Revolution Parenting

Parenting Styles

May 04, 2021 Abby Theuring and Dianne Cassidy Season 1 Episode 1
Revolution Parenting
Parenting Styles
Show Notes Transcript

Welcome to the Parenting Revolution!

Do you know what parenting styles are?

Do you know what your parenting style is?

Listen up as we discuss the different parenting styles, and how that compares to the way we were parented.

If you are a new listener, we would love to hear from you.  Please consider sending us an email
with your suggestions and comments to [email protected]

WE HAVE TRANSCRIPTS!!

Things we talked about:
Parenting styles [1:49]
How Abby found attachment parenting [6:08]
Dianne’s immaculate conception [11:04]
Doing something you wish you hadn’t done [18:59]
The other family [19:28]
Kids need safe adults [21:00]
Healing to be a parent [25:00]

Check out Dianne’s blog here~

https://diannecassidyconsulting.com/milklytheblog/

Here is how you can connect with Dianne and Abby~
 Abby Theuring  https://www.thebadassbreastfeeder.com
 Dianne Cassidy http://www.diannecassidyconsulting.com

Music we use: "High Stakes" by Caffeine Creek Band from www.pixabay.com/music

abby  (00:10):

Welcome to revolution parenting, where connection is the cure. Dianne Cassidy is a lactation consultant and mother of 18 year old twins and a 20 year old. Abby Theuring is a social worker and mother of two children, six and nine years old, the world leads kinder, gentler, and more compassionate adults. It starts at home with how we parent our children. We want to start a parenting revolution.

abby  (00:39):

Welcome to revolution parenting I'm Abby.

dianne (00:42):

I'm Dianne.

abby  (00:43):

And today we're talking about parenting styles.

dianne (00:47):

Yeah. Yeah. Parenting Styles.

abby  (00:49):

Parenting styles are funny because parenting styles are like new, like, like before, like throughout history, people were like, I'm subscribing to this parenting style, right? Like very different had babies and raise them like, um, my, I was talking to my grandma, like when I had Exley, I don't know I was talking to her. So I have this blog, the badass breastfeeder, which, which, uh, initially was supposed to be about breastfeeding. But I really, it was just so much about like my parenting kind of parenting journey. Um, and so like she, when it first started and kind of first started taking off, she was like interested, you know? So she's reading a little bit. And uh, when I saw her, she was like, it's so weird. Cause like we never did this kind of thing. We didn't like talk about like how we were going to raise our kids. We didn't have like parenting styles. We didn't like talk, this just wasn't the conversation. You just like had your kids. And then you raised your kids the way everyone else was raising their kids. Um, and then we had the internet and then everyone sort of writing about stuff. And then, you know, that we have like categories, like attachment parenting and authoritative parenting and.

dianne (02:01):

helicopter parenting.

abby  (02:03):

helicopter parenting. That's like more for teenagers with parenting, with anxiety more than like parenting style.

dianne (02:12):

Great way to describe it- parenting with anxiety,

abby  (02:15):

which is like, totally me. Um, you know, so I don't know. And some people, hate parenting hate labels like that, which, um, I generally do too, except when we're just trying to like, know what we're talking about. Um, but for me, if we want to like share our stories, um, it really helped me because when I, so I was like, Oh yeah, parenting style. So authoritarian parenting, authoritative parenting, permissive parenting un-involved parenting. This is like psychologically abusive.

dianne (02:56):

What does permissive parent like just allowing to do whatever they want. Like, just go ahead,

abby  (03:01):

you set rules, but rarely can force them. You don't give out consequences. You think your child will learn best with little interference from you. Um, so this is a lot of thing where like attachment parenting people will be like attachment parenting is just permissive parenting, which is not true. Um, but anyway, you know, there's all kinds of endless lists of parenting styles, endless ways that you can like check the boxes and decide what kind of parent you are or not. It doesn't matter. Um, you don't have to, the only reason it helped me, it was because, so I had, so I was like a social worker worked with teenagers. And um, when I had got pregnant with Jack, I was like, well, I have been working with kids. I know all about kids. I'm going to be such good parent. Yeah. I'm going to have all these rules and all this, because I worked at a residential treatment facility, which was like very rule oriented, um, you know, very structured. And I was just like, you know, I ate it up. Cause structure was like my, my thing. And then, so I was like, yeah, great. I'm going to be so good at this. And then, um, you know, I had Jack and they handed me this like slimy, alien looking thing. And I was like, well, what am I supposed to do with this? Like what rules don't apply to this thing? How, how, how am I supposed to do this? And so like, everything was totally flipped upside down. And then, you know, you talk to your doctors and you talk to, you know, people around you like family or whatever, and you watch TV and movies. And you know, you think you're being told that like, things are supposed to go a certain way and that you're supposed to raise your kids a certain way. And um, none of it, it all felt really wrong. Like we, we built the nursery, we had the crib in there and all that. And I could just never like put him down in there and leave the room. Like, it just felt really weird. And, you know, we went to the, at one point we were going to this really young pediatrician, which I'm just talking to her, you know, she was like, so he's, so now you can, um, now you can start putting him to sleep in his crib and you know, you can just, so the first night you're going to just like, let them cry for like a minute. And then the second night, you know, for like a couple minutes and I was just looking at her like, huh, I was like, he sleeps in a bassinet next to our bed. And she was like, Oh. And she like, didn't know like what to do with that. And I didn't know what to do with the fact that she didn't know what to do with it. And I was just like, feeling very confused. Cause everyone's like, you're supposed to be doing this to get them to sleep. You're supposed to be putting them down kind of awake. Um, don't make sleepy but awake. Yeah. Yeah. And don't make eye contact. Don't make eye contact with your human baby. Um, because you know, that'll like make them stay awake. Um, and I would try to put him down in this bassinet and rock and he would just not go to sleep. He would just like immediately wake up and then calm down when I was holding him. And I'm like something wrong. Someone gave me this defective baby, because this baby does not do all the things that people are saying he's supposed to do. He doesn't sleep when he's laying over there. He doesn't like, you know, all of these things. And I started looking on the internet about everything, all my breastfeeding problems, all of the, you know, weird sleep stuff. Like you're supposed to put them in the crib. And it was just like, I don't, that felt really weird for me to have him in the other room. And I stumbled like stumbled upon something called attachment parenting. And I was just like reading about it, like, and there was like the seven B's of attachment parenting, like breastfeeding and like sleeping close to baby and baby wearing and responding to their cries. And I was like, this totally feels like exactly, like what I'm feeling, you know, it was totally, it was, it was kind of, it was all the other stuff that felt so wrong. This felt really right to me, it felt like it made a lot of sense. And I just was like, wow, I guess this is who I am. I guess this is what I do, because this is really, and I got very passionate about us, our whole blog about it. And what about on the badass breastfeeder never wrote about breastfeeding, only wrote about attachment parenting and all of these, like things that I was like really excited to like find out about and learn about like breastfeeding and of course, bed sharing, safe co-sleeping and all of these things, which is such a huge topic in and of itself. And then I got really into baby wearing and all the carriers and all this, and then, you know, feeling very feeling very good and positive about responding to my baby's cries and not like, you know, not feeding into this. Like you should just let them cry. They need to learn to be independent. They need to blah, blah, blah. Um, so that was the, that was how I first started really learning about a parent parenting styles was like, you know, when I, when I read about that and I, and I'll say that that functioned for me as a way to feel validated and more confident and empowered really in my parenting journey. And we've been pretty happy with it ever since. And I've got, Jack is, Jack will be 10 in July. And, um, actually we'll be Jack's in his bunk bed, but Exley is, um, he'll be seven in a couple months and he's in bed with me. He ain't going anywhere. Yeah. He looked at me the other night. Oh, there's like a queen mattress and a twin mattress push next to each other. And I was like, I'm just going to try sleeping on this queen mattress that we just paid all this money for this comfortable mattress. And he woke up in the middle of night and he like looks over at me and he's like, mommy, cause I was not on the little twin mattress with him. I was like, Oh my God, okay, I'll come back over here. But we've like just kind of stuck with that. Kind of like letting them, you know, kind of following their interests and responding to them and kind of fostering what I say, fostering what, I'm not the only one who says this. I didn't invent this fostering that dependence at this age, you know, because we believe that there's going to be wonderful payoff later on in life.

dianne (09:15):

I, I really feel like, you know, when I, when I see parents, how many times, I can't even tell you how many times parents have said to me, and two of them just said this to me yesterday. So I'm not lying that when they were before they had their children, they kind of did that whole, Oh, I would never co-sleep I would never bed share. I would never, you know, nurse them past six months. I would never, you know, whatever their thinking is. And then they have their child and it's like, what was I thinking? How could I not have them next to me all the time? Yeah. And it's so funny because they were actually both of these, um, both of these families yesterday that I was talking to had brought up that exact thing about don't make eye contact with your baby, cause you want them to go right back to sleep. Don't it like, how do you not look at your baby when you're feeding them? How do you not do that? How do you just like separate yourself from this little human being that was literally inside your body? I don't understand how you do that.

abby  (10:20):

Yeah. It was just totally and completely dependent on you and only you, your body is their environment. The only environment they know, and to just deny them that.

dianne (10:30):

And I don't, for some reason, our society is like, okay, they're allowed to be dependent on you for this specific amount of time. And then it has to change. And I just don't know why that is. I can't understand that.

abby  (10:47):

Yeah. I mean, your kids are older. Where did, where do, where there like parenting styles and all of this? Cause there wasn't even the internet, the internet is like, so brand new. And I mean, I feel like that's the only way that I found, you know, these resources.

dianne (11:04):

Oh my God, no, our whole thing was fucked up, but it was so I, my kids are, my twins are 18 and my son is 20. Now my 20 year old, that was such a surprise pregnancy that nobody could even believe that it had happened. They thought it was like the frickin, you know, whatever that religious thing is, where you just get pregnant,

abby  (11:31):

immaculate conception.

dianne (11:32):

Yeah. That's exactly what they thought. Everybody thought.

abby  (11:35):

It's like they thought that you were like not having sex or,

dianne (11:38):

well, no. So I was married And we were in the army, you know, I know. So I was married in the army, but I was a distance runner and I hadn't had a period in like three years. So, and I was in the service and I remember my mom being like, well, once you get, and they, even like doctors had told me, you will never have kids. And if you have kids, it's going to really be very hard for you to have them. Like, it is not going to be a simple process for you because I think my, my system was just fucked up. Like it was just, I just didn't, I didn't have a period. Nobody knew why that was like, it was just, you know, I didn't have, I was in the army.

abby  (12:20):

I mean, I understand the difficulty of getting pregnant, pregnant if you're not having a period, but I don't understand why predicting that it was going to be a horrible pregnancy, normal birth and all of this, how that makes any sense.

dianne (12:30):

These are also, you know, there were doctors that didn't know me and my mom was like, well, when you're done in the service, come home and see a doctor that knows, you know, that knows your history and we'll figure it out. And I was like, whatever, but it wasn't necessarily on my radar. Anyway. I was like, Oh, I'm gonna get out of the service and go back to school. Cause that's why I joined the service to begin with was to get college money. So I'm like, I'm going to go back to school and I'm going to do all these things. And we were living away from family and we were kind of nomads were wandering all over the country. My, um, he's not my husband anymore, but he was, he was also in the army. So it was just kind of like, you know, I really wasn't. I was just like, whatever, but I'll, back-burner it. And then just ended up randomly pregnant. Like I had one period, like out of nowhere had a period and then the next month was pregnant.

abby  (13:18):

and that's all it takes.

dianne (13:20):

It was so weird. But I remember like my mom being like, how did this happen? Like it was, we were so shocked that it was just like, Oh my God. You know? So it took me nine months to even process that I was having a kid let alone wonder about my parenting skills or what to do about them. And then we went from, he was born. I don't know that I've ever told you the story. He was born on July 22nd.

abby  (13:53):

That was jack's due date.

dianne (13:53):

Oh really? Oh my God. No kidding. what day was he born?

abby  (13:59):

July 30th.

dianne (14:00):

Oh, okay. So Nathan was actually a week late. He was supposed to be, but then again, I had no period. What were we going off of right now? Like, and then when he was born and my doctor was like, Oh, I think the dates were wrong, really. Okay. Whatever. But it was a week late. We, he was born on July 22nd. My ex-husband had just gotten out of the army, had just been separated from the army. Like that month we had to be out of our house. We were renting a house. We had to be out of that house and done with everything in North Carolina by August 1st. Oh, he was born on July 22nd. So I could care less about anything other than if I have a C-section I'm going to be screwed. Like that was the only thing I could think of was like, I'm going to be screwed if I have a C-section because I won't be able to pack my truck and, you know, do whatever need to be done. And then we came up here, came back home to New York and that was a mess. But we stayed in my parents' house for like six months. So until we bought a house, like my ex husband had to find a job and you know, the whole ordeal, but we stayed with them for about six months until we bought a house here in Rochester. And I mean, that was helpful because I never really had to be alone with the baby, which was good for me because I had no idea how to be alone with a baby, because I had no idea about even having one, you know, so that was helpful. And he had to be in my room because we didn't have a ton of room. Like my mother lived in there, my parents were living in a ranch home. Like it was not like we had this tons of room. So he was in our room and, you know, the whole thing. So by the time we moved into our own house, you know, I mean, it was a small house. And having him in his own room was very, almost like being in our room because the rooms were so small and right on top, on top of each other. But at that point he was six months. So he was like kind of, you know, working into a crib and he was too big for a bassinet and all that stuff. But then I had the twins two years later and which of course, you know, defies everybody because everybody thought I wasn't going to have any kids. And then I pop out two at a time. So I mean, their father and I split up when the twins were like two. So for me, like parenting was never an enjoyable process. And I almost feel cheated because like, it was really, it was hard. I was a single mother during very difficult years of them being, you know, like from age three to like age eight when I remarried, but it was not, I couldn't enjoy it. You know, like I, it was too hard to enjoy the newborn phase because I was a hot mess and had more than one baby at a time who's enjoying that. That's way too hard to do. Yeah. And then during there, you know, like preschool and kindergarten and they're, you know, learning all the cool things of the world stage, I was struggling with being a single mom. So I didn't enjoy that phase at all. And then you get into like the teenage years who enjoys that, that's just hard, you know, like I was constantly worried about if somebody's out doing drugs or is somebody going to end up pregnant? Like, it was just, it was really hard to enjoy and to worry about parenting styles. I was just trying to like, keep my head above water.

abby  (17:35):

Yeah. I feel like that's the majority of the world that, I mean, the fact that like, first of all, just basically a baby having their own room. How privileged is that? How privileged is that? How privileged is that advice? I mean, who lives like that? Right. Like, you know, lots of, you know, a few people, not the majority of the world and never throughout history, have people had big ass houses with bedrooms enough for each kid. Right.

dianne (18:02):

It just didn't work like that. Like, I mean, and you just, you just do what you gotta do. And then you're, you know, you take advice from random people. And like I said, it wasn't the internet, like Google was just becoming a thing. When my kids were born. I did not have time to Like figuring out. I don't think that stuff was out there then. No, it probably wasn't.

abby  (18:20):

I don't even remember what was out there, but not that stuff.

dianne (18:23):

I mean, it was just like, it was hard. I kind of, I followed one of my sister's leads. Well, I followed, you know, two of my sister's leads kind of. Um, but I definitely did parenting things that looking back now because I was not, I was not a maternal child health specialist back then. I was not a lactation consultant back then. Like I just started working in this field when my kids were little and I needed to get a job and it turned into a job, you know, it turned into a life career, but I didn't know any of that stuff, you know? And there's definitely stuff that I did that I wish I hadn't done.

abby  (19:03):

Who doesn't feel that way

dianne (19:05):

Right. I think probably everybody does. Right. Like hopefully I'm not the only one. Yeah,

abby  (19:08):

No, I, if there's anyone out there who feels that way, they're lying to themselves. I don't regret anything about parenting? Bullshit Right. I mean, I regret 50 things I did yesterday, right? Yeah. All the information that I have right now I have right now. And I still act like a shithead a lot of times. God.

dianne (19:28):

So I gotta tell you this, cause it's only happened yesterday. So it's really, so I have one of my twins, you know, he's my 18 year old, one of my 18 year olds. He has this friend from school that he graduated with and his family is a very nice family. And they have like taken my son in, like their own kind of, and they've got, you know, his friend and then two other daughters and they invite him over all the time. So he was there Friday night and they were watching movies. And he was there Saturday night. Mind you, his friend that he graduated with, goes away to college. So they just invite him over. Like, they're just like, he's just another kid there. And he's like, You know, Daniel's family invited me over. Oh, okay. You know, we're watching movies in there. You know, he eats like gourmet food there. Here He won't eat anything but peanut butter. So I'm like, what did I do wrong? Like what have I? And I said To Tom, yesterday, I go, Did we not like, did I not? I feel awful. Like, did I not have enough movie nights? Did we not have enough time together? I mean, like it's like they're his whole other family. And Tom's like, I really think you're looking way too far into this.

abby  (20:42):

Yeah. You know, I think he just likes it over there

dianne (20:48):

Tom's theory is That he likes one of the girls over there.

abby  (20:49):

Oh,

dianne (20:52):

But they're like, they're watching... I go What movie did you watch? We watched Casa Blanca. Do you think that ever came up at our house? No, not every once in our house. Did I say let's watch Casa Blanca as a family,

abby  (21:00):

You know what, one of the things that they say about kids is that kids, you know, more resilient, kids have bigger, um, you know, adults, communities, you know, have connections with more adults around them. And you know, that's so healthy for them to have relationships beyond just what's going on in their house. And especially with adults, you know, safe adults are so, so good for kids to have. And I actually worry about this because my family's far away, you know, we're, we're in these little isolated, you know, you think you're in a big city, so you have a lot of people, but you know, everybody's just on top of each other in their own little box. And so I'm like, you know, I wish that they had more adults that they were close to. It's so good for them.

dianne (21:49):

Yeah. I mean, like, I it's like you know this in theory, but then you're like, okay, did I do something to drive them out?

abby  (21:57):

I Know you feel like jealous and bad.

dianne (21:59):

And we just feel guilty over every little thing that happens. Like as a parent, like you said, you'd feel guilty over 50 different things that happened yesterday.

abby  (22:06):

And we will do a whole episode on guilt, just that,

dianne (22:08):

Oh my gosh, it's just, it's terrible. It's terrible. How much you feel. And then, you know, of course we'll, and we'll have to do an episode on two, like different parenting styles within the same house because their father and I certainly did not parent the same at all, even a little bit. And that's really hard

abby  (22:28):

Comes into play because yeah, because your husband now had kids before I had already raised kids. So kind of already had this idea of what parenting is and would be, and then you're coming from two different. Yeah.

dianne (22:40):

And that was actually, sometimes that's been really helpful because there've been times where I freaked out about stuff and he was like, I went through this with my kid. It's totally normal for their age it's and that was really helpful. Yeah. To kind of have that. And he was, Tom was always really good with being like, okay, they have a father, I don't want to overstep bounds or whatever, you know, but I could kind of bounce stuff off of him and he could be objective. Yeah. But, um, their father, like he did, you know, he did things that I would have, you know, things like, Oh, you didn't eat your dinner to my fussy child. You didn't eat your dinner. So you can't have any, anything else, you know, punishment type of parenting.

abby  (23:19):

We will Do an episode on that too.

dianne (23:21):

Yeah. Which I didn't agree with. So it is, it is really hard because when you get, when you get married or you not even get married, but when you get with a partner and you have a family, you're not like interviewing that partner before you have a kid about what parenting style. Totally.

abby  (23:40):

So, yeah. Cause you don't think about that. And then you, and then you were each raised the way that you were raised. And I think that a lot of times we're parenting kind of in reaction to the way that we were parented or certainly in reaction to trauma that we experienced in our childhood or wherever, not necessarily major trauma, just life trauma. Right. Um, and then yeah, you come from two different places, two different families, two different everything. Yeah. It's like a perfect storm.

dianne (24:05):

It really, and I mean, and you try to, you know, I mean, I tried to definitely do things a little bit differently. Like I came from a family where, you know, there was four girls, I was the youngest and there wasn't a lot of like love necessarily, you know, like my mom was never like lovey-dovey yeah. You know, I love you have a good night, have a good day, lots of kisses. Like I'm constantly kissing on my kids. That's what I love you. I love you, you know, like be good, have a good day, you know, just constantly trying to, you know, encourage them to have a positive life. Right. Whereas I did not grow up in a family like that, where it was like all about the love and all about the positivity. It just wasn't like that growing up. But I wanted, I didn't want to do that to my kids. I mean, my kids have anxiety enough as it is. I mean, I'd imagine if I was like ignoring them. Yeah.

abby  (25:00):

And I mean, this is how you end up parenting. Right. And, and, and maybe this is a different subject too, but like we end up having to process and heal from so much of the stuff that we went through in order to find ourselves, the parent that we want to be, you know, and to truly find the values that we have and to be able to pass those on, because you can't, when you are still suffering from the things, when you are still suffering from like trauma of childhood, you know, it's hard to find your way through that to parent the way that you want to. And I mean, yeah, I think you have to just, you have to go through, you have to go through much of, so much of your own healing in order to get to where you want to be as your own parent, as a parent yourself.

dianne (25:46):

But that is a lot of work to do when you get pregnant by accident,

abby  (25:51):

yeah, yeah. It's a lot of work to do Any way you slice it. It is just a lot of work to do. And many people don't do it. And this is how a lot of cycles kind of continue through generations. Um, but then there's people that choose to do that work and choose to try to move away from, you know, some of the, maybe what people might consider more damaging, whatever parenting things, or just different, you know, you just want to be different. And, um, you can't just decide in your head that you're going to do it. There's a lot of things that need to be healed and changed and processed in order to get there.

dianne (26:27):

Yeah. I mean, it really, even like, I remember even kind of complaining, not complaining, but complaining to my mom when my kids were younger and, Oh, we've got basketball practice tonight and we've got this and I was always tired. I was working my butt off and you know, like trying to manage them by myself most of the week. And um, my mom would be like, you don't have to go to everything, you know, because they didn't, I remember very, very well being at stuff that they'd never showed up at because they were too busy or they had other things where they worked during the week. So you know, that cheerleading tournament that I was in on a Saturday, they couldn't come to because they had too much other stuff to do. Yeah. You know, like, but I would never do that to my kid. You know? Like I remember being hurt by that. So I would never do it to my, and I remember her saying, you don't have to go to everything. It's fine. I'm like, no, that's okay. I'll go.

abby  (27:23):

I know my parents always say stuff like that. And I'm like, I am so deliberately trying to not do exactly what you just told me to do. Like I'm spending my, but I am like working my butt off in therapy. I'm like reading all the books, trying to get to a place where I don't do that exact thing that you just told me to do.

dianne (27:42):

I know it's tempting. Cause we all want to not, you know, like, but I mean, it's just, it's hard. It's hard. So that's why we're here.

abby  (27:54):

That's why we're here. And we also, so tell us what you want us to talk about. Cause this is brand spanking new and we've got empty slots everywhere. So tell us the topics that you want us to talk about. And we will fill the slots with all the things that you want to hear us talk about. I got little kids, Dianne's got, um, older kids. I'm a social worker. I worked with, you know, a lot of families, um, throughout my career. And so has Dianne. And we want to talk about all of the things that you want to hear us talk about.

dianne (28:17):

Yeah. Pertaining to your parenting journey. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (28:23):

Thanks for listening. Thanks. Bye. Thank you for listening. We would love to hear your parenting stories and your topic ideas. You can send us an [email protected]