Aion Farvahar  0:13
Kindness and Why You Should be Kinder to Yourself
By Aion Farvahar
"Kindness is less about being kind and caring to others,
and more about opening heart to be kind and caring to yourself. 
Only when you are kind and caring to yourself, 
you feel empowered to be most kind and caring to others."
Hi, this is Aion Farvahar. I am glad you are here.
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Today, we want to focus on Kindness and why you should be kinder to yourself. Kindness is an expression of compassion and care, to people that need or deserve that compassion or care, you included. Being kinder to yourself is not about becoming selfish or self-absorbed, or stop being kind to others. It's about being fair to yourself, and appreciating parts of you that do their best to help you navigate life and its demands. If you don't choose to be kind to yourself, who is going to do that? What if people around you cannot see the goodness in you, or fail to appreciate all that you do? Who is left to notice your goodness or best efforts? You are! Only when you learn to be kind and appreciative to yourself, you can be more kind and appreciative to others. 

Some view being kind as being soft or naive, in order to be accepted and liked by others. But, kindness can also be expressed from the position of power, without expectations. Giving or receiving kindness is healing and transforming, because kindness opens your heart and changes the emotional state of your mind. Expressing kindness to living beings, is like watering plants in a garden. As water nourishes and rejuvenates plants, kindness nourishes and rejuvenates your heart, and the hearts of living beings you touch. 

Aion Farvahar  3:18
Being kind to yourself is a conscious choice, a choice that can change how you view and experience yourself. I invite you to make that choice, because being kind to yourself opens your heart, and makes you immune to all negative energies inside and outside of you. If you are an empath or a caring and compassionate individual, kindness is a part of your nature. However, empaths or caring and compassionate individuals, who are kind to others, often forget being kind to themselves. Sadly, they often don't receive enough kindness and care from others either. Because of that, kind and caring individuals, don't always receive the kindness, care, or even gratitude they deserve, and deep inside, often feel alone, melancholic, and unappreciated. If you consider yourself an empath or a caring individual, it's even more essential for you to be kind and appreciative to yourself.

It would useful to clarify what I mean here by "being kind to others" or "being kind to yourself". Being kind to others is not about becoming a people pleasure, in order to feel accepted and valued by others. It is also not about being soft or naive against narcissistic demands of self-absorbed individuals, to get their approval or validation. Being kind to others, as defined here, is about responding to emotional needs of others, who need kindness and compassion, not out of pity but because of who you are, and what you stand for as a true human being. Being kind to others should not feel as an obligation, or be motivated by your desire to feel good about yourself. It is an act of courage, and it is meant to empower you, open your heart, and help you stand for what you believe. 

Similarly, being kind to yourself is not about becoming more selfish or narcissistic. It is the recognition and appreciation of yourself and everything about you, without judgment. Being kind to yourself is nourishing and empowering, as long as it does not disconnect you from others, or make you feel inflated or higher than others.

The goal of this presentation to help you understand the importance of kindness, especially kindness and care you extend toward yourself. If you consider yourself an empath, a compassionate individual, or in contrast, someone who needs kindness and compassion, you may find the content provided here useful. More specifically, we cover on the following topics:

What is Kindness? (Inward and Outward Expression of Kindness)
Why you should be Kinder to Yourself?
What usually prevents you from Being Kind to Yourself?
And, How to become Kinder to Yourself?  

Let's go over these. 

Aion Farvahar  6:55
What is Kindness? (Inward and Outward Expression of Kindness)
Kindness can be expressed inward toward yourself, or outward toward others. Kindness is relational, which means it has an object and a subject, a giver and a receiver. When you express kindness, you are the giver, and whom you express it to, is the receiver. Receiver of your kindness could be others, or you yourself. That said, you can choose to be kind to others, be kind to your own self, be kind to both, or to neither. When it comes to kindness, one of the followings always applies:
 
You are kind to others, but not so much to yourself 
You are kind to yourself, but not so much to others
You are a kind person, kind to both yourself and others    
Or in rare cases, You may be kind neither to yourself nor to others.

Which one of these does apply to you? The fact that you are here listening in, means that you consider yourself a kind person, or someone who values kindness. You may resonate more with one of these categories, depending on how connected you feel to yourself and others, and how aware you are of the emotional needs of yourself and others. Let's say a bit more about each of these four categories. 

Being kind to others, but not so much to own self
We tend to be kind to others, but not so much to our own self, when our sense of worth is defined through our external relationships. For example, if I define my sense of worth in being liked by others, or seen as good person, I may become a people pleaser, and devote most of my attention to people around me. Because of that, through time I feel more and more disconnected from my own self, as if I don't matter. Because I am not fully connected to myself, I cannot notice the parts of me that feel alone and unappreciated, parts that need some attention and care too. I may not even see a reason for being kind to myself, or even feel uncomfortable or awkward thinking about that, as if I don't really need or deserve that. Sadly, many empaths, caregivers, psychologists, social workers, and other empathic parents or individuals, usually end up in this category. 

Being kind to own self, but not so much to others
We tend to be kind to our own self, but not to others, when we feel overly pre-occupied with our own emotional needs, to the point that feel disconnected from others, and don't even sense the pain or emotional needs of others. For example, if I grew up as a neglected child, and did not receive enough care and kindness from others in the past, I may give up hope to ever receive any care and kindness from others. I choose to withdraw from others, become more self-centered and narcissistic, and only care about my own needs. Individuals with narcissistic tendencies often grew up with parents or guardian that were overly selfish and pre-absorbed with their own affairs, not giving enough care, kindness, or love to their children. Unfortunately, isolated and self-absorbed individuals falling under this category, are often loners, feel disconnected from others, and therefore alone.  

Being a kind person, kind to both own self and others    
We tend to be kind both to our own self and others, when we realize that attending to our own emotional needs is as important as attending to those in others. We realize that being kind and caring to our own self, opens our heart, and enables us to be kinder and more caring to others. Unfortunately this realization is not as obvious and has to be experienced. Let me give an example. Imagine you have a very busy day and someone in need asks you for a favor. A part of you wants to offer help, but another part of you wants you to take care of your own affairs. If you are kind to yourself and refuse to help the other person, you may feel bad and selfish. In contrast, if you are kind to the other person, a part of you worrying about your own needs gets frustrated. 

There is a quick contemplation that can minimize guilt or frustration in such situation. For example, if I were in that situation, I would take a quick break to internally connect to the part of me that is worried about my own affairs. I would be kind to it and tell it that I appreciate its hard work and worries. I ask it if it can give me permission to help the other person. I also promise to make time to take care of things, after I cared for the other person. This calm down my system, allowing me to help the other person, without feeling frustrated. Extending kindness and appreciation to your own parts, always calms down your system. Being equally kind and caring to yourself and others is the most ideal state of being.   

Aion Farvahar  13:50
Being kind neither to own self or to others    
We tend to reject kindness, when we have a nihilistic and dystopian view of the world, and see human nature as negative, evil, and unworthy of compassion. This is a hellish state, like being a plant in a desert. Let me give an example. If I chose to believe, the world is an abyss, and people are inherently evil, my heart would be filled with negativity and resentment toward life as a whole. This belief could have come through my painful experiences, through archetypal possessions, or both. But irrespective of how I ended up believing that, I will suffer in the world view I created. People that experience this state are often highly depressed, resentful, and angry. They believe life is about suffering, and suffer the most, because they refuse to see or believe in goodness and light deep inside all living beings. 

Remember that we have two choices in life, either live to manifest and inspire light and goodness by our way of life, or let the darkness and negativity affect us, and disconnect us from our own self and each other. I invite you to be kind and caring to yourself, not only because it is fair and justified, but also because it opens your heart, and empowers you to manifest the best in you. 

Why you should be Kinder to Yourself?
Whether you consider yourself a kind person or not, being kind to yourself is essential, but why? Being kind to yourself is not really about self-admiration, or occasionally treating yourself to things you want. It is about expressing your kindness and appreciation to yourself for all that you are, in both words and actions. Let me clarify what I mean. Let's say you are someone who is dedicated to whatever you do, both in your personal and professional life. You have good intentions in things you do, and always care about doing your best. Because you care and do your best, you also want to be recognized and appreciated by others. 

Because you are good, have good intentions, and do your best, a part of you wants to be seen that way, and be appreciated by others. Unfortunately, people in your life may not see your good intentions and hard work, and may not recognize or appreciate your efforts. This can be disappointing and demoralizing, because the part of you that made all the efforts feels unseen and unappreciated. So, who needs to ultimately see and appreciate the caring, well-intentioned, and hardworking parts of you, if one else does that? You are! It's only you who is aware of your good intention and efforts. It's only you that can extend kindness and caring gratitude to yourself. 

The point here is that if you are not kind, caring, and appreciative to yourself, you may never receive these from others, and parts of you that deserve these, feel unseen or unappreciated. The higher your expectations from receiving kindness, care, and appreciation from others, the more likely it's for you to feel disappointed, demoralized, and even depressed. 

Aion Farvahar  18:13
But, if you choose to be kind, caring, and appreciative to your own self, you feel seen, cared for, and appreciated, and because of that, feel even more motivated to be kind, caring, and appreciative to others. Being kind to yourself is about being fair to yourself, about recognizing your good nature, your good intentions, and all efforts you put forth in your life, or in your relationship with people you care about. 

What usually prevents you from Being Kind to Yourself? 
Being kind to yourself is about opening your heart to yourself, seeing yourself in good light, without judgment or self-criticism. Even if there are certain aspects of you or your life that you are not happy about, you cannot let these make you forget about many other positive aspects in you. If you agree, do you feel you are kind and caring enough to yourself? I hope you are. If not, do you know why? What blocks you from that, especially if you consider yourself a good and caring person?     

Sadly, the kindest people with most compassionate heart are those who often believe they don't "need" kindness or care, and would rather give those to others. Empaths and compassionate individuals are those who often pay least attention to their own self and well-being. But, why is that? Why certain people forget or don't feel comfortable being kind to themselves. There could be several reasons. I list some of them here: 

Some individuals may find it hard to be kind to themselves, because they have a negative self-image, and don't feel good about themselves. For example, if I dislike my look, feel that I'm not as smart, feel lazy and unmotivated, feel lonely or abandoned, or feel shame for things I have done, it'd be hard for me to see myself in good light, and to be kind to myself. 
Some individuals may find it hard to be as kind to themselves, because they have fear of being seen by others as selfish and narcissistic. This usually happens to those, who grew up with parents or guardians, who shamed their children for caring about their own needs, in order to be seen as good. For example, if I grew up in an environment that required me to always be accommodating to my parents' and siblings' needs, I become numb to my own needs, because I may believe caring about myself makes me selfish, narcissistic, and a bad person. 
Some individuals may find it hard to be as kind to themselves, because they carry emotional pain and feel sad and depressed. For example, if I were depressed, I would rather receive kindness, care, and compassion from others. My emotional heart is burdened, and I don't have access to my own capacity for self-compassion. Ironically, the ultimate remedy for depression is self-compassion. 

Aion Farvahar  22:16
How to become Kinder to Yourself?  
If you are open, I'd like to invite you to do a quick contemplation. I invite you to be an observer of yourself for a moment. You can look at a mirror, look at one of your solo pictures, or image a version of yourself in your mind. 

What is the very first thought or emotion that comes to your mind seeing or imaging yourself? 

Is it positive or negative? 
Is it judgmental and self-critical, or kind and caring? 
Does it make you feel sad for everything you went through in life, 
   or awaken a sense of pride in you for how you managed to navigate them all?  

If your view of yourself is positive, caring, self-accepting, and so on, your heart is already open, and you don't have negative beliefs or emotions blocking you from being kind to yourself. 

But, if you have a shaming, judgmental, and self-critical view about yourself, you need to do some inner work to let go of them. Remember that our self-shaming or self-critical views are often created during our Childhood, because shame and critical language was used as a mean in our upbringing. So, holding on to them is neither fair nor life-promoting. If you commit to have good intentions, and do your best in all circumstances, there is no justification to be overly self-critical. Also, if you value being authentic more than being perfect, then everything about you, including things that may not seem as perfect, are also things that make you unique and authentic.  
 
Similarly, if you feel sad and depressed when thinking about yourself, there are wounded parts in your personality, especially your inner child, who may carry emotional pain, feel unseen and abandoned, and because of that, feel sad. You need to do some inner work to find these emotionally wounded parts of you, and help them heal to reclaim their true and soulful nature. If you are interested to know more about psychological inner work, please refer to one of my earlier posts on this topic, linked in the description below. 

In closing, remember that kindness, gratitude, and love are the three best gifts you can receive from others, and also the best gifts you can give to yourself and others. As a giver of these, you feel caring, appreciative, and loving, and as a receiver, you feel valued, appreciated, and loved. So, when you give kindness, gratitude, and love to yourself, you feel both caring and cared for, appreciative and appreciated, and above all, loving and loved. 

If you have found this presentation inspiring, please like and share it with your like-minded friends. Please subscribe to my channel and share your thoughts and comments. For more information about myself and my life mentoring practice, please find my bio link in the description below.

Blessings.