Do you know how to be a lover AND a fighter? Here are 5 ways we keep love alive while growing two businesses, homeschooling our 4 kids, dabbling in wild adventure… and growing as individuals. Here's what we cover:
We loved this episode with you all and would love to hear the love hacks YOU would add to the list. Be sure to subscribe and *****Leave a Review so more people can find this loveable content to keep the fire burning! Until next time, CHEERS to doing success well today.
~The Devs
Connect with us on your fav social platform:
Instagram: @devlinworldwide
Facebook:www.facebook.com/WeAreTheDevlins
And through our website: http://DevlinWorldwide.com
Do you know how to be a lover AND a fighter? Here are 5 ways we keep love alive while growing two businesses, homeschooling our 4 kids, dabbling in wild adventure… and growing as individuals. Here's what we cover:
We loved this episode with you all and would love to hear the love hacks YOU would add to the list. Be sure to subscribe and *****Leave a Review so more people can find this loveable content to keep the fire burning! Until next time, CHEERS to doing success well today.
~The Devs
Connect with us on your fav social platform:
Instagram: @devlinworldwide
Facebook:www.facebook.com/WeAreTheDevlins
And through our website: http://DevlinWorldwide.com
Janelle:Hey, everybody. In a world that says you have to choose between being successful orhaving successful relationships, we are that space in between your awesome family lifeand your awesome work life. Welcome to Devlin Worldwide with our podcast Love PlusMoney. Let's get going. Happy New Year everybody. Janelle and Andrew here. Today isgoing to be a hot topic. Hot topic Andrew. Today, we're talking about love hacks, fivesmall habits that fuel the fire.
Andrew:All right, who doesn't like fire?
Janelle:And who doesn't like feeling the love.
Andrew:That's right.
Janelle:We are coming into this fresh new year and we're going to bring some fresh newperspective and we're going to bring some fresh new strategies together. We learn fromeach other. We just so happen to be married for 17 years. This is the truth of it all. Weactually love each other way more than we did in the very beginning. Has it been easy?
Andrew:No.
Janelle:Has it been worth it?
Andrew:Yes.
Janelle:That was too long of a pause.
Andrew:It's all about podcast pause.
Janelle:But really, truly, we're being real with you in that. We hope our intention is that what weshare today can be applied into your relationship right now. We learn from each other andAndrew and I give a lot of credit to different books, or seminars, or things we've attendedin regards to our marriage over the years, and feel like it helped us to maybe workthrough the hard times better.
Andrew:Yeah. As a business coach, I see so many people investing in their businesses, their staff,going to seminars. But not many people have been on a marriage retreat. Not, oh, goahead.
Janelle:I just read a stat that nearly 25% of resolution makers in the U.S. said they wanted toimprove their family life.
Andrew:Which to me is insane. And that means 25 people out of 100 want to improve theirfamily life, which is shockingly low. But I guarantee the rest of them want to lose 10pounds.
Janelle:Yeah.
Andrew:And this is the truth. You lose 10 pounds, great. If that's a focus for you, wonderful,awesome. I think people should focus on fitness and health. But if my biceps are bigger,if my abs are more etched, it doesn't do zip for my marriage. So many people buy the TV,they'll buy the car, they'll spend the money. But to actually improve their relationships, toactually improve family life, it's not something people invest in. It's not something peopleare reading about. And generally the only time they do, is if it's bad. No, it's not too late.I'm not going to say it's too late, but why not invest when it's good, because good is theenemy of great.
If you are there with a good marriage right now, good fire, what would a great fire look like? Ifyou are in a bad place in your relationship, a lot of times it's worth fighting for. I just sawa real quick clip with Keanu Reeves and Drew Barrymore. She said, "I'm a lover, not afighter." Keanu Reeves response is, "Well, if you're a lover, you need to be a fighter,because you need to fight for your love. You need to fight for your marriage." There'stimes that we do need to fight for it. The other person might not think that they're goingto participate with that fight to make the marriage great. But what I found is the mostcertain person in the relationship is a massive influence to the other.
Janelle:I love that. Be a lover and a fighter.
Andrew:Yeah.
Janelle:That's awesome.
Andrew:I will fight for you.
Janelle:Well, we had decided we had deemed here at Devlin Worldwide, we've deemed 2022, theyear of the couple, #theyearofthecouple. A takeaway you get from today, we'd love tohave you share online. Tag us in your Instagram at Devlin Worldwide,#theyearofthecouple, as you are taking something away from this today. As we talk aboutthat, our motto that's coming around all of this is for us to all individually be able to say,"Hey, if I win, then we lose. How can we fight for us together instead of fighting forme?" If you've been hurt, if you're in a tough spot in your relationship, it can be very easyto just be thinking, "Well, what about me? What about me?"
I'm going to go back a little bit, zoom out a little bit and say that depending on your situation, ifthere's any physical abuse, if there's some of these bigger subjects, we are not marriagecounselors. Our intent is to come in and share what has worked for us over the years. Butthere are times when you need to be seeking outside help for sure, especially if there'sanything along the lines of abuse.
Andrew:Yep.
Janelle:The year of the couple, these are some five habits and we call these five small habits thatfuel the fire. Let's be honest, it's the small habits that make the difference. It's brushingyour teeth in the morning. You know what, that takes like two minutes. That's exactly it.
Andrew:Four minutes of effort a day and you get to save thousands and thousands of dollars ondental work.
Janelle:That's one way of looking at it. We're calling these five small habits, but we alsounderstand for some of you, some of you are already doing some of these things.Awesome. And again, we can learn from you. We love hearing your feedback. Werespond personally through our direct messages on Instagram. We'd love to hear what'sworking for you. We'd love to, maybe we collaborate with podcast stuff in the future.We'd love to do that. But today, as we talk about these five small habits, our intent is thatyou can see these, even if they're brand new, as something doable and that you can takethat one step towards. Today, not to have to wait for it. You can take that step today. Sothe first one that we want to share is number one, discover each other. It is not hard. It isnot hard to want to get to know your spouse better.
Andrew:I think a lot of times we think we know them, but I'm not the same guy Janelle married.If I was, we'd be in trouble. The purpose of life is to grow. I need to accept Janellegrowing into the person she's created to be, and she needs to accept who I'm created to beand growing into. But we shouldn't stay the same. One of the myths that I think a lot ofpeople believe in their marriage is I know them. Some things I've learned is never, ever,ever assume rapport with your spouse. If I'm up and I walk in and Janelle's just woke up.If I say, "Hey, have you seen my keys?" Rather than, "Good morning. How are youdoing? Did you have a nice sleep?" I'm building rapport with my wife for 17 years. Ithink so many people, they would do it to a stranger. They would do it to a coworker. Butwe've got to make sure that we are engaging in our spouse in a loving way, right at thebeginning of the day, throughout the day.
Janelle:I think one thing that we've been talking about, year seven in marriage, we definitely hadsome rough spots, especially in that first decade. It's fun to be able to say that, in the firstdecade of our marriage .we're in the second decade right now.
Andrew:And onto our third.
Janelle:Not quite, okay. So we had a situation where-
Andrew:Around about year seven into marriage, we were misfiring. I remember going, "I need toknow who she is now." And I asked her, "When would be a good time this week for meand you to sit down so I can get to know you more?" Janelle's response was, "You'veknown me for seven years. There's nothing else to learn." And I was like, "No, I'd reallylike to get to know you more." She said Thursday night, seven o'clock. So we sat in thehouse Thursday at seven o'clock and I asked these questions and these questions are allthird party.
All right, because you're going to get a much more honest answer as a third party, rather thanwhat do you think our marriage is about? That can be too close to home for a lot ofpeople. So I asked this question, "What's fun about?" And Janelle, give me your answer. Iwas like, "What's a vacation about? What's money about? What's savings about? What'smarriage about?" She said, "To be known and understood." Then she asked the questionback to me. I said to feel like one. I asked what's raising kids about? Janelle said, "Togive them a fun childhood." My response was, "To raise healthy adults."
Janelle:Oh, you always make it sound like your answers are so much better.
Andrew:Do kids need a fun childhood?
Janelle:Yeah, they do.
Andrew:Yeah. So Janelle brings the fun.
Janelle:Janelle brought the fun in, but I brought the seriousness too.
Andrew:Yeah, because that's fun. If you've met us, that's us.
Janelle:Whatever. One of us is always in that role, that's true to say. We both can own theseriousness and the fun.
Andrew:Yes.
Janelle:Our point here is get to know each other again.
Andrew:Yeah.
Janelle:No matter where you are and don't take that as just cliche. That is a love hack for us. Ourframe, our belief system around this is we never are going to fully know each other. If weever culturally even, you hear this in the movies that are so sarcastic about love and aboutmarriage. Yeah, well, I know him. Just like you said, well, I know how he is. You knowhow he is. We need to be so aware, here's my side note with this, of how we're speakingabout our spouse to other people and being careful of what we do share. There are somethings that just don't need to be shared that needs to be between you and the other person,especially if it's conflict that you need to work through.
Andrew:Yeah and sometimes in a relationship, I like to think of people holding two magnifyingglasses. Everything that's wrong and everything that's right. What I found is a lot oftimes, "Oh, they're such a free spirit. I love being around them. You never know whatwe're going to do next."
Janelle:That's what attracted them at first.
Andrew:Yeah. And then five years down the road, they're like, "Wow, they're so all over theplace. Well, they need to get serious." The very thing that attracted-
Janelle:So disorganized, yeah.
Andrew:... is the thing that's repelling them now.
Janelle:Another example could be, "Well, he was so stable. I just really saw that he had a goodhead on his shoulders and I could trust him and he was just very reliable. Five years downthe road, "He's so boring."
Andrew:He's so boring. Right.
Janelle:This is what we hear.
Andrew:Just the same thing every day.
Janelle:Not willing to try different things, just has the same routine. Comes home from work. Imean, we're sharing what we have gone through the years.
Andrew:Yeah. What I've understood is if we have friction in our marriage, it generally goes backto that year seven and Janelle doesn't feel known and understood. I remember a heateddisagreement that we were having.
Janelle:Here it comes.
Andrew:I remember Janelle saying, "You are not listening to me." And I said, "I'm listening great.Try me." And she said, "Well, what am I saying?" And I don't even remember what theargument was about, but I said, "You're saying this." And she went, "You know what I'msaying, so why do I feel so misunderstood?" And I was like, "Because I completelydisagree with you."
Janelle:Because I felt like your defenses were up.
Andrew:Yeah. Then she was like, "Oh, okay. Do you want to go out for dinner?" It was that bigof a shift because she felt now known and understood.
Janelle:It's about the tone. And so I think as we talk about discovering each other, we can'tdiscover each other with a chip on our shoulder, with wanting to secretly point out thewrongs. We have to really guys, this is relationships. We have to be able to see them forwho they are, to choose the magnifying glass of choosing the good, choose to realize thatsometimes we don't see our spouse for who they really are. Sometimes we don't takeownership for some of our own stuff and that's just the truth of it, and we continue to. Iswear, every time we get ready to do podcast or something comes up around that timeand we go, "All right, see, isn't this just meant to be."
Andrew:It's a learning opportunity.
Janelle:Been walking through this with you. But when we have these tools and we have thisframe of, "You know what, I'm going to always want to discover my spouse, I want toinvest in that." If you guys want to go deeper with this, then head on back to our previouspodcast, we have a two part on relationships that really gets into it. That's our explicit,only because we're talking about intimacy.
Andrew:It's not explicit.
Janelle:It's not like we're swearing, but just from the content. Then we also had Dr. GaryChapman on talking about love languages, a little more specific for teens and kids. But ifyou haven't already, Andrew and I know each other's love languages. That is key. Wealso happen to be fans of the Enneagram and Ian Morgan Cron and his work on histypology podcast. I was on his Instagram live yesterday. It was so great.
Andrew:She was. Makeup free.
Janelle:I was. It was just the real me.
Andrew:I'm sat downstairs and I get a notification that Janelle's on Instagram and on a live withIan Morgan Cron. And I was like, "What? She went upstairs for a shower."
Janelle:Yep, and next thing I knew you're just open to what's next. Okay, so that's another option.And then you guys have heard us talk about the book Crazy Good Sex by Les and LeslieParrott. Wild at Heart by John and Stacy Eldridge and Wild at Heart Captivating for theWomen by Stacy. And then we talked about the Enneagram, sought to understand eachother better and it helps so much discovering.
Andrew:Yeah, well, we drove from Colorado back to Utah. It's 10, 11 hours. Let's listen to apodcast. I'm like, "I don't want to listen to a podcast."
Janelle:This was just this last weekend.
Andrew:Yeah. There were storms and the only day we could get out Colorado was Christmas. Idon't want to, I just wanted to chill out. I learned a lot about me.
Janelle:On the typology about Enneagram eights, which is Andrew. And that's the great thing isit's always fresh content and it was good to hear from someone else.
Andrew:It's how I feel, that I mean articulated and got from it. This is one of the biggest things, Ifeel like so many people they're constantly listening to stuff, but low application podcast,somebody else's podcast again and then go, "What's working about my life? What's not?"And then I'm going to put it into action and then I'm going to assess again. So you see itshowing up in your relationship, seeing it showing up in your thoughts.
Janelle:So good. If you've been following us for any length of time, we have a free download onour website devlinworldwide.com, and you can pull up that free download and it's fivethings real families do every week. This has been a big part of our week, as far as lookingahead and just planning. It will take you 10 minutes to run through and look through that.And then the magic, the thing we can't do for you, only you can do, is to then schedulethose things into your week. One of them is schedule your date time. That might be,depending on your schedule, does not always have to be on a Friday night.
Andrew:It could be a date breakfast, date lunch.
Janelle:For a long time, probably our first few years in marriage, we had Wednesday nights andmost of the time it was at home and we took turns choosing who was going to either,probably not a game, because Andrew's not a big game player, unless it's poker.
Andrew:They call it, I've never played poker in my life. No, they call them board games becausethey get bored real easy.
Janelle:Oh, hunny. Okay, yes.
Andrew:I normally win.
Janelle:We would just take turns, choosing a movie and that was our date night. It probably, gosh,it was Blockbuster when we were first married.
Andrew:Yeah. Yeah.
Janelle:We would do that.
Andrew:And then we progressed to Redbox.
Janelle:And we'd pull out the hide a bed. Then kids came along and it had to be after we put themto bed, maybe that was twice a month. It didn't happen as consistently, but it did happen.And so it's just find scheduled time and don't feel like it has to be some big, $100, goingout for a date.
Andrew:One of the best things we used to do, is we just used to do laps around our house. It wasfour houses on the street and then four houses on the other one, and we'd just walkaround. So we weren't far away from the kids, but me and Janelle communicate great sideby side.
Janelle:I have a question for everybody that just came to my mind. I'd like you to honestlyanswer. When is the last time that you walked hand in hand with your person?
Andrew:Skipping.
Janelle:Skipping, no. Just when they walked hand in hand.
Andrew:Or just walking.
Janelle:If you think about it you really-
Andrew:Were handholding.
Janelle:It's part of our, we're hand holders. That's part of what we do. You guys have heard us, wewalk and talk. It's a great way to communicate, especially if you're working throughsomething hard. No one likes sitting across from each other or sitting on the couch withyour arms folded. Get the heck outside. Make yourself hold hands. You made acommitment. You're in this together. I hate that phrase.
Andrew:My face can be a trigger for you.
Janelle:And you move forward and you are walking and you are moving forward. Thatsymbolism of even walking and moving forward, you guys, it changes things I'm justtelling you.
Andrew:Side by side.
Janelle:You can be saying "Well, here's how I felt when you said that. It made me feel this wayand that was frustrating." You can be talking about that, but you are connected. You areholding hands and you are physically moving forward. A lot of you guys are going tofight us on that. You have your stories, you have things that have happened. You've beenwronged, all of this. But if you really want to be a fighter and a lover, you have to bewilling to try something different, especially when you're working through the hard.Schedule, that was all about scheduling the you time and schedule the date. The otherpart of that is bring in the fun. Like Andrew said, think about how you met. Andrew and Imet, you know what? We talked about talking about our story and I don't think we everfully, so we're going to tell you the short version of this. I had just graduated nursingschool.
Andrew:Moved to Vegas.
Janelle:Stop. I graduated nursing school. I was in Colorado and my family had planned this trip toAlaska, probably a couple years in the making. So graduate in June, this trip is in July.
Andrew:I was a lumberjack.
Janelle:I show up on the Princess cruise line in Alaska. We started in Vancouver, Victoria. Thenget on the cruise ship, day one I see, oh, because I had been teaching group fitnessclasses, I was into that. And thought, "Oh this is cool. They have a gym here and there'ssome personal trainers and they do talks and they do these classes." I jumped into thatand I see this picture as I walk into the gym of this real attractive guy, dark features. Ifyou guys have seen Andrew, yes, he's super handsome. And I thought, "Alrighty." Hadhis arms crossed, so the muscles bulge out a little more.
Andrew:I was told to push my muscles out, okay?
Janelle:Okay. Anyway, that's how we met was on the cruise ship. I was getting a facial andbrought up, "Hey, I hear that I've seen that guy, Andrew. He's from England too, isn'the?" And through that conversation, the-
Andrew:Katie.
Janelle:... esthetician, Katie, if you're listening, Katie went out and told Andrew, "Hey, there's agirl in there asking about you." So sure enough hour later I come out of the facial.
Andrew:I just happened to be hanging out for an hour.
Janelle:My skin is completely broken out, as it had been during that season, a long dark season. Icome out and there's Andrew just sitting there with a cup of water like, "Hey." Two hourslater I say, "I really have to go. I feel like I know everything about you right now." Andhe, as I'm walking away, he says, "Hey, do you want to join me for a drink?" And I'mthinking, "I normally wouldn't say yes to this, but you're an open book." My mom wasjust next to me too. I'm like, he's talking to my mom and I for at least an hour of thattime. I feel like I can trust this guy. We're on a cruise ship. Worst case he throws meoverboard. I don't know.
Andrew:You can swim.
Janelle:Not too bad of a way to go, I guess.
Andrew:In Alaska getting eaten an orca.
Janelle:It'd probably be a quick death.
Andrew:Yeah.
Janelle:we hung out and I thought at the end of the night it was nothing romantic. We played. Wewent to the video arcade. We did the ski simulator. I told him how I would one day, how Icould totally kick his butt on the moguls.
Andrew:And she does.
Janelle:Yeah. But we just played. I think, I don't know, maybe until 2:00 AM.
Andrew:We bossed.
Janelle:Again, nothing romantic. I just thought, I mean, yes, I was attracted to him. But I thought-
Andrew:I played guitar for you.
Janelle:He played guitar for me. I thought, "At least I know there's still some great guys outthere." I was just really hopeful and it was a fun experience. I had Andrew's email.
Andrew:Well, first I got a little note.
Janelle:I left, I was leaving the cruise ship and I thought, I'm a note writer. I thought, "I'm goingto write a little note." And I wrote a note.
Andrew:I thought it was a tip.
Janelle:We still have it. You know what, we will put it on, we'll have to put that on one of ourposts here this week that this podcast comes out. I wrote the note and, "Thank you, I hadso much fun with you." I'm thinking I'm never going to see this guy again. I took it to thefront desk and I said, "Hey, can you give this to Andrew, the trainer at the gym?" And thegirl said, "Yeah, I sure will." Didn't even have my phone number on there or anything.
Andrew:No.
Janelle:I just had a note. But I had his email from something earlier at the gym. He wasn'tsupposed to be, what's it called?
Andrew:Fraternizing with-
Janelle:Fraternizing, yes.
Andrew:With the passengers.
Janelle:Passengers.
Andrew:But I fratted.
Janelle:You did, yes. Yes. And so I went home and after another week in Alaska where wetraveled with my family in an RV. Got home and I thought, "Okay, Andrew's home bynow." You just finished nine months on the cruise ship. I thought, "I'm just going to sendhim an email." And that, sent him an email over in England. Turns out where things weregoing to be going with him did not go the direction he thought. He was going to open agym inside of an old church, had all these plans. Got home, everything fell through thecracks. So after about probably two weeks of text, of emailing. One week of emailingthen probably jumped on the phone.
Andrew:Yahoo Messenger.
Janelle:I said Yahoo Messenger. I said, "Well, do you want to come over to Colorado?" So hecame over, stayed in my parents' basement for a month.
Andrew:Which is not where you start a coal in America, because that's what I thought it wasgoing to be.
Janelle:I told him he could stay in my parents' basement.
Andrew:And I just pictured this dark, wet, coal filled room with a cot in the corner. But it was aluxury apartment. So pool table, I had my own TV, my own bathroom, couch.
Janelle:Yes.
Andrew:It was quite-
Janelle:Yes. It was, I didn't realize-
Andrew:I never lived anywhere so nice in my life, so I stayed.
Janelle:Yes, so he stayed. Anyway, that's a big part of our story. I mean, that is, I guess that'sreally it. That's the bare bones of how we came to be. But you guys, you can tell we metadventuring. We met having fun. We met being playful and dreaming big. I remember ussaying, you say, "Hey, well, I'm going back to England to start a gym and how coolwould it be if you came over and you could teach classes at my gym?" We just dreamed.And to this day-
Andrew:It's possible. Dreaming big.
Janelle:... that's what we do. We are not the same person, people that we were even last year. Thatis us. That leads us into the third way. We want you guys to schedule time and to bethinking about that first meeting and we need to revive that. We need to keep that alive.
Andrew:Yeah. Most people, the biggest problem in their relationship is that they got boring.
Janelle:Yep.
Andrew:Let's say you're doing a date night and you go out and you go to the restaurant. You eatyour food and you come home, or you go to the movies. It's like, go rock climbing ifyou've never done it. Indoor rock climbing, go indoor skydiving.
Janelle:We did that.
Andrew:Go bowling, go play pool.
Janelle:Take turns. And if you're in a rut, this is my encouragement. Take turns scheduling a datenight.
Andrew:And get creative.
Janelle:Then there's not, "Oh, what do you want to do? I don't know what you want to do. Okay, Iguess let's just go out to eat." Yeah, get creative. Like I said, go rock climbing. See what'shappening. See what local Thursday discounts happening at the rock climbing or call therock climbing place and say, "Hey, is there any night you have a discount?" A lot of themdo. Check out the parkour places for adults. There's a ninja warrior place here that adultscan go to, which that needs to be an upcoming date night actually.
Andrew:Prove it.
Janelle:Our kids are rocking it, so I think we should to show them what's up. There's a roller rink.Would you go roller skating with me?
Andrew:I would [inaudible 00:23:41] the roller skates.
Janelle:Okay. That's what we're saying, get creative. Get outside of your comfort zone.
Andrew:Yeah. Open mic night. Let's do it.
Janelle:Oh, wow. Maybe. [inaudible 00:23:53] said the curse of this generation is comfort.
Andrew:Yep.
Janelle:So don't let that be you. If you're a go-getter going for the big wins, like the big real wins,the things that don't show up when you log into your bank account, such as how healthyemotionally are your children? Andrew spent an hour before this podcast talking to oneof our adoptive kiddos and he needed to talk through emotions. Instead of just gettingfrustrated, you had to help her to understand her feelings.
Andrew:Bring the patience. Yeah, she couldn't articulate certain feelings.
Janelle:Easy thing would be, "Hey guys, just go take a break, go watch a movie." And then weconnect later. But Andrew recognized there was a need for her emotional health and thattime is worth it you guys. So make sure you're giving each other, especially in yourrelationship, credit for those things that you can't log in and view. You have to know that.That has to be an intrinsic driver in your motivations. It has to be there to know, "Hey,that counts. That is just as important as the $10,000 sale I just did today," or whateverthat is.
Andrew:Yep.
Janelle:Number three, find ways to serve without expectation. Someone out there just cringedbecause they heard the word serve, so Andrew talk to us about that.
Andrew:What I found is, and Janelle hit on this earlier, but it needs to be that the marriage wins,rather than I win. Again, I remember a disagreement and we've had a few. But she was atthe other side of the living room. I was on the other side of the living room about wherethe laundry room was. And I remember just thinking, "If I win this argument, she loses.And if she wins, I lose." And I was like, "What can I do, so that marriage wins?" I like tothink of the marriage as its own entity, which may sound weird. But if the marriage iswinning, I can't lose. How do we create a win-win? I just see so many people and it's likemy image is two people sat in a swing. Nobody's moving and they're waiting for the otherperson to get off and push them.
I always tell this to every client I have. I'm like, "I'm going to tell you to do it because I'mcoaching you." If you're listening to this, that means you are the person that pushes andthen we go, "But that's not fair." And I've realized that marriage,-relationships isn't fair.It's not 50 50. Sometimes it's 120, zero you know? I don't even know if that's good math,but sometimes that's how it feels. But you-
Janelle:120, negative 23.
Andrew:That's right. You have to be the person that's going to decide that you are going to be theinstigator to a greater connection and I'm going to get off and push. I'm not going to playthe blame, the victim game, or retaliation game. Again, we're talking about relationships,not abuse. Does that make sense? I'm not talking about forgiving somebody that'smanipulative, vindictive, abusive. That's completely different.
Janelle:That needs professional help.
Andrew:But how do you create a win-win situation for you and your spouse, or your significantpartner?
Janelle:The principles of harvest also apply in marriage. You guys have heard the principles ofharvest in many areas of life. Pastor Nikki Gumble says, "You harvest what you sow,later than you sow, and more than you sow. I'll read that again. "You harvest what yousow, later than you sow, and more than you sow. So Andrew and I discovered that if wewant a better harvest, we need to start planting better seeds. I'm going to say this a fewtimes and I want you just to, again, if you're listening just you, take this to heart. If you'relistening as a couple, own it for yourself before pointing a finger, because that is so easyto do. That's the cheap way out, right? Is we can choose to blame, that's a whole othertopic that you talk about, or that we talk about. But you can choose to blame or you canchoose to take some ownership and move forward.
"If we plant discord, we harvest chaos. If we plant resentment, we harvest contempt. But, if weplant new seeds of kindness, self-control and respect, just to name a few, then we beginto see a miracle harvest in the making." I'm going to read that again. If we plant discord,we harvest chaos. If we plant resentment, we harvest contempt. But, if we plant newseeds of kindness, self-control and respect, we begin to see a miracle harvest in themaking. We invite you guys into the hope that comes from the harvest. Trust in the hopeof the harvest and seek out help, seek out support, especially if you're in a rough spot. Ifyou're in a great spot, keep that communication strong and keep it open, so that as thestorms come as they do, you're able effectively communicate. You don't go to the place ofsleeping in separate beds for months on end because you're upset with each other, thatsort of thing.
Andrew:Yeah. Human beings generally completely overestimate what they can do in a day, aweek or a month. But they underestimate what they can do in a year. We're talking aboutharvesting. We're talking about planting and sowing seeds and yes, it needs sunlight. Itneeds water. It needs regular pruning. It needs pulling out the weeds when they're small.If you've ever tried to pull out a weed when it's big, it takes out so much dirt. You look atit and you're like, "How's this possible?"
Janelle:A massive hole.
Andrew:You've got a giant hole and there's not enough dirt to go back in it. And that's what Ifound, be an expert at pulling out the small weeds. I feel like if things are going-
Janelle:I like that.
Andrew:... a little awry, we address them really quickly now, where before it would fester. I knowI covered this in the relationship podcast a couple of months back, but there's three levelsof love. Level one is what can I get? That's most children, what do I get out of this. Leveltwo is what do I get if I give? If I do the dishes, do I get sex tonight? Level three is whatcan I give? I'm going to challenge you. What would it be like if you stepped into justgoing, what can I give to my partner? I've got one of my clients, it wasn't suggested byme, but they started doing the love dare.
Janelle:The love dear book.
Andrew:Yeah. They said, it's so great, just intentionally focuses. There's so many resources outthere.
Janelle:Yes, and that's a good one. That is a, it is a challenge. It's 30 days, I believe, of full focuson your spouse and you are not attached to anything they do back, give back, or say back.It is just a give and I've seen some real miracles just from that approach. That's it. I thinkthat's serving with that expectation and that real, practical application that I felt from you,as I think it was yesterday morning. You woke me up and you brought in my tea.
Andrew:Yeah in your favorite mug.
Janelle:In my favorite mug, because a mug does matter. Anyone else? Mug matters.
Andrew:#mugmatters.
Janelle:Yeah. Then you brought my things and you set me up over here in our fun little zebrachairs in our room and I had my Bible and I had my books over here and you just got meset up. I wasn't expecting that. I was not feeling, we're still on vacation mode as we'rerecording this. It was like, I wasn't my, maybe my normal earlier morning wake up. Youjust let me have that nice morning and there's no expectation. You just did that out of loveand that's an example. Now it's your turn to give an example of a way that I just servedyou in the last couple days. Oh, nothing?
Andrew:No.
Janelle:Darn, nothing comes to mind.
Andrew:I can think of something, I don't know.
Janelle:He's laughing.
Andrew:I don't know if I want to say it out loud.
Janelle:Oh, my gosh. Okay, let's jump to the next one. Good timing. Okay, the fourth one is haveemotional awareness. Recognize our friends, recognize if it's a bad day, if it's just been achallenge of a day, or if you really need to talk about something. If there's something thatkeeps coming up for a very long time in our marriage and it kept coming up as I felt like Icould not never talk to Andrew about, we don't need to get into this now. But, about thecleanliness of the home or putting things away or that sort of thing. I felt like I couldn'tbring it up because he'd get so defensive.
Andrew:I lived in a tent before meeting you.
Janelle:And I love your mom. June, if you're listening, I owe you everything because you'veraised an amazing son. However, he did not have chores growing up, from myunderstanding.
Andrew:My childhood was a chore.
Janelle:Really? Oh, okay. So, we've had to work on that. Do you not see the crumbs all over thecounter? No, he did not. I felt like I could not talk to him about anything in the house orthere was immediate defense. "Hey, don't you see all the work I'm doing? Don't you seewhat I'm doing? Look how much I'm getting done. Look at everything I'm doing forwork." And it was this constant like, "Oh gosh, how do I bring it up without us goingthere?" You guys know those conversations for you. But, if we can have the emotionalawareness that sometimes it's just a bad day and we need to give each other grace. Imean, I also didn't know when to ask for grace and females, sometimes you need to beable to say, "You know what? This is just that day or this week, I love you. I'm sorry if Ioverreacted. Can you just give me a little bit?" You need to communicate.
Andrew:Or, I'm hungry.
Janelle:Yeah.
Andrew:Or I didn't sleep good last night, or-
Janelle:Emotional awareness.
Andrew:I put my pants in the dryer too long and I feel fat.
Janelle:Oh, yeah. Remember we did talk about that in one of ours.
Andrew:Yeah.
Janelle:When I kept trying to wear those size two shorts and I felt like I had gained so muchweight. I'm like, "Why are these shorts not fitting?" At the end of the day, I took them offafter wearing them all day. It's like, "These are a flipping size two." I'm not a size two.My hips will never be. My bone structure will never be size two. Anyway.
Andrew:Hips don't lie though.
Janelle:That whole day I was in such a ticked off mood, all due to my sister's shorts ending up inmy drawer. Okay, so having that emotional awareness again, guys, those resources andwe'll put some in the show notes as well with the enneagram and the love language. Weare constantly wanting to make sure that we're in tune with each other. I think that reallyis, that's a love hack for us. That's it. It's recognizing, and because we've recognized thatand we've put that as part of our blueprint for marriage, we're always discovering and it'spart of the adventure for us, versus how it's always been.
Andrew:Yeah. I believe I can always do something to make the marriage worse. So Newton'sthird law, everything has an equal and opposite reaction. If there's something I can do tomake it worse, it has to be in existence, something I can do to make it better. I'm notgoing to focus on winning today, this week, or this month. I'm going to show up with aconsistency to have a great harvest in fall time. You might be in winter right now and youmight go, "I don't even know what to do." Start with the small stuff. Start with a smile.Start with making the bed. It's like I turn the electric blanket on. Janelle likes an electricblanket. I hate it.
Janelle:I just discovered electric blankets at age 40 last year and I'm thinking having come fromColorado, how have I never given myself permission? I always thought it would causecancer, and I don't know. I was always scared by electric blankets, so I never got one.Well, I got one and I warm the bed up. I unplug it before I get into bed and it's amazing. Igo get a massage or a facial and I'd get under the warm covers. I'm thinking, "Why am Idepriving myself of this feeling that I could have every night getting into bed?"Therefore-
Andrew:And I'm trying to stay cool all night.
Janelle:That's why we only have a twin.
Andrew:We have different thermostats In our body.
Janelle:We have the twin on the king size mattress, or the twin heaters, what I'm trying to say.
Andrew:Yes.
Janelle:That emotional awareness, so many tools. Again, those will be for you guys in the shownotes here. Here's our final one, just go to bed together, go sleep together. But really, mygrandma on our wedding party, what was that?
Andrew:Rehearsal.
Janelle:Rehearsal, during the dinner rehearsal. The one when your dad came down the stairs-
Andrew:In a speedo.
Janelle:... in a speedo to his body building routine.
Andrew:Yeah. Now dad, I bet you're not listening to this.
Janelle:Yeah, so give all the juicy details.
Andrew:Yeah. You want the juicy details?
Janelle:No, just give the details.
Andrew:Well, yeah.
Janelle:Our rehearsal dinner. Andrew had only been in the picture for like-
Andrew:My dad was a Mr. Universe body builder and he came down my in-laws' stairs toMetallica in his speedo with all of Janelle's aunts and grandmother-
Janelle:Big family, got a big family.
Andrew:... sat there and he did his posing routine.
Janelle:Peeking through their fingers, like covered their eyes, but then peeking through.
Andrew:[inaudible 00:36:59].
Janelle:We talk about this all the time at family gatherings because nobody expected it.
Andrew:I didn't expect it.
Janelle:Well, we knew he was going to.
Andrew:I thought he might have pants on.
Janelle:We thought he'd wear shorts. But no, it was the speedo. So, a little more into Andrew'sbackground, yes, it was a very interesting moment. And anyways, that night my grandmasaid after she overcame the shock, actually she was probably the one cheering him on.But she said, "My one tip is don't go to bed angry." And you guys have heard that. Butguys, I think of that all the time. Have we gone to bed angry? Yes, we have and it sucksand it's bad. But, I feel like it was there's times when you just need a break. But, we'vegone to bed really angry without having any desire to necessarily make it better rightaway. We've just been so frustrated. There's sometimes maybe you just need to go to bedand need a good night's sleep.
Andrew:Yeah, sometimes you're just tired, that's it. And you wake up next day and everything'ssunshine and rainbows.
Janelle:And sometimes we will say, we'll say, "Hey, I just recognize I'm so tired right now. I don'twant to get into an argument. Let's just talk about it tomorrow." But she said that, "Don'tgo to bed angry." We want to say, we feel real strongly in with the exception of differentwork times, like someone works a night shift. But really aim to go to bed at the sametime. I am more of a night owl. Andrew is the early bird. But we go to bed at the sametime together, with very few exceptions. Well, two nights ago, because I accidentally hadgreen tea at 6:00 PM and I couldn't sleep, so I got up for a couple hours. But we go to bedat the same time and it's not always easy because in my mind I'm thinking, "I'm not supertired. I could be up another couple hours. I like to get stuff done at night." But I stop and Imake myself go to bed and it's so much better for us both emotionally, physically,mentally.
Andrew:I'm solar powered. When the sun's up, I get up. It doesn't matter if I had one hour sleep.If I went to bed at five, if the sun's up at six, I'm up. When the sun goes down, I want tochill.
Janelle:So, go to bed together, okay? That's what we're going to leave this with today is go to bedtogether and have that time.
Andrew:I want to add one little bit as well. Make sure you get skin on skin time. I think that'simportant for every couple. There's something, again, it doesn't mean that you're doinganything. It's just to be able to feel each other at a certain level. And maybe that's notimportant for everybody, but I feel like it builds intimacy.
Janelle:#physicaltouch. Love language.
Andrew:Yes, that's right.
Janelle:Yep. I think that's very wise.
Andrew:All right.
Janelle:It's amazing how we will, as moms who have had kids, there's all this talk about thebenefits of skin on skin time right after a baby is born. There's a ton of benefits. Wellguess what? There's also a ton of benefits and research of also having that as couples.And we're not just saying, doing the thing. We're saying-
Andrew:Well, do the thing as well.
Janelle:Well of course. But just to be close and especially if it's been tough. Don't be going to bedin raggedy old pajamas. That's a whole other topic too. I do feel like that's important.
Andrew:I never go to bed in raggedy pajamas.
Janelle:That's very true. Yes, that's very true. You do not. You don't. Yep. So guys, that's it fortoday. We hope this is really helpful. We'd love to hear any other love hacks, things thatyou have brought into your blueprint of marriage that you feel has really been a gamechanger. That you feel has been instrumental in your relationship, things you've learnedalong the way. We've learned a lot of these things the hard way, and so we hope that thisis-
Andrew:A little easier for you guys.
Janelle:A little easier for people along the way. And to take that time to really discover eachother, to schedule in that time together. Serving without expectation, be emotionallyaware and grow in that and go to bed together.
Andrew:Yep. And if you wanted to go deeper more one on one, and that's where coaching comesin and we can help you come up with a game plan, make you look at things in a differentway. I've had people with divorce papers in the house.
Janelle:Yes, you have.
Andrew:Who spouses have contacted me. The spouse that didn't coach and thanking me so muchthat their spouse has become their partner that they always dreamed about, but they neverthought it was with the person they were married to. It is never gone.
Janelle:It's never hopeless.
Andrew:Yeah. If you're out there and you'd like to dive in deeper, reach out and we can tell youwhat coaching would look like. It could be the thing that makes the biggest difference foryou, your kids, your spouse, and maybe future generations too. Because for me, nothing'smore important than making sure I've got a healthy marriage, because that fuels my kids.It fuels my work and it fuels me. Oh, we're holding hands now.
Janelle:I love you.
Andrew:I love you too.
Janelle:Thanks for joining us everybody. Happy New Year!
Andrew:Happy New Year! See you 2022.
Janelle:Yes. All right guys, you asked for homophones. I'm glad you guys are liking these. Theycome up all the time. Here's one that has been continual in our English, well English-American relationship. And that is pawn shops. You guys have seen the pawn shopsaround town, P-A-W-N. The problem is when Andrew says it.
Andrew:Pawn, pawn shop.
Janelle:Okay, there you go. We can just stop right there. I think you guys get it and that's thehomophone that we consistently laugh about. All right.
Andrew:All right, and we did my nephew. My nephew is called Fletcher, my new nephew. Butapparently people were very confused by the name Fletcher. They asked me how to spellit and I had an ER on the end of that and it's still Fletcher.
Janelle:It's Fletcher like an A, not Fletcher, like an ER.
Andrew:Yeah, it's not Fletcher.
Janelle:Fletcher.
Andrew:Fletcher, because that sounds weird. Fletcher.
Janelle:Fletcher.
Andrew:Fletcher.
Janelle:Fletcher. All right.
Andrew:All right.
Janelle:Yeah, see. All right. Hey, love to hear if any of you have some fun homophones that comeup in your relationship, in your multicultural relationships. All right.
Andrew:I'm cultural, wow.
Janelle:You're so cultural.
Andrew:All right. Multicultural?
Janelle:Yes.
Andrew:All right. Bye-bye.
Janelle:Thanks for joining us today, guys. We hope that you can take away something thatinspires you into action, that informs you about an area, whether it's with your health,relationships, with your home, your business, and that also equips you for the journeyahead with family and with business. Thanks for joining us for Love Plus Money. Hey, ifyou haven't already go ahead on over to devlinworldwide.com. You guys can get our freedownload about the five main things that we schedule into our week to be able to dosuccess well, both with family and with business. That is a free resource for you guys.Head on over to give us a review. That would be incredible. Like, share, do all the things.We hope that we can be life giving into your life and speak love also into your business.We're so thrilled for the adventure ahead. See you next time.