Authentic Growth: Overcoming Self-Improvement's Dark Side

Have you ever achieved everything you thought you wanted — yet still felt empty inside?

In this raw and transformative conversation, Kevin Palmieri, founder of the globally ranked Next Level University podcast, reveals the dark side of self-improvement and the missing link to true fulfillment.

At the peak of external success — earning six figures, dating a model, preparing for a bodybuilding show — Kevin hit rock bottom, alone in a hotel room, contemplating ending it all. That moment cracked open a deeper mission: to become the person he desperately needed in his darkest hour.

In this episode, Kevin vulnerably dismantles the illusion that personal development alone brings happiness. Instead, he offers a revolutionary perspective:

Self-relationship is the foundation. Self-improvement is only what you build on top.

Through intimate stories, hard-earned wisdom, and simple yet profound practices, Kevin shares:

✨ Why starting embarrassingly small leads to lasting change
✨ How "grateful ambition" balances acceptance with growth
✨ Why vulnerability is your hidden superpower
✨ The real reason massive goals often sabotage consistency
✨ The 2 self-check questions that can shift every decision you make

If you've ever felt burned out by chasing goals, stuck in comparison, or unsure why success still feels empty — this episode will meet you exactly where you are.

Listen now and rediscover the missing piece that makes growth sustainable, self-honoring, and deeply fulfilling.

🎧 Learn more about Kevin and his work at →
www.nextleveluniverse.com

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Lift One Self
• 5:31 Kevin's Journey From Rock Bottom
• 15:50 Self-Improvement vs Self-Relationship
• 21:24 Creating Sustainable Habits
• 33:02 The Shadow Side of Growth
• 42:55 Developing Self-Compassion
• 48:53 Closing Thoughts and Resources

Transcript

NatNat: 0:00

Welcome to the Lift One Self podcast, where we break mental health stigmas through conversations. I'm your host, nat Nat, and we dive into topics about trauma and how it impacts the nervous system. Yet we don't just leave you there. We share insights and tools of self-care, meditation and growth that help you be curious about your own biology. Your presence matters. Please like and subscribe to our podcast. Help our community grow. Let's get into this. Oh, and please remember to be kind to yourself.

Kevin Palmieri: 0:35

Welcome to the Lift One Self podcast. I'm your host, nat Nat, and today we're going to talk about self-development and what that looks like for you. Also, we're going to talk about self-development and what that looks like for you. Also, we're going to talk about growth, and not in the way that you may think it is. We're going to talk about the shadow side of it, that a lot of people aren't being real and bringing you to where you are and where you can go, not giving you some imaginary places where it feels like the donkey, always chasing the carrot but not being able to really attain it. So our guest today is Kevin, and he's going to walk us through what he has discovered for himself and what he offers to his clients. So, kevin, could you introduce yourself to myself and the listeners and let us know a little bit about yourself?

Speaker 3: 1:23

Yes. So first of all, nat Nat, I appreciate you having me. I am Kevin Palmieri. I am the founder and the host of Next Level University. We're a global top 100 podcast with 2035 episodes, I think, as of today, and I've been a full-time podcaster and coach for the last eight years and I just love helping people get to the next level and I think that always starts from the inside. The best growth always starts from the inside out, and we're going to talk today about some of the downsides of that. It seems as well.

Kevin Palmieri: 1:56

Yeah, that is no small number, recording that many episodes, and I know a lot. The podcast has that many episodes and I know a lot. The podcast has bloomed because of COVID and people were stuck indoors, yet you're a veteran before this happened. So I have some questions about you know your commitment and dedication in that space. So a lot of people don't realize the back end and how much work you know goes into that. And before we started recording, we were talking about the technology fumbles that go on, that we have to deal with some of the frustration and everything else. So I'm looking forward to diving deep with you and finding out you know, some things that you have to offer and possibly seeing some things about myself too. Before we start, will you join me in a mindful moment so that we can ground ourselves?

Speaker 3: 2:46

Absolutely, I'm looking forward to it.

Kevin Palmieri: 2:48

So for the listeners, as you always hear, safety first. If you're driving, don't close your eyes. Yet the other prompts you're able to follow through so you can do a little check-in with yourself. So, kevin, I'll ask you to get comfortable in your seating and, if it's safe to do so, gently close your eyes and you're going to begin breathing in and out through your nose and you're going to bring your awareness to watching your breath. You're not going to try and control your breath, you're just going to let it be in its natural state, allowing it to guide you into your body. There may be some sensations or feelings coming up let them surface.

NatNat: 3:35

You're safe to feel.

Kevin Palmieri: 3:38

You're safe to let go surrender the need to control release the need to resist and just be.

NatNat: 3:50

Be with your breath, drop deeper into your body.

Kevin Palmieri: 3:57

There may be some thoughts or to-do lists that have popped up, and that's okay.

NatNat: 4:02

Gently, bring your awareness back to your breath, creating space between the awareness and the thoughts and dropping deeper into the body, being in the space of presence, of being.

Kevin Palmieri: 4:24

Again, more thoughts may have popped up. Bring the awareness back to your breath, Beginning again, creating even more space between the awareness into the body being in that presence, being in now coming into your senses, into your breath, to the present moment, at your own time and at your own pace.

Kevin Palmieri: 5:15

You're going to gently open your eyes while staying with your breath. How's your heart doing so? What brought you on this path, kevin? I know there's a bit of a dark, shadowy part of it that brought it in, so would you be open to sharing that with the listeners?

Speaker 3: 5:32

Of course. Yeah, I was somebody who I was raised by my mom and my grandmother. I didn't know my dad. I didn't meet my dad until I was 27, with the understanding that he was my dad, and nobody expected me to be any level of successful, especially me. So I'm not saying those people were bad for thinking that, Trust me. I didn't believe it more than anybody. Didn't go to college because it just didn't make sense.

Speaker 3: 5:59

I worked a bunch of odd jobs. I was a gas station attendant, I cleaned bathrooms and floors at a hospital, truck driver, forklift operator, just anything I could do to try to pay the bills and I just got to a place where I remember thinking I was never going to be successful. I was like success does not even seem relatively reachable for me. Somehow I got a job in an industry called weatherization and I went from making 15 an hour to anywhere from 60 to 120 an hour that now I was convinced this is it. Hey, we did we somehow. We somehow achieved success.

Speaker 3: 6:38

Quote unquote so if you fast forward a few years, I was making good money. My girlfriend at the time was a model. I was getting ready to compete in a bodybuilding show, so I was quite literally in the best shape I will ever be in, had a nice car, nice new apartment, great friends. From the outside looking in, I was living the dream. Internally, I was a freaking mess Anxious, depressed, insecure, self-conscious, no self-belief, very little self-worth, just riding the struggle bus. Girlfriend leaves. I was not able to support her in the ways that she needed to be supported and to pour wind into her wings. I just wasn't capable of doing it. So when she left, that was my initial rock bottom Heartbroken eating disorder.

Speaker 3: 7:29

After my bodybuilding show, work got slow, just not a good place. I would love to tell you that's when I did the work. That is not when I did the work. I was like I need to make more money. That's the problem, I haven't made enough money. Yet I was like I need to make more money. That's the problem, I haven't made enough money.

Speaker 3: 7:45

So the next year I worked so hard and I ended up making $100,000 at 26, with no college degree, which that was my goal. If I could do that, everything would fix itself. Remember opening my final pay stub. I didn't feel any different. Externally, the bank account was good and I felt abundant there, but internally as scarce as you could be. I remember I had this moment where I thought to myself for most of my life I have lived unconsciously. The opposite of unconscious is hyperconscious. I want to live like that. So I did what any 26 or 27 year old manold man would do I started a podcast about it. It was called the Hyperconscious Podcast and I fell in love with podcasting and I fell in love with growth and I fell in love with self-awareness and deep conversations.

Speaker 3: 8:34

But, as you know, in the beginning there isn't a line out the door of people saying, hey, this is a great idea. How much money would you like us to give you so you can do it full time? I really wish that worked that way. So I had to keep going to this job that now I just hated. I was traveling for months at a time, staying in gross hotel rooms, staying up all night. It was just bad. So my depression got worse, my anxiety got worse. I was homesick before I even left and eventually I woke up in a hotel room getting ready for work.

Speaker 3: 9:06

One morning I was six hours away from where I lived and the best way to explain it is there was 10 televisions on in my head at the same time and every single one was on a different station. And one is saying you're stuck here forever. You got lucky, Kev. You can't leave here. You're never going to get lucky like this again. That doesn't happen. If you ever did leave this job, what would your friends think so much significance tied up in, I make a lot of money and my friends look at me differently. What's your family going to think so much significance in being the most quote unquote successful person in my family? And then the loudest and maybe most obvious one was what are you going to do? Are you going to do a podcast? That can't be the plan.

Speaker 3: 9:50

After this and in that moment, I thought to myself well, if I was just to take my life, I would take all my problems with me. And that is where the desire to do this and tell my story and be open and be vulnerable and be real and raw came from. I really want to be the person that I needed in that moment. That is my mission, that is my purpose. That's what I'm supposed to be doing. I reached out to a friend who I trusted. He's now my business partner. So it worked out. He gave me some really good advice and some really good perspective shifts. And then I ended up leaving that job three or four months later and I've been doing this full-time since then. For the vast majority of time it was full-time overtime, no pay, so we didn't just go from there to here, and maybe this is a lesson for all of us. This was definitely a big lesson for me.

Speaker 3: 10:43

I remember one day I was walking around my kitchen and I had left my job. I was the brokest I had ever been. I was the loneliest to that point I had ever been, and there was no prospect of success on horizon. I was proud of what I was doing and I actually felt a weird thing called fulfillment. And that was the first time I could ever check those three boxes. And I remember thinking I think I might be onto something here. As miserable as it is right now externally, there's some good stuff going on internally and I fell in love with that, and I fell in love with adding value to others. And here we are, many years later and we are doing it better than ever.

Kevin Palmieri: 11:25

Hopefully that's the goal, and they think, well, if I just put hard work in, it'll come, and it's like, well, if it doesn't feel good on the inside, you can have all the lavish things. Yet you're not getting that real fulfillment from inside. I want to ask you in your journey of self-improvement, how have you learned to distinguish between growth and honoring your current state of being?

Speaker 3: 12:04

It's a great question. I do a lot of reflection. So when I'm really high emotionally or really low emotionally, I look back because, very honestly, I don't know if I actually understand where I am. I think I do, but I don't know if I actually do. So I look back and I want to be super, super grateful for all that has happened from then until now. And then I think of the future and I want to stay ambitious to what I want to accomplish. So we call it grateful ambition.

Speaker 3: 12:41

I'm grateful for everything. I am so grateful for the human I've become and all the work I've done, the amazing opportunities and the roof over my head, all of that stuff. And I'm very ambitious to continue this mission and add more value and help more people and just rinse and repeat that forever. But I think it's the attempt to have daily gratitude through practice, not just saying it, showing it. I'm grateful for a strong, capable body. I better be in the gym every day proving that. I'm grateful for my wife. I better be showing that.

Speaker 3: 13:11

So yeah, I think I just try to make sure I'm walking the talk when it comes to that. But, very honestly, I have days where I wake up where I kind of sort of have to pinch myself. I don't really know how all this happened the way it did, so I think I start with gratitude because I don't think I feel like I'm playing with house money. I feel like that's the best way to put it. I'm very blessed to be here and I want to make sure I hang on to that. If I get arrogant, all of this goes away, and if I ever lose sight of how privileged I am to do this, all of this goes away, and it's very important for me that, that it doesn't. Obviously.

NatNat: 13:47

Understood.

Kevin Palmieri: 13:48

I want to ask you you know the part that wanted to end it all, or you know shut down. Does it ever come and whisper at times? And if it does, how do you hold the space of? Energy for it no it.

Speaker 3: 14:05

I'm convinced that what happened to me was my core values. My core beliefs and my core aspirations were all in conflict for too long. There were too many whispers that turned into screams that I just blocked out my core value of freedom and time freedom and being able to do what I want. I would consider this, maybe like a core value of freedom and time freedom and being able to do what I want. I would consider this, maybe like a core need of certainty. I traded both of those in almost completely for the core desire, the core aspiration, of making money. It's way less now because I've worked at it, but I was so certainty driven I would find out Sunday night what state I was working in and then Monday or Sunday night I'd pack my bag for however long I'd be gone, and I had never been to the state I didn't know where I was. It was just uncertainty all the time and I was driving six to 12 hours with somebody else sharing a van. We stayed in the hotel room together. There was no flexibility. I just that was what I did. So I had no certainty and no time freedom, but I was making a boatload of money. So I think I pushed down what would have been fulfilling to me for so long that eventually it just kind of broke.

Speaker 3: 15:25

A mixture of all that, and I always liken it to finding a key that you think will open the door, realizing that that key doesn't open the door. So then you go search for another key. The relationship was a key. Okay, that didn't the dream body, that was a key. Okay, that's it. The dream car that didn't work. And then eventually it's like the money must be it. That's the last remaining key. When you put it in and you turn it and the door doesn't open, it does strange things to your mind. So I think it was really a mixture of all of that. But no, I haven. I haven't had anything like that since. I still have days where it's like I would just rather lay in bed than do anything, but it's not like it used to be at all.

Kevin Palmieri: 16:16

Yeah, so can you let the listeners know what the difference is between self-improvement and self-relationship? Are they intertwined or is there a real difference?

Speaker 3: 16:27

I think they're very closely connected. Self-relationship is the way you look at yourself which dictates the way you feel about yourself, and I think the way you feel about yourself dictates how much you invest in yourself. And then self-development, self-improvement, development, self-improvement, personal development, self-help any of those labels is you recognizing the delta between where you are and where you aspire to be and then, hopefully in a positive, constructive way, filling in those gaps? Not beat yourself up, not, you're terrible.

Speaker 3: 17:01

It's not that it's to develop oneself. It's to improve oneself. You can improve something that's already great. You can improve something that's already capable. It doesn't mean that you're not capable, it just means that there's room to grow. And I think, as somebody who has spent the last eight years essentially every day growing, I have a long way to grow. There's a lot of growth left, even though I've grown a lot. So I think they're very closely related. But I think self-relationship dictates what self-improvement means. Well, I don't love myself, I'm going to self-improve myself to love. I don't think it really works that way. I think you got to start with the relationship with self figuring out where does that all tie in? Where does that come from? Where do you love yourself? And then you can improve that. I think self-relationship is the concrete foundation and self-improvement is the floors that you build on top.

Kevin Palmieri: 18:04

So where does habit land in there?

Speaker 3: 18:07

I think habit and habits in general are the requirement, is a concrete word the best way to improve, from my perspective at least. I'm somebody who struggled a lot with awareness. I didn't know what to do. When somebody tells me what to do, I'm really good at building habits because I genuinely want the result. So, yeah, habit is what you are doing day in and day out, whether it is or is not aligned with the life that you aspire to and then how it makes you feel about you. Habits are the behaviors that dictate whether or not you're going to achieve what you said you will, and at times they can feel constricting. At times it can feel concrete, for sure, and there's ways to work with that and to work around that. But yeah, it is essentially you say I want X goal, so I'm going to determine. That's the location. The GPS is essentially the habits. It's like all right, I'm going to do this which is going to lead to this result, which is going to lead to this result, and then you just check in. I'm a little off course. I feel like maybe I missed a turn somewhere. All right, let me redirect. And essentially, when you do that for long enough, I missed a turn somewhere. All right, let me redirect.

Speaker 3: 19:23

And, essentially, when you do that for long enough, when I started this journey, I tracked five habits and my business partner suggested it and I said I'm terrible, no, I don't want to do that Sounds terrible, I don't want to do that. And it was like, oh, this is something All right, so I can. If I know how much money's in my bank account, that's like good, now I have awareness and I can. Okay, cool, let me do that. And now it's I don't know how many, it's 20 something habits maybe. And now, when I wake up, I know exactly what I can be doing to get closer to my goals. And that level of certainty is and clarity is such a privilege. So, yeah, it essentially becomes the roadmap on how to get from where you are today to where you want to get to. And the beautiful thing about it is you can hit the gas harder, you can take your foot off the gas, you can hit the brakes, you can go in a different direction. There's a lot of flexibility within the consistency I would say.

Kevin Palmieri: 20:19

Say, if somebody is coming to you to ask about habits, and how do I start to create this and develop my self-awareness and consistency? Because the main thing is consistency. It's very easy to create something. It's very easy to dismantle the consistency. That's the hard part and that's where the journey and success is successes. So could you walk us through what that would look like? Like, say myself, I'm coming to you and I'm like I don't know how to do the habits and be consistent with it. So could you walk me through that?

Speaker 3: 20:50

Yeah, of course. So first thing I would ask you is where are you consistent? So we always dive in an identity. Identity is every, like you said, we can set the goals. That doesn't matter. It. Almost I could give you the habits, it doesn't matter. The identity is where we need to start.

Speaker 3: 21:05

So I'm looking for two things at all times. One, where are you currently consistent? We don't even have to talk about where you're not. Let's talk about where you currently are. Let's look for the bright spots. Well, you know, I'm very consistent when it comes to doing the dishes every night before I go to bed, because I just don't, I don't like waking up to a dirty kitchen. Cool, interesting. Okay, what happens when you wake up to a dirty kitchen? Well, I just I'm a little bit more anxious and I feel like I'm a little bit more on edge. Okay, cool, so we can, we can dig in that. So first thing I'm always trying to do is figure out okay, where are you already practicing the behavior you want? Always trying to do is figure out okay, where are you already practicing the behavior you want? That's one Second. Let's talk about, on a scale of zero to 10, how much you believe in yourself, because what if you're trying to be level 10 consistent with a level two self-belief.

Speaker 3: 21:59

It's not going to work. Right now I'm level eight self-belief. Level eight consistency. In the beginning, when I was tracking five habits, I was level two self-belief. If I saw what I do today, or I was advised to do what I do today, I would have said there's no chance I could ever do that.

Speaker 3: 22:17

So I want to figure out where somebody is in terms of self-belief and then the simplest framework is let's start with what's sustainable, let's practice that consistently and then, as we do it consistently, let's improve it by 1%. All of that, paired with we're going to throw you in one of the various accountability groups. So you're in a group with a bunch of other people who are doing the same thing you were doing and potentially struggling with the same thing you were. So we have a fitness accountability group. I post in there every day at the gym. You would be surprised at how much more consistent people are when they're in the group.

Speaker 3: 22:58

There's a night and day difference. There is Right, there's a night and day difference. So what we're looking for there is accountability making sure that the goals are the right size, also starting from a place of why do you want the goal? What's the goal of the goal. What's underneath it? Okay, you want to get in a certain level of physical conditioning? Why? Let's be really, really honest about that. I'm getting married in six months, awesome. But we don't need you to pretend that you want to run a marathon. If that's not why you're doing it, then it's not going to serve you.

Speaker 3: 23:34

So, that's a big piece of it. And then if all of that doesn't work well which is pretty rare all things considered we use what we call a commitment device. So there's many different ways. There's apps that do this. Essentially, all a commitment device does is it increases the discomfort of not doing something more than the practice of doing it.

Speaker 3: 23:58

So imagine we have an agreement that you're going to accomplish. Whatever it is. I'm going to send five messages to podcasts so I can get on as a guest. Awesome If you do it. Awesome, strong work.

Speaker 3: 24:14

If you don't do it, you have to donate $100 to a charity that you vehemently disagree with. I can promise you you're going to do the thing. You do not want to donate money to something that you don't believe in. It's just highly illogical and it hurts you emotionally and it affects your identity. I'm not the type of person that would donate to cigarette companies. What am I doing here?

Speaker 3: 24:37

All of those paired in nicely. You start from a place of sustainability. You build belief, you build self-trust. It works in your identity. Awesome, we know what's already working, so let's double down on that. Awesome. You're in a group with other people, so you want to make sure you're keeping up. There's accountability there. If none of that connects the way we want it to, we'll tie in some extra necessity with a commitment device. And a great example of this Amy on our team. She runs our Facebook group. She's an assistant coach. She was somebody who had a lot of sickness when she was younger. Her body was fighting back. She was in a really rough spot. Alan, my business partner, and her were talking and he said why don't we start exercising? You know you're ready. You want a strong, capable body. She identified as my body as a broken piece of garbage.

Speaker 3: 25:35

That was her self-identification for her body. And she said I can never be consistent in exercise. And he said well, let's define exercise for you. What does that mean, he said, is that going to the gym? She said, no, definitely not. Cool. What is it? 30 minutes of yoga, 30 minutes of stretching, shoveling, walking the dog, walking with the kids, playing with the kids? Awesome, love it. Okay, let's start with 15 minutes, cool. Well, it doesn't feel like it's enough. Let's just start with 15 minutes as of today. She's exercised every day for the last 975 days.

Speaker 3: 26:08

We started small, built self-belief, built identity. She's in the accountability group, she has a coach, the identity is now there, right. But if she said, well, I'm going to work out an hour every day, it would have never got past day three. It just it wouldn't have. And the best example of that is New Year's resolutions. New Year's resolutions, we set results, goals I want to accomplish, blank by blank. We don't give ourselves enough time to develop the identity underneath it. It's just we pick a day on the calendar. It's like I'm going to be a completely different person. No, it doesn't work that way. It takes time to develop the identity. So that's usually the flow of it, and then, depending on the person, it might be one coaching call a week, it might be every other week. We have some clients that coach three times per week. So it depends. It depends on the goals and the aspirations and all that stuff.

Kevin Palmieri: 27:02

Yeah, so we just touched on the, you know, growth and the goal, and you know, a lot of times people think that you have to dream big and I understand the dream big so that it can activate more possibility and put you in a place that's not attainable, so just keep stretching, stretching you. You in a place that's not attainable, so just keep stretching you, stretching you. Yet at times growth can just overwhelm that nervous system to a point that you're not going to do anything and it's going to really feed that narrative that well, look, you can't do it anyways, so just really reinforcing that identity that you just mentioned. So what is it that you feel that is, you know, a little bit harmful and destructive for people right now and why they're not being able to do that self-improvement and have that self-relationship and create these healthy habits.

Speaker 3: 27:56

I think it is one of two things and I guess it's kind of the same thing, but it's not having the humility to start embarrassingly small. I really think that is the biggest. So, if we think about it, my business partner and I are a really good example of this. He has level 12 out of 10 self. He thinks he can accomplish anything and for the most part he always accomplishes what he says he's going to. In in the beginning he would say, like kev, you gotta have bigger goals. Well, just believe in yourself, go fail forward, just go look like an idiot, and eventually it won't suck as much. It's like that's all terrible advice for me, sir. I that's not how I'm wired. I need somebody to. In a word, yeah, that's, that's what I'm saying.

Speaker 3: 28:39

But many of the people talking to the masses have 12 out of 10 self-belief. They don't know what it's like not to believe in themselves, so they can't really lead somebody who doesn't. I would much rather somebody set a level one goal and overshoot it than set a level 10 goal and undershoot it, because if you're somebody who doesn't have a ton of self-belief, you need proof. You need proof when my business partner. He needs to lose, because losing ignites him and it keeps him humble. He loves losing. He loves making mistakes. He loves looking like an idiot. I don't, that's not the way I'm wired, yeah, so I think it's that it's almost like we're speaking two different languages. Yeah, I think a lot of people assume everybody is like them. I think most people do. Most people assume everybody is like them and nobody is. It just doesn't work that way. So, yeah, it would be in one sentence. It would be not having the courage and or self-awareness to set embarrassingly small goals you can build on, as opposed to setting world-densing goals that you actually don't think you can accomplish.

Kevin Palmieri: 29:47

Yeah, that's what I teach with the work that I do is everybody's nervous system is different. Everybody's biology is different. It's being a mad scientist of finding out what works for you, not being in that comparison trap which is so eluding. There's that statement of aim for the moon, but you'll land in the stars and it's like okay. Yet if I just land in the stars and I wanted the moon, that could send me in a spiral of shutting down for a very long time. I won't even see that I reached those stars. I will just be so focused that I didn't get to the moon. When your nervous system is in chaos yet your goals need consistency. What are the practices you use to get yourself centered? Where you bring the two?

Speaker 3: 30:37

This is a tough one because I don't think my advice to me is going to land for anybody else, necessarily.

Kevin Palmieri: 30:45

Oh no, and I'm not asking that. I'm asking for the relatability, so somebody has an insight of what it looks like for you.

Speaker 3: 30:52

I have a very real and honest so, if I'm really right, like when there were days where I couldn't pay my bills I mean that's happened in this journey for sure. I definitely gave myself way more grace of Kev. I understand. I understand you don't want to work today and I understand you have very little belief in almost anything you're doing. We have to keep momentum, we have to, we have to. We have to. My emotions right now again, as long as it's in a constructive way, my emotions right now, cannot stop me from making momentum, or these emotions are going to stay forever. Today it's more do you want it or not? Do you actually want what you say? You want? Yes or no? Yes, okay, cool, let's do the thing.

Speaker 3: 31:39

But I'm very privileged where my life is set up very well, based on the fact that I can sleep eight hours a night and I can eat good food and I can drink plenty of water and you know I can do. For the most part, I can do the stuff that I'm I really enjoy, I'm really good at and that fulfilled me. So very rarely is my nervous system freaking out, especially if we have money in the bank. If we have money in the bank. The building could be on fire and I don't really think about it that much.

Speaker 3: 32:10

So maybe that's the most relatable piece is, I have a very high level of self-awareness of what really affects me and my nervous system and what doesn't. It's chaos right now behind the scenes, but I feel abundant, so I don't really care that much. It's chaos right now behind the scenes, but I feel abundant, so I don't really care that much. It can be the smoothest road ever, and if there's scarcity it feels way bumpier than it actually is. So I think I always go to that of. What does this feeling actually mean? Is it real, or am I catastrophizing something that used to affect me way more than it does today? That's probably where I usually start, there.

Kevin Palmieri: 32:46

So on. Speaking on that, what are the practices that you use to develop your self-compassion when you feel those personal challenges are overwhelmed?

Speaker 3: 32:57

I look at old pictures of me. I do a lot of. I mean, if you were looking over my shoulder on a day where I was riding the struggle bus, you'd be like are you just wasting time on social media? Yeah, it seems like it. But I go back and I look at old pictures because I think it's so easy not to have compassion for yourself if you feel stuck, if you feel like you're not doing well in comparison to where you want to go. But you've come so far already. So I tend to just I look into the past so I can recognize the growth. I just think it's so hard to recognize growth in a silent when I'm the same as I was yesterday. I'm almost no different, and tomorrow I'm going to be essentially the same. It's a little little little, but five years ago I was a baby compared to this and I think one. It gives me permission to understand why I'm struggling. You've grown a lot over the last couple of years. Of course you're going to struggle. These are growing pains. These are growing pains. So that's one. I think the other piece of compassion is I'd rather have growing pains than staying pains for sure. Growth is good. I'm all for that.

Speaker 3: 34:14

And then let's try to make sure we're getting our basic human needs met from the simplest form. Stop and have lunch. I know you're trying to grind it. I know you want to work a 16 hour day. Stop and have lunch. Let's stop and have lunch. And I think, the last thing and maybe this is key for me I start every day by pouring into myself. Every day I wake up, I learn and I go to the gym and I feel like that is compassion to me. I love learn and I go to the gym and I feel like that is compassion to me. It's so important for me to take care of me. I feel fed and nurtured when I come into the office. I think I'm way more capable of handling the mayhem. That happens because I've already shown myself compassion by taking care of me On days I don't exercise. It is noticeable I'm just off is the best way to put it. It's so noticeable to me when I don't do it.

Kevin Palmieri: 35:10

Thank you for being honest and vulnerable and reaching those listeners that might not realize what this inner work looks like. A lot of people see the success and the materialistic on the outside, yet what I was hearing you say is a lot when you don't have safety, it doesn't feel good inside. If I have safety, then my nervous system is like okay, it's all right, like this chaos won't go. Yet you understand that your biggest human need safety, is the financial piece. So when the financial piece is being touched, it depends on how that nervous system is going to interpret things on the outside. If you have that financial, that safety, it's like oh, anything can happen. I'm not going to get startled by that, and you understand that for your biology and that's one of the main death in finances, that's one of the biggest things that sets us off for our nervous system, because it supports our basic need of living. And the nervous system has one function don't die.

Kevin Palmieri: 36:12

I want to ask you if your past could speak to you right now. As you said, you go and reflect back and look at because I want to just give this aspect to people too is when you feel, when the nervous system is dysregulated and you're triggered. What becomes very difficult to not give yourself compassion is you don't allow context, you're just in very black and white, rigid. And I love what you're doing is you're bringing back context for yourself. You're allowing that information to come, not just like in this moment, to see what has evolved. So now I want to ask, if your past was able to speak to you right now, what would your past say to you?

Speaker 3: 36:57

Probably I'm proud of you. I mean, there's been a lot of stuff that it's just been brutal and challenging and mirrors that I didn't want to look in and people places, things, ideas, feelings to let go of and pick up. Yeah, probably I'm proud of you. And stay humble, stay humble, stay humble. It's easy to feel good when you're doing good. It's easy to feel good when you're doing good. It's easy to feel good when people are saying nice things about you. You can't rely on that. You got to continue growing. You Just don't ever fall victim to the external thing again. There's the real world and the social world. Win in the real world. That's where you win, and then the social world is a reflection of that, not the other way around. So don't ever, no matter how good it gets, fall victim to that. Do more work on yourself behind the scenes than anybody could imagine and the front of the scenes will look pretty darn good if you can do that consistently.

Kevin Palmieri: 38:03

Now, what would your future self tell you about fear?

Speaker 3: 38:06

If I'm really right, like when there were days where I couldn't pay my bills. I mean, that's happened in this journey for sure. I definitely gave myself way more grace of Kev. I understand you don't want to work today and I understand you have very little belief in almost anything you're doing. We have to keep momentum. We have to, we have to, we have to my emotions right now. Again, as long as it's in a constructive way, my emotions right now cannot stop me from making momentum, or these emotions are going to stay forever. Today it's more do you want it or not? Do you actually want what you say? You want yes or no? Yes, okay, cool, let's do the thing.

Speaker 3: 38:50

But I'm very privileged where my life is set up very well based on the fact that I can sleep eight hours a night and I can eat good food and I can drink plenty of water and, for the most part, I can do the stuff that I really enjoy, I'm really good at and that fulfilled me.

Speaker 3: 39:09

So very rarely is my nervous system freaking out, especially if we have money in the bank. If we have money in the bank, the building could be on fire and I don't really think about it that much. So maybe that's the most relatable piece is I have a very high level of self-awareness of what really affects me and my nervous system and what doesn't. It's chaos right now behind the scenes, but I feel abundant so I don't really care that much. It can be the smoothest road ever, and if there's scarcity it feels way bumpier than it actually is. So I think I always go to that of what does this feeling actually mean? Is it real, or am I catastrophizing something that used to affect me way more than it does today? That's probably where I usually start, there.

Kevin Palmieri: 39:57

So on. Speaking on that, what are the practices that you use to develop your self-compassion when you feel those personal challenges are overwhelmed?

Speaker 3: 40:08

I look at old pictures of me. I do a lot of. I mean, if you were looking over my shoulder on a day where I was riding the struggle bus, you'd be like are you just wasting time on social media? Yeah, it seems like it. But I go back and I look at old pictures of me because I think it's so easy not to have compassion for yourself if you feel stuck, if you feel like you're not doing well in comparison to where you want to go. But you've come so far already. So I tend to just I look into the past so I can recognize the growth. I just think it's so hard to recognize growth in a silent when I'm the same as I was yesterday. I'm almost no different, and tomorrow I'm going to be essentially the same. It's a little little little, but five years ago I was a baby. Compared to this and I think one it gives me permission to understand why I'm struggling. You've grown a lot over the last couple of years. Of course you're going to struggle. These are growing pains, these are growing pains, these are growing pains. So that's one. I think the other piece of compassion is I'd rather have growing pains than staying pains. For sure, growth is good. I'm all for that.

Speaker 3: 41:29

We're getting our basic human needs met from the simplest form like stop and have lunch. I know you're trying to grind it. I know you want to work a 16 hour day. Stop and have lunch, you know let's, let's stop and have lunch. And I think the last thing and maybe this is key for me I start every day by pouring into myself. Every day I wake up, I learn and I go to the gym and I feel like that. That is compassion to me. I love. It's so important for me to take care of me. I feel fed and nurtured. When I come into the office, I think I'm way more capable of handling the mayhem that happens because I've already shown myself compassion by taking care of me. That's a really. On days I don't exercise, it is noticeable I'm just off is the best way to put it. It's so noticeable to me when I don't do it.

Kevin Palmieri: 42:21

Thank you for being honest and vulnerable and reaching those listeners that might not realize what this inner work looks like. Like a lot of people see the success and the materialistic on the outside, yet what I was hearing you say is a lot, when you don't have safety, doesn't feel good inside. If I have safety, then my nervous system is like okay, it's all right, like this chaos won't go. Yet you understand that your biggest human need, safety, is the financial piece. So when the financial piece is being touched, well, it depends on how that nervous system is going to interpret things on the outside. If you have that financial, that safety, it's like, oh, anything can happen. I'm not going to get startled by that and you understand that for your biology and that's one of the main death in finances, that's one of the biggest things that sets us off for our nervous system, because it supports our basic need of living. And the nervous system has one function don't die.

Kevin Palmieri: 43:24

I want to ask you if your past could speak to you right now. As you said, you go and reflect back and look at because I want to just give this aspect to people too is when you feel, when the nervous system is dysregulated and you're triggered. What becomes very difficult to not give yourself compassion is you don't allow context. You're just in very black and white, rigid. And I love what you're doing is you're bringing back context for yourself. You're allowing that information to come, not just like in this moment, to see what has evolved. So now I want to ask, if your past was able to speak to you right now, what would your past say to you?

Speaker 3: 44:09

Probably I'm proud of you. I mean, there's been a lot of stuff that it's just been brutal and challenging and mirrors that I didn't want to look in and people places things, ideas, feelings to let go of and pick up. And yeah, probably I'm proud of you. And stay humble, stay humble, stay humble.

Speaker 3: 44:35

It's easy to feel good when you're doing good. It's easy to feel good when you're doing good. It's easy to feel good when people are saying nice things about you. You can't rely on that. You got to continue growing. You Just don't ever fall victim to the external thing again. There's the real world and the social world. Win in the real world, that's where you win. And then the real world and the social world Win in the real world. That's where you win, and then the social world is a reflection of that, not the other way around. So don't ever, no matter how good it gets, fall victim to that. Do more work on yourself behind the scenes than anybody could imagine and the front of the scenes will look pretty darn good if you can do that consistently.

Kevin Palmieri: 45:17

Now, what would your?

Speaker 3: 45:18

future self tell you about fear, fear. I don't know if fear ever really goes away. Kev, I think you just make better friends with it and, assuming this version of Kev has more wisdom, let's hope he does. He has more wisdom than this Kev, he would say.

Speaker 3: 45:36

I've spent however many years trying to figure out how to avoid the fear, but honestly, man, with all the love in the world, I think you just have to go through it and you'll realize that the thing that you were so afraid of didn't kill you and, honestly, it probably wasn't nearly as bad as you thought and then that becomes normal. I mean, so many of the things that you do today you were once terrified of. Isn't that the way it's going to go forever? That's probably what you would say. We're going to make friends with fear, because I don't know if fear is ever going to go away. I don't know if imposter syndrome is ever really going to go away. I think we just make friends with it and we know how we relate to it, and then we can use that as our superpower, as opposed to our kryptonite.

Kevin Palmieri: 46:17

Yeah. I want to ask you, being a male and the journey that you've gone through, what is something that you would want to offer to males about emotions?

Speaker 3: 46:31

I think most of the things that are considered weak are defined as weak from weak people, not strong people. So if I was to be on here and say, oh, if you cry, you're not a man, that's dumb. That is dumb. There is no logical reason for that, it's just that is a highly emotional response to showing vulnerability. I'm convinced the more vulnerable you are in authentic relationships and a vulnerability just means showing emotion when you don't want to necessarily the more vulnerable you are in meaningful, intimate relationships, the better those relationships will be. So if you want to have deeply meaningful relationships, you've got to show emotion. If you want to connect deeply with other humans, you've got to show emotion.

Speaker 3: 47:20

It doesn't make you weak. It doesn't make you any less desirable. Honestly, from what I've learned, it makes you more desirable by people. They want to be around, people with emotional intelligence, and emotional intelligence starts with you. So luckily, I think it's becoming way more common for people to talk about stuff like that. But if you're listening to a man and he's giving you advice and you think he's a strong man and he tells you never to show your emotions, I think we have the definition of strong misconstrued and there is so much strength in showing what's real and you never know who's listening on the other side. You never know you might change somebody's life by telling your honest truth and that feels really freaking good.

Kevin Palmieri: 48:04

Yes. Now, Kevin, I know many of them are like okay, where can I find him? So can you let everybody know where they can find you, what your offerings are, and go from there?

Speaker 3: 48:15

Yes, so Next Level University is the podcast. We're everywhere YouTube, all the platforms you can search that. You can follow me on Instagram my handle is at neverquitkid and we have a million things. No matter where you are in your personal development journey in terms of finance or how long you've been doing it, we have a spot for you. So the podcast is always free. We have free monthly meetups every month. We have a free book club every week, a free Facebook group, and then that goes all the way down to group coaching, live events and one-on-one coaching. So no matter where you are, we have a spot for you, and no matter where you want to get to.

Kevin Palmieri: 48:57

I do have a deep belief we can help you get there as well. Now, what is one intention you want to leave for somebody that's listening right now?

Speaker 3: 49:09

Next time you're thinking about making a decision, whatever that decision is, how heavy or light it is, ask yourself is this abundance talking or scarcity? And is this best version of me or triggered version of me? And I think those are again, easier said than done, right, Easier said than all of that, but I think it's a really good intention. Is this triggered me or is this best me? And is this abundant me or is this scarce me? You can get a lot of information from a couple of simple questions.

Kevin Palmieri: 49:41

I want to thank you so much, kevin, for the alchemy you've done in your life. You've taken those impurities and you've turned them into gold. Yet you haven't just kept the gold, you're sharing it with others, others and you keep refining and going internally and offering that vulnerability externally, so that people can realize it's not to go on the outside, it's to go within, so that you can feel that fulfillment and you can bring forth what you want to, you know, offer to the world as service and as purpose. So thank you so much for everything that you bring, and especially with self-improvement and self-relationship. It's needed in the world right now.

Speaker 3: 50:22

Well, thank you so much for having me. I appreciate it. I appreciate you holding space and making a safe space for me to jam with you and you're wonderful and I'm grateful and everything that Kevin has mentioned.

Kevin Palmieri: 50:33

It's going to be in the show notes because at any time in this podcast if you got a tingle or it felt like an aha, that is your nervous system, you know, signaling you that Kevin has something to offer. So you know, go check out the podcast. Everything are free resources. That's the biggest thing about growth. There's so much free that if you were really dedicated for it, you would expand. Yet for some reason, we're tethered by money and that's what gets us engaged. Yet you know what Kevin is offering. There's a lot of resources that you can start to do that improvement and build that self-relationship. So go check them out and you know, like share and subscribe and leave a review. This helps the Lift One Self community and it helps these conversations get to the people that really need it. So please remember to be kind and gentle with yourself. You matter.