How to deal with Big F*cking Feelings

How to stop Rumination and Worry

March 07, 2022 Michelle Kevill Season 1 Episode 34
How to deal with Big F*cking Feelings
How to stop Rumination and Worry
Show Notes Transcript

Today I am discussing how to stop ruminating and worrying

In this episode I discuss how: 

  • What it is and the psych behind it
  • Why we do it
  • The problem with it
  • How to stop it


Show notes and the transcript can be found here: https://michellekevill.com/worry

[00:00:00] Hello, everyone, I hope you are well, and if not, I got you, at least you are here. Welcome to today's episode I. I've had this one lined up for a while now, and we are talking about basically how to get over rumination and worry. And I want to go a little bit into the psychology and science around it. Why we're doing it. The problem with it. If you're listening to this, you like, yes, but also how we can stop and change it. So look, let's get into it. What the hell am I talking about, what is vari what is rumination? So worry is typically described almost as a feeling, but it's actually a thought that a typically negative in nature, like I am worried, typically has a negative connotation like I am worried about someone's health. It's that fear. It's that unknown. It's all of that. What's interesting is sometimes worry can be kind of described as almost like something immediate, as in, you know, impending doom or danger vs. rumination, which is continuously thinking the same thought. And that could be worry. However, how it's kind of described is rumination is almost like brooding, and it's almost looking to the past. So how I describe it to people is worry and rumination. It can be the same thing, like you could be repeatedly thinking the same worried thought. However, what I tend to see is a worry is like I am fearful of X in the future happening or as rumination is, it can be that like you can keep repeating and thinking the same thought, but it can also be, Oh my god, what the fuck have I done? Why did I do it like that? Why am I so stupid? Like, Oh my god, it can be a little bit more of looking into the past.

 

[00:02:08] It can also be the future, however, as well. And but that's kind of like how I really wanted to split the two out. One is repeated repeated ness and the other is a worry. One is more the future. The other is sometimes looking at the past like it's already happened and you are just reliving it over and over in your head, i.e. ruminating on it. Let me tell you, I'm an expert on worry and rumination. It used to be my favorite thing to do. It's also great in a way if you want to be busy. What I mean by that is if I wanted to distract myself about, you know, maybe not processing any of my emotions or a great way to do that is to worry about extraneous things and ruminate on them instead of processing my emotions. I actually used to use this as a numbing out and buffering tool, and I suspect some other people do this as well. But you might be wondering and sitting here, great. I know what it is, Michelle. Why the hell am I doing it? And it is actually a really smart evolutionary tool.

 

[00:03:20] Maybe not so great now, but think about it if you are triggered. I don't want to use that word exactly, but if you get triggered by something and it starts to have these thoughts, such as, for example, maybe you've run out of food, you have like this fear of, Oh my god. Like, what do we do? I need to take action. That worry that B gets you to do something to survive and get out of that now rumination or continuously thinking the same thoughts and focusing on the problem, especially when you are dwelling on like how I could have done better. Like, OK, rumination actually has like a few different focus areas. One can be the state that you're in, like you're really ruminating on how you feel, but another can be action orientated as in. You keep focusing like you relive that moment almost like, I wish I did this instead, or how could I have avoided this like lost time? Which sounds positive, but how are you talking to yourself when you do that? And sometimes it's also very tusker relevant. What I mean by that is sometimes your brain will focus on events that were very strenuous to the situation in almost in a way so that you have some form of control so that you have some sort of reason as to why something happened. But rumination is great. In a way back when we were living in caves because it got you to problem solve it, got you to relive and think, Well, that event happened where I almost got eaten by a bear.

 

[00:05:06] Like, what could I have? I don't know, done next time. How could I have done it in a slightly different way? The problem is, it's so excessive now, like it's an it's basically another pandemic in our brains where we're just reliving and rethinking things and thinking how we could have done it better. And it's not actually helping us because it's done so much as such a negative habitual pattern that you use less of your prefrontal cortex and you're more coming from this very stressed out space. And the way like think about how you focus on it. Like if you're going to ruminate, can you please ruminate on how beautiful and amazing you are? Who does that like? Who thinks and constantly thinks in the head? Oh my god, I did so great in that presentation today. I'm doing really, really well. Like, This is amazing. Like if you go to ruminate, I'd rather you do that, but no one does that. Everyone focuses on the negative, which is normal. We have a negative bias. It helped us to survive. Problem is, it is so extreme now and that's not helpful. Especially I'm just talking from a corporate example when you're working in, say, for me, a corporate role, focusing so much on the negative, making it mean something about myself reliving an almost retraumatizing myself, I reliving that embarrassing moment where I, you know, did something stupid in a presentation that's not helpful.

 

[00:06:36] It's not helping me at all. It's not problem solving. You think it's problem solving because your brain is doing something and you feel as though you're processing it sometimes like, I would be really thinking and feeling all these emotions, but I wasn't processing the emotions I was jumping into the fire. If you've listened to my first step, well, not the first. Like the third emotions, you are either running away. It's a fire. You're either running away from them or you're pouring gasoline on them. I was just running into the fire and pouring gasoline on myself. I was not observing how I was feeling. I was really. Here's the thing you are you're you're living in a simulation right now. What I mean by that is your essence. Your being is in a human body, which has a brain which has neurons, which, you know, like color is literally wavelengths that our brain glow out, you know, our eyes and our brains interpret like you're living in a computer. So when you ruminate and you refocus your attention on that, it's almost like it's happening again for yourself. And that's just triggering the fear response that's just creating a new neural network. And that's really strengthening that rumination. So what you're what is your brain going to do in circumstances where, I don't know, I'm going to take another corporate example, for example, if I'm given a very big project.

 

[00:08:02] But I know in the past this is how I've ruminated and worried and acted. How am I going to respond internally getting that? Am I going to start like, potentially freaking out? Yeah, I would. I would. That would sometimes happen. Like, I'd really want to do it, but my brain's also like. Hang on a minute, we know what happens, we owe a worry. We ruminate like, let's not do this. And this is why they talk about how brains and yourself are creating this reality, because how are you acting? How are you reacting? What are you doing? How you feeling? What are you doing? What results are you creating from it? And the issue is you almost at the time, you really do believe the thoughts and the worry and the cycle that you're stuck in. You think you are powerless because you really believe these thoughts is true. As in, it's like someone saying the sky is blue. You were thinking, my boss is going to get so mad at me and then you're worried about it and then you ruminate on it. And then you imagine the scenario where the manager is talking to you about that work deadline and you're thinking, how are you going to respond? And it always turns up negatively and try to think positively, but doesn't really work.

 

[00:09:21] And then you start having those thoughts and those feelings, and it's like, you're preparing yourself for something that almost like, we have no idea the outcome. And again, what we tend to be more negative than positive and actually focus on the worst case scenario. A more likely what happens is that worst case scenario doesn't really happen. And here's the interesting thing. Our brains will pick and choose information and like thoughts, etc. that match our already structured belief system and narrative. So even if it did really, really well, you may not remember that. All remember it in that way when I mean is sometimes people outside would be like like I'd be worrying about something and they might say, well, the same thing happened in this situation and you were fine. My brain kind of spots a little bit like, Oh, yeah, I guess so. But then very quickly, it's like my brain is a court case, and I've used this example before. Like one side, that is a negative side. Like you could say, the rumination, the worry, whatever. And it's trying to argue the case that your boss is going to be so mad at you and it's going to be terrible. And we have no idea how we're going to get this deadline done. And it's it's just terrible and hear all the reasons why. And then the other side of your brain, you could say that it's like the prefrontal cortex is like, Well, actually, this time, you know, the same thing happened and the manager was totally fine.

 

[00:10:51] And then very quickly, your brain will dismiss that because it doesn't match the current neural network. The current pattern that it has, the current story it has that has been protecting you. Going to say that, again, the evidence that your brain is potentially picking up or that you're looking at, that is like, you know, more positive doesn't match the story that has been protecting you for so long. The problem is some of these thoughts, this these ways of thinking, this type of rumination, like I encourage everyone, I do this to tell us with all my clients. Take a look at your past, especially your childhood and how you've grown up life coaching. Yes, it's all about the future and how we want to think about things now. But for me? What's really interesting is even in myself and my clients, I'll say people be like, I don't know why I'm still doing this. I don't know why I'm still worried about this. I don't know why I'm still overworking. I can't pick it. We have a little discussion around the beliefs around the thoughts that they had and what they grew up as a child. And every single time we pick it, it's like, Oh, there were really high expectations in my family to always, you know, do the best or meet that need or please everyone.

 

[00:12:27] Is it possible that you're taking that way of thinking that you have been repeating for a very long time decades and applying it into a situation that doesn't work for you now because that would have worked for you then? Potentially. All those thoughts or those steps that you took great problem is you're taking it now into an environment such as a corporate job and that isn't serving you. It isn't working. It's causing more damage than is good. It's not leading you to think effectively. You're not using your prefrontal cortex, you're really running off a stress response and then you're sitting there wondering, why am I thinking like this? Like, you know, objectively, what you're doing isn't working, and it's not to focus on, Oh my god, I had a bad upbringing or stuff like that. The reason knowing that is so powerful is because you can kind of give yourself a little bit of slack. You've been doing this since you were a child. All it is is just a muscle that we want to loosen up and we want to strengthen a new muscle. You just have a very strong court case for the negative right now. Ok. This belief system is really, you know, it's got some deep roots. It's all in there. Now we want to work on a new belief system. We don't work on the belief that you are capable that even if the worst case does happen in your boss gets angry at you, you can handle it.

 

[00:13:57] You're going to be able to handle your thoughts about yourself. You're going to be able to process some of those painful emotions that's going to come up. Because again, sometimes these thoughts that I say within myself, especially in others, is this fear of experiencing a certain scenario. But when you're thinking all these negative thoughts, congratulations, you just experiencing it right now? Like, that's it for you. You've already experiencing it, but your brain thinks it's like an actual threat, like you're going to die. But it's like, No, your boss getting angry at you doesn't mean you're going to die. You're just going to feel really bad. You're just going to think maybe you really mean thoughts about yourself. Well, you're doing it right now. So that's the difference. So how do we stop it? How do we how do we change it? We grow these new muscles, and I know that doesn't sound very fun and it takes fucking time. I know as a person who comes from a massive family of warriors. The first thing is to recognize. Take a look at your past. Like, ask yourself what was my childhood like? What were the expectations? What were the beliefs ET? Because there is a core belief there that is fueling this rumination and worry. It's not because it's actually it's not really the rumination, the worry that you want to stop, you want to tackle the thought underneath that.

 

[00:15:21] And that's what I go in really deep with my clients. All those deep thoughts, all those deep roots that because really the rumination and the worry is just a symptom of the thoughts that you have. And all we want to do is start to uncover that. Some of that is looking at your upbringing in some of your experiences in your life, some of those beliefs that you have. So you've addressed that great. You have those beliefs. Number two, do not go straight away to, Oh my god, why did this happen to me? This is terrible. I'm a failure. I'm shit. I'm broken goods. Okay, I guarantee you that is just a way. And this isn't to dismiss your feelings, OK? Everyone has had a past. Everyone has gone through something like, I get you, I feel you. Those emotions are valid. The problem with thinking, Oh my god, why does this happen? Is It's not helping you, it's just causing you more pain. You're still allowed to process those feelings as part of that and acknowledge what happened to you. But it's looking at how does thinking, Oh my go apply to my parents? Do this to me help you right now. Like, put that into a bloody model. What results are you getting for yourself? You can still acknowledge the pain that you went through and take steps to be like, Right, how do I want to? Like, how do I want to live my life right now? And that's where coaching, really? Comes in and little tip on this.

 

[00:16:52] It really is just a massive distraction. I feel like when you sometimes uncover this, the brain really quickly likes to kind of just be like, no blame someone else but distract your attention, almost. It's like, Oh, let me just let's focus on the fact that this was terrible and it sucked. Let's we do that with other things. Let's let's do that now. That's a great habit and habitual pattern that I would like to bring up right now, instead of potentially letting a similar pattern go and challenging that. I see that as a defense mechanism in myself and clients. When that happens, it's like, Oh. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, what, you're uprooting the tree? Don't do that, please don't say no, it was. It was everything else like, let's focus on that. Like, let's focus on how terrible it was and how much my life sucks and I can't take it back or I can't control it. I can't do anything i.e., do not change this thought pattern. It has kept you safe. That's honestly how I see it. And again, I say this with so much love. It's really not to dismiss anything that you've been through. You can still appreciate all of that pain and work to process that. But again, thinking those thoughts around, Oh my god, I wish this never happened.

 

[00:18:17] How does it make you feel right now? Put that into a model. See your results. I talk about this a lot. Then it's addressing some of those thoughts, and I strongly suggest if you're new, go to my earlier episodes on like the model and thoughts and stuff like that, because that's really going to help you here. But I want to discuss some of the symptoms of those negative thoughts, which is rumination and worry like that's what you're here for. How do we stop that? And the really basic techniques and they're going to feel shit at first, and they suck, but they do get better over time. I cannot get over. So I think you guys know I got like COVID ages ago and I just reverted just, you know, and it's fine. Like, I'm sick, right? I went to like my baseline before coaching. I did not realize how much I used to ruminate. I ruminated every single minute of every single day on something, and it was always something negative. And I cannot get over how much emotion was stemming from that. I'm like, How did I live before? Like, I no wonder I was so anxious and worried about everything all the time. I'm constantly thinking like and like, always the worst case scenario. It was so draining. And here's what I needed again. I need to go back to basics, but what helped me to get out of that is it's just it's simply redirecting your mind.

 

[00:19:46] I don't want you to necessarily put your foot down and stop, and I'll tell you why. It's kind of the why, because I used to do this before coaching. I would just be like, No, we're not going to do this. You kind of shame yourself. It's almost like, you're the way I explain it is when you say stop and you kind of really like, maybe you try to distract yourself or you're really kind of harsh, like, no, I'm not going to do that. It's like your dog is barking and you're just really tugging it on the leash. And the dog's kind of like the the fuck. Like, I don't excuse me, like, what are you doing? And then it, it does it again. This is what I want you to do. So when your dog is barking, I want you to give it a treat and redirect it. Like, like literally you give the dog a trade when it's. I do that with my puppy to just stop it from barking all the time and it slowly learns, OK. Get the treat and it gets better over time when that stimulus appears. We want to do the same with your brain when your brain starts to ruminate or it starts to give you a stack of worries. I always say to my clients, when your brain is giving you like five negative worries, I want you to think of five alternatives or five other worries.

 

[00:20:58] It's going to feel really lame at first because I know if you're like me, I'm not big into like writing, you know, gratitude journals. When I'm talking about more like the stuff on like tick tock, where it's very much like, you know, very aesthetically pleasing and it's like the matcha latte. And it's like, Yes, I'm grateful, like, not like this. It's just getting rumination to work for you. Like, if your brain is thinking, OK, I'm really, really worried that I can't handle my boss getting angry at me like, it's going to be terrible. Kind of think. And. Even if my boss is really, really angry with me, I can choose how I'm going to talk to myself or. And I'm actually really experiencing it right now because I'm thinking all these thoughts and maybe this is a maybe it's an opportunity, a challenging one, but an opportunity for me to articulate my needs, my deadlines like what's going on for me. And again, it's not to put a positive spin. It's to train like literally that act. It sounds so simple as so much value. What you have done is you have slowly built a new neural pathway that your brain is now going to use. Your brain is going. It's it's just just created that little pathway. It's like you got this highway of negative stuff. And we've just rolled out a really nice new road, not even rolled it out.

 

[00:22:25] We're more like drew some lines in the sand like, that's what we've done. Not really a road yet. If you keep doing that, your brain is going to get a little bit better at it. It's going to get better at what I like to call ruminating on the better stuff. Focusing on really good stuff like how amazing could it be if you could just ruminate on how awesome you are? Which I know some people are like, Oh my god, that's so narcissistic, which I'm doing an episode on, actually, by the way. It's not. You are worried about being a narcissist. I guarantee you're not a narcissist ruminating on how great you are coming from a place of love and appreciation for all the stuff you're doing is going to be so much more powerful. You're going to be able to create so many more things, and it's just going to be so much more energetic and beautiful. Instead of focusing on the negative and triggering a stress response, ruminating on the good honey, that's like creating such a such a space of safety in yourself to be able to thrive. Can you imagine being able to talk to a difficult stakeholder but also know and create safety for yourself in a way that, like you know, that everything is going to be OK regardless of what happens? Can you imagine that? Because I I've like I've done that, I can go to someone maybe who's like, you know, a little bit hard to deal with or, you know, their emotions are really high.

 

[00:23:57] And I can feel really neutral about it. And the reason is because of all the coaching I've done, but because I choose to not treat myself like complete shit or make their emotions mean anything about me. I've tackled all those deep roots. I really trust me. I've done some excavation in my mind on that one. I've planted new roots, new, more positive roots for me to kind of ruminate and focus on. You could say. That's not to say, I don't, you know, worry or thinking negative thoughts at all. But my brain is a lot better at redirecting to the positive. I do that all the time in my business, and it's so interesting to see it now because I'll be worrying about maybe where it may be money or like my business growing. Am I doing a good job? And then my brain goes well and actually, yes, because blah blah blah blah, what you're doing is strengthening the positive court case in your mind. You're giving it more resources, you're giving it more access, so when those negative thoughts come through, when the rumination, the worry starts, your brain has more resources to be like and actually he is some positive stuff I'm going to give you now as well. And guess what? If you believe that if you do that more often and believe it, you are really able to self-correct yourself out of something.

 

[00:25:23] The amount of times I've done that in my head, I will just start to. I'll be freaking out about something and then I just coach myself out of it and I'm like, Oh, I get it now. But that's because I've planted those new roots. I've given my brain all these resources and I've strengthened that muscle. So when it does go down that dark path, it's almost like, I'm just redirecting it. I'm taking the car and I'm putting it on the new road. I'm like, We're not going down this one, but we do it in such a polite way when I'm not like pulling on a fucking lead. Like, when I used to do it, I used to be so gentle, be like, Yeah, those thoughts are valid. And I always like to say and not. But in this case, I'd be like, because it's kind of like, it's like, Yeah, I hear you negative courtroom. You are right. And here are some other facts as well. These are really nice. These are things that could happen. And guess what? Half the time. Negative. The most worst case scenario doesn't happen. And then because you've redirected to the positive, it's kind of like you've proved the outcome in a way. It's like, Oh, that's right, that positive thing that I thought happened to happen or that super negative thing, or that was, you know, it could be somewhere in the middle.

 

[00:26:35] Oh, that evidence you're like, you just reinforce the neural network. Like, it's it's amazing, it's like Jedi frickin mind tricks, but yes, it takes work. I'm not going to fuckin sugarcoat it for you. All right. This was challenging for me having a one on one coach. Yes. Super helpful because you have that support system, you have someone who's trained and there to help you. But I've also like, you can do this yourself. You have the tools. You can start to work on this. You can start to do make those little shifts to just help guide yourself to get you to that place. That's just a little bit better. Like all two years ago, all I wanted was to literally stop having, like friggin heart palpitations all the time in the morning because my subconscious was already thinking of like, Let me tell you, if my quote, my god, two years ago, my brain was a court case, let me frickin tell you. So if the left is like the good, you know, good, positive stuff, there's like one two people, right? The right side is just a mountain of all these people. I'm imagining, like, cool case and I'm the judge is like, is one person? It's like, Yeah, these are the reasons why things are going to work out and like, I'm valuable and all this crap. And then the right side has like, I'm talking like a stack of all these super corporate fancy people with like all this evidence, and I'm like, here's evidence and point b from two years ago when you made this mistake in X presentation like just really, really bad.

 

[00:28:11] Now it's the complete opposite. I've way more happy people on. I'm just arbitrary with the left and right here. But like, I have more and more happy people on the left side being like, Yeah, I'm here, I'm ready. Like, Look, look at all this good evidence. So when my brain does bring up the bad evidence, it's almost like 50 50 just equals it out. And I'm more inclined to believe some of that positive evidence really combat stress response down, create that internal safety, go out and do amazing fucking things in the world. Now, if you want to do the same. Come have a consult. Call with me. Let's see where a good fit. Let's see what your goals are, and let's see how I can help you teach you the skills to do that. Now, this episode was a long one, but I really I've been wanting to do this one for a while. Rumination and worry guys there a secondary symptom to some deeper root thoughts. But I hope these tips have been helpful and just going to create those small little shifts and changes so that you can start to just think about yourself more positively and you fucking deserve that. All right. Take care. Bye.