*Trigger Warning" A Heartfelt Discussion About The Loss of Losing Your Mom With Kathy Wyber

In this podcast, I had the pleasure of interviewing Kathy Wyber.

Biography

Kathy is a heart-centered educator, coach, speaker, and facilitator with a strong belief in the ripple effect, that is we can change the world by changing ourselves. Her core values of love, service, growth, courage, and joy flow through her commitment and dedication to supporting individuals, teams, families, and children to their best version of themselves.

Kathy believes that the mind is our most powerful asset and when we can understand our thinking, we can take control of our life and when we take control of our life, actions and thoughts we can have the ultimate personal power of influencing others and creating a more peaceful world. Her passion is to help others live their own version of an extraordinary.

Key Takeaways


Contact Information

Website

https://mindsettoinspire.net 

Facebook

https://www.facebook.com/MindsettoInspire 

Instagram

https://www.instagram.com/mindsettoinspire/

LinkedIn

https://www.linkedin.com/in/kathy-wyber-2baa85133/ 

Transcript

SUMMARY KEYWORDS

child, mom, life, people, husband, beliefs, called, decision, grew, years, speak, inaudible, helping, heal, confidant, live, knew, kathy, lots, grief

SPEAKERS

Kathy Wyber, Dr. Tomi Mitchell

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  00:06

Hello everyone. This is your host, Dr. Tomi Mitchell, from the Mental Health and Wellness Show. Today, I have the pleasure of introducing a guest from Sydney, Australia. Her name is Kathy Wyber. She is a heart-centered educator, coach, speaker, and facilitator with a strong belief in the ripple effect. And this is how we can change the world by changing ourselves. Her core values of love, service, growth, courage, and joy flow through her commitment and dedication to supporting individuals, teams, families and children to their best versions of themselves. Kathy believes that the mind is one of the most powerful assets. And when we can understand our thinking, we can take control of our life. And when we take control of our life, actions and thoughts that we have had the ultimate personal power of influencing others and creating a more peaceful world. Her passion is to help others live their own version of an extraordinary life. With no further ado, Kathy, welcome to the show.

Kathy Wyber  01:22

Thank you so much for that wonderful introduction. I really appreciate it. Lovely to be coming to you from Sydney, Australia. I'm excited about our conversation, say lots to talk about.

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  01:35

Definitely, you've had a remarkable career, remarkable life, and remarkable story. And, you know, I believe and so many of our other guests believe it's, it's our story that really helped propel us to where we are today. We didn't just become coaches or decided to get on a stage and talk to others and empower others. Oftentimes, it came from a place of disempowerment, a place of loss, a place of frustration, of hurt, and grief. So, do you mind sharing with our listeners, basically how you came to be, Kathy, we hear today?

Kathy Wyber  02:15

I'd love to. And uhm, look, I trust that today anything that I share, is going to support others in their life. And, of course, these are my personal experiences. I'll start with, interestingly enough, about three years ago, I was invited to speak at an audience of 350 people, I'd never met these people, I knew the organizer. And that was all. And she knew a little bit about my story. And I had never spoken about my life's about my life and what had gone on and brought me to that point. And I really didn't think I had a story which is interesting. I had healed many things that had happened in my life, perhaps traumas, childhood conditioning, previous unhelpful beliefs. And so, when I started to map out the conversation, I couldn't believe what how it mapped out and how it looked. And it was when I went to speak at that audience. And they gave me an hour and I spoke about who I was and how I got to where I was that I realized the power story. I really, I had people come to me and say thank you for sharing your story. And I'd say this because I wouldn't have done that. Except that many things have led me to the point of believing that my own beliefs, my own conditioning was less important than helping other people. Because my belief as a child, I was selected mute for two years as a child was that no one wanted to hear me, I had nothing to say, I needed to hide. And I've found with lots of women, this has been a thing. I'm not sure if you've noticed this for women,

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  04:10

Yes, 

Kathy Wyber  04:11

need it and minimize ourselves. And that hiding mean that I would never have done that. Except that my desire to help others became greater than my fee of judgment, fear of being seen, fear of being heard. And so that, that's, that's why I'm been on this journey and why I do what I do. But many of the things that have happened in my life, including my mother passing away when I was 16, have cancer, have determined who I am today. And for those people who are going through grief at the moment, you, you can't see this. I couldn't see it when I was that age. I couldn't see when I was going through everything at that time. But there is a reason why everything happens. And there is a purpose behind what we go through in life. And it ultimately leads to where we need to be. And, and that's, that's where I am today. So I had that sense of your question because I haven't gone into too much detail, but I'm sure we will as we as we talk.

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  05:25

100%. You know, our experience is powerful. Life happens for us, not to us, take us on a journey. Everything happens for a purpose. Okay. And to believe that, to have that way of thinking is not typical. You know, let's talk about mindset. We have this growth mindset and fixed mindset. And clearly, you have a growth mindset where you're like, Okay, terrible things have happened to me, like, as you said, your mom passing away when you were only 16 years old, and then your ability  to communicate wasn't very good.

Kathy Wyber  06:09

Not at all. It wasn't good at all. So, if I can backtrack a little bit,  I grew up. I grew up in what's called public housing. In Australian housing, we call it Housing Commission. And my mom, uhm, I'm the child of a second marriage. And my mom had two children. My oldest sister is 18 years older than me. My brother is 14 years older than me. And their father passed away when they were very young of melanoma. And my mom, then went to look for a husband because that's what you did. 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  06:14

Yeah. Yeah. 

Kathy Wyber  06:45

She looked for a husband because she needed to support herself. She was seeing a woman bringing up two children. She was also a migrant from Malaysia, my mom's Malaysian. And so she has Margaret from Malaysia and living in a country, where she didn't have any families. So she needed support. And she met my husband, everything was okay. And then during the marriage, she discovered that he was alcohol, an alcoholic, and a schizophrenic or the schizophrenia was because of the alcoholism or the could the alcoholism was medication for schizophrenia, or whatever it was, that she had my sister four years older than me, and then myself, and when she had me, she suffered from terrible, terrible depression for so much so that my eldest sister who was 18 years old, and it came and lived with us for a short time, she'd already moved out to help mom. And,  I. A lot of the things that I've experienced from my life stemmed back to that early time, and the emotions that I felt I was a very placid child and very child that did whatever. My sister still tells me, you're the only child I know that would be looking around, where's Kathy? Or she's gone and put herself to bed. Like I didn't cause any trouble, except that I was very sick. From birth, I was very sick and always hospitalized because of allergies and severe asthma. And so mom did the best she could, she kicked out my house, her, her then husband, my father, when I was six weeks old, because she couldn't. It's just she wanted to protect us as children. And I'm very grateful that she did that. And that she was a strong woman, and you that, living in that type of relationship wasn't going to support her or her children. And so I grew up with a single mom, who was migrant, in house and commission. You know, when the pay came in, we ate baked beans for three nights before. And I say that except I knew I was always loved. And I had everything I needed. Not everything I wanted, with definitely everything I needed. And yeah, I was very fortunate to grow up in such a loved relationship. I was my mother's confidant as well. And now as a parent, I realized and she did, she was absolutely doing the best she could. She lived to quite a traumatic life herself that I wasn't confident in I probably knew things as a child, that I shouldn't have known that we're halfway past my age,

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  09:36

Yeah.

Kathy Wyber  09:36

 but, it was such a, such a close relationship that we had to say yes.

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  09:42

Wellbeing that you didn't really speak a lot. So, you weren't exactly going to spill the beans on her business. (inaudible) She's like, well, it's Kathy.

Kathy Wyber  10:00

Well, the thing is, is I was a really, really shy child. I suppose at home, I wasn't but when I was out and about and also, I spent a lot of time in and out of hospital as a kid, and I was that placid patient that nurses are loved me because you know, I didn't cause a fuss, but I discovered it around. I remember the day, I made the decision of not to talk anymore. Uhm, there were lots of things, lots of chaos going on in our household, as you can imagine a single parent doing the best they could, another sibling who had who was actually going through puberty at that time, and there were lots of things that siblings very similar to our father. And that caused a lot of issues for my mother as well. 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  10:45

Yeah.

Kathy Wyber  10:45

And I decided not to talk anymore. I remember clearly the day I went, no point, there is no point talking anymore. And no one's gonna listen, no, in case I don't, nothing I have to say is your value. And I remember thinking that as an eight year old, and so I chose not to speak for two years. And people go, how did you do that. And I like, actually was just really unfamiliar to say the words bloody-minded as a child.

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  11:13

That's fine. Go ahead.

Kathy Wyber  11:15

I was just this determined, even at that age, you know, I was quiet. But, it was a power and a strength for me to make that decision not to talk, it was the thing that I had control over. And, as in now, as an adult, and having done the work on beliefs, I really am really proud of that eight-year-old self, who made that decision to protect herself from what she felt was a dangerous situation, to be heard. But the thing is, is what happened is because I didn't speak, and I'm not sure if you've experienced this with some of your patients, because I didn't speak, I held in everything. If you can't talk and verbalize, you can't express emotion. And so I spent a lot of time suppressing my emotion. It became very good at just being that neutral, no matter what happened to me, being neutral also kept me safe. And that mean that I got really sick, it leads me being in hospital for six months. Both my lungs collapsed, I was on a no he have charity events for hospitals, children's hospitals, 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  12:34

Yeah.

Kathy Wyber  12:34

but I was the poster child for the charity. You know, they, they put me on stage, took news interviews and everything because I was the poster child for the that's how sick I was. And the thing is that they were one of the things I'm very grateful for, which is nothing I had experienced since or after is they realized there was something going on with this child who didn't speak but was generally happy, that didn't speak. And so they actually spent time as a sub with a psychologist with me. And that was, when I decided that I really loved human behavior. I really had this passion or how come some people succeed in life, regardless of their upbringing, regardless of what happens to them. And I think that, that particular time, I don't remember the psychologist, I don't remember what she said. But I know whatever she helped did, and said to me at that time definitely helped me. As my life progressed, especially in the coming years when my mom came very sick with cancer. So, we were by ourselves, we didn't have anyone to help us. And then, when I was 13, mom was diagnosed with cancer. And so, we spend a lot of time with my sister going back and forth to hospitals. And, we basically grew up that was he didn't have technologies, which I later, later found out when I had my own kids, their teenage years. And like, really? you have the luxury of being the thing to rebel and we do all that teenage stuff. Now didn't happen, didn't have that. We just got on with life and had to pick up the slack when mom was in hospital and was going through treatment. And yeah, so that was three years of I don't remember. Isn't that interesting? Three years of not a lot of remembering as an adult. And so when mom was 68 when I was 16. Mom passed away. I was very fortunate to spend time with her just before she passed and because I was her confidant and people who are listening, if this triggers you, go seek help or now I still get a little bit triggered by it is, she said to me before she passed is, I'm really afraid. Can you come with me and as a 16 year old, and even now, I think that intense feeling that wanting your child to be there, but now as an adult, I look at the reason I was born. And the reason that I came to was mom's decision to need that confidant. I was her happiness. I was born for that purpose. Now, that screws with your head,

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  15:34

Of course.

Kathy Wyber  15:37

Yeah, screws. Absolutely. It just screws with your head. And so, initially, after mom passed, I felt like she just gone to hospital. Not long afterwards, my sister, who is 18 years older than me, she let me come and live with her and her husband and a two year old child because I was only 16. I really wanted to go on to what we call year 11, and 12, which is college. And, and I wanted to become a teacher, I wanted to go to university and and she said, "Okay, I help you with that. Come and live with us." And I'm eternally grateful that she dit, I didn't know her husband didn't know me, that was a whole nother different thing because he himself suffered from mental illness. And he was sort of going into a different environment, I had never lived with a man. I'd lived in the same house for 16 years. I'd never moved but gone to new the same community. And plus, I didn't speak, I still like at that stage I had started playing, but I didn't speak a lot. I was really shy. And I remember, moms' passing wasn't the time, it was a week before, when we found out they've said to us, your mom hasn't got long to leave. And I remember sitting in my bedroom thinking and again, just for anyone who's going through these, please seek help. I remember sitting in a corner, all curled up and thinking, This is it. I've got a decision because I'm now by myself. This is it. No matter what happens, because I didn't have like my father was not on the same. I never seen him. In fact, I saw him once in my entire life. And that was, he came to our house and my sisters said to me quick, come and hide, come and hide. And we had to hide in the house because he was roaming around the house, trying to get in. And she knew who he was that I didn't know, all I knew was this man trying to get into the house. And so, I didn't know anything about that him. So I didn't have. Mom was the only person in my life. And so I'd sat there and thought was it I have to I have a decision is I ended all I decided I'm not going to be shy anymore. And again, was that, I don't know why I chose something within me said you have to start being confident. You have to start doing things that don't make you feel comfortable. And I am sure that the psychologists that I've spoken to when I was 10. All this was now coming up. Yeah. That yeah, I had to make that decision that I wasn't that I was alone, which is another belief that I've since had to work on. And I needed to start to be confident in start going out because I was going to a new school. I was going to new friends. I was going to a new house to people I didn't I didn't know, either know, my sister was she was the sister. She was 18 years old with me. She hadn't lived at home. I had seen her a little bit while mom was sick. But she had her own family. We didn't really know each other. It was my sister, Smalti.

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  19:02

Here's the question, your ,you mentioned in your childhood. You knew you were loved. 

Kathy Wyber  19:07

Yes.

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  19:08

Despite you know, didn't have much but you had love and honest that is the most important thing. Now after and your mom your mom's confidant. And after your mom passed, fulfill the role of love, mother. Did you have that first?

Kathy Wyber  19:27

No, my sister tried. And we still have a wonderful relationship. But she even knew that, I was never going to be like that. It wasn't a mother-daughter relationship. It's interesting. I was being preparing for this. I went through I used to keep a journal, as a 16-year old, as many 16 year olds do. 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  19:48

Yeah. (inaudible)

Kathy Wyber  19:49

It's a hilarious (inaudible). 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  19:51

I hear you.

Kathy Wyber  19:55

It's worthwhile keeping a journal just to go back and look at it. Wow. 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  19:59

Oh, yeah.

Kathy Wyber  19:59

Well, you used to think and but one of the things I did, writing that journal, which I'm amazed actually, when I wrote it was that, this analogy of how I felt about grief at that time, and this is about a year after Martha passed. And in Australia, where the water is a big deal, like going to the beach and being in the ocean is, is a really big deal. Like, beaches are everywhere, especially if you live in Sydney. And I remember that feeling of what it was like. So once, I went out into the water, and I'm actually very good swimmer, being an asthmatic, I'm swimming this sort of thing that we do. And I'm actually a really good swimmer. And I went out, gone out to the ocean this particular day, and I'd caught got caught in a rip, which is takes you out further. And I started to struggle. And I remember the feeling that, this is exactly what it feels like, with grief. 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  21:09

Yeah.

Kathy Wyber  21:10

I remember, when mom passed, it was like someone had taken my heart, out of my chest. And it was just so physical. Like, you know, it was so physical, it was incredible. But the other thing is, is that, it was like being in water, in the ocean, where sometimes ,the waves are really gentle and you just float in them. And other times, it's like it's crashing down on top of you. And initially, in the first year, it's just these waves crashing on top of you. And sometimes, you know, you can't get up for it and you're feeling totally, i mean totally consumed with it. And, and then slowly over time, the waves become gentle, and you start to feel a little more comfortable with every now and then there to teach you you and you sort of struggling a game and and then one day you just one day, you're able to stand on the beach and watch it. And sometimes, you choose to go back in. Because you want to, want to feel feel What's that feel or that emotion that you know you can get out again? 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  22:36

Yeah,

Kathy Wyber  22:37

 Initially you don't. And so I have written about this in my journal, that feeling of what grief felt like to me, and I still have a strong connection to that as having children and raising children without a mother is a big deal. 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  22:55

Yeah. 

Kathy Wyber  22:55

And, you learn so much about how what your mother must have gone through, when you have your own children. 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  23:02

Yeah definitely. A family lives a lot of the experiences and now you're putting yourself in your mother's shoes and seeing her life through that lens of motherhood and that place where you love your child more than breath itself.

Kathy Wyber  23:23

Oh, look, I was really fortunate that at 18, I met my now husband. 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  23:32

Oh nice!

Kathy Wyber  23:33

If by chance and we've been together for 32 years now. And you know, we have four beautiful kids. But we, we decided very early on, that we were a team together in so this was an interesting thing. I was my own team. I was alone in the world. This is it. I'm alone. Anything's gonna happen I need to do it. That was my decision-making. And then, I met my now husband and we were a team against the world

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  24:02

Yeah.

Kathy Wyber  24:02

That we, we didn't have anyone to help us;  his family weren't around and my mom wasn't around, so, we had my first son, God-loving, who is an amazing person, who's a, you know, has a PhD in my biomedical science and works on vaccines here in Australia. He's an amazing to PR.  He was it tough baby-like, oh my goodness, he didn't sleep yet, colic, he had reflux. He didn't develop asthma. He didn't sleep. When we found out we were pregnant with our little child, LF friends where like, Are you idiots? (inaudible) don't you remember your first child who was sick? That was only two years between that we've got it? We've got this. We know what to expect. And she was Angel.

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  24:51

Nice Mel tricky to have the third child.

Kathy Wyber  24:55

Third child was an angel too. We actually went overseas with him. We went lived in China for two years. 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  25:00

Wow!

Kathy Wyber  25:02

My husband and so I had a four to an eight week old. And that's a whole nother story. We don't have time to get into that. And he was just the most easy baby that I have my phone.

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  25:11

Oh, that was it. That was the final birthday.

Kathy Wyber  25:18

And he's amazing too. They're all amazing. 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  25:20

Oh, it was good. 

Kathy Wyber  25:21

I'm very grateful that my life completely changed. And I was, I've just been blessed, absolutely blessed. But then I started and I thought, I thought I'd dealt with it all. I laugh because I decided I'd always been a good listener. People would always come to me, for help and advice. And my husband actually said to me, "I think you should do something with this." When I don't know,  I've been a teacher. I love working with children. I daubing around the beautiful energy and helping them, you know, develop into wonderful little people. He said to me, "I really think you need to do something with this." But then, I also had a friend too. I was her take her off the ledge person.

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  26:16

Oh, you know? 

Kathy Wyber  26:17

Yeah. 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  26:18

Yeah.

Kathy Wyber  26:19

And, you know, I know after the fifth time, I just said to her, Okay, I'm going to go do my life-coaching. Will you be my first client?

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  26:30

Yeah, seriously.

Kathy Wyber  26:33

I can't I see. I cannot do this anymore. I actually, when I was, my kids were growing. And they were, I was still feeding them. I was a counselor of the Australian Breastfeeding Association, or what do you call that in America? relationally. 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  26:48

Yeah, they, yes, they have. 

Kathy Wyber  26:50

Yeah, 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  26:50

yeah.

26:51

And so, I was a counselor with them and helps new moms with, you know, breastfeeding problems, and, and parenting and things. And so I'd had a little bit of a background, people would always come to me, and but I'd said to my friend, that's it. I'm doing this. And she was and she made huge changes. And she's now, doesn't bring me not saying that, she has she's had helping other areas as well. But she doesn't bring me anymore 

Kathy Wyber  27:19

, which is my purpose. But that's when, new layers came up of this belief that I didn't want to be heard, that I developed, as an eight year old, that I had to overcome this now being speaking and having a message and wanting to help other people. I needed to overcome that. And that's where I went, to that speaking of it. And it became the first time that I really talked about my story. And I realized the power of sharing the life experiences so that other people can think I can do that too. I can share,

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  27:19

Nice. Something very beautiful about sharing your story. And you know what, you, life forced you are, you embrace the idea of listening because by not speaking, you're by default, you have to listen. Right? Because the fact is, most people don't do a good job of listening. They talk, but they don't listen.

Kathy Wyber  28:23

No, no, they don't, they don't, and even now, like, I talk a lot, like I'm actually a very talkative person now. But, there's such a power and just being quiet enough to listen to yourself. 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  28:36

Yeah. 

Kathy Wyber  28:37

And feel within yourself, what's going on for you; to be quiet enough; to listen to your partner; to be quiet enough to listen to your children and your friends and family and other people. This is just something so powerful in that stopping and being quiet.

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  28:55

Listening is a very important scale that we all need to work on some more than others. You know, and not just to others, but also to ourselves. What is our, what is our body telling us? What the heart see, that the mind see? There's a conflict.

Kathy Wyber  28:56

Yes, and again, strange view, maybe for some I'm fortunate, I have a body that is very quick to tell me when something's wrong like super quick. I'll get sick, really quickly, when my when my body's goes not. You're not doing that. That is too much. You should because I actually like being busy. 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  29:41

Yeah.

Kathy Wyber  29:41

(inaudible) have traveled overseas with them. I've been built when I was overseas and build a preschool, I'm teaching like, I own a piece two businesses like I like being busy. I actually really like it. But then, my body will say no, you're not doing that; you need to take a break, you need to make time for yourself. And, you know, although it can be a bit of a pain, sometimes physically a pain, as well as mentally, I have learned to acknowledge, through my chronic illness, that my body is protecting me in a good way to remind me to slow down and look after myself.

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  30:26

Yes. And our, all our bodies do this, it's just that, we need to learn those cues. And as we learn them, and then it's we get that, you know, affirmation confirmation that okay, that is the correct answer. That is the correct response. We become more and more in tune with our body. But intuition is real feeling in the gut, my gut feeling?

Kathy Wyber  30:51

Totally. Yeah, an intuition is interesting. I wanted to read somewhere, I can't remember where I'm at my profession to teacher librarian, so I do a lot of read. And this raid reading was that intuition is the culmination of experience so that you can make decisions really quickly.

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  31:12

Yes, I agree. And you've clearly had, you've lived the life, you've lived multiple lives. 

Kathy Wyber  31:20

Yes. 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  31:24

You're not handed to you on a platter with a boat? Oh,  No.  every breath of air, literally.

Kathy Wyber  31:32

Oh, yes. Even to the point of, when I was studying at university, there wasn't a safety net to go to university. So I worked three jobs. I taught swimming, I worked at a place called Harry's Cafe, the wheels and Australian very famous pie, MPs place, you know, two in the morning, and I worked in retail, so that I could, my husband, as well, was doing his cadetship at the same time. So, he worked a full time job and plus when went to university, so we spent, we, we, I don't, I don't think I slept for many years. Because we work so hard to try and get where we've got now. And we have now a beautiful home and been able to support our children to be who they want to be. And, you know, we we both of us, we've worked hard, and it's absolutely worth it. I go back and do it again. And again and again. And just on a side note, the most romantic thing my husband says to me on a daily basis is "hey, do you want to get married and have lots of kids?" 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  32:37

Oh.

Kathy Wyber  32:39

because it's just been a blessing. An absolute blessing.

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  32:47

That's beautiful. And the fact that he wants to marry you.  Yes. (inaudible) Decision, buyer's remorse. 

Kathy Wyber  32:59

Buyer's remorse. Trust me, there's there's times where (inaudible)

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  33:03

we have passion. There's the opposite, right?  Yeah. I thought came to mind, as you mentioned, you know, you met your husband, just two years after your mom passed. And that's pretty remarkable. Um, and then you became parents? Probably, not too long afterwards.

Kathy Wyber  33:27

Yeah. 25,

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  33:29

Okay, 25. What was it like, having a father figure for your children when you didn't have one for yourself?

Kathy Wyber  33:37

Oh, such a great question. You know, really, really interesting. I, I don't I mean, my head a lot, obviously, of make it up,

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  33:52

your feelings?

Kathy Wyber  33:56

Okay, I remember the decision, sort of going out with a couple of guys. And one particular note about typical bad boy. And I went, I don't want that. And then, living with my sister and her partner, and what happened in their family? Yeah, but don't want that either. And I actually went about thinking, I didn't write it down or anything, but I did. I really had a plan of who I was going to marry. But like, I knew, I knew I number one, I always knew. I want to keep like, I was wanting to like Korea. Like I was untrained. Like, I wasn't cool, because I didn't. I didn't want to create. I wanted to have kids like I always wanted to have kids. And so, I knew I loved working with children, which is why I went to teaching. It also would be an opportunity to support my family as well, but I knew I wanted someone, who was University, had gone to university, who's in the same, had the same beliefs as me. I grew up in a very Christian, my mom was Catholic, very strong, very, very strong Catholic. Not that I am now. But that's that was my background with, you know, strong religious beliefs. And I wanted my husband doesn't, he's the opposite. But, we had the same values about who, who we were, what we wanted out, he really wanted a family. We were just this young couple that we knew what we wanted. And because of that we were in the right, I'm not a big believer of this one person out there that's right for you. We just happen to be and he's the same, we happen to be in the same place at the right time, heading in the same direction and wanting the same. 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  35:55

Yeah.

Kathy Wyber  35:57

And so, when, I think the whole idea of the father figure, I knew what I didn't want. And therefore, I knew what I wanted. 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  36:08

Yeah. 

Kathy Wyber  36:09

So, it gave me a really clean slate. Very clean, slate. To go, this is what I want. My mom had lots of delight, because I was her confidant. She talked about everything with me. And so from her experiences, I knew what to do, as well. So, um, yeah, I was fortunate in that way to have this clean slate, knowing what I wanted, you know, husband.

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  36:39

That's good. I believe that's really important to know what you want, and not deviate from those core principles. Because when you do, when you compromise, that's when trouble happens.

Kathy Wyber  36:51

Every single time and I know that, of course, I have done it. And it's that achy feeling. 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  36:57

Yup. Like what were you thinking?

Kathy Wyber  37:01

That in include include grievance that 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  37:04

yeah, 

Kathy Wyber  37:04

so that not being your authentic self. 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  37:07

Yes. 

Kathy Wyber  37:08

And again, you need to listen, 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  37:10

yeah. 

Kathy Wyber  37:12

What did I do? What am I, you know, and when you listen, you know, okay, I made a decision. non human people do it. We do it all the time. I made a decision that wasn't in that aligned with.

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  37:27

best interest. Yeah.

Kathy Wyber  37:29

Yep. And hopefully, you, if you're listening to it, you can do something about it. And not make that decision again.

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  37:39

Yes, 100%. Listen to that intuition. Know that everything in your life is happening for a reason, to take you along the purpose of which you were here. And you can have multiple, many purposes in life, your first one, you felt was being your mom's confidant, being that support person. And then, your next purpose, obviously, being a mother, but also helping others heal and have that transformation that's unique to them. 

Kathy Wyber  38:11

Yes. 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  38:12

because they believe that, because you're helping others and you're using your misery, your sorrow, to help others, that brings purpose to your pain. Because, right? Because if we didn't go to the purpose, and you don't, if you went to the purpose, but they couldn't help anyone, what was the point of going to that?

Kathy Wyber  38:30

Oh, I totally agree. I know that everything that's happened to me, at the time felt really crappy. I'm like, you know, horrible. And you go through that? Why?

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  38:44

Yes. Just normal. that's stages of grief.  Normal.

Kathy Wyber  38:50

And then, you find the well, how do I move through these? 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  38:55

Yeah.

Kathy Wyber  38:57

Hdo I find meaning this? How do I use this? To help others? 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  39:02

Yeah. 

Kathy Wyber  39:04

And even with my parenting because I help parents as well. And, you know, the different things I've been through my children, there's lots of things, the traveling overseas, my relationship with my husband, various different things that have happened in our lives have all been an opportunity to understand myself better, and also to then help others, theirselves and make great choices. I have had this sorry to interrupt you and this wonderful mentor. And he uses this phrase, professional becoming a precious professional adult.

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  39:44

Yes, you are a professional adult.

Kathy Wyber  39:47

So, becoming a professional adult, is you have stuff in your life like, guaranteed. Everyone has stuff in their life, conditioning from childhood beliefs. trauma, everyone. 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  40:02

Yeah.

Kathy Wyber  40:03

varying degrees of intensity, some people so tragic that you can't even imagine. And some people or others doesn't look tragic for them at ease. 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  40:12

Yeah, 

Kathy Wyber  40:13

whatever it is, you all, we all have it. But our job, as adults, is to go back and look at what isn't serving us anymore. My beliefs. My beliefs that I don't want to be heard, did not serve me. And it did not serve anyone else. My belief that I was alone in the world. And even then, when my husband and I got together, that we were alone in the world didn't serve me, especially when I started my business, I had to reach out, I had to seek help, I had to learn from others. But if I didn't go back and look at those things, I would still be living as many people are. And we all are to until we do the work as a seven year old or an eight year old, or a six. Leave those decisions we made the beliefs, we made at that age, because and bringing them into our life now. I look at it like this. When you were five you had this favorite toy. Did you have a favorite toy when you were five? You remembered? 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  41:17

No, honestly, I grew up pretty poor. So, they really have a lot of anything. There was by short don't remember it.

Kathy Wyber  41:29

Yeah, I remember I had something called a baby beyond. Okay. And used to feed it and it cried and poor things. And I carried it everywhere with me, still that thing I want to keep either. I had this baby thing that I carried around it was kind of lifelike, probably scary now. And I kind of look at it like this. Imagine if I was still carrying that around right now as a 55 year-old woman.

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  41:57

Weird.

Kathy Wyber  41:58

little me, but that's what we're doing. We don't heal past traumas when we don't.

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  42:06

Yeah, yes.

Kathy Wyber  42:09

When we don't go back and look at our beliefs. That's what we're doing. We have little toys. So we, things that we had as a child and bringing them into adulthood.

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  42:20

Yes, you nailed it. And I love it. How you mentioned before you talked about a sensitive topic. If this triggers you, please go get help. Right. And I can't stress the importance of that all this trigger warning, I get it. I understand. However, if you're continuously triggered, it means it's healing work that needs to happen. We can't be brushing it under the rug.

Kathy Wyber  42:45

No, it won't heal. You 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  42:48

No.

Kathy Wyber  42:49

it's, need,  your mind and your body is saying pay attention. 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  42:54

Yeah. 

Kathy Wyber  42:56

Yeah. Something's not serving you. 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  43:00

Yeah. 

Kathy Wyber  43:01

Even when, like with kids, if you've got young children and you get triggered by their behavior, it's because something happened to you when you were a child that's now triggering you, isn't it? And you are going to perpetuate those beliefs and those conditioning. Unless, you do something about it. It doesn't matter. You go, go to counseling, go see GP, go see your family, or see a life coach. parenting course.

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  43:28

Yeah,

Kathy Wyber  43:28

There are many ways to condition, past conditioning to heal, overcome limiting beliefs, many ways, but then the thing is, to become a professional at all. You have to do the work. Yes. And I laugh because when I went to do my life coaching, I was like, great. This is awesome. You know why? I don't have to go backwards anymore. It's before it's like. 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  43:29

It's not true.

Kathy Wyber  43:42

You have to go back,  you got to do the chain work Once because in the first month of doing my training, and I'm going to to Timeline Therapy and finding my way, oh my goodness.

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  44:11

Yeah, 

Kathy Wyber  44:11

I've got to go back. 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  44:13

Yeah.

Kathy Wyber  44:15

What's 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  44:18

joke's on you. 

Kathy Wyber  44:21

Yes, definitely. 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  44:25

That's one thing I really enjoyed about my training, was that whole timeline birthright transformational coaching method like NLP, like the whole thing, like it's just, I first healed me. I really took care. And then once, I was healthier and stronger, and I continue on that journey, I can heal others help others.

Kathy Wyber  44:46

Are you, it's a wonderful and a hard journey.

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  44:50

Yeah, for sure.

Kathy Wyber  44:50

That's so worth it. yourself, your family.

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  44:55

my kids 

Kathy Wyber  44:56

around you. That's why I believe in the ripple effect. 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  44:59

Yeah. 

Kathy Wyber  44:59

I can't change the world? 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  45:01

No, 

Kathy Wyber  45:02

I can't. But I can influence the people around me, too. 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  45:07

Yes, 

Kathy Wyber  45:08

I can. I can have a conversation with them. That meansm that they consider something in a different way. 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  45:14

Yes. 

Kathy Wyber  45:15

Spark a change for them. 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  45:18

Yeah. 

Kathy Wyber  45:19

Whatever that is. 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  45:20

Yeah. 

Kathy Wyber  45:21

And that's how I believe we changed the world.

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  45:23

Exactly. I call it the domino effect. Same thing. It's like, they, you help that person who helps their family, their community, their country, their nation, and its extents. So really, you can change the world. If you think about it. 

Kathy Wyber  45:36

Yes.

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  45:37

We all do this football, this tsunami, this like tidal wave, like, just go for it. The welcome. 

Kathy Wyber  45:44

Yeah, 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  45:44

even more, would be a better place.

Kathy Wyber  45:47

Oh, totally. And I think they'd leave it though. There are lots of people out there who are doing this work. 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  45:53

Yes. 

Kathy Wyber  45:54

And I mean, others, and it's fantastic. I support so many people who, who are wanting to start. I mean, if that's. if you, one of the best ways to really understand yourself is to go and find out, from a life coach or from your GP or those seasons and ask a question, the quality of our questions in terms of quality variances. 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  46:17

Yeah. 

Kathy Wyber  46:17

So that so let's, let's ask the question, How can I live my life? fully, completely? 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  46:25

Yeah. 

Kathy Wyber  46:26

Basically,

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  46:27

Exactly. fully, completely, authentically. With no shame and no guilt about it. Just 100% on because like you, my life, nothing good came easy, nothing. I had to work for every thing. And you know what, it was hard. And it still is hard. But moving the needle forward, making the impact, seeing my children, the joy, the love, I can give them, the security that they have, but still failed to teach them about the hard-knock life without having to live it. Right? But they appreciate what they have. And they can, you know, sympathize, empathize with others and be a nice human being. Right? 

Kathy Wyber  47:14

Yes. 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  47:15

So it's beautiful. And to meet, you know, kindred spirits, like yourself beautiful souls who have gone through tragedy, pain, suffering, but you know, what was able to get back up each time you got knocked down and keep on going, Wow, your children are blessed. You are blessed.

Kathy Wyber  47:36

Thank you. I really appreciate that. And, and the same for you. And that's the biggest gift we can do for our kids is to work with ourselves. Not trying to change them, not try to  change them. If perfect, the minute they're born. 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  47:49

Yeah, 

Kathy Wyber  47:50

they're conditioned out of that.

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  47:52

lYeah. You know, by changing ourselves and live it. live in an example, we change them. 

Kathy Wyber  47:56

Yes. 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  47:57

That's all parents try to do they try to force or they manipulate. That's not how it goes. That's not no, not lon- lasting change. That's called lip service. 

Kathy Wyber  48:06

Yes. Yes. Yep.

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  48:09

Is that example?

Kathy Wyber  48:11

Yes. I think, you know, the term is be a gardener, not a carpenter. 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  48:16

Yeah. 

Kathy Wyber  48:17

And build things, gardener. 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  48:20

Call home to them. Yeah. 

Kathy Wyber  48:22

fertilizes the ground, make solid so that you can let them grow as they need to grow, you know, taking out the weeds, going to hinder their growth and renewal. And making sure that they have the opportunity without hindering like, there's still going to get the rain is still going to have storms are gonna get knocked over the sun's can sometimes be too strong. They need to get strength, 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  48:49

They need to grow their roots, they need that. They need to be rooted.

Kathy Wyber  48:53

Yes. And where the gardener's that ensure that we're giving, they're getting everything they need to be able to grow. And it's, it is a it's a big thing for parents to be able to step back and I keep coming back to listening seems to be the theme for this chat today, at least always amazes me what comes out when I talk to people is that being able to listen and notice what's going on for your kids.

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  49:23

Yes. Speaking of that gardening analogy for that saying "the grass is greener where you water it." For you listeners, pour water, fertilize it.

Kathy Wyber  49:37

Yes. invest yourself, in your family. Invest in yourself first. Which is the health and education 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  49:44

Yes.

Kathy Wyber  49:45

 That's always invest in yourself. Yeah,

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  49:50

that's why the during this pandemic and I'm stronger, as a result.

Kathy Wyber  49:54

Yes, yes. I love that.

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  49:58

So yeah, you're awesome. How do our listeners get ahold of you feel like to learn more about what you do?

Kathy Wyber  50:05

Oh, look, there's a couple of different ways. For parents, if you're wanting some parenting help, I run a group called Extraordinary Parenting, uhm, which is a free Facebook group. Back to not. Next Monday, we're actually running our first and I do monthly expert talks. And we're talking to someone who's "Why does my child hate learning so much?" about processing. So, we talk about lots of different topics just like yourself. And then I'm also, I also run a speaker's group called the Authentic Speakers Group. So, if you're wanting to find your voice, and overcome fears of being seen, and speaking, learning to find your own story, and find the strength in doing that, then come join us in the Authentic Speakers Group.

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  51:00

Love it. Well, thank you for sharing. We'll have those links in the show notes. And I know, the website is kind of a gateway to a lot of these resources. So, we'll make sure we'll have that mindset to inspire. We'll Kathy, it is been a pleasure, honestly, chatting with you today, and I know our listeners will receive so much wisdom and benefit from this. So, I know our paths will cross again. So ,I'm going to say, till we meet again. And to our listeners, thank you for sharing this time, this hour, with us. Again, this is Dr. Mitchell, on the Mental Health and Wellness Show. 

Kathy Wyber  51:41

Thank you so much.