“All relationships depend on forgiveness… How, in our deepest relationships, can we forge ahead from pain toward healing, from sadness to renewal?”

—  Dr Elliot Malamet

Is there a relationship in your life that needs mending?

This episode of Living Jewishly is an instalment of Crossing the Sea, a podcast that explores Judaism and mental health.

Yom Kippur is a time of atonement in which we challenge accountable actions. 

The High Holidays are also a period of reflection and inner work, as we work toward forgiveness for these flaws and mistakes — both in terms of our relationships with others and with ourselves. 

Humans are storytellers. When we feel hurt, betrayed, or wronged, we firstly need to find an explanation for the betrayal... and this often involves blaming ourselves or others.

In this episode, you’ll hear several accounts of forgiveness framed within the tellers’ relationship with Judaism.

From finding empowerment in changing our story, repairing by communicating our hurt, and choosing redemption, the stories shared reveal how we must transform ourselves, emotionally and spiritually, to fix relationships and hopefully make them whole again.

“Isn’t it ironic that the person who hurts you most, if you actually forgive them, they’ve caused you to change, theoretically, for the better.”

— Rabbi Yossi Saberman

This‌ ‌episode discusses:‌ ‌

• Why absolution can be a burden for Jews because our concept of G-d is ineffable 
• Why premature forgiveness as promoted by religious doctrine (martyr syndrome) can be a formula for further damage
• How we need to reconstruct the narrative in order to close the chapter on a hurt or betrayal to find value in forgiveness 

 ‌  

Highlights:‌ ‌

00:52  Introduction   

02:30  Lisa Morrison & authenticity 

04:33  Validation  

06:30  Unforgivable actions

07:30  Stoic forgiveness 

08:25  Forgiveness has many faces

09:02  Self-forgiveness 

12:28  Rabbi Batya Hefter & blind spots

14:25  Dr Robert Karen & repair

16:09  Communicating hurt

17:10  Winning & blame

18:43  So when did this start?

21:11  Timing, encouragement & imperative

23:58  Dr Zindel Segal & ritualistic resolution

26:01  Martyr syndrome & protective boundaries

27:56  Redemption is a choice

28:52  Close the chapter

30:41  ​​Forgiveness as emotional risk

31:36  Rabbi Shmuly Yanklowitz & formative forgiveness 

34:23  Self-forgiveness & childhood trauma

37:29  Growing into responsibility

39:09  Dr Robert Karen & parental models

41:45  Dr Allan Kaplan & transformational forgiveness

44:25  Spirituality & Tikkun olam

46:44  Rabbi Yossi Saberman & letting go

47:34  Repentance & self-transformation

49:41  “I hope to have a good past” 

51:07  Rosh Hashanah & urgency 

52:21  Yom Kippur

Links:‌ ‌ 

To get in contact or learn more about Living Jewishly:  

Visit‌ ‌our ‌website: https://livingjewishly.org  

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Watch us on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCO2YEegjapKpQeXG6zh6tzw   

or send us an email at hello@livingjewishly.org.  

Shalom!