Adoptees Give Mothers' Day Wisdom for the Triad

Mother's Day is such a difficult day for everyone in the adoption triad. Adoptees, adoptive mothers, birth mothers, stepmothers, all kinds of mothers. It's a difficult day. And we're going to talk about this this morning. Today, Pam Kroske, my sidekick, and I are going to be doing a lot more podcasts. I apologize that

It's taken us a while to get back to you, but thank you for following us on the last one. But Pam, Pam, tell us a little bit about you and how difficult you perceive this day to be. You say it so well. Well, I say it well. But, you know, having...

Pam (00:49.72)
What? Well, I don't know if I say it well. But you know, having two moms, I think, is always difficult. One of my moms isn't here anymore. She passed away from breast cancer, and it was way too soon. And then.

Sherrie Eldridge (01:00.301)
To moms, I think it's always difficult.

One of my moms isn't here anymore. She passed away from breast cancer, and it was way too soon. And then my adoptive mother has dementia. So that's difficult. Very difficult. Yeah, yeah. So I think it's always been terrible, no matter what.

Pam (01:19.694)
My adoptive mother has dementia. So that's difficult. So yeah, yeah. So I think it's always been a struggle, no matter what. And trying to get both of them into my life all this time has been difficult.

Sherrie Eldridge (01:38.477)
And trying to get both of them to come into my life all this time has been difficult. Yes. So they always try to find warm memories, even if they're not with you. You try to find a warm memory? Is that what you said? Yeah. I'm sorry. Yeah. I think you try to find that good space. Yeah, that safe space. Well, yeah.

Pam (01:44.973)
So, you know, always try to find them even if they're not with you.

Pam (01:54.314)
Yeah, yeah, I think you try to find that good space.

Pam (02:01.399)
Yeah.

Sherrie Eldridge (02:02.666)
You know, what may adoptive moms experience? I've got pushback, rejection, and abandonment. Some of them, your kids won't even talk to you. They've just said, you know, I forgot you, you're out of my life. Yeah, rejection. What would be some examples of rejection?

Pam (02:29.453)
Well, you mean from... I mean...

Sherrie Eldridge (02:29.728)
Well, the meaning for any age adoptee can be. When we go searching, we don't always find what we want. Yeah. Mean, that part of our lives can be so difficult. I mean, we don't find every warm space we want. And it's

Pam (02:36.813)
Yeah, I mean, when we go searching, we don't always find what we want. I mean, that part of our lives can be so difficult. I mean, we don't find every warm space we want. It can be so difficult. And then we sit with that rejection. And then our adopted

Sherrie Eldridge (02:57.9)
It can be a service. And then we sit with that rejection. And then our adoptive moms aren't always, you know, good with that sourcing we did. So they have a little bit of rejection. And they're upset with us for that. So I don't know, like, it's almost like a hardness feeling.

Pam (03:05.153)
Moms aren't always good with that sourcing we did. So they have a bit of rejection, and they're upset with guys about it. So there's this, I don't know, like it's almost like a hardness feeling, and we all hurt. Yeah.

Sherrie Eldridge (03:28.086)
And we all hurt. Yeah. And so those three things, pushback, rejection, abandonment, we all have them, right? We've all got it. Yeah, and yet in the midst of all that, for an adoptee, I must say that, like you mentioned, reunion and, you know, searching and everything, I still find it.

Pam (03:38.442)
Yeah. yeah. Yeah.

Pam (03:54.635)
Right.

Sherri

All Rights Reserved.  @sherrieeldridge

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:03

We're going to thirsty after that.

SPEAKER_03 1:07

It's kind of showy, doesn't it? No.

SPEAKER_00 1:14

So good to see you again. To see you. Yeah, okay. Um, all right, I got my stuff here, but I'm just gonna do just a just a Mother's Day is a difficult holiday for everyone, right?

SPEAKER_02 1:38

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:40

Okay. Okay. And it's it's gonna be this is gonna be it's gonna be a video, right?

SPEAKER_02 1:52

I think so.

SPEAKER_03 1:57

Is it echoing? You're so professional.

SPEAKER_00 2:30

All right, I'm just we're gonna do it like it I'm gonna put it out like it is today. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 2:37

Okay. I don't want this in your way.

SPEAKER_00 2:40

Huh?

SPEAKER_02 2:41

Is my faith in your way?

SPEAKER_03 2:44

No. Okay, okay, okay, okay. And by the way, our last one is doing very well.

SPEAKER_00 3:01

Oh, good. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 3:05

We should do more.

SPEAKER_00 3:06

I know. I've just I've really been in a rough patch. Oh, I'm sorry, and I'm gonna be done with all my responsibilities this summer.

SPEAKER_02 3:17

Good.

SPEAKER_00 3:18

Yeah, this is I really want us to continue this.

SPEAKER_03 3:21

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:22

Okay. Oh wait, it's already recording. Stop. It is Mother's Day is such a difficult day for everyone in the adoption triad. Adoptees, adoptive mothers, birth mothers, stepmothers, all kinds of mothers. It's a difficult day, and we're gonna talk about this this morning uh today. Pam Krosky, my sidekick, and I are gonna be doing a lot more podcasts. I apologize that it's taken me us a while to get back to you, but thank you for following us on the last one. But Pam, Pam, tell us a little bit about you and how difficult your perception on how difficult this day is. You say it so well.

SPEAKER_02 4:25

Well, I don't know how I say it well. Um but you know, you know, having two moms, I think is always difficult. Um one of my mom isn't here anymore. Um she passed away from breast cancer and it was way too soon, and then my adoptive mother has dementia. So that's difficult.

SPEAKER_00 5:01

Very difficult.

SPEAKER_02 5:05

So I think it's it's always been difficult no matter what. And you know, trying to fit books into my life all the time has been difficult.

SPEAKER_00 5:17

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 5:19

So you know, you always try to find momentum, even if they're not with you.

SPEAKER_00 5:25

You try to find a warm memory. Is that what you're saying first? Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 5:30

I think you try to find that good space.

SPEAKER_00 5:33

Yes, that safe space. Yeah. You know, what may adoptive moms experience? Um, I've got pushback, rejection, abandonment. Some of them they're your kids won't even talk to you. They've just said, you know, I forgot you, you're out of my life.

SPEAKER_02 5:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:55

Um, yeah, rejection. Um, what would be some examples of rejection? Well, you mean from it I mean from any age adoptee. It can be when we go searching, we don't always find what we want.

SPEAKER_02 6:17

Yeah, I mean that that that part of our lives can be so difficult. I mean, we don't find every one space we want. And uh it can be so difficult, and then we stick with that rejection, and then our doctor moms aren't always um you know good with that sort of thing we did. So they have a little bit of rejection, and you know they're upset with that.

SPEAKER_00 6:53

So you know, there's just this I don't know, like it's almost like a hardness feeling and we all hurt, yes, yeah, yeah, and so yeah, those three things pushback, rejection, abandonment, we all have it, right? Yeah, oh yeah, we all got it, yeah, and yeah, and and yet in the midst of all that for an adoptee, I must say that, you know, like you mentioned um reunion and you know, searching and everything, right? Um, I still find it very, very helpful to look back on my search because I found some very cool things, like you know, I found out that my I found out who the the granddaughter of the doctor who delivered me was, and I called her and she said, Well, did you know that my my grandfather die uh cried over every baby he delivered because he was an orphan himself? Yeah, so there there are some positive things um as well. Um so what are some what are some statements that we could could give to moms for connecting? Like, you know, you talked about did you call it a safe space?

SPEAKER_02 8:20

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 8:21

Yeah, how can we do that, Pam?

SPEAKER_02 8:24

Well, I think you have to find the good in what you found. And you know the friends that you've connected with.

SPEAKER_01 8:35

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 8:36

So um like you and I. Um I think that's the goodness. You know, I've tons of friends in all of this, and that outdoors a lot of the negativity.

SPEAKER_00 8:55

Um that's such a good point, Pam, because fellow adoptee friendships are wonderful. I mean, we know each other like crazy. I mean, you can read me and I can read you, right?

SPEAKER_02 9:09

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 9:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 9:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:12

And so there it's so precious to have fellow adoptee friend friendships. Um a lot of adoptees don't have them. Like even for teen adoptees. Um, you know, one way that they can meet an adoptee is to to um order my workbook under his wings, and they can learn about Moses because he was adopted.

SPEAKER_02 9:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:39

And they can begin to say, Oh my goodness, I'm just like him. And look what he did with his life.

SPEAKER_02 9:45

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:46

Yeah, but you're right. And you know what, Pam, it's just so fun talking with you. I mean, we were having trouble getting this podcast up, and you said, well, maybe we're it's just meant for us to have fun. Right, right, right, right. So I thought I thought of a few connecting statements for adoptees or for adoptive moms to use. Tell me what you think, okay? Okay. One of them is hey, I know this is a hard day for you. Just to acknowledge it, right? Yes, yes, yes, yeah. Sure. Um, just yeah, just to let them know that you know that they're struggling, and just maybe just even a hand on the shoulder, or maybe not even touching. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, touching is the next step, right? Yes, yes. Um, have to be have to have the right boundaries too, because we're very defensive, right? And our bodies were very defensive.

SPEAKER_02 10:44

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:45

Um, another one is um, guess what, buddy? Guess what, my daughter? Um, it's a hard day for seven million adoptees in the United States. You're not alone, right? That many adoptees are feeling the same thing you are, and you are not alone.

SPEAKER_04 11:07

Right.

SPEAKER_00 11:08

So you might want to get on an adoptee website, you know, and listen to other adoptees on Mother's Day, right? That would be something that you could do, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 11:20

Yeah. Okay, here's another one.

SPEAKER_00 11:25

Is there something I can do for you before Mother's Day and during Mother's Day, and even after Mother's Day? That's good. Yeah. How can how can how can I help you?

SPEAKER_02 11:41

Um I don't think we do enough for that. You know, we don't anticipate you know what we're everybody's feeling. You know, we don't think about that.

SPEAKER_00 11:59

And and humility is so important here, you know, to just be very humble, you know, very qu very gentle, yeah, um, and give them room, you know. Um yeah, they will sense that in their bodies, right? Body, soul, and spirit. They will sense that um peace that you have. And that's that's important, isn't it? Yes, that moms know peace, you know, that they've done their work so that they can be self-regulated for for their for their babies, for their children, for their teens, for adults, children. Yeah, yeah. And there are many out there, yeah. But that's the greatest gift that you can give to your child, actually, don't you think, Pam?

SPEAKER_02 12:50

I do too. Yeah. And you know, I think too just listen sometimes. Sometimes, yeah, you know, you know, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:59

Yeah, like active listening.

SPEAKER_02 13:01

Right, right.

SPEAKER_00 13:02

You know, even you know, look up the principles before Mother's Day about active listening.

SPEAKER_02 13:09

Right. Right.

SPEAKER_00 13:10

You know, I've got a daughter that's such an active listener, and I mean I just feel so heard when I talk to her. Yeah, and so just you know, feeding back. Well, I hear you say this, is that right? And and so on. And so that would that would be a gift to the adoptee as well. Yeah, yeah. And the foster child. We don't want to leave out foster um families either. Absolutely foster families. Oh my gosh. Those kids have been through so much. I know. I know you might be the eighth mom that they've had. Yep, yep. Yep.

SPEAKER_02 13:49

Yeah, that's a test. Right. Right.

SPEAKER_00 13:52

Oh my gosh. Yeah. Yeah. I just, you know, this morning when I thought about all my fellow adoptees and foster kids, I just, you know, we weren't even planning on this, right, Pam? And I just felt such a burden this morning for our fellow adoptees, and and I'm so glad that you said yes to doing this today. Okay, here's another one. Um here um maybe you can offer a celebration walk. Or, you know, go on a go jog, go on a uh go on a long walk instead of cake and ice cream. Well, that's gonna that's gonna turn us off because we're you know Adoptee Fantasies. Yeah, yeah, with the cake and ice cream. You know who we'll be thinking about? We'll be thinking about our birth moms because we love them so much, right? Right, all right. We'll be thinking about them and that they're gonna come to get us on their royal royal carriage any day, any minute. They're coming.

SPEAKER_02 15:02

They're coming to get us.

SPEAKER_00 15:04

Yeah, that's what we do. I mean, we're big at that. I still do that sometimes to catch myself.

SPEAKER_02 15:12

I know, I know, or that car driving by it's it's them to come get us.

SPEAKER_00 15:18

Right, yeah. Or you sit down in an airplane and you know, maybe maybe she's sitting next to us. Yeah, you know, the the woman that we want her to be, you know, some really cool woman comes down the the uh plane aisle trying to find her seat, and we think maybe she's my mom.

SPEAKER_03 15:41

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:43

Yeah. Yeah, that's that's you know, some of the dynamics that happen. Um and and okay, let me add this that adoptees think about their most many adoptees. I'll say most adoptees. Yeah, think about their birth moms every single day. Hear this birth moms. We think about you every single day.

SPEAKER_02 16:10

Every single day.

SPEAKER_00 16:12

Yep. But we wouldn't ever tell you that. We wouldn't tell anybody else that, right? No, that's our secret.

SPEAKER_02 16:21

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 16:21

And we and we might not even tell fellow adoptees that. No, but we, you know, for a guy, you know, sh a guy adoptee shaving in the morning. Oh, you know, I wonder where I got my beard. Was it from my adoptive dad or from my birth dad? From you know, whoever. I mean, it's it's all the time. And and that's why, you know, adoptees often look at their adoptive moms as the enemy, right?

SPEAKER_02 16:57

Right.

SPEAKER_00 16:58

You're not you're not the one we're waiting for.

SPEAKER_02 17:01

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:02

Yeah, we're waiting for our carriage to come and with our mom. And we love her so much. So, birth moms, you better remember that on Mother's Day. I mean, body, soul, and spirit, we are very united and close to you. And um, you know, for those of us that have searched, you know, and and found our our birth mothers, um, we love the similarities, don't we? Yeah, yeah. We we love the similarities. I mean, my mom, I mean, when I met her, she had on a uh like a really cool hat with lavender flowers on it, and she was really groovy. And um you know, when I look at it now, I think, you know, I would have picked out the same thing. Yeah, you know, yeah. But the the birth, the birth moms, let's talk a little bit about that. Can reject us. Yeah. Um did that happen to you, Pam?

SPEAKER_02 18:18

You know, I didn't have um immediate rejection at all. But there were like small moments that happened, you know, um when she passed away and didn't uh have me in her will. So yeah, that was really tough. Um but you know, I got over it. But I guess I shouldn't say I got over it, but it's still in my mind. Yes. Um but you know, I have my sister so um I don't think they understood that that I was not in the will. Um they see that I have another mom. But but you know, even to be engaged in a small way, yeah, that I wasn't with us.

SPEAKER_00 19:22

Yeah, yeah, we always feel left out. So yeah, I mean that's a great tip for birth moms. Yeah, isn't it?

SPEAKER_02 19:30

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:31

That's a way that you they can pass on their legacy to us. Right, right. And even though we felt forgotten most of our lives, if we know you're we're in your will, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 19:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:43

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_02 19:44

I mean, no one is saying we should be left. Let's say there's three children, you should get a third. But a blanket or you know, something, some kind of small, you know, um token or something.

SPEAKER_00 20:02

Yes, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 20:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:05

Oh, thank you for sharing that.

SPEAKER_02 20:08

Yeah, it's grass.

SPEAKER_00 20:10

That must have I can tell that was difficult. And yeah, it's reps. Yeah. Okay, um, well, I've got the um, that's it. Um, those are the the things that I can think of to connect with with um with moms, but um yeah, what can adoptees do? I mean, what can we do to find peace? I mean, some people say, you know, that adoptees can never get over, you know, what they've been through, the trauma they've been through. Yeah. Um how can we find peace in all of that?

SPEAKER_02 20:53

I don't know that we really ever get over our trauma. I think we kind of get through it. Um, but I think we find little moments of peace through our friends, you know, through counseling.

SPEAKER_00 21:17

Um definitely and I think that's important.

SPEAKER_02 21:24

You know, and uh I really do believe, you know, God does help us.

SPEAKER_00 21:32

Oh, he definitely helps us, right, right.

SPEAKER_02 21:35

And I just think it just takes time and connections with other dogs.

SPEAKER_00 21:42

Yes, I really think yeah, and and when you said counseling, it brought to mind EMDR, you know. Yeah for me, even at 76 or when I had it, that huge. Old parts of my brain that you know were deeply wounded. Right. And I've heard I've heard a lot of ad not a lot, but I've heard several adoptees say that that has really helped them. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 22:16

I really want to try that.

SPEAKER_00 22:19

Yeah, it's it's excellent.

SPEAKER_02 22:21

Um I think it's an ever working progress. For us. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:34

And you know, as we're always growing, always seeking to grow, right? Humid and authenticity.

SPEAKER_02 22:42

Sure. Sure.

SPEAKER_00 22:43

In our faith walk with Jesus. Um I mean, for me it's a comfort to know he's right here with me.

SPEAKER_02 22:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:55

Um yeah. I mean, there have been signposts in my life where um he's met me in a way that is unforgettable. And I don't I don't know if I've ever shared the one about my birth or not, but um yeah. Have I? No, I don't think so. I don't think so. Um I was supposed to go to a local hospital. A counselor told me and pray and ask God to show me what those babies, you know, who were gonna be adopted, felt like. So I went with a nurse friend and we gowned up and we went to Riley Hospital, you know. Went in the the neonatal unit, and um I felt nothing. I prayed, God, show me what do you want to show me? Here I am, yeah. And um, and nothing happened, and so I took my friend back home, and I was riding home um down Fall Creek and Road, and then all of a sudden I just started sobbing. And um and there and these words came to my mind on the day you were born, you were thrown out into an open field unwanted. But I, and that's God, I came by and saw you lying there, and I said to you, live, thrive like a plant in the field, and you did, you became precious, you became a jewel to me. And so I knew that God was there with me, and that you know, when my mother was screaming, you know, take me away, I don't want to know her, you know, her gender, whatever. Right, Jesus is right there with me. Yeah, um, that gives me a lot of comfort. So when I go through a very difficult time, presently, and I look back on those signposts, um, that has helped me a lot to stay to stay grounded, yeah, and uh to find peace um in the midst of what can be a very stormy Mother's Day, right? Yeah, yeah. So um, Tam, just in closing, I think it'd be very helpful to to adoptees and to anyone really, if you share a little bit about your adoptive mom and what you're going through, you know, with the health care and all that. Um share share your heart on that, okay? Sure.

SPEAKER_02 25:50

Um yeah, she has dementia and you know she doesn't really know anything, but maybe and losing her facility is really difficult. And uh they moved her facility when they yeah, yeah, one horrible closed, and so I had to move her to another one. Oh my gosh, yeah, yeah, and um so it took about a week for her to catch up and oh not at the old facility. Yeah, and um yesterday she said I want to go home.

SPEAKER_00 26:38

Oh yeah, and brings tears, doesn't it? Yeah. That's okay, just take a breath. Yeah, yeah. So she's confused. Yeah, it's really hard. But I'm so sorry.

SPEAKER_02 26:55

I know that you know, God is working for her. And you know, the next day she'll be smart, maybe but you won't.

SPEAKER_00 27:08

You've no you carry that weight.

SPEAKER_03 27:12

Yeah, oh I feel really bad for her, and I just leave her you know, not knowing if she's okay.

SPEAKER_02 27:24

Yes, so um it's it's very strange because the role is a reverse now.

SPEAKER_00 27:33

Yes, now you're the mom now.

SPEAKER_02 27:35

Yeah, I'm the mom. It's just it's just really hard. Um but yeah, you won't even know it's Mother's Day Sunday.

SPEAKER_00 27:49

Yeah. So what are you what are you gonna do for Mother's Day in that regard?

SPEAKER_02 27:54

Are you gonna say I'll probably go see her? Um yeah. But um it's just one of those maybe my permanent dimension, also. But um yeah, it's just one of those has been live. You just have to move on and you know, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:22

Try and find find the piece and it mu it must trigger some abandonment. I mean, like as a child, yeah, or as an adult even, you just feel abandoned when your your parent just starts to die. Yeah, yeah, very difficult.

SPEAKER_02 28:43

Yeah, and there'll be a day where she won't know me. I'm lucky right now she does. She doesn't recognize uh my kids right now. She only recognizes me.

SPEAKER_00 28:59

Yeah, well that means a lot, doesn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 29:02

Yeah, I'm I need to be four connections. Yeah, when I go there, I'll I'll tease her and I'll say, Do you know who I am? And she'll say George. George. And that was kind of a joke with us. But um and I'll say no, I'm serious. Do you know who I am? But yeah, she doesn't recognize my husband. Oh yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 29:35

So do you look like her Pam?

SPEAKER_02 29:40

No.

SPEAKER_00 29:41

No, no, no, no, interesting.

SPEAKER_02 29:46

Yeah, it's funny because I look like my adoptive father, which is hilarious. I mean, he's not alive and you think I was related to him. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 29:59

She has related to him.

SPEAKER_02 30:01

No, I look like I was related to him.

SPEAKER_00 30:04

Oh, interesting. Yeah, different DNA all over the place, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And sometimes, you know, like I've had spiritual moms, you know, all through my life. Someone older that will mentor me and love me all the way when my adoptive mom couldn't. Yeah. She, I mean, she my mom was a very gifted teacher, uh, educator, and you know, everybody thought she was the best teacher in the world. Yeah. But at home, she was l living with a child with reactive attachment disorder. You you lose you lose your sanity, or you can you lose your strength. Yeah, yeah. And so, you know, the closeness was very difficult. Yeah. Um, and so, you know, we can even think about those moms, rad moms, and everything. Right, but um, Pam, you know, I just I think that's so powerful what you shared.

SPEAKER_04 31:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 31:13

And um could I just pray for you and we will we will end the podcast? Yeah. Thank you to everyone that tuned in. And um let's pray. I'll pray for Pam and for all the other moms out there. Okay, because we love you guys. Okay. Father, thank you. Thank you so much for this precious time that Pam and I have had to share together as fellow adoptee friends and sisters in Christ. I just pray that you would comfort Pam in this very, very hard time with her adoptive mom. Please give her peace and strength that she's never known before. And and we pray for birth moms out there. Oh, wait, we're I'm praying for your birth mom. I'm sorry, Pam, for your birth mom. Um so we're praying for birth moms for comfort, for that that you on that day can both grieve and rejoice that you gave birth, but you can you can still feel the sadness. I guess I pray that for the whole adoption triad. That yeah, it's really hard, and we can feel grief, but we can balance it almost like carrying two um buckets on each side. We can carry one of grief and we can carry one of um of joy and peace, and we can we can walk down the middle. And so that's what Pam and I pray for all of you today. Um we will be praying for you. We thank you for joining us, and join us again. Share this podcast with with your friends. Bye.