Do I Deserve Happiness? A Biblical Look for Moms

Many moms wonder, “Do I deserve to be happy?” Or, "Is it wrong to want my children to be happy?" In this Parenting to Impress podcast episode, we unpack what Scripture says about happiness, contentment, and joy, and why seeking holiness brings deeper fulfillment than chasing fleeting pleasures. 

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Heidi Franz, Host: 00:00

I've heard it said from many parents, “I just want my kids to be happy.” I've heard moms say, “I deserve happiness.” Is this truth from the scripture? Is this what God desires for us? Or is this another lie that the culture's telling us? 

Today, in our Parenting to Impress podcast, we're going to dive into this question and see what the word said. 

Welcome back to Parenting to Impress, your go-to podcast to learn practical ways to love God and love others, and impress this on the hearts of your children. I am your host, Heidi Franz, and I'm joined by my dear friend Melanie Shuster. Two moms who have made a lot of mistakes, but have found grace and truth along the way. 

I'm gonna ask you a question, Melanie. Okay. Do you deserve happiness? 

Melanie, Co-Host: 00:50

Yes. I mean, no. Yes. No? I don’t know.  Is this a trick question?

Heidi Franz, Host: 00:52

It is a hard question. When you get down to it, you think, “Well, yeah, I deserve to be happy.” And I truly want my kids to be happy. I mean, nothing breaks my heart more than when my child's heart is broken. But is that what God desires?

Melanie, Co-Host: 01:10

Yeah, it's a good question. I think to your point, when you talked about the introduction, what is the world telling us about being happy? I feel like we're inundated with everything that says, like, you should be happy. Like happiness is the ultimate goal, I guess.

Heidi Franz, Host: 01:24

Look at any Hallmark movie. You deserve to be happy. Go with the person that makes you happy.

Melanie, Co-Host: 01:30

Who clearly does not live in the city because they always leave the city.

Heidi Franz, Host: 01:35

And my farm girl heart always loves that they leave the city. But you choose the person that makes you happy. If you're not happy, you change your situation. Unhappiness is an indicator that something is wrong. 

Let's piggyback on our last podcast where we shared why we haven't podcast for a year and this heartache and the hurt that we've gone through. I think part of this question goes back to as a Christian, shouldn't I be happy? Because I'm following God's will. I'm reading my Bible, I'm going to church, I'm serving in church. So that should make me happy. So if I'm not happy, something needs to change.

Melanie, Co-Host: 02:18

And that is circumstantial. I think that's what you just said right there. Is that it is my happiness is somehow contingent on what's going on around me.

Heidi Franz, Host: 02:28

So what we're going to do is we're going to break this down, looking at the scripture. What does the Bible say about happiness, about our desire for happiness? And I'm going to start with number one that a desire to be happy is not wrong.

Melanie, Co-Host: 02:45

No, I want to go back a step more though, and what is happiness? I mean, you know, off the cuff, I would say happiness is being content, right? Because if you're happy, you're not constantly looking for something else. It doesn't necessarily mean like you're always Pollyanna, Susie Sunshine, right? It's not like that artificial happiness, but it's you're just satisfied. I guess that's the two words I keep coming back to are satisfied and contentment. What's your definition of happiness?

Heidi Franz, Host: 03:12

Yeah, I think I think those are really good. It's laughter, it's sometimes tears of joy.

Melanie, Co-Host: 03:18

It's just I think often we try to describe happiness as what it's not, like it's not feeling scared, it's not feeling anxious, it's not being worried. But I think what we find as we're gonna talk about you can be happy in the midst of circumstances that are anxiety-ridden. You are scared, you can still feel happy when we look at what the scriptures have to say about being happy.

Heidi Franz, Host: 03:42

And I immediately go back to that whole Sunday school answer is that happiness is circumstantial. Joy is what you feel no matter what is going on. I look at James 1:2-3: Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.”  Well, then, don't I deserve joy?

 Melanie, Co-Host: 04:07

That's a great question. And I think again, I'm kind of pulling that thread on the episode that we just recorded about the hard things that we experienced last year. And you talked about Paul David Tripp's book, New Morning Mercies, and how often he reiterates that it is grace that we experience any of the goodness of God. And so what you just said is that reminds me like it is grace that I get to be happy in this life. Because what I deserve is the separation and punishment for my sin. 

So yet again, I mean, how many times have we said this? It is it's a reframing, it's a constant reminding ourselves, preaching the gospel to ourselves that what we deserve is not what we get by God's grace and mercy. What a gift, what an act of love, any happiness, any joy, any peace, any of those things that we're gonna call it contentment, satisfaction. That is a gift from God. So do you deserve it? No. Do you get a lavish gift of it? A hundred percent. 

Heidi Franz, Host: 05:19

Okay, so let's just call it out. It is a lie from the culture that we deserve happiness. That is from the culture, it is not from scripture. Seeking happiness shouldn't even be our goal. Our goal should be seeking holiness, seeking to be like God, Christ-like. And if we shift our focus away from happiness to holiness, I think we're gonna see a lot of it just start fitting together.

Melanie, Co-Host: 05:50

And I think you would say this to be true too. A byproduct of choosing holiness and righteousness is happiness. And that's the amazing thing about following the Lord, is that you are happy and blessed people of God when you choose to follow Him.

Heidi Franz, Host: 06:07

But that does not mean that every choice that God lays in your path, just like we shared in the last podcast, it doesn't mean it's going to bring you to laughter and great happiness. It could bring you to a lot of tears.

 So then we go back to that question of, well, then am I not doing what God wants me to do? And I think, Melanie, both you and I would say, correct me if I'm wrong, that we would not have chosen 2025 and the events that happened, but we would have chosen to learn what we learned.

Melanie, Co-Host: 06:48

Yes. The truth in there is that we don't get to choose the circumstances, we get to choose how we respond to those circumstances.

I've talked about this before…One of the gifts of BSF, Bible Study Fellowship International, is such a deep and rich study of scripture. And when we did the book of Matthew, I'll never forget one of the things that I learned was in the Beatitudes the phrases, blessed are those who mourn, blessed are the meek, and that the translation for blessed is most closely tied to happiness. So you could say, happy are those who mourn. And this is why, because they will be comforted. Comforted by whom? By the Lord Himself.

Heidi Franz, Host: 07:36

Right.

Melanie, Co-Host: 07:36

Happy are the meek, for they will inherit the earth, because God honors the humble and he humbles the proud. I just challenge you to read Matthew 5, the Beatitudes, and just change the word from blessed to happy and see how that resonates with you. It truly impacted how I understand that passage.

Heidi Franz, Host: 07:56

Yeah. Because hard seasons are not punishments. Those valleys, those times where we don't feel happy, those are purposeful to again get us to the goal of holiness, not happiness.

Melanie, Co-Host: 08:14

A dear friend of mine lost her husband very suddenly, a handful of years ago, and as so often is the case, very well-meaning, loving people offered some really bad perspectives, bad advice. One of those was that…she said this to me, “You know, I guess the Lord had to take him to get my attention.” And I said, “You know, I want to stop you right there. Yeah. The Lord would have gotten your attention regardless. I can't speak for the Lord, but I don't think that it's in his nature to take people just to teach you a lesson. But I will tell you that he won't waste what's happening. And he will use it if you submit to him and allow him to do that.”

Fast forward three years now, she would tell you her joy is in the Lord, her happiness is in the Lord out of some ongoing challenging circumstances. Things are not perfect, and I think you and I would both testify to that as well.

Heidi Franz, Host: 09:16

In the desire for happiness, a lot of times we become discontented because we're continually searching for more and more and more to give us that happiness. But contentment is something that is learned through realizing what will give us contentment. I can't scroll more on social media, I can't add another job, I can't have another baby, I can't, all these things that I think are gonna make me happy, they're fleeting.

Melanie, Co-Host: 09:57

I love what you said about how we continually seek the next thing. And it makes me think of how quick we are to be idol makers because we always want to create out of our own hands the thing that we're gonna worship, um, out of this you know, wacky belief that we somehow are in control and we can make things happen. And yet they always fall apart. 

To your point, all of those external things are fleeting, they are going to go away. And so you have to ask yourself what is the one constant? What is the one the steadfast, unchanging, never going to leave me nor forsake me thing?

Heidi Franz, Host: 10:40

It's God. It's the freedom that comes from that continual desire to fill our lives. And Melanie, even as we're talking right here, I'm thinking about both of our 2025s. We were dealing, I hope I can say this, we were dealing with people who are looking for something to fill that contentment.

Melanie, Co-Host: 11:08

Yeah. And I hope that people hear me. This is not judgment on those people, this is not shaming those people, it is more a recognition of, in my case, my attempts to do that myself. And the utter failure that came with that. 

And look, I literally have been confessing this to my children all year. I realized in the past few years that there are things in my life that happen, and I'll think, I'll just go out shopping. I don't need anything. I tell myself that I want something, but I don't need anything. And what the Lord has done is, and it drives my kids crazy. I will go to the store, I will get my little cart, and I will do all my shopping. And then as I stay longer, I start putting things back. And then I leave the empty cart back at the front of the store, and then I leave the store. But that's what I'm trying to say. It's not me. That is the Lord having matured me. But did you hear what I said? I still go to that store. It is an ongoing sin struggle. And I just don't want anybody listening to think that we're sitting up on our high and mighty pedestals, you know, judging people for seeking to be happy, for wanting to have that, um, and falling short because I am still guilty of that.

 Heidi Franz, Host: 12:36

Every single day. When I go into my kitchen, there are times when I want a cookie because it makes me feel happy. Shopping, scrolling, Netflix, whatever it is, we all do it. We are all desiring to fill that discontentment that God says, I want you to have the freedom that comes from surrender and not from entitlement. Because the I deserve to be happy, that is an entitlement that God, you better give it to me because I am doing blank, blank, blank, and blank.

Melanie, Co-Host: 13:19

Yeah. Continues to drive that false narrative, which is somehow I have a say in my sanctification process. Like, oh, you just don't know me well enough, Lord.

Heidi Franz, Host: 13:33

Or I know better. Right. I know better what will get me to that holiness. Or you know what, really, I don't think I'm that far from it.

Melanie, Co-Host: 13:43

And God goes, Well, hey Pharisee, have a seat.

Heidi Franz, Host: 13:48

So I would say, you know, as a confession, man, I I deal with this every single day. This I deserve. Yeah. Yeah. And I maybe don't use that word happiness, but that's really what it is. Right. I want the immediate peace. I want the immediate satisfaction. I think it's the “Amazon” factor on all of us.

Melanie, Co-Host: 14:16

Well, it's that dopamine hit. My kids and I have this discussion. Like, if God designed us this way to have that dopamine that gives us that great feeling, then why, why, why did you make us this way? But it's so hard to not be. And we come back to that picture of grace because I can't do it by myself.

Heidi Franz, Host: 14:37

I think you bring up a great point. If he created us to get that dopamine hit, then what is he wanting that dopamine hit to come from?

Melanie, Co-Host: 14:46

Or is that just another facet of our sinful fallen nature that he wants us to submit to him? And he is going to sanctify out of us. As you said earlier, pursuing holiness and godliness and righteousness. That's self-control. The fruit of the spirit is patience. You have to wait. Contentment and satisfaction don't happen overnight. Those are long-term goals. I would argue that more often than not, most of our deeply seated sins are going to be sanctified over years and years. And it's the same with contentment. We can say we choose contentment. We can say we choose our satisfaction in the Lord, but our sinful nature tells us otherwise. And so it's going to be that constant cycle of choosing to believe God's way is best.

Heidi Franz, Host: 15:34

The problem is that what I want is me. I want what I want, and I want it now, and I'm going to get frustrated and upset with anybody who gets in my way. 

I think, Melanie, nothing exposes the lie of “I deserve happiness” than a godly mom. You know what I'm saying? I think, especially when you have young kids, the last thing you want to do is stand up after a long day and go help a child with something. But I deserve to sit here. I'm tired. And God says, go serve. Go love. And that extra little hug at night that you get after you've served a child, especially when they've been sick. You know, that's joy.

Melanie, Co-Host: 16:24

I keep coming back to this idea of the foundations, right? So you're a mom, you're a caregiver, you're a preschool teacher of littles. And the daily slog is real. You are in some cases being told not to, we did a whole podcast episode about this too, not to squash their spirits. These are little joyful, happy children. And when you try to teach them to obey, when you are teaching them to learn about God, to sit still, to you know, hear the word, to learn how to pray, all the things that we are directed to do, that you are denying their happiness because the world has taught us happiness is, and this goes back to what Heidi was saying earlier, the freedom to choose what you want to choose. And that flies utterly in the face of what scripture tells us, which is you actually are called to deny yourself, pick up your cross. Cross really is a metaphor for whatever you think you deserve, your sin, and die to it and humble yourself before the Lord. We clearly see in scripture that as you are training a child the way they should go, that includes godliness, righteousness, holiness, and it's the long haul.

Heidi Franz, Host: 17:43

And we look again to the scripture. What did Jesus do? Jesus modeled obedience, obedience to his father. He didn't model comfort.

Melanie, Co-Host: 17:54

I feel like we all have had at least one occasion where we have watched someone walk through something so painful, so hard, you know, something that you think would truly break a person. And yet you have seen them yes, weep, yes, grieve, yes, whatever. But you've also seen them be joyful, you've seen them be able to find laughter and comfort, however you want to describe it. And I think that is happiness to me. That is a happy person who can walk through the trials and tribulations of this world because their hope is set elsewhere, and because their foundation here is in the one, the only one who truly is a source of happiness.

Heidi Franz, Host: 18:45

I'm gonna close with this thought. God cares deeply about our joy, but not at the expense of us following him, because true joy comes from walking with God each day.

Announcer: 19:01

Thank you for listening to the Parenting to Impress podcast. We invite you to visit the ABCJesusLovesMe.com and ParentingToimpress.com website. Check out the show notes for more information about topics shared in the episode. Please subscribe, leave a review, and share this episode with your friends.