Befriending Anger To Reclaim Boundaries And Voice

What if anger isn't the problem at all, but the protector standing guard over your boundaries, values, and deepest tenderness?

In Episode 2 of the Emotional Sobriety series, we dismantle the myth of the "anger problem" and reveal the truth: anger isn't dangerous, untrained behavior and unprocessed pain are. When you learn to separate feeling from reaction, you discover a practical path from emotional hijack to clarity.

What You'll Learn:

• Why anger is a bodyguard, not a villain and what it's actually protecting
• How trauma layers turn present conflicts into past battles
• The hidden cost of the peacekeeper persona: exhaustion, resentment, and lost aliveness
• Why grief and anger are inseparable (and how rage clears denial)
• The 4-step practice to communicate through anger instead of being hijacked by it

Real Stories, Real Tools: A parenting example shows how old wounds distort present choices and how to protect connection while honouring boundaries. A client story reveals what happens when you bury anger for decades, and how giving it a voice reawakens joy, desire, and aliveness.

Guided Practice Included: Join the mindful moment at 19:18 to ask your anger: "What are you protecting?" and begin befriending your most powerful ally.

If you're ready to stop fearing your own heat and start using it as a compass, this episode offers grounded somatic tools and compassionate guidance.

Chapters

• 0:00 Anger Reframed As Protector
• 2:06 Behaviors Vs The Emotion Of Anger
• 5:10 Trauma Layers And Old Wounds
• 8:20 The Peacekeeper’s Hidden Exhaustion
• 11:15 What Anger Guards: Boundaries And Worth
• 13:20 Anger Is Not Identity
• 16:10 Parenting Triggers And Withheld Affection
• 20:30 Fire As Metaphor: Rage And Grief
• 24:30 Four Steps To Communicate Through Anger

Transcript

NATNAT BE : 0:00

Welcome back to the Liftoneself Podcast. I'm your host, Nat Nat, and this is the episode two of the Emotional Sobriety series. In the last episode, we talked about what it means to live in a feeling body that thinks how to come home to yourself from the neck down. Today, I want to introduce you to a radical concept. Anger is a bodyguard. And most of us never thought to ask, what are you protecting? Most of us never learned how to befriend anger. Now, if you just felt your body tense up when I said that befriend anger, if part of you thought that sounds dangerous or maybe even ridiculous, I get it. That's exactly the conditioning we're going to unpack today. Because here's the truth. Most of us were never taught how to be in relationship with anger. We were taught to fear it, suppress it, or let it explode. We were never shown that anger could be an ally, a protector, a guide. So when we talk about living in a feeling body that thinks, we have to include anger in that conversation because anger is one of the most powerful messengers your body has. And if you're not listening to it, you're missing critical information about your boundaries, your values, and what you're here to protect. Here's the truth: anger isn't the problem. It never was. What we call, quote unquote, the anger problem is actually a behavior problem. It's a communication problem. It's what happens when we don't know how to listen to anger or it was never given space to be witnessed by others. So it hijacks us. Today we're going to shift your relationship with anger. We're going to explore why it got such a bad rap, what it's actually protecting, and how to communicate through it instead of being hijacked by it. So let's dive in. Here's the thing that most people don't realize. When someone says anger is bad or you have an anger problem, they're not actually talking about the emotion. They're talking about the behavior that happens when anger hijacks you. They're talking about the yelling, the slamming the doors, the lashing out, the stonewalling, the withdrawals, the passive-aggressive comments, the explosion that comes out of nowhere and destroys everything in its path, even the physical abuse. That's not anger. That's what happens when you don't know how to be with anger, when you've never been taught how to listen to it, feel it, and let it move through you. Think about it. How often were we taught to communicate through anger? What we were told was calm down, don't raise your voice, you're overreacting. Why are you so sensitive? So, what did we learn? We learned to suppress it, push it down, pretend it's not there until it builds and builds and builds. And then one day it explodes, or worse, it turns inwards and becomes depression, self-hatred, or chronic illness. And then we wonder why we have quote unquote anger issues. We don't have anger issues. We have a relationship problem with anger. We've never been introduced properly. Here's where it gets complicated. When anger is layered with old trauma, unprocessed pain, and deep hurt, it becomes defensive. It becomes protective in a way that can feel dangerous to us and to others. Let me give you an example. Say someone criticizes you at work. A healthy anger response might be, that doesn't feel fair. Let me think about whether there's truth here or if this is just about them. But if that criticism lands on an old wound, maybe a childhood of never being good enough, of being told you're stupid or lazy or worthless, suddenly you're not just responding to the criticism. You're responding to every single time you've ever felt unseen, unvalued, dismissed. See, if you were controlled a lot as a child or at any time in your life, that will invoke anger. And a lot of times children were treated like they had the issue rather than anyone seeing that possibly the caretakers didn't know how to be with anger and allow communication. It's very easy to dismiss a child's behavior by saying they have a problem. Much harder to look within ourselves and be honest. Do I actually know how to address this? Or is it that I have control issues I didn't even realize were impacting this child? That's when anger becomes a wall, a fortress, a defense mechanism that says, I will never let anyone make me feel that small again. And that's when people say, you're too defensive, you're too angry, or overreacting. But you're not overreacting to this moment. You're reacting to every moment that came before it that you never got to process. Every time you had to swallow your anger because it wasn't safe, every time you were told your feelings were wrong, this is why the work matters. Because until you can separate the anger from the old pain it's carrying, you can't hear what it's actually trying to tell you. And then there's the other side. The people who were never allowed to feel anger at all. Maybe you were the peacekeeper in your family, the one who had to keep everyone calm, the one who learned that if you got angry, you'd lose love, safety, approval. Maybe you were punished for anger. Maybe you saw what happened when someone else got angry, violence, chaos, abandonment, and you decided I will never be like that. I will never let myself feel that. So you became the nice one, the calm one, the one who never loses their temper, never makes a scene, never causes problems. And on the outside, that looks healthy. People praise you for being so even-keeled, so rational, so easy to be around. But inside, you're exhausted. You're resentful. You feel like you're constantly biting your tongue, swallowing things down, pretending you're fine when you're not. And the worst part, you've lost access to one of the most powerful protectors. Because anger isn't just about being pissed off. Anger is the emotion that says, this isn't okay. My boundaries matter. I deserve to be treated with respect. When you cut yourself off from anger, you cut yourself off from your ability to advocate for yourself, to say no, to protect your energy, your time, your body, your life. So what is anger protecting? Your vulnerability, your fear, your sensitivity, your sense of what's right and wrong. Anger stands at the door of your most tender places and says, Not today. You don't get to hurt me today. When someone crosses your boundaries, anger shows up and says, hey, pay attention, something's wrong here. When there's injustice, when you see someone being mistreated, when systems are failing, like so much is going on right now, when people are suffering, anger shows up and says, this matters, do something. When you're feeling controlled, manipulated, or disrespected, anger shows up and says, You deserve better than this. Let me share something with you that possibly you never even took into consideration. Anger is not your identity. Yet many of us treat it like it is. Because when you're flooded with those chemicals and that energy, how can you not think it's you, but it isn't you? Because if it was, you would be in constant anger all the time, not feeling anything else. So how do we begin to create the separation, that space, to allow us to identify that it's an emotion, not an identity? You have to learn to pause, to notice. This is the work we're going to practice together in a moment. Let me give you a real example that might sting a little and cause you to probably judge, but it's important. Let's say you're a parent and you ask your oldest child to watch their siblings and they say no. Your activation of helplessness, abandonment, rejection rises up and begins to boil of anger. Then later on, that same child asks you for a hug and you deny them. Why? Because you're hurt and not able to articulate that. So you resort to punishment by withholding your affection. Does it make sense? Nope. Yet if you look at what's underneath, it makes total sense. Because the protective mechanisms have kicked in and said, this person is dangerous because it's feeling the past wounds. You're not seeing that this is your child wanting your affection. You're seeing them as the previous people that hurt or disappointed or abandoned you. Some of you may have felt taken aback by the boldness of this example. Yet take a moment and see if you have ever done this in your parenting. Now, should we have to hug someone we don't want to? No, that's correct. Bodily autonomy matters, but we also have to be aware of our triggers and see that there's a child needing connection. We can still connect with our child and use our words to express our disappointment or frustration. Both can be there. Yet, how many of us know how to do that? I'm sure many are thinking, nah, I'm going to teach through behavior, which is okay. That works. Yet, how effective is it? And also, how much damage are we causing? This can be really challenging when you're a parent because you have to remember that this is a child and not an adult, and that the standards you hold for an adult are not the same for a child. Yet your nervous system doesn't compute that. So that is why it's so important to befriend your anger, to not pass down generational cycles and cause emotional and psychological harm. Anger is information. It's a signal from your nervous system that something needs your attention. But if you've been taught to fear anger, to suppress it, to apologize for it, you miss the message. You just see the fire and think, I need to put this out as fast as possible. And then you wonder why the same patterns keep showing up, why you keep letting people cross your boundaries, why you keep staying in situations that don't serve you, why you feel so powerless, why you feel so unloved. It's because you've been putting out the fire instead of learning what it's trying to illuminate. Something powerful is that fire is an element. And like all elements, it's meant to be engaged with, not feared. When you think about fire in nature, it's not inherently destructive. Fire clears the forest floor, it makes space for new growth, it transforms what's old and dead into ash, which becomes soil for what's next. Rage and anger work the same way. When you allow yourself to feel the heat of anger, when you let yourself rage in a contained way, you're burning through what's been stuck. You're clearing out the old, you're making space for something new. This is especially true when it comes to grief. Grief and anger are inseparable. When you lose someone you love, whether through death, betrayal, or the slow erosion of a relationship, anger is part of that process. It's the part that says, this isn't fair. I didn't want this. I'm not ready. I deserve more. They deserve better. I deserve better. But so many of us try to skip the anger and grief. We go straight to sadness, to acceptance, to rationalizing and making meaning by saying everything happens for a reason. And in doing that, we bypass the very thing that would help us metabolize the loss. Anger and grief is the fire that burns away the denial. It's the part of you that refuses to pretend everything's fine when it's not. It's the part that says, I love them and I'm furious that they're gone. And you let yourself feel that. When you let yourself scream, cry, pound your fist, let the fire move through you, you're not being destructive. You're being honest. You're letting your body express and release what it's been holding. And that's when the grief can actually move. That's when you can start to integrate the loss instead of just carrying it. So how do we do this? How do we communicate through anger instead of being hijacked by it? First, you have to learn to pause, to notice, oh, I'm angry. Something's happening here. Yet you are not angry. You are feeling it. So you begin to course correct and say, I am feeling anger. That space, that tiny distinction is everything. Because in that space you can ask, what is this anger protecting? What's underneath it? Is this about now or is this about then? Second, you have to let yourself feel it in your body. Where is the anger living? Is it in your chest, your jaw, your fists, your throat, your stomach? Don't try to think your way through it. Don't try to rationalize it or make it make sense. Just feel it. Let it have space. Let the fire burn without trying to control the flame. Third, you have to learn to discharge it safely. This doesn't mean yelling at people or flipping them off or maybe possibly throwing something at them. It does mean, though, to take those actions. So breaking things in a contained way, like hitting a pillow or screaming in your car, is the release. There is a difference between breaking something out of reaction versus breaking something out of intention. It means moving your body, dancing, running, shaking, letting the energy move through you instead of getting stuck. It means finding your voice, saying out loud, even if no one else is there, I'm feeling angry. This isn't okay. I deserve better than this. It means using tools like fire ceremonies, rage rituals, smash rooms, or somatic release to metabolize what's been stored. And fourth, once the charge has moved, then you can communicate. Then you can say, here's what I need, here's where my boundary is, here's what I'm not willing to tolerate anymore. But you can't get to that clarity if you're still hijacked. You have to feel it first, process it first, let it move first. I had a client recently who came to me because she felt numb. She described herself as emotionally flat. She couldn't feel sadness sometimes, but even that felt muted. She couldn't remember the last time she felt joy, excitement, or passion. And she definitely couldn't feel anger. She'd been the good daughter, the good wife, the good employee her whole life. She prided herself on never losing her temper, never making a scene. She thought that made her evolved. But what we discovered in our work together was that she hadn't had a relationship with anger. She just buried it so deep she couldn't access it anymore. And in burying her anger, she buried everything else too. Because anger is connected to aliveness. When you cut yourself off from anger, you cut yourself off from the life force. So we started slowly. We started by just noticing where in your life do you feel like you can't say no? Where are you swallowing things down? And then we started to practice letting the anger have a voice, not directing it anymore, just letting it exist, letting her say in our sessions out loud, I'm angry. I'm angry that I've spent my whole life making myself small. I'm angry that I gave up my dreams to make other people comfortable. I'm angry that I didn't know I had permission to want more. And you know what happened? She started to cry. Not sad tears, angry tears. Tears that had been waiting decades to be shed. And underneath that anger, grief for the life she didn't live, for the woman she could have been if she'd known it was okay to take up space. That's the work. That's what happens when you stop running from anger and start listening to it. Quick pause here. If this is landing for you, if you're seeing yourself in what we're talking about, there's two ways to go deeper with this work. One, the emotional sobriety workshop, where you get the full practices and tools to regulate your nervous system, understand your emotional cycles, embody this work in your everyday life. Two is one-on-one sessions where we work directly on specific patterns and blocks, like the client I just mentioned. Both options are at liftoneself.com. That's L-I-F-T-O-N-E-S-E-L-F dot C O M. There's a clarity call you can book if you want to talk first and see what best fits. All right, let's practice. So I want to give you something practical you can do right now. Join me in a mindful moment. By the way, if you really want to engage and go deeper, go get a piece of paper and pen. Pause the podcast to do this and come back. Now I'm gonna ask you to get comfortable wherever you are in your seating or if you're standing up. And if it's safe to do so, gently close your eyes or soften your gaze. Now take a deep inhale through your nose, hold it, gently release it. Another deep breath in through your nose hold it now let it all go another deep breath in through your nose hold it now let that shit go now coming back to a normal breathing pattern you're safe to feel you're safe to let go now think about a situation where you feel anger even if it's just a flicker maybe it's something recent maybe it's something old that still burns don't judge it don't try to fix it just notice it now place your hand on your heart take a breath and say out loud or in your mind I'm listening I'm here you're safe you don't have to fight so hard anymore I've got this now ask the anger what are you protecting listen you might get an immediate answer you might get a sensation like heat rising or tightness a knot stiffness maybe even numbness you might get a memory or someone popped up you might get nothing at first and that's okay too another breath now ask anger what do you need me to know again just listen your anger isn't your enemy it's trying to help you it's trying to keep you safe it's trying to tell you something important you may have felt sadness underneath that anger for the first time maybe hurt maybe fear maybe rejection abandonment maybe even your sensitivity allow yourself to befriend the anger and ask it again what are you protecting allow that to surface now take a deep breath in through your nose hold it and gently release that's the practice that's how you start to befriend anger instead of fear it you're not trying to get rid of it you're learning to be in a relationship with it to let it be your ally instead of your enemy perhaps some stuff came up maybe you need to pause right now and journal do that this is your work and you want to get the insights needed to have a better relationship with yourself. So as I mentioned anger has been misunderstood and given a bad rap anger isn't the problem it never was the problem is that we were never taught how to hold it how to listen to it how to let it move through us without destroying everything in its path but that doesn't mean anger is bad. It means we need better tools we need to learn how to communicate through it how to separate the emotion from the old wounds it's carrying how to let the fire burn without letting it consume us because when you can do that when you can feel your anger listen to it and let it guide you back to your boundaries your values your voice everything changes you stop being afraid of yourself you stop apologizing for taking up space you stop letting people treat you in ways you don't deserve you start living from a place of power not force not aggression but power the kind that says I matter my needs matter and I'm not afraid to protect what's sacred to me that's what anger is here to teach you. So this is episode two Befriending anger learning to see it not as the enemy but as the protector it's always been in the next episode the final one in this series we're going to bring it all together and talk about what emotional sobriety actually is, what it's not the misconceptions that keep people stuck and how to practice it in your everyday life without overwhelming your nervous system until then I'm curious where in your life have you been afraid of your anger? Where have you been suppressing it, apologizing for it or letting it hijack you? Where have you been managing it rather than utilizing it? Just notice that's all and if this episode brought something up for you if you felt something shift I'd be so grateful if you'd share it share it with someone who needs to hear this someone who's been told they're too angry or someone who's been afraid to feel their anger at all. Help me grow lift oneself so we can reach the people who need permission to feel if you want to go deeper with this work everything is at liftoneself.com please remember to be kind and gentle with yourself. You matter and your anger it matters too I'll see you in the next one