The Five Love Languages and How to Apply Them to your Relationship with Teenagers, featuring Special Guest Dr. Gary Chapman

The question is not: Do you love your child or teenager?

The question is: Do they FEEL loved?

In this episode, Janelle interviews New York Times bestselling author and creator of The 5 Love Languages, Dr. Gary Chapman, about his newly released book “Things I Wish I’d Known Before My Child Became a Teenager” This year celebrates 30 years since the Five Love Languages was released. To date it has sold more than 20 million copies! 

We have a giveaway opportunity for this episode as well! Leave Love Plus Money a review on Apple Podcasts. Screen shot it to us at @DevlinWorldWide on IG by November 25th to receive a free copy of one the following books by Dr. Chapman.

1.The 5 Love Languages

2. Screen Time

3. Screen Time for Grandparents

4. Things I WIsh I’d Known Before My Child Became a Teenager

Dr. Chapman speaks with deep insight into this topic so we can have awareness on the best way to communicate with our kids at ANY age. Whether you are a parent of young children, or you are navigating the teenage years- you are going to love this power-packed episode. Buckle Up!

In this episode we explore:

- What exactly are the 5 Love Languages?

- Why it is important to know our child’s primary love language and how young can we determine how they are wired for love

- How to change up the communication during the bridge years of teen-dom!

- Janelle asks - “Did I Love Language FAIL?!”

- How to bring it into your family so everyone feels loved and heard. 

- What to do if you feel like maybe it’s “too late” for you and your teen/young adult.

- The POSITIVE side of technology and kids/teens we reference the book “Screen Kids” Dr. Chapman co-wrote with Arlene Pellicane. (Straight FIRE!)

Transcript

Janelle Devlin (00:00):

Hey, everybody. In a world that says you have to choose between being successful or having successfulrelationships, we are that space in between your awesome family life and your awesome work life. Sowelcome to Devlin Worldwide with our podcast, Love Plus Money. Let's get going.

Janelle Devlin (00:23):

Welcome everybody, to the Love Plus Money podcast. I'm Janelle Devlin, and here we talk about doingsuccess well. We talk about how, at the end of our days, we have this one life to live. So much of our lifecomes down to our careers, what we choose to do to earn money. And the other main part, pillar, is ourlove, it's our relationships. We don't have to sacrifice the most fulfilling relationships in pursuit ofbusiness success. And if you're in business, if you deal with people, if you love people, you know thateverything truly rides on communication. So if we haven't met yet, my husband, Andrew and I are ownersat Devlin Worldwide, where we do strategic business coaching and focus on holistic solutions tooptimizing that gut-brain connection and how it's related to mental wellness. We're homeschooling, roadschooling parents of four, two adopted through the foster care system.

Janelle Devlin (01:17):

And I'll just say, my biggest win is that I love my man more than ever. After 17 years of marriage, I thinkthat's a big win. Today, I'm so excited. If you can't see me, if you're not watching video, if you're listeningtoday, I'm smiling from ear to ear, because this is such an honor. We have New York Times bestsellingauthor and creator of The Five Love Languages, which has sold over 20 million copies worldwide. Thisgentleman has been on the New York times bestseller list since 2007. He's been directly involved in reallife family counseling since the very beginning, and he has a nationally syndicated radio program that airswith over 400 affiliate stations. So today, we are talking love languages and his latest book, Things I WishI'd Known Before My Child Became a Teenager. So Dr. Gary Chapman, welcome. We're so glad you'rehere.

Dr. Gary Chapman (02:09):

Well, thank you Janelle. It's good to be with you today, and especially talking about teenagers.

Janelle Devlin (02:14):

Yes, yes, yes. Let's just start right here. You and your wife, Karolyn, have raised two children. You havemore than 40 years experience counseling families. You've written over 50 books in 57ish languages, andit's known around the world. Andrew and I, I mentioned, we have the four kids. And I'm so curious,because we're starting to come into these teenage years. We have one teenager, 13-year-old. We have two11-year-olds and a 10-year-old. So I'm so curious because I've known about your books for a very longtime. In high school, I'm pretty sure, I had my boyfriend do the whole assessment. I wanted to make surethat I knew his love language and he knew mine. Here we are now, I have these budding teenagers, andI'm wondering, what did you see or hear that led you to write this book?

Dr. Gary Chapman (03:00):

Well, I think a part of it was the fact that there's so many things that, when my son, especially, became ateenager, that I was not anticipating. And looking back on it, and of course having worked with familiesthrough the years, I just thought, I just want to reflect and kind of delineate what I wish I had knownbefore my child became a teenager. And so, I'm hoping this is going to help a lot of families who havechildren your age, that are coming to those teenage years. Because teenagers are not like children. Theyare children, but they're not like younger children. If we know more about what to expect and have someideas on how to process it, I think it's going to help us. So that's what I'm trying to do.

Janelle Devlin (03:40):

That is great. And this book was just released. I have a fresh copy, right?

Dr. Gary Chapman (03:44):

Yes.

Janelle Devlin (03:44):

We have some fresh copies for listeners. I wanted to see if we could quickly touch on love languages. Wewant to talk about teens and how we can support coming into those years. But one question I've had froma lot of friends, and especially leading up to this podcast, is, why is it important to know your child's lovelanguage? And how young can you determine what their love language is? Or I guess, when should westart having that awareness?

Dr. Gary Chapman (04:06):

Yeah. Well, I think most people agree that one of our deepest emotional needs as humans is the need tofeel loved by the significant people in our lives. If you're married, that would start with your spouse. Ifyou feel loved by your spouse, then everything else is easier to process. With the children, what I've saidmany times is, to parents, the question is not, do you love your children, or do you love your teenager?The question is, does your child or your teenager feel loved? I remember years ago, a 13-year-old was inmy office. He had run away from home, and in the course of our conversation, he said to me, "My parentsdon't love me. They love my brother, but they don't love me." I knew his parents. I knew they loved him,but they had never learned how to communicate love in a way that he would understand.

Dr. Gary Chapman (04:50):

And that's what the love language does. It helps you discover the child's primary love language, the onethat's most important for them. And without it, they will not feel loved, even though you're expressinglove in some other ways. That's kind of the background of that. And I'll just briefly, if you like, sharethose love languages. One of them is words of affirmation, just pointing out things to the teenager thatyou really like about them. And sometimes there are things you don't like, and we harp on those thingsrather than on the things we do like and we do appreciate. So, affirming words.

Dr. Gary Chapman (05:21):

Another is acts of service, doing things for them, and especially things they cannot do for themselves.And this also involves teaching them to do things for themselves. It's a big act of service to teach a childhow to cook, for example, is a huge act of service, if they're interested in cooking. And so, acts of service.

Dr. Gary Chapman (05:37):

And then, there's gifts. It's universal to give gifts. Now, we don't give the child, or the teenager, everythingthey ask for. We are the parent. We're much wiser, we hope. Sometimes we love them too much to givethem what they ask for.

Janelle Devlin (05:51):

Yes.

Dr. Gary Chapman (05:52):

But for some children, this is really important. And they have certain interests, and when you give themthings related to that interest, whether it's music or sports or whatever, it communicates love to them. Andthen there's quality time: giving the teenager your undivided attention. Now, the two of you can be takinga walk down the road. You can be going on a weekend trip together. You could be sitting down andtalking, as long as they have your undivided attention. Now, if the phone rings, and you're talking to them,and you answer the phone, you've just communicated to them, somebody out there is more important thanyou.

Janelle Devlin (06:22):

Yes.

Dr. Gary Chapman (06:23):

I know it's not what we want to communicate, but we do communicate. And then, number five is physicaltouch. And we've long known that affirming physical touches communicate love. And so the simple ideais, that out of those five, each teenager and each child has a primary love language. So you want to learnthat primary. Now, you mentioned, how early can you determine a child's language? I think, at least, bythe age of four. Simply observe their behavior. How do they respond to you? My son's love language isphysical touch. When he was that age, when I came home from work, he would run to the door and grabmy leg and climb on me. He's touching me because he wants to be touched. Our daughter never did that.Our daughter would say at that age, "Daddy come into my room. I want to show you something."

Dr. Gary Chapman (07:07):

She wanted undivided attention. She wanted quality time. So it's there, very early in a child's life. And asthey progress through childhood and teenage years, they tend to keep the same language, but as teenagers,and here's something I wish I'd known: as teenagers, we have to use different dialects of their language,because what we've been saying is childish to them.

Janelle Devlin (07:28):

Yes.

Dr. Gary Chapman (07:28):

"You sweet little thing, I just love you so much." "Oh, come on mom." And give them different kind oftouches. And so, we have to learn new dialects when they're teenagers, because they themselves think, I'mnot a child anymore. And they're not, they're teenagers.

Janelle Devlin (07:44):

Right.

Dr. Gary Chapman (07:45):

So, that's the basic concept, and it makes a huge difference. And please don't hear me saying, "You onlyspeak the child's primary love language." No, no. Heavy doses of the primary, but you sprinkle in theother four, because we would like for the child and the teenager to learn how to receive love and give lovein all five languages. That is the healthiest adult. Most of us did not receive all five growing up, so wecome to adulthood, and some of these are difficult for us to speak because we didn't learn them as a child.

Janelle Devlin (08:13):

Yeah. I've never really thought of it that big picture, but you're right. When we can help our children toknow their love language and then know... when their cup is full, you talk about their emotional tankbeing filled. And then when that's filled, then, same with us, then we have that overflow, and we have thatto be able to give more and to learn more. That's amazing. Can I ask a question that was specific toyesterday, with love languages?

Dr. Gary Chapman (08:38):

Surely.

Janelle Devlin (08:38):

Okay. Yesterday, of the four kid, three of them are, for sure, quality time. Now, we also homeschool. Theday calendar starts at 6:00 AM for me and usually goes til 10:00 when there's things happening. When Isay 10:00, it's because then we block off time for Andrew and I, in the evening, or to just rest or go for awalk. But it's a full schedule. And I'm a acts of service. Sometimes I say, "I wish I wasn't," becauseeveryone around me is quality time and physical touch. Anyway, the kids came to me, and one inparticular, I was really trying to work on love languages specifically, especially for one of my adoptivegirls. I was just trying to really see, is it quality time for her? What is it? So sure enough, really arelanding on quality time.

Janelle Devlin (09:24):

She asked if I would come, and she said, "Mom, would you come and play Lincoln Logs with me?" She's11, she loves to create, she loves to build. So I took a deep breath and I was, "Yes, I will come playLincoln Logs with you."

Dr. Gary Chapman (09:35):

Yes.

Janelle Devlin (09:35):

So I didn't pause. And so, I played Lincoln Logs on the floor, for 15, 20 minutes. And then with the otherkiddo, a little bit later, I'd say, "Hey, come over and sit with me." I knew that she loved that physicaltouch. We read together, snuggled her. Just was trying to make sure each of the kids had their lovelanguage communicated to them. Came to the end of the day, and I found that the kids were, I toldAndrew, I said, "I feel like I've been giving them, with their love language, throughout the day today."And this isn't just yesterday, but yesterday was a prime example with the Lincoln Logs on the floor. Andit came to the end of the day. And a lot of times it feels like, when I'm really tapping into their lovelanguage, they want more. Can you speak to that? Because I feel a little bit at a loss, because to be honest,I kind of wanted to tap out, end of the day. It's 8:00 PM, and you guys want me to come and snuggle andread books. We've been doing that all day.

Dr. Gary Chapman (10:27):

Yeah.

Janelle Devlin (10:28):

I feel a little selfish because I'm thinking, a lot of my things I maybe should have gotten done yesterday,had to be done, then, later at night. Is that just that, with more consistent effort, children are able to... Idon't know. What can you say about that?

Dr. Gary Chapman (10:43):

Well, yeah I think that children often, because let's face, it we're self-centered, children and adults, we'reself-centered.

Janelle Devlin (10:48):

Oh, I am.

Dr. Gary Chapman (10:48):

And we're thinking about what we want, you know?

Janelle Devlin (10:50):

Right.

Dr. Gary Chapman (10:51):

And if quality time is their language, they want quality time. And I think that's where we have to helpthem be realistic. And we can't always do what they're asking at that moment. And we have to say, "Well,honey, right now, I have to fix dinner for our family. So if you go play something else, we'll have sometime together in a little bit, but right now I've got to do this." Because they need to know that life is not allcentered around them, that it's a family. And each child, you have to have time with each of them. Youhave to have time with your husband.

Dr. Gary Chapman (11:21):

And there are things that have to be done. And so, I think just simply explaining that to them. And theother factor is, giving them acts of service to do for the family, especially as they get older, coming intothe teenage years, growing in responsibility. That they have certain times in which they do certain things,as well, for family members or for the family as a whole. I think it's just a matter of helping themunderstand that there's five of us in the family or six of us in the family, and there has to be some qualitytime with each one of them. So I can't always be with you because I have to be with the other children aswell.

Janelle Devlin (11:56):

Yes, that's it. I think because I've been more attuned to it, especially knowing that we were going to betalking about this, it could just be that, all of a sudden, they are really feeling loved, and naturally theywant more of that. So I'm hearing from you that I can just help to then say, maybe talk a little bit about mylove language, and, "Come in and help me cook dinner." Do that together, make that fun, so it's not just agiving. Because I think as parents, and some questions I had from some parents, one in particular was,"Sometimes I feel like I'm just giving, giving." But especially if someone's a single parent, how do wemake sure our cup is filled? But it sounds like just having that open communication with the lovelanguages at an early age.

Dr. Gary Chapman (12:34):

Yeah. I think so, helping them understand that. And in the family also, that all of us have responsibilities.And so, mom is the cook, or maybe daddy's the cook. Or whatever, we do most of the cooking. But whenyou get older, if you're interested, we're going to teach you how to cook. Our granddaughter, at the age of14, can do a full meal. And every year, she fixed her own birthday cake because she loved to cook.

Janelle Devlin (12:57):

That's cool.

Dr. Gary Chapman (12:58):

Yeah. And her brother, he wasn't into that. So they didn't teach him that; they taught him how to do otherthings. I think tapping into the child's interests, in fact, I've often suggested to parents, especially in theteenage years, "What about sitting down and making a list of all the things you would like your child toknow how to do by the time they're 18 years old?" And let the teenager help you. Let the teenager helpyou make the list.

Dr. Gary Chapman (13:23):

And maybe they will say, "I'd like to know how to change a tire on the car," if they're 16, "in case I have aflat tire." "What would you all like to know before you get to be 18?" Because at 18, typically, they'regoing to go off to college, or join the military, or get a job. It's going to be different after they finish highschool. And so, if we had a list, and they've had some input in it, then we know where to spend our timein teaching them how to do those things. And that's a huge act of service to that child. And you're alsoteaching them, they can use those skills, then, to help other people.

Janelle Devlin (13:56):

That's so good. You just answered my question and beyond, because that's helping them see the bigpicture, and it's supportive for everyone in the family. So I love that, in the book, you really have sharedthe perfect combo, in my opinion, of research and related stories. And I love how you share the practicalways that parents can work on each of these areas with their teen. And the five that really stood out to meis the first one, how teens are developing their logical thinking. And second, why teens need to feel lovedand how to love when it's hard, when they maybe feel a little less than super lovable. And third, how teensare moving towards independence and balancing responsibility, which you just spoke about right there,with the list of things to acts of service before they're 18, and things to accomplish and be able to master.And number four, what real social skills teens need. And fifth, the mental, emotional, and spiritualguidance that's vital for teens.

Janelle Devlin (14:51):

And if some people, that are listening now, are in the stage where they have a teenager. And maybe, I callit the red zone check engine light's been on for a while, and maybe we have a teen that's just shut down.What encouragement do you have for parents who feel that maybe it's too late, or they're just knee-deep inthe challenges? Where do they start?

Dr. Gary Chapman (15:12):

Yeah. Well, it's never too late, as long as they're alive, okay? Long as they're alive. I think many times,particularly if a parent wakes up and realizes they really kind of failed the child, the teenager, that maybethey've been obsessed with their vocation, or maybe they've had other things in their mind, and they justhaven't really... I think it starts with an apology. It's just to sit down and say, "Hey, Johnny, I've beenthinking a lot about us. And there's a lot of ways in which I feel like I have failed you. I have not been themother or the daddy that you really deserve. And here are some of the things that came to my mind,where I feel like I haven't done a really good job. And if you get a moment, I'd like to share these withyou and just ask you if you could forgive me for these things, because you deserve more than this."

Dr. Gary Chapman (15:58):

Whoa. And you just share those things with them. And most of the time they will forgive you. And thenyou can also say, "Now honey, tell me, from your perspective, are there other things where you feel like Ihave failed you, or haven't been the best mother or the best father?" And the teen will be honest. If youopen up your heart like that, they'll be honest to you. They'll share some of those things. And you'll say,"Well, I never realized that. I never knew you felt that way, but I can see now, how you could have feltthat way. And I'm sorry for that. Why don't we work at really learning how I can be a better father orbetter mother to you, and you could be a better son or better daughter? And let's try to help each other.

Dr. Gary Chapman (16:38):

Maybe we can read a book together and talk about what we learned in the chapter." And then, take theteen through a book, any book that you think would be helpful to them. But when you do that, workingthrough a book, for example, it's something concrete that you both read and then you both talk about. Soit gives you a platform, to talk with the teen. Because you're right, sometimes teenagers shut down, andyou say, "What happened today?" And they say, "Nothing," you know?

Janelle Devlin (17:03):

Yes.

Dr. Gary Chapman (17:05):

But this is a way to help them open up and have some conversations. And out of those conversations, nowthat it's flowing, and they feel like you're listening to them, and you're interested in them, you can makeup for past failures.

Janelle Devlin (17:19):

I can see where it'd be so important to, if you're going to go into that, and those of you that really relatedto that and heard that and thought, that's the conversation I need to have, go back and re-listen and bulletpoint and write it out and spend some time with it. And know that, if you're going to have thatconversation, if you're going to be brave to have that conversation and apologize and come to the table, tobe ready to just keep that same verbiage. That we're not going into blaming or, "No, I didn't." I'm hearingthat open conversation and then committing to showing love. Would I be correct in thinking, let's say youhave a teen that, again, is kind of shut down. Maybe you're thinking, I'm not sure of their love language.Could you probably go back to their younger years and start thinking, oh, did they run and hug my legwhen I came in? Did they want to show me? Is that how you direct them? And then, just show love. Don'thave any expectations. Keep showing it, keep being present.

Dr. Gary Chapman (18:09):

Yes, I think so. Actually, there is a version for the teenagers themselves. It's called a Teen's Guide to theFive Love Languages. And you can say to them, "I've been reading a book on how to love people better.And there's one written to teenagers. What if you read it, and then I read it, and we can discuss ittogether?" Because the teenager gets this concept, that daddy has a love language, mother has a lovelanguage. And so does your sister or your brother. And let's work at becoming a loving family, so that wereally do love each other and express it in a meaningful way. Teens will pick up on it.

Janelle Devlin (18:48):

Yep. Yep. They might not show it right away, but that's going to be so meaningful to hear. But you guysco-wrote Screen Kids, Five Relational Skills Every Child Needs in a Tech-Driven World. And so, I waswondering... we all know teens generally love technology. We have screen time and limits and things,here at our house, and trying to navigate that well. I know I'm going to be learning more, with this book.But we often hear the detrimental sides of too much. But what about some of the benefits, when it comesto teens in particular?

Dr. Gary Chapman (19:19):

Yeah, I think screens can be very helpful to us. Texting, for example. If they have a phone, an iPhone,texting can be helpful because it gives them a way to keep in touch with you, a way for you to keep intouch with them, when you are apart. Now, you're homeschooling, but those where, they're at school. Andwhat happens after school? So that. And FaceTime, we can actually talk to them and look them in the facewhen you're apart. You know? That's a wonderful technology, that we didn't have when I was growing up.

Dr. Gary Chapman (19:54):

Yeah. And one of the things I do, as a grandfather with my grandson now, if I'm traveling, and I seesomething I think he would be interested in, I'll make a photo and just send it to him. Say, "Hey man, thisis what I saw today." And he will sometimes do the same thing for me. So technology can help us keep intouch. Technology can also be helpful in education because there's an awful lot you can learn. And now,don't assume that everything that you read online is going to be true. But you can learn a lot. Pick asubject, anything that you're interested in and they're interested in and especially older teenagers. Say,"Why don't you see what you can find online about this topic? And I'm going to try to do the same thing,and then we'll discuss and see what we can learn about it." Any topic that they're interested in.

Dr. Gary Chapman (20:39):

So a lot of good things about technology. What we want to avoid, however, is allowing the teenager tobecome addicted to the phone or the screen. And this can happen. And often it focuses around videogames, and all their spare time, they play video games, video games, video games. And what they'regetting from it is satisfaction because they're making scores, they're making the bell ring.

Janelle Devlin (21:06):

They're winning. And especially our boys. Our boys are little men, and I believe God created men to wantto conquer and achieve things, and win the love, win the true love. And you rescue the princess, whatever.But there's that, John Eldridge. So yeah, I can see that in video games. Never would have thought of itthat way. They want to win. They want to-

Dr. Gary Chapman (21:27):

Yeah.

Janelle Devlin (21:27):

Hm.

Dr. Gary Chapman (21:29):

But the problem is, if they become addicted to playing video games and spend all their free time doingthat, first of all, they're going to miss out on other things such as sleep, such as exercise, such asinterfacing with other people. And they will carry that into marriage later on. If they're addicted to videogames, as teenagers, they'll carry it into college and all their spare time, that they'll be playing videogames. Then they get married, and their spare time they'll play video games. It's not going to go well fortheir marriage. It's a matter of structure. Teenagers really thrive on structure. So there's certain times wedon't do screens, And there's certain times we do. And there's a limit on the time that we spend on thescreen. And listen, if you have provided them a phone as a teenager, you're paying the bill, so you're theone that can make the rules and the guidelines. You don't just let the teen do whatever they want to do.Listen, teenagers need guidance. And as parents, we're there to give them guidance.

Dr. Gary Chapman (22:29):

And so, if they're asking you if they can do this or whatever, and we think it's not good for them, we say,"Honey, look, I love you too much to let you do that. I can see how you would want to do that, but I loveyou too much to do it, because I just don't think that's going to be healthy for you. It's not going to helpyou" in this area or that area, whatever. If a teen really feels loved by you, they're far more open toaccepting your authority as a parent and being willing to abide by what you're saying.

Janelle Devlin (22:59):

Yeah. That just reminded me that we were going through the foster care process with our girls. And it'llbe, for us, four years since adoption, this November, 2021. But they were with us for a year-and-a-halfbefore. And we did a lot of different therapies and things, to work on the bonding. Well, eventuallytowards adoption, the bonding. But one of the big things that was different for me was learning, how can Isay, "Yes" more? And not just "Yes." Not giving them access to whatever they want, but to be able to say,when they say, "Hey mom," like my son came to say, "Hey mom, can I have some screen time?" Where Ican say, "Yeah, bud. That's a great idea. You haven't had any all day. Do you have all your school stuffdone?"

Janelle Devlin (23:41):

And she brings me the little checklist. I'll say, bring the checklist. So instead of me saying, "No, you can't,until your school stuff is done," I say, "Hey, I think that'd be great." He knows our boundary is, on schooldays, 20 minutes. So it's kind of like, "Yeah, bud. Great idea," which most parents probably don't respondthat way. "Do you have all your stuff done?" Because he also knows the boundary of, "These things,when they get done, go for it, bud." He knows. And he really respects that boundary. That process taughtme to be able to say, "Yes." "Hey mom, can we play Lincoln Logs together?" "Yeah. Rose, that's a greatidea. I need to finish up dinner. So can you help me get dinner going? We'll pop it in the oven, and then Ican come play with you," instead of, "No Rose, I can't. I have to make dinner."

Dr. Gary Chapman (24:22):

Yeah, absolutely.

Janelle Devlin (24:22):

And that opened my heart in so many different ways. And I find, I catch myself doing it, justcommunicating that way. To be able to say, "Yes." And-

Dr. Gary Chapman (24:31):

Yeah.

Janelle Devlin (24:33):

So-

Dr. Gary Chapman (24:33):

That's super positive because it affirms their desire. And typically, what they're asking is a fine desire. Soit's affirming that desire, but you're saying, "Let's do this first, and then we can do that." So-

Janelle Devlin (24:46):

Yes. Yeah. So wonderful. Well, I guess, to bring it all together, and then putting you on the spot a little bit,for this one, but what are you most proud of as a parent, now that your kids are grown? You've helped somany, and no doubt, you have testimony upon testimony and people around the world and letters and allthe things. You as a parent, because when it comes down to it, at the end of our lives, we're thinking ofthose closest to us, what are you most proud of as a parent?

Dr. Gary Chapman (25:15):

There's a statement made by the Apostle John in the little book of Third John, where he says, "I have nogreater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth." Now he was talking, I think, about his spiritualchildren. But to me, I apply that to my two children. I have a son and a daughter, and they're in theirfifties now, but they're both passionate followers of Jesus. They're very different. My daughter's a medicaldoctor, delivers high-risk babies.

Janelle Devlin (25:44):

Wow.

Dr. Gary Chapman (25:44):

My son is artistic, and he's into helping people. He's a unofficial counselor. He's never met a stranger.[Crosstalk 00:25:53] Very, very different children. But they both have a deep love for Christ, and they seelife, we're here to serve others, which is what Jesus said about himself. "I did not come to be served. Icame to serve." And so, we see ourselves that way. They're investing their lives in helping people, andnothing brings me greater joy than that. Now, we can't make that happen.

Dr. Gary Chapman (26:18):

I have couples who say to me, "Doc Chapman, we brought our child up to be a Christian and went tochurch and so forth, and now they've wandered off," and so forth. Well, we can't control our adultchildren, but what we can do is try to be authentic while they are with us, so that they see us, and we'renot saying one thing and doing another, but we're trying to be realistic with them and honest with them.Our model is more important than our words, because if we model what we teach, they're far more likelyto see: this is valid. This is good. This is right.

Dr. Gary Chapman (26:53):

But if we teach them one thing, and we do something else, then they lose respect for us. So, best thing wecan do while they're there, is to be all there and to just live an authentic life with them, so that they seeyou living out the principles that you teach them.

Janelle Devlin (27:10):

Yes. So good. Well, thank you so much. Thanks for joining us. I know that so many people are excited tobe reading. Some, this might be kind of a fairly new introduction of your other books outside of The FiveLove Languages. But the new book, Things I Wish I'd Known Before My Child Became a Teenager, isnow available as of this month, by Dr. Gary Chapman. And also, we mentioned the Screen Kids. We'llhave some resources in the show notes for you guys, and some giveaways. So, to be able to tap into thegiveaways, head on over to devlinworldwide.com, and you guys can subscribe to the podcast, share. Andalso, head on over to see us at Instagram and following us as well. So all our new followers, we're goingto have everybody in the drawing for the books. Also, those who have jumped on the website and get ourfree resource we have for you there, you'll also be in. So we're excited to connect you guys with theseresources.

Janelle Devlin (28:03):

Thank you, Dr. Chapman. We know that this is really what it all comes down to, is our communicationand within all of our relationships. So thank you for speaking to doing this part of our lives. Well-

Dr. Gary Chapman (28:16):

Yeah. Well thank you, Janelle. It's good to be with you and good to speak to all those that are listening.You keep up the good work. Sounds like you and your husband are doing a great job, so continue to serveothers. That's what it's all about.

Janelle Devlin (28:29):

Yeah, absolutely is. Thanks so much. Thanks for joining us today, guys. We hope that you can take awaysomething that inspires you into action, that informs you about an area, whether it's with your health,relationships, with your home, your business, and that also equips you for the journey ahead, with familyand with business. Thanks for joining us with The Space in Between. Thanks for joining us for Love PlusMoney. Hey, if you haven't already, go head on over to devlinworldwide.com. You guys can get our freedownload about the five main things that we schedule into our week to be able to do success well, bothwith family and with business. That is a free resource for you guys. And then finally, if the spirit leads,and you can head on over to give us a review, that would be incredible. Like, share, do all the things. Wehope that we can be life-giving into your life and speak love also, into your business. So thanks again forjoining us. We're so thrilled for the adventure ahead. See you next time.