Unmasking Ourselves: A Deep Dive into Authenticity and The Masks We Wear

Have you ever wondered why we hide behind masks? How these facades, though seemingly harmless, can affect our relationships and self-image? Join me, Life Coach Jen, as we pull back the curtain on this intriguing topic in today's episode. We'll uncover the various masks we often wear, from the bossy to the religious, the indulgent to the busy, and even the desolate. We'll discuss how these masks can conceal our true feelings and emotions, and even touch on the fears and anxieties that lead us to put on these disguises. 

More than just identification, we'll challenge ourselves to see the power and importance of authenticity. We'll delve into why people choose to wear masks, whether it's to hide anger, succumb to societal pressures, or fear of judgment. We'll explore the importance of being true to our authentic selves and being open about our struggles. I promise you, we'll discuss the three faces we all possess - the one we show the world, the one we show our close friends and family, and the one we never show anyone. Our journey doesn't end there; we'll go a step farther to learn how recognizing and revealing our hidden masks can improve our relationships and overall happiness. Remember, once you are real, you cannot become unreal again. So, tune in, embrace your authenticity, and let's learn together how to live happily, even after life's greatest challenges.

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:10

Hi, friends, welcome to Happily. Even After I'm Life Coach Jen, a certified life coach that specializes in relationships. I'm a mom of four awesome kids and one amazing senna. A home decorator, a remodeler, a shopper, a scrabler and a snuggler, I want to help you with your relationships, mainly the relationship you have with yourself and your family and God. Thanks for listening and letting me share the tools I have learned that can help you live happily even after some of life's greatest challenges. Hey, friends, welcome to today's podcast.

Speaker 1: 0:43

So today I'm going to talk about something that I have thought a lot about in my own life. But I went to this amazing retreat in October called Heart of a Woman and it is like a three-day retreat with you staying like a year with 12 other women, and it is beautiful. It's in kind of Huber Valley at this camp site I don't know it's not really camping, but it's just this beautiful lodge and there are about 130 women there and there's lots of different topics that they talk about and different things, and after each discussion, after each topic that is discussed, you have like a 45-minute silent time for yourself that you can journal, you can go pray, you can go outside in nature, go on a walk, and for me, I always like to write because I have lots of thoughts in my head and that I like to get out and I like to kind of think about what I just learned. And so the topic today that we're going to talk about are the masks that we wear. We all wear them. So whether you've experienced betrayal, no matter what, like every person, I think, wears a mask of some sort, and so I'm not going to say it's a bad thing, but just being aware of what mask you're wearing and why you're wearing it is really important. And it's funny because I just got this text. I followed this guy and he sends you motivational texts every day.

Speaker 1: 2:28

It's Corey Mascara, and today he said if you use kindness to mask how you truly feel, your pain will fester beneath the surface and come out in unhealthy ways, creating more long-term issues. So I think sometimes I loved this because we think, okay, as kindness, a mask sometimes it is oh, you have to be kind to them. We should be kind to them. They're your grandparents, they're your parents, they're your siblings, like sometimes we just put this mask of kindness, they're your neighbors, and I'm not saying you should yell at them. We need to be mature and have a healthy conversation. But just to mask things with kindness can be really detrimental, because we're not getting whatever we truly feel out. And of course there's diplomatic and better ways and good ways to say those negative things or even writing them down. But I just thought that was interesting. I'm like, oh, this is going to go perfect with today's topic. So Some of the masks that we talked about, that especially women, I'm gonna say men probably wear them too.

Speaker 1: 3:39

Well, men for sure wear masks, but these are maybe more geared towards women. I don't know, maybe they're unisex, but I think sometimes women become super bossy and like Domineering, and I can see a man having this mask too. But you know the women, they're like. You know, if you're envisioning like a business woman or just a woman that like always has to be Right and is like super organized and everything is in perfect order, everything is controlled, you know super controlling women, I think we can all envision this person. Anyways, what are they masking? Because they are masking something and we're gonna talk about like reasons why we mask. But these are just some different types that I just want you to think about and think about like, what are you, what mask and there's a million more that I'm not gonna say.

Speaker 1: 4:36

But another one is a religious mask. That are a devout Religious person. They're always obedient. They're always perfect. They're making sure that you know they read their scriptures and they go to church every Sunday and they always appear to be perfect. And Men for sure can wear this mask that they have the perfect family, right, the perfect religious family. They're super obedient.

Speaker 1: 5:09

Another mask is the indulgent mask, and I think every human wears this mask. Sometimes they want to indulge in, you know, good food and just watch TV all the time and Shop, or, you know, drink alcohol, look at porn game. We're just indulgent in our life and so we're just masking whatever is going on really inside of us by all these other indulgences. Busy, I think moms are I'm a pro at this one and let's keep so busy with volunteering, with doing all the things, doing all the parties at school, that we are so busy we don't have time to think about what's really going on for us, what's really inside, what's really hurting. I think for years I wore this mask of busy and it's very empty and lonely. But I'm busy and so I look productive and I look like I'm doing great right.

Speaker 1: 6:16

Just a desolate, empty mask that you're just a shallow Not a shallow person, but you're just empty inside, maybe depressed, like someone that's sick all the time and in bed. And just this mask of a A desolate, and that's what they called it. I don't know if that's a good word, but anyways. So these are some masks that we wear, right, and sometimes we might wear all of them. Some of us are pros at wearing two or three. It's a really pain, attention, and I think some of the reasons why we wear masks are there's good reasons and bad reasons, right.

Speaker 1: 6:56

A lot of times we have a lot of fear. What if someone really knew who I was? What if they really knew what my marriage was like? What if they really knew what my kids were doing? What if they really knew my husband? So we have a lot of fear, a lot of anxiety. Okay, our world is full of anxiety right now. What are we anxious about? And you know what if that really let me be super busy, so I can just mask my anxiety by being busy. What if they wouldn't like me? Or what if I wasn't accepted? Because, who knows what? We've created something, so we have to wear this mask so that someone likes us and is accepting of us, and so that can cause lots of problems, especially when you're just pretending right. We don't want to be vulnerable. I think this is a huge problem in our society because we don't want to share how we're really feeling. So let's just mask and not and just pretend right and not really tell the truth.

Speaker 1: 8:06

We really are sad and depressed and somehow we have thought like that's a weakness. Of course every human gets sad. Every human gets depressed. It isn't a weakness, it's just part of life, it's part of being a human. Some of us and I remember actually having this experience when we started making kind of more money, I would say, than the average person in my neighborhood we lived in Sugar House and we were going on a cruise and I remember I couldn't, like I was so excited I'd never been on a cruise before, I wanted to tell people. And then I remember telling someone and almost like I felt like they were so negative, like anyways. So then I just was like okay, I'm not gonna ever talk about that, because I didn't feel safe, I didn't feel comfortable, right, and that's a lot of times.

Speaker 1: 8:59

Why we wear masks is because we don't feel safe, we don't feel okay because of an experience or whatever, and so it's perfectly understandable why we do this To deceive. You've heard the term a wolf in sheep's clothing, and it's true. There are people, there are deceivers out there. I mean, there's a lot of people that have deceived, like other people. They have like stolen money, they have lied and gotten you know lots of things. I mean, I think some of our spouses, if you've experienced betrayal, are deceivers, right, they've portrayed themselves one way and then they are living a double life in another way. So we wear a mask, right, those people are wearing a mask and chances are, the people that they're hurting are also wearing a mask because they're like, oh my gosh, like I'm not ready to acknowledge this might be true.

Speaker 1: 9:58

We wear a mask to hide our anger. People and, I think, women, unfortunately we've been taught it's not okay for a woman to be angry. That is a lie, and it is okay to be angry. It's totally normal. It's one thing if you're outwardly yelling and screaming at someone, but to feel angry is 100% legitimate. Okay. There are times that we need to feel angry and get that emotion out of our body. So sometimes we wear a mask like, oh, everything's fine, I'm like the perfect, I'm finer, oh, I'm fine. I've said that so many times in my life and I'm like just broken inside for one reason or another and so just know that it's okay to be angry. It's a manipulation tool, right? I mean, that's how these child predators are, and they manipulate. They wear a mask. They're gonna be super nice to get what they want, right, and so to manipulate what you're doing. So there's probably lots of other reasons why people wear masks. These are just some that I thought of.

Speaker 1: 11:08

The Japanese have this saying they say that we have three faces. One, the first face you show the world, which I think is true. Like, how we present ourselves to the world is one way. The second face you show your close friends and your family, and a lot of times I experienced this like, oh my gosh, I can't believe you and your husband got divorced. You guys were such an amazing couple. Okay, yeah, I guess, like to the world, we were an amazing couple. But to each other and our family, like, no, we had a lot of hurt and pain and lies, and so what? We show our family right, and you hear of those people like they're so great and then they're beating the crap out of their kids or their wife or saying horrible things to them. It's like they have a world persona of who they are and then they have their home of who they probably really are and then the last face that the Japanese say that we have is you never show anyone. It is the truest reflection of who you are. So a lot of times I think we think if someone really knew me they wouldn't like me.

Speaker 1: 12:26

But I would encourage us all to find out what is our true self, who we are, and it's okay to show the world. That's what the world wants is our true, authentic self. And I've had to learn this, especially in the past five years, because I became so disconnected and so out of alignment with my true self that it was like at first I didn't notice it, because it happens right, gradual. But once I started noticing it I was so out of alignment that now that I'm in alignment I can feel when I just get off a little bit right and so I can easily bring myself back. So it is possible to become your true self, be in alignment with yourself and show that to the world, as well as your family and your friends and to yourself.

Speaker 1: 13:21

Now, we're not perfect at this all the time. Right, we're gonna all make mistakes or all have shame or embarrassment and show up in a really negative way sometimes. But if we can figure out what is your alignment, what are your true values, you're going to not have to wear that mask as much as you did before. So a lot of times, what masks, other masks are we showing to our family and friends? We say you know that I'm in charge, that would be more dominant, I'm fine, I'm happy. But really the truth is that you're brokenhearted inside or you're sad, and I think the gift that you can give yourself is being able to honor your true self as well as the person you want to be Like. You know what I'm really struggling right now and I don't wanna go into details about this, but I really wanna show up and do this activity or whatever. I wanna volunteer and do this. But just know I'm really struggling, like, say the whole truth.

Speaker 1: 14:26

And I know I've talked about this so many times because it's so powerful, because a lot of times we say yes to something or we, you know, oh, we gotta accept that calling because the bishop asked us, or whatever we've gotta do this or that, but we're not really feeling it inside. But speaking our truth and getting good at doing that is gonna give the other person a perspective and they might be like, oh okay, I didn't know that was going on with you. Let me think about this again. Or you know what Actually, like as you talk about it. You know what I think that would be really good for me. I could accept that calling or I could do that activity or whatever it is, or a job assignment or a promotion, whatever you're dealing with. So, just if you can get in tune with really what you're feeling inside and create that and be honest with the person that's asking something of you or that you're just presenting to, especially with your friends, like, yeah, I'm just not feeling it today or whatever, and you don't even have to explain your reasons why, but know your reasons for yourself, right? If you're the person that goes into like I'm not good enough, I'm useless, I'm in pain, I'm feeling really anxious, if you're gonna go the negative route, what are you hiding? What are you hiding from? Like, really get curious with yourself. Maybe you really are struggling, but maybe you're coming from a place of fear? What are you afraid of? Just ask yourself questions, get curious, because there is something deeper underneath all that pain and once you discover it, you can heal and become your authentic self.

Speaker 1: 16:13

A lot of times we wear these masks because we don't want judgment from our family or friends or societal pressures or religious pressures. Paying attention and being aware of like oh I really. I always wear a mask when I go visit my family and if you do it a lot of times, it's for protection, right? You don't feel safe to show your true self and so you're going to mask up, which is perfectly understandable and okay. I would encourage you to try to find times and opportunities to be your true, authentic self and you're going to get more comfortable at doing that and realizing if you love you, it's okay. If the other person doesn't like you, it's okay if they don't understand you. But I know that takes a lot of work and energy and a lot of time to get to that headspace. But just pay attention. This is why we wear masks and Follie. I just want you to understand and be aware of what mask you might be wearing.

Speaker 1: 17:15

But the real idea I think of creating connection is vulnerability. So if you can learn how to be vulnerable. At moments when you feel safe. It can be so empowering and so connecting and such a beautiful thing in your life and you can become really connected to yourself as well as other people. So I think giving yourself the gift of vulnerability is such a great thing.

Speaker 1: 17:47

My brother who passed away I've talked about him before, justin his favorite book was the Velveteen Rabbit, and it is a book about a rabbit that becomes real and he becomes real because of the love of this little boy that it was given to the little boy and he loves it so much that the rabbit becomes real, and I think it's such a great metaphor for the value of authenticity and vulnerability. It tells that we can become real through our openness and maybe it's time that we become real through the love and acceptance of ourselves. So a lot of times we wear a mask because we're so worried about if other people will accept us. But what if we can learn to accept ourselves and love ourselves? That's when we become real. Then we can connect on a deeper level with other people.

Speaker 1: 18:45

So I just think it would be so amazing if we could all, of course, let down our masks, and some people are going to surprise you like, oh, that was what was underneath. I actually liked you with the mask. It's possible, right, but that's okay, they're not for you. But then there's some people that you're like, oh my gosh, I had no idea what was under that mask. You seem so hard and crunchy and gruffy and mean, but really you're this amazing person. You were just hiding under this negative persona for protection, right? So it's just something to think about.

Speaker 1: 19:26

Become aware of, notice what mask you're wearing, and you might be able to identify this in your kids, your spouse, your friends. But really focus on yourself. What masks and why are you hiding? What are you hiding from? What are you scared about? What are you really wishing that someone knew about you and try to find safe places to share that. And once you are real, you can't become unreal again, but last for always, and that is in the Velveteen rabbit. So, anyways, thanks so much for listening today. Have a great day and I will talk to you later. If you want to learn how to live happily even after, sign up for my email at lifecoachgenwith1ncom. Follow me on Instagram and Facebook at Happily Even After podcast. Let's work together to create your Happily Even After.