Know Dumb Questions
Know Dumb Questions
KNOW DUMB QUESTIONS: FT Dr. Alduan Tartt
What if you could transform your marriage into a thriving partnership, redefining love and commitment in today's dynamic world? In this episode, we open up about our journey of marriage and how our own experiences, along with those of others, inspired our mission to nurture relationships through couple retreats. Drawing inspiration from the biblical couple Priscilla and Aquila, we focus on strengthening marriages within the Black community and beyond, offering practical insights to help couples flourish. We explore the societal challenges, such as modern gender roles and the pressures unique to affluent marriages, aiming to equip couples with the tools to overcome these obstacles while maintaining transparency and mutual satisfaction.
Our conversation also delves into the intricate dynamics of financial roles in modern marriages, especially when faced with income disparities. We navigate through scenarios where traditional gender roles are challenged, highlighting how couples can achieve harmony and equity in their relationships. With insights from premarital counseling practices like SIMBAS and Prepare/Enrich, we discuss strategies for building trust and integrating finances, ensuring every partner feels valued and understood. Additionally, we touch on the importance of shared financial responsibility and the delicate balance of maintaining individual independence within a joint financial framework.
As we explore the complexities of maintaining sexual chemistry and navigating infidelity in marriage, we shed light on the evolving desires and challenges that couples face over time. Our episode offers guidance on aligning sexual preferences and ensuring mutual satisfaction to enhance marital happiness. We emphasize the transformative power of love and connection, inviting couples to join us at "A Weekend for Love" in Los Cabos this November, designed to enrich relationships through workshops, intimate experiences, and a vow renewal ceremony. Celebrate the foundation of marriage, recognizing its impact on family dynamics and overall well-being, and join us in fostering a legacy of affection and unity.
It's great to have you back, my man. Hey, glad to be here, man, glad to be here. Good times as always. My brother, glad to see you. Well, always well-dressed. My brother, I need to step it up, step it up. That's just how you know. I ain't do Dr Perry with Dr Perry. Listen, listen, listen, I think you do just fine. So here's a question I have for you, because I've I'm I watched some of what you put out and I see that you and your wife do some couples retreats.
Speaker 1:Yes, I want you to talk about those, but before you talk about those, talk to me about the decision to do them together. Like, talk to me about the conversation. Like our marriage is so good we should show other people how to do it. Is that what happened? Well, I mean, when you look in the Bible, there was a couple named Priscilla and Aquila, right, and so they would host the Apostle Paul and do gatherings right to spread the gospel and do gatherings right to spread the gospel. And so when we read about Priscilla and McKaylee, we said we have a combined passion for couples, like what we do separately if we combine it. So my wife runs a huge prayer challenge for wives.
Speaker 1:I do a lot when it comes to ministry and marriage counseling and every time I would speak dog people you know the first thing they ask you where is your wife? If they're black, they want to see her, right, they want to see her, they want to see her and they want to see you move. So what we realize is that we represent and we assemble of marriages, right. So whenever you speak, they want to see a couple interact because people want that. But the goal is, because I'm a psychologist, it's always teaching about what works in psychology, right. So it's not that anyone is Jesus Christ of relationships. Everyone is going through it. Every single person in every pastor, every psychologist, every relationship expert is doing the best he and she can to make their marriage work All right. And so, because we have overcome so many different things and then we have so many different tools and so many different friends, we we bring as many friends as we can and say, hey, let's pour into uh marriages, let's pour into marriages to make sure that they uh survive. My wife and I have not only survived but thrive, because there's an attack against black marriages, right, economically, if you break the black, you break the marriage. You can break the economics. You can break the economics, you can break the family. So why not strengthen the base Strong relationship with God, strong relationship bringing your best partner and then strengthening the marriage. And so that's what we do.
Speaker 1:For those of y'all, shameless, plug, a Weekend for Love. A Weekend for Love is going down in Cabo in November. We still have six or seven slots left, right Aweekendforlovecom. Six or seven in the video. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Speaker 1:I want you to plug this because I really have some real questions, because I am fascinated maybe, yeah, I'm fascinated by couples who are comfortable enough to put their coupledom out on public display. I often feel like when we put something up for public consumption, the public will consume it and, in some cases, regurgitate it. Talk to me about, first, how you and your wife move, knowing that people are literally watching you to see how you move. Tell me what you tell me what impact, if any, that has on you and your day to day married life. Laughing, because I see my friend in here talking about can he bring a date? That's so funny. So, yeah, yeah, come on, come on, george, come on, doc, go ahead. Yeah, bring a date the more to marry.
Speaker 1:So listen, it's about. It's like a pastor. A pastor is not Jesus Christ. A pastor is simply the shepherd getting you closer to Christ, that's all. And if you see that pastor is any more than what he is now, you have some problems.
Speaker 1:So anyone that's ever been to any one of our webinars, any one of our trainings, any one of our retreats, never hears us say that we're the perfect couple. Right, we say we make perfect adjustments, we make perfect adjustments. And here are the tools tools not only that work for us. This is not about be like us, this is like we're all the same. So this is the so weekend for love is the number one premier marriage retreat for affluent couples. So affluent couples have things that stress their marriages. So to be usually time, money, multiple businesses, two people working or one person working, the other person trying to hold it down, usually taking care of kids and parents, right, and so all those things and wanting to continue to build wealth and legacy and all those different things.
Speaker 1:So when we come together, we're there to put together things that we need for other couples. So we are the host, we are the guides. Now me being a psychologist, of course, I'm going to teach about. Hey, what works? You know what are the three things that make marriage work. How do you commit, how do you fight fair, how do you increase your sexual intimacy after 30, 25, 30 years? We're bringing in a sex expert. You know. We're going to give couples the things that they need, and then we have an opportunity to renew vows right, because what does it feel like to feel married again? So we set out and it's not just us, doc, our partners are also a married couple Dwayne and Michelle Ganey. All of the speakers are married. We have Pastor Lee Jenkins and his wife, martika Jenkins, coming and being the keynote speakers.
Speaker 1:This year, every single presenter is married or in a relationship, and I'd say probably 99% are couples that are talking about. This is how it's done, and what people like is people being real, people being sincere, people being transparent about how they make it work. But how do you get transparent out of that? So, but here let's go there. Right, are your presenters, not anyone in particular? Would your presenters bring forward a conversation about infidelity or something in that space? Yes, so all of our presenters are real about what they're doing, because what people want is to know how do you make marriage work when it's complicated. Now, of course, we have couples who are in amazing space. Just the ebb and flows. You're in a great space and then you may not be in a great space, you may struggle. You have to make perfect adjustments for one another. How do you do that? Whatever our audience requests, we bring them those speakers.
Speaker 1:So the theme this year is love, faith and money. How do you get aligned with faith? How do you get on the same page with money and how do you get on the same page with money, and how do you get on the same page when it comes to making sure you stay in love while trying to do all of those at the same time? So those are the things that we're focusing on getting on the same page. Spiritually, we're on the same page. Financially, we're on the same page, and then our relationship to God is on the same page.
Speaker 1:You mentioned that affluent couples are. This is the number one retreat for affluent couples. Do affluent couples have different issues than, let's say, middle class or poor couples? For sure, usually you have more time demands on them, all right. So we're talking about people who run companies, people who are CEOs. So we're talking about people who run companies, people who are CEOs, athletes, entertainers, authors, so on and so forth. So their time? Usually they don't have as much time, right, typically you have two. You have two people who are working All right. So you usually have two just from the economics, two people who have some type of leadership responsibility or some type of business or businesses that they're running at the same time, and then three. What we see is just less time. Sometimes they struggle to spend quality time because so many people are calling on them. When you're the CEO, you know this. When you're the principal or the founder of a school, your phone is ringing. You know, at a certain time People only want to talk to you and I know you have staff and you know Right, right at the end of the day, so they're having to do. And here's what we see they're also managing what you're talking about, dr Perry a brand. They're managing a brand.
Speaker 1:So if that marriage fails, the church fails. If that marriage fails, the apparel business fails right, the retreats fail right. And so people are there saying that there's a lot on the line for legacy. And then their family Most of our couples care a lot about legacy their children. They want their children to inherit wealth. They want their children to inherit the businesses. So if we go our separate ways, all of that goes against the vision we have for our marriage and everything that we've built.
Speaker 1:What would you say is, as a psychologist who does couples counseling and couples workshops and is part of a couple, what would you say is consistently the issue, or series of issues, that end marriages issue, or series of issues that end marriages? All right. Number one not mutually satisfying. So there's a sister by the name of Carol Rust Belt, right? Well, I say a sister, it's not sister, she's a womp, right? So Carol Rust Belt did this study and said what makes people want to commit, not stay committed? You can be married and miserable, commit, not stay committed. You can be married and miserable, but you stay committed out of obligation or finances or religion or whatever.
Speaker 1:But there's three things really quickly. One marital satisfaction. Are we both happy in this marriage? Not one of us, but both of us, couples who believe that both of us should get me be happy, make adjustments. If you're not happy, let let me adjust this, all right? Number two level of investment. So are we both equally invested in making our marriage better, or is it one person saying, go to the marriage retreat? Is it one person saying, go to church? Is it one person saying, lose weight? Is it one person saying we're going to take community classes and the other one is lagging, don't work right? And then the third one and this is sobering is are you the best spouse for your spouse? It's called quality. You got to stay there. Can I do better without you? So if I can have better health without you and I can maintain my financial status without you, or I could not be cheated on without you, I could not be yelled and screamed and manipulated and you know, told, you know, I can't get a word in edgewise without you, then I'm going to move on to a better partner, or by myself, because a bad marriage takes 10 to 12 years off of your life just due to stress. So those three factors are the ones that are most often used when you're considering what kills a marriage.
Speaker 1:What are some of the factors that you see that are most often present in marriages where people say that they are happy? Oh yeah, oh so. So one, they have a, they have a mission, so they have a family mission. So, like we're both trying to do the same thing, like I talked about Priscilla and Akilah, like we have a mission that our marriage is a part of, so we're building something together. So we, we are so, so connected. We have a shared goal. All right, we have a shared goal, right? Like priscilla and akilah, hey, we're trying to convert believers, so we're trying to do that's number one. Number two all right. Uh, they live, and I see it in the comments. They live in peace. They don't agree. They do not agree.
Speaker 1:There's research shows couples disagree two-thirds at a time because you're different Open cabinet, closed cabinet, travel, stay in the same Toilet paper, on the top or the bottom? A kid should get a nose ring? No, let them be free. No, you know, whatever right? So couples are going to disagree because you're different, but during those differences, doc, they're able to have peace and they're able to hear one another. I don't have to agree with you, but I do have to feel you right, and once I feel you, we're going to be able to come up with a compromise, because I do respect you, even though I totally disagree with you. Three, what is the Go ahead? Go ahead, go ahead. They have fun, they have fun together, they have fun and they have time, so their marriage is actually scheduled.
Speaker 1:They did a study and they show in failing marriages, couples ignore one another 86% of the time. 80. Let's go to the park, I don't want to. Let's go to dinner, I don't want to. Let's go to dinner, I don't want to. Let's make love tonight. I'd rather watch a movie. Right? 86% of the time they're saying no. But in successful marriages that is flipped. You know. 86% of the time couples are saying yes, yes, yes, I'll do that. I don't necessarily want to go for a walk, but it's important to you. We'll take a walk and then I'll come back and I'm going to watch my show. I may not like your pastor, but I'm going to go because going to church together is important to you. But I'll go and I'll tell you what I think of the word Right. So you see them giving each other attention more than they're saying no, more than they're saying no.
Speaker 1:In the modern era, specifically among African American and Latina women, it is probable that she will earn more than he does, that she will have more education than he does and, in many cases, may already be a homeowner by the time she meets him. What role, if any, does the traditional gender role play in the modern context of Black love? You know, that's a whole panel right there, my brother, and it is why marriage is a strain. This is not our dad, not grandfather's marriages. This is not grandma and grandma.
Speaker 1:In 1974, you had to have your husband's permission to take out a bank loan, right, so there were a lot to take out a bank loan, right, so there were a lot. Women used to stay. No, women were in bondage. She couldn't go anywhere, she was miserable. So it wasn't that women are all of a sudden tapping out of marriages. They now have the economic freedom to be able to leave something toxic, dysfunctional or no longer serves them or is costing them years, costing them longevity. No one's taking 10 to 12 years off their life willfully for a marriage that's dysfunctional. No one. Self-preservation is going to kick in, right, and so that's that's the first thing that we see, and the main issue that we see is men are incredibly uncomfortable Now not being the providers.
Speaker 1:Because what is your role? How do you deal with no longer being the head of household financially, and how does that change the power dynamics? How does that change how you feel, um, how does that play out at home. There are many couples where they have traditional gender roles, even though the woman out earns the man, so she's still coming home and giving him the big piece of chicken. She's still having traditional roles of cooking and cleaning, right.
Speaker 1:But what we also see is that there are a lot of brothers who've said all right, we're going to have to change. If you're the one who travels all the time, I'm going to cook, I'm going to be primary on the kids' homework, I'm going to be the soccer dad, I'm going to be the one that does laundry. But can an alpha black female feel comfortable? I said, can an alpha black female feel comfortable coming home to a stay-at-home black male dad? Well, when you start talking about these terms like alpha, right, that's not really in the research. That's kind of you know, that's cultural, that's like pop culture, okay. Okay, I'm talking about adapting, right, and so it's really about what roles work for you as a couple, right?
Speaker 1:So let's look at the obamas, right. So michelle has a best-selling book that outsold barack. He's happy about that. When she's on front and center on her book tour, he's with the kids and making sure that they're doing what they need to do to be an ex-president, though. Right like, not just a book for a book. I mean he, he was a president of the United States twice. But Michelle, he's pretty, pop, cultural, nice, pretty alpha. But he's secure enough to allow Michelle to shine Like people, like Michelle's speech at the Democratic National Convention, more than they liked. His right, alright, I agree with that. He was secure enough when they didn't even like him in Iowa in the first caucus. They brought Michelle in to convert those white women because they were not trying to hear from Barack Hussein Obama, and so she was an asset, right. And so you see, very secure men. Really, what you're talking about are men who are secure.
Speaker 1:My manhood is not threatened if I am doing a different role. My manhood is not threatened by spending time with my kids taking them to dance. My manhood is not threatened by helping my kids out with tutoring. My manhood is not threatened doing my daughter's hair. My manhood is not threatened staying at home and making sure that everything is good on the home front, because the wife travels as a truck driver and travels for a week at a time. Yeah, I'm going to get the kids ready for school. Yeah, I'm going to put them to bed. Yeah, I'm going to feed them so they're not emasculated.
Speaker 1:So what you're talking about is men having to shift because you can't say I want a traditional home life, but then the corporate life is totally different. Your wife is a ceo and you are a teacher, right, all right, and then then you come home and act like she's not making you know more money. We have to adjust and adapt to that. So what are some of the adjustments? So the question is still do traditional gender roles still apply? And I'm going to stay with African-Americans because that's what I know. Okay, in African-American relationships where, by and large, you go to most HBCUs, on a light day it's 10 to 1. Some schools are like 30 to 1.
Speaker 1:Do traditional gender roles still apply when it is a virtual fact that black women are going to out-earn black men in most households and it's going to get worse, right, yeah, for sure. My daughter's at Howard right now, brother, I saw it. And we're not even including the men there who are interested in other men, not my daughter. Let's keep it real. So you take those numbers, probably decrease it by 30. Keep it a buck, because you're looking again, again. So you and I are going to have some fun tonight. So, again, keep it a buck. So there's a very small percentage of heterosexual black men to start with. There's even a smaller percentage of heterosexual black men who are going to be college educated 1.3% of all teachers, it was reported by CNN, are black men 1.3%. 1.3% is pretty low. Yeah, same for psychologists. So, that being said, in the black family is the traditional man who leaves the house thing dead? No, because those men are.
Speaker 1:If we're looking at wealth, the wealthiest men are less educated. When we start looking at who's owning business wait a minute, let's look at it so, so, so. So if we're looking at the top right, so look at PhDs, phds, mds, esquires should be at the top of the income range. But when you start looking at the highest earners are actually business owners. Now, some of them are college educated, some of them are not Right educated, some of them are not right. So if you start talking about some, you start looking at money. Money and education. Don't always have a straight line, that's true, but if we're gonna be straight, we know that education is the most likely way to Well.
Speaker 1:So, by way of traditional roles, if your wife has more education, more bread and a better job can you? You maintain the traditional. You come home and cook, well, it? It really depends. So, and you're. And I'll tell you what I see, right. So, so, one thing that we see is a couple's having a conversation. Right, I'll be transparent in our marriage. Right, I am front and center on all of our kids' education Homework. That's me all. Right, that's my job. Right, that is my territory. Right, I'm the one that has the parent teacher come. I'm point of contact for for all three. I'm the one that took our daughter, uh, to howard. I'm the one that's talking to her about mock trial, or you know, the, the heart man, that howard debate club. That, that's my area.
Speaker 1:And so we talk about certain things. My wife is the athlete of the family. If there's athletics, my wife is front and center. My wife is the ultra marathoner. My wife is the one that works out four to five to six days a week. So we start talking about, you know, like sports. You know that will likely be my wife, especially with our girls, right, so that'll be split.
Speaker 1:And so we sit down and we talk about talent. We don't talk gender roles. Another one my wife is a sales rep. I don't negotiate anything. My wife is cold as ice. My wife is from Englewood by way of South Central. I would just be like I don't want to argue. Let's just split the difference. If that's all you have in the budget, that's all you have in the budget. My wife's like nah, nah, I've already looked at the last five speakers and I saw what you paid them. You're going to run my husband at $10K. Are you going to run us $15K? Are you going to run us $25K living? So why would I negotiate if my wife's talent base is above mine in that area? So that's what couples are now talking about. Let's come together and let's talk talents. Let's talk talents.
Speaker 1:My wife trained our youngest daughter for the uh p street road race. Why would I be out there training her now? I'm a former runner, but I ain't running a long time right Now. When it comes to my son, yeah, we were down, even though he's two. We were down there lifting weights, right, that's my area, right. So we just kind of divide it. We just divide it based upon our talent levels. And I don't cook, but I will Uber Eats. Brother, you said you wanted food. You said you wanted food. You just said I had to cook the food, okay, okay.
Speaker 1:So in your experience, what you're seeing is that the gender roles may not be what they once were. They can't be. Because you're walking in hypocrisy, so come home and be. Because you're walking in hypocrisy, so come home and act like you're head of household financially, when you're not bringing in most of the money, right? So how can we do that? Right? So let's act like. Let's act like you are not the one that's most talented when it comes to negotiating housing for us, figuring out our financial strategy, right? So if one of us is a professional financial planner or a banker or has opened up multiple businesses, all right. Right, that's not going to be the same in a business meeting. It's going to be one that has more power than the other, based on talent. But here's what I see, and I think that's where I see you going.
Speaker 1:What I do see, doc, is most African-American families and couples do have more traditional roles when it comes home. So even if that man is out earned, that wife does not want to be quote, unquote alpha. She wants to come home and her husband makes the majority of the decisions as long as it's fair. So if someone breaks in the house. She's not going to get up and start shooting at the brother, right, all right, if she doesn't know how to make, if she doesn't want to make a decision, she'll defer to her husband. She's not eating a big piece of chicken. She's not telling him what to do in front of other people, they are consulting. So they have worked it out to where, regardless of what's going on in their household, it works for them.
Speaker 1:Really quickly, I did an interview with jamie uh, jimmy tyler from sister sister magazine. I went to her house and she says my husband works for me at sister to sister, but when I come home I cook for him and I get his slippers right by his reclining chair every single day. What we do in the world and what we do at home are two different things and that's why our marriage works. So let's stay there. So husband and wife, girlfriend and boyfriend go out to dinner. Okay, she makes more money than he does. Okay, does she expect him to pay? Does she give him the credit card before they leave the vehicle or is there a receipt?
Speaker 1:Another option I mean, you know what you're talking about, so it depends on what they've worked out right. So one option, of course you know. Yes, one is to go to a place that the man can afford, okay, okay, okay, that's C, all right, or I am primary on dates, but you might be primary on paying the mortgage. So I have the money to go to nice restaurants and pay out of my account. That's number one. Two, she may slide the man the card, so that he doesn't feel emasculated, because servers are often always going to bring that bill and slide it to the man on the table, right, right. And then number three, this is the highest level couples who say it's all our money, so there's only one card, or the card has both of their names on it, so it doesn't matter who pays, because it all is coming out of one account.
Speaker 1:They've combined we. So I make 150, you make 50, we make 200. And because we have 200 in a joint account and we have a common, mutual mindset on how we spend and how we budget and how we move, there's no conflict because two is better than one, but they get better return for their labor. So we've combined. So there is no me versus you, there's just we. So you have the modern woman and there's always been the modern woman, since the next generation of women. You know you speak of the Bible, and in the Bible the women didn't have much in the way of rights throughout in terms of the connection. Pretty rough ride for them back in the day Today, as they're more educated especially black women, earning more especially black women and have better gigs especially black women and have better gigs especially black women. At the same time, though, many of these African-American women have grown up in homes where the uncle may be the man that they know, but not a father in a fatherly role, as a father to a husband, to a wife might be, or grandfather to a grandmother.
Speaker 1:What is the likelihood in your experience for young women and I'm going to call young in their 30s, who've gotten their lives started, to enter a relationship and put all their money together and say what's mine is ours and what's out yours is ours, and create a joint bank account when she does make a buck 50 and he does make 50? What is the likelihood of that in your experience with today's couples? So today's couples don't just go to the pastor for premarital counseling anymore. All right, every psychologist will tell you. Almost anyone that comes into premarital counseling and that is the majority of couples goes through either something called a SIMBAS saving your marriage before it starts developed by two psychologists or prepare and enrich. Those are the two gold standards when it comes to premarital counseling, and each one of those are extensive extensive, almost like a merger agreement about how you're going to merge your money.
Speaker 1:What does money mean to you? Does it mean security? Does it mean access? Does it mean wealth? Does it mean power? Does it mean freedom? What does it mean to you and how do you all want to handle money? You're talking about this three, six, nine months out. How do you want to handle money? And then most couples expect what are they saying, though? What are they saying when you ask them that? Because there has to be a lot of sisters right now who also know, dog, I watched my mother struggle. I watched my mother struggle, and when such and such left, I watched her be destitute. What you're not about to do is break my ass. That's not what we're going to do. So you got yours, I got mine, for sure, for sure.
Speaker 1:I remember you know we were talking to our financial planner, right, and uh financial planner says you know, uh, matt, what is this amount of money? And she starts smiling all right, and I wouldn't you know. You said well, that's, that's my stash money. My mama, my grandma, taught me always keep a stash just in case something happens, right, right, and I looked at her and I said that's what the money is for, in case something happens. Fun, right. And we started, we started laughing. I said, look, that doesn't work for me because I don't have a stash. Everything you see is either for us, the children, or if it's stashed away, that's in case we want to invest in something that's an emergency fund. But there's nothing for me. That's in case things don't work out. So we started laughing about it and we had to come to Jesus meeting that we're not in this to separate, right. And so there's one, so you do see that right. And then two. There's a separate conversation that needs to be had.
Speaker 1:What can we do when we combine our incomes? Now I'm talking about affluent couples. What opportunities do we have, right, by actually combining our income? Can one person go and make a risky move without jeopardizing the combined credit of the couple? All right, can we double our income? Can we invest in two venture capital businesses knowing the risk is low? I mean, the risk of them busting is low, but we can double our chances because we have 10 in one and 25 in another is low. I mean, the risk of them busting is low, but we can double our chances because we have 10 in one and 25 in another.
Speaker 1:Can we form a joint venture to do a real estate out of a whole nother fund? Let's say that. Can one of us quit our job? Can one of us quit our job? One of us quit our job and hold it down? So let me push you on that, though. So many sisters are still the first generation right now to have a college degree, a master's degree, a JD, a PhD, edd, what have you? They're the first one to don the sable robe of spring graduation and they're coming from the gutter. They've clawed their way up through whatever circumstances. They are. Now they have the world by the tail.
Speaker 1:How does, whether it be a pastor or a partner, how does somebody convince that sister that she should take her money and pair it with her husband to create a joint bank account within which she knows that two thirds, for instance, is her contribution, and call it even Well, I mean one love. Okay, all right, Because it was mindset that we're one right. Same thing with children. So, blended families this is not your son, not your daughter, this is our daughter. Now, this is your biological son or daughter, but I'm going to raise him or her like he's mine or like she's mine, right? The college we split in that, whatever the case may be, right? Parent-teacher conference I'm coming up there. I'm not saying I'm the bonus dad unless I'm respecting the father or the mother, right? So one we're going to have a combined. This is not your parents, these are my parents, right? So they need to live with us or we need to take our income and get them the best doctors or senior living care. There's no mine and yours, it's just ours.
Speaker 1:So when we got married and that line was, that aisle was gone for the reception, reception, everyone's combined. So we started talking about money. There's a mindset about everything. Now, talking about money, there's a mindset about everything. Now, here's the thing. That. Here's the thing that's interesting.
Speaker 1:Men tend to level up over time in those marriages because the woman actually prefers for the man to make more. So she has the option to work. Let's keep it real, even oprah wants the option to work. I want to work, work, good luck, good luck, stedman Right. So so we don't work. We don't work anyway. We don't work even we don't need the money, just out of sense of purpose and obligation. And I, we'd like to work if we want to, but a lot of women would just, hey, I'll work if I want to, so they're able to to, to set that up. And so what I see is them strategically using their influence to position their husbands into building wealth. So we have extra 12,000.
Speaker 1:How do you feel about buying a Section 8 home? And we have an extra 10,000. How do you feel about getting with this crypto? So is a joint bank account, in your opinion, a requirement? No, okay, no, there's some couples that just don't want that oversight, right, like some of them sit up and say, look, if it's over a certain amount, we have a conversation, but anything below this, we're not having a conversation. I don't want to consult. If I want to buy a motorcycle, I don't want to consult. But if I want to buy a motorcycle, I don't want to consult. But if I'm going to go buy a Maserati, then we can have a conversation, but I'm not consulting. If I want to buy some jeans, okay, doc. So we're going to come off the money for a second?
Speaker 1:Should a spouse have access to your phone? If you are unfaithful, keep secrets, lie are deceptive. Yes, how else is he or she going to build trust other than to see if what you say and what you do align? So, other than that y'all have trust, that is a boundary violation. But if someone think about it, if I spent too much in my budget at your school, you're not going to have oversight. I'm not going to have to put in requisitions. Doc, can my psychology department have this? I'm going to have to ask you. You're going to micromanage me because I didn't manage the budget that you gave me and you're the one that had to deal with it. You're the one that fired somebody if it's a breach.
Speaker 1:So if, if there's been a breach in trust, you feel that the partner should have full access to the other partner's phone, it's not what I feel. It's the only what. Transparency is the only way to rebuild trust. So it's not who cares what I think. When we look at the research and rebuilding trust, it only comes through transparency. I trust what I see, because your words deceive me or your lack of words deceive me. So if I want to rebuild financial trust. I want to rebuild emotional trust. Are you talking to your mom about me again? Let me hear the conversation, let me see that text that you sent to see what it was. So then, same thing for you if you're.
Speaker 1:If you're counseling a couple, right, yes, and, and we're going to what? What's? What's the retreat that everybody's going to be going to? What's where it's in Kabul, what's the name of it? Again, yeah, a weekend for love, a weekend. Go to a weekend for lovecom, november 7th through the 11th.
Speaker 1:Weekend for love, so Love, so Weekend for Love. A wife comes in and she says I want my husband to put his cell phone in my hand, unlocked. You would say what? Y'all need to have a conversation about that. So if there was infidelity, I'd say if you want your marriage to work, brother, then have full transparency so you can't be closed off, secretive and have a clandestine affair and then not want to be open about why you did it. Shame. What's surprising is that couples who go through infidelity recovery actually have higher quality marriages than couples who never went through it at all. Here's why Because they are no longer relaxed. They no longer relax, so they're so I don't want to say anxious, but aware and realistic that anything can happen in our marriage. So, yeah, we're going to do date nights. Yeah, we're going to have open and honest conversations. That.
Speaker 1:I'm looking at this, sister, because you've gained too much weight, and every fine woman that walks by. I think about how you look. I am looking at this man who is taking his wife out and providing a lifestyle when you're sitting on the couch. Yes, I am looking at men who are ambitious because it's sexy and that's how you used to be. When you're coming home and you're on the couch you're not working. It's making me think about having the option.
Speaker 1:You said that couples in recovery from infidelity. I want to talk about that for a second. I want, I want to, I want to stay there because many a single person has declared if he ever, if she ever cheats on me, I'm out. Is that true? In most cases that you see when you're counseling, it depends. It depends on the person's trauma, background, trauma, tolerance. Right, there's some people that can't not take that trauma. They would just never be able to see you that way again. Right, they just can't. All right, there are a lot of couples where it depends, all right. So it depends on the circumstances as to how this happened. The story we tell matters.
Speaker 1:So, were you drunk and was this an opportunity? You know, dr Perry, did I get a huge book deal, make $5 million, and Rihanna wants to come? Oh God, you sound like you put some thought into this dog. Yeah, I love Rihanna. You sound like you lobbying for a hall pass, brother. Okay, come on. Hey, us, us, us, us can take my wife, bro, and Riri can take me, so, but is this something that you did? You fall in love with this woman? Did you fall in love with this woman? Did you fall in love with this man? It wasn't a drunken stupor.
Speaker 1:In your experience, it was a conscious decision to open up your relationship to a person or persons other than your partner. In your experience, is that survival? Most couples don't survive, but here's the key If the betraying partner agrees to do three things Atone, so full transparency. So let's say this is mostly men, even though I've seen women. This is what brothers say I don't want to give up my phone, I don't want to be tracked, I don't want to have to check in. But I don't want to give up my phone, I don't want to be tracked, I don't want to have to check in, but I don't deserve autonomy. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to restore trust, because I'm the one that's making you paranoid. You weren't paranoid before I did this. When I tell you I'm going to the store, I made you question whether I'm going to the store because I was going to see Tasha, right, but here's the question, though. Here's the question on that, though I'm going to push you on this, doc, because I think, when we're having these conversations, I don't think I think people come in with what they believe to be a three-dimensional approach to marriage. But you are somebody who counsels people and, of course, married and of course, on November 9th, are doing this big event in cabo for, uh, couples at six, six column, six more spots available.
Speaker 1:Is it possible? Is it possible that a person was physically or emotionally unfaithful but they were pushed? Could it be that it was not necessarily, as I say, their fault, like? Could it be that they have a partner who has some significant like, who doesn't want to have sex with them regularly or with any motivation? You know there's very little joy in having unmotivated sex with anybody, right? You know who wants to do that. No one. It's all those things. So it's not a cookie-cutter approach, so it's one. You have serial cheaters. They never been faithful and they never going to be faithful and they thought you'd stay like auntie stayed, like grandma stayed, like mama stayed. So those serial cheaters, they always flame out because unless the partner is able to deal with that. So that's, that's one type Two you have someone who's cheated, but they're not a serial cheater, right?
Speaker 1:Whether it was hey, I've never had this much money and I never had a deal. I used to work for the Oklahoma City Thunder, right, used to be their team psychologist, doc, we were in Utah doing a seminar, right, I mean, I was doing a seminar for them in Utah, right, they don't want to see you in Atlanta, they don't want to see you in Chicago, la, they're not trying to hear anything. They're not trying to hear anything. They're out of there for that. They're out of there, right. But in Utah I get to the lobby and I say it must be a women's convention here in Utah. This is just a lot of women in the lobby, right as I'm prepping, and I realize these are women that are waiting on the guys to get off the bus, right, and come into the lobby.
Speaker 1:Low-hanging fruit, right Right in the temptation, right in your face. Hanging fruit, right the temptation, right in your face. So one. A lot of men say I got to a certain level of affluence. I've never been pursued or wanted like this in my life and this is difficult for me. I've always had to pursue. I've never had women throwing themselves at me that look nine and 10.
Speaker 1:I'm still in love with you. I love everything about you, but in that moment the temptation was undefeated and I did not have the self discipline. This is one thing. For me to refuse sister down the street, it's another thing. For me to refuse Riri, it's another thing. My wife can say no to the UPS man, but saying no to Usher, he's short though Usher's short. That's short though I should, I should short, that's okay. She could say he's really, really petite. She can say no to him. She's going to love this man. You know, you know and so, and another thing is that we're having dynamics that are leading to falling out of love, or what you're referring to, dr perry.
Speaker 1:I don't want to lose my marriage, but I need to supplement it something on the side to survive this thing. So I like everything about you but the sex. I like everything about you, but the fact that you were manipulative. Every single time we get into a disagreement. I like everything about you except you throw the money in my face. So I do go to a woman who appreciates or a man who appreciates me. I like everything you do for our kids. You're a family man, but you don't even look at me. When you come home you open up that laptop and work on those financials. So when a brother saw me at the gym, yes, I feel an itch was scratched, but I don't want to lose our marriage. So let's talk about what the issues are so we can fix that.
Speaker 1:Now here's the betrayal. You should have said it. You should have said I'm so sick of this, I'm going to go out here and I'm going to be with somebody else. You ain't going to never hear it in the streets. Whatever you hear in the streets is going to be true because I'm telling you. So is that possible? Is it possible to renegotiate the terms of a traditional marriage? You know what no-transcript pretender I wish you would have just said look, it's not fulfilling for me. So I am, my eye is roaming. So is a modern marriage? Is a modern marriage strong. So now is the modern marriage strong? Say what now? Is the modern, traditional marriage strong? Does it have a future?
Speaker 1:Most couples don't deal with infidelity. It's, I think, looking at the rate, like 40% right, 40% might have about and that's who reports now. So take that with self-report. It's a lie by design. So I can't imagine somebody who's going to lie by design telling the truth to a survey Of that 40%. Most of those do not have repeat infidelity because it kills the marriage right now. There's still a percentage to where this is just gonna. This is gonna be what. It is, all right, but most marriages we see are in a really good state now.
Speaker 1:Now here's, here's the here's the issue that's straining marriages right now. Society right, anytime it's economics. So the gender role flip right is stressing brothers, right. It's also stressing sisters, because most women and you know this, doc, most women do not want to be head of household financially. Her fantasy is that her husband somehow doubles his income or matches her income. And then they ask her about the bills. She doesn't know. I don't know how much this house costs. I don't know how much the car costs. I don't know what our life insurance, my husband makes sure that me and the kids don't want for anything. So, whatever my money is, I can do what the heck I want to do it. That's the dream of almost every woman. They want the option to work but not have to deal with any finances. If they don't have to, if their man can hold it down, that's their wish. Right, all right, and so it's.
Speaker 1:It's important that couples have to negotiate you know those things and be on the same page. So most, most marriages because here's why most marriages are now seeking marriage counseling most marriages are going to marriage counseling, reading books, looking at podcasts because they do not want to divorce. Why Our kids? It's going to be hard and right, especially right now, especially in a fluent couple. I spent all this time for this image to be able to have these country clubs, to be able to have these cars, and you want to split half of that and I see my kids half of the time and I have to give you half have these cars and you want to split half of that and I see my kids half of the time and I have to give you half my 401k. And I'm 55 this don't take me a long time to get that 500 000. Okay, I'm what you. There's a. There is a certain threshold of age that when you crossed it, you crossed it. You can't make that money back. It's a wrap. So so it becomes real.
Speaker 1:Call it gray divorce. It's a term. Gray divorce, it's gray divorce. So gray divorce when you divorce with gray hair. So basically, when you divorce after 50, all right, people start thinking economics can I make this money back? Can I sustain any semblance of lifestyle which I've come accustomed to, right? Can I do that? Am I willing to go from private school to public school even though our kids are all in public school, right? Am I willing to do that? Am I willing to come out of the country club? Am I willing to downsize my vehicle? Am I willing to downsize my neighborhood and how big my house is and my savings, and have to work 10 more years after 65. A lot of people not willing to do that. So we're going to either work it out or we're going to find something else.
Speaker 1:So before folks just decide to thug it out and work through whatever it is, imagine in that intimacy sex in particular is. It plays a pretty big role in the satisfaction or dissatisfaction of a relationship. However, people have different libidos, um, different interests. How does a couple navigate what could be profoundly different sexual proclivities? All right, ooh, that's why I always love that we talk, man, and I'm just you know, it's nothing like you know being asked hard questions, all right. So let's talk about which end, all right.
Speaker 1:So, towards the beginning of the marriage, there's usually a sexual incompatibility where the man wants more sex than the woman, but the older that couple gets post 40, it is the opposite. The woman's libido is at the highest and it's men who are refusing their wives because their libido is no longer what it once was. So you have this libido shift, right. So it's happening at both ends of the continuum. Early on, women are like damn, how much does this? I was just with him yesterday and the day before. The day before, I feel like a machine. And then at 40, that's where you had this cougar phenomenon. At 40, you're like man, I'm looking better than I looked at 30 and 20. My libido is on fire and you don't want me. Come on now.
Speaker 1:So what couples are doing is that one? Uh, they are talking about it, but here's the thing and it's a plug for weekend, for love we have a sex expert coming in every year and this weekend for love. She's going to give others when we're not in love, the 10th all right, but she's doing this thing called the erotic blueprint. Doc, I took this thing and it's probably too much information, man, for the general pop. You are no know those questions.
Speaker 1:My style is energy. I'm an energy, my style. So I want to respond to energy. Right Now you might have a partner that responds to spontaneity or some level of if I can be real, we're talking to grown folks some level of kink or eroticism. So if we're together and we're doing new things and we're pushing the envelope, I like that. Now, here's the thing when couples come together, you can see someone saying, hey, I ain't down with that freaky dick, that stuff that you want to do, and another person like you know what. It depends on the energy, right. My desire to be with you depends on not only my energy but definitely your energy. Now, if you're driving it like it's hot and you're coming in and you're aggressive, oh, I'm on fire for you, right? Or another brother, if you're submissive and you're quiet and you're respectful and you kind of do that little thing with your hips, you're quiet. Brothers and sisters have different styles. So couples are taking these quizzes, having a conversation and meeting halfway. So if you be high energy for me and I push the envelope that I'm comfortable with for you, then we're going to have a great marriage.
Speaker 1:So would it be the responsibility of the partner to expand their repertoire? For sure, but how far does one have to go? Because, as the song says, can you match my freak Like? How far does your partner have to go in order to fulfill one's intimate desire Before that person would have to become a different person entirely? You get with a second person?
Speaker 1:First of all, married couples actually have higher satisfying sex lives than people who are single, which is surprising. And it's because they're talking, it's because we're actually making love, not just having sex. You know, as a man you can have sex. After a while, you know, it just becomes something that you do. Right, like the celebrities, they can have sex with 40 different women On Woman 33, it starts to lose its luster. Right, it's just the same old thing. I'm going to take your word for that one. But I got you, I got you. I don't know anything about that either, bro. We have to add Treson or something like that, all right. So we have to get satiated. So it's like chocolate. You know the study. So the more chocolate you get, the less likely you are to enjoy it based upon right.
Speaker 1:So married couples actually want to make love, we want to build something, we want to be in unison, we want to be connected, all right. So here's the thing, though, but most couples will tell you here's the thing, you're looking for a couple with high marital satisfaction. They have high connection, high peace, high fun and high eroticism. All right, but I'm going to stay there for a second though, doc. So here we go.
Speaker 1:So then the question becomes if such a thing as a connection, then there could also be a misfire. What if the person that you love and are married to is not the person with whom you've had the best, let's say here, sexual chemistry? With what do you do? Yeah, I mean, come on now. Unfortunately, you know, a lot of people did not wait until they got married to have sex. So they have compared who has it Eyes, they have memories, right, and so what we find is that your ability to satisfy your partner. So here's what we're looking for.
Speaker 1:So there's this eroticism formula. So you're looking for desire, right, which increases arousal. So are we able to have foreplay? Do you think about me? Where are we, are we? Are we throughout the day? You're talking about a couple with high marital satisfaction. They think about each other. They know how to tease, they know how to say, they know how to change their hair to blonde. You go put your fire suit on. Chemistry, is chemistry right, like some people? Oh, no, you can. You can, you can make chemistry.
Speaker 1:You now, now, when it's way off, you know the answer is no, okay, let's keep it a book, all right. But when it's, but when it's in in bounds, yes, you can be. It's what that whole sexual, that's what the whole um eroticism blueprint is. Yeah, if you come to my level, if you start, if you want to explore some things, if you're okay with pushing the envelope, if we're able to have a conversation that god intended for us to have the best sex and we don't need to be in one position, right, right, that's not in the Bible, right? So if you're okay with that, hey brother, if you're okay with going to the gym and increasing your testosterone and doing Kegel exercises so that you can have stamina, so that you can last long enough for me to get to the promised land. If you come out of your traditional ways of not being using, I'm going to keep this PG.
Speaker 1:You know most women get to the climax not through penetration but through oral stimulation. If you're willing to get over whatever you've been getting over and stimulate me and do a little education about how my body responds, now we can have chemistry because we're talking. So you think you can manufacture chemistry. I don't think you can manufacture it, but I do think if we're talking about sexual intimacy, you can ask a woman what she likes, how she feels, what she needs. Does she need slow hands or fast hands? How aroused is she? What is her favorite thing to do? What sets the mood?
Speaker 1:You absolutely can take a brother who desires a woman to initiate, even though you may think that's unladylike, and now desire him. This is what you see in a lot of infidelity when they start talking about it. What was it about this brother? I like this brother's swag. This brother had confidence. When this brother walked in the room, it was just something about him and you lost that. You had it and you lost it. I want to say that, old enough to me and tell me what she wanted in my ear. I liked it, and so a lot of times they're able to have these conversations. For the first time, let's just stay there for a second.
Speaker 1:Two people, three people whatever a person is who they are, but another person can bring parts of them out that only that person can. It's like a woman has three friends it's the one she says girl, one she says girl and it's one she says girl. She's not going to tell all three of them the same information Not going to happen. There's one she's going to call when she wants to validate a really bad decision she's about to make. There's one she's going to want to tell her that it wasn't that bad a decision. And then there's another one who she's going to call who's going to help her pray through the bad decision right. So each one of these people she has a chemistry with as friends, I would imagine that one or two women who are married today had an experience with somebody in their past call it a bad boy, call it a good boy, call it whatever he was who, to bar from Michael Jackson, rocked their world, but he was not an earner, he was not a good dude, but he damn sure, put it down.
Speaker 1:She has a good dude, she has an earner. He is going to do the girl's hair, he is going to go to her sister's wedding with her and he's going to be on time, but he's not that dude who's going to blow her back out. What does she do, knowing that the best sexual experiences that she's ever had are in her past for the rest of her life? So you're talking as a man. Women don't operate that way. Emotions are a large part of libido, right? So you're caring for me and you are kind to me. You anticipate needs, you are gentle, you are soft, you are caring, you are willing to explore my body and you're willing to have foreplay and you're willing to make love to me.
Speaker 1:So we're talking about better love making. We're just talking about thrust, so so you give me the whole experience. So I make love to you for an hour, because 20 minutes we're doing foreplay, right. We're doing foreplay right, and then you and then we're having sexual chemistry, because you already know my body. When I begin to moan, you already know multiple stimulation. You already know when I want to turn. When I start moan, you already know multiple stimulation. You already know when I want to turn. When I start moving my hips, you already start dipping to get me because we have that chemistry I can't get with brother bad boy, who probably is going to give me an STD, not an STD, right, right.
Speaker 1:You see what I'm saying. And doesn't have a job. There's nothing sexy about that. Ain't making no money. He got five kids by four different women. Ain't nothing attracted to that brother. The older that woman gets, right.
Speaker 1:So we start talking about love. Is the difference between lovemaking and sex. So, in your opinion, come really to the top of this. And, folks, you know, I see a lot of y'all trying to join and want us to pull you in next time, next time. But if you had to, since you put your hands on the forehead of a couple they were preparing to embark upon this thing called marriage, what would you want them to know going forward? All right, keep God first.
Speaker 1:Here's why, when they did a study, the lowest divorce rate are couples who believe in God and practice godly principles. So just being a believer is not going to save you. You're going to have the same divorce rate as the world. But couples who spend time together, study the word together, go to church together, do devotionals together, fast together, go in the community right together have better marriages. Now, if you take non-believing couples couples that do the same thing we spend time together, we set goals together, we we may fast, do intermittent fasting together. Our health and wellness have nothing to do with god, but couples who actually spend the most time on the relationship have better marriages. So make sure the same thing you did to fall in love, you avoid the trap of the world of getting so busy, you take care of everything but the main thing, which is your feelings, because if I don't feel you, I don't care how fine you are, how rich you are, what history we have, we're not going to make it right. But if I feel you and the only way I can feel you is if we spend quality time together in each other's heads and hearts.
Speaker 1:Am I talking to Dr Perry about his dreams and ambitions? I know what they were two years ago and it's the same as right now. I need to be on the epicenter of what my man is thinking. I need to know the epicenter of what my wife is thinking. I need us to be able to have a conversation about wanting to mix it up when it comes to sex. I want to have a conversation about hey, I'm tired, I think I want to take a break. You should be able to hold it down financially. I've been holding it down so I can figure out what I want to do for three months because I'm having some health concerns. I just want to rest right.
Speaker 1:So, main thing I'd say keep God first, keep godly principles. In verb form noun, you're not a believer. Do the things to help you stay connected right and the minute you start having issues, go see someone. Don't wait three years. When you coming in to me with non affairs, you know, shot your mother. You get what I'm saying. So, as we come to a close cause, you got a lot of folks up here who've got a lot to say.
Speaker 1:So I'm going to ask everybody in the comments if you had one thing to say, assuming you are or were married. If you had one thing to say to a couple about to embark upon marriage, what would it be? Put it in the comments. Please Put it in the comments. What would you say? What would you say? What would you say? Give dr tartan opportunity to respond to what you would say to a couple while they're doing that, dr tart.
Speaker 1:One of the things I know that I would say is be careful, what you say you will never put up with. That's good. Why? Because you will put up with it. Why? Because you will put up with it. Marriage does stretch you, brother. It will test you in ways in which you never thought you could be or never wanted to be For sure. I see Jesus is the glue. We see I'll go to a weekend for love. Yes, there's your plug right there, brother. I appreciate it.
Speaker 1:Let everybody know again when the weekend for love, weekend for love, where is it going to be? How do they get involved? What do we got For love? A weekend for love, premier destination for couples who want to make their marriage work, who are fluent. It's going to cost you a pretty penny now, when you look at them. This is in Los Cabos, right? You're going to have a Super Saturday where we give you all the skills that you need. It's going to be followed by, so it's going to be workshops.
Speaker 1:How you make things work, how do you get on the same page? This is not theoretical. This is how couples actually did it. What verbs, what nouns, what did you use? Right? Then there's a welcome party to make sure that you're in a good space. Then we have a nightcap, which is a sexual experience where you can make sure that you take your marriage to the next level as far as intimacy. And then we do a vow renewal. Imagine feeling in love again, like you got married again. So there's a vow renewal, followed by a reception and everything is over the top. Why? Because the world is over the top in the negative. We want you to be over the top.
Speaker 1:Spend three to four days simply focusing on the base, which is your marriage. That's where the family is based on the marriage. The businesses is based on the marriage, taking care of mom and dad based on the marriage. If the is based on the marriage, taking care of mom and dad based on the marriage, if the marriage breaks, all those things break. So A Weekend for Love. Come join us.
Speaker 1:It's in Los Cabos, november 7th through the 11th. How many seats available? How many seats available? Four seats available. Six more seats available. You need to get that by October. Get that by October so we can get everything situated.
Speaker 1:We give you red carpet treatment because y'all know y'all want the best rooms, you want the best experience, right, and so we're going to give you the experience like some of you never had for your wedding right. So we're excited about it and we're doing this because we know marriages need this and anyone that knows us and the Gaines, everything that is there. We're sitting right there doing the same exercises. So that's how we come up with what do we need? We need sexual intimacy. Yeah, we need some money management. Yeah, we need some this, we need some that. Everything that we need and other couples need, let's go get it. Let's sit down. Let's sit down and work through it. So, even if I'm giving a workshop, mecca's up there and whatever we're dialoguing about and I'm telling them to dialogue about it we're dialoguing about it because we have the same stuff as everyone else.
Speaker 1:There's no perfect couple, but will you make perfect adjustments so that you can build a legacy? My man Brother, it's always a pleasure to have you on. I truly, truly, truly enjoy it. I learned a lot. I hope folks understand that the smartest person in the room is always the one with the best questions. So be the smartest person in the room, dr Tartt, soart, so, so, so, so happy to talk to you again, really excited.
Speaker 1:A weekend for love November. Where do they go to find out about it? Where do they go? Yeah, go to a weekend for love dot com. A weekend for love dot com. Take good care of yourself, alright, sir. Thank you so much. Take good care of yourself. All right, sir. Thank you so much. You take good care of yourself.
Speaker 1:Hey, doc, thank you for what you do for our children, thank you for what you do for the legacy of education, thank you for what you do for the community. There are things that I know that other people don't know that you do because you're somewhat quiet about it when it comes to the private battles, not only in education, but just for the culture, brother. So thank you for what you represent. When it comes to just Black academia, people see you and they say not only can I do this, but I can create a vehicle, create a legacy that has an impact on children's, children's children, because of what you started and what you're expanding, brother. So thank you for who you are. Appreciate you.
Speaker 1:Next time I'm down in Atlanta we all got to catch up, let's do it. My brother, I'm going to be down for parents weekend. Oh, yeah, I just left that for Howard. My brother, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll be down there for more houses. Parents weekend yeah, yeah, got to get weekend. Yeah, yeah, gotta get that administration right. But that's a whole other lie. A whole other lie. You know that's right. Alright, y'all take it easy, alright, peace.