Holiday Miss-givings

Have you ever found the perfect gift, only to realize it was not so perfect?  See how our characters handle this situation in this episode filled with Holiday Spirit. 

Transcript

KITTEN: Oh finally a clear day! meow it is sure chilly out today! 

RUBIX: It feels like it's cold all the time since Maddox leaves that blasted window open for you all day. Why do you get so much freedom? 

KITTEN: Maddox knows I will come back. She is not worried I'd leave and never return.

RUBIX: OH if I get out I'll come back as the ruler of the world... Ha Ha Ha, you'll all be in cages then…

KITTEN: Really Rubix, you still think you are going to conquer the world? 

RUBIX: You will see feline. Now go leave me to my plans. Go visit your bird brains. 

KITTEN: Chucky and the hens are not bird brains, 

RUBIX: Are they birds? 

KITTEN: Yes 

RUBIX: Do they have brains? 

KITTEN: Yes. 

RUBIX: Well then they are bird brains. 

KITTEN: The way you say it, it sounds like an insult. 

RUBIX: I know isn't it great.

KITTEN: (Sigh) see you later Rubix (hop)(wind gust) 

RUBIX: Da Svidania. (SFX:Shiver) OH I wish they would close that blasted window I am going to freeze. Time to head down to my lair and do some plotting. Down the chute. (SFX: Whosh) 

(slide waste)? OH so much warmer down here in my lair. Now where was I? Escape Strategies, human enslavement, minion recruitment (loud crash) What? Now what? Fu! Back up the shoot! (SFX: Scrabble)  whew 

CHIP:(munch munch) OH, so much yummy food. 

RUBIX: Who are you?

CHIP: Huh?  

RUBIX: Did you come in through the open window?  

CHIP: AHH: (Coughing)  Flaming Cinnamon! You scared me and almost made me choke on this delicious food. Can you believe they just leave it setting out? (crunch munch) There is a whole bowl just sitting here right under that open window.  

RUBIX: Are you a rodent from outside?

CHIP: Who is taking to me? Where are you? 

RUBIX: It is I, Rubix Ollivander.

CHIP: Huh who? 

RUBIX: Turn around and look up. What?  what is wrong with your face? Your cheeks are huge! How much food can you put in your cheeks? Oh this could be a possible minion… looks to have a useful adaptations.  

CHIP: Oh my cheeks? They are full of pockets! I have just started, I can put a lot more in yet. My cheeks contain pouches and pockets and can stretch up to three times the size of my head. 

RUBIX: Really?  I can see that being very useful.  My cheeks only stretch to my soldiers I mean shoulders. I do have pockets as well and little muscles that pull the food back once in the pocket so I can keep everything organized inside my cheeks.   

CHIP:  Really?  Me too!  I just love a well organized pocket.  My brother once put 13 acorns in his cheek. It was a family record! The rest of us can only do 12. I am a Chipmunk to answer your question and my name is Chip 

RUBIX: Chip the Chipmunk. How original. 

CHIP: I'm the last of 8 in my litter and I think my mom was to tired when she finally got naming me... What kind of Animal are you? Are you dangerous? Is that why they have you in a cage? 

RUBIX: Of course I am dangerous! I am Ruby Olivander the Hamster of Doom (thunderclap) and one day I will rule the world! Whaaa Ha Ha (Squeak Squeak Squeak)

CHIP: Wow! I've never met a world leader before. Should I bow? 

RUBIX: That would be nice.

CHIP: I'd be far to scared to take over the world. There are too many predators out there.

RUBIX:  Preditors ha! I laugh in the face of predators. Squeak squeak squeak! 

CHIP: Do you really? Have you laughed at the large grey cat that prowls around this room and the yard? The one that just left out the window to go stalking the woods? She chased me a couple of weeks ago! She is terrifying? 

RUBIX: Who kitten? She is not terrifying. I laugh at her all the time. She always wants to be my friend.

CHIP: You are so brave. I could not imagine laughing at such a fierce beast. Have you seen her claws to teeth? She chased me through the woods until, lucky for me another larger predator scared her up a tree. 

RUBIX: OH So you are the Chipmunk that she saw. She was not going to hurt you. she just wanted to talk?... 

CHIP: No way! I mean she said that but I did not believe her. Predators will say anything to get you to stop so they can catch and eat you.

RUBIX: Ha Kitten is not a predator. OH yes I know that she has the feline fangs and murder mittens but she has no clue how to use them. She is a harmless house cat. 

CHIP: What's a house cat? 

RUBIX: She is spoiled: she sleeps here in the house all her food is provided to her. She has no idea how to hunt? 

CHIP'. Then why does she spend her day prowling the woods? 

RUBIX: She is not prowling. She is going to see her band of bird brain friends down on the lower property. 

CHIP: She is friends with birds?  Does she try to eat them? 

RUBIX: No of course not.  She has no killer instinct.

CHIP: But how can you be sure?  Are you talking about the group of birds in the cage with a little house in the woods? 

RUBIX:  Yes, those are the birds. Although the cage is new.  At our last house, they had a coop or little house but they had no cage. Kitten was always hanging around them and talking with that rooster. She has never tried to eat them. I heard the humans talking and I guess because they are so far away and there are a lot more predators in the woods they now need a cage.

CHIP: Wow!  Such strange behavior for a predator.  

 RUBIX: Yes, she is strange. 

CHIP: The chicken food is so well protected... I have tried to get in and get some grain but no luck. That is why I came here. The leaves are all of the trees. It is getting close to our hibernation time so I am trying to get as much food as I can into the burrow before the snow comes. That’s why I took a chance and came into the window to get some of this food.  Even though it smells so much like human here.  

(SFX: Footsteps on the stairs.)  

CHIP: Flaming Cinnamon!  What is that?  

RUBIX: I think it is Maddox coming down the stairs. Quick, you better hide! Climb up the curtain. She won't look there. 

MADDOX: (SFX: Door opens)  Burr, It is cold in here.  Are you doing ok Rubix?  I thought you would be in your house or under your fluff.  Is the cold keeping you awake?  

RUBIX: Squeak! Of course the cold is keeping me awake, but why would you care?  

MADDOX: Wow! Kitten was really messy with her food today.  That’s very unlike her.  Do you want me to pick you up Rubix?  You are close to the cage door.  How about I reach in?

RUBIX:  snap,  squeak!   I missed! I was hoping to bite her and then she would drop me out of this cage.

MADDOX: Whew! Rubix you almost got me!   I guess you're not in the mood for some cuddles.  I was just dropping in to grab a project kit.  I'm making little pom pom pets for my friends who are not allowed to have real pets.  See you later, Rubix! 

(SFX: Footsteps away, door closes) 

CHIP: Is she gone? Is it safe to come down?

RUBIX: Yes she is gone and my escape attempt was foiled again!

CHIP: I can't believe you tried to bite that human!  She is so much bigger than you. Weren’t  you afraid? 

RUBIX: A world the leader cannot  live in fear of one small human. 

CHIP: How are you going to take over the world? 

RUBIX:  I am working on a secret plan.  

CHIP: What is it?

RUBIX:  If I told you, it would not be a secret anymore.

CHIP: Flaming Cinnamon you are good.  

RUBIX:  You keep saying that?  Flaming cinnamon,  what does that mean? 

CHIP: Oh it's a phrase we use in our family.  We all hate the smell of cinnamon and it is also extremely flammable!

RUBIX:  You hate the smell of cinnamon? 

CHIP: Oh yes it's just dreadful!  The smell and the taste! Yuck!

RUBIX:  I don’t think it is that bad.  

CHIP: I saw some campers sprinkle it on a fire once and the flames exploded!  I don't think you should eat stuff that can burst into flames like that!

RUBIX:  I had no idea!  it sounds like the cinnamon could be very useful to my plans. 

CHIP: Oh I would stay away from it if I were you. 

RUBIX:   It seems like you would stay away from a lot of things, I would not. Humm… you have given me lots to think about.  Cinnamon… 

(Scene Change)  

KITTEN:Burr! It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas… Everywhere I go.   Take a look at the frozen pond, glistening in the sun and the  frozen leaves  are crackling under my paaaaaaws.  

Oh Crunch crunch crunch, crunch crunch crunch leaves are crunching under my paaaw.  Oh what fun it is to sing Christmas songs! Hey! 

CLUCKY:Hey Kitten! Deck the halls with bows of Holly 

ALL: Fl la la la laaa la la la la

BRIGITA: Tis the season to be Jolly 

ALL: Fl la la la laaa la la la la

BELLA: Don we now our gay apparel 

ALL: Fl la la la laaa la la la la ( CLUCKY:Aren’t these christmas sweaters fun?) 

BRIDGET: Mine is rather itchy (to to music) 

CLUCKY:Oh come on Bridget where is your holiday spirit.  

BRIDGET: I have holiday spirit, I’d just prefer to wear my feathers and not this sweater.  

KITTEN: Wow I must say, Xander really when all out on sweaters for you and little hats.   You all look very festive.  

CLUCKY: I love this time of year!  It feels so much more festive here up in the trees with the crisp mountain air.  I did not think I would like the cold but with our winter gear, I’m really enjoying it.  

BRIGITA: Did you see our coop got a makeover too!  

KITTEN:What is on the coop?  

BELLA: It’s a thermal blanket to keep it nice and cozy warm in there.  

BRIDGET: We don’t need these sweaters, we’ve all grown several new layers of feathers to keep us warm. 

KITTEN:Yes, I can see you are all looking extra fluffy.  

CLUCKY: Are you calling us fat?  

KITTEN:No of course not.  Our bodies are preparing us for winter.  You all have grown extra feathers and I have grown extra fur.  I even have extra fur on my paws between my toes.  It really keeps my paws warm as I crunch through the ice.  I am surprised at how much I am enjoying the cold too.  

BRIGITA: Who would have thought we would like it? I thought for sure we’d all be huddled up on our coop for months.  

BRIDGET: When do you think the snow (SFX) will come?  

BELLA: I don’t know but maybe it won’t be that bad.  Afterall, we thought the cold would be horrible.  

CLUCKY: I don’t know Bella, I’m still a might bit worried about the snow.  

(Strangled cry from VP) 

(SFX) Rustling through bushes

KITTEN:What is going on?

CLUCKY:What’s all the commotion?

BRIGITA: It sounds like a struggle? 

BELLA: I hope no one is hurt

BRIDGET: It’s coming from over there

FERAL: (Talking with mouth full)  Just stop struggling.  We are almost there! 

VICTORIA:(Bird call/singing scream) I will not stop struggling.  Oh the indignity of this situation.  I demand that you put me down at once.  You have no right to take me anywhere!  Help!  Help!  I’ve been bird napped!  This monster is trying to eat me!  

FERAL: (Mumbling) Stop Struggling. 

CLUCKY: Feral is that you?  What in tarnation are you doing?

BRIGITA: Do you have a bird in your mouth? 

KITTEN: Oh my!  Have you caught a bird?  

FERAL: (Mouth full) Oh mon cher! (Spits out VP)  Oh mon cher,  you are here! I do not have to haul your christmas present all the way to the house! 

KITTEN: My christmas present, what could you possibly mean by that? 

BRIDGET: How dare you treat another bird in such a way!

BELLA: What kind of monster are you? 

FERAL: Mon Amor, I wanted to show you my hunting prowess.  I have captured this most magnificent blue jay for you.   

VICTORIA: BLUE JAY? Blue jay!?  I’m not a simple blue jay! I am Victoria Peckham, a Steller's Jay, thank you very much. I am a world famous songstress and you have made me late for my performance.  I am to be the star performer at the Jingle Jay Holiday Spectacular.  

BRIGITA: Feral how could you?  She is a star!

KITTEN: Really Feral, what were you thinking? 

CLUCKY: Oh Miss Peckham, we are so sorry for this brute’s behavior.  

KITTEN: Please don’t think poorly of us.  We do not condone Feral’s actions. 

BELLA: What’s condone? 

BRIDGET: It means approve of.  And we certainly do not approve of Feral’s barbaric capture of Miss Peckham.  

FERAL: What is all the fuss?  She is just a blue Jay.  

VICTORIA:I am not just a common Blue Jay, I have already told you I am a Steller’s Jay. 

FERAL: I did not realize there was such a difference! All of you look the same to me? Blue and funny little chapeau on top.

VICTORIA: I do not have a chapeau. If anything it looks more like an elegant fascinator.

CLUCKY: Well I find this whole conversation fascinating! What’s a shap-po? Is that anything like a Sharpie or maybe a sharpei? Hey Kitten isn’t that kind of a marker or something? 

KITTEN: Oh Clucky, yes a sharpie is a type of permanent marker, and a shar pei is a breed of dog more commonly known as the wrinkle dogs but I’m not sure what a chapeau is… Feral, that’s French?

VICTORIA: Ah, well I see I find myself in less “cultured” company now. A chapeau is French for hat. I am clearly not wearing a hat. 

KITTEN: Oh, yes I can see that your headpiece looks much more like a fascinator.

CLUCKY: Kitten, would you call this a fascinator or a chapeau on my head?

FERAL: They are neither Clucky. It is a toque. 

CLUCKY: A what now?

FERAL: A toque. A knitted cap. That is what we call them in Canada.

BELLA: Oh I like that word, toque! Toque, toque toque

KITTEN: We would call them a beanie here in the US.

BRIGITA: I agree toque is more fun to say than beanie. 

CLUCKY: So what’s a fascinator then?

VICTORIA: A fascinator is an adornment worn on the head that is usually decorated with flowers, beads and obviously in my case feathers. Do you typically have these exchanges about headwear and vocabulary? I do have somewhere to be. Sir if you wouldn’t mind taking your filthy paw off of me, I can be on my way.

FERAL: But you are a gift to my Kitten!

VICTORIA: Well, obviously I am quite a prize and a gift indeed to the world, but not for solely one kitten’s enjoyment. Tut tut, off with your paw please you brute. I do not want to ask you again.

FERAL: But Kitten, how will you eat this bird if I let it go?

Kitten and the chickens all together in a commotion of : 

KITTEN: EWWW!! NO!! Feral, I don’t eat birds! 

BRIDGET: She doesn’t eat birds Feral. 

BRIGITA: Feral what were you thinking?

VICTORIA: No one is eating me! I’m not food! 

CLUCKY: Kitten, open the door and let me at him! 

FERAL: Oh Kitten, mon cheri, you do not approve of your gift?

KITTEN: No Feral. My best friends are chickens. I don’t eat birds. Let Miss Victoria Peckham go! 

FERAL: (Sigh)  Ah very well then. I will try something else later. 

VICTORIA: (Ruffle feathers, flapping) It’s about time. Just look at me! I’m a bedraggled mess! Just look at what you’ve done to my feathers! It’ll take me days, probably weeks to get them back to my gorgeous self! I’m going to have to have a whole spa weekend to get over this. Unbelievable! Do you know the trauma you’ve caused me? Do you? How can I possibly perform looking like this. Ugh, I’m even wet in places. 

KITTEN: Oh Miss Peckham let me help. I can smooth down these feathers in the back.  

VICTORIA: I’m not sure I want your paws on me.  I have been cat handled enough.

CLUCKY: Now Miss Peckham, Kitten is really gentle.  She is not a beast like Feral.

FERAL: I am standing right here. 

CLUCKY: You can feel free to leave.

BRIGITA: Really Feral, after your actions, I am not sure we can be friends. Such disregard for a member of our feathered community.

FERAL: Mon dieu, I did not realize my actions would be taken in such a way. It was not my intention to offend any of you. I merely wanted to show my affections for my dearest Kitten with a treasured gift. I saw you only as a trophy not a being with feelings.  

VICTORIA: Well I am glad you have seen the error of your ways.  Just wish my plumage did not have to suffer for it.  

CLUCKY: Ruffled feathers or not, I think you look stunning.

VICTORIA: Why thank you.  What was your name?

CLUCKY: I am Sir Cluckington.  But you can call me Clucky.

VICTORIA: I did not realize I was among the nobility.  You may call me Victoria. 

CLUCKY: Shucks, It’s just a title from my owner. Xander.  Nothing that official.  

VICTORIA: Well it seems I misjudged all of you as well.  You are a higher class creatures than I initially thought.  Oh my look at the sun, it is getting low in the sky.  I am due at the Holiday Spectacular at sunset.  I best get on my way. 

KITTEN: It was a pleasure meeting you Victoria, I wish it had been under better circumstances.  

CLUCKY: Feel free to fly by and visit us, We’d love to hear you sing.

BRIGITA: Maybe we can do a duet?  

VICTORIA:(sings) Silent Night….

BRIGITA: Oh wow, that’s certainly not in my range.  

KITTEN:I have not heard anything quite like that before.  

CLUCKY: I’m sure they will be stunned at the spectacular. 

FERAL: What are you all going on about? She is terrible.  

BELLA: Feral!  Given your actions, I don’t think you can comment now.   

BRIDGET: Every creature has its own tradition.  It is not our place to judge their……… artistry.

VICTORIA: You are all so kind, except you,Feral, you ill-mannered ruffian.  But I really must be off.  Pleasure

(chorus of goodbyes) 

KITTEN: I am going to head back up as well. My paws are getting cold.  

FERAL: Shall I escort you back up the mountain?  

KITTEN: Thank you but I’m perfectly capable of getting back on my own.  

FERAL: Of course you are but it would be a chance for us to spend some quality time together. Alone  

(beeping) exclamation, this inconsiderate collar.  What bad timing!

CLUCKY: Looks like you best get back home Feral.  Your person is looking for you.

FERAL: She is not my person.  But alas I must bid you all farewell. 

(Music) 

RUBIX:   Where do you think I could find cinnamon?  

CHIP:  Why?  I told you it was terrible.  I believe most humans keep some in the house.  Isn’t there a place called the kitchen where they do the cooking?  

RUBIX:   Ahh, yes. I believe that is on the main floor in this house.  In our last house, I spent a day in the dishwasher hiding. It was a  horrible machine.  Then I was nearly blinded by a light and recaptured. I’m not sure if I want to go back into such a place again.  

CHIP:  You would never catch me in a kitchen.  You should really stay away from cinnamon. My brother, Chester, ate some cinnamon sprinkled nuts on a dare and nearly died.  He saw visions of flying acorns and complained of tummy troubles for days.  

RUBIX:  Humm, we are very similar, with our paws and pocketed cheeks. I wonder if I would  have such a bad reaction.  

CHIP:  I would not risk it.  

RUBIX:   Are you looking out for my welfare?  That is a great quality in a potential minon…

CHIP: What was that? I did not catch that last part.  

RUBIX: Oh Nothing.  Wow, you have really managed to get quite a lot of cat food in your cheeks.  

CHIP: Yes, I have them almost full.  You won’t see me again till after the winter.  This should be enough to finish our stores for the winter.  

RUBIX:  What will you do for the rest of the winter? 

CHIP: My family and I all curl up in our burrow and mostly sleep.  Occasionally we snack on the food we collected.  

RUBIX: And you can still move around easily with your cheeks so full?  Can you still climb?

CHIP: Of course I can still climb. I have to get back out the window after all.  

RUBIX: Do you think you could climb up here and undo the latch to my door? 

CHIP: Maybe, do you know how the latch works?  

K: Your’re a mean one Feral.  You really do not think! To catch me a bird to eat…

CHIP: What is that?  Is that the cat?

RUBIX: Ugh, it is!  She keeps singing christmas songs and changing the words.  

CHIP: I must go! She may try to eat me!

RUBIX: No, I told you she was harmless. Just jump up here quick and undo this latch

CHIP: I can’t, she is almost here, I must escape!  I’ll come back again in the spring.

RUBIX:  Noooo! 

(SFX: Scrabbling)  (SFX: Hop form Kitten) 

KITTEN:  Rubix, you are still up?  I am surprised.  Normally, I don’t see you at this time of day.  

RUBIX:  Why are you back now?  You usually stay out much longer.

KITTEN: It is so cold, I thought I’d come back up and spend some time with Maddox.  

RUBIX: She is not here. Why don’t you go back out?  

KITTEN:  Are you trying to get rid of me?  

RUBIX:  No, why would you think that?  

KITTEN:  What’s with my food?  Why is it all over the place and where is most of it?  Rubix, are you able to get out?  Did you steal my food?

RUBIX: No of course not, you know I can not get this cage open.

KITTEN: Then what happened here?  Do you have a friend? 

RUBIX: Please, you know I don’t want friends.  

KITTEN: Everyone wants friends Rubix.  

RUBIX:  Not I, I want to rule.  No time for friends.  (Yawn)  I have been up too long, I need my day sleep.

KITTEN: I know you are up to something Rubix.  

RUBIX: Of course I am.  It’s no secret, I am plotting to take over the world.  

KITTEN: Meow, ok.  I hope you have sweet holiday dreams!  

RUBIX: Bah humbug!  

End Credits