The One With The Raptor Button

The gang is finally back.

After a long hiatus (thanks, Daniel), Don't Make It Weird returns with a fresh start, a new hotline, a new recurring writing segment, and enough moonshine to make everyone question their life choices.

This week:

• Daniel publicly grovels for forgiveness
• Dina explains why pandas might be a government-sponsored bamboo management program
• The crew debuts the new Don't Make It Weird Hotline
• Smash or Pass: Fortnite Edition gets surprisingly uncomfortable
• Dina shares the story of the former cult rival who attempted to sabotage her wedding
• The audience gets introduced to Book Doctor, our new listener writing workshop segment
• Cringy Copulation returns with another award-winning literary disaster (Content Warning: Sexual Assault)

Call the Hotline:
612-69-WEIRD
612-699-3473

Leave us:
• Writing questions
• Story problems
• Book Doctor submissions
• General weirdness
• Questions for the hosts

New episodes return regularly. God help us all.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:03

It's the Don't Make It Weird podcast.

SPEAKER_06 0:13

What is going on, everybody? We are back with a brand new face of Don't Make It Weird. I am joined by the best producer in the world, producer Sean. I'm I don't have a comeback this timber mount. We decided after a lot of extensive family therapy that Daniel would no longer be joining us on the show. However, I mean it's me and Sean, right? Like we got this, or like the dynamic duo, it's all good. So we can just hop right in and start telling the audience all about our drinking game, right?

unknown 0:48

Totally.

SPEAKER_01 0:49

Hold on. What just happened, Daniel? Did you buffalo yourself? What's going on? Oh, I muted him.

SPEAKER_06 0:56

Oh yeah, we didn't.

SPEAKER_02 0:59

I just decided I'm gonna start drinking heavily before.

SPEAKER_01 1:01

He's gonna drink heavily. Yeah, okay.

SPEAKER_06 1:04

Go ahead, Daniel. Hit me with an intro.

SPEAKER_01 1:08

Oh, he brought the jar of moonshine.

SPEAKER_06 1:10

Moonshine?

SPEAKER_04 1:11

Holy shit.

SPEAKER_02 1:12

Okay, here's the thing. Okay, if I'm gonna fucking apologize, if I'm gonna fucking apologize, Dina, I'm gonna go all in. So you know what? Welcome to the Don't Make a Weird podcast. I'm the one here co-host Dana Quigley, and we are here writing storytelling comedy podcast for humans, by humans, and I'm joined, as always, by the fearless, faithful, Pharaoh Fortnite Venom herself! Dina Sorry! Hi, Dean. Hello. Hi, how are you doing today? I've been better. I I and that's fair. I mean, I have been having a nice day. It was blue skies, it was sunny, it was it was great. What why was your day bad, Tina?

SPEAKER_06 1:59

Uh I existed, that's why.

SPEAKER_02 2:05

So for those of you that have never been seen our podcast before, we get sad.

SPEAKER_06 2:11

I woke up today and I was just like, damn it, again.

SPEAKER_01 2:16

Almost. You were almost released from the grips of the mortal coil.

SPEAKER_02 2:21

Shit. Well, you know who's gonna help you feel better, Dina? We have a third member of this team. An absolute legend, the only adult in the rune. And guys, I'll take it. He's my everything to lose. I'm in trouble. I'm holding on to him with love and white knuckles. I'm never letting go. Never letting go. Producer Sean, everyone!

SPEAKER_01 2:46

Welcome back, everybody.

SPEAKER_02 2:48

That's two. Two? To what? She's not gonna tell you. Oh, Jesus. Uh, very excited about that. So we're already up to a great one. You're on the list. You made the list. I've made the list. I I don't know what's happening on the list, but I've made the list. So for those of you guys that don't know who we are, we are bringing this show back. This show started in COVID when two strangers, me and Dina, uh made the absolute mistake of Yeah. Oh we made the bad decision to DM each other uh during COVID and say, why don't we start a podcast? And then we did. And then we brought Sean here because he's the only one that actually knows how to do things. I just talk. Dina actually, you know, is competent.

SPEAKER_06 3:39

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 3:40

No, I was gonna say you're competent. It's mostly a B issue.

SPEAKER_06 3:43

No, I was just gonna say that's not exactly how it went down, but that's fine.

SPEAKER_01 3:47

Let's start in the beginning. Dina, where were you born?

SPEAKER_06 3:50

Um in a small town with a population of only 7,000 people. I think it might have actually been 3,000, but that's beside the point.

SPEAKER_02 3:58

Oh man, that's that's incredible.

SPEAKER_06 4:00

So anyway, I grew up in a cult. Um those that are new here, I've been in three cults.

SPEAKER_02 4:08

So in her defense, she was a child during all this. It's not like she's just like you know, that adult that is constantly falling into MLMs. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_06 4:17

Like I would go for a good Mary Kay MLM, though. I'm just saying. Oh, pampered chef too. Hell yeah.

SPEAKER_02 4:26

Fuck yeah. Yeah, call me.

SPEAKER_06 4:28

Give me that pink catty, baby.

SPEAKER_02 4:32

And so we are both aspiring writers. We are both now at this time published authors.

SPEAKER_06 4:37

I was gonna say, Bench, I'm not aspiring. I am you are.

SPEAKER_02 4:41

We are aspiring to be bigger time writers. Um, and so we've been doing this this podcast, and we took a hiatus because uh honestly, it's me. I I'm the problem, it's me. Thank you, Taylor Swift. Um Daniel!

SPEAKER_01 4:56

Dina and I took a hiatus. Daniel gave one.

SPEAKER_06 5:00

Yeah. We didn't have a choice, and Daniel.

SPEAKER_02 5:07

But listen, we are back here. We're relaunching this absolute beauty of a show. And for those of you that have never tuned in, never checked it out before, we are your morning talk show. We are like three friends that drink probably a little too much, make some bad decisions, uh, make Sean do a lot of creative editing so that we don't get canceled, and uh try to have a lot of fun. So put us on in the background, put us on on your car ride. Uh we we want you guys to party with us. I don't care. Or yeah, whatever you want to do. That's what I usually do to boost the views. Yeah, and and listen. And listen, for anyone that's audio only, if you're only listening on audio, please know that Dina shows up naked to every single episode. So don't check out the YouTube. Yeah, yeah, don't don't don't check out the YouTube. Just trust me on this. It's fine. Dina, come on, be honest. You feel good to be back here. Should I play it? Yeah, go ahead. Oh no. Oh god. This is this is gonna be me just eating shit the whole day. Dina, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I fucked up the show and and stopped recording. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I've stopped writing and basically I'm just a fraud. That's fair. I'm sorry that I took something that you love dearly and put it way up on the top shelf where no one can reach it. I'm sorry. I wanna know. Can you forgive me? I'll get down on my knees and I'll beg and I'll plead! Can you forgive me, Dina? Dina, please!

SPEAKER_06 6:42

Do I have to forgive you right now?

SPEAKER_02 6:44

No, no, no. If we make it through the episode, like we can revisit this at the exit. Yeah, we're at the road to forgiveness.

SPEAKER_06 6:50

Yeah, you're getting closer. Um, a lot more therapy.

SPEAKER_02 6:55

A lot more therapy, a lot more therapy. Um, Sean, what for for the you know, I've kind of given us a broad overview, but we also aren't drinking yet, and that feels like a problem.

SPEAKER_06 7:04

You are not drinking yet. I am.

SPEAKER_02 7:08

Woo ciao! So why don't you tell the folks uh a little bit about a game that we play here?

SPEAKER_01 7:15

Dina's at Christmas drunk right now, and we just got started. Um we uh we observe some drinking games and drinking rules around here, one of which is called buffalo. Um that means we're required to use our offhand to drink. We are right-handed, so we must drink with our left hand. If we are caught drinking with our right hand and someone calls out buffalo, you must finish your drink. If you call a buffalo incorrectly, the person who called it must finish their drink. That's called a reverse buffalo. And we don't want any of that. So um normally we miss it, so audience, pay close attention and let us know in the comments below if you catch a buffalo. Kelly's caught us like 75 times, our executive producer. Um she holds the record for buffaloes around here. Um we also have a series of words and phrases that will trigger a buzzer. It sounds like this. If you hear that, it means someone said one of those things, and we must take a sip of our drink. Play along responsibly at home.

SPEAKER_06 8:19

And so I say I really like that song spelled responsible instead of respect.

SPEAKER_01 8:27

Dina has how many degrees? I forgot.

SPEAKER_02 8:30

So many. Yeah, yeah. Dina, for those of you guys that don't know, and and we'll try to catch you guys up on lore as we go along. But Dina graduated high school at like 12 years old. She has like four college degrees. Three, three college degrees, 17 to college degrees. 11 her entire life, I uh I can tell you, when I first started doing this show, there my my bullshit meter constantly went off. I was constantly going, There's absolutely no fucking way that this shit happens to Dina. All of her crazy stories, and every single time it gets backed up with proof. Like we'll run across her in front, or her husband will just randomly bring up a conversation, or she'll show us a picture. You've led the most unbelievable life, Dina, and from what I hear, you like to share it with our audience.

SPEAKER_06 9:20

Yeah. What kind of kind of softball was that? What do you want me to say next, buddy?

SPEAKER_02 9:27

Nothing. I'm just trying to go to the background. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_06 9:30

Just give people a little background.

SPEAKER_01 9:32

Dina's story. Dina, he showed up today. I'm cool, guys. So let's let's just go a little bit easy. I'm fucking trying here, baby. Don't scare him away. I can also tell that he's trying to keep his mouth in front of his microphone, but he's not doing a great job, but he's trying, and I can tell.

SPEAKER_02 9:53

Listen, trying is half the battle here.

SPEAKER_01 9:56

So just just to recap here, um, most of you are new here, and frankly, we are too. Not technically speaking, just weirdly speaking, after an extensive bit of family therapy, we have decided to come back together as a family and invite you, the audience, to become new members of our weird family. So, since this is a fresh start for us, no thanks to Daniel or Dan, as he likes to be called. Here's a little taste of what's in store. Tonight we'll have Conspiracy Corner, writing and book talk from our co-hosts, some gamer talk with Dina, aka Neopet, family time with you via our voicemail, story time from Dinosaurus, who was a member of not one but three different cults, a fun game, a fun game segment, and we will be discussing how to tackle a bad scene when you're writing. And if you're lucky, you might get a sexy reading. Stay tuned for the chaos.

SPEAKER_02 10:51

I'm gonna do something, Dina. Remember how remember the party button and how much you hate it with all of your heart?

SPEAKER_01 10:57

I don't think I have the party button button.

SPEAKER_02 11:01

We don't need to instead of the party button tonight, Dina, I'm trying to bit get your forgiveness. Is it on the sorry button? There's gonna be the Daniel drinks moonshine when Dina says button. So you're gonna use this button. Use this button properly, Dina, because this is your party button. So whenever you hit the party button, Daniel drinks moonshine.

SPEAKER_01 11:29

Oh my god, we need a button. We need a button.

SPEAKER_02 11:31

Quick, give me a button.

SPEAKER_01 11:33

Give this woman a button. It's it's it's it's it's gotta be this.

SPEAKER_06 11:37

Raptor. Oh, it's the raptor.

SPEAKER_01 11:42

Yes, okay.

SPEAKER_06 11:43

For those that are new here, that's actual my that's actually my voice, and I reenacted.

SPEAKER_01 11:47

That's why they call her Dinosaurus. It really is her voice. It's a sound clip of her that I did not alter in any way except clip it. You used to be able to get it as a ringtone audience. Yeah, it's still on our Patreon.

SPEAKER_06 11:59

Oh, heck yeah. Subscribe to our Patreon for a dollar a month and you get my raptor noise as a ringtone or a text alert, even though nobody ever has a or a make Daniel drink moonshine button. You know? Yeah. Go ahead and hit that button, Sean.

SPEAKER_01 12:14

Oh shit. We're testing it already.

SPEAKER_02 12:16

Let's go. And for the and for the audience, I'm not even drinking the good moonshine, because this brand actually makes some good ones. I'm drinking blue flame, which is basically just paint thinner. It's fucking gasoline.

SPEAKER_01 12:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 12:28

I love that for you.

SPEAKER_01 12:31

Oh boy, I bet that stings.

SPEAKER_02 12:33

Oh god, I hate every bit of that.

SPEAKER_01 12:35

This is gonna be so fun. Oh, great job, Daniel. Great job. That was good. That was good.

SPEAKER_02 12:42

I'm absolutely fucked. I'm 100% uh crashing up my mom's house tonight. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_06 12:49

Let me ask you that are also new here. Oh, Daniel's in his mom's basement despite being a grown-ass man. Yeah, it's true.

SPEAKER_01 12:56

Yeah, I've got to be a big thing. He doesn't live there. He doesn't live in the basement, so it's a step above a normal dwelling.

SPEAKER_02 13:03

What's the point of podcasting if you're not podcasting from your mom's basement?

SPEAKER_01 13:06

You can't find your glasses?

SPEAKER_04 13:08

Yeah. It's okay. I'll survive.

SPEAKER_01 13:11

Dina, you're too young to have bad eyes. Go.

SPEAKER_02 13:13

Do you wanna do you wanna do you wanna hop in the shower with me and Sean? Dina? No. We can get clean together.

SPEAKER_06 13:21

Are you gonna actually know what a shower thought is? Because usually your shower thoughts are not shower thoughts.

SPEAKER_02 13:26

So okay, my shower thoughts. This is this is where I get to think my big deep philosophical thoughts, the real linchpins of the universe. Um, and so we're gonna get in the shower together. We're gonna need a clean job.

SPEAKER_06 13:45

He read that word in a book, I guarantee it.

SPEAKER_02 13:47

I read books, I'm an author. Why where else am I gonna learn these words?

SPEAKER_01 13:53

So guys made up that word. He created it.

SPEAKER_02 13:55

Can we can we agree that Super Mario has to be homeless? Because think about it. He wakes up every single day wearing the same clothes, he fucks around in the sewers all day, he beats up people for money, and what does he spend it on? Drugs.

SPEAKER_01 14:16

Mushrooms.

SPEAKER_02 14:17

Yeah. Oh, shrooms. Yeah. So that's my shower thought, and I can't get it out of my head that we are all giant fans of a homeless bum.

SPEAKER_01 14:27

I don't but I don't bite it. I don't bite it. I don't buy it because he's I only bite if you ask me to. Oh my god! He's got his own plumbing business, and everybody knows that plumbers charge a lot of money for work. So I I don't buy it. I think that he's he he's a comfortably middle class, is what I would say.

SPEAKER_02 14:51

He's a comfortably middle class. Yeah, yeah. He he he goes on like one vacation year, but not two. Like nothing.

SPEAKER_01 14:56

And he's got Princess Peach as a fucking sugar mama, dude. Are you joking?

SPEAKER_02 15:00

Okay, yeah, but how many times do girls make bad decisions on some bum of a dude?

SPEAKER_01 15:05

Right, but that doesn't that doesn't mean that he's homeless.

SPEAKER_06 15:10

Excuse me. That was rude. Show's canceled again. Show's canceled again. Damn it. Daniel Drink.

SPEAKER_01 15:20

He was talking about Padme, not you.

SPEAKER_02 15:24

I I deserve that one. You guys should go back.

SPEAKER_06 15:26

Uh dear audience, you should go back to an episode where I discuss a boy named Anakin that ruins my self-esteem and basically my life forever. Thank you.

SPEAKER_02 15:37

And also for the audience, she's happily married to a really wonderful human being. So like Anakin's a piece of shit regardless, but like it worked out for the best. It's irrelevant.

SPEAKER_01 15:45

Yeah, thanks, Anakin. You really did Dina a solid.

SPEAKER_02 15:48

Thanks, yeah. Alright, so let's get clean together, guys. Let's let's dim the lights. Let's put on some mood music. Let's leave your disbelief at the door. It's time for Dina's TikTok conspiracy corner.

SPEAKER_06 16:06

So today I'm gonna let you guys pick which kind of which conspiracy you want. I'm just gonna give you a title, okay? It's either gonna be about the haunted Hannah uh the Hannah Montana virus or the Panda virus.

SPEAKER_01 16:21

The poop virus from the cruises? Is that what that is?

SPEAKER_06 16:24

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 16:26

That's a hard choice because poop is great, but also pandas are great.

SPEAKER_02 16:30

I mean, I feel comfortable speaking for Sean on this one. Okay, you can take this one, buddy.

unknown 16:36

Thanks, buddy.

SPEAKER_06 16:38

UFO.

SPEAKER_02 16:40

Oh, conspiracy. I mean, the Hontavirus feels like the obvious choice here, buddy, but like I'm so intrigued by just pandas. I I I need to know more, Sean, and I feel on the same page about it.

SPEAKER_01 16:57

Aren't real. Did I just blow it? I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_06 17:05

No, because pandas aren't real. Oh fucking hit us with pandas, Dina. Let's go.

SPEAKER_01 17:11

Okay, let's go. Go on.

SPEAKER_06 17:12

Pandas were supposedly the first instance of a panda recorded in whoever the people are that record animals, tax not tax ones.

SPEAKER_01 17:23

Pandologists.

SPEAKER_06 17:24

Yeah, uh scientists that recorded a the existence of a panda wasn't until the 1800s. And um it didn't start showing up in the in art until that same time period as well for like China. Um and everywhere. I don't know why I specify China, I guess, because we're talking about pandas, but anyway. Um and it wasn't even a Chinese guy that discovered pandas, it was an American like tourists. Just some dude named Dave exploring. Yeah, it was some built um and uh they're so and they only ovulate three days out of the year, right? So they're like impossible to breed.

SPEAKER_01 18:05

Famously bad at breeding. Yes.

SPEAKER_06 18:07

All that they do all day long is eat bamboo. So the theory is that they were genetically mo created, genetically modified, mute like uh a few genes were fused, crossed over, whatever the proper terminology is, with other animals just to breed this specific monster, quote unquote, to eat bamboo and keep the bamboo uh crop.

SPEAKER_02 18:35

Like that's an an invasive uh yeah.

SPEAKER_06 18:38

So it was man-made. They're man-made. Yes, also China owns the patent on pandas. How do you patent an animal? Every panda that's in a zoo has to be loaned from China.

SPEAKER_01 18:51

So the conspiracy isn't that pandas aren't real. The conspiracy is that pandas were genetically created they they they're not naturally occurring.

SPEAKER_02 18:59

Like well, yeah, they're not Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:02

Well, I was gonna say everyone knows nothing new has happened since 1800s. So this check is true. It's true.

SPEAKER_02 19:08

Don't even get resident panda expert, buddy. What do you what do you think about this one?

SPEAKER_01 19:16

Pandas are just polar bears with some black spray paint on them.

SPEAKER_06 19:21

Did you guys ever see that uh Chinese dude that got in trouble for painting dogs and putting them in the panda exhibit?

SPEAKER_01 19:27

What? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, what? It didn't look convincing at all. No, that's Chinese. It wasn't even close.

SPEAKER_06 19:33

Literally spray painted dogs, or I don't know if it was spray painted. They painted dogs to look like pandas and put them in their panda exhibit to trick people into thinking that there was pandas in the exhibit when there was no pandas in the exhibit.

SPEAKER_02 19:46

Sean, can we go on a side quest? I need to do this. Can you bring on Picture? NBC News. Here it is. Hold on. Oh my god, I'm so excited. Hold on. Dog panda. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_01 20:00

Not even close.

SPEAKER_06 20:04

I love that they're chow chows, too.

SPEAKER_01 20:08

Literally just dogs.

SPEAKER_02 20:11

Oh my god, that's incredible. No, those are pandas. I I I am 90% sure that those are pandas. Oh boy. Oh my god. Dina, can we can we dye your Basengis to make them look like pandas?

SPEAKER_06 20:30

I don't think that's gonna work.

SPEAKER_02 20:31

I don't think so, but don't think don't think that's happening.

SPEAKER_06 20:34

They're already black and white anyway.

SPEAKER_01 20:36

Listen, Daniel has had three swigs of moonshine. He is already.

SPEAKER_05 20:45

No.

SPEAKER_01 20:46

There it is. No, that was close. No, that was good.

SPEAKER_05 20:48

No, my god, I can't do a raptor anymore.

SPEAKER_01 20:51

She went through puberty, everybody.

SPEAKER_05 20:53

Please don't kill me on this show.

SPEAKER_01 20:55

There it is. There it is.

SPEAKER_06 20:59

I was exhaling instead of inhaling like Jimmy Carr.

SPEAKER_01 21:02

I hope you don't have any open fires near you, Daniel.

SPEAKER_02 21:05

Oh god.

SPEAKER_01 21:06

This guy's gonna be pooping jet fuel.

SPEAKER_02 21:10

I don't drink at all except when we do this show. Oh fuck. Alright. Um, so guys, it's time to introduce all of our new fans to a completely original segment. One that has been in no way stolen from another incredibly popular podcast, the We Have Issues podcast. Don't check them out on YouTube. Don't check them out on Spotify or wherever podcasts are shoulder. Should sold.

SPEAKER_01 21:33

No.

SPEAKER_02 21:33

Uh don't check out their comic book, Deathless. It's not the best fucking indie comic book out there in the world. I promise. Okay? It's so good. Um, guys, it's time for the Countabilli Buddy Sug segment, where we talk about where we are with our writing process and what creative things that we've been doing. Um, and Dina is the only person that's done anything creative. Uh, where are we at, buddy?

SPEAKER_06 21:58

I've kind of hit a Well, actually, I haven't written a book this year, I don't think. Um I wrote six books last year. Yeah, I told myself that once I finished the last book that I did, I wanted to go back and try to finish up that spy novel that I've been writing, which is basically an expansion of the world that I wrote on the um heroes anthology, um, which is a gendermatis retelling um and set in a dystopian spy setting. And uh I've really struggled with it. I think I have like five or six drafts where I've just completely thrown out everything. Um yeah. I'm also querying a ton um five novels right now. That's so that's super fun. I have several full requests out right now. I think I have five or six full requests out across all the books. Um and I've got a couple partials out there. I just submitted an R and R for a fairy tale romance. Um, and I'm really hopeful about that one. Uh yeah, that's where I'm at.

SPEAKER_02 23:09

Uh Sean, where are you at with your accountability, buddy? And what creative things have you been up to lately, buddy?

SPEAKER_06 23:15

How them beavers? Oh wait, right.

SPEAKER_01 23:17

I'm I'm building a factory in a video game, Satisfactory. It's called Satisfactory. I can now produce iron plates and screws.

SPEAKER_02 23:28

How's your uh how's your droid tycoon looking, buddy?

SPEAKER_01 23:30

Like uh droid tycoon, I'm maxed out. I'm waiting for an update. Like it's it's done.

SPEAKER_02 23:35

You're already fully you're already fully rebirthed?

SPEAKER_01 23:37

Yeah, I'm I'm at well I have a I have one one more rebirth to do, but there's really no reason to like I log in for five minutes a day to collect my daily rewards and then once they have something new, I'll go back into it. Yeah, Dina, do you want to talk about your NeoPets really quick before we move on?

SPEAKER_06 23:52

Since Okay, so shout out Neopets because they're coming a fortnight, baby, allegedly. So I logged back into my account uh for the first time in like a year. Couldn't get in because I don't remember the fake birthday. Yeah, I don't remember the fake birthday that I made when I was like seven years old when I made a Neopets. So I had to contact their uh customer service and I was like, hey, so you guys gave me back my account after like 20 years of not using it. Thank you so much. Um also I was a rebellious child and I was also an occult. So I didn't use my real birthday when logging in and making this account. Could you please tell me what my fake birthday is? And they did it, and I have access to my NeoPets again. Dina's a social hacker.

SPEAKER_03 24:34

Let's go.

SPEAKER_06 24:35

Let's go. Aubrey Nevea is no longer dying of starvation. She is satiated.

SPEAKER_01 24:42

And did you go in and edit your birthday so that you can remember it next time?

SPEAKER_06 24:48

No, I'm gonna write that on my to-do list. I don't want to be on your list.

SPEAKER_03 24:51

Dina's dude is literally wrong.

SPEAKER_02 24:57

Oh my god. So as far as my accountability update, um I've been bad. My book has been done for a year now. I just have to accept the last couple edits from the incredibly talented Ashley Hutchison. Hutchison.

SPEAKER_01 25:13

You did say it right that time, but let me ask you something, buddy. If I wanted to buy a copy of your debut novel, Thunderstruck, by Daniel Quigley, how could I go about doing that?

SPEAKER_02 25:21

Well, so you gotta hope that someone on eBay or Amazon is third party selling a used copy.

SPEAKER_01 25:29

Um because Tina's copy is if you if you want to buy a copy of Thunderstruck, hit me up.

SPEAKER_02 25:35

Please get it off of his hands. Sean's my my my dealer. Um but yeah, so it might have some copies of your book too.

SPEAKER_01 25:45

Did you leave him some copies when we went to Maryland? He's got like a case of your books.

SPEAKER_02 25:52

So yeah, it's like a scavenger hunt. Uh, you can find my book, Thunderstruck, somewhere out in the universe.

SPEAKER_01 25:57

It's very exclusive.

SPEAKER_02 25:58

Yeah, at one time um it was published and available where all books are found, e-readers and hardcovers, not hardback, but like, you know. Uh, but I have been the worst fucking writer in the world. In addition to not doing my job on this podcast, I've not been doing my job as a writer, so um, I need to go ahead and rebrand my stuff as self-published. Dina has offered uh seven months ago to help.

SPEAKER_01 26:25

Literally offered to do everything for me.

SPEAKER_02 26:28

And so so listen, audience, this is part of Daniel turning over a new leaf and being better. By the time we get to the next episode, Dina, will you hold me accountable? Can can can we make sure that I repost my fucking book by the next time we do an episode?

SPEAKER_06 26:43

I ain't holding nothing. That's really anything.

SPEAKER_02 26:46

You just need to yell at me and bully me until I do it. Can you can you do that for me?

SPEAKER_01 26:52

I mean That's a hard sell, man. She knows how much you're into getting bullied.

SPEAKER_02 26:59

Yeah, that that's probably win-win for me right there.

SPEAKER_06 27:02

Um You know what, how about you just do whatever you want?

SPEAKER_02 27:06

Damn it, dude. Oh no.

SPEAKER_01 27:16

Imagine him buffaloing with that jar of moonshine.

SPEAKER_02 27:21

Imagine doing the rest of this episode for me at the hospital. Fuck.

SPEAKER_01 27:25

No, if you actually buffaloed, if you actually buffaloed on that, I would make you pour it out and fill it with water and then drink it just for the show. Because that would be you would die.

SPEAKER_02 27:35

Yeah, I would die.

SPEAKER_01 27:36

If you didn't have children, I would let that happen, but you're a father now, so it's true.

SPEAKER_02 27:41

It's so bad. Like, you know how alcohol usually gets better when you get a little bit more than that.

SPEAKER_01 27:46

Nobody made you do that. You did this all on your own. I am falling on my sword shot! Falling on my sword.

SPEAKER_06 27:55

Everybody knows not to trust Dana with the keys, man.

SPEAKER_01 27:58

You're fucking you know what? I hope you have the Luke Skywalker arc right now where you just like hand your weapon over to the Emperor, because that's what you just did. I want to see where this is going. But I don't think there's another part of the plan. I think that was it.

SPEAKER_02 28:14

I think that's all our entire rundown is going out the window because I'm not sure I can follow the script anymore. You know what?

SPEAKER_06 28:23

But also, let's be let's be fair. Oh. I was just gonna say, to be fair, I haven't republished my book yet either, but that's because I'm pursuing Trad, so I just don't want to fucking deal with it. She's one of Tradsmen.

SPEAKER_02 28:35

Her books Nothing Special and Something Special are both uh fucking bangers. Um yeah, uh Sean, what was that sound? I heard a sound, Sean.

SPEAKER_01 28:45

You know what? Uh about a year ago, we well, we for new listeners, we had a voicemail line, the Don't Make It Weird hotline, that I had through Google Voice. And because we hadn't recorded in a while, they purged that number because no one was using it. And when I tried to get it back, I couldn't get it back. So I thought all hope was lost. But then I decided to just open up a brand new phone number, which is the same actually, just with a new area code.

SPEAKER_02 29:16

New area code, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 29:17

New area code. So it's 61269 weird. And we had our first few callers today for the very first time to the brand new and improved. Don't make a weird hotline, 612-69 weird. We'll answer your questions about writing. If you have a message for Daniel or Dina, give us a call. Leave us a message. It just might be featured on a future episode. And just like that, we have a voicemail. Who could it be from?

SPEAKER_02 29:47

Here I'm gonna fuck up I there.

SPEAKER_07 29:51

Uh I got some uh Windows Weird Issues, uh you know, I'm Windows who I was going on games who would like hey. You like movies? I don't like movies and I turned the movie. What do I do if I make eight weeds? Like, where are you?

SPEAKER_02 30:25

I love you too, sir.

SPEAKER_01 30:27

Well, you know what? This gentleman has a really important question in dilemma phase here. Like, um he doesn't like movies. And uh he thought that that would be weird, and he's trying not to make it weird, and he probably googled how do I not make it weird, and then found us, and now it's about it's now like it's like a lost redditor situation, I think. But you know what? I think we can help this guy.

SPEAKER_02 30:53

How can we help him, Sean?

SPEAKER_01 30:55

Well, I d I just think that you should watch the movies, man, because they're good.

SPEAKER_02 30:58

You know what? I love when we get the voicemails, man. Uh I think that uh that's our buddy Anthony LaFusi of the We Have Issues podcast. Is it? And from the comic Deathless, and I wouldn't know.

SPEAKER_01 31:11

What do you mean you know what? I don't even know how people got our phone number because it was not. I was this was supposed to be us announcing the new phone number. I wasn't expecting us to have voicemails. Yeah, that's it. The only people I gave this phone number to are in this room right now.

SPEAKER_05 31:27

That's so weird.

SPEAKER_01 31:28

That's so weird. Did you prepare the lip gloss for this moment? Okay, we got one more for today, you guys. Oh, I keep doing that. Wrong button. Who's that?

SPEAKER_00 31:56

It's working.

SPEAKER_02 31:59

I don't know this joke.

SPEAKER_00 32:53

Um I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 33:05

You guys are Fortnite for Lucas.

SPEAKER_06 33:11

My mom said that she would pack orange slices.

SPEAKER_01 33:15

That's so nice.

unknown 33:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 33:16

What what so for for the folks that that don't know? We play Fortnite a lot. We have a standing Fortnite date with our whole like group of uh of people, so you know, if you ever want to uh, you know, get get killed, um, get with us. Um here's this guy, Lucas, and they constantly make references about Lucas. I was never there when Lucas was there, so what are you talking about? Lucas Woocas, sorry.

SPEAKER_05 33:39

Woocas is our friend. I apologize to Wookus, but I don't know the joke.

SPEAKER_01 33:45

Here's the problem doesn't know I know who Wookas is because he wasn't there.

SPEAKER_02 33:50

I wasn't there.

SPEAKER_01 33:52

There was a period of time where Daniel didn't show up to anything. He started showing up to Fortnite.

unknown 33:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 33:56

So now he's catching up. But he doesn't know Wookas. We know I don't know Wookas.

SPEAKER_02 34:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 34:01

And so why? Lucas tells us all of the secrets and the f lore of Fortnite.

SPEAKER_05 34:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 34:06

Wookas also knows all of the Foods. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 34:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 34:11

Yeah. And and I don't. And I make friends forever. I want to meet WooCus. Guys, when will you set up the invite for me to meet Wookas?

SPEAKER_01 34:20

You know, maybe. Maybe at some point.

SPEAKER_02 34:22

Fair enough. Dina, can I? Can I say something real fast?

SPEAKER_01 34:25

You can tell people how to leave a voicemail.

SPEAKER_02 34:28

I can do that, but before I do that, Dina, can I say something real fast?

SPEAKER_06 34:31

If it's to tell me how great my hair is, sure.

SPEAKER_01 34:34

Oh, you didn't do that.

SPEAKER_02 34:36

That was literally exactly what I was about to say.

SPEAKER_01 34:38

Oh shit. But she said it first, so now it doesn't matter.

SPEAKER_05 34:42

No, it doesn't count.

SPEAKER_01 34:46

You know what? Next time it next time you can do it, buddy. If you're just now tuning in, Daniel has drank a lot of moonshine. And I just barely focused on the first twisted.

SPEAKER_06 35:01

I could see it in your eyes. I could see it in your eyes. You forget that I'm psychic. Psycho?

SPEAKER_01 35:10

God damn her bad to get it. She could see her hair in the reflections of your eyeballs.

SPEAKER_02 35:17

She was fucking all over it. That's ridiculous.

SPEAKER_06 35:19

No, I've been baiting you this whole time with subliminal messaging, so it's fine. I'm such a lemming.

SPEAKER_01 35:29

I told you she's not an elite social hacker. I wasn't joking when I said that.

SPEAKER_06 35:33

Every time he said a certain word, just adjust. Just do that.

SPEAKER_02 35:37

God damn it. I'm so I'm such an easy mark. Jesus Christ. Guys, we want you to call us. We want you to leave us voicemails. We want you to suitelate us with these voicemails. So, guys, give us a call at our phone number, 612-69 weird. That's 612-699.

SPEAKER_03 35:54

3473.

SPEAKER_01 35:58

You know, I recently had to change behavior on the whole call thing because like I the universal sign for I'm on the phone used to be this, right?

SPEAKER_03 36:05

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 36:06

For me and Daniel, we're old enough to know this one. But the kids today do this, like they're holding an iPhone. And it bothers me.

SPEAKER_06 36:15

When I'm interpreting for different age groups, I'll change the way that I sign it too. They just won't get it.

SPEAKER_01 36:22

That's incredible. You know what? You're so smart.

SPEAKER_06 36:24

If I go cell phone for an old person, that's tough, like they're just they don't have to be a little bit more.

SPEAKER_01 36:28

I should totally do that based on who I'm talking to. That's so simple.

SPEAKER_02 36:33

Uh Dina, would you say that you're a tease?

SPEAKER_06 36:36

Think pick will be pretty shout out, Shannon.

SPEAKER_02 36:40

Uh Dina, um I need you to to to be the moonshine. I need you to be the social lubricant. Give the people a little tease of what's to come.

SPEAKER_06 36:53

Today we're gonna tell the story about the time that my worst enemy tried to ruin my wedding. FYI, the police still have your name on file. Don't fucking come for me.

SPEAKER_02 37:10

But before that, before that, we like to play a little game. A little something to kind of break the ice after we've been recording for 45 minutes or 50 minutes. So, Sean, tell us what we're doing next.

SPEAKER_01 37:26

Today, we're doing Smash or Pass Fortnite edition. Woo! So, because we're 12-year-olds at heart, we have been playing a lot of Fortnite, and big fans of the show know that because we did do a live stream. We've done a couple of live streams where we played Fortnite. Dina loves killing children in the video games. She wasn't much of a video gamesman until she found out she could kill 12-year-olds online. So um, we started playing Fortnite in chapter six, so I grabbed some iconic characters from the battle pass since chapter six for us. No, from chapter six onward, I should say. That's why it says chapter six, seven. Um we're so in on this phase of the So here we go, you guys Smash Pass Fortnite edition. Are you ready for the first one? Look at that. Yeah, I'm ready. We've got AD. Oh, Jonesy!

SPEAKER_02 38:31

Smash. Smash! It's fucking Jonesy! If you don't smash it.

SPEAKER_06 38:35

I just wanna be I just wanna be really clear. If any of our Fortnite friends see this, you're not allowed to talk about this when we game. Oh, they don't watch it. This game segment is specifically for Tommy Critical.

SPEAKER_01 38:46

They don't watch this. You know that. Yeah, yeah, you know they're dumb. This will be the test if they watch it, because you know they'll bring it up if they watch it. So yeah.

SPEAKER_06 38:56

Yeah, I'm begging Jonesy.

SPEAKER_01 38:58

Alright, here we go.

SPEAKER_06 39:01

Smash.

SPEAKER_01 39:03

I don't trust someone wearing a mask. Could be a nugget. Could be a nugget. Definitely stays on.

SPEAKER_06 39:12

Look at those hands, man. Oh, wait, are those psychic? I actually don't like that. Never mind.

SPEAKER_01 39:18

Oh you're walking.

SPEAKER_06 39:19

Why are they close? Why are they close?

SPEAKER_01 39:23

I mean, he was the big bad of that chapter.

SPEAKER_06 39:26

Yeah, I did like him in the game. I never paid attention to his hand.

SPEAKER_01 39:31

Well, he was misunderstood, and then he had a redemption arc situation happen, so you know. Fair enough, fair enough. Daniel?

SPEAKER_02 39:40

Yeah, uh, no, I'm I'm I'm negative. Uh uh for me, eye contact is everything. No ugos. I can't I can't trust that there's not an ugly underneath there.

SPEAKER_01 39:48

Yeah, no mouth is a is a deal breaker for me. Sorry. Yeah, I got a single mouth. Morgan Mist from the super season.

SPEAKER_02 39:57

Are you kidding me? Hot goth chick?

SPEAKER_01 40:02

I feel like she's super cute, but she would just complain the whole time. You know I'm into that. I don't like it. You know I'm into that. Sorry, Dina. Yeah, that's what makes it amazing. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 40:16

But listen, would I marry Morgan Mist? Oh no. Yeah, she's a train wreck. She's a train Mogan, Mogan. She's a train wreck. But she would wreck my life just like I want Bert the Turp to wreck my life. I love her so much.

SPEAKER_01 40:30

I feel like Dina could fix her. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 40:32

Oh, I could.

SPEAKER_02 40:36

Dina's gonna start training early. She's been just like suddenly uh.

SPEAKER_01 40:39

It's gonna get spicier and spicier, you guys, by the way. Okay. Ready? I'm ready.

SPEAKER_02 40:43

I'm ready. Ready.

SPEAKER_01 40:44

Ziggy.

SPEAKER_02 40:46

Oh yeah. What? Dina!

SPEAKER_06 40:49

Yeah, I don't like him.

SPEAKER_01 40:50

Dina likes.

SPEAKER_06 40:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 40:53

Wait, do lizards have cloacas? I think they do. No, they have something similar to a cloaca. Their poop is also their sex hole. Oh, because it's a big thing. But that dick of a mouthfriend. Come on now.

SPEAKER_02 41:08

Yeah, that tongue is gonna do some work.

SPEAKER_06 41:09

It's a little too thin of a tongue, you know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_01 41:11

Oh, she likes a little crunchy from across the room, baby. Let's go.

SPEAKER_02 41:17

She Garthy, bro.

SPEAKER_01 41:20

Emperor Pet. But specifically in the glowing. In the glowy, yeah. I see that.

SPEAKER_06 41:26

I see that. And that did cause a millisecond of hesitation. And then it was done.

SPEAKER_02 41:33

Shannon. Imagine what that horse lightning was being used for seductive purposes.

SPEAKER_06 41:40

He's got good hands. They're like this.

SPEAKER_01 41:44

They're always like this. Is that what you're seeing the leap wrist?

SPEAKER_06 41:49

No, that was an inside joke for our Patreon users that also have access to our Discord.

SPEAKER_01 41:53

Patreons will know about it. Here we go.

SPEAKER_06 41:57

Subscribe for $1.

SPEAKER_01 41:59

$1. Big deal.

SPEAKER_06 42:01

Smash.

SPEAKER_02 42:02

Smash. We are big fans of Sing Pickle.

SPEAKER_01 42:05

Does the ski mask stay on?

SPEAKER_02 42:07

I think it has to. If the mask stays on.

SPEAKER_06 42:11

I'm uncomfortable with my yes, but I'm gonna stick with it because it came out of my mouth.

SPEAKER_02 42:16

It's a it's a reluctant butt yes. Okay, so so Sean, I've got a question here. When you see like down in the lower regions, oh there come the nethers.

SPEAKER_03 42:25

It's his pickaxe.

SPEAKER_01 42:27

Is that a belly button or is that just like it's just a cucumber bump, my guy. It's just a cucumber bump, it's not built. They do have bumps, yes. I mean, Big Dill, he's very phallic-shaped, but he's noticeably lacking in the Ken's dick region.

SPEAKER_02 42:52

Which is honestly probably comfort for Dina. Yeah, it's probably comfort for Dina.

SPEAKER_01 42:56

Yeah. A man with no dick makes Dina very comfortable. Yes, I'm very comfortable around Dick's man. Apprentice Evie.

SPEAKER_02 43:10

That's a play pass for me, dog. Yeah, you can't be a pass for me.

SPEAKER_01 43:14

You can't do that one, Daniel. You just can't.

SPEAKER_06 43:16

Yeah, it's just get that off the screen.

SPEAKER_02 43:23

Yeah, let's just move on right. Yes. Yes. Look how many tentacles he has! There's a reason the tentacle ports exists, Dina! There's a reason the tentacle ports. What did he do to you?

SPEAKER_06 43:36

The whole story.

SPEAKER_02 43:37

You know what he did to me?

SPEAKER_01 43:38

He hates fish sticks. Princess.

SPEAKER_02 43:42

He also doesn't have a mouth, which, depending on what you're into, could be a deal breaker.

SPEAKER_01 43:46

Wait, isn't that his mouth? Isn't the doesn't he have the tiny Zoidberg mouth right here?

SPEAKER_02 43:56

That's another impression he Oh my god. I complimented your Zoidberg, Dina! Yeah, yeah, I know.

SPEAKER_01 44:05

She does do a really good Zoidberg. Oh boy. He's cleared like close to a quarter of that jar, it looks like.

SPEAKER_06 44:14

I know, I gotta slow down for him.

SPEAKER_01 44:17

Oh my god. He's not making it upstairs. He's sleeping in that chair. And possibly urinating in it. Alright, next. Stupid sexy Flanders.

SPEAKER_02 44:29

Heywood says knows that's a fucking communist. Welcome to communist Russia, Dina!

SPEAKER_01 44:38

Dina, you don't want a free mustache ride? No.

SPEAKER_02 44:42

Oh my gosh. She is really anti-just.

SPEAKER_01 44:47

I should have put his booty on the screen though, because that ass don't quit. That ass don't quit. What if he faces away?

SPEAKER_02 44:58

That's a fair point, but he at least, like, is gonna be forgiven.

SPEAKER_01 45:03

I mean, it only looks that good in the ski suit, though. Normally he wears khakis.

SPEAKER_06 45:07

Yeah, he is.

SPEAKER_01 45:08

Oh, he fully is.

SPEAKER_06 45:16

No, I don't. Okay, fair enough, fair enough. I just don't make it weird as made it this long.

SPEAKER_02 45:20

Let's go.

SPEAKER_06 45:21

Don't make it weird as made it this long without me expanding upon that. We don't need to know.

SPEAKER_02 45:26

I mean, for Patriot, exclusive. Dina, that line is gonna leave live rent-free in my head for the next year, buddy.

SPEAKER_01 45:35

We do know you admitted to it. Stop it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 45:38

No, and I never answered that question.

SPEAKER_01 45:40

Yes, you did. It's on film, honey. I will show it to you.

SPEAKER_06 45:43

Find it.

SPEAKER_01 45:45

Alright. Fucking check notes as the last one. There's a couple more, maybe? I don't remember.

SPEAKER_02 45:50

Oh, Wookiee team leader. That's the last one. Yep. 100%. It's a hard ass.

SPEAKER_01 45:56

For me, it's my least favorite skin in Fortnite. I feel like we should have gotten like an actual Wookiee skin instead of like a Fortnite character dressed as a Wookiee. It's just like And Daniel, I almost put Darth Jar Jar on this list, but it was too big of a gimme, so I didn't.

SPEAKER_02 46:12

Yeah, that was 100% a gimme. I mean, listen, here's the thing with Wookie Team Leader. Like, it's been my dream to have someone give me the like in bed, you know?

SPEAKER_01 46:23

That hasn't happened.

SPEAKER_02 46:24

No, that hasn't happened.

SPEAKER_01 46:26

You're not trying hard enough, buddy. You gotta make it involuntary. You know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_02 46:30

You have to make Wookie sounds involuntary.

SPEAKER_01 46:35

And this has been Smash or Pass Fortnite edition.

SPEAKER_02 46:43

Has there ever been a situation in your life that you involuntarily Wookieed?

SPEAKER_06 46:48

I'm gonna play the fifth.

SPEAKER_03 46:51

Mm-hmm.

unknown 46:53

Totally.

SPEAKER_02 46:56

I'll be in my bunk. I'm so sorry, Tina. I'm so sorry.

SPEAKER_01 47:02

You did this, Dina. I hope you know this. You did this. You did this.

SPEAKER_02 47:05

I'm so sorry, Dina, Dina. I'm so sorry.

SPEAKER_05 47:07

Take away the button. Oh, fuck. Take away the button.

SPEAKER_06 47:15

I don't think we should do Book Doctor. Holy shit.

SPEAKER_02 47:18

Yeah, we gotta move on from Book Doctor. Book Doctor's not gonna happen. Yeah, let's fucking do it. Alright, guys. We're all about storytelling here, and every week we aim to share an entertaining tale. So without further ado.

SPEAKER_01 47:34

It's story time with Dinosaurus.

SPEAKER_06 47:39

Okay, today we are gonna talk about the time that a girl tried to ruin my wedding. Um, so those of you that are not new here, um, you know that I had an enemy in the cult who did a lot of things that tried to ruin my reputation and steal the person that I was very much in love with in the cult. That bitch. And that bitch. Um at one point we had gotten past our differences and became besties. But she was like always that kind of uh friend, like friend of me, I guess. I didn't view hers that way, but I think that she viewed me that way. Um, because she was always like stealing anybody that I had a crush on. Well, not successfully. Nobody fucking liked her. Still to this day. You seem less.

SPEAKER_01 48:28

Fucking bitch. Fuck you. Um yeah, fucking bitch.

SPEAKER_06 48:31

She would just like start to flirt with whoever I liked and had crushes on whoever I liked, and would try to talk to them and basically just like it was kind of weird, and I didn't see it at the time, but basically just trying to like live my life. It was very weird and uncomfortable. But I started dating Timuranja. Timuranja! Uh she like admitted to me that she had a crush on him, and I was like, don't give a fuck. Um I f that's my man. Eventually I had her baker acted, and we were no longer friends.

SPEAKER_01 49:04

Um, we did hear that story. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 49:06

I did, I do remember the Baker Act.

SPEAKER_06 49:08

Yeah, so she was Baker acted. We were no longer friends after that. Um, and I had kind of moved on with my life. I no longer worked at Chick-fil-A, I no longer went to the cult. I was a very I was like starting my journey to becoming a very well well-rounded citizen and normal. Say I am. Um, and I had completely moved on. She was no longer a part of my life. Um, I did have one friend that was escaping the cult, like was aware um and trying to get out, but you know, no education, no job, no way to get out. So it's kind of hard still living with her parents.

SPEAKER_01 49:48

Um homeless just like Super Mario.

SPEAKER_06 49:51

Uh yeah, just like Super Mario. That's the person that I'm talking about. Yeah. I'm pretty sure she went back, but I don't I don't know. She's because what he Really, really quick.

SPEAKER_01 50:02

We had a friend of Dina's on the show. She's talking to them right now. They came on our show from their car, and the homeless situation wasn't good for her network connection. And we had her on for like 20 minutes dealing with technical issues. We did Christian Jeopardy, if I'm not mistaken. We need to do that again because it got shit canned because she couldn't finish the show and she didn't have a connection. And then Dina never heard from her again, as far as I know. Yeah. Because she was trying to escape the cult and then probably got lured back in because they're and that's how I learned about the stuff.

SPEAKER_06 50:37

Yeah, because yeah, that's that was Yeah, Suke City is where she was uh living at the time. Um it's yeah, like the the thing with the quilt is that like you the women aren't educated and there's no like college education. Women don't get jobs, like it's very rare, and if you do like you have to have special permission and special reasons, and so like trying to get out is next to impossible for a girl because you have no means.

SPEAKER_03 51:03

Yeah, you have no way to make money for yourself, you have to rely on it. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_06 51:06

Yeah, there's not like there's nothing. So um I did yeah, I did still have her as a friend. Um, but she was like still in the cult, so nobody knew that we were friends, so she couldn't be in my wedding, and I'm I'm kind I'm sad that I wish that she had been in my wedding. Um, but we had a mutual friend that was cult adjacent that was my best friend. I introduced them and they became friends and talked like secretly because the cult came up anyway. Um uh this uh my wedding day goes off not without a hitch, but we'll get to those stories later. This is that's irrelevant. Um, and after my wedding, like I come back from my honeymoon and I uh find uh the mutual friend with my friend that was still in the cult, and then my friend that was in my wedding that was mutual friends with her, um, texts me and she's like, We can't be friends anymore. And I was like, What the fu like what I just got married, like my life is changing completely. What do you mean? You're abandoning me, like what's happening? And she said that our friend that was still in the cult trying to get out had been contacted the day of my wedding and had contacted my bridesmaid, um if I care like hearsay, I guess, like a trickle effect or whatever. Um, and said that I had been texting my enemy is what we'll refer to her as. On my wedding day, had been texting her.

SPEAKER_01 52:33

Hold on a minute, didn't we give her a name?

SPEAKER_06 52:36

Uh, my enemy Jaclyn is what we called her.

SPEAKER_01 52:39

Okay.

unknown 52:39

Jacqueline.

SPEAKER_06 52:40

Yeah, we called her Jacqueline. Um, so my friend that was in the cult still had gotten a text from Jacqueline on my wedding day, claiming that it was a screenshot from me texting her. Mind you, I'm getting ready. I'm surrounded by my bridesmaids. I've got a I did all the decorating for my wedding myself, so I'm waiting for the case.

SPEAKER_02 53:03

Like if I tried to do something, yeah.

SPEAKER_06 53:05

She had texted um our friend in in the cult still that wanted to get out and told her to tell my bridesmaid and send it to her. It was a screenshot of me allegedly texting Jacqueline saying, I won, I got Tim Ranja, um, and uh uh I've got a better life than you, and I'm so much prettier than you. And it was all like cliche things and just like every insecurity. Yeah, totally. Like, I win, I got the hot guy, and I'm getting married, and my wedding's perfect. It was literally like that. Like, I was bullying her in this like immature way, and they've uh my bridesmaid sent me the screenshot, and she was like, I don't want to be friends with somebody that's talking like this to somebody and that's being mean and bullying people on your wedding day nonetheless, blah blah blah. And my friend that was trying to escape the cult also texted me and said, I don't want to be friends with you. So, like they, the two girls, my bridesmaid and the friend that was still in the cult that wanted to escape, had both texted me together in a group chat saying that they didn't want to be friends with me and because of all this, and that they uh they couldn't believe that I would do that to Jacqueline. And um, I literally had to send them my text history. Like I contacted Verizon and I had to download every number that I had texted that day to prove to them that it wasn't me. This bitch had been texting, you know how you can like change your contact name in your iPhone? She had been texting that to herself and was setting it up to try to ruin my wedding day. She thought that they were gonna send it on my wedding day and make them like not be in make the one girl not be in my wedding and text me and ruin my wedding.

SPEAKER_01 54:47

That's fucking dying. You retaliated how I contacted the police.

SPEAKER_06 54:55

I have an I I have I have a case. I I'm sure it's not active anymore, it's been like nine years, but um I told the police everything that she had ever done and like her history of mental illness and everything, and um I had an open case against her for quite some time to see like I've got an active stalker situation.

SPEAKER_02 55:15

Yeah, I mean, to be fair though, you have been known to say that my husband's super hot and give middle fingers to everyone, you know. Yeah, I definitely do that. Like this pretty common thing.

SPEAKER_06 55:25

But here's the thing to your audience. I would just like you guys to know that that fucking crazy bitch, um, pardon my French, she um has a YouTube channel that has more subscribers than us, so I'm gonna need y'all to hit that subscription button.

SPEAKER_02 55:38

You gotta help us out here. We can let her win.

SPEAKER_06 55:40

I'm gonna need you to hit that subscription button and not let her win because she tried to ruin my friendships. By the way, I'm no longer friends with the bridesmaid because she made me and she's no longer sick. No, she's not. But anyway, um I uh I think that it's really shitty that my friends made me prove it and wouldn't just take my word for it. So I'm also no longer friends with that bridesmaid because Yeah, fuck that bitch.

SPEAKER_02 56:03

To be fair, I shouldn't have to find it to you. That's why you've upgraded to the sync pickleball, bro. Like we've got to be able to do that.

SPEAKER_01 56:10

This is why you have to do the the believe me test with your friends. You have to like tell them that you saw something completely unbelievable. Like you saw a monster, you saw a zombie or something.

SPEAKER_02 56:21

At this point, I'm pretty sure.

SPEAKER_01 56:23

Anthony Anthony from We Have Issues, check it out, yeah, he came up with this theory. Like in movies, someone always sees some fucked up weird shit, and they tell their best friend, and then the best friend doesn't believe them, like ever.

SPEAKER_05 56:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 56:37

Sean, you don't want to believe it.

SPEAKER_05 56:40

Dina, after six. No, Daniel would believe me, Sean wouldn't believe me.

SPEAKER_01 56:44

I was gonna say, after six years, I need to see shit. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_02 56:49

Dina, I'm pretty sure you have magical powers, as shown by the the fucking hair comment from earlier today. Um yeah, I'm all in. You can basically tell me anything, and I'm gonna go. Yeah, I'm all I believe you, Dina.

SPEAKER_05 57:01

I know.

SPEAKER_02 57:02

Yeah. Fuck, I'm an easy mark. But you know what, guys? We with all of Dina's stories, we don't like to just show you her stories. We like for you guys to be involved. We want you guys to be in the cut share with us. Yeah. So it's time to choose your own adventure. Dina, what stories should we pick for next week?

SPEAKER_06 57:27

Next week, you guys can choose from if you subscribe to our Patreon and and join our Discord chat. You can choose from Anakin teaching me how to drift. By the way, we make up fake names for everybody in my stories. Yeah, I'm not sure. So Anakin uh is teaching me how to drift, or the date that wasn't a date, or sneaking into a ball at the Ritz Carlton.

SPEAKER_02 57:52

Oh fuck. So for those of you guys who don't know, me and Sean have a rule. The more pedestrian or non-interesting the title that Dina gives one of her three-story options usually means that's the fucking best story. That's the banger. Sean, what are you thinking here, man?

SPEAKER_01 58:13

Yeah, so like I'm trying to apply that rule here, but I'm having a hard time. Um like learning how to drift as a teenager? That could go very wrong.

SPEAKER_02 58:25

Yeah. Um Tokyo Drift.

SPEAKER_01 58:27

Dina's date stories are always hilarious. She has been on so many dates that were not dates. It's interesting. Have you guys seen that episode of Parks and Wreck where Leslie's gonna go on a date with Louis C.K.'s character, he's a cop, and she's so worried about ruining the date, and her friend Anne is trying to talk her off the edge. And she's like, but what if what if I fall down and break my ankle and then he hates me after that? And what if this happens and what if that happens? And she names off all this horrendous shit that could possibly happen on a date. And Anne's like, dude, chill out, like, none of that stuff is gonna happen unless he's like, all of those things have happened to me before. They're all real stories. That's Dina.

SPEAKER_02 59:10

That is so Dina, fuck, you're so right. Damn. I listen, the drift feels like the most innocuous, but like I love it when you keep on going on these dates that aren't dates. I want the date story. That's my that's my love. I do too. I'm interested in the in in the Ritz-Carlton.

SPEAKER_01 59:31

I want to know if you gave them a piggyback ride. I want to know if they put their head out in a theater. Yep. Yeah. I want to know if it was them who thought it was a date and it wasn't, or if it was you who thought it was a date and it wasn't. Don't spoil it. Or both. Yeah. Or neither of you. I don't know. It's gonna be a fun story.

SPEAKER_02 59:53

Yeah, I'm I'm excited about this one. There's there's a lot of good options here. So, guys, let us know what you think. Put it in the comments. I don't know. Put a put a mail in to Sean. Uh leave us a voice. I'll give you his address. I'll give you his address, guys. Um I'm just kidding, I don't fucking know his address.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:07

He doesn't know my address. He's never been to my house.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:10

Yeah, never. Um man, Dina. The people don't know about the steamy shower voice, do they? Yeah. Yeah, it's time to dust that one off, buddy. It's time to kick it like it's episode one. Because you see.

unknown 1:00:29

Hello, ladies.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:32

Every week we celebrate some of the worst erotic literature in history.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:37

She has the notebook out.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:38

Selected by the literary viewers, just number three now. A British literary magazine in a segment that we call cringy copulation. These are real excerpts.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:49

Cringy baby.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:50

There it is.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:51

I missed that voice. These are real excerpts from real books intended to be taken seriously. This week's excerpt is read by Vina and is from the Cringy Copulation Hall of Famer, the 2009 winner of the Literary Reviews Bad Sex Fiction Fiction Award, The Kindly Ones by Jonathan Lattell. Jonathan is an American-born writer living in Barcelona. His first novel written in French, The Kindly Ones, won two major French awards, including the Prix Gondecote and the Prix de l'Ecademie Français. The accent, so legit.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:38

She needs another drink.

SPEAKER_06 1:01:39

What if I just don't do it?

SPEAKER_01 1:01:43

Then we can have AI do it, I guess.

SPEAKER_05 1:01:50

I hate you. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:53

I just want to tell you right now. You don't have to do it.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:57

You don't have to do it. Consent is everything on the show.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:02

You don't have to- I'm being serious. You don't have to do it.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:04

Sean will read it.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:06

I didn't say I would read it. Fuck it.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:10

I feel comfortable speaking on behalf of Sean.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:14

Dear listener, the following cringy compilation segment contains a scene depicting sexual assault. As is customary for this segment, we read the excerpt without prior knowledge of its contents and we're not aware of the material that would be included until after recording. We've chosen to leave this segment intact for the sake of context and transparency. But we understand this topic may be distressing for some listeners. So please continue at your own discretion.

SPEAKER_06 1:02:43

Okay, we'll do it.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:44

She's gonna do it! She's gonna do it!

unknown 1:02:47

Hello, ladies.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:56

So for the folks that don't know, Dina reads all of these cold. She doesn't know ahead of time. We're all going on this journey together.

SPEAKER_06 1:03:04

Right. Una had stretched out on the bed of the guillotine. I lifted the lunette, made her put her head through it, and closed it on her long neck. Absolutely the fuck not. Are you kidding me right now? I'm uh I'm so scared of being murdered for no reason.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:23

Some people are into that.

SPEAKER_06 1:03:25

After carefully lifting her heavy hair, first of all, bitch, don't call anything about me heavy. She was panting. I tied her hands behind her back with my belt, then raised her skirt. I didn't even bother to lower her panties. Just push the lace to one side and spread her buttocks with both hands. In the slit, nestling in here, her anus gently contracted. I spit on it, first of all. Go on, Daniel. No, she protested.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:09

She said no. Daniel, are you giving us? No, this is a award-winning French book. It's the French.

SPEAKER_06 1:04:19

I took out my penis, lay on top of her, and thrust it in. She gave a long, stifled cry. I was I was crushing her with all my weight because of the awkward position. My trousers were hindering my legs. I could only move in little jerks, leaning over the lunette, my own neck beneath the blade. I whispered to her, I'm going to pull the lever, I'm going to let the blade drop. She begged me, please fuck my Yeah, what what did you want you to what what was it wan? No, I came suddenly a jolt that emptied my head like a spoon scraping the inside of a soft boiled egg. That's rape. That's rape. Like a soft boiled egg, that's rape. Daniel!

SPEAKER_02 1:04:59

What's from the UK literary review? Okay. It's from the UK Literary Review. Listen to it.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:08

Do we all read necco necrophilia all day during this segment? But if someone says no.

SPEAKER_02 1:05:14

She was consenting to sexual relations, and I don't know that. Yeah, intent.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:20

She didn't want it to go, and then she said no.

SPEAKER_04 1:05:23

Yeah. She said no twice. She said no twice.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:05:30

That's right. Yeah, that's right. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:37

Award-winning pro problematic author.

SPEAKER_05 1:05:39

Yeah, this dude. And I don't have an agent.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:42

This dude's a real Vic the Dick.

SPEAKER_05 1:05:45

This is a real Vic the Dick.

SPEAKER_06 1:05:47

That's straight up.

SPEAKER_05 1:05:48

That's right.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:50

Can we agree to can we agree to exclude sexual assault from this segment moving forward?

SPEAKER_02 1:05:54

Yeah. 100%. Okay. I didn't necessarily read it as such in the beginning, but now that I'm Reading it in the case of the case.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:00

Yeah, I feel like you missed it because you're like, Yeah, I perceive it.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:06

Correct. I would never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever condone the sexual. Of course not.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:13

That's not what I'm implying. I'm just saying, but can we be more cognizant of that?

SPEAKER_02 1:06:18

Yeah, I I was just trying to pick one because we've done two excerpts from this book already. So the fact that we found a third one, I mean, this has probably gotta be one of the this one awards! And we've got three different versions of this book.

SPEAKER_05 1:06:33

Man, fuck this guy.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:35

Fuck this guy. Stay in France, bro. I mean, like, I stay in the France, bro. I mean, I also want to know the context of like like I have to imagine that maybe this is sort of like some SM play because like she willingly.

SPEAKER_06 1:06:54

Yeah, maybe they had us established a safe word.

SPEAKER_05 1:06:58

Yeah, because she's tied up, she's in the Gia.

SPEAKER_06 1:07:01

My safe word is personally no.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:07

The universal universal safe word.

SPEAKER_03 1:07:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:12

Yeah, listen, we don't know the context. Maybe, maybe there was something happening that was not problematic, and I just want to believe that.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:20

Yeah, you know, let's all believe that there is a non-problematic. Because really, I was just about the soft boiled egg and the just the mental image of like I I almost thought it was a little bit more. I see your mind map. Yeah, yeah, you were with me on the mind map. I wasn't trying to be uh, you know, only hard-boiled eggs from now on.

SPEAKER_06 1:07:42

My chest hurt a little bit. She said no twice, brother. What and that one. I'm so fucking pissed at at the world right now, at the publishing industry. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:55

I mean What a Lattel, man. Anyway.

SPEAKER_05 1:07:58

What a lunette. What if you don't even know what a lunette is? What if we had a future segment?

SPEAKER_01 1:08:04

When you read it, I it sounded like you knew what it was. I bought it.

SPEAKER_04 1:08:07

I was going in pretty confident.

SPEAKER_01 1:08:08

Although you did say guillotine, which is very Anglameric. It's a guillotine American to you. Guillotine. It's called a guillotine.

SPEAKER_06 1:08:17

I'm not speaking French right now, bitch. We we I I do uh pronounce them. It's we versus oui. If I'm speaking French versus American, just to fuck with everybody.

SPEAKER_02 1:08:34

Oh god, you do speak French, don't you? Oh my god.

SPEAKER_01 1:08:38

She knows like 17 languages, and those are just the verbal ones. Daniel, do you want to take us home, fuck friend?

SPEAKER_02 1:08:44

Fuck friend, yeah, fuck friend. Friend fuck. Uh guys, this has been another Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on.

SPEAKER_06 1:08:52

Because we did skip the book Doctor segment. I do just want to tell people that they can call in and like give us any scenes that they're stumped with and we will discuss it on the show and shoot out ideas.

SPEAKER_01 1:09:03

Yeah, we were just gonna talk about the voicemail. That's a great idea.

SPEAKER_02 1:09:06

Yeah. So, like, listen, we might uh give some Jonathan Jonathan Lattell some advice uh on the kindly ones about how not to call us Jonathan Lattell.

SPEAKER_01 1:09:15

Let us know. Yeah, I want to talk to you.

SPEAKER_05 1:09:17

I want to shake your hand.

SPEAKER_02 1:09:21

That was the most menacing. I want to shake your hand I've ever heard. Because we can fix your book. We will be your book, Doctor, Jonathan.

SPEAKER_06 1:09:29

Yeah, here, let me book doctor this book real quick. Hey, if she says no, the scene ends, and he pulls out and he says, Oh my god, I'm so fucking sorry. And then you know what? They go catch a movie.

SPEAKER_03 1:09:43

Noah, we just fixed the cabin.

SPEAKER_01 1:09:44

Yeah, you know what?

SPEAKER_06 1:09:46

We just cute and you know what he does? He gets he calls her a separate cab that he pays for at the end of the movie, and he watches her get into the cab, closes the door, yeah, closes the door for her gently. You know what? She can roll down the window, she can like blow him a kiss, goodbye. And then you know what's gonna happen? He's gonna text her when he knows that she should be home to make sure that she's home. He's gonna say goodnight. And then we're gonna call it a day. That's the scene.

SPEAKER_02 1:10:16

And he's also not gonna have sex with her on top in a guillotine. Like, I feel like that you know what?

SPEAKER_06 1:10:21

Some people might be into it.

SPEAKER_02 1:10:22

No, yeah.

SPEAKER_06 1:10:24

Personally, no. There's my safe word, no.

SPEAKER_01 1:10:27

She dropped it again.

SPEAKER_06 1:10:29

But but you know, some people might be into it. I can see the appeal. Danger. Danger because that's hot.

SPEAKER_02 1:10:39

I wonder if he's gonna re-antoinette me. Um fuck. You know what? So, guys, if you got a scene that you're struggling with, have you got a character that you don't know what to do with, give us a call. The doctors are in. We're gonna help you be the next best seller.

SPEAKER_06 1:10:57

I was so scared. I'm so sorry.

SPEAKER_02 1:11:00

What did you think I was gonna say?

SPEAKER_06 1:11:01

No, I saw this tag, but I don't have my glasses on right now. I did, and I thought it was a bug, and I was trying to keep it together and blink rapidly while grabbing the bug. Okay. I'm sorry, go ahead. It's not a bug.

SPEAKER_02 1:11:14

Fair enough. No, no, I'm glad the bug's okay. Glad it's good. Um, so yeah, guys, if you got a scene that you're struggling with, you got a character you don't know what to do with, you need some advice from the experts about how to become the next bestseller, we got you.

SPEAKER_06 1:11:28

For those that are new here, I previously worked for a publisher, so you know.

SPEAKER_01 1:11:32

Daniel, are we gonna find out what the list is today, or is that for a later time?

SPEAKER_06 1:11:36

Oh, um, it was just every time Danielle annoyed me.

SPEAKER_01 1:11:40

Oh, okay. So, what was the tally?

SPEAKER_06 1:11:42

Uh four. Four?

SPEAKER_01 1:11:44

That's actually pretty recorded for me. That's it, because he was drinking. I can tolerate him when he's drinking. Okay.

SPEAKER_05 1:11:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:11:49

Okay. That's fair. That's fair. Yeah. Listen, I am the funniest charming individual when other people are drinking. So guys, you can give us a call at 612-69 weird. That's 612-699-3473. Guys, we're not that active on social media.

SPEAKER_06 1:12:17

Well, I'm not in the I am currently going viral for my baby carrot. For those of you that are new here, my name's Dinosaurus, and I have a viral thread right now that is for a baby carrot.

SPEAKER_02 1:12:31

What what how many likes are you up to right now?

SPEAKER_06 1:12:33

Over 80,000.

SPEAKER_01 1:12:34

Yeah, Daniel, you were supposed to introduce her as the person who was famous for her tiny carrot, and then her was gonna remark about how you're famous for your tiny hands, but that never happened.

SPEAKER_02 1:12:45

I should have. These baby hands are real though.

SPEAKER_01 1:12:49

Hobbit hands, let's go.

SPEAKER_02 1:12:50

Oh my gosh. So, Dina, where can the folks find you and your baby carrot?

SPEAKER_06 1:12:55

You can find me on threads at dinosaurus dmiw. That's D a big D, as in Djnutz. Also, you can buy me gifts on my website at dinosaurus d.com. Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 1:13:10

Slash gifts.

SPEAKER_02 1:13:12

Uh Sean, where can the folks find you, buddy?

SPEAKER_01 1:13:14

You can find me. Not really on social media. I really only go on x.com for Fortnite updates because I like to keep on feelings, you know.

SPEAKER_02 1:13:25

Um, and you can find him. And maybe we're gonna be active again because we have a uh recurring podcast. So uh you can go find him, give him uh feedback, whatever. Yeah, allegedly. Uh you can find me on threads at DanielQuigleyAuthor. Uh you had to look that up just now. Yeah, I really did. He couldn't right here, but yeah, he had to he pulled up his Instagram just to Dan Q right thing. So like yeah. Uh yeah, you find me on Threads at Daniel QuigleyAuthor. Give me a line. Let's talk about it. Oh, one more.

SPEAKER_04 1:13:59

We should just do a little babysitter.

SPEAKER_01 1:14:01

Let's just little glug, glug, glug, chug, chug, chug.

SPEAKER_06 1:14:08

Did he bubble?

SPEAKER_01 1:14:09

Oh, buddy. No, he didn't. No, okay. He's been very good about using his lefty. I've been watching. Oh, buddy, that was the last one. If you bring it home, it could be the last one. Like, if you take too long, she might hit you with another one.

SPEAKER_02 1:14:24

You can uh this has been another great episode of Don't Make It Weird Podcast. We'll see you all again next week, Jazz Hands.

SPEAKER_01 1:14:33

Don't Make It Weird with Daniel Quigley, Dina Sauros, and Sean Holden. Produced and edited by me, Sean Holden. Theme song by Amaria. The song you're hearing right now is written and performed by Anthony Lafusi. You can rate and review this show on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Good Pod, and wherever else you find your podcast. Got a question for Daniel Dina? Holden, don't make it weird. If you haven't already, subscribe to us on YouTube for the video version of this show. Special thank you to our certified weirdos on Patreon. Shannon Bright, Matthew S, Stephen Howard, Acey Alabaster, RM Hammer, and Chris. If you'd like access to exclusive content on our official Discord server, head over to patreon.com slash DMIW. Thank you so much for listening, and we love you.

SPEAKER_07 1:15:39

Is that okay?