The Suburban Women Problem - Season 2, Episode 47

Amanda: Hi everyone. Thanks for joining us. I'm Amanda Weinstein.  

Jasmine: I'm Jasmine Clark.  

Rachel: I'm Rachel Vindman.

Amanda: And you're listening to The Suburban Women Problem. This week is Thanksgiving, so we don't have a regular episode. Instead, we want to share what we are thankful for and play some messages from you about what you're thankful for too. It's kind of like we're all sharing a big community Thanksgiving Toast to Joy. 

Rachel: I love it. 

Amanda: Yay. All right, so I'll start us off. So I am especially thankful, especially coming off a campaign, for grandparents. Man do I love me some grandparents, they are the secret sauce that helped us manage our lives and campaign. From Grammy, Grampy, Grandma Bonnie, Grandma Pat and Grandma Barbara, right, there are so many grandparents that support our just general lives, that deal with so much stuff from last minute sleepovers, pickups for ninja class, dinners with kids, taking kids to Sunday school. I mean, I could, you know, go on and on and on. The list of unpaid work that they help us with is pretty amazing. So I am definitely thankful for grandparents. 

Jasmine: I love it. Me too. 

Amanda: Mom! You wanna come say hi? Actually, my mother-in-law is here right now. 

Jasmine: Oh, that's so cute. 

Amanda: This is Grandma Bonnie. Grandma Bonnie, you wanna say hi? 

Grandma Bonnie: Hi everyone, how are you? 

Rachel: Hi! Hi Grandma Bonnie.  

Amanda: How's it been like with the kids? 

Grandma Bonnie: Uh… good. 

Amanda: Slow paced, relaxing. Oh, yes, she's ready. She's ready for a vacation.

Grandma Bonnie: I've had lots of sleep. Lots of sleep. No interrupted sleep at all. No kids in my bed.

Rachel: She's ready for a vacation, Amanda. 

Grandma Bonnie: It's been so fun and I love listening to Amanda's podcast.

Amanda: She's been listening to us. 

Jasmine: Aww, I love that. 

Amanda: Bye bye. Thanks, Grandma Bonnie. 

Jasmine: Aww. Super cute.

Rachel: That's a nice cameo. You know, grandparents were such a huge part of my life growing up, we lived in the same town as my dad's parents, and my mom's parents lived not very far away, and we saw them often and they were such a huge part of my life growing up. And it's really one of my biggest regrets that Ellie didn't get to know my parents.

Amanda: I get it. I mean, that's really hard. They're a part of you and they're a part of, you know, your family and even who Ellie is. Yeah. 

Rachel: You know, I mean, it's, it's hard. I think so many times we envision things like, the good parts, we want to always replicate that, but get rid of the bad. And life just doesn't like that. I mean, you know, it's not possible to only keep the good and get rid of the bad, as much as we want to. So her life is full and different and many other ways. She lives just down the street from Alex's twin brother and, you know, they're a huge part of our lives. And eventually, you know, I’ve been threatening but eventually we will move somewhere else and there will be other people in her life. 

And you know, I think it's important to remember that even though we don't have exactly what we wanted, it doesn't mean that it's not rich and full all at the same time. And that's something that's, you know, really hard for me. 

You know, when I was thinking about what I'm thankful for for this episode this morning, we're basically celebrating three years since Alex's public testimony and… or not celebrating, but the anniversary of that, and I think of, you know, just how dramatically our life changed. And I talk a lot about how I mourn that life because I miss so much of being a military spouse and the predictability and everything. 

But then in the mornings when we're both home with Ellie, when she's gonna go to school and when the carpool comes to pick her up, and she says to Alex, “are you gonna go outside with me?” and he’s like, “of course I am,” I can tell just that joy that comes to her. So there's still beauty in the different. Even if it's not what you want it to be. 

Jasmine: It’s not the plan.

Rachel: Right. And it's taken me almost 49 years to embrace this.  

Amanda: I will also say, like, you find your family and your family might be uncles, aunts, grandparents, or it might be cousins, right, but it also might be your neighbors. So we also, I mean, the same thing, you know, the same thing about… we have some neighbors here that I consider to be family and moving away from them would be hard.

Rachel: Yeah, I've had that a lot of times and, and I've moved away from them because of the military, but they're still part of our life. And you look back at that season of your life and how special those people were to you and you know, and they might cycle back into your life at different times, but I think that's just something that comes with age and embracing those things.

But I, I've definitely learned, and I'm very thankful for this lesson, that it doesn’t have to be exactly what you wanted for it to still be beautiful and wonderful. And you can mourn something and still be happy with where you are at the very same time. And it sounds a little confusing, but if you let yourself and you sit with it for a minute, you can see that you can hold both those things at the same time and still be tremendously satisfied and happy. And I think getting to that place and kind of just being okay with all of it is really what, what I'm most thankful for. 

Amanda: I feel that. I feel that about the military, people we know too, that leaving the military was really hard for us. It was, it was a different kind of family and community and we do miss that. I'm sure similar to the way, Rachel, you and your husband do. That's hard. But, you know, we connect to it in a different way now and have made, you know, different connections.

Jasmine: Absolutely. All right. So I'm trying to think of what I'm thankful for. Last week I talked about how I'm thankful for winning my election. For today though, I think I wanna focus more on my family as well. I'm thankful for a quality time with my family, and that's just because I genuinely do not have a lot of time. Like time is not something that I can, I just have laying around on the kitchen counter, you know, waiting for me to pay attention to it. Like, no, I really don't have it. And so I really cherish the moments where I get to watch my daughter play in her basketball game and she's been doing very well by the way, she's been having an excellent season. 

Amanda: Yay! My daughter Nora started playing basketball and she absolutely loves it. She is not good at it. I won't, you know, if you meet her, don't tell her this. She's not good at it, but she loves it, she loves it. And she has not liked any other sport she's tried. So it is so fun to see her face light up when she gets out there. Even when she misses a shot. She's like, “that's fine, I'll try again.” And I’m like, good job girl. 

Jasmine: She should have a conversation with Jada cause Jada definitely does not get, is not happy or not even like… no one's happy when they miss a shot, but Jada gets really in her feelings about it. But you know, at the end of the day, she's just really growing as an athlete and I really love watching it. 

I also am thankful for my son. He doesn't live with me all the time, so I don't get to see him as much. But you know, my son is a teenager, he is 16 years old, and he makes it a point to call his mama and FaceTime me.

Amanda: Aww! You have done well!

Jasmine: And you know, sometimes I'm like, “oh, what is he calling for?” And he literally will be like, “oh, I don't want anything. What are you doing?” And I'm just like, I love that so much. It really makes my heart smile that my 16 year old son is like, “I wanna talk to my mom.” 

And also just like time with my dad, and also with my mom, just family in general. I'm a very family oriented person and, you know, getting the opportunity to spend that time with my family is really, really important to me and I want to pass that down to my kids. That, you know, just family time and we've been talking about family and what that definition is and it can be different for different people. 

I just want my kids to cherish those types of moments because this world can be brutal. Going through an election is brutal. You know, going into a runoff is brutal. But there are people surrounding you. Like my neighbors across the street that were so sweet, they bought me flowers and a card after my election. You know, I'm thanking them and they're literally just like, they're super excited and you know, that's family to me. Even though we don't share any blood by any stretch of the imagination. So I just enjoy it. I cherish that so much. So I'm thankful for my family and I'm thankful for the time that I get with my family. Even if it is limited, I cherish it so, so much.

Rachel: You know what I, I think is so important about that when I'm listening to you is that a lot of us in this journey that have, you know, lost friends or just had encounters with people in this crazy political discourse is that… I think the right really tries to co-opt that sense of family and, you know, values. And certainly religion, they've certainly tried to co-op that. But it exists on both sides. 

Jasmine: Oh yes. Oh yes. 

Rachel: And I, I just think it's important to celebrate that and yourself and whatever form family comes to you. But you know, you're right that this is a crazy world. And loneliness is a problem for a lot of people. Just go out there. It might not look like what you thought it was gonna look like, but making connections and having connections with people is so important. And, and I encourage everyone to do that, to be open and let's connect. Cause I think that's another thing that we've really learned in having these conversations with people is that we've gotta listen and we've just gotta extend that hand and let everyone know that we don't, we are not gonna agree on everything, but it doesn't keep us from being nice. Even if the other side is not. I mean, that doesn't control our actions, right? It is taking care of what you can control, which is yourself and that humanity.  

Amanda: And when we think about it, we all see our country, I think, as divided. Even after this election, we still see it as divided. But the way that we combat that is through connection. 

Rachel: Right. Not feeding into it. 

The day after the election, you guys, or the week, you know, the next week I watched stuff and I was like, “are these people living in the same country as I am?” And, and it was, I mean, you know, it's crazy. But at the same time, they have been fed so much garbage. And so, have a little bit of grace. There's no reason to sit and, and be abused or listen to abuse, I'm not saying that. But you know, take into account that people really believe this and there's gonna be an element of deprogramming as tjey realize the whole thing isn't falling apart. But give them a minute.

Amanda: And have faith in people. Like I think if you put in the time and like, and I know Jasmine, you've probably seen knocking doors, when you put in the time and you do a little face time with people, they might come around more than you think. Like they true may not change who they are, but I think we need to have a little more faith in humanity. But it takes that time.

Jasmine: And healing 

Amanda: Yes. And healing. And so even so my husband and I, when we were in Montreal taking a little break on my. We were like, “oh, should we get the kids something like a little toy or something?” And I was like, “No, one, they don't need any more toys. But also I think, you know, kids really want your presence, not your presents, right? And so we got there and our kids said, like, “Hey, can we do a game night?” And I think they appreciated that board game we played more than… 

Jasmine: Oh, that's totally me. I would be your kids. I would be like, “oh, this, this toy is great. But what would really be fun is if we all played Uno. That's what I wanna do.” So I'm, I'm that. I'm like, I think I'm like that just in life though. I'm more of a quality time person cause I feel like things can sometimes go away, they fade, they get lost, they get thrown in a drawer. But time is something that you just, you can't really get it back. So cherish it. 

Rachel: Well, now I think we need to share some of our voicemails from listeners about what they're grateful for. Do you guys wanna hear 'em?

Amanda: Absolutely. I'm excited. 

Jasmine: Yeah. I can't wait. 

Listener 1: Hi everybody. My name's Jen Coleslaw and I'm calling in from Northern Virginia, and I wanted to let you know that I'm thankful for the fact that no matter what is going on in my neighborhood or my town, or my state, or my country or my world, that there will always be people fighting with me and for me. Thank you, Happy Holidays. 

Listener 2: Hi. I am so thankful that the American people have made their voices very loud and very clear that they are not going to stand for the kind of election denying fallacies that a lot of the more extremists in the Republican party have been pushing. And I am really thankful that the young voters turned out and voted in huge record numbers.

And I'm also super thankful that American women said, no, you cannot come for our fundamental human rights and our reproductive freedom and bodily autonomy, period. And I'm just, I'm so thankful for democracy. So that's it. Happy Thanksgiving. 

Listener 3: Hi, this is Stacy from Bay Michigan and I am thankful for all the politicians that are trying to fight the good fight, even though they are criticized 24/7, threatened, and made fun of and have to constantly defend their positions. 

I'm also thankful for the Gen Zs and the millennials that came out to vote in this past election. Ad for your podcast in educating me in the topics and current flights that we have going on today. Happy Thanksgiving everybody. 

Listener 4: This is Nancy from Minnesota. I'm grateful for many personal things, for good health and amazing family and good friends, but this year I am especially grateful for a country that stood up and did the right thing. We're not perfect. We have a long way to go before we're all in this country are valued and can thrive. But as citizens, we came together to say no to the greedy power at all costs people who would use this country for their own personal gain. Our democracy held by a thread, but it held. We have so much work yet to do, but we have taken a big step in the right direction. And for that I am grateful. 

Listener 5: Hey, this is Jill. I was just calling to share what I'm thankful for, and I would say this year more than anything, it's community. And especially my local community that is organizing and standing up against extremists in our school district. I am incredibly thankful for them and appreciate them so much. Thanks. Bye. 

Listener 6: I am grateful for you because you use your intellect and energies to remind us what is important, what is decent, and just what is at stake. Thank you for empowering us to all go for it. 

Listener 7: I'd like to say I am thankful for the three of you and the Suburban Woman Problem podcast. You have given women hope and a voice, and I am very grateful to you. Thank you. 

Listener 8: I am thankful for Red Wine and Blue. I am thankful, so thankful, for you helping. I live in Michigan and it was dark for a while, but you've made it great. So happy Thanksgiving and here we go. 

Katie Paris: Well, hello everyone. It's Katie Paris, the founder of Red Wine and Blue. Thank you for doing this. I love a good gratitude practice and I'm so grateful for all of you. What I wanna share that I am most grateful for in this moment, just a week and some change after the midterm elections, is just so much gratitude for the women in the Red Wine and Blue community who have taken a leap of faith on this wild journey, together building this fierce community of women who, many of whom have never done anything political before, never stepped out of their comfort zones in quite this way before. But they did it out of knowing that they had that fierceness inside. They have stepped up so many times in their lives for their kids, for other people in their community, and they found it in them to do it in a big way in these last months. 

I pinch myself every day, honestly, to even believe that we have hundreds of thousands of women doing this with us in this community. I'm just so grateful not to be alone on this journey of Red Wine and Blue. I haven't felt alone for a minute, and it just gets better every single day. Thank you, all of you.

Rachel: Well, thanks again so much for listening and for being part of this community. Enjoy your holiday week and we will see you again next week on another episode of The Suburban Women Problem.