When Grief Led to Addiction and Faith Led Her Home - Jesse

Jesse shares her powerful story of child loss, addiction recovery, faith, forgiveness, and restoration. After losing her son Eric Bradley in the womb, facing serious health struggles, and battling addiction, Jessie found herself at a breaking point. 

Through prayer, surrender, baptism, and her love for her son, she began the journey back to sobriety, motherhood, and self-worth. Her story is a reminder that healing begins in sharing, God still restores, and here, survival becomes strength.

Connect with Jen:

www.thehealinginsharing.com

Follow: 

Instagram: @TheHealingInSharing

YouTube: @TheHealingInSharing11

Email: TheHealingInSharing@gmail.com

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Book: Why I Survived; Where Survival Becomes Strength

The background music is written, performed and produced exclusively by Melissa Turri.
https://melissaturrimusic.com/

Transcript

Jessie’s Loss And Turning Point

SPEAKER_03 0:00

Today's guest is Jessie, and her story begins with one of the deepest losses a mother can face. The loss of a child. Becoming a younger mother and welcoming her first son was a joyous beginning. But later, she endured the heartbreaking loss of her second son, Eric Bradley, who passed away in the wound at seven months. That loss also led to the discovery of an undiagnosed illness affecting her health. As grief and pain deepened, Jessie found herself battling addiction, watching her life unravel, and at times even losing custody of her son. But her love for her son became part of the urgency that pushed her towards sobriety. Through prayer, surrender, church, and baptism, she began to find her way back. Now, more than four and a half years sober, Jessie is devoted and present in her son's life, embracing the joys of motherhood and encouraging other women in recovery. Her story is a powerful reminder that God still restores. Jessie, thank you for being my guest today, and welcome to the Healing and Sharing podcast.

SPEAKER_01 1:29

Yes, thank you. That was a beautiful introduction. It gives me chills.

SPEAKER_03 1:35

Thank you. You're welcome. And many people find that when they hear their story actually read out loud by someone else, it kind of hits you a little bit differently. And you know, the loss of a child is something that I uh I I have not um had to work through. So when you heard me begin your introduction and talking about that, what were you feeling?

SPEAKER_01 2:02

Uh when I hear people talk about the the loss, it's honestly probably the first time I've heard it said back to me ever. So hearing it, and anytime I've had to, or anytime I get to talk about it, because I don't really like to say that you ever have to do anything in the world of recovery, you get to do everything now. So um when I get to talk about it, my thought immediately goes to, and this is only because and truly because of the work I've done with myself spiritually, I think about him holding the hand of Jesus, you know, and I may not have gotten to spend time with him on earth, but I'll have eternity with him in heaven because I have chosen to give my life to God and um to go through that process of um being baptized and what that means and truly what that means. And um, for someone like me, because I can only speak for myself, to have some the feeling of somebody forgiving you, and not just anybody, but like the real soul of forgiveness and where that lives, it's unlike any other feeling in this world. And I give myself, and I used to give myself a lot of grief over um the way I was handling my life back then and um the things I took for granted, and it floods all these negative feelings can so easily flood in, and it takes the work of God to consistently show me that I have grace and I have his mercy, even with the loss of a child.

SPEAKER_03 3:51

And today you say that with such power and conviction, it was not always that way for you. You did not always have this strong belief in your heart, and so many women, so many, so many parents, men as well, they they hear you and they're like, I don't, I don't understand that. I I don't know where she's at, I don't know how that's possible, but you are proof it is possible. Take us into your journey because somebody is like, I don't even know where to begin.

DCF Steps In And Reality Hits

SPEAKER_03 4:22

Like, what is the first step?

SPEAKER_01 4:24

Yeah, thank you. My journey started when DCF got involved in my life. Drugs were rampant. My son was he didn't know what it was like to have a sober mom. Not for a day. I woke up using, I went to bed using if I slept at all. Um, my son got used to the routine of me being up so many nights that it would freak him out if he woke up before me. I didn't pay attention to the lifestyle I was living. My only concern was how I was gonna get high that day.

SPEAKER_03 5:09

So you chose you chose to numb the the pain and the grief. And can I ask how early on did you decide that was going to be your healthy way in your mind of coping?

SPEAKER_01 5:23

Yeah, I was young. I didn't start truly using drugs to or recognize that that was what I was doing because at some point in any addict's life, they understand what they're doing, whether you want to face it or not. And that wasn't something I learned until a couple years into recovery when I was looking back and I was like, I made a choice every single day to do every single thing that I did. Um, but while you're using, you don't think about it that way. And for me, I started heavily using drugs when I was about 14, 15 years old, um, was when I was introduced to cocaine and um drinking became a nightly weekend, anytime I can. Uh, started choosing friends based on who wasn't in their house, if you know what I mean, no parents around, things like that, making sure that the choices I was making was going to be able to come through fruition without getting in trouble. Right. And so then the mindset of how can I get away with something started very, very young for me. And that mindset of what can I get away with is a dangerous place for anybody to be in, especially to grow up with that mindset. And this was not due to poor parenting or anything. I grew up in such a beautiful cookie cutter house, like gorgeous with sisters and and you know, playing Barbies until I was 10 years old. And when I think back on it, I'm like, how? Like, how, you know, and my sisters, they would make jokes as teenagers, like, oh, we don't have to do drugs because Jesse's doing enough for all of us, you know, like and everybody knew what was going on, my sisters and everything. I was really good at hiding it from my parents because I wasn't ever really around. Um, and I never gave them a reason to question anything I was doing because I learned how to manipulate the situations I was in.

Prescriptions And A Long Slide

SPEAKER_01 7:22

So 14 was introduced to hardcore drugs, and I did graduate high school. I um started college, I met a guy, dropped out, moved across the country, ended up in Indiana. And when I was there is um is when I had my first son. After his surgery, because I had a C-section, after the surgery, I was introduced to prescription medications. And that right there ticket. You mean I can get this legally with my name on it? So I started finding reasons to find pain in my body, right? The C-section. The C-section was a very difficult surgery. There was a lot of complications around it. However, it sparked something in me that um, because I had a kid, I had to do things the right way. It changed something in that aspect of it until it didn't work that way anymore. So going through over the next couple of years after my son was born, prescription drugs whenever I could. Um, I did have migraines, so I would, you know, I played into it. Oh, they're so bad. They're killing me. How can I take care of my kid like this? So then they gave me um furicet with codeine to take for my migraines. Uh, so then I was taking that with the painkillers and and everything, and it was getting, it was getting rough. And then I got pregnant with Eric. And the pregnancy was incredibly complicated. I was told I had to be, you know, bedridden. It was uh, I forget the term for it, but the placenta wasn't fully attached to the lining of my uterine wall. And we found out later that that was because of um an autoimmune disease that I have called endometriosis, um, which causes immense scarring over the female organs usually, but there are cases where it will run rampant through the body, and we didn't know, but that was the case for me. When I lost Eric, and we started to go into discovery on why and how it happened, and two exploratory surgeries later, uh, we found out that I had stage four endometriosis. I had um cyst tumors and lesions that were covering the inside of my body. There was a tumor that had fused together part of uh the liver and the organs that touch it. And so they had to go in and they cordurized and took out parts of my inner lining of my lap band muscle to my liver to cut up completely. Um, I'm grateful for that surgery. I remember them telling me um the recovery for it was going to be worse than the C-section. They uh gave me fentanyl patches to leave the hospital. I had um percocets and all these things. And at that point, I was so grief-stricken. I felt worthless. It sounds crazy, but it's the God's honest truth, and he's putting it on my tongue to say it out loud because I know I'm not the only one. But I didn't even want to be a mother to the son that I had, to Alex. I lost every single zest I had for life going through that. On top of that, my marriage was falling apart. I didn't know how to be a normal human being anymore. And I can remember my ex-husband telling me, um, specifically when I would be on something, that it was the first time he would see me calm, right? And so hearing that did something somewhere in my brain that told me this is what's gonna fix me again. I used three different doctors to get all different types of medication. If one didn't give me something, I would go to one for another. Um, over the course of three more years, I had seen four different surgeries. At the very end of it, I ended up on a chemotherapy cocktail because of a certain tumor that they had uh taken out. But I ended up on a luprinide depot uh cocktail treatment. I had to go in for infusions, and uh there were some pretty heavy, nasty side effects. They lasted a couple weeks after um the shot. My hair stopped growing, wasn't falling out, but it stopped growing, and my hair was really short at the time. Just to paint the picture of the scene, I was um I was on the floor in the bathroom. My son is full diaper crying in the bedroom. My friend comes over who was a huge blessing to me, still talk, she's a beautiful person. Um, but she came over and she would help with my son. So the person uh that came with her ended up having a hard drug substance on them. And and I tried it from somebody who was just on the floor, nearly feeling like they were dying, to up. I took one hit and I felt like superwoman. I thought I could conquer the entire world. I was up, I showered, I ate, I was laughing, and then I didn't pick it up again. My husband and I um we we decided to get a divorce. Things were really bad. So I moved down to Florida. When I moved down here, I thought I was going to be the mom I've always wanted to be. Get me out of all that situation, no more surgeries, just eat right, live right, live clean, everything's gonna be great. And it was for about a month until um I started dating. I very quickly and easily got right back into the people who were using and partying, living in my comfort zone. Because that was my comfort zone then. I didn't know how to feel things and

Meth In The House And Normalized Chaos

SPEAKER_01 13:40

not get high over it. So from there, that was about four year um internal battle and struggle every single day using uh methamphetamine was my drug of choice. Um, I was a heavy, heavy user for years. I made it normal in my house. My son didn't think anything of it because that was just mom. He didn't question anything because I normalized it. And that sounds terrible because it is terrible. I was not a good mom, but I can say that today because I'm a great mom. Oh, I could cry. Because I know I'm a great mom today. But back then I wasn't, and that's why DCF got involved. And DCF saved my life completely. A lot of people have a really terrible uh connotation of DCF, and I'm not saying that there aren't um bad um workers and caseworkers. There are good people and there are bad people. God blessed me with an amazing caseworker. And um she uh she gave me one opportunity to make sure that my son wasn't going to um the state. And my parents uh were my one phone call that day. It was about nine o'clock at night. I had cops at my house, which brought DCF at my house, and uh they told me to pee in a cup, and I knew I wasn't gonna pass. So I did, and it was almost like in that moment I knew my time was up. There was one thing I always said was never gonna happen to me. I said that no matter what, you know what, end up in jail, end up in institutions, end up anywhere, I'm never gonna lose my kid. I lost one, I'm never gonna lose him. And I would manipulate every single part of my day and situation to make sure that whatever I was doing seemed normal, so that nothing was in question. I worked so hard on that, you know, and until it doesn't because that's that's not that's not God living, that's not living life, that's not being alive. Right.

SPEAKER_03 16:00

I was gonna ask, what does it look like to normalize that behavior and the methamphetamine in the house with your with your son?

SPEAKER_01 16:09

Not hiding it. Because when you hide things from kids, they question everything. And I knew that. So just like there is the snack drawer in the kitchen, there was mom's drawer in the living room. You can't touch the snack drawer unless I say so, and you better never touch mom's drawer. I I kept my daily activities. I didn't hide anything. I justified it to myself that this was to save me because he's not gonna, you know, be talking to his friends or someone at school saying, Oh, mom is mom hides in the bathroom every single day. I don't know what she brings in there, or um, I can't do this until mom goes and you know in a room for 10 minutes. I just I there was like so many things that I would play through these terrible, crazy scenarios to to try and normalize it um in any way that I could.

SPEAKER_03 17:10

And I have to imagine there was a part of you that was afraid he would find it and maybe use it.

SPEAKER_01 17:16

Yeah, absolutely. I've said it a lot in the years. God kept my son safe and alive when when I couldn't or didn't. I would be a fool to tell anybody that there wasn't a time that my son couldn't get hurt. He could have got hurt every single day. I could have very easily, very easily lost him too by my own hand from the drugs that I would keep in the house. When I was using, I didn't think about it that way because I would call it medicine to him. He was so used to me taking medicine. That's the part that was the little piece of the story there that that's the missing piece that locks it all in. I called it medicine. It was something that um that he knew I needed to do to feel good because mom didn't want to end up in the hospital again. He was very used to me going to the hospital and very used to um me being sick. Um, so when I didn't have something, um, if I was out or if um if I didn't have what I needed in the house, it was mom doesn't have her medicine. Mom's got to get her medicine before we do anything because mom's not gonna be good unless I have my medicine. Um, so it was, you know, mom's drawer was the medicine drawer. Don't touch the medicine drawer because medicine's not for children.

SPEAKER_03 18:46

Well, yeah, you did find a way to to not hide it, which most people would do. Yeah, it was bringing tears to my eyes too, because so many times we do talk about as adults, you know, God is what got me through this. But God is what got your child through that. Right. Way more than me. And you also had parents though that were that would support you. In other words, your son would go live with them when there were times that you know you were struggling. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 19:19

My parents knew that there wasn't really anything that they can do to stop me from what I was doing. That's been very apparent in our lives ever since I was little. I definitely marched to the beat of my own drum. So whenever things were really hard or um I was struggling, or even if I just wanted a weekend bender, um, I would drop him off at my parents' house. So he was very used to going over there. It was a very stable place for him. It's always been that way for him, and I'm blessed for it. To talk real quick on how much God kept my son safe. Um, and a big part of the reason I am so incredibly devout to the Lord is how strongly I used to declare that I was dancing with the devil and how good I was at it. I used those words many, many, many, many times. To the point where I almost even considered getting a tattoo of the words dancing with the devil on me, which thank God, God bless it, thank God I didn't. Nope, that's not what's here.

Mirrors Affirmations And Self Love

SPEAKER_01 20:31

But I was a firm believer in God and the devil just as I am now. However, I didn't think that I fit in with God. I knew I fit in with the devil, and I was very comfortable dancing with him, which is a very scary, scary place spiritually. It's not something that we're gonna see in this realm, and I know that now. But to proclaim those things, um, even a little, um, is a very scary place. After I got clean is when um I started to realize the repercussions of the words that I used to speak in the spiritual realm.

SPEAKER_03 21:17

And during that time when you looked in the mirror, who did you see?

SPEAKER_01 21:22

Oh, yeah, a mirror. Back then, I hated, I hated mirrors. I hated them. I'd only look in a mirror if I really had to once I was getting dressed to make sure that you know everything looked the way it did up here. And um, I didn't even use a mirror to style my hair. I just straightened it. Mirrors were were a big part of my life. And it's something so uh that a lot of people that, you know, you don't think about a mirror the way I guess I think about it. Um, but now, so there was a point in um I had about Three years clean is when this really hit. Um, maybe two and a half. There was a woman in one of my um Narcotics Anonymous meetings that she was so adamantly talking about affirmations, affirmations, affirmations, you know, it's like it's um how amazing they are for her, and how um it's helped her through all these things. And the thought of looking at myself in a mirror and saying anything nice felt disgusting. Like it felt disgusting, and that's like I I couldn't even fathom it, but I tried it the first time. Oh, I could cry the first time I looked in the mirror clean and saw myself for like and really, and so there's a point where like you look in the mirror every day, you know, whether you're in the restroom, whatever it is, and um, but when you when when I took three minutes of just eye contact to myself, because that's where it starts, right? So to start affirmations, just give yourself 60 seconds of of eye contact to yourself in the mirror. I I didn't make it the full 60 seconds the first time. I didn't say anything to myself the first time, but I stared and I looked at myself, and I will never forget the feeling of looking at myself clean. It was it was like I'd never seen myself before in the most beautiful way possible. Um but I didn't make it the full minute, but I I that's when I started it, and then the next day I did the same thing in the morning before anybody was up in the house, bedhead and all. I because if if you can't love yourself when you look a mess, then you know, that's where you need to start. So I woke up and I would go in them in the bathroom and I'd shut the door and and I I made it the full minute. And at the end of the minute, oh man, this really gets me. At the end of the minute, I said, I love you. And I cried so hard, like so hard. And that was all. That was it for the first one. And in this time of it, also, um, I I started dating a man. He was a really big part in um showing me that I'm easy to love. I didn't think I was easy to love at that point. Um, I was just learning how to love myself. I was um daily dedicated to learning how to cherish every moment, every smile, every laugh, every cry, learning how to cherish the little things. Um, in recovery was a really, really big for me also. So when I started dating him, he made it very easy for me to um to laugh and you know, to find joy and all these things. And and we started um doing family things together. You know, Alex had um a guy to look up to, and not just any guy, but a guy who's clean and and loving life the same way I am. And and we started going to restaurants, and I mean my son was 10, he's 12 now. So he was nine, nine or ten years old the first time he ever went to a restaurant, right? Like a real restaurant, and um, we had so much fun, you know, and uh just doing real things, you know. We had never done real things before, and um and our relationship blossomed, and and um he was living with me at the time when I started to do this affirmation thing in the mirror. So um I came out of the bathroom and I'm standing there just ugly crying, and he's like, What's wrong? And I was like, I just told myself I love you, and he like just held me, and um AJ comes out of his room, and and he like a family hug moment in in the stairwell of my house over the fact that I just said I love you to myself for the first time in the mirror. And God at that very moment, oh I've never even said this out loud to anyone. God, in that very moment, like I I heard it in in it's one of those things where like it's your voice, but it's not your voice, kind of moments in my head. And it was the first time I ever learned also how to listen to that uh subconscious voice, um, and understanding that the difference between a God thought and your thought, right? Those those things, um, learning how to do those things. I was also going through all that at that point, learning how to be a Christian. And um, so I'm standing there, we're all standing there, I'm crying. I heard this is forgiveness in my head. Like, and so then there I'm just like crying, and I'm like, we're going to church tomorrow, you know, and like just uh a beautiful, beautiful moment. And from there, learning how to look at myself and really love who I am. And now today, um, I don't still do the affirmations every single morning, but you will catch me in the bathroom giving myself peps, like little pep talks, you know, or prayer. Um, you know, God says when two or more people come together in prayer, it's stronger. Like I pray with myself in the mirror. I'm like, how's this? Like, I'm I'm like with me, with me. Like, let's go.

Building A Career In Recovery

SPEAKER_01 27:55

So um love it. I found a lot of worth in myself um learning how to be a career woman in recovery. That's been huge. I didn't have career jobs, you know. I was a cashier or um, not that those aren't careers, you know, God bless it for everybody and what they do and making a living, but for me, um I uh I never felt like that was where I was supposed to be. And when I got clean, I was struggling to find work. And um, because of everything that I was going through um in the system, very, very difficult for me to find a job. I met a woman in Narcotics Anonymous who asked me if I would be willing to just be a temp laborer for her on one of her job sites, didn't really know what she did or anything. And um, I I said yes because I was desperate to be anything. At that point, I was a fry cook at a gas station. I was thrilled to have a job, but I didn't want to be a fry cook forever. You know, that wasn't that wasn't my goal. Right. I took a few days off of work there to help her out, and it was a biohazard hoarding cleanup. And um, I was in a full Tyvek suit, full face respirator, working alongside who I thought were other temp labors. You know, so we're cracking jokes and and you know, trying to get our minds out of all the disgusting mess that's happening. And I didn't know that I was working right alongside the owner of the company. I remember at one point at the job, he asked me, like, oh, can you see yourself doing this every day? And um, you know, my remarks were like, Oh, yeah, if they pay me well enough, and like all these, like, you know, just just snarky things that because I I have a personality, you know. And um, and then I remember the very last day of the job site, he asked me if I could come in for an interview. And I remember saying to him, like, um, something along the lines of like, do you even have that kind of power in the company? Like, who are you? You know, and he was like, I own it. And I was like, Oh, oh my gosh. Like, like this is I'm still learning how to like talk like a person, like I guess. Um so um he brought me in for an interview, and the woman from NA, um, she ended up being my sponsor, and she told me to be honest in this interview. Tell him exactly where I am in life, tell him uh why I am where I am in life, um, the reason for my lapse of job history, and um be honest about narcotics anonymous. And that I was shaking. I wasn't nervous for the interview before that. And once she told me to do all that, I was shaking. My parents came with me to the interview, not like inside, but they were like in the car. I was so nervous. I didn't think I was really gonna get it. I thought once I told this guy my story, he's gonna look at me the same way every single other person did and um write me off, you know, not give me a chance. But that's not what happened. I told him that I was working with DCF. I told him I'm working to get my son back. I told him I'm living with my son, but I don't have a car or a license right now. I told him that I would be dedicated to this job and that um my dedication will shine in all the work that I do from here on out because I'm learning how to cherish everything. And he hired me. And within the first three months, I got my first certification, biohazard. So that was first. My first week at work, he has me sitting in a biohazard certification class, learning how to scrape, and I don't mean to be graphic, brain matter off of popcorn ceiling. You know what I mean? Like learning how to like all these things, but I was so grateful for having this career, something that I when I just starting to pray, was like praying for a job that will succeed for my son. Um, because I learned how to pray for others and their blessings. So I was praying for my son, for me to have a career that will bless my son's path. And then this falls. So biohazard water certification two months later or three months later, and then mold certification, and then fire certain before I knew it. I had all the certifications. I was a lead technician, um, getting promoted to project management. Um, they helped me get my license back. They had me drive in a company truck within two years. Would not, would not recognize the person who just got clean walking through the door. I wouldn't recognize her. I'm so incredibly grateful for this career that I have. I don't take any single second of it for granted.

SPEAKER_03 33:37

That's amazing. That's all part of your journey, you know, all part of the steps that were meant to happen. And now, when you look in the mirror, who do you see?

SPEAKER_02 33:50

Now when I look in the mirror, oh Jen, you're gonna make me cry. Um you'll probably make me cry too. Now, when I look in the mirror, I see a God's child.

SPEAKER_00 34:12

I see someone who is able to walk through the gates of hell and come out on the other side, holding the hand of Jesus and her son.

SPEAKER_01 34:24

I see a great mom. I see a soccer mom, which is just in and of itself amazing. Um, I see a career woman. Um, I see someone who's willing to make a difference instead of be the problem.

SPEAKER_03 34:47

And for somebody who is lost right now, what words of comfort, encouragement, um would you give them?

SPEAKER_01 35:02

My favorite Christian song. Because um, for me, I had a couple years clean when this song came out, but it um it grabbed me. And the line from it is when you're low enough, the only thing you can do is look up. And for me, that meant everything because the mountain I had to climb to clean the wreckage of my past was immense and vast, and it seemed impossible. It starts with being willing to look up and ask for help and recognize that your past is forgiven as long as you ask for it.

SPEAKER_03 36:00

Gosh, forgiveness is such a hard, it's it's a hard journey in itself because it it has layers. Yeah, it has layers, right? Yeah. Yeah. When is the first time you felt God embrace you?

God’s Touch And The Road To Baptism

SPEAKER_01 36:18

During the time that I was using, um, there were a couple moments where I ended up behind bars for silly things, trespass or silly things. Um the last time that I was in, the last time I will ever be in, but the last time I had this woman come up to me with a Bible in her hand, didn't know her, didn't she I didn't talk to anybody. I was there for two days, you know, and um she she put her hand on me and she just started praying and um speaking to me as if she knew me. Um and I'd never met this woman before in my life. And um, she asked me to just sit with her for a moment, and um, she put her hands over my shoulders and she started speaking in tongues. And my father speaks in tongues, and it's something he used to speak to me with when we were little, um, or when I was little, like really, really little. He actually used to sing us lullabies in tongues, and um, I, you know, you can't understand what it says, but it was beautiful, and um, it was the first time I had heard tongues in a very, very long time, probably 20 years. I felt something come over me as she was speaking in tongues, as if it was just out the words, like the words of my father. It was there was something in there, and I knew that it was God, and I felt God over me. Now, too, that when I got out, I didn't get clean right away. That's not when all that happened, but God touched me there, and I've always I held on to that, even through my using over the next um about six months after that. Before I got clean, I it was something I held on to. I I would be able to like hear her her voice in my head. I will I held on to that moment and looking back on it now, I know that was God's touch, right? The first touch. And then when I got clean, I was in a really, really, really, really dark place mentally, physically, emotionally. Because Alex was taken from me. I was a day-to-day battle of just finding the will to be alive. And I found that every day, through God alone, he was the only thing that kept me alive. Um, I would come up with a thousand ways to die every day. And you were baptized.

SPEAKER_03 39:17

Yes. Take us into that.

SPEAKER_00 39:20

I love that story.

SPEAKER_01 39:24

Oh man. Oh, that was that was so beautiful. So I was, I've been going to church every Sunday and you know, started um reading the Bible a little bit. I got the Bible app. I have, you know, the notifications and things. So I was, I was, I was inversing myself in um in Christian living. There were three dreams that I had leading up to the baptism. The first dream, and truly, and this is where I came down with the incredible understanding that the spiritual world is so alive. Because even reading the Bible and doing these things every day, like without having a real understanding that there is a legitimate battle for your soul to end up dancing with the devil for eternity, it doesn't really land the same way. So I had this dream. I really would honestly rather call it a memory because I know it happened in some spiritual realm of it. Um, it's way too clear of a memory to be a dream. The devil came to see me in my dream. He didn't only come to see me, but he literally told me he was there to check on me. And I kissed him in my dream. And um, my son started crying and asking me what I was doing, why am I doing this? What are you doing? It wasn't until my son told the devil to leave in my dream that I woke up. I woke up in sleep paralysis, though, for the first time ever. And my lips were stuck, and I was terrified. I knew that I was truly just visited by the devil. And I called my father, who's always been a very big spiritual guide for me. I call him. He's I have him on speaker, he's, you know, praying over me in tongues over the phone. Um, he gave me holy water. And I, you know, I'm going around the house, I'm blessing my house, and and I felt okay. Um, I even called one of my pastors uh from the church that I go to. I was like talking to him about it, and uh, they praying with me and everything, and um, but nobody brought up the baptism thing yet, right? And so then a week or two goes by, and I have another dream. And in this dream, I'm with these people setting my house on fire with my son inside of my house, and I can hear him screaming. And out loud in my dream, I proclaimed that I was going to hell, and I started laughing about it in my dream. I woke up and again, I woke up in sleep paralysis, freaked out, called my parents and screaming to them on the phone. I don't know what's going on. This is like something feels really wrong in my soul. And my dad brought up the baptism. Um, what about getting baptized? I was like, yeah, maybe. Like, I maybe, I don't know. What is that gonna do? So I said, okay, but like we didn't have anything set in stone yet. And then I have another dream. And in this dream, I truly know that this would have been my place in hell. God gave me an opportunity to see where I was going. It's terrifying. Um it's disgusting, it's it's in all words, uh, very real and um and terrifying. I was uh I would have been in a house that was, and the colors that are in hell don't exist in this world, but the colors are scary. Everything about it was terrifying. I was brought into a room and the bed was slime in some kind of way, and um, I was chained to this bed and told that I had to perform, perform sexual acts on this person that was in the bed. And um, and then uh I remember screaming out loud something, but the word God was in whatever I screamed, and I woke up as soon as I woke up. Up from that dream, I was getting baptized. There was, there was no other, no other answer for it. And so my father has friends that uh that own a church up in Titusville. And I needed this to happen right away, right? So I call my church and I'm I'm in almost hysterics, but I'm talking to them about I, you know, I need this baptism done. And they were telling me, you know, um, they do baptisms every Sunday, uh, every first Sunday of the month. And so the next one wasn't until like three weeks, and I was like, I can't wait three weeks. Like, I love you guys and I'm gonna keep coming here, but I can't wait three weeks. Um, so my father got me in touch with the pastor up in Titusville, and then and I'm on the ride home from work and um crying to this woman I've never spoken to before in my life and telling her pretty much my entire life story along with the dreams that I've been having. And she said, um, she said they'll set it up for my baptism tomorrow night. So my boyfriend and my son are with me, and uh we drive up to Titusville and we get there. My son is very active in my life. He he doesn't know about the dreams, but he knew I was going through something. Like I I told him that um, you know, we would have real conversations. The devil is real, but God is bigger, you know, and and that we're God's children. And I explained to him what the baptism was. You know, we were both reading the Bible at that point, so we went back and we read John again, and um, so that he had an understanding of what I was doing. And so we get there, and my boyfriend's already been baptized, right? So he like he knows this whole process. I don't know anything that's about to happen, or like really no, you know, I've watched videos and stuff, but you know, it's so different when it's a personal experience. So they pray over me and we go into where the baptism tub was, and this is a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful church, and they bring me into the water and perform the baptism and that breath coming up. I went into that baptism with so much force understanding that the devil can no longer touch me. The no the devil is not allowed to visit me, he's not allowed to touch me, and he has no authority in my life. I went in with so much faith of that by no stretch of the truth. To this day, I have not had a single bad dream or nightmare, like not a single one. This is hallelujah. Um amazing, even greater after I get baptized, and uh, we declared me a child of God. My son is watching this all go down, and um he started crying. And the pastor and I look over at him and we were like, All right, you know, this is good. Like, you know, we're all we're crying because we're happy.

SPEAKER_00 47:04

And um, and he in his tears, he said, I'm crying because I'm happy too. I want to get baptized. And so my son got baptized with me. And um, which is so fitting for our journey, you know, because he really did hold my hand as we were walking through the gates of hell together to get into the you know, kingdom of heaven, and now we literally did it all together, you know, which is amazing. Yeah, it's really amazing.

SPEAKER_03 47:33

It is, it almost leaves me uh speechless. It's like speechless because I don't know, it leaves room for so many other people to experience this journey. Your story is one of hope, redemption, forgiveness, belief, faith. It is absolutely amazing. Thank you. Thank you for sharing. You know, I'd like to end our conversation asking you what is the most recent affirmation you have told yourself when you look in the mirror?

SPEAKER_01 48:10

Oh,

Staying Grounded And Final Encouragement

SPEAKER_01 48:11

that's good. Lately, um when I look in the mirror, I always give myself the 60 seconds, but today I've been and lately I've been telling myself I am a child of God and I am walking the path that God has given me. To me, that affirmation lands with foundation and stability. Um, there is a lot going on right now um in work. I uh I love my career completely, um, but it's big. I'm doing big things, I'm trying to make big things happen. And so to keep myself grounded has been really important. And then also what's happening, you know, with my family and my father just now going on hospice and um my son uh blossoming into who he is. I want to stay so stable and steady on this path that my affirmation is just affirming through God and what he sees in me. I love myself, I I love the person I am today. And it took a really, really long time to get here.

SPEAKER_03 49:32

Jesse, thank you so much for sharing your journey with us today, and thank you for being my guest on the Healing and Sharing podcast.

SPEAKER_01 49:41

Absolutely. Thank you so much. I'm honored to be on here and honored to be with you. And um thank you so much for giving me an opportunity to share my testimony and my story. I think that the more women get to share openly and talk about life in such an unfiltered fashion, um, the closer we get to be, not just as a community, but closer to God.

SPEAKER_03 50:08

Absolutely. And for those listening, thank you for joining us on this journey to learn anything and everything. Um, visit the website thehealinginsharing.com. And remember, you are stronger than you think. Until next time.