S4 E2: Healing and Overcoming Trauma with Kelly Scroggins-Powell

In this poignant episode, Candace and her guest, Kelley, bravely open up about their experiences of abuse and the journey towards healing. Both women share their stories of resilience and hope, emphasizing the importance of speaking out and finding a supportive community.

Kelley candidly recounts her childhood experiences, from facing abuse to her struggle with addiction, and how she found healing through faith and community support. Candace shares her own journey of forgiveness and reinvention after seeking closure from her abuser.

Tune in to this powerful conversation about resilience, healing, and the reminder that healing is possible, even after enduring trauma.

Episode Highlights:

07:49 - Latchkey Kids: "And so, I think my first encounter, my first memory, you know, back in the day, there were these kids that they called latchkey kids."

41:49 - Healing from Childhood Trauma: "God gave me a glimpse of his childhood, how he had been abused, How he had been raised to believe, to think, how he was just reenacting what was done to him. And honestly, he did the best he could with what he had. And then God, in his infinite mercy, allowed me to remember All the wonderful things that man did for me."

51:37 - The Power of Redemption: "The strength of God did not allow what was meant to destroy me, destroy me. And so then he took it and he allowed me to use it to help other people. Who would have thought that my pain would have had so much purpose?"

Contact Info:

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Transcript

Candace (Host) 0:10

Welcome to Unspoken Conversations with Candace, where we talk openly about taboo topics in order to spark difficult and uncomfortable conversations, where we allow a safe place for anyone who has had trauma to be heard. Unspoken Conversations with Candace is about speaking your truth by using your voice because you matter. Welcome to another episode of Unspoken Conversations with Candace. Today is Self-Care Saturday, and we are in my home studio here in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. And I believe in divine design. I believe in divine connections, that God always puts the right people at the right time in your path. And I'm so honored to have Kelly Scroggins in my studio today. Thank you for being here today.

Kelly (Podcast Guest) 1:13

Candace, thank you for having me.

Candace (Host) 1:15

Absolutely. So I'm gonna so what I like to do is whenever I start my show, you know, I always want to introduce you to our listeners here, give them a little bit of background, you know, how we were, how we connected, and then um then we'll kind of get into your story. So again, I'm excited. So let me introduce you to our amazing listeners out there. So Kelly is a minister, a visionary leader, community activist, and entrepreneur. She is a passionate, multifaceted woman who possesses a diverse skill skill set utilized in both the private and public sector. As a successful entrepreneur for more than 15 years, she owns and operates several successful companies, including a TNT Multiservices, Car Excellence Adult Family Home, Kelly's Consulting Services, and is responsible for the successful startup of many businesses and nonprofit organizations. Amazing. She is a woman of great faith and is fueled by God's demonstration of transformative and restorative power in her life. In 2006, she founded Restoration Ministries, a holistic faith-based organization that aids individuals and families disrupted by substance abuse, poverty, trauma, and other social ills. Through signature women's empowerment events such as the Restoration Conference, SOS, Supporting Our Sisters, Empowerment Sessions, Vision for You Brunch, and Community Service such as food pantries, back to school rallies, and holiday giveaways, Kelly has created avenues within communities to tangibly sew into the hearts of many in hopes that they know the genuine love of God, which I just that's so amazing. As a staunch proponent for justice and advocacy, she co-founded Racine Women for Racial Justice and currently serves as the agency's executive director. In this role, she married her purpose of empowering women to her passion for a just and equitable society by encouraging women to raise their voices and use their collective power to bring racial healing and transformative change. Uh may think. Mic drop, please. So so Kelly, you know, we got connected um back in May. May 10th was the date that we were both asked to participate in a leadership panel in racing for Ray Mac for their program. And um I remember you, you kinda you and I were chuckling because of the time. Like you're like, oh my goodness, like I almost was late, or something was telling you. And and right away you mainly spoke about your faith and and there was something speaking to you. And I I just I'll never forget that. So I'm so glad that we connected that we're here and that you're gonna be able to share your story because when I opened up and shared my story, we both had a conversation and here we are. Here we are to talk about those stories. And we met for coffee. Yes, we did at the main project cafe in Racine. Shout out to DeAndre for his coffee shop. Um, and shared my book with you. And um, here we are. Yeah, so uh so welcome to the show.

Kelly (Podcast Guest) 4:15

Hey, thanks for having me. Glad to be here. Uh, like you said, I I definitely feel that it was divine connection. You know, I'm not one for believing in coincidences or circumstances. So I know that it was uh it was meant to be. It was meant to be for you and I to know each other and even meant for us to be here in this space together.

Candace (Host) 4:34

And this is a safe space. So, you know, when I created, so when I wrote the book Unspoken, um, and then I created this podcast, it's really that's what I wanted was a safe place for anyone who's had trauma, you know, to come in, just talk about their trauma, talk about their truth, because through your stories, through our stories, and this divine connection, right? We can influence and someone can listen to this podcast and it can forever change their life, save their life. Absolutely. Because in dark times, sometimes people feel there is no hope and and they do the unthinkable. Um, I know I thought about that at the age of 15. Um, but yeah, so please um let's talk about your story.

Kelly (Podcast Guest) 5:13

Wow, my story. You know, even when you say that, um, Candace, I didn't even know I had a story. You know, I just thought I had this crazy life. Um, so I don't really know where to begin, you know, when I talk about my story. Um, I guess I'll start with my family, you know. Um, I am the love child of my mother and my father. Um, my mother had had, um uh, she had lost a daughter prior to me at an older sister. And so my mother desperately wanted another baby. And so here came along Kelly. And I kind of only say that because my mother lived all of her life loving on me. And if there was one thing that I knew, I knew my mom loved me, right? And so I was just um, I was a love child. And so um, I used to tell people that I had this great upbringing because what I realized after years of therapy is that that is the only part of my memory that my brain would allow me to remember. So I would tell stories like I had this great upbringing. I lived in a two-parent home. Both of my parents were gainfully employed. I was educated in private schools, my parents owned their own home, their own car. Like I had this great life, right? Wrong. Wrong. You know, because there were things happening in my family that outside of the doors, outside of the home, and outside of the image, no one knew.

Candace (Host) 6:44

And that's common for a lot of families. So, you know, you um I remember being told what happens in this house stays in this house.

Kelly (Podcast Guest) 6:51

Absolutely. Absolutely.

Candace (Host) 6:52

You don't air out your dirty laundry.

Kelly (Podcast Guest) 6:54

You know, and then there were things that um happened outside of the house that I didn't even know how to give voice to. You know, how do you say some of the things that I encountered? There were no words for it, right? And so I lived much of my life. Um, I I realized that I learned how to wear a mask. Uh I uh and I learned how to do that early. And so, yeah, so I I did have a wonderful life. I grew up in the church, and my mother was very active in the church, and so God is definitely a strong part of my life. I love God, I love the church and the word of God. Uh, but I came to find out at some point in my life that all of that, Candace, just wasn't enough to save me from the boogeyman.

Candace (Host) 7:39

Did you have more than one boogeyman in your life?

Kelly (Podcast Guest) 7:42

Yeah, I had boogey men and a boogey woman. You know, yeah. And so um, I think my first encounter, my first memory, um, you know, back in the day, there were these kids that they called latchkey kids. And so I was a latchkey kid because both of my parents worked and I was the only child for like nine years. And so my mom and I had this routine where I we would get up in the morning and she would set my bowl of cere on the table and, you know, give me all the instructions, what time to leave the house, set the alarm clock. She would head off to work about six o'clock, and I would leave about 7:30, lock the door behind me, go to the neighborhood school, which was just blocks away from me, and I would go to school. And then when school was out, I would come home to an empty house, you know, uh eat a sandwich, peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and wait about an hour or so until mom and dad came home. And that went on for most of my life, but then over a period of time, my mom's role and her job changed, and she began to get stuck or was now called forced at work, and she couldn't get off because she didn't have a relief. So then she started bringing in babysitters.

Candace (Host) 8:55

Okay.

Kelly (Podcast Guest) 8:55

Yeah. And she started bringing in babysitters that she knew that I knew, people that we knew their families and we socialized, and some of them even went to church with us. So, you know, my mom loving me the way that she did Candace, she thought she was leaving me in very loving, capable hands, you know.

Candace (Host) 9:15

And uh and they say that those um, you know, when we talk about abuse, you know, the unspoken, right? Um, it's those that we trust um use their position of power or trust with within our family units. And those are the ones that end up hurting us. Absolutely.

Kelly (Podcast Guest) 9:33

Because my mom would have never left me with a stranger or anyone that she thought would have dared to harm me. And that's what's kind of hard about, you know, even raising children today, thinking, you know, we often think that the abuser is someone that's gonna jump out the bush, you know, uh somebody's gonna snatch you, get one in out of your car. But oftentimes it's the people that are very, very close to us. So um I had my first encounter with sexual uh abuse as a child when I was about six years old. I was six years old and it was with a female babysitter. And I remember um laying on a cold floor, and um I believe that is when I learned how to disassociate. What was happening and occurring. Absolutely. I laid on a cold floor, I stared at us at the ceiling, and I found one place in that ceiling to focus my attention on. And I laid there and I stared, and I just stared so long that it almost felt like I left the room, left the experience, you know. Um, and and and that's kind of what happened. And um, I remember thinking, though, in that moment, you know, Candace, I was wise long before I knew I was wise. And as things were happening to me in that moment, I looked at the perpetrator's face and I could tell that she was looking for a reaction. She was doing it to hurt me, and she wanted to see if what she was doing was hurting. And something about me was determined not to let her know that she was hurting me. And so at six years old, I just kind of fixed my face and laid there and stared and endured. I didn't cry, I didn't scream out for help. I just laid there, you know. Um, and that was my first experience.

Candace (Host) 11:20

Can I ask a question? So did that did that babysitter, was it uh any time she did babysit, it was a continual, did it continue all the time?

Kelly (Podcast Guest) 11:29

No, it was just the one it was just that one time. Okay, and you know what I think, and I really believe Candace now and learning what I've learned over the years, I think it was because she did not get the reaction that she wanted. Okay. I do believe she wanted um to see fear. I do believe she wanted me to cry and know that she was hurting me. And because I didn't give her that, I don't think it was anything in it for her, and she didn't try it again.

Speaker 11:57

Wow, wow.

Candace (Host) 11:58

So, you know, the whole one occurrence and then it never happened again. You know, I don't I never really knew that experience. Um, you know, my I was abused at the age of five by my uncle. Um, it was more grooming, you know, giving me compliments, um, and then, you know, touching my hair and then sit on my lap, getting comfortable with those types of movements. And then it was, you know, his hand penetrating into my pants, or like, you know, and then telling me that I was okay, don't move, all those things, right? That you experience. And I just remember remember the, you know, when I was writing the pages in my book and that occurrence in the infamous TV room is what I call it. I don't ever remember leaving. I hear that a lot by other survivors where they leave. I just remember going, why isn't anyone checking on me? Why the door slowly shut or the door, why isn't you know, and I could hear the adults in the other room, you know, but it's like you never forget those memories. And then you describe the cold floor and you described, you know, in at six, at five, we're very resilient already. Like, and and I think that's what gives us the strength to do what we do. Yeah, absolutely in this moment.

Kelly (Podcast Guest) 13:05

Absolutely. And I and again, I I did not know the strength that I had. I learned how strong I am in therapy, you know, talking to my therapist. Um, but you know, also that was the moment that I kind of learned how to separate myself from situations, but it was also the moment my first encounter with shame. Shame and guilt and fear. Absolutely. And so I don't really remember when it ended, but I remember thinking immediately, oh my God, my mom is on her way home. And if she finds out, I'm going to be in trouble. And I don't know why I thought that, because I knew that my mom loved me so much that if she had an idea that anybody did anything to me, it would be death for them. But for some reason, it made me feel like I had done something wrong. And so I took my little six-year-old self and ran in the bathroom, Candace, and fixed myself up and wiped my face. And I was pos I positioned myself in the same space that I would be in when my mom walked in the door. And when she came in and she said, Hey, baby, and I said, Hey, Ma. She said, How was your day today? I said, Oh, it was good. And we just carried on, and I just carried on as if nothing ever happened. And I gotta say, Candace, I lived my whole life like that, as if nothing happened. Um, and so I wish I could say that was the only um time in my life that um I was sexually abused. She did it once, um, but then there came a time in my life where there was a very, very loved family member um that started um, as you say, grooming me when I was probably about nine years old. But it was a different type of grooming. It wasn't the kind where I received compliments and um niceties. It was one where I was always, always um punished, always ridiculed, always ostracized. And um, he went to great lengths to make sure that the rest of the family had a negative view of me. So, you know, and our family, you know, we were taught to be respectful little kids. So to have a reputation of being a disrespectful little girl who talks back and doesn't obey her elders. Oh, that was that was no, you know. And so he would spin these stories about me when my mom wasn't around. And so when they would come around, he would tell these stories about how bad I was and disrespectful I was and how I was always bothering the other kids, and you really ought to do something about her because she's just she's just bad. And they use this word fast. And fast for a little black girl meant that you were acting older than you were supposed to, and it also had some type of sexual connotation to it. So it kind of made the other adults think that you were already doing adult sexual things when you weren't.

Candace (Host) 16:11

So did your mom hear those things and did she talk to you about those things, or did was it just understood that that was who you were at that age, even though you probably were not, right? I mean, it was just his connotation or his spin on this. It it was both.

Kelly (Podcast Guest) 16:26

Okay So my mom was at a point in her life where she worked all the time. Okay. So I spent 16 hours a day with these people. Most times I would stay overnight, and I was always there over the weekend. So sometimes I would only see my mother in passing because by this time her and my father had separated. So this other household, other family house became like my secondary home. So um, so that was one. But I've always I've always been very talkative and very verbal, and being raised around other kids who didn't talk and me being a talker, you know, it was easy for somebody to believe that I had something to say, you know. Um, and then my mother had empowered me in other ways in my life that I felt like I had a right to say, you know, what I wanted to say. And so what may have come off as disrespect was really me speaking my mind in an era where little kids weren't allowed to speak their mind. I know.

Candace (Host) 17:25

Okay. Yeah. Okay. So this person, this individual has this kind of control or in his mind, maybe this power over you. Does it turn into then abuse? Oh, yeah. And is it so do you want to talk a little bit more about the form or just how it all started and trans and then how long it went on?

Kelly (Podcast Guest) 17:45

Yeah, you know, and it started, you know, so at first there was this whole defamation of my character, my rep reputation. Bringing you down, bringing me down, making me look bad, even to the other children, you know, even doing things like, no, you can't play with her. She's fast, nobody should play with her. So then often what would happen is um when all the kids would go outside to play because I was bad, because I was disrespectful, or because I was fast, I'd have to stay in the house. You come in the house, you can't go outside and play. So while the other kids are outside playing, I'm in the house, supposedly sitting, you know, in the living room with the TV off as a punishment, right? But then what would happen in in his coming to tell me about why I'm being punished, his hand would get on my leg. And then his hand would his he would rub his hand up and down my leg. He began to talk to me about my about my body because as a young girl, um, I had my ministration by the time I was nine. My breast started to develop very early. And so um he started to make mention of my breast and um my well-developed body, and he made he made comments about there was something I was doing. So there was this like um conversation in our family uh around other kids that Kelly plays with her breast. See, that's why they're so big. Don't be like her. She's she's playing with her tits, you know. So now the other little girls are looking at me like, oh, we don't want to play with you. But he was the one touching my breast. You know.

Candace (Host) 19:25

He was like isolating you for one. He was in his mind, punishment was more of for his gratification. Absolutely. And making sure that he was trying he was trying to silence you.

Kelly (Podcast Guest) 19:36

Absolutely. Take my voice so no one would hear me, no one would believe me, discredit me, because I was a disrespectful, overly voisterous, little young girl.

Speaker 19:49

Little girl. You know. Being empowered by her mom. Who's never here, who's never around.

Kelly (Podcast Guest) 19:54

And they would say things like, My mom's name was Jean, and people will say things to me like, We don't care what Gene says, you know, that's the problem. Jean just thinks you're special. Well, you ain't nothing. You're nobody special. You Jean just thinks the world of you, but you're not you're nothing. And it was this constant, you know, attempt to bring me down a notch, you know. And, you know, again, being an only child, you know, uh being afforded some of the things the other children didn't, you know, m some of the children were sometimes jealous of the things that I had or the privileges and opportunities that I could have as an only child that a larger family couldn't have, you know. And so it went on from there and then it kept progressing.

Candace (Host) 20:40

So from nine age-wise, nine until high school, longer? How how what was the duration? You really had to like how many years?

Kelly (Podcast Guest) 20:51

It went on my whole entire life. And here's what I can say to you My mother died when I was 33 years old. So it went on in various forms. Um, the touching the fondling, um, the um the exposing himself, again, putting his hands in places that he shouldn't have been, coming in my bedroom. And that all went on until I was probably about 15, 16 years old, when I could really start getting away from them by just staying at home by myself and you know, going away over girlfriends' houses and things like that. So there was a time where it kind of tapered off a little bit, right? And it was during those times in my life where he was an excellent surrogate father figure. Because now my, like I told you, my dad and my mom had been separated. And that was the thing that was so hard for me, Candace, because I knew him in two different ways. I knew him as this abuser, but then I knew him as a wonderful surrogate father who would give me rise to school and show up at my conferences.

Candace (Host) 22:00

And help my mom get me places and uh so I I can completely relate. Um, so with Fred, my stepdad, my abuser, my abuser number two, he started the um grooming process for me. I describe in my book the exposions of his body parts, you know, um him peeking in peeking in in the bedroom or my shower while I was taking a shower and then kind of scaring me, and then, you know, eventually it led to the sexual act, and then me feeling like almost felt like I was in a relationship with him, which I know is not a relationship, but I loved him because I knew him before the abuse and I knew him when the abuse was going on in my life. And so I also was torn. Like I wore that hat. I know that facade that I lived that you know, everything's fine and whatever, but then it's not because I got to an age where I was like, no, I didn't, I would fight him sometimes. And what scared him and what made it stop was I thought I was pregnant at the age of 15 by with his child. And then I remember wanting to kill myself. And then I went to a Catholic school. I went to St. Katz. And I remember um I wrote a suicide note, somebody found it, somebody turned it in. And instead of calling me and asking me, they called home. So who's home? He's home. He comes to my savings grace, my saving light comes in, the guidance counselor, who's a nun, the sister of the order, talks to him, and he's in. And now, mind you, during that conversation, they call me to the guidance office. I'm sitting outside and I can hear him. Oh, why would my candy do this? Why, you know, he knew darn well why I want to commit suicide because I just told him that morning. And it was at that point, I remember Kelly sitting there and telling, like having a conversation with God and being like, please, just this has to stop. Like, I just want this to stop. And thank God I wasn't pregnant. Thank God I cut my period. But I think it was just my body was reacting in defense mechanisms, and it was just all messed up. And so I understand when you talk about that light of love for your abuser, and then the one where you're just like, This can't be the same person.

Kelly (Podcast Guest) 23:59

This can't be the same person, you know. Um, and and I heard you talk about um him coming into your room and trying to scare you. That was one of his tactics. He would jump from behind places and spaces and shout noises and try to catch you off guard, really to really instill fear in you. And so um, so yeah, like I said, so it stopped, you know, um, for a while, but he was always very touchy. So it was always touching me my whole entire life. And I don't know why at 16, 17, 18 years old, I just didn't say, hey, stop it. And I learned that I didn't say stop it because I was raised in a family where we were taught so much to honor our elders. And everything we said or did was disrespectful or, you know, uh, you know, disobedient, and they had all these names for children like that. And I didn't want to be that kid. And I did have a reputation for being the bad kid, you know? And I just didn't want that reputation. So he would grab my breast on the way in the kitchen, or he and I'd be in the kitchen, I'd be washing dishes, and he'd rub up against me, and I wouldn't even say anything, you know, and then I'd come back into the family room where the rest of the family is, and we'd all partake in family conversation and activities, and none would be the wiser. And so this went on. Um, you know, but then in between there, there was this weird thing that was happening to me in my life. Um, like I mentioned about being uh the young girl with an overly developed body. So it I went through a period where almost every adult man, almost, not every adult man that I came in contact with would say something to me about my body. A 13-year-old girl walking down the street and a grown man stopping his car and making a comment about my butt or my vagina, you know, and it just kept happening so much that can't just for a long time I started thinking something is wrong with me. Like there has to be something that I'm doing because this is not normal. Right. The other girls my age, these men are not saying or doing this to them. Right. So I'm the common denominator. So it must be the way that I'm walking that's catching their attention. Maybe it's the way I put my hand on my hip or something. Like I started trying to figure out why I was making this happen to me, you know, and that was and that was a hard, um, a hard time in my life, you know. There are there are so many other stories where other males in my life just for whatever reason thought it was okay to be sexually inappropriate with me, make sexual comments, ask me for sexual favors with them. And these are people, these are guys that we were almost like family, grew up together. And in this weird moment on a Sunday afternoon, uh, our families are having dinner and we're sitting in the living room watching TV, and your mom's at the dining room table, and then you say, Hey Kelly, give me some. Give you some what? Come on, let's go in the back room and let's do it. And I'm thinking, why would I? Why do what you think I would? And of course I didn't, but it was just that feel that such ugly feeling that would that I would feel because he didn't ask any of the other kids, any of the other girls.

Candace (Host) 27:30

Like you were this walking target for Kelly's your sex slave almost. Like, oh my God, right? I I was very promiscuous. What my abuse led me to was I just didn't even care about my body. And I just was Miss Lucy Goosey. You know, I was probably the fast girl, labeled as such, whore, whatever you want to call me, right? Because I felt in my mind was, well, he's doing what he's doing to me, but I'm gonna choose what I want to do with others. So it was more of this permission to myself, like, well, if I want to have sex with this boy, I'm gonna have sex with this boy because it's my on my terms, not because I have to, it's because I want to. So I was messed up in that sense, not caring about my body, not using protection. Thank God I wasn't knocked up the whole high school, you know. But I'm just saying, like, it was not healthy, like, and I wasn't practicing good stuff. And thank God, thank God I didn't obtain stuff. But I, you know, it's just all those things. You end up having, I know with my abuse, I ended up having um issues with my cervix and stuff later in life, which does stem from that type of abuse at a very young age, and the correlation between the two. But so you basically felt like a walking target.

Kelly (Podcast Guest) 28:44

Yeah, you know, and funny you would say that. Um, in English class, we read the book about the scarlet letter A. And I remember reading that book, sitting in English, English cat class, thinking I must have an R on my head. There's something about me that when people see me, it says rape me, rape me, rape me. I thought I was marked because I had, again, all these different people, all these different men always making these sexual advances at me.

Candace (Host) 29:14

Well, it probably didn't help that the abuser, the first, the the I don't know his name, that's okay, but when he was telling everybody you were fast, it kind of gave permission to everybody to say, well, yeah, she's fast. She's fast. If you need something, she'll provide. Yeah.

Kelly (Podcast Guest) 29:28

She's the one, absolutely. And for me, um, I wasn't promiscuous at that time of my life. In fact, uh, another thing in our family, we were groomed as young girls. Um, it was a badge of honor to be a virgin. So our family would have all of these family gatherings and around the table and the discussions, like there would be uh uh almost like an award ceremony without the awards. Hey, well, you know, you know, Candace is still a virgin. Oh, she is. How old is she? Well, she's 16. Oh, good girl, you know. So everybody wanted to have that accolade. And so they would go around the room and say, So, are you still a virgin? Are you having sex? And of course, everybody, all of us were virgins, and but there was this shame, Candace, that I didn't know that the word was shame then, that when it came to my term, and they asked, was I a virgin? And I said, Yes, because in my mind I was, right? But then to hear my abuser in the same room say, Oh, she's lying. She probably is having sex. She's so fast, don't nobody believe that you ain't no virgin. And to have the whole house look at me, and I'm wanting to say, Well, it's your fault. But I couldn't say anything because I didn't, again, know how to give voice. And this person was very powerful in our family. Um, there was lots of physical abuse, and so as children, we were physically physically abused, um Emotionally abused, yeah. And so and so there was some fear of him being this physical, physically abusive person. And so that went on for a long time. Um, but then something that happened to me um when I was 33 years old. And that's and that's when I knew I had to get some help.

Candace (Host) 31:27

And your mom passed? My mom had passed. Was that all during that same year? So we can kind of transition to that whole like healing journey because a lot of times that's the the trigger, the the light bulb goes off, and you're like, I'm not okay.

Kelly (Podcast Guest) 31:38

Yeah. And it was two things. My mom had passed. So I was spending a lot of time with my family, and I was 33 years old, and I went to their house, and he had this room. And um, as I was walking past the room, he called my name. And so, out of respect for my elders, I stopped and I said, Yeah. And um, he was watching porn and he was naked, and he said, Come here. And and I froze, Candace. I just stood in the doorway. He said, Look at this. And I just stood there, just kind of staring straight ahead, not really looking. Um, he said, You like that, don't you? And I just stood there and he, you know, pulled out his gentle toes, and and he started, I don't even know what he started saying because I really just wasn't listening, but I was froze. I should have just I was walked away, but I didn't. And I remember thinking, why did I just stand there like a dummy? Why didn't I just walk away? Because you revert to that little girl. I reverted to that little girl. That's what it was, and I didn't know it then. And um, but I want to just back up a little bit before my healing story. So everybody deals with things differently. You said that you became promiscuous. Well, once I started using drugs and alcohol, right, drugs and alcohol became my numbing mechanism. And then as I became older in my 20s, um, I became promiscuous in a different kind of way. I became an exotic dancer. Um, and I kind of had that mindset that if somebody was gonna see my body, they were gonna see it because I'm showing it to them and they were gonna pay. They had to pay to see my body. No more free looks, no more free touches, no more free feels. You've got to pay to play, baby. And that's how my sexual promiscuity showed up in my life, you know, and this went on, and that, and then and in a weird way, that made me feel like I was in control and I had the power, but still unhealthy.

Candace (Host) 33:42

Still unhealthy. And I I agree that the being promiscuous in my young years and then dabbling and smoking and drinking and partying, and I was labeled, you know, I was labeled, oh, you want to have fun? Candace is your girl, you know. And and I know my friends from high school, like, Candace, we didn't see that or we didn't think that, and and I'm glad, like, and that's probably my perception because I was living in my own shame, in my own guilt, in my own fear that I was making stuff up in my head that what they might have been thinking really wasn't their reality, right? But because I was just in this whirlwind of trauma and I did not have the tools nor my own voice on how to how to articulate what was going on in my house.

Kelly (Podcast Guest) 34:25

Yeah. And so um, so this went on. And and like you said, I I didn't know terms like trauma and shame, and you know, I didn't know that. And so I started using drugs and alcohol to numb the pain. And then of course, when you so now shame begets more shame. And so now instead of just being shame of um the childhood abuse, now it's the the adult lifestyle, it's the addiction and all the stuff and stigma that goes along with that. So I just became this barrel of shame that said to me, something is wrong with me. And I lived my life feeling as though something was wrong with me. But then there was this real weird paradox because on the other side I knew something was right with me. So I almost had like two personalities. There was a lot of duplicity going on in my life because I I could I could appear confident. Um, I was always intelligent. And so I if you didn't know what was going on with me, you would think that I was okay. And um, and I wore a lot of masks and um vacillated in between different personalities. So, like when I was, you know, being an exotic dancer and all, I had a whole name, different name, a different personality too, to match that name. And um, that went on until one day, um, one day my abuser died. Yeah, my abuser died. And um all of this happened in the process. My addiction um got out of hand. Uh, my mother had died. I was spiraling to the abyss of addiction. Um, just knew I wasn't who God created me to be. I knew there was more for my life. There had to be something different, just didn't know how and where. And because of my addiction, and I thank God for my addiction, I do. Um it sent me to a place in Louisville, Kentucky called the Healing Place. Oh my God. Was that place ever the place for me to begin my journey of healing? And one of the most powerful things that it did for me, it gave voice to all the things that I felt. So sitting in a room full of other women who it was, it was like the beginning of what they now call a me too movement. No, and in in the rooms of uh narcotics anonymous or alcoholics anonymous, there's a lot of connection to stories. And I would sit in those rooms and I would listen to people um tell their stories, and I was saying, Me too. Me too. That happened to me. I did that. Oh my God, I'm not the only one. There were other people that went through this, but then these were people that had gotten clean and sober from alcohol and drugs, and um, they were 10, 15, 25 years clean. They had um been restored to their families, productive members of community, of the community. They were uh counselors and therapists helping other people break free and get healed. And so for the first time in my life, I became exposed to healthy people. And I wanted it. You were all in. I was all in. And so um I began the program there. And um through the course of it, you know, I I I became an advocate for heal uh for healing through counseling. Um, I believe that we therapists are good, they're beneficial. We all need a safe place where you can say things that you can't say to everybody, or sometimes just to anybody. And so um that's kind of how my journey started, my healing journey.

Candace (Host) 38:20

And I just have to give kudos, right? To the fact that you acknowledge that you needed help. You found a place, your place, that then allowed you to see what's possible for your life, right? Absolutely. And that transition, that transformative of healing from the inside out. There's just something to be said about that process. And I think, you know, this whole journey that I know we're on, it's lifelong. You never forget, right? But I think the experience that you go through that you're able to speak out about it, and then others can say what you felt in that room, me too, you know, and we're not alone. And that's exactly why I know doing this podcast, writing the book, encouraging others to speak their truth. There is so much power when we're stronger together, we're stronger when we're standing, we're we're louder than our silence, and it's okay for those that are silent. It's okay. We'll be your voice, but just know that you're not alone and that it's possible to heal. And I went to a therapist and I remember going to my therapist complaining about my relationship with Randy, the father of my kids, and she really had me dig deep. And she's like, Candace, there's gotta be more to this story. You're not telling me everything. And it was when I started telling her about my abuse as a child, and she said, Those are all a direct result of what you're going through. You don't even know what a healthy relationship is. Absolutely. And I didn't. I didn't either.

Kelly (Podcast Guest) 39:43

I had no clue. No clue. And so, um Yeah, and so that's kind of how um Restoration Ministries was birthed. Because as I began to go through my healing journey and I became aware of tools and resources, um, and and and the and the power of empathy and people, um, being able to share uh with other people, had some same or similar experiences and safe places and spaces. Uh, I knew that God had restored me for a purpose because not only had he restored me from drugs and alcohol, right, that was a given, but he had restored me to a healthy state of mind. I was no longer consumed with um bitterness and anger towards my abuser, but I didn't know it. The work that God did for me, Candace, it was an inside work, it was a gradual work. And to be honest, he did it without my permission. Because if I if I could be honest, I wanted to hate and I wanted to hate for a long time, but he didn't let me hate, you know. Um, and so when my um when my abuser died, um, I went to my abuser's funeral, and I remember sitting there just kind of in a blank stare, because I had told myself my whole entire life that I I'll be glad when he dies, that I'm not gonna care. So what, you know? And I remember sitting in his funeral and the tears began to roll down my face. And as the tears rolled, God in his infinite mercy began to give me glimpses of who he really was. Not the abuser that I experienced. When when when we say hurt people, hurt people, God gave me a glimpse of his childhood, how he had been abused, how he had been raised to believe and to think, how he was just reenacting what was done to him. And honestly, he did the best he could with what he had. And then God, in his infinite mercy, allowed me to remember all the wonderful things that that man did for me. All the times when my own father wasn't there, that he was there. And it helped me to realize that there was something greater than him controlling him in those dark moments. That wasn't him. There's no way you could be a loving father, uh uh productive member of the community, a stand-up man in the church, and have this dark side and it not be um it not be because of a dark force or something darker than you, and something that even he couldn't control. And in that moment, I remembered that I loved him for the person that he was in my life, you know, and it broke.

Candace (Host) 43:08

And it broke. That is so so I'm getting emotional here, just for everyone that's listening. I'm getting emotional because I've I've talked about that, you know, you know, I have forgiven and I have done the work. Um, and Fred said he was sorry, you know, but I remember when he did say it, I reverted to that little girl I stood by the door while he sat on my couch in my living room. And I've even spoken that if Fred were to ever pass away, like and say he had no means to be buried or he had no stuff for his funeral, like I would step up, even though we don't have a relationship. I don't talk to him, I don't have anything to do with this man and at this point in my life, but I would respectfully close that chapter in my life, right? And I still have this man's last name. You know, that's part of who I am and my. My past doesn't define who I'm meant to be. This name doesn't is not for me tainted. It doesn't taint me. I remember being told, like, well, how could you? And why don't you want to get rid of it? And I'm going down that journey, you know, because I have found my biological family. Thank God. I grew up an only child as well. But now I have 15 brothers and sisters in San Antonio, Texas, and I'm truly a Lopez. Okay. You know, so it's like I my second book will be called Life After Unspoken. It's this whole new rediscovery, reinvention, retransformation, whole reflection of everything that I've learned on this journey. And so you speaking about that really touched me because I'm already thinking about that. And you've experienced that. And I know there are a lot of survivors that have their abusers have died or not died. I don't know, but it that comes up quite a bit is that feeling towards that person that harmed you. And then forgiveness. It's a whole nother element. Absolutely.

Kelly (Podcast Guest) 44:57

Um, you know, I remember um I remember because I like I needed for a long time I needed him to tell me he was sorry. And so I remember going to him one time and I said to him, Nobody was around but and I, because I didn't want to embarrass him, because I respected him and I loved him. I said, Do you do you know all the things you did to me? I said, Are you sorry for what you did to me? And he looked at me and he said, I'm not sorry for nothing. And in that moment it broke me again. And I was an adult. But when he because I just knew that he was gonna say, Yes, I'm so sorry I hurt you. He said, I'm not sorry about nothing. And I said, No, like for real. Aren't you sorry for what you did to me? And at that moment, I was in the in the grips of an addiction, right? And so my life had spun out of control, and I felt like that was the key to help me get sober, was dealing with that. If I could just get an apology, I could just get my life back on track. I will I never got an apology, and it's now okay, you know, because I forgave him. And I know this sounds cliche, but I forgave him for me. Because it wasn't until I was able to let go of all of that hurt and all of that bitterness and hatred could I really get on a real genuine path for healing.

Candace (Host) 46:27

And I believe there's if I and up forgiveness to me is there's more power in it for us than it is for them. And that's to me like when you let go and let God, everything else is gonna just align the way it's supposed to. That's amazing. So you shared about the restoration ministries, which I think is great. I'd love to get plugged in, Kelly, on how I can we can partner, collab, maybe do a book club or something. Yes. Maybe have your ministries read the book, and then I come in, we have a conversation. Absolutely. You know, in a group setting. I would love that. But did you get to read my book? Did you get a chance or was it too hard? Because I I hear that from survivors. It triggers you.

Kelly (Podcast Guest) 47:05

Here's what your book did for me. Um, your book, and I want to say maybe it wasn't just your book, it's you. And I and I know really, I wanna I want to commend you, you know, because this is tough work. And um, I listened to one of your podcasts, and you said that every time you would write, you would get in this dark place. And I remember telling my adult children that they would say, Mom, did you finish the book? And I would say, No. They'd say, Why? I said, Because I would start writing. And as I started, as I would start, as I would write, I was reliving. And it would, and the pain would be so much. It would be too much, and the tears would flow, and I would just get stuck in the pain that I would put the book away and I wouldn't pick it up again, Candace, for three, four months. I might not write on a subject matter, and I couldn't, because I just couldn't get past it. And so that's what um your book did for me when I picked up your book and I didn't really read it. I started just kind of browsing through the pages. Um, and I was, and I but what your book did for me, it made me know that I can, that I can get through it, that I can write the book, I can publish the book, that I have to write the book. Um, and if you could do it. Not like in a jealous kind of, but if but if Candace, if God could give Candace the fortitude and the strength to walk through her pain and to use it for purpose, then Kelly, so can you. Amen. Yeah. And so can you. And so I'm so grateful for your book. I'm so grateful that even for your podcast, yes, you know, that you've taken it a step further.

Candace (Host) 48:53

You know. And continue to please listen and share. It'll help give you more strength than you know, then you realize. I would listen to my own episodes just because when you're in the moment, like right now, we're in the moment, we're having this conversation, but when it does launch and when it does go out in public, there's nuggets of information that I will gather the second time around, the third time around, I listen to it. Or why didn't I ask this question or that question? But you know, we're here in the studio and and this is the power of conversation. This is as uncomfortable and difficult as it is, this is the way you heal. So for the audience, for the listeners, you know, if you're out there and you feel you're alone, you're not. If you feel something like this similar has happened to you, you're not the only one. You know, we're stronger when we stand together. And so, Kelly, thank you for being here. And um, I know we're probably getting ready to wrap up shortly, but thank you for again just allowing, you know, the book to inspire you because I can't wait to cheer you on on your book journey and know that as hard as I know it was, I I slammed that computer and said, This can't be my life, this can't be it. But once it came out, I was free from all that guilt and all that shame. And I'm like, if I can just help one person, then it's made it worth it. And so thank you for that. And then I'll just do a quick plug for the National Foundation to end child abuse and neglect. I am now, you know, really fired up to bring this mission, uh, my personal journey and align it with the National Foundation. So I want to make sure you get plugged in as well when I start hosting more events. Absolutely. I'd love to invite you and anyone else you think need to open up this conversation in in our communities. And born and raised in Racine, boy, I got a lot of work to do in Racine, but in Milwaukee, Kenosha, surrounding just the footprint of Wisconsin, you know, I want to make that change. Um, but let's talk about, you know, we talked forgiveness, but I think you and I both with our faith and the foundation that I know it gave me to never lose hope. Um let's talk about full circle blessings. My last chapter was called Full Circle Blessings, and and I talk about, you know, finding my biological dad and then knowing that I'm a Lopez, and then my family just embracing me with nothing but love and support and open arms, and I'm so grateful for that. But with your full circle blessings and where you are today, what are you most grateful for?

Kelly (Podcast Guest) 51:13

I am most grateful for the fact that um I used to say that I'm a survivor, right? But I'm grateful that I'm a thriver. Yes.

Candace (Host) 51:24

Yes, I'm a thriver. We go from victim to survivor to thriver. I'm a thriver. That mindset is everything.

Kelly (Podcast Guest) 51:31

You know, and and and and that has been such an amazing revelation to me that the strength of God did not allow what was meant to destroy me, destroy me. And so then he took it and he allows me to use it to help other people. Who would have thought that my pain would have had so much purpose, that my message, you know, is based off all the misery that I've gone through, that my shame, right, is really a place of liberation for others. And I'm grateful for that. You know, I'm grateful that when I work with other families, other people, one of the things that I get to say to families is, you know, uh, when when families go through difficult times, it's important that families believe the victim. My family members did not believe me. Um, I had family members not speak to me, you know. Um, but I had to get on the other side of the truth. But also in sharing with my children, um, it helped break the cycle. And so I'm really grateful that um in a full circle that it's all come together and we're healthy. You know, I'm so grateful that we're not still caught up in the cycle of abuse. We're not still caught up in the cycle of physical, verbal, sexual abuse. My daughter is 35 years old, and by the time this podcast airs, I will be a proud grandmother of at least my first grandson. And my grandson will never know physical abuse, he will never know sexual abuse, he will never know verbal abuse, he will never know that his mom, his grandma, struggled with addiction. He may hear stories, but he will not go through the same trauma that we went through. And if God used me to break the dis of dysfunction and to help make my family and my generations to come whole and healthier, then God, I thank you for it all.

Candace (Host) 53:38

Amen. Oh my goodness, what a great way to to kind of wrap up and so um so resources. I always like to give the listeners resources. You mentioned in Louisville, Kentucky, the what was the name of the healing center that you went to?

Kelly (Podcast Guest) 53:54

It's called the Healing Place. The Healing Place. The Healing Place Um in Louisville, Kentucky. Um, and since then, several of my friends and former sponsors have um started places. There's a place if you are struggling with any type of abuse, um, especially if it's connected to sexual abuse, um, if you are an addict, and um, what I found in recovery is that almost every woman that's an addict has some form of sexual abuse. And even in men, you'll find that too.

Candace (Host) 54:21

It's one in four and one in six by the time they're 18 have some sexual assault violation of that occur.

Kelly (Podcast Guest) 54:29

Yeah, and then they will use drugs and alcohol to medicate it. So there's another program in Louisville, Kentucky called Ladies of Promise, and it is run by a lady named Aileen Bryant. If you if you're in trouble, you know, that's a that's a place. Is that in Racine? That is actually in Louisville, Kentucky. Louisville, Kentucky, okay. And so, yeah, and so, you know, and then for people that are struggling with substance abuse, you know, good 12-step programs. They're all over the city of Racine, they're everywhere. They're everywhere. You know, and they really encourage you to open up and get honest about where you are. But I like to think that Restoration Ministries is a wonderful source because we um we are a holistic ministry. We have church, right? But we we are a holistic ministry because we understand that it's not enough to just get saved and to give your life to the Lord. You really have to be able to deal with the things that you have been given in your life, right? The inner work. You have to know how. We can't just just say, Oh, you need to forgive, but how do I forgive? And so in Restoration Ministries, we meet people where they at where they are, no matter where they are with life. We connect with them, we provide support services, we make referrals for services. Um, we have a wonderful youth development program. We work with youth and their families. And so if we can't help you, we will do the work to help you help find people that can help you. There are a lot of resources here in the city and receives.

Candace (Host) 55:53

That is amazing. So I make sure to put all of um those in our show notes of once the podcast launches, just so that if the listeners need to go find help. And then, of course, Google is our friend. So if wherever you are, if you need to Google, you know, sexual assault uh survivors or programs to help, sexual assault or drugs, alcohols, anonymous, all of that, there are tools for you out there to get the help that you need. And and please, if you're listening to this podcast, you know, I drop monthly episodes. Make sure you're following Unspoken Conversation with Candace. You can visit me at my website at www.candassanchez.com. And then Kelly, I just want to make sure that for next year in 2023, um, I'm dedicating all my season for male survivors. So that's launching next year with my YouTube channel to give the males um a safe place. Um and then also with EndCAND, the national organization, um, we are gonna be hosting another walk here in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. So I would love your restoration ministries to come to our Together Pavilion or get a team, get some people in your youth to come and walk, raise, support. It would fundraise, it would just be amazing to partner and collab in that effort next year as well.

Kelly (Podcast Guest) 57:02

Absolutely. Definitely let me know. Um, I know you did it this year, and we were intending to do some things with you, but I want to keep it on my radar because it is so important. You know, I think it's just important to have a message of hope that people know that they can heal from this. They can heal and they can thrive.

Candace (Host) 57:19

Oh, thrive. Exactly. They can thrive. You know, and and um I would like to say, you know, hope is my business strategy, you know, because if you don't have hope, you know, then you feel you have nothing. Absolutely. You know, hope you can't destroy hope, I feel. And hope is a business strategy, at least for me, because it will lead to great impact. Absolutely. And then you have a legacy to leave behind. To me, it's not the profit and loss. I mean, I know in all business you want to be successful, but when you can really save someone's life so that they can thrive, absolutely the hope is the strategy to cure that.

Kelly (Podcast Guest) 57:51

So you know, and that's my legacy. I'm my legacy is to my my goal is to live a life that even after I am off of this earth, that there are people that are the better because they met me, because they encountered me, because I shared a resource or uh was there to lend a helping hand. Um, because um, hope I was used this acronym H O P E. Hold on, pain ends.

Candace (Host) 58:15

Oh, I love that. Hold on, pain ends. That just might be the name of your episode, okay? Well, Kelly, thank you so much again. Um, you know, all my guests get a get a cup, a coffee mug. Um, please visit my swag store. When you visit my swag store, I have my own shop on my website. That helps me to help survive a program. So any money that I do get through my business, I am giving back to the community to the resources to help sexual assault awareness, domestic violence, causes that are near and dear to my heart, so that we can continue to promote healing from the inside out. And so again, thank you for being here on my show. Appreciate you for sharing your story. Thank you for having me.

Kelly (Podcast Guest) 58:55

Thank you for just creating the space where we can have these unspoken conversations. Amen.

Candace (Host) 59:01

Well, thank you. Thanks for tuning in and make sure you tune into the next episode of Unspoken Conversation with Candace. Have a great self-care Saturday. Goodbye, everyone. Thank you so much for listening to this conversation about healing, encouragement, and support. Trust that there is power in speaking your truth and sharing your experience with others because you can have an impact or even save someone's life. Follow me on Facebook and Instagram to stay engaged in our unspoken conversations with Candace. And if you have been impacted by trauma and need tools to heal, consider purchasing a copy of my book titled Unspoken available on Amazon. Thanks again, and remember, you're not alone.