Sometimes, we get so caught up the hurt, that we don’t realize that our heart is slowly healing itself and putting itself back together in the dark. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel, we just have to be willing to search through the darkness to find the light. Listen to this episode to find out how you can heal from anything and everything you experience.
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What is up you guys, it’s your girl Kayla! & Welcome to the beautifully you podcast! The podcast that will inspire you to live audaciously and unapologetically love yourself. This podcast talks about all things self-lovery, from self-love & self-care to health and wellness, mindset, personal development, and happiness!
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In today’s episode we’re going to be talking about how healing isn’t linear, and I am going to be offering you some gentle reminders that I think everybody needs to hear when they’re in the process of healing.
I wanted to create this episode for you to come to on the days where your heart feels a little heavier and you’re struggling to see through the darkness of what feels like your never-ending healing. I wanted to give you a reason to persevere one more day and know that you’re not alone in this process of healing. During this episode, I want you to write anything down that I say that resonates with you. I want you to use these things as affirmations, in times of adversity when you’re struggling to find strength.
Healing isn’t defined by not having feelings. Growing and changing and healing and becoming your most intentional self does not mean never experiencing pain or heartache or irritation. It doesn’t mean staying centered and grounded and living in good vibes only all the time because that’s just not how the world works. Certainly not how brains work.
Instead, healing means learning and knowing and coming to believe that you, yes you, have the power to come back to center within yourself, for yourself, regardless of what happens. It starts with awareness and with understanding and accepting that healing isn’t linear, and more likely than not, takes a lot of inner work to overcome.
When you experience hurt, whether it be from the ending of a friendship, losing your job, experiencing failure, losing a loved one, letting someone down, or anything in between, it takes a lot of courage, resiliency, and inner strength to rebuild; to pick up pieces of your heart and put them back together. It can be really immobilizing and feel impossible to overcome at times. But I’ve noticed that more times than not, it doesn’t feel like we are healing when we actually are. So, if you find yourself today asking if it will ever get better – it does, and it will, get better.
You have been through so much hardship in your life and have gone through so many things that you don’t deserve. But I need you to realize that these things have never defeated you. You’ve overcome 100% of the struggles that you’ve faced up until today, and I am confident that you will overcome anything and everything that you go through next. Life can seem really unfair sometimes, especially when we can’t see the lessons to be learned or the light at the end of the tunnel. But there is ALWAYS something that we can take away from our adversities, and our hardships are what make us stronger, not weaker.
I want you to think of an experience of extreme hardship that you’ve gone through. I want you to think about how you felt right after it happened, and how immobilized and defeated it made you feel. I want you to think about the anger, hatred, and despair that you felt days, weeks, months and maybe even years after it happened. I want you to think about how you fell out of faith in God, or life, or meaning, or purpose or fate. And I want you to think about how you didn’t think that you were ever going to be able to overcome this hardship, and I want you to think about how you thought this hurt would be your new reality. Now, I want you to rewrite your story, and think about all of the things that have happened in your life since this hardship, that contradict your mindset when you were mourning.
I lost my virginity to a partner that sexually assaulted me. For so long I dismissed my hurt and invalidated my feelings. I suppressed my feelings for years to hide my guilt, shame, and embarrassment. I didn’t think I was worthy or love, or capable of loving another person, because I had been told by my past partner for so long that I was incapable of happiness. I was ashamed of my story; my experience and I became silenced by my adversity because I saw vulnerability as a weakness, instead of a strength from years of conditioning. Eventually, it all caught up to me, and years down the road I began the process of healing after another boyfriend of mine that I thought I was going to marry, cheated on me. Now, I’m with a partner that unconditionally loves me for me, and has shown me more patience, tenderness, and love than anyone that I have ever been with.
Sometimes, we get so caught up the hurt, that we don’t realize that our heart is slowly healing itself and putting itself back together in the dark. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel, we just have to be willing to search through the darkness to find the light.
Sometimes we think that healing has to look a certain way and feel a certain way; that it has to be done within a specific amount of time and have specific checkpoints along the way… but you can’t rush or force your healing… it has to happen on its own, and express itself in whatever way it needs to, for you to truly heal. You can’t push yourself to be okay when you’re not ready, and you can’t push yourself to be okay if you haven’t come to terms with your experience or learned that you’ll persevere, despite what happened to you. You have to learn to heal on your own terms, and on your own timeline.
There are 5 typical stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. But not everybody goes through every single one of these stages, and sometimes the stages aren’t even done in order while someone is healing. So, this just goes to show that healing is such a subjective experience, and it doesn’t look the same for any two people.
It can be easy at times for us to vilify our process of healing. We feel guilty and ashamed of ourselves if we think we haven’t moved on quickly enough; become angered when we continue to be upset by our experience’s weeks, months and sometimes years later; or invalidate our healing all together and suppress our emotions to avoid feeling the grief; when, our hearts just need a little more time to heal. These are all normal experiences!
I want to remind you that healing isn’t linear. Some days will be better than others, and some days it will feel like the walls are caving in around you. But the goal to healing, isn’t to eliminate the hurt, it’s to find acceptance within the hurt. It’s about feeling it all, embracing it all, sitting with the discomfort just a little more each time it arises, and learning to accept that being human comes with suffering. Recognizing there is no yin without the yang, no light without the dark, no stepping into your brightest light without getting to know your shadow, and no happy times if you don’t let yourself feel the crappyness of life, which is completely uncomfortable, but is also so necessary.
It's so crucial for you to sit with your hurt and allow yourself to feel the discomfort completely. Let it wash over you and allow yourself to process your emotions. So many people confuse ruminating with processing, but when we allow ourselves to give our full attention to our feelings, it empowers resiliency… and this is what allows us to heal, resiliency. Without processing the things that we go through and allowing ourselves to fully feel how these experiences have negatively affected us, we supress these emotions, and these things then become hidden from our consciousness, which disables us from healing these wounds. With these things being hidden from our consciousness, they cause maladaptive shifts in our beliefs, and we become unaware of how these things negatively affect us.
I’ll give you an example because this can be pretty complex to understand unless it’s broken down a bit. So, I had an ex-boyfriend who was an alcoholic, and at the end of our relationship he dragged me across the floor when he was extremely intoxicated. This then caused an impenetrable fear of a partner laying their hands on me, but I was unconscious of this fear! And until I was able to bring this experience into my consciousness and allow myself to reflect on this situation and how it made me feel, I wasn’t able to overcome it, and it negatively affected every single one of my relationships up until that point of my ability to surrender to healing.
If you’re healing right now, you have to learn how to forgive yourself. You have to learn that nobody expects you to be perfect, even though you may believe that people do. I hope you forgive yourself for staying longer than you know you should have, for allowing your boundaries to be crossed time and time again, for being mistreated for so long, for loving someone who could not see your worth, for not seeing the red flags or for being so naïve. I hope you learn to forgive yourself for the mistakes you’ve made while learning to grow and love yourself. These mistakes don’t define who you are, they were just a lesson you learned along the way to finding your purpose.
Nobody will ever fully understand your healing and the process that it takes for you to overcome your adversities. Some people won’t understand why you can’t “just move on”, or “look on the bright side” or “not be so emotional”. But it’s not your obligation to be everything for everyone. It’s your obligation to be true to you and live your truth, no matter how long it takes you to process the hurt or heal from your wounds. It’s okay to not always do the right thing, let people down, and feel like you’ve failed. Success is 99% failure, and you just haven’t found your 1% yet, but that’s okay. I hope you forgive yourself for accepting less than you deserved, and I hope one day that you understand that your greatest strength, is that you discovered your worth, found your voice, and stepped into your power.
So many people become immobilized from never forgiving themselves. But I want you to understand that what is coming is better than what is gone; and the reason why this bad thing happened to you, was to push you outside of your comfort zone, to grow, flourish, metamorphosis. We as people become so content living inside these little boxes that we’ve confided ourselves inside, that many of us never come to understand what true happiness really is. So, when we are fired from a job, endure a break-up, lose a baby, go into debt, fail a course in school, have a big fight with a friend or not get the house or apartment that we thought we were meant to live in; its life giving us an opportunity to change our situation to grow into the person that we were meant to be. So be patient with yourself during your process of healing because failure isn’t the end, it’s a detour in the right redirection.
Healing happens in the quietest moments and in the dark. It happens slowly, and often goes without being noticed. But then one day, you’ll walk a little lighter, breathe a little deeper and smile a little easier, and you’ll see just how far you’ve come.
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I appreciate you. And don’t forget to audaciously and unapologetically love yourself today. See you next time beauty.