Why Trying to Control Everything Is Keeping You Stuck - Episode #102

Hey Peace & Prosperity Family! In this episode, we’re diving into a pattern many high achievers don’t realize is holding them back: control.

What if constantly planning, overthinking, preparing, or trying to hold everything together isn’t actually helping you move forward? For many people, control can become a survival strategy rooted in anxiety, fear, or past experiences. And while it may help you feel safe, it can also quietly keep you stuck.

Tap into this episode as we discuss:

• Why high achievers often struggle with uncertainty
• How control can become a hidden coping strategy
• Signs you may be operating from survival mode
• Practical ways to release what’s outside of your control

If you’ve ever felt exhausted trying to manage everything around you, this episode is for you.

To stay connected with Jason and learn more about therapy, coaching, and speaking opportunities:

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Website – https://www.jasonlphillips.com

Download Jason’s free Confidence Guide:
https://jasonlphillips.kit.com/freeconfidenceguide

Be sure to leave a review and share this episode with someone who may need it. Remember: your peace is your prosperity.

Transcript

Grace And Space To Process

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Can we give ourselves grace? Can we give ourselves space to process? Because sometimes we're focusing too much on somebody else and not enough on ourselves. Welcome to the Peace and Prosperity Podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Jason Phillips, licensed therapist and confidence coach for High Achievers. Here we talk about mental health, burnout, relationships, and building success without losing your peace. Let's get into today's episode.

Why Control Feels So Hard

SPEAKER_00 0:42

Welcome to another episode of the Peace and Prosperity Podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Jason Phillips, licensed therapist, confidence expert. And today we're going to be talking about how do you navigate things that are outside of your control. Now, this is one that gets a lot of us because we like to be in control. I'm sure there are things that have happened in your life, and if you can go back, you would change it because something changed and it wasn't your idea, or you've been navigating a certain situation that if you could, things would have never changed in that manner. So change is something that is inevitable. If you are working on your resiliency, it's hard for you to adapt to change. This is the episode that you want to listen to because we're going to talk about how do you navigate things outside of your control and why is it so challenging to do so. So first, it's important to be able to manage things that you can't control because you cannot control everything. I know we wish we could, but at the end of the day, there are certain things that we just don't have control over. And that's part of living life. I know for myself, I, you know, I'm a routine type of person. I like to eat a lot of the same foods. When I work out, if I don't have a trainer, I'm doing some of the same workouts. I don't typically deviate from what I'm used to. And I think that's most of us. But what are some of the drawbacks to that? Well, when things happen outside outside of our control, we get stressed out, we get upset, we may avoid, we can retreat and isolate, and it just throws us off.

What’s Happening Versus What You Need

SPEAKER_00 2:28

So the first thing that we want to do is ask ourselves this question: what is happening versus what do I need? So when you ask yourself what is happening, you get a clear picture of what is actually stressing you out, what is the situation. And when you can break that down, you can see, oh wow, this is something that I didn't cause, or maybe I need to react to. And then you can move towards what do you need? Because once you know what you need, then you can start to be proactive. When you are just thinking about what is happening, you will often feel like, hey, I can't control that because you're not making it happen. It's happening to you. Versus when you ask yourself, what do I need? Now you have more insight. Oh, you know what? I need to get out and get some fresh air. I need to take a step back. I need to write down my thoughts to get more clarity because I'm not sure of what I need. See, all of these things puts control back in your lap, which is probably what you want. So think about what is happening versus what do

Caring Versus Carrying The Weight

SPEAKER_00 3:39

I need? Ask yourself that right now. The second thing that you want to do is when you feel like things are happening out of your control, ask yourself, what am I caring about? And am or am I being caring? Caring me with one R, clarify, versus what am I carrying? So, meaning, what am I caring too much about, or what am I caring for? Am I caring for myself? Because sometimes we will neglect ourselves and just think about everybody else. But then what am I carrying? So am I carrying weight that I don't need to? Am I carrying stress that is really not mine? Am I carrying things that I should have let go months ago, years ago, decades ago, and neglecting caring for myself? See what happens when we start to only care for others and not care for ourselves, then our stress starts to increase. Our anxieties through the roof. We're not taking care of ourselves. When we only start to, or when we're only carrying the weight of other people, that too starts to impact how we show up. Can we give ourselves grace? Can we give ourselves space to process? Because sometimes we're focusing too much on somebody else and not enough on ourselves.

Support For Burnout And Self-Doubt

SPEAKER_00 5:14

From the outside, you look successful, but privately you're exhausted and still second guessing yourself. I'm Dr. Jason Phillips and I help high achievers break through burnout and self-doubt so you can have more clarity in your life and career. Visit jasonlphillips.com to learn more about coaching and schedule a consultation. Alright, let's get back to the episode.

Productive Worry Versus Rumination

SPEAKER_00 5:47

Next, we want to look at productive versus unproductive worry. What are the things that we're spending our time and energy on that actually are feeding us? They're helping us grow, they're helping us think different, versus that unproductive worry where we are constantly ruminating over something that we can't change. We're worried about something that somebody said to us or something that somebody has done to us, but there's really nothing we can do about it, especially in this moment, versus the productive worry where you're contemplating on your next move. You're trying to figure out your emotions so you can process them and keep moving and living your life in a healthy, productive way. That unproductive worry will cause you to slow down. When I think about times where I may have been stressed out in my job or my career, my unproductive worry was focused on, eh, I can't believe they keep doing this. Or I can't believe this happened again. I can't believe my boss said this, or I can't believe we're getting more work. It was all these things that I could not control, but that was my unproductive worry. And then you get into a space with other people, and y'all have unproductive worry together. So in the moment, it seems like it's collaboration, but in reality, it's drawing you further from connection versus the productive worry. Hey, how can I figure this thing out? Yeah, I don't like my situation today, but I'm not ready to move, or it doesn't make sense to move. So I'm being logical, not just emotional. And when you start to get into that productive worry, you get the outcomes. Oh, you know what? Let me get into problem-solving mode. Let me take a step back and look at this from the big picture. Now you have more control, but also you can take better action on how to navigate this situation.

Boundaries That Protect Your Peace

SPEAKER_00 7:50

Another reason we uh don't like control or how we need to get more control is by getting better with our boundaries. See, we can have what's called healthy boundaries where we self-disclose appropriately, we don't tell everybody everything, or we can have rigid boundaries. We don't tell anybody anything. You keep everything to yourself to the point where people really don't have a sense of your personality. They don't know where you grew up, they don't know if you have a family or not, they don't know what your interests are or values. It's almost like they know you're alive, and that's it. Like that's how rigid your boundaries are. Versus the poorest boundaries, you're a wide open book. You're telling people things that really you really only want to tell close people, if anybody at all. You're you're sharing personal information such as, oh, well, this is what I grew up from, and this is what happened to me from A to Z, but you just met this person a week ago. You're opening up about the most traumatic experiences you've had, but you just met this person five minutes ago, you're on the first date, and you're not already talking about this is what I endured with my last partner or my last spouse. And it's like, wait, hold up, slow down a little bit. That's when your boundaries are too open, or you just don't have any at all, rather.

Action Versus Anxiety

SPEAKER_00 9:20

Lastly, when it comes to control, it freaks us out often because we feel like we we can't manage things. So let's talk about action versus anxiety. When we take action, now we're executing on something that we want to do. When we experience anxiety, there's fear, worry, stress, tension, often about something we perceive that is out of our control. So as opposed to leaning into only the anxiety and just noticing that, pay attention to what you can do, what is still within your control, and what are some of those concrete action steps that you can use to change your situation or to elevate your situation. When you start taking action versus leaning into anxiety, you're gonna feel less stressed, more empowered. That's when your confidence starts to go up because you're not just letting life happen to you. When I think back on experiences, particularly I think about my career. Okay, I want to go into private practice. Ooh, that's gonna cost.

unknown 10:30

Dang.

SPEAKER_00 10:30

I might be I'm nervous about this. How am I gonna get clients and what do I charge? And um, am I gonna be able to sustain a practice? Anxiety is going through the roof. I got all these questions versus action. Well, who do I know? Who do I specialize in help? What are some of my success stories? Oh, I have tons of testimonials. People who have said, hey, I want to refer people to you, word of mouth. I mean, that's when I'm I'm feeling more, I'm feeling better, I'm feeling optimistic, and then my actions reflect movement and not stagnation. See, when you only lean into the anxiety, you get stuck, and you feel helpless, hopeless, and your life is in everybody else's hands. When you look at action, now you control the narrative, the mindset is strong. You can now write your own ticket. You feel like you can empower yourself and make the next move. This is why action is important, but you have to have clarity first. Now, let's wrap up.

Focus On What You Control

SPEAKER_00 11:40

When we look at things that are within our control, somewhat within our control, and things that are not in our control at all, where are you spending the most time? Things that are not in your control. We'll start there. Other people and their actions, other people and their thoughts about you, things that are happening in the world, natural disasters, all of these things we don't have control over. We want to. We want to say, why don't they just listen to me? Can't they just get it right? We can't control other people. We wish we could control other people, but we cannot. Then we have things that are somewhat within our control. How we feel, our emotions. That's something that we can control somewhat. Boundaries for our environment. Again, you have to go to work, just give or take on what that looks like in your control. But then there are things that are directly within your control. Your thoughts, your actions, your behaviors. How are you showing up and leaning into the things that are totally within your control and making sure those things are impactful and fruitful for you? If you're waking up journaling, writing down the things you're grateful for, what you want your day to look to look like, now you're feeling good. When you wake up and you're planning out who you're gonna spend time with and who you won't spend time with, you feel empowered. You feel confident. You know, you kind of you're writing your own ship. You're driving this car. That's where you want to lean into things that are within your control and ask yourself: am I responding to those things or am I focusing too much on what other people think, what other people are doing, and not enough on what I am doing and can do for myself. As always, y'all, be blessed. Peace.

Closing Thoughts And Next Steps

SPEAKER_00 13:42

Thank you for tuning in to the Peace and Prosperity Podcast. If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who could benefit from it and make sure you subscribe so you never miss an episode. And if you're looking for support, coaching, or a speaker for your organization to help you create more peace and prosperity, feel free to reach out. Until next time, protect your peace and keep showing up for yourself. Blessed.