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Codependency in Families | Dr. Frieda | MomCave LIVE

• Jennifer Weedon MomCave / Dr. Frieda

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Hey MomCave Live listeners, get ready for a dose of wisdom wrapped in laughter as we welcome the incredible Dr. Frieda Birnbaum to the mic! Today, she's breaking down the nitty-gritty of coping with codependency, turning therapy into a comedy party where self-discovery meets giggles. So, buckle up for a rollercoaster of insights, laughs, and aha moments with the one and only Dr. Frieda, because who says unraveling emotional knots can't be a blast?

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Transcript:

Jen: 
Welcome to MomCave LIVE where we may have lost our minds, but we haven't lost our senses of humor. And we haven't learned how to use technology as much as we should. I'm Jen and our guest tonight is Dr. Frieda. There she is. Hey, Dr. Frieda.

Dr. Frieda: 
Hi, welcome. And I'm telling you I love your introduction, because it really takes me away. I love it. It's such a it's such a great scene and everybody gets together and argues and has conflict. And then they go and they're like the perfect little family. You know, we've

Jen: 
Well, it's just because if you hear that, I slammed the door, the mom slams the door because she can't take anymore. We go in our mom cave. And sometimes that's the only way to get any quiet. Right.

Dr. Frieda: 
A mom cave So that needs to be part of the housing theme.

Jen: 
Right definitely. If you all haven't met Dr. Frieda, before she was on a previous episode we did which is fascinating. Because she's known as the oldest woman in America to have given birth to twins at age 60. So your superhero first of all, yeah....



To read more visit: https://www.momcavetv.com/codependency-how-to-cope-dr-frieda-momcave-live/

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Welcome to MomCave LIVE where we may have lost our minds, but we haven't lost our senses of humor. And we haven't learned how to use technology as much as we should. I'm Jen and our guest tonight is Dr. Frieda. There she is. Hey, Dr. Frieda.

Dr. Frieda:

Hi, welcome. And I'm telling you I love your introduction, because it really takes me away. I love it. It's such a it's such a great scene and everybody gets together and argues and has conflict. And then they go and they're like the perfect little family. You know, we've

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Well, it's just because if you hear that, I slammed the door, the mom slams the door because she can't take anymore. We go in our mom cave. And sometimes that's the only way to get any quiet. Right.

Dr. Frieda:

A mom cave So that needs to be part of the housing theme.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Right definitely. If you all haven't met Dr. Frieda, before she was on a previous episode we did which is fascinating. Because she's known as the oldest woman in America to have given birth to twins at age 60. So your superhero first of all, yeah. But that's not we're going to talk about tonight. So go find that if you want to hear about that. But tonight in her capacity as a therapist, a psychoanalyst, Dr. Frieda is going to help us out on the issue of family dysfunction, which we all have in codependency. So, first question. It's a really simple question. I've always heard this term codependent, what the heck does that actually mean?

Dr. Frieda:

You know I hate to say this, because most of us are codependent on someone and it gets us into trouble. Because then we complain that we're being controlled. No, we're starting it. We're asking more, especially women, I want you to tell me what to do. What do you think what, and then they complain, I'm getting a divorce, you're controlling too much, I can't say, well in fact, you started it. So we need to be responsible for our behavior. But basically, what it means is that you don't have boundaries that you feel you have to be responsible for somebody else. And again, we're going back to gender identification. It all starts when you're a child, we can blame everything on our parents and not take responsibility, which in a way

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

It's all their fault. I think it's all their fault.

Dr. Frieda:

It's all their fault. But you know, today we can't even blame our mothers anymore, because they're saying that fathers are the ones that children really role model after not the mother's so therapy needs to change. Stop blaming your mothers come in and blame your father's

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Yes. But once you become a parent, then you have a little more. I least I do. I'm like, Oh, I'm gonna stop blaming them, because somebody's gonna be blaming me eventually.

Dr. Frieda:

Oh, yes. But you know, the healthy part. And then we'll get back to the topic is that it is healthy to blame your parents while you're with your parents. So teenage rebellion is actually good for you. Because otherwise you do end up going to therapy because you have repressed emotions. So my twins will not need therapy, I assure you,

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Neither will the 13 year old stomping around upstairs at any moment.

Dr. Frieda:

I love it that's being in a natural environment.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Okay

Dr. Frieda:

So we're getting back to codependency

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Yes.

Dr. Frieda:

And what what is it all about? And I was saying there's a lot of gender ID the way a young girl has been brought up more in the past to serve. And then she grows up as an adult and she serves. And a young boy is taught to go out into the world and to prove himself. So he's not as dependent as this girl who's saying here, am I good enough I'm doing this I'm doing that I'm serving. Today, hopefully, research has shown that when fathers look at their young girls, or not, when they're achieving puberty and getting this attention, sexual attention, and supports their athletic abilities, tennis, their grades and math and in school, then we won't have this codependency issue as much, basically with women and you know, 60% of students guess what, in college are females. So that's a Yeah, so that's really changing. So as women are more educated, have more higher status careers, they're going to be more independent, and relationships will be equal. So we're brought up to feel guilty. We're brought up to feel that God forbid if we do anything, that if the person is going to fall apart and die without us. Then the other stage of it is there's this red flag that these people manipulate like you to take care of them. So, you know, the topic lately has been gaslighting, and, you know, with therapy, whatever. And these people gaslight you, they're not they're narcissistic and they want you to take care of them then wants to be selfless, selfless, so they're not so innocent in this. And we all find our familiar territory. So we often marry someone, we ended up with somebody similar to who we had as an opposite sex parent. And we said, Okay, I couldn't do anything about that, then I was a child, they with authority, now, here's my chance, I'm going to do it. So then we repeat the same thing, we're stuck with the same thing again, and we don't know how to get out of it. Because we feel that something horrible, if we're not responsible, and take over that that person is not capable of doing it. So we lose our sense of self, our self esteem, we lose our direction of who we want to be what we want to be, I'm looking at myself, Wow, what a mess. But you know, they say, basically, that's really, that that really defines what you are, who you are. So don't pick a partner that you're going to try to fix and make up for what you didn't have as a child. And that's something so common, and we do it on an unconscious level. And we spend the rest of our lives trying to make that difference with that person would never ask for it. And I blame them for all the things that happened to us before, who they had no idea about.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

And they're doing the same to us. So it's just a big mess.

Dr. Frieda:

That's true. You know, who you are, at the end of the day, you're trying to unwind, complain about whatever's going on. And then you're caught, as you saying, in this web, of back and forth of this familiar feeling. That's not that dysfunctional, but comfortable for you. Comfort and dysfunction, because it goes back to something that you know that there's a fit for you. And often if somebody has it all going and is emotionally healthy, you may feel threatened, that you won't be good enough that that person is more evolved than us in a better place than you won't want to take you along. And so, as you said, it's this web and that other person that actually keeps you in bondage, which means that they don't remember when they're acting out. They don't remember when they're doing anything selfish, they won't go to therapy, because of course, they don't want to change, why would they want to go to therapy. And so all this, you're the one that's making it up, it's your problem. But after a while, people say you don't, you're not just the same, you don't look the same, you don't act the same, and you lose concept of who you are, and your friends and you're relatives, because the person you're with does not really want you to be with your friends and relatives, because then they can't manipulate you the same way. So you're caught here. And it's very, very scary when you're in this situation. Because guess what, you end up finding somebody like that again. And then you wonder, why is it I meet the wrong people all the time. And you can't be with somebody, if you feel that that person is going to be all of you, because that person knows that and takes advantage of it. Because you're very needy, if you're with somebody who is part of you, because you already have your life going, you're ready accomplished, you're ready in a good place. If you find you know that when you're in a good place, everybody wants to be part of you. If you need somebody, when you really need somebody, then they back off. Just when you really need them, then you don't get what you really want. So this is you know, the rules of life, we do this in such a way that is not, we don't think through just acting acting it through. So you need to start with a place of yourself, always a place of youth finding out and the little time you spent on you, you'll see that you're making much more of a difference, and you'll be less codependent and another person.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

So you made the great point that of course, what would solve everything is if we didn't choose this person in the first place. But assuming we did choose a person that we have this unhealthy relationship with and we're not wanting to not be around that person. What can we do?

Dr. Frieda:

You know, this is very difficult to do because when you're so committed to this role model, it's like losing a sense of yourself. It's like saying, I am not going to identify with who I've been all my life. And that's very scary. Will you be dropped, will you be alone, the rest of your life would nobody want you because you're not going to be true to the image that you've been set up to be. So that dependency issue becomes something that gets you stuck. Now, the only way to really do that is to, it's like taking a plunge a cold plunge, and to go cold turkey and say, Okay, I'm going to do this, it's going to be painful, I'm not going to be happy. And I'm really going to want to go back to that other place automatically. It's like, hold me back, because I'm coming through again, don't do that, don't go over there. And after a while, you'll start feeling what it is like to feel healthy. Because the problem is these people don't know what the basic core feeling of healthy is anyway. So they're just used to that. And once they get that sense of what that means, then they start looking for someone who is more like that person, they become a relationship. And, you know, we're talking about codependency, not only in a relationship, but we're talking about codependency at work as well, you have to be careful that the people that you are, you know, socializing with, they don't know too much about you not to be too vulnerable. Because you wouldn't have a powerful image. You want people to listen to you. If they hear your weak point, they're gonna walk away, you're going to forget what you said, they're going to remember everything. So be very careful about friendships at work, don't, you know, muddle the line? What your responsibilities are, because after a while, when responsibilities are set up, and you say, Oh, well, what's good for you and what isn't, you want to have what makes you happy, you'll be left in the dark, you'll have resentment. And that business relationship will also be affected and dwindle because of it. So you have to really know where to set boundaries for work as well. Yeah. And so well, we've talked about romantic relationships. We've talked about work relationships, what about parent child relationships? How do you navigate a sort of codependent, parent-child relationship? That's very difficult, because you have to think about what does it mean to be a good parent? Do you have qualities where the child is the one that tells you what they need? And go ahead and follow through? Or should you be a helicopter parent authoritative and make all the decisions and I'm the one in charge and the bottom line is me. But the healthiest way to be is to have the child be supported for what they want, and direct it in a healthy manner. So creates independence, not codependency where that child has confidence and making decisions. Because the scary part is if they don't, other people will be making it for them. That's not necessarily a good thing. So that's really for codependency to have an independent child. Actually, helicopter parenting makes a very dependent child.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Yes

Dr. Frieda:

Because the child can't do anything, you know, reminds me when my kids were in elementary school, and they had to do some kind of board billboard or something of something that looked the whole thing looked great. It looked horrible. But they did it. I took it to school. And I said, God, will they even know what this is? And then everybody's, everybody came with something like a professional artist did it? And I guess they did hire professional artists? I can't believe is that because these parents were competing against each other? So how are these kids going to do any

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Right?

Dr. Frieda:

How are these kids going to learn anything or grow? Because that's what when we overdo it. So you can't just say it's all yours, because that's really lazy parenting. But I liked what I was listening to, that they're screaming and the husband saying and all the dogs barking, and all that stuff. But you know what I like about the beginning of your segment, believe it or not, is it everybody has a voice? Everybody's ah think about it

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

We have some loud voices in this family.

Dr. Frieda:

We think about this, you know, perfect family, you know, there's a problem brewing under there if there's a perfect family, because life has issues. And there's always going to be something somebody said something something happened, you didn't do well, whatever that is that we get bothered about that we forget about anyway. So I love that because that's a slice of life. And when you can be that person and speak up, then there aren't codependency issues, because everybody has a voice, no matter how difficult it is now my son when he was fixing this That's a good thing. You didn't hear what he was saying. I said, You better watch what you're saying. I hear you. They're really gonna think I'm incompetent with this stuff, which I am. So, you know, it's like,

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Even an expert has parenting struggles,

Dr. Frieda:

are you kidding me? When they come to my office? He will tell them, why are you coming to see her she doesn't know what she's doing. So he speaks up. But you know, it all comes trickles back to who you are, and how you integrate what's happening to you, and knowing the truth about it. And so when we get to codependency, it's, it's really about having the ability to give through your own wisdom, through your own knowledge, and then people will really grow. But if you give, because of their need and neediness, their victimization, their inadequacies, how far can you really go, you're starting very, very low. And then what happens with that the relationship becomes one where that Vic so called victim makes you more of a victim, because you're prey to what it is. They're neat. They're the ones that are getting taken care of. And you're left alone, and you're not the one. So don't think, because if you're codependent and you're giving because you feel guilty or fear of something's happening to that person. Don't think that you're doing anything that that person really needs you for. What you're really doing is stripping yourself up having up speaking of stripping yourself, I told my husband I have a show now this

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

And he doesn't silence the phone never.

Dr. Frieda:

Is this smart or what?

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

That's quite okay. Okay, we're

Dr. Frieda:

We've been married for a long time this is it. It's over.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Okay, I was gonna ask you how do you know when it's over? It's when the phone rings and you're on a zoom

Dr. Frieda:

Phone rings. When you know that you know when you have. It's interesting, because I love what I do. And the reason what are the reasons I love it, because he will not bother me. I'm on this show. I'm on a podcast. I'm on the radio leave. Wow, he goes, I'm finally heard.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

How long have you been married? Dr. Frieda?

Dr. Frieda:

How long? Do you think I've been married? And don't look at the way I looked at it. Oh my god, all these a lotta work

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

30 years? 50? Oh, my goodness. That's a whole other topic. 50 years.

Dr. Frieda:

That's another topic.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

That's amazing.

Dr. Frieda:

Thats another live

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Yeah, but

Dr. Frieda:

Guess what? I'm going to interrupt you

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Yes.

Dr. Frieda:

If you keep growing, and you keep changing, because that's what life should be. Otherwise, what do the years mean anyway? It's like a drop in the bucket. It's like

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Really

Dr. Frieda:

Because you keep evolving, and you keep changing. I'm not the same person he met.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

No

Dr. Frieda:

When I was in my 20s.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Yeah, I made a tictok once, and a lot of people disagreed with it. I've been married 20 years now. And I said, No,

Dr. Frieda:

Think of me and don't be afraid of that number

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Okay. But you know how people will say, Well, we're breaking up because we're not the same people anymore. And I'm like, How can you be if you meet someone, when you're one age, and it's 20 years later, you better be different people. And that's the challenge is learning how to keep being different people together. It's that's the tough part.

Dr. Frieda:

Do you know the truth is that the double standards of 50s and 60s, maybe even were very boring. And men had their own separate life. They were unfaithful, they were bored. Because women stayed at home and waited for the man to come home and bring excitement. So who wants to be with somebody who's waiting for you to bring something you want somebody to share the excitement, it's two people bringing joy together than one person being responsible. So it really wasn't great for the man either, that the man had the responsibility, not only financially, but to keep everything afloat, to make good decisions. Even if a child wasn't behaving, they would say, I'm going to tell your dad, I'm going to tell your father, when he comes home watch, the poor guy had to do everything. And then on top of that, we blame them for everything too was all their faults. So you know, when we're looking at really how men and women behave, and what a healthy relationship is, you need to change. It's the opposite of what your friend said, you need to change to make it exciting. And you need to sometimes even take turns when one partner is doing something. I put my husband through law school and we were married. He helped me with my career after that after he became an attorney, because at my time, it was you know, when are you having children or not? What are you doing?

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Right?

Dr. Frieda:

You my father and mother would say when you marry somebody that's when you'll have a life till then no life no nothing. It depends what your husband does. So you know, but I was jealous. I said, What about me? I'm going to stay home. And I remember one scene I'm home. And I'm, I have the baby, my first child. And with the food in the jar, baby food.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Yeah.

Dr. Frieda:

And he has a three piece suit on, he's wearing his out to shake case, ready to go to work, and I'm jealous. You know, I'm eating baby food. Well, he's going to have lunch with his friends and have a good time. So I said, Wait a minute. This has to stop. I'm gonna go in a whole different direction. And which I did, I'm happy. But I wasn't called to get back into it.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Right?

Dr. Frieda:

Unraveling stuff. I wasn't codependent. And I wasn't looking to be liked by him. I said to myself, I have to have a life. If he fits into it. Rather than me fitting into his life, then this has a chance. And ever since that has been fitting into my life, with everything I've been doing, and proud and supportive. And so it's fun. It's really a lot of fun. Because you can't be threatened what the other person's doing. Now I'm thinking of a show idea.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

That's another one we've got to work on. Well, it sounds like you you've you found a way to make make yourself happy while still being a great mom and still being you know, a partner. That could be negosh. It's about negotiation. I feel a lot of negotiation in marriage.

Dr. Frieda:

For sure. We're selfish. We have to have it all. You know, we're not greedy. It's just that if you don't have one another part is missing. I'll let you talk.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

That's true. No, I could talk to you all night. But of course I hear running around teenager upstairs. Some. I want everybody to check out Dr. Freda. She has her own podcast. She's written a bunch of a couple of books, which I put in the comments. And we're gonna have to talk again, because you always have such interesting insights. You can continue to leave comments.

Dr. Frieda:

Next time. I promise you.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

No worries. Thank you so much. Have a great night.

Dr. Frieda:

My pleasure. Always a pleasure seeing you. You look fabulous by the way.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Thanks you too. Bye. Bye. Bye, everybody.