedtime, as much as it can be helped, should be stressful time, because that does none of us any good.
Heidi Franz Host 05:30
Exactly correct. When the stress level goes up, the more it crumbles. That bedtime routine should be a smooth transition. I'm going to say, as a quote, “seasoned mom,” enjoy that time. Oh, to go back and have that time with my kiddos, I would have relished it a lot more.
The next thing that I want to say about having a routine is to make sure you keep it consistent. If you typically put pajamas on and then have a snack, put pajamas on and then have a snack. If you read a Bible story together as a family and then you go and pray with your youngest and then your middle child and then your oldest, keep that routine as consistent as possible, because it's those little things that can really throw off kiddos.
Melanie Simpson Co-Host 06:29
Things like brushing teeth. Practice that during the day. Don't start at bedtime. Introduce it not when you need it. Introduce it when you don't need it.
Heidi Franz Host 06:40
By the time it's bedtime, you're tired, the child's tired and you want to have all that routine down and you don't want to have to be trained during that time. Train in the morning, where there isn't stress of doing something quickly afterward.
To begin the bedtime routine, the one thing that I'm going to suggest is make sure you sit down with your spouse and discuss it. I am notorious for creating a plan in my head and never letting other people in my life know about it. Melanie can attest to this. I've planned all the details, I've gone through all the possible scenarios, but in order for my husband to be able to assist me, he needs to know. And he also may have a better idea. So, I need to allow him to have feedback on that and for us to discuss that. Also, we need to decide what the expectations are. Mel, I know you and I had different expectations for bedtime.
Melanie Simpson Co-Host 07:47
And that's okay. Even though we have the same goal, how we go about meeting that goal can look different. But, reiterating your point, you and your spouse have to be on the same page, right? We co-slept for a while and if my husband had not been okay with that, it would have been a disaster. Make sure you and whomever you're raising your child with grandparents, aunties, just have a discussion.
Heidi Franz Host 08:09
What are the restroom rules going to be? Can the child get up whenever they want to use the restroom, get back in bed, or are they supposed to call for you first? Can the child sleep on your floor? Can they co-sleep? What's a negotiable item and what is non-negotiable for your husband and for yourself? My husband was very adamant that the kiddos were not in our room. Looking back, I'm very thankful for that. That worked for our family very well and I didn't realize at the time how much sleep was going to be necessary for me. As a couple come to agreement on what you're going to do. Otherwise, what happens is you will tell the child yes and your spouse may tell the child no, which this confusion will only exasperate bedtime issues.
Melanie Simpson Co-Host 09:02
Once you have established the expectations with your spouse or family members, the next step would be introducing that routine. Heidi, we don't recommend just barreling straight into it.
Heidi Franz Host 09:15
I suggest, with any new routine or procedure that you're going to do with a child, that you introduce it to them not at the time needed. And you introduce it to them in a play-based manner.
Let me give you an example. You and your spouse have decided that you are going to have a bedtime routine that involves brushing teeth, getting a drink of water, reading a Bible story, praying and going to bed. I would encourage you to create a visual schedule for that, and a visual schedule is just pictures of that order. I have created a free visual schedule for you to download to use in your family. So be sure to look in the show notes for that link.
With that visual schedule, sit down with the child in the morning when they're not tired, they're not hungry, and you have time to practice this. When you have a picture of brushing teeth, literally go into the bathroom, pretend to brush teeth, remove the picture of brushing teeth from that visual schedule and do the next one. Pretend to read. You're going to go through it very quickly, just pretending, so that the child has that routine down. Then at bedtime you can go through the actual process.
Melanie Simpson Co-Host 10:35
It's fun, it's almost like a game and kids will totally get on board. If you have the right attitude about it and you're using it as a motivational tool, and I would even say for parents who are both working outside of the home you can still do this. Maybe you'll choose to do it on a weekend, on a Saturday and Sunday, when you're not having to be in that daily routine. Then introduce the routine on Monday. Heidi, what do we do with kiddos that are negotiators?
Heidi Franz Host 11:07
I know a few of those – budding lawyers. The biggest thing about having a successful bedtime routine is that you don't give in to that talking, that negotiating, the one more book, the one more drink. When that final hug has been given, then the conversation has stopped, the reminders have stopped. I would encourage eye contact to stop, because those little eyes can get a lot of things out of you with the cuteness. So make sure that you have decided what you’re going to allow or not going to allow, so that then the child doesn't find it as a game to see what can I get out of mom or what can I get out of dad.
Melanie Simpson Co-Host 12:01
Right, how can I get my way? That's really what it is.
If the child is walking, I would take them by the hand, don't pick them up and return them back to the bed. And if you do have a non-mobile child to carry, like Heidi said, don't make eye contact. And I'm going to tell you this about did me in! For our family, we ended up doing things a little bit differently, but we were consistent with the difference.
Heidi Franz Host 12:27
I think that's a really good point. Melanie, when your kiddos were little your home was very different to ours, and so you had to do things differently just because of the size of the house that you lived in, for one example.
Melanie Simpson Co-Host 12:44
Well, and with my husband's work schedule, he was working evening or overnight. I was exhausted because I was kind of wearing all the hats, but also because the next day we needed to be quieter so that my husband could sleep. And so that's why Heidi and I are saying this is not a prescription for how you must do your bedtime routine. These are just suggestions; tools you can use no matter what routine you're building.
Heidi Franz Host 13:12
I love that. Another point to add to introducing the routine: make sure before you start your bedtime routine that you calm everyone down. And I know this is hard for daddies, especially if they've been at work all day. They want to play with the kids, and they play differently than mommy sometimes. But to help those kids calm down before we start that bedtime routine can really help.
Melanie Simpson Co-Host 13:41
That nicely takes us into the next segment, which is what are the tips and tricks that you might not think about to help families create calm, quiet, dark environments.
Heidi Franz Host 13:57
I realized way too late the importance of blackout curtains. I should have had those years before we got them. They made a huge difference because kiddos are only able to use the light or darkness outside as their alarm. When I wake up in the middle of the night, I look at my alarm clock and I know I have three more hours to sleep. I have one more hour to sleep. Or, oh, it's time to get up. They can only use the light or darkness outside until they can read a clock. So those blackout curtains can help substantially, especially during the summer months when it gets dark so much later.
Melanie Simpson Co-Host 14:44
I mean putting a kid to bed at seven o'clock in mid-July. It's like putting them to bed on the surface of the sun. And they're like, “Why am I asleep?”
Heidi Franz Host 14:54
Right, I remember as a child going to bed when it was still light out! But it is what is necessary to get those 10 to 12 hours of sleep. It is so important for those kids.
This next point that I'm going to make is kind of controversial, but it's interesting that there's more and more studies coming out saying that white noise actually hinders sleep. I would encourage you not to use white noise or sound machines. One thing that I did with my kiddos is I had some instrumental music. I played a few songs for the kids as they were going to sleep and then it would turn off. But the white noise and the constant sound machine - they're finding it actually inhibits language development.
Melanie Simpson Co-Host 15:49
I didn't know that. So, what about naps? How does that impact nighttime sleep?
Heidi Franz Host 15:56
I had it in my mind, if my child slept too much during the day, then they wouldn't sleep at night. And that is true with an infant you have to limit how much they sleep during the day, or they won't sleep at night. But what I found as my kiddos got older is that the less they slept during the day, the less they slept at night. The reason for that was, is that they were overtired at night, which caused them not to sleep soundly. That sounds so opposite, doesn’t it?
Melanie Simpson Co-Host 16:32
But for me, when I am overtired, I get punchy, I get kind of “slap happy” and it's harder to fall asleep.
Heidi Franz Host 16:40
Staying asleep is harder when you are overtired. So, monitor how much daytime sleep that child is getting. If they are not getting a good nap, how can you adjust that? What needs to change during your daytime?
Melanie Simpson Co-Host 16:58
And all that is to say with the curtains and the white noise - this is not something that's supposed to send you out to buy all the things and to be in a panic about the perfect room. These are just ideas, and some kids don't need them and some kids do.
Heidi Franz Host 17:11
Speaking about the perfect room, I had the idea that all my kids needed their rooms, with their bed, with their beautiful bedspread, with their curtains, with their nightstand, with all this picture perfect furniture. Mel, you know that things really started changing for bedtime in our home when we moved Little Man's mattress to our playroom. And, yes, people walked into our house and saw a mattress in the playroom. I would just say we're doing what our son needs, we're doing what our family needs. So I had to let go of that perfectionism of what I thought it was supposed to look like.
Melanie Simpson Co-Host 17:59
I mean, let's be honest, how much parenting is that right there? Letting go of his expectations?
I do think, and you touched on this a little bit, bedtime can be such a sweet time. How often do we get to really slow down, snuggle, love on those kiddos when they're little? We say all these things so that y’all can also enjoy that time.
Heidi Franz Host 18:24
So that it's not a fight every single night to get the child to sleep.
Melanie Simpson Co-Host 18:29
That's where the consistency comes back in. If you're not consistent, then you are going to be battling in some way every night and you won't be able to enjoy it. As with all things, kids, consistency is key.
Heidi Franz Host 18:42
I don't know, Melanie, if this is true or not, I'll let you weigh in, but I just had this thought. I wonder how much of our talking with our teens at night now is because of the routines that we set up when they were kids.
Melanie Simpson Co-Host 19:00
Yeah, it's a good thought that they have memories of that time that they spent with us at bedtime.
Heidi Franz Host 19:07
Melanie, this has been a really good conversation that I hope to help a lot of parents. I want to remind you that there is a free bedtime routine, printable four-step version as well as an eight-step version for older kiddos. You can compile that however you need for your family. I invite you to check that out in the show notes.
But we have a lot more to talk about. But we're going to stop for this week, and I hope everybody will come back as we talk about what to do with early risers and then training kiddos to stay in their bed. So, join us in two weeks on the Parenting to Impress podcast.
Announcer 19:50
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