Navigating Divorce: The Fear of Divorce and New Beginnings

As the frost of January chills the air, many couples face the thaw of once-warm relationships, prompting a surge in separations. I, Life Coach Jen, am no stranger to this season of change, having navigated my own divorce with its rollercoaster of emotions and fears. In the heart of this conversation, we'll travel through the landscape of divorce, armed with the wisdom from Jill Coils's revelatory book, "No One Dies from Divorce." Our journey will also include a candid look at the process of conscious uncoupling, as we learn to treat the end of a marriage with the practicality it requires—sparing our emotional and financial resources by keeping our legal advisors focused on negotiations, not consolations.

Transformations await as we explore the rebirth of self and relationships in the aftermath of a marital split. I'll share the metamorphosis from obligation to empowerment, illustrating how we can author a new chapter in our narrative, distinct from the roles of spouse or parent we once performed. We'll uncover the art of finding common ground for successful co-parenting and discuss the magnetic pull of new dreams, opportunities, and identities that beckon us forward. And as we step out into the social arena once again, we'll embrace the exhilaration of making new connections, discovering joy, and writing our own stories of fulfillment. Join me as we turn the page to find companionship and hope in life's next chapter.

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:10

Hi, friends, welcome to Happily. Even After I'm Life Coach Jen, a certified life coach that specializes in relationships. I'm a mom of four awesome kids and one amazing senora, a home decorator, a remodeler, a shopper, a scrabler and a snuggler, I want to help you with your relationships, mainly the relationship you have with yourself and your family and God. Thanks for listening and letting me share the tools I have learned that can help you live happily even after some of life's greatest challenges. Hey, friends, welcome to today's episode. So most of you know, and I've talked about this before, but January is the most popular time of year to get divorced, and so I just thought, hey, I might as well, since I am divorced, talk about this subject again, because I feel like, as I get further away from my divorce, like just how much healthier I'm becoming and I realized how much fear I had of getting divorced, like my worst case scenario. It was just so terrible, right, and I know a lot of other women, men have such fear around divorce. So we're like, okay, let's live in this miserable marriage and stay there, because we're so fearful. And I, of course, had a lot of religion, thoughts and beliefs tied, I think, to my marriage and getting divorced and a lot of like just beliefs that I thought, like you get married forever and you don't get divorced. So I'm going to talk about that and share some different thoughts I had that I've said from other podcasts and in my show notes I'm going to reference, because I have four other podcasts that I've talked about divorce, and so I'm going to kind of reference a few of them as well as so you can go back and listen to them. They're kind of interesting. So in 2018, I hired an attorney. Her name was Jill Coyle and she wrote a book that says the title is no One Dies from Divorce, and I think, when we're thinking about divorce, it feels like we're going to die and, in a way, our family does. It's like the family as we know it is no longer in existence and so that kind of feels like a death. You definitely have to grieve your divorce. If you don't, you're going to have problems later on. But anyways, I really liked this book and so I'm going to share a few things that I've learned from it.

Speaker 1: 2:50

But I wanted to say a few things. So I hadn't listened to many of my episodes. You know I don't usually listen. I'll listen to the episode after I record it, but I don't go back and listen to my episodes. But I was like, oh, I think I want to listen to all my episodes I did on divorce so I can kind of see my journey, and that was really interesting. And so the first one I did was in 2021.

Speaker 1: 3:18

And, if you don't know this, I used to do this podcast with my former spouse and so this one we actually did together and I do not like to listen to those podcasts because you know, it just it feels fake and phony and it just brings up a lot of feelings. But I listened to it and it actually I was like, oh, wow, and the dynamic of it was just so interesting because I felt very authentic in that episode and what I said I believed. But knowing now what I didn't know then he was not, and so I just was like, oh, interesting. And you know, then the next one I talk about conscious and coupling and that is a great book. I reference this book that I read and I just remember thinking, as I'm listening to this class name, my former spouse never read the book, right, I was thinking, oh yeah, we're doing this conscious and coupling together. Oh no, I was doing the conscious and coupling and I also realized that I was in I've talked about this with our nervous system. I was in the freeze part of my nervous system. I was frozen, I was in survival mode and so I will do anything right to whatever you want me to do. This is what I'm doing because I was so desperate and thinking like, oh yeah, we can get divorced, but we can still have like Sunday dinner together and go on vacations Like that was my thinking at the time.

Speaker 1: 5:07

Right, and before I go off totally on that tangent, the best advice that I'm gonna give you if you are considering getting divorced or if you're going through a divorce, is take the emotion out of your divorce and I know that sounds contradictory, because I'm always like feel your emotions. You need to feel all your feelings to heal. Yes, you do, but not during your divorce. First of all, it's gonna cost you a lot of money because guess who you're gonna wanna tell all your thoughts and feelings to. You're gonna wanna tell that to your attorney. Trust me, your attorney does not care about what he's texted you, who he's having sex with, how many afferences he's had. None of that. How you feel about it. That is not what they're trying to do. So you're gonna spend a lot of money because they charge by like every seven minutes, so it's gonna cost you a lot of money to have your lawyer as your therapist not a good idea? Hire a coach or a therapist to do that, to share all your feelings with.

Speaker 1: 6:19

But in your divorce, take all emotion. Treat it like a business transaction. This is your livelihood. You are gonna split your money, your assets and if you have a lot, that is important. And so I really I'm so grateful that I, for whatever reason and it's probably because I was stuck and freeze and in shock that, oh my gosh, my husband's having another affair and what we? Just we were working on our marriage and now we're getting divorced, and so I think that probably was good for me. I just probably was focused on okay, I've gotta take good care of my family and anyways. So just if you can take your emotion out of it, treat it like a business deal, you can deal with all the emotional stuff after the divorce is final. So don't use your lawyers as your therapist, and I would also say, don't use your ecclesiastical leaders as your therapist. Either they are not trained to be that. Okay, they are gonna sit there and listen to you, but you need someone that actually can help you heal emotionally from your divorce. So treat it like a business transaction and I promise you your divorce could be super easy. I know when you have kids it can be complicated, but it doesn't have to be complicated. We make it complicated when we bring the emotion into it. So, anyways, back to conscious uncoupling.

Speaker 1: 7:54

You know, in my world at that moment, and if you listen to that podcast, my voice is super shaky. I think I'm just like, as I listened to myself, I'm like, wow, I was very numb and so I didn't understand. You know, in my pretend world, I was thinking, oh yeah, we're gonna have Christmases together and Thanksgiving's, but then my former spouse married his affair partner and I'm like, wait a second, that is never happening because I respect myself too much, I don't need a relationship with you and I definitely don't need a relationship with her. And luckily, my kids are adults and so they can have whatever relationship they want with their dad and her. And so I just realized in my mind I think it was a way like that got me through the divorce.

Speaker 1: 8:50

But now I know like no, I can choose whatever relationship I want and I don't need to feel obligated or like that's the right thing to do or whatever. If I wanted to, great. But I also don't have to be angry or I really feel very neutral about my ex husband. Now I don't ever have to see him if I don't want to, which is great. So you can decide like I think if you have little kids it might be different, you're gonna have to see them, but for me I feel very lucky that I don't have to have that in my life. And so if I just want to say, if I came across like, oh, we just had this beautiful, conscious, uncoupling divorce, that's probably not true and I listened to everything I said in there and I liked everything I said, but that aspect of it I don't agree with anymore, because the thing is, when you are especially dealing with trauma and betrayal, now that I'm healing from that, I just can feel differently and more empowered, and that's not how I want my divorce life to look like.

Speaker 1: 10:11

So in the book she talks about lots of things and I just there's some quotes that I wanna read and kind of expound on them. But one says even if you and your ex don't agree on anything, I bet you can both agree on this statement. I just want my children to succeed, and I definitely think this is so true and, as I've seen so, my kids are all young adults when it's married. And so, watching me have conversations with my children and knowing that their dad is having conversations with them, he wants what's best for them, just like what I want what's best for them, and so I think having that common ground can be really powerful. And you don't have to necessarily agree with whatever they're saying, and they don't have to agree with what you're saying, but you know that at least they're trying to help their children and want them to succeed, and I definitely I think just having that thought, even if they're doing things that you don't agree with, it's like they're doing the best they can. I really always tell myself that they're doing the best they can and that gives lots of freedom and peace to be like you know what. I'm doing the best I can, and I don't always do it right and I make mistakes and that's okay. So just having different thoughts to think, because sometimes we just get so hung up on they're doing it wrong, you know whatever. And so I think knowing like especially if you have children, like they love their children and it might look different, their love might look different than your love, and that's okay, getting through your divorce is like giving yourself a blank slate. This is the time to start dreaming again and to make those dreams happen.

Speaker 1: 12:07

And I have felt this so much during my divorce because I really spent a lot of my life trying to manage my family, my former spouse, my kids, unknowingly mostly, and also just being the mom, and I just never created my own identity. And now I love that I get to be whatever I want and do whatever I want. Like that's one of my favorite parts of divorce. I'm like I don't know if I could get remarried because I'm really loving just doing whatever the heck I want and who knows, but anyways, I just I love that. I love my kids, like I just feel a lot more freedom and space and I, of course, you know, don't like leave and don't tell anyone where I'm going, but I just I feel it's just this I get to do whatever I want, I get to go and just be who I want to be, create what I want to be, and I really loved that.

Speaker 1: 13:11

And I think, women, a lot of times we hold ourselves back. We don't give ourselves permission to do that, and so if you are experiencing divorce or you know someone that is, just allow, it's okay. You don't have to do things the same way as you did them before. You can do things different and no one's checking to see if you do the dishes. And it's okay if you don't do them for a few days If you're doing something that really is exciting, like find what lights you up. I bizarrely love doing puzzles and I've been doing lots of puzzles. They've been really relaxing and healing for me and taking time and space to spend time with me and getting to know me. I think it's so important.

Speaker 1: 13:56

The last one I'm gonna share is divorce is the perfect opportunity for you to regain focus and to recognize you are worthy and deserving of creating opportunities for yourself. I think so often in marriage like sadly, like we don't give each other space and opportunity. We kind of forget that we're two unique human beings and it's like, no, we have to be one. Well, that can be a problem sometimes, right, and especially if the one is having an affair on the side with another one. That's a real problem and it can create a lot of negativity and hurt in a marriage. And I'm not saying that you can't repair from that. But it's gonna take a lot of work and it's gonna take both of you to do the work.

Speaker 1: 14:43

But if you do end up getting divorced, there are opportunities out there that you might not even know about Giving yourself permission to try new things, to explore new things, to meet friends, to get connected. I love one thing I started doing because I miss going out to dinner with people. Like I went out a lot with my former spouse, we went to dinners, we went to plays, we did a lot of things, and so I just have made, intentionally, decided like, okay, I'm buying tickets and then inviting friends and this past year I just invite widows or other divorced women or married friends of mine, and we've had so much fun and I've gotten to know just a whole new group of women on just a totally different level and it's been really powerful for me and just stepping out of my comfort zone a little bit has given me the opportunity to connect with a whole new world that I didn't even know existed and I didn't ever feel like I had the opportunities to do that and I'm so grateful for that. So just know, if you are experiencing divorce, if you have been divorced, if you're struggling in your divorce, you can always decide to switch something up, change it, do something different. For sure, go through the grief process.

Speaker 1: 16:07

I talk about that in one of my episodes. You have to grieve the divorce and for me, I'm on the forgiveness end and the letting go and I'm really feeling like kind of there Because I just don't have this heaviness anymore about my former spouse. I don't have this need to. I Don't know how to describe it, but just working on it. So, whether you're at the beginning stages, if you've been divorced ten years and you're like something's got to change, you have all that power. You get to choose how you want to live in your divorce and I know before I'm like, oh yeah, with our grandkids and stuff, and I think the way it's gonna look. For me it's like, okay, you go see him that week and I'll go the next week. We don't need to be all together like we're gonna have. If you want to have Christmas with the kids on Christmas, okay, I'll have Christmas the next week, like we don't need to be together. That's. That's just not how I want to do Christmas. I don't want to spend my Christmas with you and your wife. That's not gonna feel good to me.

Speaker 1: 17:10

So I think creating that and I think your kids, giving them a buy-in, especially when they're older, let them know what they want, what they feel comfortable with, and that's really important to acknowledge their needs and their wants and desires. And, as they get older, from when they were younger, if they start asking questions about, hey, why did you and dad really get divorced? Be honest with them. Honesty is so important because kids see things, they feel things, they know things. So the more you can be honest, the better, because they're gonna build that trust. Even if what you have to say feels painful or like that's gonna hurt and I don't want them to know that about me our Kids know that we're human. They need to understand we're human. Humans make mistakes and it's gonna give them permission to say, oh, dad was honest with me, mom was honest with me when I make a mistake. I think I can be honest with them and they're gonna love me no matter what. So I think that's such a good lesson to teach your kids.

Speaker 1: 18:18

So, if you are experiencing divorce. I'm gonna share my past divorce podcasts in the show notes and so you can go listen to those. Anyways, thanks so much for listening. If you need anything at all, I'd love to help you. I'd love to guide you. I have a program that I'm offering it's a six month program to work with me. I'm only accepting 10 Women into this program, so it's gonna be a one-on-one Scenario, but very exclusive, because I want to give you the attention that you need so that you can heal from the infidelity and your divorce if you got divorced or to heal your marriage. Anyways, thanks so much for listening and have a great day. If you want to learn how to live happily even after, sign up for my email at hello at life coach Jen with one end Dot com. Follow me on Instagram and Facebook at happily even after coach. Let's work together to create your Happily even after you.