Alchemising Education - It's My Life

It's Their Life; Are We Raising Kids to Trust Themselves?

Alright, Quantifolks—balls and all time. When did we start believing that our kids needed to be managed/guided/fixed instead of just trusted?

Somewhere along the way, we stopped seeing our children as whole beings and started treating them like projects—something to manage, shape, or perfect. We, parents, have the best intentions, of course. We want them to be happy, successful, thriving. But here’s the kicker: what if the very act of “guiding” them is steering them away from who they truly are?

A no-holds-barred look at the ways we—often unknowingly—condition our kids out of their truth. We explore the invisible weight of diagnosis culture, the unspoken pressure to fit in, and the ways we accidentally curate compliant adults instead of raising self-trusting, free-thinking humans. But it doesn’t have to be this way.

What if our kids don’t need to be managed, but witnessed?
 What if, instead of control, we embraced collaboration, trust, and fostered deep connection?
 What if the most powerful thing we can do as parents is get out of the way?

We’re unpacking all of it—why trust is the foundation of a thriving child, how to repair it when it’s been shaken, and the simple ways we can create a home where kids feel seen, heard, and empowered. And yes, there’s opportunity for some Bon Jovi karaoke in there too.

Tune in and reimagine what’s possible. Your child’s future isn’t about ticking boxes. It’s about helping them own their life, just as you do yours.

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Transcript

0:06

But yeah, I mean, I tried to actually get a video, a surreptitious video. The kids are too savvy these days. I was trying to just film like, I don't know what I was doing. It was like trying to film the side mirror because we were driving, you know, we'd gone on some trip or something and the whole car was just belting out It's My Life. Oh, I love it. The bonding that happened with that was beautiful. It was so good. And I'm like, that's it. You can build trust and reestablish trust in all Absolutely. And it is that connection time. Yeah. It's just that connection time, whether it be talking, singing, dancing, Hello and welcome, Quanti-folks, to another episode of Fark the Shoulds Little Sister podcast, Alchemising Education. I am Jodi from QuantiMama. And I'm Kerri from QuantiMama. Thanks for being with us. Yes. And today, because we were just even riffing on what we're going to title this podcast, I'm feeling like breaking into a bit of Bon Jovi, which is Quanti Kid 4's favourite song to rock out in the car. And basically, he's just like, It's my life. Oh, I love that. That almost makes me want to sing too, Josie, if only I could. Well, I mean, why not? You can. That really hit me then, because just when we introduced the topic really quickly to ourselves, then Nailed it. Well, I mean, Bon Jovi nailed it. He is the poet in this one. So, it's my life. What's Oh my gosh, that is awesome. So, it's about we And I think that in the world we live in now, for both parents, children, every member of society, there is this need to live our life making other people feel happy, safe, proud of us, successful. And it's taking away the opportunity for Yes. And when we relate it back to alchemising education, we're also interested in talking about how Our expectations as parents for our children can actually really throw our kids out because if we do regard them as whole selves that are just pure love beings that have come in with their own set of instructions, with their own hopes and wishes for their own experience, even like at a, you know, subconscious or esoteric level. Then when we put a lot of pressure on what we want for them, which is with the best intentions, it cannot be congruent with what their heart and Absolutely. And it throws them, as you said, it really confuses them. They get these feelings within them. of there's something not right. And then that goes to there's something not right with me, rather than looking at or rather than actually realizing that it's the And Therefore, they get taken away from following I feel like you were really lit up by this topic, or possibly on fire, as you sometimes get. And most of our beautiful Quanti-folks don't often see QuantiMama Kerri on fire, but she Was there something specific that happened or that you observed that It was interesting because I often listen to a lot of things, and people's perspective of it, I kind of go, but I've got a slightly different perspective. And it's not that what they're going through or what they're sharing isn't valid, real, and great to hear. Anyway, I was listening to this open letter the other day of this person who was talking about their child. who had autism and had been diagnosed with autism, and they were reading out loud on their show this letter about just how heartbroken they were around this diagnosis for their child. And I was listening to it, and of course I could feel their pain and their distress and all the rest of it, but it made me just sort of realize that We have such expectations on our child's life and where we want them to be or where we think we want our child to be. And when a curveball gets thrown into the picture, which is happening all the time, all the time, as parents, we suddenly own that as a pain or as a disappointment or as a failing. And it's kind of like, you know, when I was talking to another mum the other day about her autistic boy, and I sort of was talking about, you know, where does all this come from, you know, and what purpose does it serve in humanity? And she basically said that she feels that these kids who are different are here to teach us something. Yeah. And they're here to break down what's not working in society. Yes. And I thought, oh, that is gold. Yes. Because I feel like we have a society which expects kids Now, whoever it is that's driving that in society, let's not go there, but you kind of think, that's not fair on these kids. Yeah. You know, and You know, humans will evolve as humans are meant to evolve, as do animals and all the other beautiful creatures on this planet. And I think we've become unbalanced. And the focus is on what makes society look good and maybe what parents are worried about what makes them look good as parents and are they doing the right thing and are they successful? And we're forgetting about the kids and what they want and what they're here to do. So that's sort of it came from those two conversations or those two things that I was part of. Yeah, it just made me think, we've just got to listen to these kids. These kids have wisdom around how we're meant to evolve and the fact that society is actually not serving It's interesting what you're picking up on there, because I actually think there's even a greater momentum happening at the moment. And that is that kids are coming in, they're getting diagnosed by essentially the old system. I really think we're in a... I mean, I know that there are... some voices out there talking about a new earth and things like that, but there is definitely something shaking shit up out there, right? We feel that in the collective consciousness when we sort of say, is it me? And then you talk to other people and they say, yeah, I'm feeling similar. And so then you kind of go, okay, there's a commonality to this kind of weight or, or, um, like density that you can feel is moving in some way and we don't understand it. And so I wonder if, like, what I notice with kids is that we diagnose them, we as a society diagnose them for our own comfort, for our own understanding, for our own resourcing and for our own needs for permission, right? For say needing help and things like that, right? Or needing an So, all that's going on. But these kids, unless they are in a particularly susceptible space, actually just kind of like ducks, it doesn't stick to them. Like, they have their diagnosis. It seems to be that it's only if they're entrained to embody the label they're gifted that they actually show up in that space. But I see these kids that are labeled as ADHD, autistic, whatever, right? And there's a whole host of reasons as to why that might be the case. It might be that that's their unique expression. It might be that they've actually got heavy metal poisoning, which we just seem to turn a blind eye to in society all the bloody time. I mean, don't eat canned tuna or salmon, but seriously, we really need to look at what we're putting into our kids' bodies. That's a whole other topic. It is. But I just wonder because these kids actually seem to be impervious to it. They're kind of like just doing their thing and then kind of confused when society doesn't embrace who they are, you know, like they get into trouble at school because they're naughty and disruptive. No one again is looking at the fish tank that probably needs a clean or a filter. You know, they're just looking at the fish and trying to make the fish work in that environment. And so I think that there's a lot of what's going on. This consternation seems to be for the parents. Totally. Because all of the framework that we were raised with is dismantling and we don't have a language for it until we hear someone say it and you go, holy shit, that's exactly what's happening. Like all the things that I have been told to count on are no longer available for me. And so what is coming through the cracks? You know, I think about the cracked concrete and the, That's right. So, what is the emergence that's coming through for you when you see these things not fitting? And rather than keep working on our old programs, like as parents, how can we then embrace what's in front of us and perhaps not put so much pressure on Yeah, I think we do put the pressure on ourselves, but we then also put the pressure on our kids to fit in. Sure do. And that's where I think the pain point is for our kids, is that we have this feeling that we're uncomfortable and that maybe we're feeling like we're not succeeding or that we're letting our kids down or that we're not giving them all the opportunities that they deserve or that we want for them. And because we're uncomfortable, we're asking more of our kids. And that is really, you know, it can be very damaging. It can be very damaging to their sense of self. to even trying to connect into what their purpose might be or what they like to do. Like maybe they like to do things that are different to what you like to do or what you think would be good for them. And so therefore, they then shut that down. They push it aside. They decide, oh, maybe that's not the right thing for me. I better do what mum's suggesting or dad's suggesting or auntie or or teachers or whoever in their life. Which is not reflective of their inner truth. Correct. Correct. And that's making the other person feel comfortable. So they shut down what they desperately want to do or what they want to align to, and then that's what they become. Yeah. So then we're basically curating compliant adults in our children. Absolutely. I can't imagine there are many of us out there that had our newborn child in our arms going, I can't wait to condition this human being Oh, you're just in wonderment that actually your uterus grew that and they have 10 fingers and 10 toes and like all this stuff. Amazing. They're amazing just by their existence. Yes, correct. Right? And then somewhere in there, we get hoodwinked into thinking, firstly, we're not qualified for I mean, no one questions their ability to, you know, cook the tomato they grew in their garden. Did you have a horticultural experience with that? Do you have a permaculture background? I mean, you know, do you have any qualifications for that stuff? But for some reason, parenting is like, it goes to the jugular, doesn't it? And we are constantly being told we need external things in order to parent, in order to birth, in order to parent. There was something interesting that came up through that, and of course it's disappeared I did. I suddenly thought about my next meal and went, oh yeah, Yum. That's what fasting does for you, Joads. You're That's what my life is now. I'm fasting intermittently and I'm either hungry or I'm eating. More hangry. Yeah, more hangry. That's right. That's like that small window of transition. Oh Oh my gosh, we've gone right off track. So the parenting in And we see their beauty and we just wish for them to be happy and healthy. Yes. And with so much joy around them. Yes. And then slowly, bit by bit by bit, Yeah. We start to just throw in this little bit of conditioning. Yes. And then that conditioning done through pure love intentions. Guilty your honor. Yes. You know, we then find ourselves starting to push them in the direction that we think we think is best for them. Okay, it came back. Yeah, good. And these I just need you to talk for long enough to get me back on track. So the thing that came through that I think has been a theme we've talked about, we certainly talk a lot about this in Take the Leap in the parenting course that we run, is that, and this is just from observation, right? We don't take action until our kids The fit is hitting the shan, right? So it's getting seriously ugly out there and we have a child that's misbehaving, perhaps now needs medication as in pharmaceuticals, perhaps is having trouble at school or is doing this very destructive behavior, whether it's either self-harming or they're doing destructive behavior with friends and just low vibe stuff that is so out of context of what that baby was like in your arms, right? The thing is that we wait till then, and then we want our kids to listen to us as we try and, as we become aware of reconditioning them back to their whole self and listening to themselves. And at that point we have... eroded trust with that relationship. And that's what I see happening time and time again, is parents are at their wits end going, how on earth do I reach my child? You need to reestablish trust. And it doesn't get to be on your terms, it gets to be on your kids' terms. So if that takes six months of consistently showing up, consistently showing up, then it takes six months. Maybe it takes less time. Maybe you say something and you've got a kid that's receptive to the fact that you are coming from that pure intention space of, okay, I see that we needed to look at the fish tank and not the fish. I've got it now. Soz. bit of a parenting fail there, had a misstep, let's regroup and some kids will come around but some will take time and they need to re-establish trust in their parents. They then need to re-establish trust in society at And then they need to obviously have trust in themselves because they do not have a well-honed inner voice. Like when those kids have been systematically broken down and removed from what their truth is, you know, in terms of that expression. I'm thinking about the kid that, say, is showing up as disruptive in the class. Is he disruptive? I'm thinking he, because my most disruptive child is a boy. But is he disruptive or is he a fish that needs a different fish tank? Or occasionally a little break to a different fish tank, you know? Is the environment that he's in, which is predominantly education in school, So, in the institution, is that meeting his needs? And can it be tweaked in some way? I'm not saying everyone needs to homeschool. No. But I'll tell you right now, we just keep trying to, like, create kids that are not congruent with what their needs are. And then the message is, you're wrong. You're wrong. And then we get to the teenage years and we go, oh. You're not feeling good about yourself. Yeah. Yeah. How come we don't have a good relationship where you can trust me to come and say something or talk about issues that are concerning you as you grow up? Instead, they go to friends who may not be, and not necessarily not qualified, but just not experienced to know how to deal with those issues. And then they look, as you said before, you know, to things outside of their family. Yes. So it's about, it is about understanding the impact of these things on your relationship with your child and where it starts to break down or what are the things that are taking them away Distracting both parent and child away from It is interesting that it would feel, I imagine, just overwhelming as a parent, going, well, where the F do I start? Yeah, totally. But I have to say, some of the small practices we have done in our house, which have become apparent as being very effective, is that I make an effort to engage with my kids. So, one of the things I've done is I've made an effort to find out what their love language is, because I really like Gary Chapman's info on that. I think, you know, I don't want to put people in boxes, but I think actually it's nice insight. It's great insight. And there are five key ways to actually create bonds of affection. So, even if it's not quite right, you'll garner something by making an effort to either spend intentional time with your child to use touch in a loving way. Perhaps they prefer gifts, perhaps they prefer services as in things done for them. And then there's the love languages. Sorry, the words of affirmation. And the words of affirmation, thank you, because Words of affirmation. I always get four out of five. I'm like, 80% is a Words of affirmation. So yeah, that confirmation that in fact, you know, so whatever that might be, it's not about blowing smoke up their derriere. It's about speaking honestly and truthfully. Even if you've got nothing else in that moment, there might be something you can find. But I make an effort just to engage with my kids because I think that even at five minutes, it makes a difference. Just checking in with them makes Just as a way to, if you're not rebuilding trust, you're And it can also, the thing I think about, you know, five minutes in the day is it's actually what we need to be aware of is when it suits Again, it's all, you know, parents have become very good. And again, I'm guilty, whereby you kind of go, well, this suits me better at this time of day, because I'm sort of more switched on or I'm more available. But what I also learned to realize is that there's actually a time that's better for them. Yes. So where is it that you get that really beautiful connection time and it only has to really be 5-10 minutes sometimes if the days are full, but enough for them to know that you are giving them time when they want it. Because I remember when the kids were younger and it's like, you know, I'm usually done after 8 o'clock. I am not a night person. Yeah, I used to clock off too. And they would always say, come and read me a book. And I used to love reading the books, that wasn't a problem. But then they'd want to talk. Yeah. And I remember thinking, OK, this is this is their best time. But I had to really, you know, try and gather up some extra energy and wake myself up because that's when they were ready to connect. Yeah. So it's about recognizing what works for them. Yeah. And this is That's why we make the effort to work for the kids. Yes. Because we're the ones initiating this this reestablishing or That's OK. No, it's fine. I just think it is about focusing on the kids. And within the world that we live in now, there is a lot of focus on parents surviving, parents doing the best that they can, being really busy with trying to juggle so many things that the kids are just... Parents doing the best that they can is Yeah. It just is. Like if we said parents are the experts of their children, that feels very different to parents doing the best, which is essentially someone, again, imposter syndrome of being in there going unqualified, but doing it. I mean, if you're the one that grew the human, you could probably claim rights to being the expert in the human, couldn't you? So what I've found is sometimes I can't work out when the best time of day is so when I like what part of what I've curated is working from home and so I would check in multiple times because it gives me a little break as well and I think there are a lot of people that are in that space of working from home now or perhaps you've just work has adjusted itself to have a different flavor which is again one of the you know, gifts of the Rona time is that we've reimagined how we work and we don't have to compartmentalize all of it. It can be a bit of cross-pollination within that. So there are definitely ways. The other thing that I do, which I know we've talked about before, is We make an effort to parent from a place of consent, and that doesn't mean it's a free for all, lollies for dinner, any of that kind of stuff. We definitely pull the parenting card, but it's far more of this, I guess, to and fro conversation where we get to work out. what's a priority and what's not. And the reason why I say that is that when I'm working on rebuilding trust, I won't rebuild trust by going, no, no, my time is now. Like, it suits me now. It's great that it doesn't suit you and you're in the middle of something. I don't care. We're going to have some quality time. The other thing I've noticed is that you can actually work this in ways that I like dead time that you, or in between time that you wouldn't have counted. Like the car? Yes. The car is a fantastic place Yeah, absolutely. And I think kids feel more comfortable in the car as well, especially because it's not this know, cross the table, looking each other in the eye. Yes, which is very confrontational. Which can be very confrontational. And, you know, yeah, we can do a lot of great dreaming and imagining in the car, so you can sort of just talk about anything. It's a bit of a riff without actually having you know, those eyes on you. So yeah, the car's a terrific place for Well, I mean, it's soothing for me too. One thing I will say that might not actually be obvious to folks out there is we don't have the radio on. We don't have music or radio on. I just take that for granted now. I've worked out that Well, when I paid attention to what was being said on the radio over a couple of years ago, and I was like, holy smokes, this is unrelenting. This brainwashing is unrelenting. So much fear. So much. And so much drivel and nonsense. And I just felt like it was like eating fairy floss. It kind of looks good, but as soon as you put it in your mouth, you're like, this is a terrible idea. It's definitely not good for me. And No, there's a lot of distraction, a lot of noise, isn't there? And I think, you know, as we know, we love a little bit of silence time. Yeah. So, you know, teaching, you know, there's a lot in that, whether it be with the kids in the car and just sitting in silence and staring out the window. Yes. I used to love doing that as a kid. And I know, you know, one of yours is very much like that. You know, when she gets into the car, she just loves to sit there and she goes off to dream fantasy land. And she's got even a mechanism of putting sunglasses on at night where she said it makes it all dark and I get to go into my imagination. I was like, I could not have ever come up with that as a suggestion. What a brilliant way to hack into her. And she just loves it. And then she goes from there. That's her springboard for actually writing her book, which apparently she's writing at some point. I'll get to read it. Maybe I'll get I think that's how that's going to go. Definitely. But yeah, so there's those spaces. It's about knowing where are those good spaces and giving them an opportunity to just try some different things in that space, whether it be just I mean, as we said, the radio is not great. And it's noise, and it's distraction, and the conversations you can have, and the opportunity to sit there in silence. All of those things, whether we be on our own or with our families, are just amazing. I You know, when we're on our own, nobody argues with you or disagrees. That's true. It's 100% consensus on all ideas. Definitely consensus. You know, one thing that I just thought about, which is actually coming in a nice circular fashion, is, you know, good old Bon Jovi and It's My Life. Oh, yes. is that one of the things that we have done to re-establish trust and just build that connection with our kids is when they do want music, we'll only play it from a source rather than the radio, right? So, you know, so you're using one of your streaming apps and then the kids all get to choose songs to cue in there, right? So there's a bit of a collaboration effort, a bit of coordination and sharing. But then the other thing is that we tend to sing as a family, which is very Von Trapp of Take it on the road. Love it. But yeah, I mean, I tried to actually get a video, a surreptitious video. The kids are too savvy these days. I was trying to just film like, I don't know what I was doing. It was like trying to film the side mirror because we were driving, you know, we'd gone on some trip or something and the whole car was just belting out It's My Life. Oh, I love it. The bonding that happened with that was beautiful. It was so good. And I'm like, that's it. You can build trust and reestablish trust Absolutely. And it is that connection time. Yeah. It's just that connection time, whether it be talking, singing, dancing, you know, cooking. Yes. Cooking is another great one. It's a fabulous one because you just get to hear what they And tune in. So I think, you know, just, I mean, what we really want most for our kids is to know who they are. And when it boils down to it, yes. Absolutely. Because otherwise life is a struggle. Yeah. It can be tough. Yeah. And money does not make people happy. It does not. I mean, it definitely makes it easier to be miserable. But it doesn't make you happy. It's not a guarantee. So this idea of wanting success at any cost for your child just doesn't stack up in this world. We need people that are clear with their intentions, speak truthfully, and their word is their bond, and they are good humans. And they feel good in themselves because when they do that, then the community benefits. They're not in lack. They're not looking for someone to prop them up. They get to contribute in a meaningful way. And And I think when you used the word before collaboration, that is so powerful because when we teach our kids collaboration, they then go out into the communities that they form and they learn to do that again with their own communities and show that that's the way forward. That's what brings us joy. Yeah, absolutely. That's what brings us connection. So yeah, collaboration is another really big one. So we don't have to make all the decisions for the kids. And, you know, I had a conversation the other day with my daughter who we're just talking about you know, where parents sort of step in and start taking control over their kids. Yeah. And, you know, she's got so much wisdom to share as well. But as a 20-year-old, she said, oh, yeah, it really depends on the child. Like, it's not even age prescriptive. Like, just because they're 14, they can still actually be in a place where they can make their own decisions. But we sometimes think as parents that, Well, we're the parent, they're only a 14-year-old, so we make the decisions for them. And it really does depend on the child. It depends on the personality, depends on their position, and depends on what you're trying to gift them as, you know, a lesson in life, you know. There are some things you can actually let them take control over and go, You know what, you've got this kid, you make the decision. You find out what it feels like. And we invest that trust. And that comes back to the trust, is that they then know that they're being trusted with that decision, because that then gives them power for life beyond That's right. And I, and I'm even okay, you know, if you use the example of climbing up a tree, I'm okay with them falling down. I do not want them hurt, but I also accept the fact that what is the point of having a life that is lived through someone else's decision making? Like the kids are not here for that. They're here for the balls and all. They want to have scraps. They want to find out about physics. They want to understand boundaries. They want to understand boundaries. They actually want to find out about all the edges and all those things so that they can actually, you know, make informed decision making going forward. And every time we arrest that from them, we Absolutely. Because then when do they get to do that confidently, trusting in themselves when they do leave the family home? Well, baby bird leaves the home and makes big decisions that you're like, why do they make that decision? It's like, because they've never exercised their own decision-making. So if your kids are under 18, empower them to make their own decisions and be prepared to hold space if it, you know, goes tits up because they need that as well. And, you know, sometimes it helps to talk it through and sometimes they just are ready to, you know, they're a bull at the gates and they want to have a crack and you need to let them find out. And that's okay as well. And sometimes they succeed. Yes. And they defy our expectations of what we think was going Correct. And that's why not stepping in their way is so important. Give them that power, help them build that resilience, help them find that truth and the trust and the intuition within themselves. That's Aho. Beautiful Quantifolks. Another How lucky are we? Oh, we love it. We love it. And we just we hope that these conversations really resonate for you as much as they do for us. Because we see that there's a lot of a lot of gold in some of these messages. We hope that some parent or whoever's listening in can just go, yeah, let's just keep that in mind and let's just keep being there and turning up for And they are gifted from our heart with no expectation of reciprocity. So if it doesn't resonate, no worries, move on, leave it. Maybe it's for someone else. It's completely fine, it's not prescriptive. But these things must be talked about because our kids are here for the new times and it is our job to drop the shit and invest in them and what the vision is with them so that we can move out of this place of control and, you know, corralling that seems to happen that we have been so conditioned to, that we then have to get to our 40s and 50s and go on retreats to unlearn. I mean, seriously. Retreats are great, but seriously, let's put them out of business. There's cheaper ways of doing it, surely. Yeah, like just learn from the start. Yeah, totally. Beautiful Quantifolk, a joy to be with you. Until next time, stay well. See you soon. Hey, Quantifolks. You know, the conversations that we have about alchemising education are underpinned by our amazing Take the Leap course for parents, which is all about de-schooling the parents. If you're keen to deep dive more, then check out the quantamama.com website and find the Take the Leap course. This course is beautiful because it will give you an opportunity to examine where your programs are, where you're creating, limiting beliefs and expectations for your child. And it ultimately frees you to be the best advocate for your child that you can be. And that's all of us can ever want for our children. Just to love, nurture and watch them become the most incredible individuals that we already know them to be. For