Don't Make It Weird
Two amateur authors and amateur humans—Daniel and Dina—discuss all things writing and books, and re-tell chaotic life adventures from cults to exes that think they’re horses. We’ve got you covered in this comedic and sarcastic, life-centered podcast. Follow us as we fail to not make it weird.
Don't Make It Weird
The One With The Holiday Hoedown Throwdown (feat. Special Guests!)
Grab your Santa hat and a cold pint of Death Raptor because this holiday special of our podcast is like the weirdest, wildest office Christmas party you've never attended – but always wished you had. Planned entirely by Dinasaurus, as scandalous and spirited as ever in her holiday get-up, we take you through a winter wonderland of topics, from the moral ambiguity of Christmas movie tropes to the chaos of outfit changes and technical gremlins that tested our festive fortitude. And let's not forget our special guests, Alexander James, Rance and Bob Denton, and our bestest friend Jess The Mess, who brought their own brands of merry mischief and reflections to our Christmas special.
Every holiday has its traditions, and ours apparently includes playing drinking games with impossible rules, honoring our lost friend in the most 'us' way possible, and speculating if Santa is indeed the tallest elf in the grotto. We also delve into the reality of multitasking as parents during the holidays – because nothing says Christmas like pumping while podcasting. From contemplating whether we'd rather spend Christmas trapped in Mariah Carey's holiday album or kissing the Grinch, to sharing our personal favorite festive films and traditions, this episode is a sleigh ride through the quirks and quintessentials of yuletide cheer.
Wrap up your season with our Christmas cocktail of jokes that'll have you deciding whether to belly laugh or facepalm. To bring it home, Sean, Jess, Rance, Alex, and Dina bring their own stories and humor to the table, making for a podcast episode that's more stuffed than your stocking. Whether we're paying tribute to a beloved friend with a cringe-worthy reading or two, or debating the finer points of Trader Joe's holiday offerings, this is one holiday gathering you won't soon forget. So pull up an armchair, pour another glass of that eggnog, and join us for a festive foray into laughter, camaraderie, and the unexpected joys of the season.
Daniel's website: https://dumps4danq.com
Dina's website: https://dinasaurusd.com
You can find the video presentation of this show on our YouTube channel, and the audio only version on any of your favorite podcast apps!
📢 Call us! Got a weird story, a conspiracy theory, or a better use for baby oil? Leave us a voicemail or text us at (347) 69-WEIRD! 📞 That’s (347) 699-3473!
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Don't Make It Weird Podcast on Twitter: http://twitter.com/dmiwpodcast
Daniel on Twitter: http://twitter.com/danqwritesthing
Dina on Twitter: http://twitter.com/dinasaurusd
Producer Sean on Twitter: http://twitter.com/shaceholdu
Music Credit:
Swing Rabbit ! Swing ! by Amarià https://soundcloud.com/amariamusique
Creative Commons — Attribution 3.0 Unported — CC BY 3.0
Free Download / Stream: https://bit.ly/al-swing-rabbit-swing
Music promoted by Audio Library https://youtu.be/lt7fn1NVxQM
Credits song written and performed by ...
He doesn't have to drive home, so he has no excuse, and I have to have him in white Russian Again.
Speaker 2:I feel like we should be more excited about my beer being called Death Raptor.
Speaker 1:OK, I think you just buffalode buddy.
Speaker 2:Fucking hell. I did. God damn it. It's the best black.
Speaker 1:This is the best. I'm leaving this in before the intro. Oh my God, let's go buddy, let's go buddy. Oh yeah, take it to the head bitch. It's the Don't Make it Weird podcast, with your hosts Daniel and Dina Soros. Hello and welcome to Don't Make it Weird podcast.
Speaker 2:I'm one of your co-hosts Daniel Quigley and we are your writing storytelling comedy podcast for the writing community. The writing community, the ink does. You're back at you for a very special Christmas edition. I mean, look, I'm actually in my own house today. I'm not podcasting from my mom's basement, so you know if it looks a little extra chaotic and if I'm holding my mic. That's why what you guys have already missed is that I've buffalode. So things are going really well before this episode has even started. But you know who can fill you in on this? My co-host, because I am joined, as always, by the jolly jingle horse who jiggles joyfully Dina Soros.
Speaker 3:I was going to try to do a Santa Claus intro. Oh my God wait. Wonderland, that's my favorite Taylor Swift song.
Speaker 2:Final answer Well, you need the one by oh, I thought your body is Wonderland by John Mayer. Isn't that one of yeah Fuck?
Speaker 3:John Mayer Outside now bitch.
Speaker 2:But listen, I have attempted to seduce many women poorly to that song. So, like what has Taylor Swift done to help me as a wingman, Let me ask you that.
Speaker 3:Listen to her lyrics. She literally gives you a map of how to win over a woman.
Speaker 2:I only know love story. So so shy, toss rocks at someone's window and be not approved by the father, Is that the? Is that the roadmap?
Speaker 4:Oh my God Is that the big sunrise, Dina yeah.
Speaker 2:Now the folks that are listening on the audio only version of our podcast, don't flip over YouTube. Dina is literally only wearing like like Santa hat tassels over her, her regions, yeah, yeah. So just just trust us. Just trust us. You don't need to watch our YouTube, it's fine. No, you can trust us, but you know who you guys can always trust, because we have a third member of this team. Everyone and I don't want a lot for Christmas. There is just one thing I need. Clippy doesn't care about the presents underneath the Christmas tree. I just want him for my own, more than Frosty could ever know. Santa, make my wish come true. All I want for Christmas is producer Sean, everyone.
Speaker 1:It sounded like he said I just want Tim for my own.
Speaker 2:You know what? I'm okay with that too. That is a good interpretation of lyrics, and I will take the reanimated corpse of Dina's alleged husband and go from there.
Speaker 3:Hey Sean, do you guys, do you hear that? What, what is that sound? I hear.
Speaker 1:I hear slave that is jingling.
Speaker 3:Is somebody knocking on the door?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think somebody's knocking on the door.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you should, oh no.
Speaker 2:Who do we have knocking on the door? The shittiest elf.
Speaker 1:It's Alexander James. What's up everybody? What's up buddy? The shittiest elf is his name, that's correct.
Speaker 2:Yes, I apologize, the worst elf on the shelf. This is the first time I think I've ever seen him wearing something other than his vest, and it's really weirding me out.
Speaker 6:I was really upset about it.
Speaker 2:I was giving very specific instructions, yeah, so so I've one question before we get started what's it like to participate in a poll for five minutes and immediately become the winner? I just I'd like to know, Alex, I would like, I would like to know what that type of internet power is like.
Speaker 6:I would like to. I would like to. I would like to tell you how many times I wrote and rewrote that QRT because I was like the first. Easily 50 in drafts were like hey, vote on this poll. It helped me flush Daniel down the toilet. I had to find the better way to phrase that Is.
Speaker 1:that is that Davils toilet?
Speaker 6:It is. Yeah, is the toilet that Daniel flushed my show down?
Speaker 2:I'm still incredibly proud of what don't make a weird accomplished on critically stupid, which just wrapped up their first season, or first campaign? I guess, not definitely the first season, but what's it like to have the pressure off you, buddy, get to put those creative juices to bed.
Speaker 6:I mean it was a really, really good episode. You guys actually came up in the in the finale finale. Your effects lingered for that long, but it was a really good. It was a really good show. Everybody got to like change the story the right amount. Everybody got to have a hand on the ball and like shape the ending and, yeah, I'm really excited for everybody to see it.
Speaker 2:And so now this guy, the guys, folks at home, this means that you have no excuse, no excuse at all, not to binge watch. Critically stupid from the beginning, cause now there's a beginning, middle and end.
Speaker 1:What's that? You got a voicemail, you guys.
Speaker 2:No way. Oh my God Word, it's me.
Speaker 7:Arnold, you're best. Arnold. I just want to go and say happy 3000 episode. I know you've been out there for a long time and you've been, you've been, you've been listening to every single one. It's crazy what you've been through with. You know the, the, the robot uprising and then you know the Jar Jar uprising Now oh my. God, that was a good one. That was cool, though, and I would you know that was probably one of like we what Okay? Now? Told me that I dialed the wrong time. No matter what episode you're at.
Speaker 5:He has a time machine.
Speaker 7:You guys, this guard. You forget about the stuff I said. You don't do as many episodes as you want. Also, good luck with the robots and chargers. I love you.
Speaker 2:I love you too, arnold.
Speaker 4:Oh my.
Speaker 2:God.
Speaker 4:Arnold the Bard.
Speaker 1:He legitimately has a time machine.
Speaker 4:He's, he's this, that's so cool.
Speaker 2:So so, alex, I want to pitch a side, like a side spin off of your, of your campaign. Are you ready for this, daniel?
Speaker 6:if you, don't check your next voicemail. I think Dina might actually share yourself.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I saw her face, okay, okay.
Speaker 6:Hey, let me talk about something else, and I was like she'll kill you man.
Speaker 7:We're keeping another voicemail. Hey guys, it's me Kelly, executive producer.
Speaker 2:Executive producer.
Speaker 7:Kelly I don't say Merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah, and I hope you guys have a great new year.
Speaker 2:Love you guys. Merry Christmas, baby no no, merry.
Speaker 3:Christmas Kelly I love you Kelly. We should have one more voice now, just so you know, One, just literally literally put we have like six more.
Speaker 1:So, daniel, just be quiet.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm ready.
Speaker 1:I'm in. Another one just came in, you guys, Huge, who could that?
Speaker 7:be, Come in please. It's cold outside. It's fucking cold. I'm freezing my ass off and my Because there's just four of them. Please Let me in. Yeah, I will always let you in Rance. Let you in the back door baby, he's actually here.
Speaker 1:Y'all, we got Bobo, you do.
Speaker 4:It's Bobo it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like it's like it's like it's like, it's like, it's like it's like, it's like you
Speaker 1:guys.
Speaker 8:You guys.
Speaker 1:You guys, you guys.
Speaker 7:You guys are insane. You guys are insane, oh my God, okay.
Speaker 1:So we've got Bobo Enhancer, the reindeer Got.
Speaker 4:Rance.
Speaker 1:The Donner party to join Alexander James, the shittiest elf. This is legitimately.
Speaker 2:This is going well.
Speaker 1:Christmas miracle.
Speaker 2:Yeah, incredible, you guys, can I?
Speaker 4:change my name to Dr.
Speaker 2:Draydal, like the Hanukkah fairy, no, no.
Speaker 8:I mean, I feel like I feel like that that's, I'm just going to come in and overrule Sean and say yeah, of course, guys, I was muted, it's fine yeah.
Speaker 1:Also, it was weird how quiet you were.
Speaker 5:It was just. It was just me and the guys I'm going to know my technology, it's fine. No, it's okay.
Speaker 2:I appreciate you being here, and it's classic glance glass Rance Like have you guys ever talked face to face with Alex, Like I know.
Speaker 6:Yes.
Speaker 2:I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like.
Speaker 5:I'm like, I'm like, you know, I'm like, look, I'm saying we get what?
Speaker 2:Okay, bobbo has it, though Like.
Speaker 6:Anacsonided. I'm familiar with his work.
Speaker 8:Oh.
Speaker 6:I mean, I'm sorry for you then,
Speaker 2:What Did did? Did you also stab me in the back?
Speaker 1:over. Yeah or executive producer Kot, advance in instant Cut rants and a yes.
Speaker 2:No, no, Welcome Rance. I've already buffaloed to word to do. That's two buffaloes.
Speaker 1:I was looking for it.
Speaker 6:I have a Are you trying?
Speaker 4:to Christmas miracle.
Speaker 1:Yeah yeah, I love that for you. Let's just fucking do it, you guys. It's time, but what you got, buddy?
Speaker 8:I am drinking sheep dog, sheep dog peanut butter whiskey.
Speaker 1:Oh, peanut butter.
Speaker 8:Let's go. Yeah, it's baller, dude it's. I think it's better than screwball. Actually, that's a thing Peanut butter whiskey. Yeah, yeah, I'm going to give you someone Christmas Eve and you're going to fucking drink it. It's a roll up, oh yeah, into my mouth, oh right, right there, right there. It can't be in your butt.
Speaker 5:Rance you drink.
Speaker 1:You drink cinnamon whiskey and you think I do.
Speaker 2:He sounds like you're not wrong. It seems judgmental, that seems judgmental, so my my buff?
Speaker 5:my? I'm sorry, bob, did I interrupt you? Who cares? Who cares? My buffalo is chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit. It's like a patch and fruit liqueur with orange juice and you're making fun of me.
Speaker 2:What you cannot make fun of peanut butter whiskey with whatever the fuck it is. You just said you were drinking. I don't know that sounds terrible. Oh my God, it is.
Speaker 6:Oh my.
Speaker 2:God, it's the worst.
Speaker 8:I also feel like trash because I didn't put my ugly sweater on and it's upstairs and now I? Now I feel left out and I feel like I want to run upstairs and grab my, I literally told you to wear it.
Speaker 3:I told you to wear it.
Speaker 8:Yeah, I know I'm sure you did, dina, it's been a long day. Can I? Can I tell you, can I?
Speaker 2:tell you story.
Speaker 4:Winner.
Speaker 8:Oh my.
Speaker 3:God, I love a story. I would love a story.
Speaker 1:It's story time with Bobo.
Speaker 8:Well, we my, my fiance's godmother has. Inherited two children from her daughter, because her daughter and her daughter's husband are drug addicts who are now in rehab, and these children so fun, we, we sound like writing to her. We took them to Chuck E Cheese because they've never been to Chuck E Cheese before.
Speaker 4:Oh, oh no.
Speaker 8:Yeah, they had so cute and sad. They had such like over stimulation I was. They just went from one thing to the other, to the other, to the other. They would literally sit down in front of like the Batman, like driving game, play for like three seconds and go what's next. It was wild.
Speaker 4:I mean is this?
Speaker 2:all ball pit like I'm so. Yeah, I like I'm so. No, too many people drop in the ball pit.
Speaker 1:Mm, hmm.
Speaker 3:There's a lot of there's a lot of arcade machines now Mm hmm.
Speaker 8:So I'm going to go get my sweater while you guys are doing this Fump fear.
Speaker 6:Mark movie movie.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's a good one, Alex what are you?
Speaker 1:drinking tonight, buddy.
Speaker 6:I'm drinking an IPA that my wife bought me at Trader Joe's because I didn't want to go grocery shopping.
Speaker 5:Some of that Trader Joe's IPA love. That's right, it's Trader.
Speaker 2:Joe's is great on alcohol like absolutely fantastic. I mean the Fendu Mond is my favorite, like Trader Joe's drink.
Speaker 6:Fendu.
Speaker 2:Mond's quite good.
Speaker 6:I really appreciate their frozen desserts aisle because I'm a 12 year old child in my belly.
Speaker 4:And so they have your time.
Speaker 6:Like whole they have, like whole tiramisu's they sell. They call them family size, but what that really means is one Alexander James.
Speaker 1:Size me.
Speaker 6:So I take an edible and then I sit on my couch and eat a whole Trader Joe's tiramisu.
Speaker 1:I am the same way, but with their like frozen appetizers aisle. Oh yeah, dude, they're happy, they're like pastry pops Like yeah.
Speaker 2:And listen we can't sleep on the orange chicken. The Trader Joe's orange chicken is fucking fantastic. We all know if you're right, no.
Speaker 5:So I'm not the Trader Joe's reg.
Speaker 6:Oh, you got to get on the TJs. I try to.
Speaker 5:I do, but I'm too busy hanging in my PJs.
Speaker 6:That's the thing.
Speaker 1:He sleeps naked by the way I do, I do I say Donald Duckett for the most part Just T-shirt and just a T shirt and my wings and a sailor's cap.
Speaker 5:Wait, is that the?
Speaker 6:Donald Duckers at the Winnie the Pooh, because I thought it was the Winnie the Pooh.
Speaker 2:It's Winnie the.
Speaker 6:Pooh.
Speaker 4:You have to also be wearing a hat.
Speaker 5:if you're Donald Duck, it's a sailor hat that makes it the Donald Duck Can we always like guys did the fashion choices that Scrooge McDuck made in like the Christmas Carol. Just were they banger.
Speaker 6:They were like his sleep dress and like his weird hat, just a fucking make-up that guy.
Speaker 5:if he popped a weird duck boner, we'd be done man.
Speaker 2:Bro listen all I'm going to say is if you guys haven't watched the updated DuckTales, like they did a new one like in 2017, and it's a fucking banger. It's incredible. I'm just saying I got to watch it all with my kid and I definitely enjoyed it more than she did. Hey, dina, what are you doing?
Speaker 5:You look like you're studying something very intense, dina looks like the recreation of Amerton Joe there with the mask on Well here's the thing, you guys. Oh hey, bobo For the people at home and for our lovely guests, beautiful sweater.
Speaker 1:Bob Dina was the brainchild of this entire show. She is the biggest Christmas witch I've ever met in my life, and so when she said, let's do a Christmas show, I was like guess what.
Speaker 1:I'm giving you the keys to the car. You like the rundown and we'll do what Dina wants to do on Christmas. So this everyone here is all a surprise to me and Daniel and to anyone else. Dina put this together. We I mean, we have the rundown, but we didn't plan any of this. Dina did so and you got a hell of a show.
Speaker 5:Dina, you're my organization man, Thank you.
Speaker 3:I actually have one more gift that's specifically for Daniel.
Speaker 2:Oh God, hold on. Well, let me see, yeah, well, that's the only gift I could ever want baby. Well, can you?
Speaker 9:play that video.
Speaker 3:Can you play that video that I just sent you at that time stamp please, oh my. God If this is Rance doing the sexy strip. He's.
Speaker 1:Jar Jar, oh, four, so ready 440.
Speaker 2:Yeah, my body's ready. 440. Well, bob, what was she? Well, he's pulling this up. Let me see what that sweatshirt says. Let me just go ahead and pop yourself up a little bit.
Speaker 8:It says I don't like to feel good.
Speaker 7:I like to feel evil.
Speaker 2:That was a perfect skeletor. I turned on a little bit, a little aroused.
Speaker 6:I like that. I like that to show it off that first you just like puffed your pecs out. You're just like do you mean my, do you?
Speaker 8:mean my mantits.
Speaker 4:No there's no pecs here, oh man that was a good one man.
Speaker 2:I love having Alex James on. Like I'm terrified to have Alex and Jess on at the same time. Like I feel like people would like them too much together and they would just be like, yeah, we'd be out of a job.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, no, it'd be, a problem. I wouldn't, but you guys would be.
Speaker 2:Oh no, no, you're very nervous. You're pretty much got a job for life buddy.
Speaker 3:Hey Sean, can you let somebody into the studio please?
Speaker 1:Shut the fuck up.
Speaker 2:It's not a video, but that's okay.
Speaker 5:Shut the fuck up. Danny looked like real Zach Elfinakis in that video.
Speaker 2:I did, didn't I man my hair? I really enjoyed the XOXO. I had it in that video.
Speaker 6:It sounded like a WWE intro.
Speaker 7:I'm gonna fucking cry.
Speaker 2:Oh my God, Jessica.
Speaker 9:It's a.
Speaker 2:Christmas.
Speaker 7:Oh, my God.
Speaker 1:Love you guys.
Speaker 7:Oh my.
Speaker 1:God it is a fucking Christmas miracle, hello, jess.
Speaker 2:I didn't know that they celebrated Christmas in Canada.
Speaker 1:This is new to me.
Speaker 8:That's a real scary thing that you just did, because you invited four people that are scarier than Dan.
Speaker 4:I know it's funnier, funnier and scarier.
Speaker 9:I literally asked about Jess. That was my video.
Speaker 8:What Well, Jess, fix your fucking computer then.
Speaker 9:I don't know what to do with.
Speaker 8:Jess.
Speaker 1:Internet issues. No, I'm gonna open the door. It's still recording your video, we just can't see it right now.
Speaker 6:Oh, it's really creepy, no way she said I'm gonna open the door. That's the most 2003 internet solution I've ever made. I don't want this to be in my window. Guys, don't worry.
Speaker 5:Wait, oh, my God.
Speaker 1:It worked. It absolutely worked, Dana. I hate every second of that.
Speaker 8:I can't stand it.
Speaker 1:Incredible Christmas gift.
Speaker 3:This is beautiful. I sent you, I sent the real rundown to you. Now, sean, oh my God.
Speaker 7:The rundown we had was fake. Oh my God.
Speaker 9:We just see.
Speaker 4:Alex on the fake one it got us.
Speaker 9:There was a fake one.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's the mega, mega weird quarantine party.
Speaker 6:Number three I fucking asked about Jess. I was like cause you know. It was like, hey, do you want to be a Christmas special? And I was like I would, but that's Jess's spot. And so I was like, did this bitch die Cause I haven't spoken to her in months.
Speaker 9:And then dinner.
Speaker 6:And then dinner was. I know that's true, but I was like I wanted to protect your privacy, but then dinner was like I asked.
Speaker 8:She's busy with work and other bullshit and.
Speaker 6:I was like oh cool, I'm the natural heir to that throne.
Speaker 2:Call me in, bring them in, honestly, I mean.
Speaker 5:The fact is, we needed we needed, we needed four people. We needed four people to make up for Jess's internet.
Speaker 3:That's if you just you, just buffalone.
Speaker 9:Fuck me, I forgot about it. We got her. Oh my God, we've got drips.
Speaker 1:Oh, my God.
Speaker 4:Oh it's yellow.
Speaker 6:Don't make it weird. I think horses no, oh my God.
Speaker 8:Wait, we have a list of words we can say today.
Speaker 6:Did you just say them all?
Speaker 7:Yeah, I'm not drinking whiskey out of a bottle.
Speaker 6:I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck.
Speaker 3:That's three buffalos today. It's a Christmas miracle.
Speaker 4:This is a new record. Yeah, it really is.
Speaker 1:I can't believe it.
Speaker 2:Well, holy crap, it's absolutely nothing accomplished in this episode and I cannot wait.
Speaker 3:There's nothing on the rundown except for games. It's fine.
Speaker 1:Speaking of buffalos for the uninitiated Buffalo Club means we all drink with our offhand. Oh my God.
Speaker 9:I think you're just delayed a little bit. You sound like you're calling from 2007.
Speaker 1:Are you on top of the map?
Speaker 6:She's moved up four years.
Speaker 5:She's moved up four years in that time. Oh, and how's Ponyhawk Pro?
Speaker 2:Skater on that. Engage there, fuck it.
Speaker 5:She's on dial up over there. I didn't really open the door.
Speaker 6:Can you call?
Speaker 9:me on your AOL messenger, please.
Speaker 8:I don't even know what that is.
Speaker 9:She's sitting here in a whole party.
Speaker 7:Well, we all know that. Yeah, yeah eloquently.
Speaker 8:This is unbelievable oh my God, jess, I don't think we've ever been on the show together either.
Speaker 9:No, I know.
Speaker 8:We're coming up with a new record. Wow Well hi, it's nice to functionally meet you in person as opposed to, you know, yelling at people on Twitter together. Oh, it's something I said to her working on the show with me.
Speaker 7:I haven't seen any of you in a year.
Speaker 9:This is amazing, Wait hey gotta be honest with you.
Speaker 1:Why guys are the first to be hired, why guys are doing their normal bullshit on the show.
Speaker 5:I mean I'm not sure, I mean I'm not sure, I mean I'm not sure, I mean, I'm not sure, I mean I'm not sure, I mean, I'm not sure, I mean, I'm not sure, I mean, I'm not sure. Why guys are doing their normal bullshit on Twitter. This week it's the white women that are going insane.
Speaker 9:So not been on that.
Speaker 2:Oh, so is this our meeting.
Speaker 5:Good on you.
Speaker 3:You are not worth it.
Speaker 2:One after getting getting canceled for review bombing, like a myriad of authors, so that's been the latest drama is review bomb gate. Yeah Okay. What you bomb, yeah oh review bombing.
Speaker 4:Like.
Speaker 6:I think, I think it might actually be faster if Jess called Dina and had Dina just tell her 10 for it.
Speaker 2:I got to take a quick break to help my wife who is sick right now.
Speaker 4:So you guys carry on without how many kids do.
Speaker 2:I don't know.
Speaker 1:I think she's a little bit of a ham. Yeah, that's really working down.
Speaker 5:Have the snotty's or the throw ups? Oh no, good luck Dan.
Speaker 2:I'll be back in a second. Guys it's never refused us to put pants on.
Speaker 1:Okay, you guys, I'm going to take this opportunity to do a clean take of our game explanation. All of you are initiated here, but for those of you at home who don't know, we have a series of words that will trigger a buzzer like this If you hear that, that means it's time to drink. Also, we're all initiated into Buffalo Club. That means we all drink with our offhand. Three people have already been caught today in a buffalo.
Speaker 1:So let's not make it four right, if you get caught, you drink the rest of your beverage, so call it out, if you see someone Kelly's already busted two people from the audience, so do I have to finish this? Bottle.
Speaker 6:Yeah, dog, yeah, you are fighting with. You are fighting with live ammo.
Speaker 1:I would say do it.
Speaker 8:It's a good thing that my it's a good thing that my right hand is busy doing other things right now. You're totally.
Speaker 1:I made that very last time he was on the show he said oh, I got. I got my right hand firmly on my genitals. I know buffalo, All right.
Speaker 8:Do you know? What's really really awesome is that the past few weeks, the past few weeks, rance and I have been trying to record an episode of our podcast, right, but, but we can't, because we just keep hearing this.
Speaker 1:There's babies.
Speaker 8:There's babies. Yeah, yeah, I had a baby.
Speaker 4:I was had a baby. It sucks.
Speaker 5:As the man, he did all the work.
Speaker 1:He delivered it himself.
Speaker 8:Yeah, oh, it's so dumb dude, he's like he, just he shows. All he does is show pictures of his baby now on like social media and I'm like Mick, you got to stop it.
Speaker 1:You're that guy, you can show pictures of your dumb ugly baby that nobody likes unfolding his multi photo wallet for every stranger on the street, yeah.
Speaker 8:I'm glad that I'm with people who don't have babies anymore except oh right, dina.
Speaker 7:Yeah.
Speaker 3:They suck real bad.
Speaker 9:Oh my God Loading on my screen. Great yeah.
Speaker 1:Because? Because your recording is uploading at the same time as it's recording.
Speaker 5:But why Just did you have to go through the Drake passage to get here?
Speaker 6:The fucking Drake Passage. What a great nautical reference. Fuck me. I didn't expect somebody to make a navigational reference in this show. I'm so fucking stoked right now.
Speaker 8:Really with his assholes, like every day.
Speaker 1:He's a real life cartographer, I'm pretty sure.
Speaker 4:He's a fucking.
Speaker 8:English teacher that hangs out with the history teachers like a real dick.
Speaker 1:So, Jess, the uploaded thing don't worry about that. It'll finish uploading when we're done, like it'll keep uploading after we stop.
Speaker 9:Okay, if I switch, I have a different Wi-Fi. One second.
Speaker 5:I might disappear.
Speaker 9:Well, the other one's worse, we believe in you, jess.
Speaker 5:We believe in you. Usually, jess is gone. It's gonna be great. Keep talking, it's got silent.
Speaker 8:Daniel's gonna come back, as Bobo has to leave and it's gonna be like Actually I got permission to stay and play like, Like, huh.
Speaker 6:Permission is dead. Hey, let's all go around the table and talk about what we did to fill time while Dan was 35 fucking minutes late.
Speaker 5:His wife was ill, so let's talk about who doesn't know time zones?
Speaker 3:No, no, no, no, no, no. Let's talk about who can't get their time zones correct.
Speaker 6:That's true, that's true. I fucking sprinted here from work like literally ran off the bus, fucking threw myself in this office and I was like okay, I'm ready. And then Dino was like for what motherfucker? It's not for another hour, alex, you're back on that.
Speaker 5:You're back on that PST right Best.
Speaker 6:Coast baby. Yes sir, Best Coast, it's not God's. Oh, you're on.
Speaker 8:Pacific Time I am. Oh, my God, is it so nice and warm over there, or are you in like the Seattle area? What are you doing?
Speaker 6:I'm in the Seattle area so it's like slightly drizzly, but the Pacific Northwest is the best part of any land in the world.
Speaker 8:So I wish it was just Correct. I wish it was not in the world. That's correct Information.
Speaker 5:Which you see was over in Seattle, so we can hang himself. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 8:Look, I hear all the cool kids. Like you know, kurt Cobain hang out in Seattle. That's where you get the good shotguns right. Yeah, shotguns.
Speaker 6:And relapses baby.
Speaker 8:Seattle 2024. All I want for Christmas is a nice light lunch.
Speaker 9:You are here, welcome back. Is it better or is it worse?
Speaker 8:Yeah, but Jesse sound great. Hi. Welcome back this is so better.
Speaker 9:Is it so?
Speaker 5:much better.
Speaker 9:Is it better, do you like? Should I get closer? I'm not sure.
Speaker 6:The microphone is bad.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's great I mean We'll just go with it. Don't eat the microphone.
Speaker 6:Nobody told you to throw that mic, Jess. You did that all on your own. It's like that it moans.
Speaker 5:She's giving you a hard stare right now. I get it after that.
Speaker 8:Yeah, I get it. Your internet is no better Okay.
Speaker 1:You guys.
Speaker 3:My God, she's catching up.
Speaker 1:Okay, dina, just take it out, blow into the cartridge.
Speaker 9:And put it in. I don't understand the old man reference.
Speaker 4:Your wife last night.
Speaker 8:Jesus Christ, I mean Jess, you got to know what a Nintendo is, Like you know what a Nintendo entertainment system is.
Speaker 1:Alex, would you like to introduce Dina's conspiracy corner?
Speaker 6:I would, yes. Thank you so much. In the deepest, darkest webs, in the shadowy corners, lies a single teller of the truth lit in a spotlight, and that person is Dinosaurus. It's time for conspiracy corner Dina.
Speaker 3:Wow, that was beautiful. Ten years so fired, alright.
Speaker 8:You two just want to kick him while we're doing this.
Speaker 6:Just fire him right now. Yeah, yeah, merry.
Speaker 8:Christmas.
Speaker 3:Oh, he's sending me the facts.
Speaker 5:Does he celebrate Christmas, or is that like a?
Speaker 1:No, he's. He's a little more Hanukkah Jew. Yeah, that's our thought.
Speaker 3:Anne Hathaway is married to Shakespeare, so he's not dead and he's been reincarnated. When he died, he told his wife in their next life that she'd be more famous than him. They were both born in April and there's some sort of like. I don't know if it's the exact date or whatever, but they were both born in April and Shakespeare was also married to a woman named Anne Hathaway.
Speaker 5:Anne Hathaway.
Speaker 1:Yeah, this one checks out.
Speaker 6:Yeah, have you seen a picture of Anne Hathaway's husband? Because he doesn't look like he fucking knows how to spread three words together, but he looks like Shakespeare. I don't think that's true.
Speaker 5:Can you show us?
Speaker 3:Anne Hathaway's husband. I can show you. I mean, yeah, Sean can show you. Isn't there also a theory of?
Speaker 9:Am I supposed to be the?
Speaker 1:discordant woman.
Speaker 8:Adam Shulman.
Speaker 1:That.
Speaker 9:Shakespeare went.
Speaker 1:Guys, is Jess just hammering the?
Speaker 5:internet. Right now I'm trying different things.
Speaker 9:Oh my God, I thought, maybe if I turned off my camera. You're doing so good Thank you Are you fine, anne, you're doing so good, I should turn the camera off.
Speaker 5:Yeah, it does sound nice it did help.
Speaker 8:It helped because now I just can't tell whether your voice is off sync from your lips or not.
Speaker 9:Yeah, exactly, dear audience, I know this guy.
Speaker 6:Look at this guy. He looks like Owen.
Speaker 5:Wilson mixed with Ryan Gosling Wow.
Speaker 4:Oh my God, rince, he really does. Wow, that was really spot on, wow.
Speaker 6:That was a really specific one, wow.
Speaker 8:I don't know if this guy's handsome or not. I don't know if this guy's handsome or hideous. I can't tell.
Speaker 5:Or does he?
Speaker 3:suck yeah, like I think he's ugly. Wow, I mean, it doesn't help that, anne.
Speaker 8:Hathaway looks like a rubber doll in this picture. Oh, what am I drinking?
Speaker 1:Thanks for asking guys. It's cut water peppermint.
Speaker 8:That's all right, because nobody likes cut water. Anyway, get out of here, I might as well, call it cut water, am I right? It's a chasis.
Speaker 4:What's going on on the internet this week.
Speaker 5:What is he staring at? He's like one of those pictures that looks at you no matter which way you're moving. I don't like him. He is Shakespeare.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I don't like him.
Speaker 8:Yeah, Actually I think he's not. He's that other guy that fought with Shakespeare.
Speaker 5:Oh he's.
Speaker 8:Ben.
Speaker 3:Johnson, aaron Burr. He's got his name Aaron Burr, william Tell.
Speaker 5:Yes, it was William Tell.
Speaker 8:He just wants to be in the room where it happens From the 1800s.
Speaker 3:Oh yeah, you're right. Okay, so yeah, that's conspiracy quarter with Dina. You're welcome. Thanks, Dina.
Speaker 7:That was a wonderful segment.
Speaker 6:What fruitful jokes we got from that bit guys. Let me tell you.
Speaker 1:Totally keeping that in the final cut, you guys.
Speaker 6:That branch yielded some really great fruit.
Speaker 5:Alex went through and created this intro, and then we just shit on it. Shit on the whole stone, bit bit.
Speaker 9:Just 10 seconds, and you guys just fall apart.
Speaker 1:I'm glad I'm not there right now.
Speaker 6:Now, do you think that was on a timed release so that he was going to say that regardless?
Speaker 5:Well, right now, I mean, if Daniel's wife has the hurls, he's on a timed release at the moment, like he's got maybe 12 hours before it hits.
Speaker 1:I don't know, man, I don't know, do we want to start the game because Bob needs to host it and if he has a hard, stop at some?
Speaker 8:point. Oh no, that game broke. I broke that game. You broke it, I broke it, I failed. That's what I was saying. I had all sorts of things failed today. Oh shit, okay, can we blame Mix Baby for this too? Jesus Christ, yes, yes, no, I'm blaming these other babies that I had to take to fucking chuck you Jesus.
Speaker 5:I like how Bob is like uncompleted about other babies and then he's literally got like. He's got like the trauma babies that he had to go literally be dead too for today.
Speaker 8:Yeah, it was so weird. They asked to hold my hand too.
Speaker 5:Oh God, no, yeah, no, it was actually heartbreaking.
Speaker 8:I almost, I almost cried.
Speaker 3:Send them back. Is there like?
Speaker 8:a 30 day return policy.
Speaker 7:You guys, I'm back to their grandmother so it's fine, I'm gonna love for children Love and love.
Speaker 8:These ones are broken. Can you please take them back?
Speaker 6:Take it back to the orphanage and be like I'm sorry I'm gonna let, I'm lemon-lawing this kid. His hands are always sticky. They're sticking.
Speaker 9:Oh, my God.
Speaker 1:All right, so Bob's game segment is broken.
Speaker 8:I'm sorry, I'm so sorry everyone. I failed, I failed you. It's so much wrong. I'm, I'm, I'm piece of shit.
Speaker 1:Dina plans like 17 games, so I think we could.
Speaker 8:Okay, I love them.
Speaker 3:They're great games. It's a Christmas miracle.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:So let's go ahead and play oh. It's okay. It's a little raw. I don't know if you can see like For the folks again.
Speaker 1:Dina. Dina grabs dry ice with her bare hands earlier. Oh, you never, you never touch the dry ice?
Speaker 3:Oh don't do that, so here's the thing.
Speaker 1:She knows that but she was an autopilot.
Speaker 3:No, it so it was. It was upside down, so there was no warning label, so I thought it was regular ice and I had just been digging ice out of the freezer. So because I've got a deep freezer and I was trying to like, I pick it.
Speaker 1:It was an ice digging mode, you know. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3:So I grabbed it, thinking it was regular ice, and I quickly realized that the warning label was underneath.
Speaker 5:Did you put it in a drink or anything like that, or To kill myself I mean, you can do you?
Speaker 3:can do that.
Speaker 8:No, you can do that.
Speaker 1:It's just no, you can drink dry ice.
Speaker 4:I don't know. It's a chemical that burns it's just carbon dioxide.
Speaker 6:It's literally what you breathe out.
Speaker 4:The chef would like to say something. Thanks boys.
Speaker 6:I have worked with dry ice before and I'm saying that if you pee on it, it will Be better your hands.
Speaker 3:Do you mean the burn or the ice? Yeah, why would you be coming out of the burn? It will feel.
Speaker 4:Oh, I'm not going to go do that. Yeah, why would you pee on the ice, you fucking?
Speaker 3:idiot.
Speaker 6:Fucking. That is actually what I thought for a second. I was like wait, is it?
Speaker 8:going to be fun? Is it going to be an exciting?
Speaker 6:thing that we do.
Speaker 4:And it's really fun to pee on. Yeah, it's kind of like. I thought this was like a bleach in the toilet situation where it would like create like burns up your vagina.
Speaker 3:Dina, dina for one.
Speaker 5:Sit in a bathtub full of oatmeal and then we'll just we're seven of us will do a pee, pee, bukake on the place that you burned. I don't know. No, no, no, no, no, no. Wow, that was the worst thing you've ever said.
Speaker 6:I have a question.
Speaker 9:Can I do cocky if I don't have a penis? Yeah, you can. You can, yes, oh yes, absolutely can, okay.
Speaker 8:Have you ever heard of reverse Bukake?
Speaker 9:No, explain, that's just where a bunch of a bunch of women get together and squirt on a guy.
Speaker 8:I don't think that's a reverse Bukake.
Speaker 9:That's just what it's called Like a look at important.
Speaker 6:You know, there are times where I'm recording an episode of critically stupid and I'm like mentally worried about the jokes, are telling you like man, are we really going to like like these jokes are pretty bad, like are we going to get like some flak for this? And then I come on this fucking show and I'm like oh no, I'm fine. Yeah, you're totally golden.
Speaker 3:It's fine Golden shower.
Speaker 8:That's right, ice Okay.
Speaker 1:Do you guys want to do you laugh? You drink Christmas joke addition.
Speaker 5:Yes, yes, I'm fucking ready.
Speaker 4:In the rules. Here are we pairing into groups of two.
Speaker 3:I think we don't have to, it just depends. I wasn't sure.
Speaker 8:There are six of us, it's even yeah.
Speaker 1:Because Dan's gone. So fucking Is that just for scoring purposes, or?
Speaker 3:I just thought that it would be easier because I figured Rance and Bob were going to talk a lot. What the fuck.
Speaker 6:Hey, listen, you nailed that one. You nailed that one Truth. I feel at home. I'm good at it.
Speaker 3:There's never dead air when Rance and Bob over here, okay Okay. So it says.
Speaker 1:One person tells a joke and the others resist Laughing. Whoever laughs has to take a gulp or a shot. Okay, easy, easy, easy. Am I in the present tense or am I?
Speaker 9:from the past. Am I in the future? Can you hear me? I feel like you can't. What does that even mean? I feel like I'm in the future, everybody's everyone be quiet for a second.
Speaker 3:Everyone be quiet, jess, hello, it's two plus two. I don't know that I don't.
Speaker 1:They didn't teach me that.
Speaker 9:Okay.
Speaker 1:So that was only like three seconds. That's not bad, is the?
Speaker 9:answer three. Oh, I, daniel, unfortunately could not rejoin us for the remainder of the episode.
Speaker 4:His, wife is fine, despite having to deal with his bullshit for the rest of her life.
Speaker 1:Please enjoy the rest of today's special Christmas episode.
Speaker 4:All right, so you, let you drink Christmas joke addition here we go, I'll get it started.
Speaker 1:Papa is going to be quiet the rest of the episode.
Speaker 3:He's not going to talk. I find that hard to read. Should we just do rest of the episode?
Speaker 9:Yes, but can we hold on for just?
Speaker 1:one second. Yes, absolutely Okay. Thank you. You know you're in charge.
Speaker 3:It's the Christmas episode, she just leaves.
Speaker 1:She's like can we hold on? Well, bob, I know you're not talking. So maybe we can do this in sort of like an elaborate charade scenario, but can you explain to me why enhancer?
Speaker 6:the reindeer is funny. Yeah, I don't get it, I don't get it, I don't get it, I don't get it, I don't get it, I don't get it. Funny.
Speaker 9:Yeah, I don't get that.
Speaker 6:Oh, because it's your dick. Okay, great, fantastic.
Speaker 1:Because his dick has a red tip is what he's trying to say.
Speaker 9:Oh, you should get that checked out. Okay, get that looked at that's. That's the herp.
Speaker 1:He actually he leads. He leads Santa's sleigh. You know what I'm saying With his cock. Save it for the joke segment. You know what I'm saying yeah.
Speaker 9:I can hear myself through.
Speaker 6:It's going to be tough to get up.
Speaker 9:Is this, what bad. What do you mean? What do you mean by shaking out? What are you doing? What do you mean?
Speaker 1:What do you mean?
Speaker 4:Are you just going to communicate through your dashboard now?
Speaker 5:What do you mean? The fuck is in my drink. I was waiting. Are you fucking? I was waiting. Well, dan peaced out, so it was like, yeah, like two thirds of it I'm going to talk to him now because yeah.
Speaker 8:They're gone. They're gone Like I guess this is our show now Bye. This is now the quarantine book club.
Speaker 6:What's going on? Everybody Welcome. To make it weird, your favorite writing community show for writers by writers, I'm your host. Alexander James. With me today are my two co-pilots, Rance and Uncle Bobo. What's going on, guys? Welcome to our Christmas special. Thank you so much for being here.
Speaker 8:Thanks for having me. Thanks so much. I'm so excited. It's so nice to be here also.
Speaker 1:Dina with the outfit change.
Speaker 5:I was going to introduce you to Chad. Okay, there we go.
Speaker 4:Oh, my God.
Speaker 1:I'm so confused by the outfit change, knowing Dina, easter egg or something.
Speaker 6:How much usable audio do you guys just generated in the last hour?
Speaker 8:Three seconds.
Speaker 1:Seven and a half minutes.
Speaker 8:Yeah.
Speaker 7:Dinosaur's D browser is preventing recording.
Speaker 1:Ask Dinosaur's D to refresh the page. Oh, she left.
Speaker 5:We're going to hear a single gun shot at the end of this recording. I am not editing.
Speaker 4:Good on you.
Speaker 1:I'm sending it, baby, I'm sending it that right there.
Speaker 5:That's the way to go.
Speaker 8:I feel really bad for Jess, because Jess is just.
Speaker 9:I also feel bad for Jess.
Speaker 1:I cannot believe you're here.
Speaker 6:Oh my God, Can you guys hear me now? I missed you, I missed Jess so much.
Speaker 3:Okay, no, I changed because I was sweating my ass off and I was also pumping. So I, like, went to go put that down and I was just hot.
Speaker 1:So were you pumping throughout the whole thing? Yeah, you were pumping that whole time. Yeah, that's not weird.
Speaker 8:No, no, I'm going to jump right in here, that's not weird, that's not funny.
Speaker 6:I think that's how the body works. No, I think it's awesome. I think it's not funny, I think it's hilarious.
Speaker 8:I was like, did it just on the slide?
Speaker 1:She did it on a live show before you guys.
Speaker 4:Yeah, like it's happening. Yeah, I pumped.
Speaker 3:It's incredible that you can do it without anyone noticing. Yeah, okay, so, yeah, we can start the game now. I was really hot and I was just setting everything down.
Speaker 4:There you are, All right you guys.
Speaker 6:Nice, nice, nice, bobo, I fucking love that.
Speaker 1:It's you, lf. You drink Christmas Jokes edition. Okay, let's give it a shot. All right, you guys, I'm going to start us off, because normally Daniel would start us off. It's going to be way better than anything that he frantically Googles in the moment, because he did not prepare Guys. Why can't Mrs Claus get pregnant?
Speaker 3:Because Santa only comes once a year, that's close.
Speaker 1:I was going to say he only comes down chimneys.
Speaker 9:That's what I call my throat.
Speaker 6:And that's a point to Jess Everybody take a sip.
Speaker 7:She stole the point from Shawn Sorry.
Speaker 1:Totally. I should at least get an assist for that.
Speaker 6:No, no, no.
Speaker 1:Just get to every piece of that point.
Speaker 5:It's so good.
Speaker 9:All mine, dina, go for it. I'm going to steal everyone's throat for everyone's points. This is great.
Speaker 8:Can't hear you. You're going to steal everyone's throat. Yeah, that's what I can't hear you do. I do too.
Speaker 1:Not a kind of.
Speaker 9:I don't think your mic is playing.
Speaker 6:Mic input.
Speaker 1:I mean we're hearing you through something.
Speaker 9:I'm glad I'm not the only one having technical difficulties.
Speaker 6:I'm so deeply amused by how badly this episode is.
Speaker 8:Especially because of how like on point Dina was with all of her.
Speaker 4:Oh my gosh, she did great.
Speaker 5:Dan just bailed.
Speaker 3:I won't move again.
Speaker 5:I know that his wife is not feeling well, but Dan is gone.
Speaker 1:Without fail, without fail, the episodes where we put the most effort into coordinating it, planning it, making it really special, it just gets blown up.
Speaker 9:Yep he didn't want to be in the same episode with me and Alex.
Speaker 3:It was his worst nightmare. Okay, are you guys ready?
Speaker 8:Yes, I want to hear this funny joke.
Speaker 3:What a priest and Christmas trees have in common. Their balls are just ornamental.
Speaker 4:I was going to say blue balls.
Speaker 5:I was going to say kids are the ones that help erect them. I don't know Like.
Speaker 3:Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh oh oh, oh oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh oh.
Speaker 8:She was staring at the dog.
Speaker 6:She wanted to be a happy figure there. Everyday, it won't work to fate up and let Jess tell a joke.
Speaker 9:Why is Bobo's penis a broken drum Fuck?
Speaker 4:Because you can't beat it.
Speaker 6:It was the lag that got me shit.
Speaker 1:That was. That was incredible. You can't beat it. You nailed it, jess.
Speaker 7:I'm at least two points God.
Speaker 6:I love her so much. I do too oh.
Speaker 4:God.
Speaker 1:Bob, you got one for us, yeah yeah, I do, I do.
Speaker 8:How do you know if your wife is cheating on you with a snowman? Her lips are frostbitten and there's a carrot between her legs.
Speaker 1:Almost lasted on that one. Almost lasted on that one.
Speaker 5:That was her arouse level right there. Wait, do these have to be dirty jokes?
Speaker 1:No, these have to be, jokes.
Speaker 6:Thank God, I brought purely clean jokes, gramps.
Speaker 5:You ready to do this thing?
Speaker 1:Guest.
Speaker 4:Guest.
Speaker 5:Guest, please Guest, thank you, thank you. What do you guys? What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Speaker 9:Diarrhea, heartbreak.
Speaker 5:Heartbreak. That too, along with the big old case of tinsillitis.
Speaker 9:Oh, like tonsillitis.
Speaker 1:At least in the background.
Speaker 5:I heard my lovely wife in the corner. I hope you guys heard it. I heard my wife in the corner go Ew. Like you're such a bad joke. She just goes Ew.
Speaker 7:She stole your joke.
Speaker 1:Oh my God, alexander James hit us with one.
Speaker 6:How does an octopus go? Does?
Speaker 8:that count.
Speaker 5:Does that count?
Speaker 8:because I'm fucking laughing right now. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Did you drop your mic?
Speaker 9:Yeah, but I did a while ago. I guess I just got on you guys to get hurt. I don't know what the fuck just happened. I knocked it over.
Speaker 1:Alex got him so, so built up. Oh, he knocked it over, yeah. Alex was so built up because of the delay I was really excited.
Speaker 5:Oh my.
Speaker 1:God.
Speaker 5:That was the best, Alex. You can just go again if you don't mind.
Speaker 6:Okay, great. What happens when a strawberry gets run over across the street? It's a traffic jam. It's not Christmas, so how is that Christmas related? You eat strawberries for Christmas. Who eats strawberries for?
Speaker 5:Christmas I didn't do this. And other things you eat for Christmas. They're not strawberries, Turkey dressing, ham, maybe some collard greens, you can have some peas.
Speaker 4:You can have some peas and perlomones corn, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, macaroni and cheese and croissants.
Speaker 5:There are none of those. Have strawberry.
Speaker 3:Back up, back up, back up.
Speaker 9:Say that word again. What did you just say?
Speaker 3:Croissants. He said croissant, croissants, croissants, croissants.
Speaker 1:Croissants, croissants, that's how they say it in Baltimore. I fucking know.
Speaker 5:Alex knows, alex knows.
Speaker 3:How is that word pronounced?
Speaker 6:It's pronounced croissant. Thank you.
Speaker 8:Thank you, that was so.
Speaker 6:French. I'm very happy to bring some class to these fucking proceedings.
Speaker 8:I appreciate it. I appreciate it.
Speaker 3:Yeah, nobody really dressed up for this thing.
Speaker 1:I might make myself laugh with this one. I can't wait. What does Santa say when he climaxes?
Speaker 3:Oh, ho, ho.
Speaker 2:Oh, oh, oh, oh, my God, I think you got within a hair's breadth of crack and bobo with that one.
Speaker 6:I think he held it back.
Speaker 4:I think he held it back with just like a just like a little bit, if you
Speaker 6:had waited a half second longer, it wouldn't have been as funny.
Speaker 5:I don't know why. It was like the perfect timing I cut. I wanted to let it simmer and have some dead air for a second.
Speaker 1:I loved it. I didn't want to take it too long. So, Denosaurus D Hit it.
Speaker 3:What's the most disappointing thing for a man on Christmas morning? His wife, when he gets a sweater, but he's hoping for a screamer or a motor. Got me, sean, come on.
Speaker 6:That's a good. That's a good joke. That's a good joke Got me.
Speaker 5:That's a good joke.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 5:Yes.
Speaker 9:Hit us with a joke. Okay, this is only Christmas, but you know, like the Muppets, that's Christmasy, because I do the whole.
Speaker 7:So strong thing.
Speaker 9:What is it? Yeah, why they did? What is? What is green and smells like pork? What is green and smells like pork? Kermit the Frog's finger.
Speaker 1:Kermit the Frog's what Come again. Is is Dingling, no, his finger. Hey Jess, Hi, hey Jess. Hi Wow, bob will do it. I thought you were doing an erection thing.
Speaker 3:Bob, you kept doing this.
Speaker 1:Well, it's pinky Bob is trying so hard not to talk right now.
Speaker 9:Hey Jess, hey Jess could you do me a favor in exit the studio and come back. I want to see if it helps Okay.
Speaker 8:I'm going to sleep. I want to sleep. Jess's internet problems are the funniest joke I've ever done. I love them.
Speaker 5:I know it's great about Jess though is, she's really trying to be here.
Speaker 4:Jess is amazing.
Speaker 5:Jess is amazing.
Speaker 8:I can't believe she's fucking here, I still can't believe she's fucking here.
Speaker 1:Dude when I asked her.
Speaker 8:Can I keep going while we're waiting for her? Yeah, sorry, go ahead. I'm going to go and get a little bit of a run over by a cement truck and she was not able to get anything for anyone for Christmas. And she was always the present buyer, and her dad was a lazy piece of garbage. So what did he get for Rance? He went down to the basement and got him a box of gun ammo. This is not a joke. This is my Christmas joke. That was a niche target audience but I have a lot of fun.
Speaker 4:I'm going to go and get a little bit of a run over by a cement truck.
Speaker 6:Listen, it was a niche target audience, but I appreciate the it's me.
Speaker 8:It was. It was made for me to laugh, that's it, that just?
Speaker 4:made me really sad.
Speaker 8:He really said he was through a song about it.
Speaker 5:Yeah, he was at that time. He was 78 and had a lot of like. He didn't exactly he wasn't really, you know, he was suffering some dementia stuff. Jess, you look great.
Speaker 7:Jess, it's so much better, it's so much better Nobody.
Speaker 8:Yeah, it works.
Speaker 9:It worked. It's really weird, thanks.
Speaker 7:The day.
Speaker 9:I know, I don't know, I'm overwhelmed with joy right now.
Speaker 1:You guys are so happy. Oh my God.
Speaker 7:I'm so happy.
Speaker 9:I'm so happy, I'm so happy.
Speaker 3:I'm just so happy. Thank you.
Speaker 1:Oh, sir, how did it feel to be the one surprise instead of doing the surprises, sean I, it feels wonderful. I had. I felt no anxiety or stress about recording tonight at all. Normally I get like pretty, pretty like Swepped up in the.
Speaker 5:I need to be ready. Am I ready?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I know, isn't it great? Was that the true?
Speaker 8:Christmas miracles that Daniel just fucking left.
Speaker 6:It's so nice we're all here happy If somebody sends me the rundown. I'll be Daniel. I swear to God.
Speaker 3:Well.
Speaker 8:I'm just going to show up late and just.
Speaker 4:I'm just wondering if there's a round out.
Speaker 5:You were the surprise for a guy who's just not here.
Speaker 3:I sent every guest the rundown.
Speaker 6:Um yeah, If somebody can re send me the rundown.
Speaker 5:Hey guys, how many potatoes do you need to make potato pancake?
Speaker 3:Your mom what?
Speaker 6:It's like two and a half. It depends on the recipe.
Speaker 5:We're up chef A lot Kate.
Speaker 4:Oh, my God, Daniel would elect that one Not doing it man Not doing it.
Speaker 7:RIP Good guy Alex.
Speaker 1:Wow, that was just. That was incredible Rance. Thank you so much for that.
Speaker 8:Got you, I got you Alexander James. How was that Christmas?
Speaker 5:It's a Hanukkah joke. It's a Hanukkah.
Speaker 8:OK, well, I'm going to take your fuck.
Speaker 5:So if I have to bring the Hanukkah because Daniel's not here.
Speaker 6:Please order in the courtroom, as I I'm going to, I'm going to wrangle this ship into usable audio territory for the first time in the last. I'm going to check my clock here. Fifty nine runtime minutes, so we're going to jump into Christmas. Would you rather questions? Because I scrolled straight to the middle of the rundown and I don't give a fuck.
Speaker 3:That's where we're at.
Speaker 6:So, bob, yes, would you rather Hang mistletoe in the bathroom at Walmart or above your desk at work?
Speaker 8:Oh my.
Speaker 6:God, the bathroom in Walmart. Please explain why and who you're hoping to lure with this mistletoe.
Speaker 8:Anybody but the woman that's in the office next to me.
Speaker 6:What's it? I immediately need to know more, more than a she's.
Speaker 8:I mean, look you guys, look I'm going to get in so much shit for this person I'm talking about right now, Like I. Let's just hope nobody listens to my podcast or this podcast that.
Speaker 1:I know here's now. It is your podcast. It's a little dance gone, it's gone.
Speaker 6:So, fuck it yeah, and anybody At this point the woman, the woman, that OK.
Speaker 8:So, dina, you know how you were like in a cult.
Speaker 3:Yeah, this, this woman is basically still in a cult.
Speaker 8:For the most part it's weird, I don't like it she's very super overly like religious and like doesn't like it when I say curse words, and I say curse words a lot.
Speaker 4:Yeah, mm hmm, yeah, I know exactly the time.
Speaker 5:I think my favorite part of this, though, is that I actually Alex. I don't know if you read that, right. I'm just going to, because if we Sorry, let me hit it.
Speaker 6:Let me hit it If we look in the right hand. It's not the Walmart. It's, it's. No, it's not. What is it? What is it? It's?
Speaker 5:it's Walmarat.
Speaker 6:That's true, I know my.
Speaker 5:Walmarat. So not not. So what do you mean? Clearly, you saw, you know like what is a Walmarat, you know oh?
Speaker 9:you know it was an American thing that I didn't know.
Speaker 7:I just leave to.
Speaker 6:I, I tried to clean it up, I tried to fix it. I was like I'm pretty sure it's not one more at. Maybe it was Fuck me, I guess.
Speaker 8:And no reason. What's?
Speaker 4:the other way.
Speaker 8:I'm going to hang it at work because no Walmarat for me.
Speaker 6:I don't want to want more after Christmas. The scariest arrest. Ok, sean the producer would would you rather never receive a gift, ever again. Take a second to contemplate that horrible, bleak existence or Give everyone in your family a sex toy this Christmas.
Speaker 1:That's easy for me, man. I'm much more of a gift giver and, like I get, I get more joy at giving gifts than Then taking them, so I would give up receiving gifts to avoid.
Speaker 3:And why did I do all this for you?
Speaker 8:Oh, no, wow.
Speaker 6:Wow, not funny and a little mean Worst twist you can. Ok, this one's going to go to my main girl. Just Jesse, with me.
Speaker 9:Alex, alex, alex, would you rather have sex with an elf? Yes, or give Santa a BJ. A BJ is in a blow job, I don't know.
Speaker 8:Guys, you guys are asking the wrong person that question. The answer is both, please.
Speaker 6:I, I. I think Santa's piece tastes like gingerbread meat, to taste a little bit like a peppermint stick, and I would like to gozzle that, please, gossel.
Speaker 8:Gossel it, I'm gosseling it.
Speaker 6:Santa's not enough.
Speaker 4:Have you ever fucking watched it? I was in the fucking fucking. Zoom.
Speaker 9:Yeah, the penis is minty. Wouldn't it like burn?
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 8:You got to have your fucking him, but if you're blowing him, that's fine.
Speaker 5:Sam is an elf.
Speaker 6:He's not.
Speaker 8:Sam is an elf according to the original. Oh my God. It says the Jolly old elf. It does say he's a jolly old elf, bob.
Speaker 5:And if Dan was here, who celebrate Tonica, dan would confirm because according to the Dresden files, he is a member of the fake horse. Why the fuck did you bring up the Dan one and then pivot?
Speaker 7:straight to the Dresden files. Also, that doesn't mean that he's an elf.
Speaker 8:He's a fairy, different, different.
Speaker 1:Also, he's also under the fake horse. Okay, spoiler, he's Odin Faye adjacent.
Speaker 5:According to Narnia. You could do. You could have sex with an elf and blow like, like you do, the same person.
Speaker 8:I'm doing both of them anyway, my dude, so who cares?
Speaker 5:Just do Santa and then blow Santa.
Speaker 3:Oh, you could do that, santa is tired.
Speaker 9:Santa Like you and an elf.
Speaker 6:Santa's got it right here. So, sean, that's the thumbnail is all five of us. Oh God, I'm going to make a star out of it. I'm going to rotate people.
Speaker 4:No, I'm going to put the little D that's empty, with Dan not there in the center, instead of the star of David, the star of dipshits, yeah.
Speaker 8:Oh, my God.
Speaker 6:That's got to be six of them right, Isn't the star of David, six of us, yeah.
Speaker 8:Six point star because it's two triangles. Yeah, that's a lot more work. I'm going to make a star out of it. I'm going to rotate people. No, I'm going to make a star out of it.
Speaker 3:Oh my God, that's so cool.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's a lot more work than we can.
Speaker 6:You're not going for a pentagram? Oh my God, all right, we still have one for Jess. Yes, jess Hi, would you? Would you rather have amazing sex Every time mariah carries all I want for Christmas plays Mm-hmm. Lose a pound every time someone says Merry Christmas.
Speaker 1:Do you have to be an earshot of the song, or is it just any time I was anywhere in the world?
Speaker 9:Why is it stuck in my head, like it's always stuck in my head? I don't want to lose pounds, neither the currency nor the measurement.
Speaker 1:Well, this is fucking exciting, that's what you don't say it's great is her local recording is going to get everything she actually said, and that's what.
Speaker 8:I'm going to use in the cap, of course, of course, jess.
Speaker 9:I feel so bad because we're just hearing none of what you're saying. I don't know why. Why?
Speaker 1:You're cutting in and out, so like we'll get one word every five or six words. So sad God. It was so good for a minute.
Speaker 8:She's gone, Left oh look as usual, bobo's pain just disappears.
Speaker 1:I don't know, just retracted, hey, alex.
Speaker 5:Brant, I got a question for you. Please, would you want to kiss the Grinch with tongue? I think that's a very serious question. I think that, because they are spelled the same, I think bunions have got some secret flavor sauce wrapped up in those delightful feet, calluses, and I do.
Speaker 6:Can I, ok, can I? Can I propose like a trade seeds, ok, ok, ok, I like this, let's think about, I will, I will kiss the Grinch. I think that's a very serious question. I think that because they are spelled the same, I think bunions have got some secret flavor sauce wrapped up in those delightful feet calluses. I think that, because they are spelled the same, I think that, because they are spelled the same, I think bunions have got some secret flavor sauce wrapped up in those delightful feet calluses.
Speaker 5:Ok, ok, ok, I think that I will kiss the Grinch Sounds tongue. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 6:If you will, let me microplane Ebenezer Scrooge's bunions over like a French onion soup. Can you please record it so I can?
Speaker 5:watch it, because those are like the forbidden. It's like the forbidden, you get right there. I bet there's some liquidy center in the middle of that bite. Yeah, I'm all about that.
Speaker 1:Oh, bargain accepted, I'm right there with you.
Speaker 7:Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ha.
Speaker 5:Bargain accepted.
Speaker 1:Pailed that. Do you want to share that with everyone else? Have you guys seen this tiktok?
Speaker 3:Look, everybody see me.
Speaker 9:Is this what bad? What do you mean? What do you mean by?
Speaker 6:shaking it. What are you doing? What do you mean? What do you mean? What do you mean?
Speaker 1:First we feast is going to sue us.
Speaker 3:Okay, you guys see this, it's an A right yeah. H, ha ha ha ha. Yeah, ha, ha, ha ha.
Speaker 8:I'm really, really curious to know what lead tastes like right now.
Speaker 6:I'm curious to know what Dan's at, oh god.
Speaker 1:Oh God, it's going so well, you guys, Guys.
Speaker 5:I am so proud of Dan.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 5:To have such confidence in your brand so you can just let it go. It just functions on its own. You've got the organization of Dina, producer Sean. You've got the magnetism of Alex James and you've got the idiocy of me and Bobo. You've got the not being here of Jess because of digital problems. You've got the not being here of Daniel because, well, he's Dan. Life problems, wife puke.
Speaker 6:Yeah, Now. Now, very briefly, I'm just. I'm reading this run down for literally the first time in my life. That's cool. It does say Dina will sing the Poop Song.
Speaker 1:Don't worry, Daniel does that too.
Speaker 8:Oh my God, dina, sing the Poop Song right now, please, please.
Speaker 3:Wait, let me whet my whistle. Hoden, what Jess? No.
Speaker 7:No, no, jess, I'm not moving, just in the honor of Jess leaving Poop, poop be doop ladies and gents, the daddy's gotta go.
Speaker 3:Almost stuck the landing.
Speaker 6:Wow, that's really it. Huh, that's the song.
Speaker 1:That's the fucking song, man.
Speaker 4:That is it.
Speaker 3:So yeah, the background of that song is that my dad would sing that when I was little every time he had to go poop. So yeah, you're welcome.
Speaker 6:Bobo, what did your father sing every time he had to make a bottle of poop?
Speaker 8:He said Bobo, I gotta go tell your mom she's a piece of shit and you're doing everything half-assed. Get the fuck out of here. I'm going to punch your brother three times in the chest. It's so true.
Speaker 1:Snatch, you guys. Bobo's peen resurrected in his back. Bobo's peen.
Speaker 8:I just want to know how long it's going to take for Jess's internet to fucking shit out yet again.
Speaker 9:Is it working? Is it good for now?
Speaker 1:Yes it is working. It's good for now.
Speaker 8:You set it and then your face just melted into pixels. That's fine.
Speaker 1:Okay, but the final product won't look like that, so don't be a dick.
Speaker 8:I know how Riverside works. Sean, I'm your audio only podcast.
Speaker 1:You know how Riverside works.
Speaker 8:Yes, because I still use Riverside. I have to stare fucking Ranson Mick every time and it's terrible.
Speaker 1:Incredible.
Speaker 6:Okay, all right, it's time we're going to. We're going to Dina's editing this document, right?
Speaker 1:in front of my eyes. It's a real fucking trip. It's a living document. Okay.
Speaker 6:We are going to vote. We are going to take a vote. We're going to play this or that, or Christmas word, association or both.
Speaker 1:I thought that would you rather was this or that. What's the difference.
Speaker 6:It is. See, if I had read the run down. If I had read the run down, I probably would have so listen guest, guest C made that decision for us. Am I guest? C, did I get to mode it so far from host.
Speaker 1:Oh God.
Speaker 5:You'll always be the host to me, alex James. Thank you, ritz, no problem, I think Jess is over there talking, but I just see her mouth moving.
Speaker 9:I don't see her mouth moving.
Speaker 5:Host A.
Speaker 9:I didn't move my mouth.
Speaker 5:Oh, it was the internet.
Speaker 1:It's just.
Speaker 3:Oh no, this is the worst. What are you drinking tonight, dina? Thank you, yeah, I'm drinking the worst shit that's ever been made. It's hard White phrase, horrible.
Speaker 8:I mean, you had plenty of time to get out there and just say what you were drinking. It's not like it hasn't been like 45 minutes ago.
Speaker 3:Like, I wait for Daniel to give me in, so go get more.
Speaker 1:He's not going to do that.
Speaker 3:He's broken. Tonight White freeze.
Speaker 5:His white freeze White peeing.
Speaker 8:White peeing. The white pee, they call it white pee, it turns.
Speaker 7:White peeing.
Speaker 8:I'm going to go, let's do this game.
Speaker 5:Let's do this game.
Speaker 1:Let's do this game because I'm going to go. After this game I have to leave. We have exhausted the rundown, so this is all we have left.
Speaker 5:Christmas word association y'all Thank you yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I love it.
Speaker 1:Let's go. We're going to start with Alexander James. I'm going to give him a Christmas word and then we'll see where we land. Love it.
Speaker 3:Then we'll do another word after that.
Speaker 1:So remember word association. Don't think about it. Quickly respond with the first word that comes to your head.
Speaker 3:Sponge.
Speaker 4:Sponge Sponge.
Speaker 1:Alexander James, the word is.
Speaker 6:Grinch Elastic.
Speaker 1:Rants Tweezers Bob.
Speaker 8:Hair.
Speaker 9:Yes, ingrown, ingrown.
Speaker 1:Nailed it, I think it just should go last, why Cubic Ew? Hell yeah, you know what's the best about playing word association with Dina Is she legitimately doesn't think about it and she reacts to her own word. With us it's strange.
Speaker 9:I was going to say Melton, I'm a long time ago.
Speaker 1:I was a little bit surprised. You monster, what's your name? Cubic? Oh Gross, oh my God, okay, so yeah, we'll do the same thing and Jess will go last this time. She could put the button on it and you know what. Maybe we won't find out what the word is until post, but we'll see. That's good, alex. The word is Missalto Camelto.
Speaker 6:Buries Cock.
Speaker 5:Excuse me, what.
Speaker 6:Excuse me, what's the?
Speaker 3:word Cock Boxers, and then Bob's like Jess, what do you say?
Speaker 1:Boxers Is that the word?
Speaker 9:I also can't hear Boxers. Yeah, she said, she said.
Speaker 1:Boxers.
Speaker 4:I don't know, pinas. Nice, we got there, we got there, stuck the landing.
Speaker 2:Just.
Speaker 6:Just explain yourself, buries, but okay, there's, there's berries.
Speaker 1:You need the mind mask, hold on. No, it was on Mind map Right, right, right.
Speaker 5:So it was on camel toe, which wasn't associated anywhere, guard Missile toe. I was just thinking about cigarettes Now, back in like 2001,. Because I was thinking of camel, back in like 2001. Okay, okay, camel cigarettes put out these tins of flavored cigarettes, one that was peach flavored and one that was, like I remember that, tropical berry flavored, thank you. So the minute I heard camel toe, I thought of cigarettes 2001. Have in a few of those who boy.
Speaker 1:That was back when Congress didn't care about the children.
Speaker 5:They didn't, they didn't know, as opposed to Now and 19 year old me was like I was sucking these bitches down. They don't even let you have mental anymore.
Speaker 1:It's, it's yeah. All, the, all, the all the fun flavors that sound like candy or band.
Speaker 4:Yeah, you know what I'm here, just for, just For, for For.
Speaker 1:For.
Speaker 4:Come back.
Speaker 9:Okay, yeah, you're still here, though I'm back we got.
Speaker 3:We got Really bad, Really bad. Wait what Whoa.
Speaker 8:I can hear my. What's happening? There's an explosion.
Speaker 1:Okay, fix it I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't.
Speaker 2:I can't.
Speaker 1:I can't I can't. I'm going to quit, ok, this is fun.
Speaker 8:I love you.
Speaker 6:I love you, bobbo, you're amazing.
Speaker 3:Hi Bobbo. Hi Bobbo, nice to meet you.
Speaker 8:Mary holidays, whatever you celebrate, I suggest it's finally nice to meet you in virtual person. Everyone don't listen to our podcast. It fucking sucks and fuck. I got to remember how to fucking quit. Bye, ok.
Speaker 6:What is your favorite holiday tradition in your house? Love this. Let's start with producer Sean.
Speaker 1:For Christmas Eve everyone gets new jammies.
Speaker 6:Oh that's awesome. That's so rad.
Speaker 5:Do you get? Matching jammies in your family, or does everybody get like a fun fun pair?
Speaker 1:Everyone gets jammies that are catered to their personality.
Speaker 6:You know what I love about that is like that celebrates the sort of like very childlike night before Christmas. It celebrates that like you're going to sleep thing, like that's cool as hell.
Speaker 1:And we all wear our new jammies to bed and we all wear them.
Speaker 9:Do you wash?
Speaker 6:them.
Speaker 5:That's in the morning. They wash.
Speaker 6:No.
Speaker 5:You wear them for maybe eight and a half hours no.
Speaker 1:What Clothes are never the same after you wash them the first time.
Speaker 5:Why would you wash?
Speaker 1:them Because they're fine.
Speaker 6:You got to get that. Yeah, you got to get that store level like starch. You got to get that store level dust on your skin so that you stay strong.
Speaker 1:I love the smell of a Chinese manufacturing facility. And that's what my new jammies smell like.
Speaker 5:Same here.
Speaker 1:Sean.
Speaker 6:Same here, like peanuts and boks, and I'm sad, the first time I have to wash them Like leather and popcorn.
Speaker 1:I like, exactly like leather and popcorn. That's like exactly.
Speaker 5:You walk into any target that smells like leather and popcorn and you're like thanks, france, for that one.
Speaker 6:Okay, rance. Yeah, what is your favorite holiday tradition?
Speaker 5:Yes, yes.
Speaker 6:Let's ask Jess really quick, Jess.
Speaker 5:what's your favorite?
Speaker 6:holiday tradition.
Speaker 9:Last.
Speaker 5:I haven't got that?
Speaker 6:Oh my God, fuck. You're not going to be here by then. It sounds so good. No living room.
Speaker 7:Rance.
Speaker 9:Yeah, should I open this? I got it from my birthday. It's a 10-year-old.
Speaker 1:Yes, what is it Tiny persico?
Speaker 5:You should. You're so cute, okay, you should, don't shake it, you're going to blow it up.
Speaker 5:Favorite holiday tradition. It's a fairly new one, but my wife and I on the 23rd, my wife and I take the dog. We put the dog in the back of the car, we dress in comfies which are like our pajamas, but we don't buy any ones. We dress in comfies, we get a hot drink and we go in her car listen to Christmas music and we go. We plan out a route to go look at Christmas lights, because we don't really hang Christmas lights ourselves, but it's something that we do at like 11.30 at night on the 23rd, because the 24th and the 25th are a little wild and we look forward to it every year and the path is never the same and we have an absolute great time. It's just perfect time, like for our tiny little family outside of like, outside of extended family and all that shit.
Speaker 9:It's just time for us, that's the cutest I've ever heard my life.
Speaker 6:That's so great. That's so great. Rance, that's so wholesome the cutest I've ever heard. Thanks, thanks, dino. What is a favorite holiday tradition that exists in your house?
Speaker 3:I have two favorites. So the first one is I like that for every gift that you open, you have to use it once before you open up another one. That's so cute, yeah, like even if it's monopoly or like risk or whatever, like you have to play before you can open another one Play monopoly.
Speaker 6:Yeah, that's cool.
Speaker 1:I really like that.
Speaker 7:I'm a fan of the one that's been in my work.
Speaker 9:So it started to fucking sex toy.
Speaker 5:You went right here in front of the family Right now so I got to go correct without real quick. It's Christmas morning, returns, grandma's getting out the buzzer, ew.
Speaker 3:It started because my dad found a bunch of board games and like toys under my brother's beds that were never open from Christmas and it was like July. It was like fuck you guys, you're going to use everything you know what.
Speaker 5:You know what, though I think that's a really healthy tradition, too, because it also suggests that we need to be receiving things that are useful but also novel, like if you give me a six pack of socks, how do I deal with that? Do I got to put all the socks on and then put them away.
Speaker 9:Can I be wearing any more clothes?
Speaker 3:You have to wear one of the pairs of socks. See, that's the size we've been missing the last time.
Speaker 6:That's right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we did that.
Speaker 6:Can we start?
Speaker 1:over? Can we start? Can we get Bob back and start? We can.
Speaker 6:We roll. Bring them all back in. Bring them all back in, Alexine. What about?
Speaker 5:yours? What's one of your? I'm sorry, dina, I was just helping.
Speaker 3:No, it's okay, Go ahead.
Speaker 6:No, you said you had two Dina. Oh yeah, what's the other one? I?
Speaker 3:just like to watch the movie no Time for Surgeons Every Christmas. It was my dad's favorite.
Speaker 6:How come Aw, just because it's?
Speaker 3:It was my dad's favorite and we have all the lines memorized. That's adorable, I love that Cool.
Speaker 9:What's that at?
Speaker 1:You memorized all the lines from the movie I actually did.
Speaker 3:Yeah, we each took a part. I can quote that fucking movie.
Speaker 5:Let's go, you watch that and I watch the fucking past every Christmas.
Speaker 7:The fuck is the past, the past.
Speaker 1:Was it John Leguizamo?
Speaker 5:John Leguizamo. Watch the past, the one where he is. It's basically the most dangerous game. Only he's like the most annoying person in the world. All right, cool. It's bad, it's not a good movie.
Speaker 1:It's not, no, it's a bad movie. It's good because it's bad. All right, just a mess. I don't have a lot of.
Speaker 9:I didn't grow up with a lot of Christmas traditions because Vietnamese immigrants. But we had a tree growing up and we had one of those lights. It was rainbow colored and it had tacky music that would play. And then the light to the music. So now Christmas doesn't feel like Christmas. I want us to like your shitty dollar store light music. Yeah, that's awesome.
Speaker 5:Do you have anything that produces shitty dollar store light music with?
Speaker 9:you at the moment no other than.
Speaker 5:Is the shitty dollar store music with you in the room right now.
Speaker 1:Oh, that's great.
Speaker 6:I also loved Jess. I loved the surprise appearance of Gus, just for that brief moment.
Speaker 9:You know he's pissed, I missed it I missed, gus Missed that cat.
Speaker 6:That cat, rad, is hell.
Speaker 9:He's a good boy. He did Right on the segment and it showed him sitting and he can spin. Can sit, yes, and spin.
Speaker 6:I've started brushing his teeth every night before bed it's tick, not record. That sounds hard as hell.
Speaker 1:Sounds perfect. I tried to brush my dog's teeth before and it's not fun One time.
Speaker 9:Well, the dentist is going to be like oh yeah, or like that, or like he's going to have like thousand dollar. My dentist wants me to have a thousand dollar surgery? I'm like no, just scrape it off and then I send my little scan to to see if he's dying. Fine.
Speaker 1:My dog had 14 teeth pulled because they were rotted, that's.
Speaker 6:Isn't that most of them? All of the teeth, yeah.
Speaker 1:He has very few teeth left.
Speaker 3:I don't think I could do it, it's chicken flavor.
Speaker 1:Hey um, hey Rance.
Speaker 6:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I think you know what just happened. Did you use your right hand? Did you?
Speaker 6:buffalo, you stupid bitch.
Speaker 1:I was watering.
Speaker 6:Just buffaloed again I did.
Speaker 5:Drink the rest of it.
Speaker 6:Drink the rest of that water.
Speaker 7:I'm down the water.
Speaker 6:I already have a brief sense of wisdom Hydrator didroid you simple bitch.
Speaker 9:I'm trying to have a solo cup.
Speaker 6:A blue solo cup.
Speaker 9:One of the people to know I'm sorry, I got buffled in twice.
Speaker 5:Hey Alex James, what's your favorite holiday tradition?
Speaker 6:Stop talking shit about my blue solo cup by the way, thank you so much for asking. Every Christmas Eve, my wife and I watch the Santa Claus with Tim Allen. Oh, that's good.
Speaker 6:And my wife treats that movie like it is a a bullet train straight from her childhood. And I watched that movie for that one scene where I can mock that little idiot child for complaining that there isn't any chocolate milk at Denny's. Fuck you, you overcompensated, spoiled idiot American child, drink your regular milk. Of course it's fine. This waitress is doing her goddamn best. You stupid son of a bitch that that milk. Out of a bag. I was like he's like plain milk is fine. I'm like I hate you child.
Speaker 1:So is when you guys put that movie on, is it like the moment where judge Reinhold finally gets his weenie whistle from judge?
Speaker 6:Judge Reinhold is so funny to me and then he's like, and then Tim Allen's like, and you should see him walk on water and his kids like what. It's a really good movie, okay, okay, follow up question what's your least favorite holiday movie? We're going to flip the order where you start with the least favorite holiday movie.
Speaker 3:Oh least favorite, sorry, oh, no you can't start.
Speaker 5:You can't start with me.
Speaker 3:Oh no.
Speaker 6:Um, I got you, if you want me to start. Yeah, no no, no, I want you to start because I want not.
Speaker 1:I want the pressure. The pressure builds good things. Press Dina, yes, yes, correct answer.
Speaker 9:Good answer.
Speaker 6:Because that movie sucks.
Speaker 1:It's not good, the movie is fine, it's it's the creepy animation.
Speaker 5:Valley.
Speaker 6:Tom Hanks yeah, I hate him and why is he also a ghost on top of the train?
Speaker 3:Tom Hanks plays seven characters in that movie.
Speaker 5:Why the man needs to stop. He's too powerful.
Speaker 1:I bet half of them are actually his brother.
Speaker 5:That movie.
Speaker 4:The voiceover for Woody.
Speaker 1:Yeah, his brother does anything. That's not an actual toy story movie, but features. Woody is voiced by his brother, jim Hanks.
Speaker 2:Fucking.
Speaker 6:Jim Hanks crouched at the end of the acting table. Please, sir, okay, rance, yeah, elf, oh, correct, that's a good answer. I do not. I, I find that movie Simply irresistibly frustrating, annoying and aggravating, mostly because I think it's Will Ferrell.
Speaker 5:I just don't really deeply care for Will Ferrell.
Speaker 3:That's fair, my dad hated him too, but like I don't like this.
Speaker 7:Yeah.
Speaker 5:And I recognize that I might be in the minority for that like it's just a movie that I just don't like.
Speaker 3:My cousins- watch Elf 25 days in a row for December. I'm not kidding.
Speaker 7:I shit myself 25 days.
Speaker 5:Did they?
Speaker 6:like sell their soul to the devil. And that was his. That was the side of his bargain.
Speaker 1:No, it's like TBS when they when they play a Christmas story 24 hours a day for a week because that's all they could afford to get the rights for in fucking December.
Speaker 3:Funny thing. Oh, please, it's ranch.
Speaker 1:That was a fucking hot, take man I love that.
Speaker 6:It's a shot, give it to me.
Speaker 1:A million percent, home alone three. I've never been down more there's a three movie.
Speaker 5:There's a really bad movie, macaulay. Macaulay Call can call he's in that one, is he it's not Macaulay Culkin, it's some other little blonde kid, okay.
Speaker 4:And I watched it one time.
Speaker 6:And I just Even even Joe, even Joe Pesci was like nah man.
Speaker 1:They probably backed up the brinkstruck for Joe Pesci.
Speaker 6:Oh yeah, they were like because, like the Culkin said no, every Catherine O'Hara said no, everybody said no. So they were like please, joe Pesci, please, please. And he was like fuck you.
Speaker 1:What flavor do you have now, Dina? Did you guys hear that scream I?
Speaker 5:did, yes, those are my dogs.
Speaker 3:I have pink freeze. We'll see if it's good.
Speaker 7:Okay, that's a.
Speaker 6:Just the mess.
Speaker 9:I don't know really any holiday movies, so I'm also going to go with Polar Express. It's a bad, respectable, it's a bad.
Speaker 1:It's a solid choice.
Speaker 6:I tell you what, though. I tell you what, though? The one bubble of redeemable moment that that movie has is at the end, when that kid, like, still hears the magic of Christmas. Like that. That part does get me a little bit. Bullshit. Yeah, that's all right, I'm going to fuck myself.
Speaker 1:I have an honorable mention Okay, I just remembered basically any Christmas movie that has Vince Vaughn in it Fucking fucks that.
Speaker 9:Who's been bitch? You know, I think he's a great actor. I'm actually also good.
Speaker 6:Red.
Speaker 1:Claws. Has anyone seen Fred Claws?
Speaker 5:Yes, oh, but it's dog shit, oh yeah.
Speaker 4:I should have picked that one Basically bone meal, dog shit.
Speaker 3:Basically I'm so.
Speaker 1:Is Nicholas Claus, santa Claus's brother, and he's kind of a piece of shit and that's the whole story.
Speaker 9:That's. It Is Santa Claus's brother, no so.
Speaker 1:Fred is.
Speaker 9:Oh, so Santa is.
Speaker 1:Yes, yeah, okay, fred Claus and Fred is Nicholas's brother and he's kind of the black sheep of the family and he's a fucking, you know, a loose cannon.
Speaker 5:What dipshits in a fucking meeting room got together and we're like good, this fucking idea about Fred Claus. Okay, he's Nick Claus's brother. We're going to make millions off this. The movie's going to have a budget of 4.2 million. We're going to make 6 million.
Speaker 3:You know what I don't?
Speaker 5:understand Vince Vaughn's going to be in it.
Speaker 7:You know what I don't understand? Vince Vaughn's going to be in it.
Speaker 3:We got to talk about this though. Okay, four Christmases I'm going to say Four Christmases is a good movie. That's my fucking life Really. What is the deal with Vince Vaughn? How has he been? That's Vince Vaughn A rom-com, I know, but like, what is his deal? Because how has he been the rom-com love interest for so many fucking movies? He was partnered with Jennifer Aniston in a movie. Like how did that happen?
Speaker 1:Yeah, but that was not a rom-com, that was a breakup movie. It was called the Breakup.
Speaker 6:That's a fact.
Speaker 3:There was no half a thing in that movie.
Speaker 6:No part of that was rom or com.
Speaker 3:What it's com all the way, it was a comedy. But it's not a happy ending.
Speaker 1:They never got back together.
Speaker 3:Break-com.
Speaker 5:Is it R-U-M-C-U-M or is it?
Speaker 1:R-O-M-C-O-M. Thank you Jess, I was going to rom-com. Rom-com. Yeah, that's just called a romance Rance.
Speaker 5:Okay, okay, wow, okay. So wait, so that everybody's, we've got the bad, the bad movies there, right? Everybody said theirs. Yep, Everybody said theirs.
Speaker 9:Wait, alex, what was yours? All right, still Venus? Yeah, we still need.
Speaker 5:Venus here right.
Speaker 1:No, I still agreed with the polar express.
Speaker 6:I concur with the polar express, but like, is it because of the last moment in that movie it does? It does actually get to me. What a bitch. My least favorite, my least favorite holiday movie is probably the fucking Muppet Christmas Carol, because I'll give a fuck about the. Muppets, I'll give a fuck about the.
Speaker 1:Muppets Alex, you just said you've never watched any iteration of a. Christmas Carol.
Speaker 6:I watched 25 minutes of that movie and I turned it off to do something else.
Speaker 5:I got to get real close to the mic for this one. I got to get real close to the mic for this one because I just want to tell you you are 100% allowed to have sex with my mom, because I'm so proud of you for that. Take the man.
Speaker 4:Out of context.
Speaker 6:That's a wild thing to say.
Speaker 1:I'm not for sure you would be pissed off about that, first of all, you just made me forget that Rance hates Elf.
Speaker 5:Yep, a dude. I do also worse take than Also. Don't give a shit about the Muppets either.
Speaker 9:Is it Muppets Fuckin' Christ? Rance Is that why, no, it's the next finger, it's, it's.
Speaker 6:They took a regular story, the Christmas Carol, and they're like but what if we put these weird fuzzy puppets in it? And then it made millions.
Speaker 5:Wait, that sucks, alex James. Alex James, I just realized that's why you've never seen any other iteration of a Christmas Carol. It's because you saw that, oh, the Jim Carrey Christmas Carol was actually quite good, jim.
Speaker 1:Carrey Christmas Carol, that's an animated one right Top 10.
Speaker 6:Fucks.
Speaker 5:Yep, have you seen the? Have you seen the guy, the guy, the guy? I think it was Guy Richie's Guy Richie. I'm sorry, guy Richie.
Speaker 1:No, it would have said Guy Richie's a Christmas Carol.
Speaker 4:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Guy Richie presents a Christmas Carol. It was on FX.
Speaker 5:It was on FX like three years ago and for about 75% of the movie it Fox, it's super dark. And then the last. The last 25% of the movie are crap. Guy, guy, guy.
Speaker 6:Guy.
Speaker 5:Fieri presents a Christmas Carol Guy. Richie did a bunch of Christmas. We got a one way ticket to fucking flavor show.
Speaker 1:Wait, wait, wait, we are.
Speaker 6:this is a pack of writers here, so I want to take a bubble of a moment while Brance thinks about this. I want to write Guy. I want to write Guy Fieri presents a Christmas Carol. Guy Fieri, fieri. So I think it starts with Guy Fieri, somebody just said it.
Speaker 5:Yeah, I just I said it, guy Fieri, 20 seconds ago.
Speaker 1:Guy Fieri presents a Christmas Carol.
Speaker 6:Guy.
Speaker 1:Fieri presents a Christmas Carol body. 20 seconds ago, guy Fieri presents a Christmas Carol. Dave Pierce plays.
Speaker 5:Scrudedge. It's so dark and fucked up. It's so dark and fucked up, it's so good, up until the last 25% of the movie. And this one and Andy is Agnes is the thing Alex is he Alex?
Speaker 3:Yeah, Jim Carrey's Christmas Carol. I've refused to watch any other Christmas Carol besides that because it is that good and I've watched, I've watched a lot. But once I saw Jim Carrey's I was like, oh no, I'm done, it's so good, you do need to give that a chance.
Speaker 6:All right. As long as there's any of those weird puppets in it.
Speaker 1:No, we ask you something though like would you? This is what they call a callback in the biz.
Speaker 4:OK, OK, OK, OK, circle around my part.
Speaker 6:Thank you, Rance. I'm thank you for explaining what a callback is.
Speaker 1:I thought I was going to say that it's just bunions to to prevent losing that movie forever. Like, yeah, either, either give up that movie to be spelled the way it was.
Speaker 5:Sorry, I'm not Is there bunions.
Speaker 3:Did I spell it wrong.
Speaker 5:The spelling was amazing.
Speaker 1:I'm anizer, I'm anizer and it was really great. I wrote this, so we're.
Speaker 6:Sean hit me. Hit me with the question again.
Speaker 1:What was the question you asked it? Yeah, dog, I was asking Dina.
Speaker 4:She said that was the greatest version of.
Speaker 1:Christmas Carol. So I said would you kiss Ebenezer Scrooge's bunions to? Save that movie Like would you rather never watch it again, or yeah would you say that I? Had to explain it, and now it's not funny anymore.
Speaker 5:Would you shave them off really close to the ASMR camera? A ASMR microphone.
Speaker 1:Would you, would you microplane? It a little bit over over your salad.
Speaker 9:Tony, like disformation, I know because I have a pinky toe from.
Speaker 6:Yeah, and I want to, and I want to shave it over French onion soup.
Speaker 1:And it tastes like. French bunion soup. They're like bunions.
Speaker 5:Not OK, jess, I'm going to on my tip talk my for you page. It's going to be. It's going to be like bunion bunion shaving horse hooves and like bunion shaving.
Speaker 1:Oh man. What I have, a round table question.
Speaker 6:Yeah, wait is it Wait really quick? Is it French onion soup? Have you said bunions, and she goes, oh yeah.
Speaker 5:Actually they go, oh, oh, oh.
Speaker 1:It's, it's, it's, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh oh oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh oh oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Ok, dina has to answer this question last. Daddy's got a Because I want to. I want to get everyone's take on this. When is the appropriate time to start decorating for Christmas? What day on the calendar?
Speaker 6:December 15th, it's late.
Speaker 9:November, exactly one month before Christmas.
Speaker 1:November 25th OK.
Speaker 9:I made my night at that roll.
Speaker 5:Black Friday. Black Friday is what.
Speaker 1:I go with Dina.
Speaker 5:September After Thanksgiving.
Speaker 4:What did you say?
Speaker 6:No.
Speaker 4:What.
Speaker 5:Just with this, we're back and forth, if you have to.
Speaker 6:Shut up. Dina say that date again.
Speaker 9:You say November 1st. She left, she got so embarrassed, she quit.
Speaker 1:She's the number first. Yes, All right Dina.
Speaker 2:September 29th.
Speaker 7:That is the most foul, hey this.
Speaker 1:After you Listen she's on that department store schedule. You know she's on that department store schedule. So, they start putting up the garlands in September.
Speaker 5:I'm going to roll up.
Speaker 6:Dina is decorating for Christmas before Nordstrom has their campaign strategy for.
Speaker 9:Christmas. Yeah, yes, new and American Thanksgiving is.
Speaker 5:Oh, american Thanksgiving is the last Thursday, wait, fourth Thursday, november, I don't know, it's just whenever you start Thursday.
Speaker 9:Thursday November Strange every year.
Speaker 4:Yes, Because, it's always on Thursday.
Speaker 1:It's always Thursday, but I know it's stupid.
Speaker 5:But I'm off, so I'm all about it.
Speaker 3:Hey so.
Speaker 5:Yes, because I work quote unquote in a school system.
Speaker 1:So unless you work in retail, then you you get a holiday.
Speaker 6:Hey, listen, I didn't get the Friday after Thanksgiving off. I had to go to work.
Speaker 9:This kind of oh yeah, yeah, canadian People got a holiday, so what do you make the schedule?
Speaker 1:Alex, I thought you ran that kitchen.
Speaker 6:We celebrate. I do. I do run that kitchen, but I still have to go to work. Isn't that the biggest bullshit you ever heard? You get 10 and a half. No, I'm on salary. Nobody gets a fuck about me, oh you're salary?
Speaker 3:You don't give a shit.
Speaker 1:I get paid whether I show up or not.
Speaker 6:Yeah, I wore a turkey hat and was mildly hungover.
Speaker 5:So so here's a, I have a, I have a round table, just found a family, ok, ok. Ok, because we all are writers or writer adjacent. People constantly talk about fucking tropes, which is just a conversation that I never have.
Speaker 9:It's like if you're all about tropes, fucking, tropes, fucking, tropes the conversation about it.
Speaker 5:Yeah, when do you get? So I was going to say, like what are your either? What are your favorite or least favorite holiday tropes in storytelling?
Speaker 9:Can you give an example of what a holiday trope is?
Speaker 5:Yes, so I will say, the one that I hate mine, the one that I book and hate so much, is the. I'm going to think we're specifically talking about Christmas is that there is always the perfect white snowfall on Christmas or Christmas?
Speaker 1:Eve, because that's like in Hawaii. Yeah, yeah, in display. It doesn't matter where they are.
Speaker 9:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 4:And you know, it's just like because it's yeah usually like potato flakes.
Speaker 1:Oh yes, potato flakes are used to start starch, or I just get up there and start rubbing my head or flaking off my feet.
Speaker 6:It's just a way to get your money for a better space.
Speaker 1:Damn it. My least favorite ever is the big city career girl returning home and falling in love with the fucking that's the tropes.
Speaker 6:Sean, you're going to say your least favorite is the one that's the hallmark tropes.
Speaker 1:I hate it. I fucking hate it. Try something new, Hallmark yeah hallmark.
Speaker 6:I think my least favorite holiday tropes is the, the, the town that should, by every metric, be a dog shit poedunk. Nobody should live your town that is only made pretty by dint of it being the holidays.
Speaker 4:Yeah.
Speaker 5:Yeah, like the minute that January 21st comes around. Oh my god, which is just it's muddy and cold and sucks. You got. You got the hank over in the corner like barely drunk outside of the drink and stop.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like he's just 40 miles from the nearest airport.
Speaker 6:Like it sucks to live there.
Speaker 5:but they're like oh, it's Christmas, he's got semen stains on the front of his corduroy trousers the white, yeah yeah the front. He's just been jacking it Just nonstop jacking it since Christmas.
Speaker 9:Oh, I thought you meant someone was yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no no, no, he, it's gone through the corduroy.
Speaker 5:It's like pressure washed into it. Yeah, OK, he's like like slacking it just day in.
Speaker 1:This is spoken like a man who is definitely thinking so.
Speaker 7:A lot about semen.
Speaker 6:Are they shellacked with giz Just?
Speaker 1:Oh my god, Are they the yogurt pants?
Speaker 9:They are not the yogurt pants. Those were fleece pants and very hard to clean.
Speaker 1:I have to pee you guys, I will be right back.
Speaker 5:Just wait. What is with the sleeve? What is with the sleeve around your bottle?
Speaker 6:Oh, it's to keep it.
Speaker 5:It's to keep it from getting like that's actually really smart, a really smart idea.
Speaker 9:I bought this from Walmart. It is a triple XL, but it was a Walmart. Plug.
Speaker 5:Pugswetter. It's a book, it's perfect, oh my God, so much fabric on the front of that.
Speaker 6:You can like, pull it like you look like this is my boob.
Speaker 9:This is the shirt.
Speaker 3:Look at you so much shirt I love, I love.
Speaker 6:the geographic marker of this is my boob, and this is.
Speaker 5:I didn't even realize to this point, because it's so big. It was actually just a shirt that I designed on it.
Speaker 6:Well, you were you for the first hour of this recording. You were a series of static pictures.
Speaker 9:I know I just had to be in the living room apparently.
Speaker 6:Fine, All right, Dina. What's your least favorite holiday trope? Let's keep it going.
Speaker 3:The girl that is engaged to the really rich guy that's like full of himself or whatever, and then she meets the Whatever perfect ideal guy.
Speaker 6:Like small town cobbler.
Speaker 3:Yeah, like I hate that because you're engaged, don't be a fucking idiot, fucking cheater. I love that you're sticking point.
Speaker 6:I love that you're sticking point to this, as you have engaged in the sacrament of marriage. How?
Speaker 7:dare you throw that away.
Speaker 9:Yeah well, the thousand percent tracks for everything I know.
Speaker 6:All right, jess. What about you least favorite writing trope for the holidays?
Speaker 9:All right, mine is similar to Sean's with the small town girl thing, but it's specific to the line and picturing a scene where she's like seeing a guy who was like far city, varsity, varsity, varsity varsity varsity, varsity.
Speaker 5:It's far, it's far city in here right now.
Speaker 6:I can't even see that city is so far away.
Speaker 5:Oh, varsity, I thought he's saying fart city.
Speaker 9:I was like I get fart city, you know like hot football boy, sports ball dude. And then she's like he's like, oh, you're back in town. And she's like I didn't even think you ever noticed me.
Speaker 4:Whoa.
Speaker 9:Like he's still there and she's like, oh you never. I never thought you noticed me, whereas I'm, like you never left this town, like you're still.
Speaker 6:But you're still here. You're still here, you're not, he's not.
Speaker 1:Are you talking about my trope?
Speaker 5:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 9:She's like adding to it. Yeah, yeah, piggybacking Okay.
Speaker 6:I've got it. I've got a new roundtable question because, like, that's all we got now and that is yeah we're just riffing.
Speaker 5:I like it, we're riffing.
Speaker 6:If you could spend Christmas anywhere in the world with a certain group of people, where would you go and who would you do?
Speaker 7:a certain group of people.
Speaker 3:I never thought about this, but I had an immediate answer. Sorry. It could be your family.
Speaker 6:It could be your friend group. It could be a Jar Jar colony on the moons of oh, I was trying to keep Daniel alive a little bit.
Speaker 1:And our colony of the means of Hoth. He's going to love that.
Speaker 6:Oh man, okay, so let's go. Let's start with just the mess.
Speaker 9:What.
Speaker 6:I have nothing. Don't start with me. So it sucks for you. Get it, get, get, get there.
Speaker 9:With who, where you tell me dog. Okay, it would be every single person that is still on this podcast right now in Alexander Daniel that room. He's on right now in with the little purple stickers on the wall, so in Alexander James's apartment.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I like that.
Speaker 9:People right here with all of us just get stuff and rolling his die.
Speaker 6:Yeah, yeah I want to touch all your plants. Touching shit. I have a lot of plants, I have a lot of d20s. You can, we can all roll them together.
Speaker 9:I'm all about a very cute. I want to. I want to touch your cat, nimbus.
Speaker 6:Oh Nimbus.
Speaker 9:I want to be this.
Speaker 6:Yeah, nimbus.
Speaker 5:Oh, nimbus, nimbus, Tinkus.
Speaker 6:Don't talk shit about my cat. Oh, I know I would never talk to him again.
Speaker 5:Dude, I am one of these people who's like please take days off, work for your cat.
Speaker 6:Yeah, fuck yeah.
Speaker 4:Paternity, fuck yeah.
Speaker 1:Yep, yeah, okay, I'll also take eight days off of work for your cat.
Speaker 9:Um Paternity leave. Yeah, I'm sorry.
Speaker 1:I've never had a white Christmas. I've never had a white Christmas. I would want to go somewhere where you get a nice snow on Christmas morning, like that whole that the basically the trope that rant spread up. I want to wake up on Christmas morning and see snow falling outside powdery snowfall.
Speaker 5:I'm going to send an email to the drunk who sits outside of the drinking stop. It's going to get you a real white Christmas.
Speaker 1:The drinking stop. Is he going to soil my quarter ice for me? Oh yeah. I would want somewhere where it snows, and you know all my friends and family. Like I can't just name people, they'd have to be everyone.
Speaker 6:That's totally fair. I have two. I have two questions for you, sean. Number one Is it do you in your, in your mind, palace? Do you see it like no snow Christmas Eve, full snow Christmas, or is there some snow Christmas Eve and more snow Christmas?
Speaker 1:I don't really care if there's snow the day before. What I really want is that picturesque thing of the Christmas tree in front of the window.
Speaker 5:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:The corner of the window and you see the just like my background, like in the window. That's what I want, guys.
Speaker 6:Everybody guys guys, guys, gus is here.
Speaker 5:That snow has got to be untouched by human feet to, oh yeah.
Speaker 6:Oh yeah.
Speaker 5:Real fast. Yeah, because you see a bunch of kids out in the snow like it's, like there's. Nothing to me is more sad than a snowman three and a half days after he's been put together, oh yeah.
Speaker 6:You see all the way sticking out of him and he looks like a real piece of shit.
Speaker 5:He looks like he's on his car.
Speaker 1:It was drunk outside of the drinking stuff. Yes, just does it snow in BC or no?
Speaker 9:Not on the. I live right on the coast, so it's really my.
Speaker 4:Oh.
Speaker 9:Um, so not often, and then the rest of BC, like interior, gets really, really snowy. Um, but where I live not as much. It's very mild, yeah, it wet. I live in the what?
Speaker 1:she went to Toronto in December and it was just slushy everywhere, just yeah.
Speaker 9:It was just nice. I don't know, I have a question.
Speaker 3:It's kind of a Mandela effect real quick. Um, do you guys remember back like in high school or middle school, like where you would like take the tab of your soda can and like a, b, c, d?
Speaker 1:E G lemon in yeah.
Speaker 3:Yeah, um, and like that, like whatever letter it landed on, that would be the first like your soulmate or whatever.
Speaker 1:No, we'd say the thing with the fortune teller thing?
Speaker 5:I can't remember what that's real bad for Yuri.
Speaker 3:This, this Mandela effect, don't make sense. Okay, nevermind.
Speaker 9:Seed? I don't know, I don't know. Kelly, do you know what you're talking about?
Speaker 1:Yeah, Did you do the soda tab thing?
Speaker 5:That was like yes, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, do you remember?
Speaker 3:Kelly, do you remember you could get like to like the middle of the alphabet and these days, every time, I try to do that if you were real gentle with it. No, like you could just normally do it, and these days I get to like, see, and it's like I mean it's, it's off.
Speaker 1:You would never end up with because yes.
Speaker 4:Or you would bang.
Speaker 3:Yeah. Chester, chester the cheetah one, that's the fucking, I don't know. It just chases me.
Speaker 1:Chad. Chad was no, they don't know he's meant to end up with somebody named Chad.
Speaker 6:They just don't make soda tops the way they used to you know did you answer the question about place and company for Christmas?
Speaker 5:Are you guys listening to Kelly?
Speaker 1:What happened? The back.
Speaker 3:Fuck, I was actually messaging her.
Speaker 6:It's so wonderful.
Speaker 3:No, so okay, my initial response. I've never even thought about this a day in my life, but I was like Iceland alone. I don't know why I said that but then when Jess said I've never been.
Speaker 4:I never even thought about it.
Speaker 3:But then Jess said Alex's apartment and I was like, oh my God, you know what would be really great if I could get all of like the these, the people that were on the show today, and go to Liverpool and see Peter Sean. I don't know why that came to my head.
Speaker 6:And I was like that'd be pretty radical Perfect.
Speaker 9:Christmas, all right.
Speaker 5:The big old PST shout out PST.
Speaker 1:No one else is there, it's just you, the other type of PST yeah.
Speaker 6:That's right.
Speaker 9:Yeah, that's it.
Speaker 6:Wait, what's the first type of PST?
Speaker 5:Pacific it's the one that you live here, so when you go, yeah, yeah, I still got the time wrong.
Speaker 6:Oh, my God, who hasn't answered? Jess, did you answer? No, you did. You said my apartment and Sean answered Rance. Answered Rance. I did not answer Rance. I didn't answer.
Speaker 5:All right, so I would be. It would be with my immediate family, but we would be over in England, specifically Southern England, in Bournemouth. Why would we be there? Because about 11 years ago One of my dearest friends his name is Craig.
Speaker 5:Craig was going through really terrible divorce, and my most memorable Christmas to this point was one year where Craig was about to move back to Bournemouth. He lived here in the US. He split up with his wife and he had nowhere to go on Christmas and we he stayed over at my parents' house for Christmas, and so we stayed there with him, and just here is, you know, two 30-somethings on a couch laughing about the dumbest shit you can possibly imagine on Christmas Eve. But waking up with someone who is not a member of your family but is in your family on Christmas and being able to be present with them, it really is one of those gifts that, like you, never forget. It is the most unforgettable Christmas to me and I wish I could recreate that and just live in that moment again, but at a time that was happier and kinder to him.
Speaker 6:That's fucking beautiful.
Speaker 1:I'm not even incredible answer.
Speaker 7:Wow, I'm not even going to talk shit. God damn. Wow, how did you?
Speaker 5:Yeah, how did it?
Speaker 6:go. Do you know what I love you, Ryan?
Speaker 5:Drinking stuff. Yeah, go just on your car.
Speaker 9:I don't always run so much, ryan, and the reason why is just because you can go from.
Speaker 1:Roy's, you can go from fucking oh yeah, fart jokes yeah. And then you'll have like the most poignant, like fucking amazingly thoughtful thing to say in the next breath.
Speaker 4:Well, thank you.
Speaker 1:I just fucking love how you can flip flop back and forward between the same.
Speaker 6:That was beautiful.
Speaker 2:I guess my buttholes in this whole time.
Speaker 9:Why don't you scratch it?
Speaker 1:Yeah, you just do a little. It's a little. I hate that.
Speaker 3:I mean I contact with him, as he does it.
Speaker 1:Um, you got to, you got to be. That's the moment where you make eye contact with the camera and you're like hey listen. Can we like say a few Christmas words in the spirit? Of magic and family and giving gifts and Daniel and our fallen friend Daniel.
Speaker 4:Yes.
Speaker 1:Couldn't be with us here tonight.
Speaker 4:Um sure.
Speaker 1:He actually had some, some wishes that I promised us his best friend, that I would you know after his passing, fulfill for him Okay.
Speaker 3:The way I just checked this is like. I was going to see like a eulogy or something. Sorry.
Speaker 1:As far as this podcast is concerned, tonight he is dead and therefore, okay, I need you guys to help me fulfill his dying wishes. Can?
Speaker 9:we spread his ashes on Rance's color to quarter.
Speaker 6:We can.
Speaker 1:We can right after this.
Speaker 9:Okay.
Speaker 4:Don't please, because you see each week delve into some of the most cringy or the erotic literature in history.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 4:Yes.
Speaker 1:By the literary review, a renowned British literary magazine in our segment dubbed cringy copulation Wow. We showcase real excerpts from real books that were genuinely intended to be taken seriously in this week's passage.
Speaker 8:I'm so terrified.
Speaker 1:The naughty list of my. Ellie Mae McGregor, and we have the two parter. Jess, you're going to take one, and Bob was supposed to take the other one, but he's gone. So, rance, you're the next best thing. Let's go, we live. Alex, because he's done it like five times. Oh my God.
Speaker 6:The relief that sag through me. You have no idea.
Speaker 1:What is the best way for me to message you? Text discord discord yeah. Okay.
Speaker 9:I used to write these. One day, when they all write that, what is it?
Speaker 3:Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
Speaker 9:Wait, Check your DM Timeout. Oh fuck.
Speaker 6:No, you can't time out the no.
Speaker 3:You can't time out no, I can absolutely time out this, because what the fuck is Daniel doing? This is my fucking rundown of my show. I plan this shit and this motherfucker did talk about my best friend who died tonight. He did, he did, don't do not, because I legitimately checked discord like something was wrong. Do not he's either.
Speaker 5:He's either dead or drunk outside of the drink and stop.
Speaker 6:I like, I like to think that he was like elbow His wife's hair back.
Speaker 1:Vomit and he's like he's like he's texting Sean.
Speaker 9:I'm so glad you said vomit yeah could have been way worse More deep in his wife's vomit. Yeah, vomit, all right.
Speaker 1:Check those DMs, jess.
Speaker 9:Yeah, I'm here. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 4:Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah.
Speaker 9:Kate Didn't always enjoy giving blowjobs, but, god, she found herself wanting to lick that stream of pre-plum. Yeah Stream. What is a post-com, madam One? Because it be hot, you, he was mother Fuck in Santa Claus.
Speaker 4:Oh, yeah, Jolly Saint Nick baby.
Speaker 9:His just probably tasted like peppermint, hot cocoa and like the spirit of Christmas. How could she not want to taste, mm?
Speaker 5:Honestly, that was fucking amazing.
Speaker 1:We just talked about that. Alex and I just like shared a fucking. We knew Santa would taste like peppermint.
Speaker 6:I told you his grundle tasted like peppermint. His grundle is like what?
Speaker 8:His grundle is like what? All right, we're not done, we're not done.
Speaker 6:Grant's. Nobody on this call is going to pretend they don't know what a grundle is Okay, I actually heard that word before.
Speaker 1:Are we talking about grundle?
Speaker 6:Really.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 6:If you haven't heard that, even if you haven't heard the word, Dina, I'm sure you're familiar with the geographic location.
Speaker 3:Yeah, explain. Are you calling me a whore? It's weird. It's weird, it's weird.
Speaker 7:It's weird.
Speaker 5:It's weird.
Speaker 9:Where on the plug? The grundle is what?
Speaker 3:Where on the plug you've been grundling. Okay, I know what the grundle is.
Speaker 1:The grundle is always in the room.
Speaker 3:Familiar.
Speaker 5:It's where the fromunded cheese that's the cheese it's called a friend you love Friend.
Speaker 1:Yes, okay, okay, okay, okay, rance, you're not getting out of this.
Speaker 4:We're doing it, I got you, I got you. Yes, here we go.
Speaker 5:I can take you back to the house if you want. I just thought maybe we could have sex in here. You let out a low, melodic whistle. Right before them appeared a bright red sleigh and several real reindeer. You want to fuck me? You chuckled. I thought that was pretty clear in that. If you want, wait, guys, I got the words on message. A lot dialogue, wait you, santa Claus, want to take me into your sleigh and set me right down on your the?
Speaker 9:doors.
Speaker 5:He let out a cackle. I would like that very much. Oh well, geez Santa, it's cold out here, let's hop to it. He threw his head back in laughter. His eyes lingered on the sky for just a moment and she heard him whisper Fuck, yes, wow.
Speaker 1:Merry Christmas.
Speaker 5:I didn't know who was talking at what point. The dialogue was so rapid.
Speaker 9:I mean good in a long time. I don't think I'm that bad.
Speaker 6:I mean good, really make you forget, like real world and grammar and all. So he really sink below the level of the story. To this southern idiot getting railed I'm Santa's, can we?
Speaker 1:Can we just point out something really?
Speaker 3:good.
Speaker 1:Even posthumously. Daniel has single handedly ruined Dina's show she planned tonight and her favorite thing of all time, which is Christmas. Like she, she will forever see Santa in this light and you know it's just Daniel's brand to just ruin everything.
Speaker 3:Damn it, daniel even though I would do so many, all right.
Speaker 1:Say hi to Fernando, for us buddy.
Speaker 5:Hello Fernando.
Speaker 9:I resurrected myself. For what?
Speaker 1:I mean you were early. I thought that was supposed to happen on Easter.
Speaker 6:Me Wait, wait. When is Canadian Easter?
Speaker 5:Is there a Canadian Jesus?
Speaker 9:No, no, there is not.
Speaker 5:It's actually Jays. What's his favorite hockey team?
Speaker 7:Oh, the Canucks.
Speaker 6:Oh, ok, ok, Wait, wait, wait, wait. I'm having a. I'm going to have an honest to God. I'm going to have an honest to God, dina moment here, y'all, and I don't want you to make fun of me for it. Oh I, I thought. I thought Canucks was just like a generalization of any Canadian hockey. There's a specific team.
Speaker 9:Canucks means Canadian, but can the. Vancouver Canucks is the yeah team were very bad, I thought it was.
Speaker 6:any Canadian that played hockey was called.
Speaker 3:Is it really funny? I usually do Canada and hockey, sorry, well you.
Speaker 9:Well, the problem is that NHL can poach players from any country they want, and Americans can pay more than Canadian. So here we are.
Speaker 5:Jess is going to tell us all about hockey, slinging pucks and giving fucks about hockey.
Speaker 9:I know anything about.
Speaker 5:I respect it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you know what's worse than having a team name the Canucks? The fucking Toronto Maple Leafs, leafs, they're the, they're the, you guys.
Speaker 9:The Edmonton Oilers Oil companies.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but like the using a singular word as. As a fucking plural like drives me absolutely crazy.
Speaker 9:How do you guys pronounce La Croix?
Speaker 1:La.
Speaker 2:Croix.
Speaker 1:La Croix, we're talking about the, the sparkling water with a fart.
Speaker 4:Yeah, yeah, yeah that's not right.
Speaker 9:Yeah, you guys call it and it's La.
Speaker 6:Croix. Yeah, it's La Croix, it's French. It's La Croix French.
Speaker 9:It's made by after place in France, but then it was Americanified.
Speaker 5:And to you know, friend is made by the fucking Shasta company. There's nothing less French than that. I believe it's pronounced Shasta.
Speaker 6:Shasta we saw it.
Speaker 1:Actually, I thought it was pronounced Well played Well, played Well it's La Croix.
Speaker 2:What's croissant? What's croissant? What's?
Speaker 1:croissant.
Speaker 3:Huh.
Speaker 1:What, what, what, what, why is Gamora?
Speaker 6:I have to go.
Speaker 9:Yeah, we have to yeah.
Speaker 5:Should we end it up with a real quick, like Christmas wish to round the table?
Speaker 1:Yes, I love this.
Speaker 9:Okay, okay, I thought you like Christmas, I can stop. I do. Oh, I didn't say that. Very well, my policy is pissing me off, stop.
Speaker 1:Will the plant kill him if he eats it?
Speaker 9:No, but my plant will kill itself.
Speaker 5:So will I no I threw four things.
Speaker 9:None of them hit my cat. Jess, I love you so much.
Speaker 6:I miss you every day, dude, seriously Okay, anyway.
Speaker 9:All right, rain starts off.
Speaker 5:Oh, just I mean fuck. You know like, be with your family, be warm, enjoy the time for what it is now Are we wishing other people? No, just Christmas wishes, man Like what does that mean?
Speaker 4:How hard is it to let rain?
Speaker 6:say three sentences.
Speaker 5:Just things you're thinking about, shit He'll okay. Okay, fuck, be good, fucking Christmas, your dick off and have a turkey. There you go. That's what you got. They got you.
Speaker 6:All right. Producer Sean.
Speaker 1:My wish is that everyone's just, happy and healthy and be with the people they care about.
Speaker 9:You're so wholesome, I want to kill myself. I love it. I love it.
Speaker 5:I love you Sean.
Speaker 1:Also, I almost said, I love each.
Speaker 3:I love all of you. Yeah, I wish everyone would be happy and healthy.
Speaker 1:And also I just want to be happy and healthy. And also I wish for a you know, a test of cyber truck, just to see what it's like to drive one Huge huge, Huge.
Speaker 6:I wish that everybody finds a little little piece of what Christmas meant to you as a kid, because that's where real magic is. I like that Motherfucker you're going to make me cry.
Speaker 1:Dina doesn't work on me.
Speaker 9:Oh, you guys did all these wholesome things and my first thought was that I just get to be like alone with my son and my husband on Christmas.
Speaker 3:Instead of having to go alone with your son, I thought you just get to be alone.
Speaker 1:I thought you just feel like my husband takes the kid goes elsewhere and I get to be alone with my son and I get to sit at home and drink my best. No, I just wanted to be alone with my immediate family. Can you say this off like a bunion, Can you? I mean with any amount of vigor and enthusiasm.
Speaker 3:I'm sure you can.
Speaker 1:No, I just I was being selfish and I just don't want, to like, do four Christmases, so I was my Christmas.
Speaker 3:I guess, like being gorgeous is fine, I have to remove myself from my family. I'm not going to be like. I'm not going to be like.
Speaker 4:I just removed myself from my extended family.
Speaker 1:I my Christmas is with my immediate family and I love it.
Speaker 5:Dina, that is not selfish, Not one bit. Not one bit is that selfish.
Speaker 6:All right, just a mess. What's your Christmas wish?
Speaker 9:Okay. So I had a meeting with my boss today where I tried to talk about how I worked too much and she was talking about, and then this, this got me. But she's like, at the end of the day of life, the people who are going to miss you most are the people in your life, not the people at work. So the people where you're like, oh fuck, I can't take my tank, take this time off, because I'm fucking over all these coworkers they're not going to miss you as much as the people who miss you in your life. So I wish you a lot of time with the people who will miss you the most.
Speaker 6:Beautiful, love it, love it.
Speaker 1:So Jess is going to come back for more details.
Speaker 3:I'm going to come back for more day of my debut, right.
Speaker 1:Okay, for every fucking episode.
Speaker 3:All right.
Speaker 6:Alexander James where can the people find you, my friend? You can find me on Twitter at drunk scribe. You can find me on TikTok at drunk scribe. You can find me on Instagram at drunk scribe writes. And you can find me at home most nights.
Speaker 1:Not sober scribe and Mr Rance Denton.
Speaker 5:I'm on the internet. You can find me at violence, obscene and also the quarantine club clubcom.
Speaker 1:You can find Rance on Baldur's gate.
Speaker 5:Three fucking hell, you can fucking a bear jeans.
Speaker 9:Just the mess. Where can you be found? Don't, don't find me.
Speaker 6:That's what I also want to know where I can find.
Speaker 4:So you can, I can't find you Canada.
Speaker 6:Why were you British? Where did you go?
Speaker 4:Oh can you see me.
Speaker 1:There you are, you're back.
Speaker 8:You're back.
Speaker 5:I thought you had vanished.
Speaker 3:Dinosaurs D. Where can the folks find you? You can find me on Twitter at Dinosaurs D. That's the like, these notes.
Speaker 1:And you can find me on Twitter at chase hold you and I'm having sushi for dinner tonight. Lovely partner and executive producer of this program ordered us some sushi. What?
Speaker 9:What I'm having a little bit of a dinner, nice.
Speaker 1:Thank you guys, so much for joining us.
Speaker 9:I'm like four skin Jazz hands. I like it uncut I like it uncut too.
Speaker 6:Merry Christmas, eiffel tower. Eiffel tower, we're clear. Oh oh, sean, I don't know how the fuck you're going to get anything out of that dog.
Speaker 7:I don't know.
Speaker 1:Don't make it weird with Daniel Quigley, dinosaurus and Sean Holden, produced and edited by me, sean Holden and the song by Amaria Incidental music and sound effects provided by Voice Mod. As well as the YouTube audio library, you can rate and review this show on Spotify, apple podcasts, good pods and wherever else you download your podcasts. Got a question for Daniel or Dina? Call the don't make it weird hotline at 347-69-weird that's 347-699-3473 and leave us a message. It could be featured on a future episode. If you haven't already, please subscribe to don't make it weird on YouTube for the video presentation or on your favorite podcast app for the audio-only version of the show. Thank you so much and we love you.
