Nearest And Dearest Podcast - Bridging Family Dynamics

NPE - Not Parent Expected

• Julie Rogers • Season 3 • Episode 11

Share episode

Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.

0:00 | 20:07

👋 Send a text 💬 or voicemail 🗣

Could discovering a buried family secret reshape your entire existence? Join me, as I recount my journey of uncovering the truth about my biological father.

I'm also thrilled to feature Alesia Weiss, a retired RN, an Army vet and writer, who has dedicated her life to supporting NPEs (Not Parent Expected). Alesia founded a resource center website - NPEN -  nursing for NPEs as well as a Facebook group called DNA Identity Surprise and This NPE Life, offering invaluable support to those facing similar life-altering revelations.

 Whether you're navigating your own NPE journey or are simply intrigued by these powerful stories, this episode offers a beacon of support and community. 🫶
📣LINKS! 📣

⬇️⬇️⬇️

Discovery of Biological Father and Family

Julie Rogers

No one ever said life is easy , but I believe by giving yourself permission , you will find you have more control over your life than you realize . I'm Julie . I hope you will join me by taking responsibility for yourself , by only controlling the things you can and letting go of the things that you can't . By doing this , you will have discovered the secret to having happy , healthy and more fulfilling relationships . This is Nearest and Dearest Podcast . I'm Julie Rogers and you are listening to Season 3 , episode 11 , NPE - Not Parent Expected .

Julie Rogers

NPE is also known as a non-paternity event . Genetically speaking , this means there was a situation in which someone who is presumed to be an individual's father is not , in fact , the biological father . For me when I shared with you in my first episode , Owning My Truth , it was very freeing to acknowledge that I found my biological father , but what I didn't give you in detail was how I processed this revelation . For anyone who has gone through this life-altering experience , the one common thread that speaks loudly is your life will never be the same again . I have had both positive and negative emotions . Overall , I feel very grateful . I always felt different in my family not just because of my physical traits compared to my dad and siblings while growing up , but other genetic traits that are behavioral , like my personality and creativity . I felt like I was looking at my dad and trying to find something that connected me to him .

Julie Rogers

After my parents divorced , I really only saw him on Sundays at his home with my stepmother and siblings . When he remarried , he called us after the ceremony and wanted to come by and pick us up to celebrate . I was around 12 . I remember feeling so mad that we weren't invited to the ceremony so I didn't go to that celebration . It was a moment of me feeling disconnected to him . On those Sundays , dad would pick us up and we would visit with him from lunch through dinner . Then he would drop us back home to where we lived with our mom . As I got older and busier with my own teen years , I didn't always go on Sundays . I just wasn't close to him . I felt unenthusiastic whenever I was around him .

Julie Rogers

By the time I was 17 , mom moved my youngest sister and I to Connecticut . Once there , I married the following year and lived there for over 20 years . I didn't see my dad very often throughout those years . Even when I would come back to New York to visit family , I didn't always take the time to go and visit with him . There was this weird thing , though , about my actual birthday . For quite a long while I was told my birthday was February 2nd , Groundhog Day . It was always a funny joke in my family , but eventually I came across my birth certificate and it clearly said February 1st . Even though I showed the evidence of this , my dad and siblings would hold on to that joke , that I was born on Groundhog Day . To this day , I still don't understand why Dad claimed that .

Julie Rogers

I was used to him not feeling comfortable in the presence of my mom .

Julie Rogers

I had always known Dad's anger towards her after the divorce was always there , coming up to the surface if any of us asked him for money as kids , and he would say that's why I give your mother child support , meaning , don't ask him for any . So I didn't . I started babysitting at 12 , and I would use that money to buy myself the things I wanted . My parents worked hard their whole lives and were raising six kids . There wasn't much extra to go around . We just knew how bitter Dad was towards Mom . It was an unspoken truth . I never took the opportunity to ask him why he was so angry when it came to our mom . I didn't have that kind of relationship with him to talk about real concerns or things that bothered me . I can only speculate . It affected our whole lives . Even once we all started having our own families , we could never have had both mom and dad in the same bleachers for a sporting game , let alone sharing any family celebrations together . It just wasn't going to happen .

Julie Rogers

Because of all of this , I was grieving a close father-daughter relationship that I never had with my dad . I'm not saying it was toxic or mean-spirited . It was just not fulfilling for me . On the flip side , I was extremely close to my mom . She introduced me to community theater , something that we both loved to do . I sometimes was able to go to her rehearsals and watch her . She came to all the plays I was in . Even though it was going to be my senior year in high school when we moved from New York to Connecticut . I wanted to see her happy . When her relationship ended with a man who couldn't commit to her and she moved back to New York with my youngest sister after I got married . I understood her pain . My mom was always the most constant , positive , loving mother I could have ever asked for .

Julie Rogers

I will never know why she didn't tell me that there was a chance that dad wasn't my biological father . Again , I can speculate . It comes up every now and then , especially when someone who has listened to my podcast or have shared my truth with asks the question did your mom think you had a different father ? It's been over eight years since I did the sibling DNA test with my youngest sister , which catapulted me to start processing the fact that I have a different biological father compared to my other siblings . This realization wasn't a real surprise to me or my siblings , but at the other end of this truth was a hidden , deep-rooted secret inside my mom . Was it shame ? She was in an unhappy marriage with my dad . She was 30 years old , raising my three older brothers and dealing with an alcoholic husband .

Julie Rogers

I found out by asking my oldest brother , Mike , who is nine years older than me , where Mom worked in the summer of 1965 when I was conceived . I had no idea she was a cocktail waitress at a local bowling alley in Watertown . Having to talk to my sisters about this , they remember her sharing this particular job over the years with them , but she never shared that info with me . By revealing this knowledge to my biological father ,J oe , in October 2019 , when he was trying to piece together how my mom knew him , it started to spell things out . Joe was in the Army at the time . He was back home from the service . He told me he would go to the bowling alley a few times a week that summer along with some of his friends . By giving her name and a photo of when she was younger , he remembered her fondly .

Julie Rogers

I believe my mom was looking for a distraction . From what my brother , Mike , told me, she didn't work at the bowling alley for long . Dad didn't want her working nights and wanted her home with the boys . Mom left working there and never saw Joe again . Could it be that she put that moment of indiscretion so far away in her mind and focused on trying to survive a challenging marriage ? How could she have not noticed how very different I looked , with no resemblance from my dad ? Why couldn't she tell me there was a real possibility that , because of that moment of indiscretion that she chose , could have led to my conception when I asked her years prior to the beginning of her dementia ?

Julie Rogers

Speculation is what we tell ourselves when we don't have all the answers we long for . I have used it over the years when trying to understand my mom's thinking and my dad's anger . I have been reflecting more about how I didn't go into a depression or have any anger towards my mom . I think because of my age at the time of discovery, 50 when I had the proof from the sibling DNA test and 53 when I found Joe, along with the fact that my mom was battling dementia, in the last stages of her life , gave me more gratitude and peace . I had the power within myself to intentionally ask the hard questions , stir up difficult realizations from my family's past and do the work to discover the unknown which would link me to what I deserved to know . As human beings , each of us deserve to know where we came from . We can't choose our biological identities , but what we can choose is to decide , no matter how the truth finally comes out , what to do with it . I have had those moments when I wonder how my life would have been if I knew earlier in my life who my biological father was . I can't help but feel I have missed out on some relationships that could have contributed to my overall well-being .

Julie Rogers

Since Joe has been in my life .

Julie Rogers

I have met a lot of my extended family over these last five years . To start with , seeing such familiar looking faces that match some of my own physical characteristics has been surreal . I have been hearing stories , along with photos , about my grandparents and great-grandparents . My great-grandparents were the first to immigrate from Italy through Ellis Island . Both my paternal great-grandparents immigrated from Italy . The fact that the Storinos were living in Watertown , the same city I was while growing up , is unbelievable to me . To be honest , I wasn't looking for a new family . I love my family . It wasn't about them . It was about me needing to find my identity . I remember watching TV shows like Long Lost Family , which aired in 2016 , and feeling very emotional .

Julie Rogers

My dad passed from lung cancer in 2003 . There was something inside me that longed to find my answers . So , with dad gone and mom battling Alzheimer's , I knew I had to be Sherlock Holmes , with the hope of finding all the puzzle pieces that would connect together . I have no regrets about my journey . Having Joe and Sharri in my life is a true gift . I have met wonderful relatives who have shown a genuine interest in me .

Julie Rogers

I went to Italy last year and visited the Calabria region where my paternal ancestors are from . I even have an interest in trying to locate some family that still may reside in that area . A friend who has relatives in the same area , who speaks and writes Italian , is doing a search for me . Through a website she found, that could possibly help . I gave her my great-grandparents' names and date of births , along with the areas they were born .

Julie Rogers

A lot has changed in my life since I found Joe . I got to have closure with my mom before she passed . I have gained parents , along with another family that has been very loving to me, my husband , my children and grandchildren . I don't believe there can ever be too much love . I have recently joined a Facebook group called DNA Identity Surprise and This NPE Life . I want to read other NPEs journeys and feel that connection, that only others like me, have experienced . I have always believed, that by connecting with others who have experienced similar journeys , no matter how difficult , challenging or gut-wrenching those life journeys are , can help us feel we are not alone .

Navigating NPE Journey and Resources

Julie Rogers

Alesia Weiss , who is a retired RN, Army vet, writer and is the creator of this Facebook group , also is the creator of the Resource Center website called N-P-E-N Nursing for NPEs . Alesia also was on a podcast titled Beyond Well with Sheila Hamilton . She shared some of her own personal NPE journey that she discovered in a recent episode . I will share hyperlinks under my show notes if you would like to learn more about the Facebook group or the website she founded , which is to help other NPEs navigate this forever life-changing process that keeps evolving, along with a hyperlink for that podcast episode she was on .

Julie Rogers

If you would like to share your own experience that you are navigating through as an NPE not parent expected, please send me an email at julierogers@ nearestanddearestpodcast . com . You will also find a hyperlink for my email address under my show notes as well . If you would like me to share it on a future episode of Nearest And Dearest Podcast , I would be honored to do so . Thank you for listening . The views and opinions expressed by Nearest and Dearest Podcast are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of Nearest And Dearest Podcast . Any content provided by Julie Rogers or any other authors are of their opinion . They are not intended to malign any religion , ethnic group , club , organization , company , individual or anyone or anything . Thank you .