Navigating the holiday season post-divorce or separation can often feel like sailing through uncharted waters. But what if you could turn this tumultuous time into a peaceful, fulfilling experience that puts your well-being and the well-being of your family at the forefront? Let's dive into this journey with Life Coach Jen, who will share her personal experiences and provide actionable tips to truly transform your holiday season.
We will delve into the importance of intentional planning, open communication with your ex-spouse, and how to tackle the holidays as co-parents. Jen will guide you on setting realistic expectations for gifts, being honest with your children about financial shifts, and the need to address any lingering negative emotions. It's all about flexibility, grace, and focusing on the feelings you want to harbor during this time. As we conclude, we urge you to share this podcast with others who might find solace in our discussions and join our email list for continued support. Remember, there is no right or wrong way to celebrate - your peace and happiness are the real stars of the show.
Please follow me on instagram and facebook @happilyevenaftercoach and if you want to see what coaching is all about I offer a free 30 min. clarity call via zoom.
Navigating the holiday season post-divorce or separation can often feel like sailing through uncharted waters. But what if you could turn this tumultuous time into a peaceful, fulfilling experience that puts your well-being and the well-being of your family at the forefront? Let's dive into this journey with Life Coach Jen, who will share her personal experiences and provide actionable tips to truly transform your holiday season.
We will delve into the importance of intentional planning, open communication with your ex-spouse, and how to tackle the holidays as co-parents. Jen will guide you on setting realistic expectations for gifts, being honest with your children about financial shifts, and the need to address any lingering negative emotions. It's all about flexibility, grace, and focusing on the feelings you want to harbor during this time. As we conclude, we urge you to share this podcast with others who might find solace in our discussions and join our email list for continued support. Remember, there is no right or wrong way to celebrate - your peace and happiness are the real stars of the show.
Please follow me on instagram and facebook @happilyevenaftercoach and if you want to see what coaching is all about I offer a free 30 min. clarity call via zoom.
Hi, friends, welcome to Happily. Even After I'm Life Coach Jen, a certified life coach that specializes in relationships. I'm a mom of four awesome kids and one amazing senora, a home decorator, a remodeler, a shopper, a scrabler and a snuggler, I want to help you with your relationships, mainly the relationship you have with yourself and your family and God. Thanks for listening and letting me share the tools I have learned that can help you live happily even after some of life's greatest challenges. Hey, friends, welcome to today's podcast. So I was thinking, since the holidays are upon us, we just got done with Thanksgiving, we're approaching Christmas, new Year's, lots of things and I just wanted to talk to you about how to create a peaceful holiday, especially for those of you that are divorced, separated, just have other things in your life to navigate that are different, and so if you aren't, you can still listen and maybe find some help and things that you could do better, especially when you have kids coming in from town that are out of town and you're bringing your family together. I think it can always the possibility of having drama. So to have a drama-free Christmas and have a peaceful experience, and I think the biggest thing is to be intentional and to really think what do you want your holidays to look like? I was thinking back to last year and honestly it was a fog. I really only remember a little bit of my holidays last year and I just think I was just still numb coming out of that, from getting divorced and experience that I think my kids like every first. So if it is your first of being divorced, your first holiday, first Christmas, first Thanksgiving, just give yourself a lot of grace and compassion, because there's going to be lots of high emotion, lots of feelings. It's going to be like okay, dad's not here, it just it's hard, and so just plan for that. Plan for people being moody, for yourself being moody for you need downtime. So I just want you to make sure that you give yourself a lot of grace and compassion and even if you're two years out and you're having a harder time, like I'm so grateful that this year, like I'm so excited for the holidays, like I've already started decorating and getting the Christmas list going and making my plans, because I just feel so much better, and so I just think being intentional is going to create the best holiday experience for you.
Speaker 1:
So decide ahead of time. And for me, my kids are adults, so I don't have to share Christmas. I don't have to share any holidays really. But if you do have to share holidays, I think communication is your biggest friend. So decide what you want, what things are important to you, what holiday programs are important to you, what traditions, what experiences, what family things you really like doing, and communicating them, whether that's through email, through a text, through an actual conversation. I communicate only through text and email with my former spouse, and so if, for me, I decided, okay, this is how I want to do Christmas presents this year, and I mentioned that to him. I'm like this is what I'm doing. And he said great, how about, when you decide what you want to buy, then I'll send him the rest of the list and then he can buy that, whether it's on the kids list or he can do his own thing. But I decided ahead of time like this is how I'm doing Christmas. You can do Christmas however you want, but this is what I'm doing. And I told my kids hey, kids, please make your list, I will let your dad know what I'm buying and then he can choose to buy whatever else or something else that he wants to buy. And everyone seems to be pretty happy and okay with that, and so I like that. I thought about it, I did what works for me and my finances and my schedule and then I presented that plan and he was fine with it. So just pay attention, notice what you want to do, think about it, be ready and then communicate what that is.
Speaker 1:
Now, if you have a parenting plan and it's your Christmas time off, you know you can celebrate Christmas on any day that you want. It doesn't have to be the 25th of December and I think a lot of people get fixated on. Oh my gosh, it's Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and we make such a big deal about it that it like ruins the holidays for everyone and it puts so much pressure on your kids and we all are miserable. So you know you can decide. You know what I'm going to have Christmas December 15th, or I'm going to have it in January. And even if you aren't even divorced and your kids they want to have like if for me, I never wanted to go home for Christmas after I had started having kids because I wanted to have my own Christmas, but maybe I wanted to go visit my parents in January and so then you could have Christmas in January, you can have Christmas in July, it doesn't matter. If you just whatever is important to you, you can create whatever experience you want.
Speaker 1:
So I think getting fixated on dates can be really harmful like just as going to ruin your Christmas and ruin your kids and there's going to be lots of stress. And if you fight about like well, in my family we always do this on Christmas Eve you know what? If it's his family and they have a different tradition, let them do it Like it's not going to hurt anyone. You can do it your tradition when it's your turn, or your tradition another day. So just, I think, get perspective and there isn't a right way or a wrong way to do Christmas.
Speaker 1:
So just be mindful, pay attention to how you feel. How do you want to feel? For me, I like peace. I want to feel happiness and peace during the holidays. What am I going to have to be thinking to feel that way? And so what are you going to have to be thinking to feel the way you want to feel? A lot of times we like to blame our former spouse for making us think and feel things. But it's not them, it's us, so we can control how we think and feel about different situations. And so decide ahead of time how you want to feel and what you want to think. And it's also okay if you get irritated or angry. Just process those emotions, feel it and then move on. Don't hang on to those negative emotions.
Speaker 1:
Look at last year, what went well last year, what went not great last year, and kind of compare and decide okay, this was a great idea For me. I realized like I need to have a few things planned because I have teenagers and young adults. They get bored easily, so I need to have some activities planned ahead of time so that, hey guys remember, on Wednesday we're going to dinner at this restaurant, I have the reservation, I have the event and so they have that to look forward to. Plus, everyone knows that we can't be hanging out with a friend or we can't go skiing that day because mom has dinner planned. Or plan a movie or whatever you want to do. But just plan things. Think about like that was a thing for me that I realized. I'm like, okay, I need to have a few things planned. Or family game night, like, hey, tonight we are all playing games, we're doing a puzzle. We're making some food together, whatever you want to do, but just plan it, have all the ingredients, have the games out, create the atmosphere and mood that you want to have, and I think it's totally possible to do that.
Speaker 1:
Another thing, especially when it comes with gifts like if your financial situation has changed or just different things, and they're used to Christmas one way when you were married. Now it's a little different just be honest with your kids. Let them know, like you don't have to tell them every detail and you don't have to say, well, your dad hasn't paid me child support in five months or whatever. Or you don't have to throw their dad under the bus or their mom, but just be truthful, like, hey, unfortunately this year I can only buy you two gifts and we need to keep it under this amount of money. I love you. I know there are other things you want and need. Hopefully I can get them another time. But just be honest.
Speaker 1:
I think kids appreciate that and they get it. They understand they might be disappointed, but it's okay for our kids to be disappointed. We don't always have to get them everything they want or need and so and then that's a great opportunity. Hey, former spouse. You know the kids. This is really what they want. It's not really in my budget, maybe it's in yours or your parents. There's aunts and uncles, friends, that ask, hey, what can I get your kids? Maybe they could contribute to something. So just be honest with people, as opposed to like, oh, just get them whatever they want, and then they get them something they definitely don't want. Especially if it's your parents Like, just be honest, say, hey, this is exactly what my kids want, and hopefully those parents would be willing to get that. And if not, and they do their own thing, that's okay too. Don't.
Speaker 1:
If your ex behaved a certain way during your marriage like never participated in Christmas or wasn't willing to spend money on the kids or whatever was a jerk, was obnoxious, whatever they were don't expect them to behave differently. I think in our mind we think like, oh, our ex spouse is going to think like we think and behave like we want them to behave. Now, that's not gonna happen. You're just gonna be frustrated if you create that expectation. So just expect that they're gonna be just the same as they were when you were married. And if they were a little better or nicer, like, that's a bonus, right, and so you don't need to like tell them anything, but don't put an expectation that they've changed and they might have, but chances are not, and so just expect them to behave the way they had always behaved and then just go with the flow.
Speaker 1:
So I think always putting our kids first, especially during the holidays, is the number one priority. So talk to your kids. For me my kids are older I can say hey, when do you guys wanna have Christmas with your dad? Okay, talk to your dad, find out when he wants to do it and I'll see you soon figure that out. Great. So if it's they're younger and they don't have that opportunity, and it's you know they're supposed to go to their dads and they don't wanna.
Speaker 1:
Try to encourage, try to be supportive of that and I just think putting your kids first, finding out what their concerns are I think my kids, their biggest concern is hurting my feelings. I'm like no one's gonna hurt my feelings. I have no feelings tied to a date, a moment that you go spend with your dad. So but talk to them about it and find out what their concerns are, what they need, how you can support them and just really be mindful of what you're saying around your kids and it's hard. I, it's so hard, I'm just, I feel it. I feel it because it is hard and especially when one of your exes gets married, in my mind it makes it harder. It just creates a lot of I don't know. For me it just can be tricky, but always focus what's best for my kids and focus on that.
Speaker 1:
Communicate, so communicate, communicate. Communicate that doesn't mean you have to talk to them or call them or you can send an email and if they're like, well, my mom wants us to do this and Aunt Joe and Uncle Bob want this to happen, that's not your problem. You just need to communicate with your former spouse. He can deal with all the drama in his family. You can deal with all the drama in your family, but you're not required to talk to grandma or plan. You just need to talk to your former spouse and figure it out there, and if they aren't willing to, that's on them. That is not your problem. And so communicate what you want. For me, I like to decide what I wanna do and then present the plan, because my former spouse wasn't presenting any plans. So I'm like okay, I'm gonna present the plan and see if they like it. Great, if he wanted to do something else, that would be fine too. But anyways, so communicate, address your negative feelings.
Speaker 1:
Now I don't think you necessarily have to tell your former spouse your negative feelings about them, but talk about them with a coach, with a therapist. Get them out, write them in a journal. If they say something that just irritates you, don't let it fester because that's gonna manifest with your own children or when you do drop off it's gonna show up in a negative way. You're gonna snap at someone at work or your friend or someone that's trying to help you. So really pay attention to how you're feeling. So if you get in a negative spot, try to get that out and release that negative energy out of your body.
Speaker 1:
Stay flexible. I think holidays things always happen. People are late, people forget they bought tickets to something and then they tell you last minute you can decide if you wanna say no. It's okay to say no. You don't have to acquiesce, you don't have to shift around. If it's not your weekend or it is your weekend, you can decide ahead of time if you wanna be flexible, if it's gonna work with your schedule, if you can work it out. So just plan to be flexible, but also it's okay to say no, that does not work for me. I already had planned X, y and Z this weekend, and so you changing the schedule it would really be inconvenient and it's not gonna work for us. So that's not your problem that they forgot, that they bought the wrong weekend of tickets or whatever. So just really be in tune with what you want. And also, I think flexibility, though, is really great, especially during the holidays have a support system, whether that is some friends you can vent to talk to, a coach, a therapist, family members, I think especially I have a lot of widow friends, sadly, and of course I have a lot of divorced friends too.
Speaker 1:
But if you are going to be alone, like it's your you know kids are gonna be gone for two weeks somewhere with their dad and you are alone. Don't stay alone unless you're like have all these fun things planned. Plan ahead, like find people to spend the holidays with, to do something, do something that you've always wanted to do, read a book, go on a vacation, like. I've been thinking about this because my reality is more and more that I'm an empty nester and so it's like, okay, I've got to decide how I want to live my life and what I want to do with it. And if, for whatever reason, my kid said, hey, mom, we're all going to dad's for Thanksgiving or Christmas, I would be like, okay, great, what am I gonna do? Not gonna sit at home and feel sorry for myself. I'm going to make plans. I'm gonna have, I'm gonna figure something else because I chances are you aren't the only one that doesn't have your kids for the holidays. There are other people in your network you can call a family member. Or don't go inward, go outward at that time, because it's gonna be important to connect. Otherwise, you're gonna sit at home and be depressed and probably go down a really bad rabbit hole of negative thoughts, and so that's not gonna be very fun way to spend your Christmas. So really find a good network so that you can have things to be doing and keep yourself occupied and realize that the last tip is nothing lasts forever.
Speaker 1:
I think as your kids grow and develop like eventually my kids are going to have their own kids and it could be I go to one of their houses for Christmas. Like the holidays are ever changing the dynamics. I know there are people I live in Utah that are like nope, the holidays are like this this is how we do Thanksgiving and this is how we do Christmas. Anyone wants to veer. They're gonna be out of the family, basically. So I just would steer clear of that, that way of thinking, in my opinion, because you just everyone. Things change, people move. I have a daughter that lives overseas. It is complicated. I have one that lives in Oklahoma, so to get us all home for Christmas it's expensive and it's a lot of different schedules and who can get off work at this time. So know that eventually every Christmas could look different and that's okay, so you can.
Speaker 1:
There are certain traditions. If you're like, no, I love this tradition, great, keep the tradition until it doesn't work right. And so I just want to encourage you to take control of what you want your holidays to look like and as much control as you can right and communicate with your former spouse so that you can create a plan that's gonna work best for you, because, ultimately, christmas is about our children, right? The holidays, it's family, it's fun, it doesn't need to be stressful, and a lot of the things that I think we think we have to do or we think our kids want chances are. If you ask them, they don't even care, and so put up the tree if you want to put up the tree.
Speaker 1:
If you don't want to put up the tree, don't put up the tree if it's too stressful for you. This year I barely put up our tree last year, like we got it up. We did get a tree up but it was still like we were in boxes, we had just moved. But this year I'm like, oh my gosh, like I'm loving decorating because that's my thing, that's what I like my kids are. They're like, eh, whatever, but for me. I'm doing it for me, not necessarily for them. They, of course, enjoy it. So just do things that are gonna bring you joy and peace during this holiday season, and I promise it's gonna be your best holiday yet if you can let some of the things go and just be flexible, have good communication, put your kids first and create a great support system.
Speaker 1:
So thanks so much for listening. If you've enjoyed this podcast and if you have any friends that are divorced or widowed or could really use this advice, please send them my podcast. Write a review so other people can find it. I would love that. Thanks so much If you want to learn how to live happily even after. Sign up for my email at lifecoachjennwith1ncom. Follow me on Instagram and Facebook at happily even after podcast. Let's work together to create your happily even after.