Letting Go of Fear in Parenting

If you’ve ever felt the weight of trying to control your child’s choices, protect their future, or guarantee their faith—this episode is for you. Heidi and Melanie have an honest, grace-filled conversation about fear-based parenting, the illusion of control, and what it really looks like to trust God with your children. You’ll walk away encouraged, reminded of your true role as a parent, and equipped to release fear and embrace faith.

Helpful Links from this Episode:

• Calling Sin a Sin
• Life Updates
• The Sanctification Process

Episode Sponsor:  ABCJesusLovesMe.com, an educational ministry that equips adults with the materials needed to be intentional in educating children.

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Transcript

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Letting Go as Kids Grow Up

Heidi Franz, Host 0:00

Melanie, I know you can relate to this. When my kids were little, I constantly counted "one, two, three, four." I needed to see all my chickadees. I wanted to make sure that they were safe, they were happy, they were good, nobody was beating up on anybody. You know, my kids rarely left my sight. And that was good because they were little and they needed my protection. But how things changed as they grew.

Heidi Franz, Host 0:32

Even this morning, I had one child leave the house at 4 :45am for a chess tournament. I had a child leave the house at 6:00am for work. I had a child leave the house at 8:00am for a math competition. And I have another one that is at college at his dorm studying right now. I can't count them anymore. I can't keep them safe. And I'm gonna say, Melanie, letting go of control is my hardest part of parenting.

Heidi Franz, Host 1:06

Welcome back to Parenting to Impress, your go-to podcast to learn practical ways to love God and love others and to impress this on the hearts of your children. I am your host, Heidi Franz, and I am joined by my dear friend Melanie Shuster, two moms who have made a lot of mistakes, but have found grace and truth along the way.

When Fear Drives Parenting

Heidi Franz, Host 1:27

Girl, my instinct was to keep my chicks under my wings to protect them from harm, to protect them from poor choices. But the reality is fear was driving my parenting.

Melanie Shuster, Co-Host 1:42

So let me ask you this then. Were you wrong to be scared of some things?

Heidi Franz, Host 1:48

That's such a great question. No, I wasn't wrong. If I let my kids out of my sight when I was in the Walmart parking lot, because we're in Arkansas and everything's Walmart, they could be hurt severely. So no, I wasn't wrong. If I was inside Walmart, they could get lost and scared. But where it became wrong is the idea that I could control everything around them and thus confirm their salvation and sanctification process.

Melanie Shuster, Co-Host 2:25

Basically, if you were up there in, what does NASA call it? The control deck. And you were maneuvering all the things and making all the decisions, getting them to church and to Sunday school, that no harm would come to them.

Heidi Franz, Host 2:42

Melanie, I'm gonna admit, I really thought I could control. I thought if I did what I needed to do during those formation years, that toddler & preschool stage, that I would raise children who every morning were having quiet times, and were faithful to go to church. I really believed that... I'm gonna say it.. lie.

Melanie Shuster, Co-Host 3:07

I don't think you're alone. I mean, I think many, many of us feel that way, or have felt that way. And then reality sets in and you are quickly reminded that these indeed are actual people with free will. Not little robots. The narrative that we told ourselves starts to unravel.

Heidi Franz, Host 3:26

It does. And that's scary because if the core of your parenting is to control and create these obedient children, then what do you have left?

Melanie Shuster, Co-Host 3:38

Even just the parent that is genuinely themselves controlled by fear of "What if?" "What if a stranger takes them? What if when they're in school a tornado comes through?" You can "W hat if?" till the kingdom comes and probably still not cover all the "What ifs." Sometimes it's not even genuinely about behavior, it's just about protection. And I don't think that's a bad thing. Of course you want to protect your kids, and of course you want them to grow up to be godly people.

Heidi Franz, Host 4:06

And I am not in any way saying that you don't use those formative years to discipline and form your children. I am not saying that you don't take them to church and you don't teach them about God's love and forgiveness and grace. I am not saying that at all. What I did wrong, is I did it thinking that I could control the outcome.

Melanie Shuster, Co-Host 4:36

Because the fear was they would reject the Lord, they would not uphold and adhere to the things that you held dearly and do still do... Which are community with other believers and scripture and worship and obedience to God. So what was the turning point for you then?

Control Is An Illusion

Heidi Franz, Host 4:56

Well, as we talked in the last podcast about sanctification, the turning point was God showing me that control is an illusion. And that God designed my children to make their own choices. They have free will. And I can't force that. I would say, Mel, the reality of it is, if I could force it, then it wouldn't be free will. Also, if I could force it, I wouldn't choose for them to go through things that are actually going to be part of God's glory.

Melanie Shuster, Co-Host 5:37

That's how He is sanctifying them as believers. I think too, Heidi, we parent with the end in mind. When we do parent from a place of fear, I've done it too, it's so common. I think we wrongly believe that then they're going to leave the house and be those people. But the reality is, if you have that level of control, one of two things is going to happen. You're going to have a kiddo that just outright rejects everything you've taught them, everything you've trained them up in. Or you're going to have kids that can't function as adults. So how do we get to a place where we can let them go?

The Slow Baton Pass

Heidi Franz, Host 6:20

Wow. That's a personal question. I think first of all, we have to start with the end in mind, as you said. So at the beginning, we are walking alongside that child. We are calling a sin, a sin. We are giving consequences for negative behavior. We are offering comfort when they are hurting. We are giving advice. But as they grow, it just looks different. We become cheerleaders, encouragers, sounding boards, prayer warriors, instead of trying to control because we desire a certain outcome.

Melanie Shuster, Co-Host 7:05

That's really important to remember. And it goes back to your point of they have to go through some things, some hard things often, just like we did, to really meet God in very specific places that are going to be those areas where he shows us parts of his character. He reveals, to your point, our sin, and he reminds us of who really is in control. It's not me, it's Him.

Heidi Franz, Host 7:32

The image that just came to my mind is that passing of the baton. In parenting, it's not a quick pass. It's a gentle pass that happens over time. And you give the child more control as they show the maturity to have that control. But in order for them to build the maturity to have that control, we've got to let go and they're gonna have to make some mistakes.

Melanie Shuster, Co-Host 7:59

Yeah, they're gonna drop the baton a couple times.

Heidi Franz, Host 8:01

Oh Mel, and that's so hard. When my two-year-old made a mistake, the consequences were so small. But when my 17-year-old makes a mistake, it's hard to watch. But it's that parenting with the long range view.

Melanie Shuster, Co-Host 8:21

So instead of fretting and wringing hands when they drop the baton when they're two or even when they're 17, the response is the same in its core, which is we come alongside and we offer comfort. There are two-year-olds that will flat out reject your comfort, just like there are 17-year-olds that will say, "I want more comfort." Sometimes it's not the picture you think it is, but just walking along and saying, "I'm here. I'm here if you need me."

Purpose Beyond Being Needed

Heidi Franz, Host 8:49

I think it's also the realization that our kids don't need us as teenagers, like they did when they were newborn, two, four, and six. It's different. And accepting that difference and not, again, having the fear that, "Oh man, they don't need me anymore." Because, Mel, my purpose in life does not come from how much my kids need me.

Melanie Shuster, Co-Host 9:21

Say it again for the ones in the back.

Heidi Franz, Host 9:24

My purpose in life does not come from how much my kids need me.

Melanie Shuster, Co-Host 9:30

So what does it come from? I know that's not the topic of this podcast, but people are gonna want to know.

Heidi Franz, Host 9:36

My purpose in life is to bring God glory wherever I am. When they are newborn, two, four, and six as mine were, my purpose was to give them a firm foundation of what it looked like to obey, what it looked like to love others. Now my kids are in high school and in college, and my purpose is now their encourager. But I'm also seeing that my purpose is not being this hands-on mom that I once was. I think that has to slowly change also.

Heidi Franz, Host 10:16

More and more I am pouring into friendships and I'm pouring into young moms. My marriage looks so different. And if we suddenly have our kids go off into the sunset and we're left standing going, "Now what do I do?" It's so much easier if we have done that slow baton toss. Now, that does not mean that my college kids don't still need me. Our conversations are longer. They're definitely longer. They're deeper, they're more sporadic, because my kids will call as they're walking to their college class or after they had a Bible class and they're like, "Mom, what do you think about this? What does this mean?" Because it's different than how they were raised. They're hearing different beliefs, not theological beliefs, but they're hearing different thoughts. And so they're wrestling through that. I'll listen to them, and wrestle through it with them.

Fear in Parenting Teens and Adult Children

Melanie Shuster, Co-Host 11:24

You're right. It is now more a coaching, encouraging stance rather than the hands-on, in -it -with -them. Now you're kind of on the sidelines. But it's so much fun. It's so much fun to be with your adult kids. But I think fear will rear its ugly head for me, even as my children have gotten older. It just looks different. To your point, the consequences seem to be a bit heavier now. It could be quite life-altering for some things. But also when you have lived enough life that you now have adult children, you have seen how things can go so wrong, so sideways.

Melanie Shuster, Co-Host 12:08

One of the episodes we had just a few weeks ago, we talked about life updates. And my kids now have to walk through divorce as part of their family story. And I am not going to sit here and tell you and lie to you that I have not had to battle with fear over... You know, I have an adult child who's married and I can be fearful about his marriage. And then my children, the three that are not married, going on to have successful marriages. So I just say that by way of acknowledging that fear will continue to creep its ugly head back in. Can we pause for a second? I am just thinking about "What does scripture say about fear?" Because I know some verses off the top of my head that make it seem like we shouldn't be afraid.

Heidi Franz, Host 12:55

I always come back to 2 Timothy 1:7. "For God did not give us the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." I get fearful and I can feel it creeping in, and it kind of takes over my entire body sometimes. That fear of "What choice is this child going to make and how is it gonna alter his life?" And I can start to panic. But I am reminded that fear is not from God. Instead, God gives me a sound mind. So when my entire body is anxious and fearful, I know that is not what God has given me. I know that is what the enemy is feeding to me. It's recognizing: What is a valid concern? What is something that I need to pray about, or talk to my children about? What am I trying to control in my conversation with them or in the details with them? Because I think that "If I say this or I do this, it will keep them from harm," the path that I think will be negative. When in reality, Mel, sometimes am I out of fear trying to keep them out of something that's actually gonna pull them closer to God?

Melanie Shuster, Co-Host 14:24

So again, just reminding ourselves that ultimately we are not in control.

Heidi Franz, Host 14:29

And we are not their saviors. We do a disservice. Our job is to point them to their Savior... not that they can come to us every time and we're gonna fix things.

Melanie Shuster, Co-Host 14:39

You said something interesting about the anxiety that takes over your whole body. One of the things that I've been learning as an adult in Christian counseling is to pay attention to that. Like when my heart races, something's not right. Or if I'm worried about something and my stomach's upset, is to recognize it and call it out. He says not to have fear, not because there aren't things to be afraid of. There are loads of things to be afraid of. But we don't have to be fearful because he is with us in every circumstance. He is with us in the darkest pit. I will tell you that this past year, he has been with me every step of the way.

Melanie Shuster, Co-Host 15:20

Coming back to your point, we threaten to take away the gift of His presence when we try to make ourselves our kids' savior, or we try to protect them from a circumstance in which they might feel the closest to God. That has been a good check for me. What is my motive? And can I take that motive before the Lord and just ask, "Should I say this? Should I do this? Should I keep my mouth shut?"

When Prayer Turns Into An Idol

Heidi Franz, Host 15:48

We were talking about sanctification in the last episode, that importance of godly friends who will hold you accountable. And I think you were the one in my life who said in roundabout ways that I am praying so much about this that it's actually becoming an idol. And you were spot on. I was so consumed with a child's decision, and I was praying so much about it, that it wasn't a prayer in peace, that God was trustworthy, that God was faithful, that God's timing is perfect. It was that I had to pray, thinking that I could convince God if I prayed enough and fervently. Now, I am not saying that fervent prayers are not what God says, and we are to be continue praying. It was really fear that I wasn't praying enough, that I wasn't praying the right way, and had become an idol instead of trusting God.

Melanie Shuster, Co-Host 16:57

Well, and the reason I said that to you is because it was true in my own life. I have walked through seasons of parenting where I was all consumed by either a behavior or a pattern, whatever it was. And my sister, the sage, would point out because I would be like, "I need to do this Bible study," or "I should probably bring that child in and we should start doing devotionals every night." I wanted to fix it. I wanted to work it out for them, with them. And that was my idol, that somehow I could do something that only God could do. Which is to change their hearts, to give them a new vision, to give them a new perspective, to reveal sin and by his grace convict them and draw them to repentance. I can't do it. Well, I can "do it", and it looks like it's the right action, but going back to sanctification, it's the heart motive.

Heidi Franz, Host 17:53

What you're doing is behavior modification. And what we're after is heart change. We have confessed that we have been fearful multiple times. I was fearful when my kids were little that I wasn't doing enough, that I wasn't loving enough, that I wasn't disciplining enough, that I was disciplining too much. I mean, it was just, it's that constant battle. When we get down to the core of it, it's based in fear.

Heidi Franz, Host 18:19

When they get older, we fear about their friends. We fear about their choices they're making, their likes, their dislikes. Again, fear-based. When they're in high school and college, their majors, their friend groups, where they're going to college. Again, fear-based. So my encouragement to myself, my encouragement to all of us, is that parenting doesn't mean we stop caring. It doesn't mean we stop putting boundaries. It doesn't mean we stop loving. What it does mean is that in all of this, we do it out of obedience to God, not out of fear. We do it out of trusting God for the outcome and not thinking that we own this, because God loves our kids more than we do.

Prayer And Closing Encouragement

Melanie Shuster, Co-Host 19:16

Heidi, I'm just gonna wrap this up with a short prayer for the parent that is deep in the throes of feeling that fear and anxiety, and maybe for the first time thinking about a different way of doing it.

Melanie Shuster, Co-Host 19:30

Lord God, thank you so much that you reveal these things to us in your grace and your love and your abundance of kindness, that you want to show us these areas where we are trying to be lowercase G "gods" in our own lives and in the lives of our children. So, God, would you continue to give us your vision, your perspective for ourselves and for our children, and trust you, Lord? Trust that your way is the best and we can completely rest in knowing that you have these children. As Heidi said, you love them infinitely more than we do, and you have what's best in store for them. So, Lord, would you help us to unclench our fists, take off the white knuckle grip of the steering wheel? And Lord, let us also be at peace in knowing that you are God. Amen.

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